The Fully Expressed Podcast

Full Transcript0:00
Welcome to the fully expressed podcast with Karenna.
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This is a space where we get to talk about different topics that truly invite us into our fullest expression in life, relationships and business.
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Today, we get to listen to the second live panel interview that we did at the podcast launch party for those that didn’t know we did do a podcast lunch party back in October.
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And it went so beautifully well and I’m so grateful that I get the opportunity to share with you the live interviews that we did there.
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Everyone really walked away with such powerful takeaways.
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The engagement was amazing.
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I got such amazing feedback and this next guest that I interviewed, her name is Luci.
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Lampe.
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Luci and I met about a year ago when I was really exploring what it meant to just further explore myself sexually thinking about hiring a sex and relationship coach her and I truly hit it off.
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And so she also lives here in California, in San, near, near San Diego, California and I invited her to come on to the event and this is one juicy conversation.
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I mean, Lucy freaking brought it to the day.
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So please let me introduce you to Luci and here we go.
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So I’m so excited to introduce you guys to Luci Lampe.
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Is that how I say last name Lampe?
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Got it right.
1:30
Ok.
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Because the way that I met Luci, so about a year ago to this day, I did a wild feminine embodiment shoot at blacks to really kind of capture my embodiment.
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And it was probably the most magical thing.
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You should reach out.
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Megan, reach out to Megan, but Megan is best friends with Lucy and I was talking to Megan about how I’m really thinking about, you know, searching into more sex courses, intimacy, creating deeper relationships, working with a sex and trauma form coach.
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And so that’s how I met Luci.
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I’m going to let her introduce herself, but I got on the phone with Luci and immediately within a minute, I felt like it was so easy to talk to you.
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I found out that Luci is also Peruvian.
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So if you guys don’t know, I’m Peruvian and so she is Peruvian.
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And so we just like, really vibed on that.
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And I walked away from that being like, oh, I’m going to work with you someday.
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Just because of how you met me on the call and how safe you were on the call and also just how playful and real and honest you are.
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And if you’ve ever seen her social media content with her and her husband, they literally embody that at their home.
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And so she has really been such an inspiration to me.
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And so I invited her today to be here.
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And so thank you for saying, yes, thank you.
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Do you want to introduce yourself to me?
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Sure.
2:56
It’s funny because in the introduction, in the one group and they in the little number one group, I was like, yeah, I think we met on a discovery call for something about a course.
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But no, it was me.
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It was, it was Megan.
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I mean, we did have a discovery call but Megan was one.
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She was, she was the link.
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Oh my God.
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I fucking love Megan.
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Oh, great.
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She’s in Mexico right now.
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Anyways, side conversation.
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Yeah.
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So I’m Luci Lampe and I actually, I live up in Carlsbad but I am from Peru and I moved over to the States when I was really young.
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Been in California about 11 years and I live in just, you know, up, up up the street with my husband Ryan.
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We’ve been married almost 17 years in less than two months.
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Yeah.
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And then we have four kids, ages seven through almost 16.
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So busy full, full life.
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But yeah, a lot of the work that I do has to do with that wild feminine embodiment and really reclaiming all these parts of ourselves.
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You know, our inner slut, our inner witch, our inner medicine woman our inner crazy bitch like all these things that we tend to kind of distill you know what I’m talking about?
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He’s like all the, all the men in relationships are like, oh what the fuck you’re talking about?
4:10
Yeah, I am the biggest crazy bitch.
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I know, ok, my husband, we’ve been through it and we got married in college.
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We were 20 so you know, we didn’t know jack shit about trauma and attachment styles and all, all of our stuff.
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So we got to navigate all of that while being parents while trying to make life work.
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Yeah.
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So a big catalyst for us that, that I tend to touch on a lot is when Ryan who is a veteran and he was an avid surfer, he’s very athletic.
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He’s just anything he does.
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He’s fully and 100% obsessive including me, which is how he got me.
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So, and he had this mysterious pain in his body and it was in his nervous system and nobody could figure it out.
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So for about 2.5 years, I was pregnant with our fourth child.
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and we had one baby and then two in school and he started to have all of this pain and it wasn’t going away.
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It was, it was just getting worse.
