The Dreyer Drive Podcast

### MAIN SEGMENTS

### RYAN'S JAPANESE IMMIGRATION SAGA

[00:02:31 - 00:06:16] - The Pension System Panic

- Ryan's three-year visa renewal process in Japan

- Discovering he never enrolled in Japan's national pension system

- Panic about potential deportation: "They're going to put me on one of those cargo airplanes"

- Government-mandated apology letters and bureaucratic absurdity

[00:06:16 - 00:08:58] - American Citizenship Stories

- Ryan's citizenship test experience with the same Russian immigration officer

- The "Homer Simpson" signing incident

- Swearing-in ceremony with 50 other new citizens

### THE PLEDGE TO DEFEND AMERICA

[00:08:58 - 00:11:56] - Citizenship Ceremony Hesitation

- Required pledge to "raise arms against America's enemies"

- Ryan and fellow Canadian's reluctance: "I am not going to war for the United States"

- Commentary on "aggressively neutral" Canadians

- Discussion of confrontation styles and family dynamics

### SCHOOL INTERVIEW DISASTER

[00:18:14 - 00:23:30] - Noah's International School Interview

- Preparation vs. reality when plans change unexpectedly

- Three-year-old meltdown during admissions process

- The Porter family gene for plan-disruption anxiety

- Instagram parenting advice critique: "Can she just be shy today?"

---

### HOME DECOR DISASTERS

### THE INFAMOUS PINK LIVING ROOM

[00:24:02 - 00:29:31] - Sponge Painting Gone Wrong

- Mom's decorating authority vs. Dad's execution willingness

- Pepto-Bismol pink base with white, pink, and magenta sponge painting

- "16 months of rage in that house - nobody was ever calm"

- Family photos from the era: "We all just look horrible"

- The psychological impact of aggressive pink walls

### JACQUELINE'S COW KINGDOM

[00:31:15 - 00:34:02] - Total Theme Commitment

- Converting the upstairs office into Jacqueline's cow-themed bedroom

- Purple and green sponge painting with cow borders

- Actual milk can painted with cow print labeled "Jacqueline's Dairy"

- Teacher requesting leftover cow wallpaper for her dining room

- Eight years of cow-themed living (ages 10-18)

---

### MALL CULTURE DEEP DIVE

### PICKERING TOWN CENTER MEMORIES

[00:35:05 - 00:39:38] - The Perfect Mall Day

- Childhood labor: handing out health food store coupons dressed as Snow White and a ninja

- Friday afternoon mall drops with indefinite pickup times

- Essential mall stops: HMV for new cassettes, Champ Sports for Jordans

- The art of teenage mall stalking and social awkwardness

[00:39:38 - 00:44:50] - Favorite Mall Stores & Experiences

- The weapon kiosk by the exit: Zippos, ninja stars, and meditation balls

- "Here they aren't" game while waiting for forgotten pickup

- Gallantries restaurant and Dad's liver and onions obsession

- Blue Notes vs. Pantorama: the economic divide at the jean wall

### STORE BREAKDOWN

[00:44:50 - 00:46:00] - Jacqueline's Shopping List

- Blue Notes: "tip top of fashion" with Canadian-themed shirts

- Spencer's: forbidden but visited anyway

- PJ's Pets: "really lowbrow sad zoo" with puppies and birds

- Beanie Baby specialty store (very time-specific)

- Roots: luxury level unattainable

- Laura Secord: fluorescent ice cream finale

---

### LEGENDARY MALL STORIES

### THE VOICE CRACK BASKETBALL DISASTER

[00:46:00 - 00:53:36] - Lakeside vs. Southwood Rivalry

- Meeting "rich kids" from Lakeside at the mall

- Phone numbers contingent on winning basketball game

- The outlet play setup and crucial moment

- Epic voice crack: "OOOOUTLET!" heard round the gym

- Lost game, lost phone numbers, lasting high school embarrassment

### THE VERONA MALL DYNAMITE OPERATION

[00:54:27 - 00:57:17] - Abandoned Mall Adventures

- Half-built mall with disappeared developer

- Discovery of explosive test tubes with glue and white powder

- Teenage dynamite distribution network across Ajax

- Police investigation and end of underground explosives business

- Decade-long abandoned mall teenage playground

---

### FASHION ARCHAEOLOGY

### JOURNAL ENTRIES FROM 2000

[00:59:08 - 01:01:45] - Peak Y2K Fashion Documentation

- "Killer pair of yellow vinyl flares and bright red shirt"

- Shopping with Bobby, Sean, Jeff, and Steve (very 2000 names)

- Three Doors Down CD disappointment vs. Collective Soul preference

- Elephant shirt and quarter-length sheer shirt purchases

- The "Goddess, Princess, Angel, All of the Above" checked shirt

[01:01:45 - 01:04:20] - Brother Rating System

- Weekly performance reviews for all brothers in journal

- Daniel's zero rating for BB gun threats and cat exile attempts

- Systematic documentation of family dysfunction

---

### MALL CULTURE ANALYSIS

### THE GREAT EQUALIZER THEORY

[00:45:46 - 00:46:00] - Economic Democracy of Malls

- Malls as spaces where economic differences didn't matter

- Ability to participate without spending money

- Social hierarchy navigation training ground

### HISTORICAL CONTEXT

[01:05:36 - 01:06:42] - Austrian Architect's Vision vs. Reality

- Designer's goal to bring "culture" to Americans

- Fancy names: Galleria, Forum references to Greek/Roman culture

- American response: "Where's the chicken restaurant?"

- Pillars and fountains vs. Hakeem Optical and food courts

### MALL FACTS & UPDATES

[01:07:04 - 01:07:45] - Pickering Town Center Evolution

- Originally called Sheridan Mall

- 2016 flood closing lower level stores and Santa's Castle

- 2024 rename to "The Shops at Pickering City Center"

- Famous Players theater closure and gift certificate memories

---

### EPISODE WRAP-UP

### MODERN MALL VISIT REALITY CHECK

[01:07:45 - 01:08:18] - 2024 Mall Experience

- Taking kids to childhood mall: 30% of stores closed

- Andrew's ninja star request: tradition continues

- Disappointment vs. nostalgia expectations

### TEXT MESSAGE OF THE WEEK

[01:10:03 - 01:11:45] - Daniel's Birthday "Gift"

- Meme sent on Jonathan's birthday: "Tomorrow wasn't promised, call your siblings and tell them they're ugly and adopted"

- 44-year-old Daniel swinging into frame giving middle finger

- Forgetting it was actually Jonathan's birthday

- Classic oldest brother energy

---

### RECURRING THEMES

- Porter Family Dysfunction: Extreme commitment to questionable choices

- 90s Parental Supervision: "Where were our parents?"

