The Frustration Factor

A1 Greetings Earth humans. I have opened our broadcast channel to comply with the new sunshine rules promulgated by the Central Council. It is no longer permissible for us to meet in secret or for us to develop plans and strategies without complete transparency. You are thus invited to listen in on our discussion preliminary to transmitting our status report back to the home planet.

 

A2 This feels a little awkward. Talking among ourselves is always comfortable but knowing that anyone can listen in is not so easy. I like to tell myself that I’m not going to say anything that can’t go public, but I’m not sure that’s totally true. Having everyone know what I’m really thinking is sure not the same as just talking among ourselves.

 

A3 What I don’t grock is why they did it. Why did the Central Council change the rules? What’s the deal with them thinking that everyone should know what we are thinking before we make our final decisions? It was working just fine for us to finalize our plans and then let them know what we decided.…

A1 It has been brewing for a while I think. They are alarmed by what they call hidden pockets of power. They were aware of the issue on the home planet and knew it has been operating on the Earth planet for many sun cycles and perhaps from the beginning. My sense is that the change in policy became more urgent recently. Specifically, trends in the America pod seem to be what brought it to a head.

 

A4 From what I have picked up on the chatter channels, you are very much on target. In sun cycles past, there were factions holding opposing views on most issues. This caused a lot of conflict and controversy; but it was still possible to work through differences in ways that allowed resolution and progress on most all issues. Society in general and government in particular continued to function calmly and relatively smoothly. There were occasional eruptions related to issues like discrimination, excessive police actions, civil rights abuses, and so on; but it was still possible for those in positions of power and authority to come together to work on constructive change and mutually accepted solutions. The pockets of power were there but mostly ready to support the common good.

 

A2 I heard a talk by one of the gurus back home who tried to explain what the Central Council finds so alarming. She reviewed in more detail the kinds of things you mentioned. I thought her conclusion got to the essence of it. She concluded that the critical change has been an increasing unwillingness to even discuss compromise or ways to find the middle ground. She believes that the art of politics has rather suddenly disappeared. Instead of coming together, the politicians and others in power are digging in, refusing to budge on their positions.

 

A5 I’m not sure I grock how alarm about pockets of power and what is probably the death of politics as we know it has to do with the new sunshine rules. What does any of that have to do with requiring that we open all of our discussions up to anyone who happens to want to listen in?

 

A1 Let me at least take a pass at responding to your question. In other Earth pods but in the America pod specifically, there is a long-standing belief that there is a political action process that is available to every America human. If he or she wants the government to do or not do something, it is only necessary to convince a substantial group of America humans to support the idea. They then become an advocacy group, committed to the idea. The group can then lobby politicians and try to work up wider support for their idea. They likely will not get exactly what they want but will move the outcome closer to their view. The political shift gets us back to the power pocke...

Greetings my friend. I had not expected to be back so soon, but our intrepid hunters just happened across the Great Mouse as they were in the midst of a routine training mission in a remote jungle venue. It was just good luck that they were armed and ready for the unexpected confrontation. I think the Great Mouse was as surprised as were our intrepid hunters. Let's check in to learn how the impromptu battle resolved itself.

I am struck by how often I am confronted with what I have come to think of as the taking sides dilemma. Either President Trump is a good guy who deserves our support and confidence or is a bad guy who we should fear and distrust. Either immigrants are merely harmless people looking for a better life or are dangerous thugs and potential terrorists who are a threat to our families and communities. Either unrestricted access to guns is a benign, constitutional imparitive or is the underlying cause of mass shootings and random violance. Make your choice and then take the side you know is right.

We are thoughtful, logical, reasonable people who are not mindless side takers. We are open minded, take care to consider all perspectives and aspects before making decisions and judgements, and base our choices and conclusions on facts and a clear grasp on reality. We don’t reflexively take sides. Rather, when we take sides, truth, logic, and a firm understanding of conditions and situations guide where we stand.

How well does that work for you? I hope it’s working better for you than it is for me. I struggle with figuring out what is true, what is real, and what does and doesn’t matter. Even if I’m sure that something definitely matters, my struggle isn’t over. It’s not yet time to take sides. I also have to assess just how much it matters in relationship to everything else that matters. …

Taking sides and knowing which side to take would be much easier if we could limit ourselves to our direct experiences. It still would not always be easy, but we would at least be basing our choices on personal knowledge. Unfortunately, our world no longer works that way, if it ever did. Most of our side taking is based on past influences and current circumstances over which we have little control and limited understanding. Most of what we know and think we know about the world we live in comes from others who are getting their knowledge from others who are getting their knowledge from others. Which side we choose to take comes down to who we choose to believe, or does it?