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So for about 2.5 years, he was disabled from doing a lot of the things that he was used to doing.
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He couldn’t even bend over and change a diaper most of the time.
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And he got really depressed.
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So that was a big catalyst, like a big wake up call for me.
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I had just relied on him outsourced, you know, I didn’t know it at the time.
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My happiness, my pleasure, my joy, my peace to him because he was that rock that could hold it until he wasn’t and he couldn’t.
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And I developed an autoimmune disorder during that time too at the end of that pregnancy, which lasted another year.
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So it was, that was my hell, I’m like, this is insanity.
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Nothing is changing.
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Nothing is getting better.
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And that was a big wake up call.
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So that sent me on this trajectory to just look outside of what I thought was permissible in the particular faith that I had grown up in.
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And it led to, you know, getting into my getting into more kink, getting into my witchy practices and to self pleasure practices.
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I pole dance, I sell dildos, fuck like, you know, just all these things that I do now that sucks coach.
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But it goes so much deeper than that.
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It’s really reclaiming the fullness of who we are as human beings and especially as women and that it just snowballed into this beautiful thing that we have now.
6:26
Yeah.
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Wasn’t that great.
6:28
So I’d love for you to share, how was it?
6:30
I guess going from focusing on your husband to focusing on you.
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What did that transition look like?
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Oh OK.
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So you know that whole attitude of like, I don’t need no, man.
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Yeah, I had that but like I was married, it was really awkward.
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I’m like, I hate that I need you.
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So I’m going to not need you and I’m going to be very independent and I got everything and I was already the working parent and so he anyway, it was just it was a lot, it was, it was, it was a wild learning curve to figure out how to identify who I am outside of just my relationship.
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And while not being the cold distant bitch that I often wanted to be of like, well, that’s you problem, that’s your feelings, that’s your trauma.
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But it was really a practice like when you guys talk about repetition.
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Yeah, you, you put in the reps, you, you have a conflict and you realize, oh I wasn’t kind.
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I was, I was just really mean.
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What, what would it look like for me to be more of an embodiment of love and compassion and truth but like big t truth from the soul, not the little tea from my little wounded, scared ego.
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That’s like, so there was just a lot of that from both ends and a lot of navigating the messiness of just healing.
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You know, it was a Yeah.
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And, and we, we’ve learned some things along the way that I get to teach now that helps.
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Like what, so for example, holding space, right?
8:00
Have you ever heard about holding space?
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Yeah.
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Anybody know?
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OK.
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Yeah.
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So, so what that does and doesn’t actually look like in a way that serves the union, not just what serves a sense of peace because what I would see Ryan do and what I see a lot of what I hear from a lot of men is that they’re like, I’m supposed to be this emotionless stoic, immovable tree and she gets to lose her shit and go crazy and I’m not supposed to feel things.
8:29
No, no, bro.
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Like it doesn’t serve anybody for you to be emotionless because then she doesn’t feel your heart.
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So it’s, it’s just the subtle dance or not so subtle sometimes of really revealing our hearts without getting lost in the illusions of all of our fear.
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You know.
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So that’s one big thing.
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I know it’s not logistically a step by step thing.
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And so I mean, you talk to so much of that, it’s like also inviting the man because I feel like as women, there can be this like you’re emotional, you have so much going on.
9:02
You always have a lot to say you’re always talking about everything like blah, blah, blah.
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I mean, yes we are and I mean, to be someone that didn’t learn to express that stuff, I mean, like, yes, we do get to be more expressive.
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Yes, we are very connected.
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But how is it to receive your husband in actually expressing himself actually being with the emotions because I love that in my relationship where we get to meet each other the entire way.
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But I’m so curious how was it for you when he started to actually express himself, actually meet you and in his own expression, how did that look like?
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Well, Ryan’s always been very express and he’s a cancer.
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So I’m a cap.
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I mean, we both we meet in our Scorpioness if anybody is from Yeah.
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So that’s, that’s what you see on my social media.
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They’re like, oh, this makes sense.
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But he was the one that taught me how to really feel.
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So he, I was just very closed off a massive abandonment wound, you know, just I can’t let you in too much or what if you break my heart or you die?
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You know, that was my biggest spirit.
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When we first got married, he’s going to die because he would do all these crazy shit.