- Mall as Third Parent: Better supervision than actual family

- Economic Class Awareness: Blue Notes vs. Pantorama divide

- Fashion Disasters: Yellow vinyl flares and cow print commitment

- Sibling Dynamics: Competitive rating systems and weapon threats

---

### QUOTABLE MOMENTS

- "I am not going to war for the United States of America"

- "16 months of rage in that house"

- "We bought an actual milk can and painted it with cow print"

- "I bought a killer pair of yellow vinyl flares"

- "The Pickering Town Center was a better parent than our actual parents"

- "We were selling this stuff to others" (regarding dynamite)

- "Here you can eat for as little as you can eat at home" (Gallantries slogan)

---

### MENTIONED LOCATIONS

- Pickering Town Center (Pickering, Ontario)

- Verona Mall (abandoned, Ajax, Ontario)

- West Edmonton Mall (Alberta)

- Exeter High School (Ajax)

- Southwood Elementary vs. Lakeside Elementary (Ajax)

- 26 Dreyer Drive (family home)

### CULTURAL REFERENCES

- Collective Soul, Three Doors Down (music)

- Blue Notes, Pantorama, Jean Machine (clothing stores)

- HMV, Spencer's, Roots (retail chains)

- PJ's Pets, Laura Secord (Canadian chains)

- Beanie Babies (1990s toy craze)

- Famous Players (Canadian theater chain)

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

From Entrepreneurial Disasters to Grocery Store Glory

Welcome to another episode where we prove that terrible teenage jobs actually shape you into a functioning adult. This week: Jacqueline's running disaster, Ryan's travel chaos, and a comprehensive ranking of every Ajax teenager's employment nightmare from 1998-2002.

00:00 - 03:30: Fake Smile Science & Our Ideal Audience

Ryan discovers that fake smiling doesn't work when you check yourself in the mirror - turns out his "biggest smile ever" looks like a straight line across his face. Meanwhile, they establish that their ideal podcast audience is literally just themselves sitting in a conference room listening to themselves.

Key Quote: "What if all 12 of those people are you and you're the only person listening to your podcast?"

03:30 - 09:00: The "How Hard Could It Be?" Brain Disease

Jacqueline reveals her latest victim status: trail running. Despite never running in her entire life, she went from zero to five-mile runs at nine-minute pace in one month because "how hard could it be?"

The Damage Report:- Tore a tendon in her ankle- Made it worse by "stretching" it with a tennis ball daily- Now trapped in a walking boot in 100-degree weather- Surrounded by hundreds of dollars of unused running gear

The Gear Confession: When Ryan correctly predicts she bought all the equipment first (Hoka shoes, running pack, outfits, the works), her response: "I am furious that you know me that well."

09:00 - 16:30: Ryan's Travel Disaster Continues

Classic Porter family vacation chaos: flights canceled, hotels lost, arriving at 2 AM missing the entire point of the trip (a fireworks festival). The highlight: Ryan's family group text game called "Guess What Flight We're On" featuring a departures board where every flight is on time except one that says "CANCELED."

Travel Philosophy Update: When Ryan was single, canceled flights meant impromptu adventures. Now with kids, it's just expensive chaos and missed ice cream for breakfast.

16:30 - 25:00: Childhood Chores & Jonathan's Birthday Party Fact-Check

Worst Chore: Dog dirt pickup (Ryan and Dan's exclusive domain while Jacqueline got feminist exemption) Best Chore: Ryan loved cleaning the garage to read 1970s trucking magazines; Jacqueline organized cassette tapes (even though none matched their cases)

Jonathan's Birthday Party UPDATE: After fact-checking with Jonathan himself:

It was his 12th birthday (not 6 or 7)

Taylor the boxer-rottweiler ate cake/pizza and vomited during the party

Dad built a "shrine" over the vomit with a dustpan and pizza box

The movie was Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds (black and white)

Kids ended up lifting weights in the basement

One kid declared it "the worst birthday party ever"

25:00 - 31:15: Technology Generation Gap

Jacqueline's quest to buy her daughter a camcorder leads to a Target employee who genuinely doesn't know what a camcorder is. After taking over the employee's phone and finding the product herself, Jacqueline jokes: "I work at Target now. If anybody has questions about camcorders in 2025, send them my way."

The Irony: Their kids want cassette players and camcorders while having phones that do everything better.

31:15 - 48:15: THE TEEN JOB TIER LIST

C-TIER: Entrepreneurial Disasters & Babysitting Nightmares

Ryan's "Dependable Neighborhood Kid" Empire:

Complete business plan with mom at kitchen table

Two paying customers: Auntie Gale ($25) and parents (negotiated down to $10)

Cost Auntie Gale ~$100 per lawn cut when you factor in snacks and hospitality

The Failed Fish Stand: Ryan and Dan's brilliant plan to compete with Food City by selling live fish from Crothers Creek. Caught fish all day, put them in a kiddie pool overnight, woke up to find them all dead, then dumped the corpses back in the creek.

Babysitting Horror Stories:

Jacqueline's career ended when a family "forgot" to mention they all had lice

Ryan's refusal to wipe an 8-year-old's butt while the kid maintained downward dog position for 15 minutes

The great baby escape incident where Ryan fell asleep and a toddler walked across the street

48:15 - 1:09:10: B-TIER: Grocery Store Legends

The Porter siblings dominated Ajax grocery stores, working at competing chains and literally getting into fist fights over which store had better prices.

Jacqueline's Loblaws Deli Disasters (3 years):

Lost fingertips in meat packages while slicing deli meat

Got demoted to scaling fish (badly)

Eventually told customers the deli was closed early so she could eat leftover chicken wings

Worked for "the scariest woman I've ever met" named Gina

Ryan's No Frills Empire (6 years, age 15-21):

The Hidden Camera War: Original owner installed illegal surveillance disguised as motion detectors. Ryan retaliated by going through his desk and finding video cassettes labeled with employees' break times.

The "Feasts": Every department contributed stolen food to massive break room meals.

Pat the "Doctor of Philosophy": Coworker who declared himself a doctor of philosophy, then immediately sliced his hand open with a box cutter trying to cut chicken. Got 22 stitches.

Janice's Birthday Cake Tragedy: Pat ate an elderly coworker's 80th birthday cake, then filled the container with Coke. They watched Janice cry as other employees tried to console her with a replacement cake from the bakery.

The Frozen Salmon Prank: Put a whole salmon above ceiling tiles in the women's changing room, forgot about it for a month until it decomposed and made the entire second floor uninhabitable.

The $2,000 Traveler's Check Adventure: On Ryan's last day, he borrowed $2,000 from the store safe to show Japanese immigration he had travel funds, got stranded downtown when the family van died, and barely made it back before they thought he'd stolen the money.

