The Deep Resilience Podcast

When things are left messy, unanswered or unresolved, we often find ourselves longing for closure, some magical process through which we can wrap everything up in a neat little package, feel better and move on. What makes closure so elusive, though, is that we’re often seeking it from another person, maybe in the form of an apology, an explanation or a goodbye. We feel dependent upon someone else giving us closure, and it can be almost torturous when we don’t get it. There’s good news, though: we can learn to find it within ourselves.

In this episode of Mentally Stronger, I invite you to make a subtle shift from the pursuit of closure - neat, tidy and final - to the pursuit of healing, embracing the mess, discomfort and uncertainty that comes with it. I share four steps to promote healthy healing, allowing you to live fully in the present even when you carry a bit of pain from the past.

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Key Links:

‌Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com

Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/

If you tuned in last week, you know the importance of difficult conversations; they’re essential to the health of your relationships, your own mental wellbeing, and for driving change on a larger scale. But even with the guidance of my four-step framework, without proper preparation, we may find ourselves approaching these situations with a negative attitude, obscurity of purpose or hidden motive, often leading to further conflict and misunderstanding. A little introspection allows us to prepare for and undertake tough conversations with clarity and compassion and ultimately achieve better outcomes.

On this episode of Mentally Stronger, I build on last week’s episode by taking a deeper dive into the art of difficult conversations and inviting you to work through your own thoughts and emotions first. I walk you through five steps to get clear on your intentions, gain perspective and cultivate a solutions-focused mindset so you can raise concerns and initiate challenging discussions with precision, good will and grace.

Key Links:

Checklist: 5 Steps to prepare for difficult conversations

Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com

Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/

Have you ever avoided having a difficult conversation with a friend, colleague or partner? If you have, you might already know how harmful it can be, both to yourself and the relationship. Whether it’s a small annoyance or major issue, leaving things unaddressed can breed resentment, enable toxic and harmful behaviour, and cause relationships to fall apart. Beyond personal issues, avoiding the hard stuff can have societal and global implications. Daunting as it can be, the ability to engage in healthy confrontation is crucial to making a difference in your personal life and the world at large.

In this episode of Mentally Stronger, I provide a helpful framework, based on the work of psychologist, author and relationship researcher John Gottman, equipping you to have difficult conversations with confidence and effectiveness. With these four simple steps, you’ll be more empowered and authentic in the situations you face, opening the door for more fulfilling relationships, less stress and greater mental strength.

Key Links:

My 4-Step Difficult Conversations Checklist:

https://melliobrien.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/4-Step-Checklist-for-Difficult-Conversations-1.pdf

Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com

Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/

Periods of calm, quiet and tranquillity present excellent opportunities to recharge, deepen our mental strength practice and connect with profound states of peace, but it is out in the ‘real world’ where these skills are really put to work. Even the most spiritually accomplished of us, the most skilled meditators, the most revered teachers can become triggered or overcome by a strong emotional response, usually unpleasant, to some kind of stimulus in the environment. Though none of us are completely immune, the mentally strong learn to work with difficult and charged emotions in skillful ways and use those moments to gain insight and grow in self-awareness.

In this episode of Mentally Stronger, I recap the ‘name it to tame it’ technique, a reminder to help you regulate and reduce the intensity of an emotional reaction when triggered. I expand this technique with two additional steps, taking you further from regulation into insight and allowing you to meet moments of reactivity with awareness, curiosity and wisdom to carry into the next.

Key Links

Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com

Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/

More on ‘Name it to Tame it’ in Mentally Stronger episode #31: 

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/mentally-stronger/id1637748876?i=1000608278023 

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3U4yMMp7QPMGnJZYt9dmRx

With the ability to connect on a global scale came the ability to compare ourselves to more people in more ways than ever before, and despite the confidence and seeming perfection so often portrayed on social media, we’re all born with the same two primal fears: the fear that we are not worthy and, consequently, the fear that we won’t be loved. The presence of these fears alone may seem to confirm their truth, especially with the marketing of self-love not as something to be practised but as something to be attained and worn for protection or adornment. But when we recognise these fears for what they are, old conditioning of the mind, we can begin to heal our insecurities from a place of compassion and understanding.

In this episode of Mentally Stronger, I illustrate the once vital function of our primal fears, developed for survival and embedded over hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. I share two steps to help you cultivate true, lasting self-worth, unwind from thoughts that tell you you’re not enough and touch down on a place of natural wholeness, confidence and contentment within yourself.