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And it’s, you know, when he started to be able to express his emotions, his heart and I could, and I started to be able to just receive it and witness it without trying to fix it because when I was so deeply uncomfortable with my own feelings, I couldn’t handle looking at his.
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And a lot of times it’s flip flopped, you know, in relationships with a man and a woman, but it was so uncomfortable.
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I’m like, let me fix it.
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Let me just make you what can I do to make you feel better?
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And he’s like, I just want you to be with me.
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Damn it.
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And I’m like, why can’t you just be with me?
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So, again, that was part of the messy bits.
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But again, practice repetition, learning how to really speak from this Deep Wisdom center.
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This grounded rooted wisdom in our hearts instead of this flighty like, but I’m so scared.
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What if you do?
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What if I get hurt in this?
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And when we started to be able to communicate from that space and really see each other that changed the way that we, it became less about the mechanics of how we’re communicating and more about meeting hearts like being in it and just doing it.
11:12
Yeah, you did talk a little I can totally relate to like, I mean, I’ve definitely done better about this in my relationships.
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But past relationships, the minute that there was anything wrong, they opened up vulnerably, they told me that they needed something I went straight to fixing and I was like, I need to fix, I need to do this.
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What can I do?
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Do you want to go to therapy?
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Do you want to do this?
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Da da da, da da da.
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And then they’re like me.
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It.
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Yeah.
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And then they become projects or they become like, then it just took me away from what actually they wanted.
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And I’ve also experienced that with myself.
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When people try to fix me, I completely distant myself completely.
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But the minute that someone hears me and hold space for me and not try and change whatever I’m going through, I feel so much more seen and the actual emotions of whatever I’m going through has an opportunity to transmute itself completely dissolve.
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Like instead of me trying to, if I, if so, unless I ask you, hey, I want ideas or I want to be fixed or like help me fix this.
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But let that come from me versus you thinking that that’s what I need, which is a pattern that we can fall into.
12:19
Oh Yeah, totally.
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You know, I know this isn’t the, the juicy conversation but that creates space for the juicy stuff.
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Yeah, I’m telling you’re like that.
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So let’s chat.
12:28
Yeah, totally.
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I mean, I feel like you need this in order to have the juicy stuff.
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So like, how do you rest and how do you bring this into the bedroom?
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How do you start to talk about sex?
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So a lot of like conversations that I have with friendships and people in my community and just clients.
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Like, how do I ask for what I need?
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Like, what do I ask for what I desire?
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And I think me as a woman when it came to being intimate with my partner.
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I never even thought that.
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Like, I always thought it was about the man in the bedroom personally, you know, and I was like, never thought about like, oh, I can ask for what I want or I want it to feel good for me too.
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And so navigating that and getting into a place of being safe to say I want this.
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I feel safe doing this.
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I like that.
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I don’t like that.
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Like, how does someone even get there and how can they start that conversation?
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Well, of course, the foundation for it all is, is feeling that safety and trust and connection and reciprocal respect and reference, you know, all those things at the baseline of the relationship.
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What I see a lot is that let’s just in a typical dynamic of a man and a woman, right?
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He wants her full acceptance and yet is afraid to reveal the parts of himself that she might reject.
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And that’s that dark masculine essence that she’s really craving, but it integrated, not like in serving my own desires kind of way, but she wants to know the fullness of him and and might still scare her.
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I’m not going to lie.
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But then she wants his full devotion and to feel chosen in all of this.
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But then if she rejects him, he doesn’t want to choose her.
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You know, like why the fuck are we doing this?
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So it’s, it’s such a delicate, intricate kind of dance and what happens in the bedroom is just often a reflection of what’s happening in the relationship.
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So if there’s a lack of playfulness and eroticism and just like I see you and I’m with you and I’m present with all the textures of the energy that’s alive right now.
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And I’m just waiting until we can fuck later.
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Like there’s no, there’s no like that, that sexual tension and that aliveness.
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So when people see my page, they have this assumption like you guys must have so much sex.
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I’m like, yeah, like you guys must always be fucking like, you know what we are, we, we are just like sexually vibrant so we can be out picking up the kids from school and we’re hugging and we’re just all over each other and that’s not normal, you know, so I can, I can see why people would think that but it’s just this erotic aliveness and that, that creates that space for when sex actually unfolds or we get into the kinky things or whatever that is.