Who Do We Believe?

Quite often, it doesn’t matter all that much who we choose to believe. This is especially the case when most everyone is saying approximately the same thing. A huge hurricane came ashore in North Carolina. North Korea has an atomic bomb. Unemployment in the United States is at or near an all time low. Many of our roads and bridges are in urgent need of repare or replacement. There may be some dissenters but the majority view is compelling.

Side taking becomes much more difficult when we get conflicting reports, opinions, perspectives, and opposing understandings of events, conditions, circumstances, and the people associated with them. The atmosphere at the White House is or is not chaotic. Congress is or is not effective. The risk of global warming is or is not over rated. Tariffs are or are not good for the economy. Pick most any local, state, or national issue, and we quickly see that opposing views and opinions are rampent.

When I put it that way, it seems that most of us would have trouble taking sides, – so many problems, so many issues, so many possible choices. I’m not sure whether it’s human nature, habit, indifference, or some kind of rational reductionism; but most of us will use our default decision template, our standard fallback position. That means we will stand with the side we have always stood with, continue believing what we already believed, trusting the sources we have come to trust. We simply adopt the views, opinions, and perspectives of those who’s side we have taken in the past.

There is another dimention to this. Again, I don’t know whether it’s human nature, habit, indifference, or some kind of rational reductionism, but once we have taken sides and particularly when we have taken sides with a person or group,

Greetings and thank you for the opportunity to speak with you today about one of life's important lessons that far too many of us overlook. We should have learned, did learn, but show others through our behavior that our personal education has fallen a bit short. Think of this as remedial education. You, like I, have heard the lecture but occasionally need reminded. The lesson is there for each of us. I will try harder to take it to heart and hope you do as well.

Life's most important lessons are amazingly varied and can be quite confusing. Even so, they most all have two things in common. First, they usually are not particularly complicated. It certainly can sometimes take a while to get it; but once you do get it, the lesson is normally straight-up and to the point. Second, and here is the rub, the lessons invariably are a "So now you tell me!" kind of thing. Oh sure, hindsight is 20/20, live and learn, no one is perfect, and you are only human. Nonetheless, having learned your lesson is not much consolation once you have already missed important opportunities to achieve personal excellence with people and important relationships. Yes, you may do better the next time; but your chance to get it right the first time has passed and will not return. Much better is to get it right, the first time, on time, every time. …

It is certainly true no one is perfect, you are only human, and things only work out just the way you want them to in the movies. Life can be a real bear sometimes; but fortunately, you do not have to take responsibility for life. You are only on the hook for who you are and what you do. Here is a suggestion worth taking to heart. Start with developing a Proactive Personal Style PPS that sets you apart, that lets everyone know you are a class act.

Think about people you know who stand out from the crowd, people who are certifiable class acts. They have three techniques down pat. First, they are originals. Their style and approach with people and situations are their trademarks. Second, they are not on-again, off-again. They are always uniquely themselves. Third, and here is the key: it is no accident. They usually make it seem easy and natural; but take a closer look and you will soon understand and appreciate how hard they work at it. They consciously and purposely do everything they do, with style, all the time, on purpose, one situation at a time, one person at a time.

Proactive Personal Style is not grounded in flashy clothes, gestures of affection, superficial interest, staged behavior, or anything else serving only to call attention to the individual. It is grounded in commitment, sincerity, and personal integrity. It is the stuff toward which admiration flows, the special ingredient setting the interpersonal standard others aspire to follow.

Perhaps you are acquainted with an interpersonal superstar. Even better, perhaps you are yourself someone who has reached the interpersonal pinnacle. If so, you know the PPS elite provide a value-added benefit for others they cannot get from the merely competent. Many people have their occasional flashes of brilliance; but the crème de la crème work their wizardry consistently, creatively, and in virtually every situation.

Of course, there is their uncanny ability to anticipate problems and opportunities and their simply taking it for granted people usually are trying to do what is right. As important as that is, they have an even more important secret. They always remember and own everything they say, agree to, and do. The PPS bottom line is integrity; and following the lead of people who have it is a certain path to your unique Proactive Personal Style.

Now we know, are reminded again. May both of us do better as we pursue our futures, with style, all the time, on purpose.

Welcome back to the latest episode in the quest for the Great Mouse. Our intrepid hunters have not spotted the Great Mouse for a while but have again detected her here in the heart of the city. Since their last encounter, the hunters have upgraded their weapons and moved on to the next generation technology. Please join me as we observe the quest and learn if the Great Mouse finally falls to her pursuers.