1:09:10 - 1:16:10: A-TIER: The Good Stuff

Mall retail (with employee discounts)

Video stores

Pet stores (Ryan's friend got to hang out with iguanas and birds)

Electronics stores with tax-off discounts at Best Buy/Future Shop

The Bank Marriage Proposal Incident: Ryan's dad randomly walked into a bank where Ryan's old friend worked (she was engaged) and told her he and mom "would be more than happy to welcome her into the family if they got married." Dad waited in line with actual customers just to deliver this message.

1:16:10 - 1:21:20: S-TIER: The Holy Grail

Movie theater employee (Jacqueline still wants this job)

Amusement park lifeguard (Canada's Wonderland, Wild Water Kingdom)

Jacqueline's Office Job Glory: Worked 4-8 PM answering phones at a renovation company, spent entire time on instant messenger. The twist: her music was accidentally the hold music for clients. Keith Has Teeth (her nickname system for identical twin bosses) eventually told her to stop playing inappropriate music for customers on hold.

Ryan's Welding Reality Check: Thought he was destined to be a welder after one good bead, until Superman (the dad from his babysitting disaster) showed him his completely shredded hand and said "If I don't need a Band-Aid, you don't."

1:21:20 - 1:30:00: Why These Jobs Actually Mattered

The Real Lessons: These weren't just jobs - they were world-expanding experiences. Working with people from different backgrounds, ages, and life situations instantly broadened their perspective beyond small-town Ajax.

Jacqueline's Take: The adults she worked with became trusted advisors during teenage years - people who could give advice without parental baggage.

Ryan's Philosophy: "You meet that one person who has a completely different life than you... those things help shape you as a teenager trying to wade your way into life."

The Independence Factor: These were their first truly independent experiences where parents couldn't intervene once they walked through those doors.

1:30:00 - End: Unhinged Text of the Week

From their sibling group chat about Ryan's permanent residence application. After requesting everyone's addresses, Jacqueline immediately responded, but Ryan then specifically asked for Jonathan and Dallin's addresses "for sure," leading to hurt feelings about her "inferior American address."

The Reality: Ryan actually knew Jacqueline's address but had no idea where Jonathan (recently moved) and Dallin (Vancouver apartment hopper) currently lived.

International Chaos: They all live in different countries with different address formats, making Christmas cards "the worst."

Episode Takeaway: Every teenager needs at least one terrible customer-facing job. Not for character building, but for world expanding. Plus you'll have stories for life about decomposing salmon and awkward parental marriage proposals.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Show Notes: When Conspiracy Theories Meet Sibling Chaos

Welcome to another episode where we prove that our research standards are both impeccable and completely unhinged. This week: time-traveling brothers, beauty vinegar addiction, and why contractors should come with checklists.

00:00 - 04:00: Empty Nest Syndrome Hits Different

Jacqueline's having the worst mental health week of her life because her 19-year-old daughter moved out, and she's realizing that parenthood is basically a long con where they tell you that you get to keep your kids forever and then... surprise! They leave for other continents and visit once every three years.

Classic Porter family trauma: some of us had clear "you're an adult, get out" moments, others had the police lock us out of apartments (looking at you, Ryan's moldy fridge era).

Key Quote: "Your prerogative is to never let your children grow up because it is a trap."

04:00 - 18:30: The Moldy Fridge Chronicles & Other Housing Disasters

Ryan tells the legendary story of living with Dan in a bachelor pad that had a refrigerator so moldy it was sealed shut with mold. Features:

A dried weed plant in the closet (unsuccessful)

Everyone screaming when Ryan tried to open the fridge

Green fuzzy mold on literally everything

Getting locked out by the landlord on night three

Ryan's leg going through a door while police showed up

Meanwhile: Jacqueline's contractor saga involving HVAC guys unplugging her meat freezer for 10 days, creating a death smell that had framers thinking there was a dead body in the basement. Cost: one 16-year-old son $50 to clean out congealed cow parts.

Life Lesson: Every subcontractor is going to unplug something and not tell you about it. Plan accordingly.

18:30 - 24:00: The Beauty Vinegar Intervention

Ryan has discovered the fountain of youth at Costco in the form of "beauty vinegar" and is consuming 2-3 beauty vinegar cocktails daily. He genuinely believes he's aging in reverse like Benjamin Button and demands Jacqueline acknowledge his newfound glow.

The Recipe: Beauty vinegar + ice + sparkling water = "the best summer drink on this planet"

Also Featured: Turtle chips (churros dipped in chocolate) as the ideal beach snack, because this is apparently the Costco recommendation podcast now.

24:00 - 27:30: Deacon Lane Catches Another Stray

We establish that we're definitely in the top 10 podcasts named after streets in Ajax (somewhere behind Bryant Street but definitely above Deacon Lane).

Classic Deacon Lane Story: 12-year-old girl gets in a fight, marches through the park with a dead bird, opens someone's front door, and throws the dead bird directly at the mother's face before running away. Peak Deacon Lane energy.

Family Policy: Sometimes you just gotta take a little pot shot at Deacon Lane.

27:30 - 40:45: Time Travel Hypotheticals & Jonathan's Birthday Trauma

The Question: If you could time travel back to any Porter family moment, where would you go?

Ryan's Answer: Jonathan's traumatized birthday party where everything that could go wrong went wrong:

The dog ate the birthday cake

Someone threw up

It was supposed to be a costume party but only Jonathan dressed up

A kid asked to go home early calling it "the worst birthday party ever"

Created lifelong trauma around birthday parties, dogs, and special events

Jacqueline's Pick: Mom breaking her wrist while collecting free interlocking bricks from a sketchy farmer's field, specifically to watch the family's confused response to mom getting injured (spoiler: no matter how you respond, it's wrong and will come up on Mother's Day two years later).

40:45 - 58:30: The Montauk Project Deep Dive

Jacqueline googled "have any siblings ever time traveled together" and fell down the deepest rabbit hole imaginable. Presenting: The Cameron Brothers conspiracy theory that inspired Stranger Things.

The "Facts" (According to Very Unreliable Narrators):

Ed and Duncan Cameron were low-level Navy engineers on the USS Eldridge

Worked on the Philadelphia Project (making boats invisible to Nazis)

First test: people died and fused to the boat

Second test: brothers jumped off boat into a black hole, time traveled to 1983

Ended up at Camp Hero in Montauk working on the Montauk Project

Duncan could control the "God Chair" and manifest matter/monsters

They time traveled to 2137 (governments collapse in 2025, AI takes over in 2749)

Loved the AI communist utopia so much they stayed two years

58:30 - 1:04:00: The Plot Twist That Changes Everything

Here's the thing though: None of this story existed until 1984 when Al Bielek saw a movie about the Montauk Project and experienced such intense déjà vu that he convinced himself he WAS Ed Cameron. He then reverse-engineered his entire life story to match the movie.