15:02
Then we have, we have this connection established that isn’t start and stop, that doesn’t start 10 minutes before he sticks it in, you know.
15:11
Yeah.
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So it sounds like it’s every day a part of your lives alive.
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It’s a way of life.
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It’s really the connection, the aliveness that is living in your relationship and within ourselves and within ourselves.
15:23
Like us really reclaiming our pleasure which is why the self pleasure practice was an absolutely the most powerful part of my, how has connect, I’m going to bring it up a little bit.
15:32
But how is connecting to the liveness which is probably like your sexual energy, your life source and all that also just influence the rest of your life.
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Or how can it can it not?
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I know is about creativity just being in the flow.
15:46
I was talking with Ryan about this last night.
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How when someone asked me, how do you bring more pleasure into your business?
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How do you bring more flow?
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I’m like, how do you not?
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I’ve just been not in that space for so long that I take for granted that when I’m in the space of creating, I’m making art, I’m receiving a message and I’m just a conduit of it.
16:05
You know, I’m not in the disillusion that if I post every day, I’m going to make X amount of dollars, it’s not up to me.
16:10
It’s, I’m very surrendered to the universe and the flow.
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And I learned how to do that through my pleasure.
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Practice of just opening myself to receiving.
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I don’t know what’s going to be happening with my body that day.
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I can’t predict that or control that, but we make it a practice of being deeply present with what’s there and just opening ourselves to the possibility of something even more juicy.
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Yeah.
16:32
All right.
16:32
Raise your hand if you are thinking about 2024 or you’re starting to set goals, you’re starting to review the year, you’re starting to see what you really want of next year.
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And I find this year, so this time of the year so interesting because I’ve definitely been the one that was like, I have to set my goals every single end of the year.
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I’m gonna get on track with my workouts and I’m gonna do this and I’m gonna do that.
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And I put so much pressure on myself and then come basically the second week of January, everything would fall through the cracks.
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And you know what I have found to be my secret sauce to truly manifesting and embodying what I want to manifest is not, is, is truly in reflecting on the last couple year on the last year.
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It is setting intentions.
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So I’m not a big fan of goal setting.
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That’s a four whole different conversation.
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Goals lead to expectations, expectations lead to disappointment and that ends up leaving a lot of pressure on ourselves.
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So I am here for intentions.
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I love the structure of intentions.
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I love how it sets us up.
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But there has to be a feeling that you want to feel in 2024.
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And that’s truly what I love to lean into.
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And it has changed the game for me every single year, every single year.
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I am constantly embodying and taking steps towards the woman that I want to become, I am attracting opportunities that are so in line for me, I’m also evolving and looks like for me to live a life fully express in my career in my personal life and so on, just by getting really curious and clear on what it I want to feel like, you know, what do I want to, who do I want to feel like when for all the things that I want to manifest?
18:08
Absolute game changer, I will do a podcast episode on this.
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But what I am currently offering you right now as we transition from 2023 into 2024 this is going to be available all of December and all of January.
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I am gonna be offering 30 minute strategy sessions for individuals.
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So if you’re looking to strategize and get really clear on what you want 2024 to look like, feel like be like the sessions for you.
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It’s gonna be for $88 and I’m also offering couple sessions.
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So really the opportunity for you as individuals to get really aligned on what your own desires are.
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But what does that look like in partnership?
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What does it look like to the actual relationship?
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And that is going to be a 16 minute session available for $222.
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So 222 and you can dm me at I am Kenna Soto and ask me more details about it that is only going to be available for December and January.
19:15
So if you are interested on getting support, please message me, I’m really not offering coaching containers anymore.
19:21
And I got so much feedback on how many people are gonna be really offering my missing my container.
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So this is such a rare experience and I wanted to let you know about it.
19:31
So please please please send me ad m if you’re interested and we can talk through it.
19:36
So dropping you back into the episode and enjoy.
19:40
So I want to talk about that.
19:41
How can you know, I feel like there’s always these itches.
19:45
It’s like, oh, I want to do this in the bedroom or I want to be open to this, like what comes from, what can we do to lean into that?