Key Links:

Melli O’Brien:

https://melliobrien.com

Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course:

https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/

Sometimes, a simple insight can make a world of difference. You may have heard the old adage, “pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” Well, it’s true. We so often create unnecessary suffering, stress and struggle for ourselves by piling on and becoming stuck in unhelpful thoughts and emotional reactivity. But the idea that we can merely choose to eradicate suffering in our lives can be as demoralising as it is liberating if we don’t also have the tools to apply it. 

In this episode of Mentally Stronger, I introduce some of those tools by first outlining where pain and suffering fit within the primary and secondary dimensions of our present-moment experience. I then guide you through ‘the Tree,’ a grounding mindfulness practice to move you towards greater inner peace and improved mental clarity, creating the space to choose to let go of avoidable suffering, even in the face of unavoidable pain. 

Key Links:

Melli O’Brien: 

https://melliobrien.com

Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/

As we move through life, we constantly and often unconsciously jump to conclusions about the world and people around us. Influenced by our past experience, we make assumptions and draw inferences, attaching stories that support our brain’s built-in negativity bias over the objective reality of a situation. This seemingly small, reflexive mental habit can lead to misunderstanding, conflict and generally sap our mental strength, but what if, instead, we intentionally chose to assume the best instead of the worst?

In this episode of Mentally Stronger, I share a story that allows you to observe this habit in action, and a hypothetical which demonstrates how negative assumptions can impact our relationships and attitudes toward the people around us, increasing feelings of anger, frustration and resentment. With a helpful example from Brené Brown’s Rising Strong, I invite you to explore how jumping to generous conclusions can cultivate greater understanding, connection and peace.

Key Links:

Melli O’Brien:

https://melliobrien.com

Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/

More on Negativity Bias in Mentally Stronger episode 02 here:

Spotify:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/19mXQrn8vSDa4BEeaC7IjH?si=30eIWkv_TVCrxluQigYNag

Apple Podcasts:

https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/mentally-stronger/id1637748876?i=1000576965173

As we build our mental strength, thoughts or situations may still arise that trigger emotional reactions so intense we feel out of control and unable to think or behave rationally. Discouraging as they may be, these moments, when we most need to find our centre and be present, are opportunities to really put our mental strength to the test. When our awareness and objectivity are hijacked by strong emotions, how can we respond, rather than react, with clarity and calm?

In this episode of Mentally Stronger, I explain the neurological relationship between this emotional reactivity and the nervous system, its crucial role in our survival and its implications in our modern daily lives. I share psychiatrist Dan Siegel’s evidence-based ‘name it to tame it’ technique and demonstrate its use to substantially reduce the intensity of an emotion and allow you to find the space to speak wisely, act deliberately and stay cool under pressure.

Key links: 

Melli O’Brien:

https://melliobrien.com.

Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course:

https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/

Many of us are disconnected from the awareness of our oneness with nature. Preoccupied with the demands and activity of daily life, it’s easy for our sense of being to become divorced from the natural world, leaving us divorced, also, from our sense of belonging. The notion that we are separate from nature, rather than part of it, can cause feelings of meaninglessness and isolation, a kind of existential stress.

In this episode of Mentally Stronger, I help you conceptualise and reflect on your interconnectedness with this unfolding web of life through a metaphor from Author and Philosopher Alan Watts’. I then invite you to develop a regular practice which allows you to tune in to and honour the rhythm and pulse of life and find a greater sense of ease, wisdom and belonging.

Key links:


Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com.


Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course - https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/

We all experience anger at times, and though we may have been taught that it’s inherently bad or toxic, anger is actually an important, healthy and valuable emotion; it tells us when something we care about is under attack and mobilises the body to take action. It’s our expression of this anger, or lack thereof, that can be problematic. Whether we’re prone to lashing out or bottling up, shifting to a more skillful and mindful expression can greatly benefit our relationships with both others and ourselves, and even our physical health. 

In this episode of Mentally Stronger, I break down four styles of anger expression - aggressive, passive-aggressive, suppressive and assertive - and invite you to consider which of these rings true for you. If healthy anger has never been modelled to you, it’s easy to default to an unhelpful style. Once you’ve taken that first step of identifying where you fall, you can start to shift into an expression that allows you to healthily and constructively honour and communicate your needs and boundaries. I share three tips to help you do exactly that.

Key links: 

Get the Checklist for Healthy Anger

https://melliobrien.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/Checklist-for-Healthy-Anger.pdf

Melli O’Brien: 

https://melliobrien.com

Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course:

https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/