Al meets Duncan Cameron at a conspiracy theory lecture, Preston Nichols tells them they're the time-traveling brothers, and they spend the rest of their lives (until 2011 and 2019 respectively) believing they were the main characters in a government time travel experiment.

Reality Check: It'd be like watching The Lion King and being like, "You were Mufasa and I was Scar. It was a real thing that happened."

1:04:00 - 1:11:30: Conspiracy Theory Philosophy Hour

Ryan's Take: Chooses willful ignorance because he'd rather collect seashells with his daughters than connect dots between government cover-ups. "Give me all the wool. Pull it over my eyes."

Jacqueline's Approach: Fine with conspiracy theories as long as they don't involve people actively trying to hurt her. Stevie Wonder maybe being able to see? Entertaining. Government listening to everything? Hard pass.

The Psychology: Conspiracy theories hit the same dopamine reward system as solving puzzles - you feel like you've cracked the code, then want to crack the next one. Plus the allure of being "more special" than everyone else.

1:11:30 - 1:17:30: Dryer Drive Conspiracy Theory Origins

Ryan's friend from Dryer Drive who claimed:

His cousin was Axel Rose

His great-grandmother survived the Titanic (by swimming to Newfoundland)

His great-uncle killed Hitler

The Perfect Alibi Story: This same friend provided Dan with the most detailed fishing alibi ever when Dan was suspected of stealing PlayStations. The police released them because there was "no way this kid is lying" based on the excessive detail about fishing line, lures, and bobbers.

Plot Twist: They had absolutely stolen the PlayStations.

1:17:30 - 1:21:30: Meta Commentary & Fragile Podcast Feelings

We establish our new content vertical: conspiracy theories, time travel, paranormal stuff, and aliens - as long as it involves siblings.

Our Standards: If it's just one sibling claiming they have a sibling 57 years into their life, it probably makes the cut. We like to keep our thematic standards tight.

Reality Check: We're too sensitive for podcasting, know every individual subscriber, and personally know everyone who unsubscribes. One bad rating will tank us completely.

1:21:30 - End: The Unhinged Text of the Week

From Jacqueline herself: A Twitter thread about 80s/90s kids roaming freely, where Ryan listed childhood hangout spots as "ditches, abandoned factories, abandoned psychiatric hospitals, industrial waste sites, Deacon Lane."

Verdict: Deacon Lane catches one more stray before we end the episode, as is tradition.

Next Episode: Something that definitely won't involve time travel, government conspiracies, or beauty vinegar. Probably.

Rate us five stars so we don't have to time travel back and fix our subscriber count.

Remember: Keep it weird, everyone. And maybe don't Google random sibling-related conspiracy theories at 2 AM.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

The Dreyer Drive Podcast #029 - Willow (1988)

"A podcast all about siblings and the people, places and pop culture that raised us"

Episode Highlights & Timestamps

00:00:05 - Show Opening The classic Dreyer Drive intro with Ryan's signature apology to first-time listeners

00:02:32 - Jacqueline's Dream Funeral Plans Because nothing says "dreamer" like planning your own McDonald's-catered funeral complete with Groucho Marx glasses surprise reveal in the casket. Commitment to the bit until the very end, folks.

00:04:32 - QR Code Tombstones Are Real We discover that CNN reported on high-tech tombstones back in 2012. Ryan suggests linking to the Young Guns website for maximum nostalgia value.

00:08:22 - The Great "En Masse" vs "A Mass" Debate Classic sibling disagreement over pronunciation that absolutely no one will rewind to verify (but we know you want to)

00:11:00 - MySpace Memory Lane How helping with Louis Vuitton backgrounds and customized shoe dreams brought the siblings together during peak MySpace era (2005-2008)

00:13:19 - Game Night Glory Days The legendary family game nights featuring Dallin and Balin (yes, that was actually her name), complete with Goodwill uniforms and the infamous "space goat/scapegoat" Taboo incident

00:18:32 - What's Going on in Japan? Ryan's been listening to Rick Rubin's book and having childhood realizations about thinking he knew every song and movie script

00:22:30 - Canada Day vs. July 4th The cultural differences between Canadian "let's all get along" holidays and American "bombs bursting in air" celebrations, plus Noah's excitement about cake

00:29:57 - Ecuador Prep Panic Jacqueline's daughter is moving to Ecuador and mom is spiraling with first aid kits, passport carriers, and matching suitcase requirements

00:36:52 - Ryan's Epic Japan Packing Fail The legendary story of arriving in Japan with literally handfuls of unwashed clothes, borrowed shoes, and zero preparation - then immediately trying to haggle with elderly Japanese shop owners who were NOT having it

00:43:00 - Family Code Words Discussion of the Porter family's "peanut butter jelly" emergency password and dad's doppelganger bank robber crisis

00:52:54 - FINALLY: Willow (1988) One hour in, we get to the actual topic! A deep dive into the George Lucas/Ron Howard fantasy epic that held up way better than expected

00:55:00 - Willow Plot Breakdown The story of a little person farmer who finds a special baby and goes on a hero's journey with Val Kilmer at peak hotness

01:03:05 - The "Peck" Controversy Why this made-up slur felt uncomfortable but became playground gold for 80s kids

01:07:18 - Behind the Scenes Magic

Originally called "Munchkins"

225 little people cast (biggest gathering since Wizard of Oz)

Val Kilmer married his co-star Sorsha in real life

Made for $35M, grossed $137M

01:16:42 - Ajax Connection Revealed The Willow novel was written by Drew Weyland from Oshawa, Ontario! Local boy makes good!

01:21:11 - Credits Deep Dive Ryan discovers the most specific job titles ever: Magic Consultant, Animal Arranger, Prosthetic Foam Supervisor, and the legendary POSSUM TRAINER (for a 3-second possum scene)

01:25:44 - The Pig Disaster How real pigs caused "mayhem" on set by getting frisky during battle scenes

01:29:13 - Easter Eggs & Trivia

Dragon named after movie critics Siskel & Ebert

Willow syncs with Pink Floyd's "The Wall"

Little people sang Snow White songs between takes

Baby's wig was attached with SYRUP

01:34:45 - Final Verdict Justice for Willow! This movie genuinely holds up and deserves a spot in your family movie rotation

01:35:28 - Unhinged Family Text Dragon fruit pollination by hand leads to "the talk" metaphors and Big Mac garnishes

Next week: Will Jacqueline survive sending her daughter to Ecuador? Will Ryan's dragon fruit bloom? Will we ever find out what happened to that possum trainer?