19:53
And then also like, why would someone want to do that?
19:55
You know, I feel like it can get scary to let you try new suit and try new things.
19:59
Yeah.
19:59
So if we start to be more sexually and openly expressed in the bedroom, like more fully expressed and start to let into our illness and lean into things, like I didn’t know I’d ever like that, but I like that.
20:09
That can be scary.
20:10
How can someone navigate that fear of like, will I be too much, will it not be accepted?
20:16
Will it not be wanted?
20:17
I think it’s a matter of just diving into it and see sometimes I’ve been surprised at how much capacity Ryan has had for my just bigness, you know, and, and for me to assume that this is going to be too much and sometimes he’s not in a place to fully meet that.
20:36
And that’s ok too.
20:37
It’s ok too, you know, and, but, but I have been very harsh in those moments, especially in the early parts of our journey of like, why don’t you want me?
20:45
You know, why are you rejecting me?
20:47
And so really, it’s a practice of being vulnerable and and there is no vulnerability without the possibility of being rejected.
20:55
And you can also always fine tune things together and just say, OK, last season we were really into, you know, the, this one particular kink or you wanted to get tied up all the time and now it’s just not my jam now.
21:06
I just want you to, I’m not going to say it.
21:08
But yeah, it sounds like there’s an ebb and flow like stuck either.
21:14
That’s always fluid, fluid like there has to only look like it’s alive and that doesn’t mean this has to be the thing.
21:21
Now.
21:22
I just, I had a flash of a text I sent Ryan right before as I pulled in, I was like, do this when I get home.
21:28
Is there anything else that you feel called to share with everyone here?
21:33
You know, the most recurrent theme lately and all this crazy energetic stuff happened cosmically is to inquire deeper into what is the part of a part, just a part.
21:45
The next part that I have been resisting really feeling into like, who is she or she, who is that?
21:53
And recognizing that the more that we can just look face to face at the parts of ourselves that we’re like, this is too much or too weird or it’s ick or it’s cringe and connect with it and call it home.
22:04
We become more fully expressed.
22:08
Yeah, that was so good.
22:09
Thank you.

About Luci:

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Full Transcript0:00
Welcome to the Fully Expressed podcast with Karenna.
0:02
This is where we invite you into your fully expression.
0:07
I truly believe that we all have an opportunity to live our lives, fully expressed, to find relationships where we feel like we can be safe enough to fully express our most authentic selves and create a career in a business that aligns with our full expression and what that actually looks like for this week.
0:26
I am so glad and so happy that we are able to do this.
0:30
So about a month ago, back in October, we had a podcast launch party in person in Encinitas, California.
0:38
So for those that know, that’s in San Diego, California, where I invited my community here and had live interview panels with amazing speakers and guest speakers.
0:49
And today you get to listen to the very first panel that we had.
0:54
This panel was so special to me because I invited two of my best friends onto the panel to share their story about what it was like to be fully honest and transparent, very early on in the relationship and when we’re dating or in the early stages of relationship, you know, there can be this dance between.
1:15
How honest am I?
1:16
How messy do I get?
1:18
What parts of me do I show with them?
1:20
What parts of me do I not show with them?
1:23
And what it actually looks like to navigate those hard conversations and I think they did a beautiful job.
1:30
The conversation went so seamlessly, so be excited to tune in.
1:34
You get to listen to this live episode just about now.
1:38
So now we’re going to do a panel.
1:40
again, for those that don’t know me, I think I didn’t say my name earlier, but my name is Karenna Soto.
1:44
I am the podcast host for the Fully Expressed podcast today.
1:49
We are going to do a live panel action with some of my greatest friends and really the goal for the pain.
1:56
I already mentioned this.
1:57
But the intention for the panel is really to talk about how to deepen really authentic relationships through communication, honesty and safety.
2:05
We get to start with Rochelle and Quentin.
2:08
So first off, thank you both for being here with me.
2:13
You guys both mean so much to me and Quentin.
2:16
It’s been so nice to get to know you so much more.
2:18
In the last has been a year already, almost almost a year since you guys started dating your love, I think is such a beautiful representation of what’s possible.
2:29
And also the depths that you guys went to super early on in your relationship I think is super admirable, which is the reason why I’ve invited them here.