Most of the time, experts and not so expert advice givers Are quick to tell us what to do, what to think and what to feel about most anything and sometimes most everything. They like to call it being proactive. I must admit to occasionally giving into the temptation to join in with the experts and would be experts. There is something particularly satisfying about telling people what they should do, what they should think or how they should be.

I think that most successful people have mastered this proactive approach to life and living. I also suspect they have equally mastered judgment and discretion. They know when to pass, when to hold back, when to sit this one out. Let's see if we can figure out how this plays out.

What not to say?

Don't say the first thing that comes to mind, what spews out before you have thought about what you are going to say. Don't put your mouth in gear before your brain has had a chance to manage what comes out. …

What not to do?

Don't do anything quickly that you can't undo quickly, unless you believe that not doing it right now will lead to things getting worse immediately. Don't do something that might make things worse until you know what you will do if worse happens.

What not to feel?

Don't let what you feel drive what you do. Don't do anything just because you feel like doing it unless the potential outcomes only apply to you. Even then, first consider not doing it.

What not to write:

Don't write anything if you won't be okay with its being read by your best friend, your mother and your boss, and some day by your grandchild. Don't write it if you wouldn't be okay with its being published, remembering that publishing is forever.

What not to expect:

Don't expect that things will always turn out the way you expect them to turn out. Don't expect that anyone will be okay with your mistakes and poor judgment.

What not to be:

Don't be rude, abrasive or unpleasant. Don't be a jerk or the person others prefer not knowing, who they would rather not have attend their birthday party.

What not to forget:

Don't forget that people don't have to spend time with you, don't have to hang in there with you. Don't forget that you and only you are responsible for what you do, what you say and how you behave.

What not to remember:

Don't remember every little slight, every time someone was insensitive or inconsiderate. Don't remember the missteps and shortcomings of others unless you hold yourself to an even higher standard. If you do, don't expect to have any close friends.

What not to worry about:

Don't worry about things over which you have no control. Don't worry about the inevitable; just start making plans.

What not to bother with:

Don't bother with an excuse or try to come up with a convoluted justification when the fact is that you didn't plan well enough, didn't try hard enough or didn't follow up and follow through. Don't bother with an explanation when what you really need to do is apologize. If an explanation is wanted, it will be requested.

What not to touch:

Don't touch the hot stove, wet paint or the window your mother just polished. Don't touch the emotional pain points of people who are weaker or more vulnerable than you. You do recall that being an insensitive jerk should definitely be on your don't do list, don't you?

What not to wish for:

Don't wish for failure or troubled times for others. Don't wish things will get worse for someone else; but rather wish for better times for yourself and then get busy working on it.

What not to think:

Don't think people are stupid who disagree with you.

There is a rather simple fact of life that is all too easy to overlook. Each of us – Yes, all of us – has needs, problems and vulnerabilities that exceed our individual capacity to cope. As smart as we are, as wise as we are, as capable as we are, going it alone just doesn’t cut it. We can’t survive by ourselves.

Friends and family are essential. Companions and community are essential. Resources and opportunities are essential. Yes, even bureaucrats, politicians and government are essential. It takes the whole package to make it work; and if any element is absent, our jeopardy increases.

We are entering the biannual moment when elections and politics take center stage in our collective consciousness. Whether or not we want to give them our attention, they will demand it, will force themselves on us. It will quickly be impossible to get through the day without being messaged, without being told that our vote counts and just who they think should get to count it. …

In the United States, we find ourselves in a representative democracy. That means that, for the most part, we don’t get to vote for what we want. Rather, we only get to vote for people who may or may not focus their political time and energy on assuring what we want. They may do what we want them to do, may do our bidding, may serve our interests. Then again, they may not.

I am wondering how it might work if instead of voting for someone who only might do what I want done, I could vote directly for what I want, what I think would be best for me, my neighborhood, my community, my county, my state, my country. In my alternative reality, I can simply point and say, “Fix that, change this, just make it happen,” and happen it does.

What will I pick from this political buffet? Let me share with you the items I want on the menu and we can then choose together. I am quite hungry for the changes for which I hope but will see it as great progress if any one of my political menu choices gets serious and sustained attention anytime soon.

• The misuse and abuse of alcohol, drugs and similar substances.

• Domestic violence within families and trusting relationships.

• Child maltreatment including neglect, abuse and adult indifference.

• The continuum from inadequate and unsafe housing to homelessness.

• Inadequate and ineffective education for many children and teens.