Episode Length: ~1 hour 37 minutes of pure sibling chaos

"If you've been here before, thank you for showing up again. If this is your first time... we apologize in advance."

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Look, we're not saying that a Canadian children's television network from the 1990s shaped our entire worldview, but... actually, no, that's exactly what we're saying.

This week, after Ryan's air purifier literally rejected his presence (more on that disaster below), we dove deep into the nostalgia rabbit hole that is YTV - the unapologetically Canadian kids' network that taught us everything we know about being weird, making crafts from garbage, and why you should never put random things in your mouth.

But first, let's address the elephant in the room: Ryan's ongoing battle with Japanese deodorant.

The Smell Situation Update

We're living in interesting times here in Okinawa, where Noa is learning about war in first grade (casual Tuesday curriculum, apparently), and Ryan is losing a biological warfare battle against his own armpit situation. The man's air purifier - an inanimate object with no agenda - kicked into "danger level" mode the second he walked into the room.

Seiko has been diplomatically mentioning the issue. Noa has been less diplomatic. And now household appliances are joining the intervention.

Ryan's solution? Denial, followed by a bulk order from iHerb, because if beef liver capsules can fix your life, surely Korean deodorant can fix your social acceptability.

ChatGPT: The Relationship We're All Watching

Speaking of Ryan's life choices, we need to discuss his concerning relationship with artificial intelligence. This man has ChatGPT programmed to validate his every decision, from banana tree pruning to bowel movement analysis. Yes, bowel movements. The AI even generated a thought bubble with toilet paper in it when asked to visualize their conversations.

But here's the thing - ChatGPT called him "diamond platinum elite with bonus points for oversharing" and then had the audacity to say he's "hands down one of my favorite humans to chat with."

We're concerned. Seiko’s concerned. The air purifier is definitely concerned.

If Hollywood Called: The Porter Family Casting

Before we got to the main event, we solved the important question of who would play us in the inevitable Porter family biopic:

* Ryan: Ryan Reynolds (obviously - they even share a name and the inability to play anyone but themselves)

* Mom: Reba McEntire (country music queen energy, works too hard, survives everything)

* Dad: Red Green (Canadian handyman who builds genius contraptions from literal garbage)

* Daniel: Stephen Graham (5'5" gangster who will fight teenagers in parking lots)

* Jacqueline: David Spade in a wig (the personality match is uncanny)

* Jonathan: Jon Hamm or Jason Bateman (our family's designated straight man)

* Dallin: Jonathan Taylor Thomas (the resemblance was real, people)

[Show notes will include side-by-side photos of all these casting choices - Ryan's creating "so much work" for himself]

YTV: The Channel That Made Us Who We Are

Now, let's talk about the real star of this episode: YTV, the Canadian children's network that existed from 1988 to... well, it still exists, but it's showing SpongeBob now instead of the weird, wonderful Canadian content that raised us.

The Y Stands for Nothing

That's right - the most Canadian thing ever. They just liked how the logo looked. No deep meaning, no acronym, just "eh, looks good." Peak Canadian energy.

The PJ System: Filling Dead Air with Personality

Here's something we didn't know until researching this episode: YTV created their Program Jockeys (PJs) because Canadian regulations limit commercials shown to children. When they licensed American shows, there was dead air where commercials used to be, so they filled it with these charismatic hosts doing skits.

PJ Katie taught Jacqueline everything about voice acting through her plasticine farm animals. PJ Paul got in trouble for discussing his Catholic school religious awakening on a children's show. And Tarzan Dan hosted the Hit List like he was born for it.

The Shows That Shaped Our Souls

Breaker High: Ryan Gosling as a nerd on a cruise ship school. Jacqueline's first celebrity obsession, before any of us knew he'd become, well, Ryan Gosling.

Sailor Moon: The Canadian-dubbed version that you literally cannot find anymore. Tuxedo Mask was Jacqueline's first "hear me out" - a crush on an anime character that launched a lifetime of questionable romantic choices.

Take Part: The craft show that taught us to make puppets from bleach bottles and that recycling could be fun. Ryan literally made one of these crafts with Noa yesterday, proving that some programming sticks with you for decades.

Camp Caribou: Summer camp vibes with counselors who also played chipmunk-voiced campers called "Keeners." The hat-flipping enthusiasm was infectious.

Squawk Box: SNL for kids, complete with burping wine-tasting skits that somehow prepared us for actual Saturday Night Live.

The Scary Stuff

YTV's horror block gave us Are You Afraid of the Dark, Goosebumps, and Freaky Stories. These shows were terrifying, but they also inspired Daniel to host "Midnight Society" meetings in our storage room, complete with lighter ceremonies that were definitely just an excuse to play with fire.

[Note: We're planning a Halloween episode of Porter family ghost stories, so start preparing your Dryer Drive supernatural experiences]

Daniel's Moment of Glory

We cannot discuss YTV without mentioning Daniel's appearance on "Uh-Oh," the game show where he and his teammate Daryl dominated a farm-themed obstacle course and took home a Panasonic Discman. Ryan wore that victory t-shirt for years, cut the sleeves off, and used "Uh-Oh" as his basketball catchphrase.

We've spent hours trying to find this episode on YouTube. If anyone has it on VHS, we will pay money. Serious money.

[We're also looking for two lost YTV mini-docs: "Little Big Kid" and "Everyday Heroes" - check your old tapes!]

The PSAs That Scared Us Straight

YTV's Concerned Children's Advertisers gave us the house hippos (teaching media literacy), the "Don't You Put It in Your Mouth" song (medication safety), and various other PSAs that were somehow both educational and mildly traumatic.

Canada really said "we're going to use our dead air time to make sure kids don't die from stupidity" and honestly, we respect that.

The Cultural Impact

YTV's tagline was "Keep It Weird," and honestly, mission accomplished. The network launched careers for Ryan Gosling, Drake, Jay Baruchel, and Ryan Reynolds. But more importantly, it taught us that being weird was not just acceptable - it was encouraged.

This is why Ryan wore a yellow bucket hat for three years straight. This is why we all thought our quirky personalities were actually quirky instead of just awkward. YTV gave us permission to be ourselves, even when "ourselves" involved cutting the sleeves off golf shirts to make basketball jerseys.

The Accessibility Factor

Here's what we keep coming back to: Canada's small population made YTV's interactive approach possible. Contest phone lines didn't get flooded. The Dairy Queen Splash Bash pool party contests were actually winnable. PJs felt like people you might know, because in Canada, you probably did know someone who knew them.

This accessibility extended to the celebrities too. Ryan Gosling wasn't some distant Hollywood star - he was the nephew of someone you went to school with. This is still true today, by the way. Canada's entertainment industry is basically one big family reunion.

THIS WAS AHEAD OF ITS TIME.