2:39
, I’ll dive into that but I want to ask you guys both to introduce yourselves to everyone.
2:43
Awesome.
2:44
I’ll go first.
2:45
, my name is Rochelle and I live here in San Diego originally from Seattle and I work full time at Amazon as a recruiter and then I’m also a breath works facilitator and Karenna’s best friend.
2:59
One of them, she’s my girlfriend too.
3:02
Starting off really well.
3:04
They don’t know each other at all.
3:06
They’re putting this on for just today.
3:08
They act really good just today.
3:10
Right.
3:10
Yeah, my name is Quentin.
3:11
I also go by Q.
3:12
It’s a little easier.
3:14
So I am a men’s coach.
3:16
I also support a lot of athletes with their transition beyond sports, but I specialize in focusing on helping men embody more confidence.
3:25
I say from the boardroom to the bedroom, so we’ll be talking a little bit about the bedroom and, and intimacy and how ultimately emotional intelligence is a catalyst for deeper depth in all walks of life.
3:35
So that’s me live in Laia.
3:39
Happy to be here.
3:40
Thanks so much.
3:42
So, yeah, what I was saying is like what I’ve loved about your guys’ relationships and like the reason why I invited you guys both here, I think from a lot of conversations that I’ve had with friendships and clients and just people that I meet you know, there’s always this, like, how all in do I go at the beginning of like, day, day?
3:57
You know, you meet someone new and you’re like, how open do I be?
4:00
How vulnerable do I be?
4:01
How much do I say?
4:02
How much do I let them into?
4:03
And how much do I not?
4:04
And I think you guys really navigated that really beautifully and went really deep really quickly in the most beautiful way.
4:12
And you guys also tackled a lot of like, hard things like early on in your relationship.
4:17
And I would love for you guys to share what was that like, starting off, like open and deep and vulnerable and how great it was and also how scary it was at the same time.
4:29
Yeah.
4:30
I think for me, I was really working on myself for a while before I met Quentin and was intentionally like, not dating and I really wanted to like, heal a lot within myself so that I could show up differently.
4:48
Because I was like, ok, all my past relationships are not working out the way that I want to.
4:54
And I’m not a victim to that.
4:56
Like you co create with your partner and like, how can I show up better so that I can also attract the, the right partner for me and going into the relationship.
5:08
Like that was my intention was to be very open, very fully expressed, but it wasn’t easy at all.
5:17
No, it’s scary.
5:19
It’s like you have that intention but then when shit comes to the surface it’s like re Yeah.
5:26
Yeah.
5:26
It’s like that was her body position too.
5:29
I mean, that’s what it feels like when you’re sharing vulnerable things and putting it out there and shit comes up, you go like this.
5:34
It’s like, yeah.
5:36
Yeah.
5:36
And I think that Quentin was very helpful in that for me.
5:42
because, you know, I’m, I’m not perfect like that was my intention.
5:46
But there were moments where I was like, just wanted to shut down, my scared little girl was showing up and she just invited me into that.
5:55
So well, I was like, hey, wait, wait, wait, like let’s talk about this.
5:59
And like one thing that really stood out for me when we started dating was Quentin told me like, you’re never going to be wrong for anything you’re experiencing.
6:09
And I was like, wait, but like, are you sure?
6:12
It’s like I just had never been with someone like him before that was open to all of it necessary for me to talk about what it’s like to open up so early for me.
6:25
It’s always been a nonnegotiable, you know, to put my heart out there.
6:30
So I feel like it just came second nature, I suppose.
6:33
And I think it also helps we might at a breath work about similar to this one where you kind of know you’re getting a little bit on the same page, like someone’s done a little bit of work, like, you know, both of us have and, but the work’s always continuing and the beautiful thing about relationship is that it’s a platform to do more work.
6:50
It’s just like I say, like sports is a great, you know, proving ground to like, develop yourself as a human being.
6:56
Relationships are the same.
6:58
I mean, so I think it was, it was definitely scary because, but I think we got a lot done in a short amount of time.
7:03
We talked about that.
7:04
Like we got it all on the table, you know, for, for a little bit of context.
7:08
I was relatively fresh out of a, a long term relationship and to jump back into a co a relationship right away to not feel aligned for me and a lot of me had a hard time finding the words for that.
