It took the paramedics over 30 minutes to pry the starfish off poor Caleb's face. The scars it left behind, however, may never completely heal. They learned a lot from the incident. Such as that fact that children should be better supervised at the aquarium. Pretty obvious there. So they put up some more signs. But what of the starfish? Why did it attack that poor child? Was it the lure of fresh cotton candy? Perhaps it was that succulent rubbery strand of green snot dangling from the toddler's right nostril? Whatever it was, it turned that docile starfish into a rabid pit bull. What about the sea horses? Were they in on it as well? We just can't be sure. As a precaution, the petting pool was flooded with a concentrated chlorine-sulfide toxin which neutralized all of the inhabitants. It was the only way to be sure. Also, the aquarium's annual fundraiser was postponed a month. Best to let this whole thing blow over. email: [email protected] web: www.michaeloster.com

Robert swore he'd never play with dark matter again. But the damage was already done. All he knew was he was now about 50 years in the past, plus or minus. The man he shot was his grandfather. The woman he had sex with was his grandmother. Her daughter, his mother, was about to go on a date with the boy who would eventually be his father. Problem is, Robert had quickly grown to despise him. Robert Sr., was a 16 year old pimple-faced royal pain in the ass, dumb as hell to boot. And he was about to go on a date with Robert Jr.'s precious step-daughter (his mother). Eventually, they would marry and spawn Robert Jr. who would, years later, play with dark matter and end up in the past. Now here's where things get interesting.... In his back pocket, Robert Jr. carries a crumpled pack of cigarettes and an old stick of gum. This is the focal point of what would become an uncontrollable energy burst capable of shaking the Earth off its axis. email: [email protected] web: www.michaeloster.com

Molly's hair was a disaster! She tried everything, including a last ditch suggestion from the internet to 'rub Preparation H on it'. Nothing could stop the frizz! She blamed it on the humidity, but it really didn't matter. Her job interview was just hours away and she was a complete wreck. Instead of a work of art, her hair looked more like a giant tarantula. It was at this time, of course, that the power goes out. What else could possibly go wrong? Across the street, 13 year old Jimmy is about to nuke his Hot Pocket when the blackout happens. He's hungry, without electricity and he now sees no other option but to go cannibal. email: [email protected] web: www.michaeloster.com

'Up yours Whitey!' she said. And this is what started the lovemaking encounter between Veronica and Sam. What followed began as passionate, ramped up past intense and finally ended completely barbaric. The kind of stuff that would make even a Klingon blush. Sam was not Veronica's first love experience, but he would be her last. Hours later, we find Sam curled up in a dark corner. He's in a fetal position, sucking his thumb and trembling. His naked body covered in a slimy, plasma like jelly. A lone housefly lands on his forehead and slurps some gel. Veronica has long since shed her skin and teleported back to her home world. Inside her, she carries a clutch of freshly fertilized eggs - thousands of them. email: [email protected] web: www.michaeloster.com

After months of nonstop work, it has become painfully obvious that Alex's experiments in time travel have been a complete failure. Although he has managed to run up his electric bill beyond belief and scare off his nosey neighbors. Plus, he hasn't seen the cat in weeks. As a side note, the by-product of the process, a gooey snot-like residue which forms on the walls does show some promise as a food flavor enhancer. What Alex doesn't yet realize is that his is stuck in his own time loop. Kind of like that movie 'Groundhog Day' but without Bill Murray. However, he does have his mother in law to keep him company... forever! email: [email protected] web: www.michaeloster.com

Summer 1968. I just crapped my diaper. Again. Cronkite is on the television. Something about fighter bombers and a war far away that I know nothing about. On a good day, we get 4 channels. Today is good. Not that I comprehend what an antenna does or do I have the ability to adjust it for better reception. The Beatles are on the radio. I catch the faint scent of the warm, glowing tubes. I can hear their distinct hum as well. Increased levels of second hand smoke means that both my parents are home. There is no internet. No cell phones. No car alarms. No microwave oven. It starts to rain. My diaper smells like crap. Again. email: [email protected] web: www.michaeloster.com

Chris forgot the detonators! Even after the sergeant reminded him several times before the mission. He's going to be in big trouble when... if he gets back. Dropped 30 miles behind enemy lines, 6 men and no detonators! For now it's the sergeant who's in it big as the captain has a bag of fresh detonators on his desk - the very detonators that should be with Chris - behind enemy lines. The shit starts rolling downhill fast as the sergeant is assigned to latrine detail, and that's just for starters. The captain has lost it before but not like this. He's about 2 seconds away from a stroke when the news comes in. The bridge is still intact! Damn right it is... BECAUSE THE FUCKING DETONATORS ARE ON HIS DESK!!! Chris is such an asshole. email: [email protected] web: www.michaeloster.com

An erection lasting longer than four hours? That was 3 days ago it it's caused nothing but trouble. Who to call? The hotline is busy. Lines overloaded. Kind of like his member. Damn it hurts. And he's running out of willing girlfriends. The ER has provided little help. Take 2 pills and call back tomorrow just isn't going to cut it anymore. And they're not even sure if insurance will cover this. Talk about relentless. This thing just won't stop! Damn you modern science. Damn you! Now it's 'Day 5' and you can tell by his bloodshot eyes, drooping lips, and grey-tinged stubble beard that he's in serious trouble. How would he be able to survive through the weekend? email: [email protected] web: www.michaeloster.com

Say what you want about Ralph, but he's a fantastic cook. That aside, he's also known for making the most inappropriate comments to women. And he wonders why he gets so few second dates. But his luck is about to change as he just received a surprise email from a Dr. Henry Umgawa of Ghana. Something about an unexpected death and the transfer of 23 million dollars. Wow! And the good Dr. has promised Ralph a cool 2 million for his troubles! What could go wrong? Shortly thereafter Ralph strikes out again. This time it's with Nancy. Apparently Nancy doesn't find 'penis scabs' to be an acceptable first date topic of conversation. Now Ralph is stuck with a fantastic flaming duck that he spent all day preparing. But the wine is cold and his bank account is about to be filled. Nancy who? email: [email protected] web: www.michaeloster.com

Grant has had ass explosions before. He's had some monumental ones. But nothing could prepare him for what he was about to experience. It's true that the body can handle only so much and Grant has pushed the limits many times before. But some things are just not meant to be consumed. Ever. Even by someone as strong as Grant. A dare is a dare however, and a legend was born that night. Eyes bulged. Muscles cramped. Intestines burst. Tears shed. Grant's terrible plight would be told for generations to come in word and in song. It has even been suggested that a statue be erected in his name. And on the bronze plaque it would read 'Some things are not meant to be consumed. Ever.' email: [email protected] web: www.michaeloster.com