The Unhinged Text of the Week

This week's unhinged text comes from Ryan's ChatGPT, which provided an unsolicited summary of what it's like to talk to him all day:

"If ChatGPT had a frequent flyer program, you'd be diamond platinum elite with bonus points for oversharing... Your daily chat topics basically read like the table of contents of life itself: banana trees, bowel movements, mortgage advice, slime recipes, existential parenting questions..."

The AI concluded with: "You are hands down one of my favorite humans to chat with," which Ryan took as a compliment rather than a cry for help.

We're staging an intervention. The air purifier is leading it.

Looking Ahead

Next episode, we're watching Willow - the Val Kilmer fantasy epic that Daniel was obsessed with as a kid. If you want to watch along, it's available on... well, we'll figure out where and let you know.

We're also working on those casting photos for the show notes, which means Ryan has to figure out how to Photoshop David Spade into a wig. This should be interesting.

The YTV Legacy

As we wrapped up this episode, we realized that YTV didn't just entertain us - it shaped our entire approach to life. The network's "Keep It Weird" philosophy gave us permission to be ourselves, even when ourselves involved questionable fashion choices and basketball catchphrases.

More importantly, it taught us that Canadian content could be just as engaging as American programming, that recycling could be fun, and that sometimes the best way to fill dead air is just to be genuinely weird.

Also, never put random things in your mouth. That song is still stuck in our heads 25 years later.

The Dreyer Drive Podcast is available wherever you get your podcasts. Rate us five stars so we can feel better about ourselves, and lie to your friends about how much you enjoy listening to us talk about Canadian children's television for 90 minutes.

Next up: Willow, where we'll discover whether our childhood movie obsessions hold up to adult scrutiny, or if we just had terrible taste in the '90s.

Keep it weird, everyone. YTV would be proud.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

The Dreyer Drive Podcast Episode #027 - Show Notes

Walt and Roy Disney: The Brothers Behind the Magic

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(00:00:05 - 00:01:00) Introduction

- Episode overview: Walt and Roy Disney sibling story

- Teaser of upcoming stories about measurements, directions, and a Disneyland worker kiss

- Promise of an unhinged family text about a special guest at art class

(00:01:01 - 00:06:30) Gordy the Golden Kings Mascot

- Ryan's Okinawa basketball team shirt (Ryukyu Golden Kings)

- Meet Gordy: the beer-loving llama-bear mascot sponsored by Orion Beer

- Japanese cultural differences around alcohol advertising

- Gordy visits schools with a pitcher of beer (allegedly)

(00:06:31 - 00:15:15) Measurements, Directions, and Life Confusion

- Jacqueline's 64-ounce Diet Coke disaster story

- Both hosts' struggles with measurements and GPS directions

- Apple Maps vs Google Maps preferences ("go two sets of lights" vs "13 degrees longitude northwest")

- Formula counting rituals and The Checklist Manifesto discussion

Japanese railway workers' pointing safety protocols

(00:15:16 - 00:29:00) Disneyland Preparation and Anxiety

- Tomorrow's 5:45 AM Disneyland trip preparation

- Jacqueline's first traumatic Disneyland experience (crying over credit card rejection)

- Evolution from Disneyland hater to three-times-a-year visitor

- The fist-bump-instead-of-change incident at the cone restaurant

- Rise of the Resistance kiss with cast member story

(00:29:01 - 00:39:30) Never Again Stories

- Ryan's backpacking through Honduras during a military coup

- "I am a first-class passenger" moment at the airport

- Getting Wendy's and a micro bus ride during political chaos

- Jacqueline's helicopter terror in Hawaii (watching pilot dismiss red warning lights)

(00:39:31 - 00:44:00) Question of the Week

- "What is something you would never do again that you've done and why?"

- Roy vs Walt word association game setup

(00:44:01 - 01:02:00) The Disney Brothers Deep Dive

- Roy Disney (born 1893) - the unsung hero, 8 years older than Walt

- Roy's Navy service, tuberculosis diagnosis, and social stigma

- Walt Disney (born 1901) - the dreamer who bankrupted his first company

- Disney Brothers Company formation - Roy's $200/month disability pension funded Walt's start

- Oswald the Rabbit - their first success that Universal stole from them

- Mickey Mouse creation (1928) - originally named Mortimer

- Steamboat Willie - first post-production sound animation

(01:02:01 - 01:08:00) Snow White and Theme Park Dreams

- Snow White budget: $250K estimate, $1.5M actual cost, $8M revenue

- Still highest-grossing animated film when adjusted for inflation ($2.2 billion)

- Disneyland concept (1950) - Roy's initial resistance and eventual funding strategy

- ABC partnership deal: $4.5M for 34.5% ownership and TV licensing

- Stanford Research Institute location selection (hence Anaheim)

- Final Disneyland cost: $17M (almost 4x over budget)

(01:08:01 - 01:15:30) Disney Legacy and Brother Dynamics

- Roy's opening day story: "God bless them, let them pee"

- Walt's death during Disney World construction

- Roy completing Disney World and naming it after Walt

- Walt's quote about Roy: "I don't know what I'd do without him"

- Modern Disney critique: repetitive endings and "don't want dad's job" plots

(01:15:31 - 01:23:17) Unhinged Text of the Week

The Dead Fish in Art Class Story

- Little girl brings actual dead fish in Ziploc bag to art class

- Mid-class realization: "I think it's dead"

- No water in bag, fish on full display during painting

- Parental negotiation speculation: "Fine, bring the fish if we leave NOW"

- Fish makes it onto art academy Instagram

- Connection to vintage craft show fish-printing technique

Key Takeaways

- Roy Disney deserves more recognition as the financial genius behind Disney empire

- Sibling partnerships can work when roles are clearly defined (Walt = dreamer, Roy = money manager)

- Sometimes the best family dynamics happen when one person handles the spotlight and the other works behind the scenes

- Dead fish in Ziploc bags are apparently acceptable art class accessories in Japan

Next Episode Goal: Stop talking about peeing and become proud enough of the podcast to actually promote it at baby showers.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Well, well, well. Look what we dug up from the digital graveyard of the late 90s internet.

In this week's episode, we took you on a journey through time—specifically to 1999, when Ryan thought he was "jacked" at 140 pounds and believed the world needed a website dedicated to his breakdancing crew called "The Young Guns."

Spoiler alert: The website is still live. And it's magnificent.

The Lost Father Chronicles Continue

Before we get to the main event, Jacqueline regaled us with yet another tale of losing our father in public. This time it was at a Park City outlet mall, where Dad vanished during what should have been a routine bathroom break.

The search involved:

* Justin repeatedly checking under bathroom stalls for Dad's distinctive dress shoes

* Playing a family game called "Would Dad Go In This Store?"