• Neighborhood and community crime and violence.

• Employment where a day’s work won’t secure sufficient food, housing and security.

• Hunger and malnutrition.

• Inadequate physical and mental health care.

• Unhealthy physical, emotional and social environments.

• Dangerous and unsafe streets and neighborhoods.

What have I put on my menu that you don’t want on yours? What do you want on your menu that I have not included on mine? Does it seem likely that we will be able to agree on a few items that we both want, that we both believe should be priorities? I’m definitely open to cleaner lakes and rivers, safer roads and bridges, less poverty and more prosperity, less division and more equality, more inclusion and less rejection, more doors and fewer walls.

I also worry about our not being able to compromise and negotiate, about our different perspectives and disagreements, and those times when the gap between my wants and yours tempt us to dig in and consider not working together, not working out our differences. I fear that one of us will be so rigidly opposed to the wants and priorities of the other that we refuse to participate. It’s like one of us refuses to dine together if ice cream is left off the menu, while the other one demands pickles, or no one eats.

It would be as silly as it sounds were it not for the current political real...

Mr. President, there are a plethora of promises made. Let me remind you of a few. Listeners can then judge whether promises made have turned into promises kept.

Mr. President, I have just again listened to your victory speech from 2016 from the night you learned that you were the President-elect. You said some very hopeful things in that speech and let us know that you had great plans for our country. You said a couple of things that I think need revisited. You seemed to have promised more than you are delivering, more than you seem to have any intention to deliver. Maybe its just too much to expect, but I think you and I should chat about it.

 

Okay, I know that’s not going to happen. You are way too busy to have little chats with retired liberals in Ohio. Since I’m not likely to be able to share my concerns with you, I am sharing them with listeners to Personal Point Of View (PPOV). If you happen to have a few minutes to listen, just press play and we can pick that bone together.

Chapter 11 Building an US box

The key to building an US box is remembering that the relationship is not repairable, and that it is not going to serve as the foundation for the new relationship. To do this, it is important to help the individuals see that the “us” in their relationship is and will be only part of their individual worlds. Husbands and wives, for example, sometimes act and feel as if their entire world is shattered when their relationship stops working. The same thing can sometimes be seen when parents or children discover a bad relationship. In part, the reason for thinking that the world is coming to an end is that people tend to wait too long—far too long—before they accept the fact that the old relationship has “gone to pot” and will not work anymore. Compounding the problem is the fact that people tend to do some rather strange things when they see that the old relationship is no longer functioning. Married people sometimes decide to have another child. Teenagers decide that being physically closer might help. Friends quit speaking to each other, and so on, including those typical coping patterns discussed in Chapter 10.

As you work with people in conflicted and crisis relationships, it is important to help them maintain focus on the goal of building a new relationship, while avoiding the trap of trying to repair the old one. The focus is on building a new US box. It is important to see that the goal is not to change the individuals, building either a new ME box or a new YOU box. They simply need to focus their attention on building a new US box. They say to you, “But we will both have to change.” No. That notion should be put under the heading of “an old wives’ tale.” The old adage says that when a relationship goes bad, both people will have to change. This is not only silly but also quite unlikely. As individuals, people usually do not change very much, and then only grudgingly because they feel they have to. They may behave a little differently. They may slightly modify some of their habits, reactions, demands, expectations, and so on. But they are, nevertheless, the same people—relatively unchanged, but growing. It is not unusual, after a crisis experience, to talk with people who indicate that things are much better, their new relationships are more satisfying, but they are the same as they have always been. “I don’t feel any different. I am the same as I always was. It’s the new relationship that’s different. That’s what makes the difference.” …

Individuals who are involved in the process of building a new US box must agree that, as individuals, they are each all right. They will not, and do not really want to, change each other. They only want to build a new US box. If either individual is unable to accept the fact that the ME box and the YOU box in the relationship are all right, we and they are wasting our efforts in trying to build a new US box. Recall that the building process adds bits to the relationship. If one of the builders thinks that the other one is not all right, he will add many bad bits to the US box about the other person. As these bad bits accumulate, the new US box will begin to deteriorate. Similarly, if either individual has been forced to make substantial changes or life adjustments, he or she will gradually resent the pressure and use of force. Bad bits related to this resentment will begin to slip into the US box, causing it to go bad. To begin an US box, both people must agree.

1. I am all right the way I am.

2. You are all right the way you are.

3. We are going to build an ongoing, ongrowing US box that is acceptable to both of us.

As you work with people involved in conflicted or crisis relationship, if it becomes apparent that they will not agree to these three basic rules of US box building,