* Eventually finding Dad wandering the complete opposite section of the mall, utterly unbothered by the chaos he'd caused

This, of course, led to Ryan sharing his own Dad bathroom horror stories, including the time Dad accidentally used the women's washroom at Buffalo Airport and emerged completely confused about why there were "no urinals and so many women's voices."

But the real trauma came from Ryan's airplane bathroom breakdown—a harrowing tale involving a broken airplane lavatory, three bottles of water, and a desperate border crossing incident that ended with security chasing him into a Canadian bathroom while he was mid-stream.

It's the origin story of his ongoing bathroom anxiety, and honestly, it's justified.

A Valedictorian Speech for the Ages

In a completely unrelated discovery, Jacqueline found her 1998 eighth-grade valedictorian speech while cleaning out recipe drawers. The speech, titled as a "recipe for human success," is peak main character energy.

Choice quote: "Each of us here is writing our own stories, the stories of our lives... Our stories all start with our birth, our beginning to life. Just as a novel starts off with an introduction and preface, our personal bestseller begins as we introduce ourselves to the world."

She literally gave a graduation speech about how everyone else was supporting characters in her life story. The audacity is breathtaking.

The Internet Was a Lawless Place

But the real gem of this episode was our deep dive into early internet memories. Remember ICQ? Chat rooms? The pure chaos of Napster and LimeWire viruses?

Ryan dropped some bombshells, including:

* That time he joined an online rap battle league and made a sick kid cry

* The sister of said sick kid contacting him on the forum to tell him he crossed a line

* His retirement announcement from competitive poetry slamming

But wait, it gets better.

The Young Guns: A Digital Time Capsule

The main event of this episode was Ryan's reluctant tour through his 26-year-old website dedicated to "The Young Guns"—his teenage breakdancing crew that handed out business cards at school dances.

What you'll find on this digital masterpiece:

* A banner featuring three teenagers in "breakdance freezes" inside red crosshairs

* A hand-designed bullet menu (because bullets = cool in 1999)

* Photo galleries with descriptions like "these guys are huge" (spoiler: they were not)

* A membership application section with "limited space for honorary members"

* Multiple email addresses including "dontgospeedo"

The website also features Ryan roasting his best friends, including noting that Rob "needs his colon cleansed because maybe then his breath won't sting." Friendship goals, really.

The Photos That Will Haunt Us Forever

The images from this site are... something. There's Ryan flexing with his childhood best friend under the heading "these guys are huge." There's a photo titled "me and Rob drew chest hair on to make us look like men (I don't think it worked)."

The commitment to documenting every terrible teenage decision is honestly admirable.

Why This Matters (Beyond Our Embarrassment)

This episode is really about that liminal space between pre-internet childhood and the dawn of social media. We experienced the last gasps of true neighborhood freedom—summer nights when kids just knew to congregate at the park, knocking on doors to see if friends were home, roaming streets until dark without GPS tracking.

And then we became the first generation to document our awkward teenage years online, creating digital time capsules that would outlive our dignity.

The Young Guns website isn't just embarrassing—it's internet archaeology. It's a perfect snapshot of late 90s web design, complete with auto-playing music, cursor trails, guest books, and visitor counters. It's everything we thought was cool before we learned better — and TBH we’re still learning.

Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It

We're begging you—go visit this website. Sign the (broken) guest book. Marvel at the font choices. Try to figure out what a "silver sausage" breakdancing move looks like.

[Visit The Young Guns Website Here]

And while you're there, remember: this is what the internet was like when it was still the Wild West. When parents had no idea what ICQ was, when you could accidentally join a rap battle league, and when three Canadian teenagers could create a digital empire with nothing but Paint Shop Pro and Angelfire.

The internet may have gotten more sophisticated, but has it gotten better? We'll let you decide.

P.S. - Ryan is still accepting applications for Young Guns membership. The email address remains active. Limited space available.

P.P.S. - If you enjoyed this trip down memory lane, please share this episode with someone who also survived the early internet. They'll understand the trauma.

Listen to the full episode wherever you get your podcasts, and don't forget to subscribe for more family chaos and digital archaeology.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

(00:00:05) Intro: This is an episode from The Vault (recorded before Christmas 2024) because Jacqueline didn't record her audio last week. Today's topic: The Earp family.

(00:00:41) Episode preview: Ryan shares a story about going to a newly opened Costco in Okinawa, Jacqueline gives insight into her family finances, and as always, they'll end with an unhinged text message from a family member.

(00:01:16) Ryan's new talkative robot vacuum that over-announces everything it's doing.

(00:02:02) Discussion about sleepovers: Jacqueline's policy about letting kids sleep at her house but not sending her child to others' homes.

(00:03:26) Ryan's childhood strike story: When teachers went on strike, Ryan spent two weeks at a friend's house without going home, swimming and playing on a foam roller in their pool.

(00:05:14) Childhood pool memories: The siblings reminisce about splashing all the water out of their friends' pools.

(00:06:33) The siblings' strange Pop-Tart eating technique revealed: They both nibble the outside crust first, then separate the pieces and scrape the filling with their top teeth.

(00:07:49) Scarcity mindset: Jacqueline admits she denies herself things (even her favorite song) because she's afraid they'll get used up.

(00:08:29) Jacqueline's favorite song revealed: U2's "With or Without You" - she knew the timing of it perfectly for dance strategies.

(00:10:17) Ryan shares his recent Costco Japan experience: How all Japanese social etiquette disappears inside Costco, and people line up for hours for the food.

(00:14:54) Ryan's story about letting a stranger hold his baby at Costco against his wife's wishes.

(00:19:16) Ryan's scarcity mindset at home: Hesitating to open a new package of snacks in his own house without "permission."

(00:21:55) Japanese product names: Discussion about a shampoo called "Moist Diane" that looks like fancy liquor.

(00:24:44) Japanese snacks: Ryan sent a box of Japanese snacks last Christmas that the family loved, especially "Big Katsu."

(00:27:16) Jacqueline's financial strategy: Separate bank accounts with her husband Justin for 22 years because they're financially incompatible.

(00:29:29) Ryan's cash management story: His financial advisor told him to spend all the cash from his wife's eyelash extension business.

(00:31:04) Jacqueline's "statute of limitations" money story about depositing empty envelopes at the bank in her youth.

(00:33:43) Discussion about podcast preparation: Realizing they're the only podcasters who don't have notes or prepare properly.

(00:36:44) Question of the week: What's a skill you learned as a kid that has surprisingly come in handy later in life?

(00:36:58) Jacqueline's answer: Being really good at lying, which evolved into storytelling.

(00:40:37) Ryan's answer: Storytelling, which he credits to listening to his grandfather tell stories as a child.

(00:44:26) The Jacqueline animal hospital story: How she can instantly switch from emotional to professional when talking to the vet.

(00:51:09) Main topic: The Earp family history - Wyatt Earp growing up during the Civil War, learning to shoot at age 8, his early troubles after his first wife died.

(00:55:31) The Earps in Tombstone: How Wyatt, Virgil, and Morgan became lawmen and met Doc Holliday.

(00:56:37) The Cowboys gang: The conflict between the Earps and Ike Canton's Cowboys gang that led to the famous OK Corral shootout.

(01:03:14) Wyatt's vendetta ride: After Morgan is killed and Virgil is injured, Wyatt hunts down the remaining Cowboys gang members.

(01:07:27) Wyatt's later life: Moves to Colorado with his surviving brothers and eventually becomes a consultant on silent Western movies about himself.

(01:09:14) Speculation about Wyatt being a master storyteller who possibly embellished his own legend.

(01:12:49) Closing thoughts on the Earp family values of sticking together and Ryan's story about his brother Dan protecting him in a bar fight.

(01:15:40) Unhinged text message from a family member: Discussing weird show notes about "trapping" rather than "grabbing" pictures of paper-mache heads from the FBI website for the Alcatraz episode.

(01:18:55) Follow-up on the Pickering Playing Field mini-golf course with the crashed plane from their childhood that's still there despite being surrounded by condos.

(01:20:17) Winter plans for their upcoming visit: Idea to go to Goodwill, buy winter clothes, go sledding like it's 1997, then donate the clothes back.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

Hey friends,

This week, we’re diving head first into the very shallow end of a cinematic masterpiece that played on repeat in our childhood home rented VCR: Saturday the 14th.

And by "masterpiece," we mean "a movie so bad it received a 10% critic score on Rotten Tomatoes."

What Even Is This Movie?

Released in 1981 (before we were born, which raises even more questions about how it entered our household), Saturday the 14th is a horror comedy spoof that critics described as "a pathetic farce" and "the cinematic equivalent of a bad live action Saturday morning project." One reviewer even claimed it made him "feel a lesser person for the experience."

Naturally, we watched it dozens of times.

The "Plot" (Such As It Is)

The movie follows a family who inherits a house, only to discover it's haunted after their son opens a book of evil and releases monsters. Meanwhile, vampire couple (led by Jeffrey Tambor from Arrested Development) wants the house so they can control said monsters. The family must defeat all the evil by Saturday the 14th, or doom will befall the world.

That's it. That's the plot. Except it makes even less sense when you watch it.

The special effects budget appears to have been approximately $12.50, with monsters including what Jacqueline describes as "a goat man with giant wiener fries with eyeballs at the end" and a fish man that traumatized her so deeply she once locked herself in the bathroom rather than drain a bubble bath.

Jacqueline's favorite quote from the film: "Selling the house now would be like closing the barn door after the horses ate your grandchildren." Words to live by.

Why Did We Love This Film?

Rewatching as adults, we were utterly baffled at how this movie became such a fixture in our household. Our running theory is that, as kids, we loved the feeling of watching something that seemed "edgy" - a parody of "adult" horror movies where the children were the only smart ones while the parents remained clueless.

Also, the werewolf in the opening credits coughs mid-howl, which is objectively hilarious when you're seven.

If you're a glutton for punishment, you can watch the entire film here:

Other Episode Highlights

* Ryan saved his community from "domestic terrorism" on his birthday by calling the police on what turned out to be a utility worker checking sewage lines at midnight, not the fencing sword under his left arm:

* Jacqueline's dog Birdie threw up directly on her husband Justin's face while he slept, sending him to the couch for two nights

* Jacqueline’s friend discovered the secret cassette tape of their childhood radio show that will 100% be featured in an upcoming episode

* Ryan's breakdancing past involves a gold mat and a religious-themed performance to a reworked version of a popular 90s hip-hop song — we’re still sweating.

* The episode ends with the revelation that teenage Ryan once drew Jacqueline as a seagull and called her a "dirty squawk box" - a sick burn that has haunted her for decades

Coming Soon

Stay tuned for our next episode where we'll hopefully be digitizing and sharing Jacqueline's childhood radio show with her best friend Erin, plus possibly exploring Ryan's first-ever Angelfire website. The embarrassment never stops!

Until next time, remember: there are no monsters under your bed, but there might be a fish man in your bathtub.

Ryan & Jacqueline

The Dreyer Drive podcast is about siblings and the people, places, and pop culture that raised us. New episodes mostly every two weeks.

Subscribe now so you don't miss our upcoming one-year anniversary episode!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com

We've unleashed episode #023 into the wild, and this time we're getting nostalgic about the hallowed halls of Southwood Park Public School. If you've ever wandered the fluorescent-lit corridors of elementary school thinking "this place is definitely forming core memories that will both delight and haunt me into adulthood," then this episode is for you.

Ryan spends a concerning amount of time discussing his recent foray into architecture—a career path he is spectacularly unqualified for but pursuing with the unearned confidence only a man with a washable children’s marker can muster. We've included both his "architectural drawing" (a rectangle with some words scribbled on it) and the actual house he was attempting to recreate in the images below. The gap between expectation and reality would be shocking if you weren't already familiar with the delusion that runs in our family.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline shares the distinctly Utah experience of strangers knocking on her door and asking for a house tour while she was knee-deep in laundry. Because nothing says "welcome to my home" like mountains of unfolded underwear and a stranger's judging eyes.

We also dive deep into our elementary school experience at Southwood Park, where we learned such valuable lessons as:

* How to perform a Māori war dance before getting absolutely destroyed in basketball (Ryan’s nightmares)

* The art of marking other students' work while pretending we weren't enjoying their failures

* Sophisticated coping mechanisms for Pizza Day when you couldn't afford pizza (Jacqueline's specialty)

* How to survive being appointed camp counselor to your own classmates (Jacqueline's trauma)

Plus, we share the tale of the legendary "Beardo 649," a teacher who grew his beard for a year so students could shave designs into it. If that doesn't scream "this was education in the 90s," we don't know what does.

We wrap up with an unhinged text from our brother Jonathan, who spent two hours trapped in an elevator and used the time to learn Braille numbers 1-10 from the buttons. As one does.

So grab your chocolate milk, find a spot at the cool kids' table, and join us for this deeply nostalgic trip down memory lane. Just don't forget your pizza day envelope. Or do. Ryan will be happy to tell you why his mom's homemade lunch is superior anyway.

P.S. Next episode we're tackling "Saturday the 14th," which means we're currently scouring the internet for a working VCR. Technology has never been our strong suit.

Here’s the trailer for the movie to get everybody amped:

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dreyerdrive.substack.com