7:20
You know, I know a lot of guys can be, relate, relate to this that are here.
7:24
Like sometimes you, you feel something but you can’t really put the words on it, you know, until you’re maybe dealing them or you just try a few things and throw them out there and see how they land so it can be messy.
7:34
And I think that’s the biggest thing is that we were both willing to be messy.
7:37
We both didn’t expect ourselves to be perfect and we were willing to try some things out, you know.
7:43
So can I ask like, how did it feel?
7:47
I mean, I know Rachel has shared like, you, you would shut down or like close up or not want to lean in and not to be openly expressed?
7:54
Because obviously we all have trauma, right?
7:56
We all have past experiences.
7:58
Our bodies are constantly kind of like scanning the room is like, do I feel safe?
8:02
Do I not feel safe?
8:03
But when you felt her kind of shut down or like not feel safe to open up and be vulnerable with you and meet you in the conversation?
8:10
How did that feel?
8:11
And like, how did you navigate that?
8:13
All right, ladies, if you are listening in, this is for you.
8:17
If you have a friend or family member that is female that is looking for community that is looking at this path of growth and wanting to evolve as a human being, please listen in.
8:31
So I wanna share with you the fully expressed community.
8:34
If you haven’t heard about it, you need to hear about it and you’re hearing about it today and I’d love for you to check it out.
8:40
The fully expressed community is for women supporting women.
8:44
We have created a community where you can connect with other women that are also on this path of growth that are interested and curious about what else is available to them.
8:53
They want to see themselves living a life, they express in their lives and their relationships and their business.
8:59
They bring their fully authentic self into all areas of their life.
9:04
So they can actually attract a life and relationships and careers and business that is so aligned to them because they are living a life fully expressed in the fully expressed community.
9:15
We meet online every single second Wednesday of every single month at 5:30 p.m. PST and also have access to a Slack channel where I drop resources where we share information we talk about the community, we create community.
9:30
You also get access to not only the guest coaches that have been on this podcast, but also guest coaches that I have kept waiting to show you what they have to share with you when it comes to their teachings and their practitioners.
9:42
And they’re only gonna listen from me, but you’re also gonna learn from these amazing human beings that are available to you out there and here to share their gifts with you so that you can live a life fully expressed.
9:52
The fully expressed is only $27 a month.
9:56
And if you leave a review on this podcast, I will actually give to you one month to come join us for free in the fully expressed community to actually experience what it means to be in this community and these women.
10:10
So if you go leave a review for me, I’ll go do that.
10:13
You could also find more information in the show notes about the fully expressed community and I hope to see you there next month, the next second Wednesday that is available to you to be surrounded by other women that just freaking get it, that just get what you’re going through.
10:28
I’ll see you there.
10:30
Talk about scary.
10:31
That’s actually scary for me.
10:33
Yeah.
10:33
And she’s scared and she’s shutting down and there were moments where I remember we were sitting on the couch together and something came out, we were talking about something around commitment and like, what the next step looks like and where are we, where are we going?
10:45
What does this look like?
10:45
And immediately she started kind of shutting down.
10:49
You wanted to leave?
10:50
And I was like, I don’t want you to leave like I don’t, I don’t want you just to leave here.
10:54
That doesn’t feel right for me.
10:55
It doesn’t feel clean.
10:57
I want to talk about whatever’s going on, whatever’s having you feel the urge to leave because, you know, most people here probably understand fight flight or freeze, you know, we all have a different mechanism we use or attachment theories and that sort of thing.
11:09
So, you know, when I, I send someone leaving, I’m like, wait, wait, wait, wait, you know.
11:14
So so just to highlight, I mean, she got triggered and you got triggered.
11:18
Exactly.
11:18
So for anyone that’s in a relationship, that’s what happens, you know.
11:24
Yeah.
11:24
How was that for you.
11:25
Yeah, I mean, it was, it’s just hard when you’re in those moments of, like you say, you want me to open up.
11:33
But I just, my body doesn’t want to when you’re not used to experiencing it.
11:39
So I think for me it was just constantly going through situations like that and like, really asking myself to open up and knowing that it was going to be safe because I’ve just had so many experiences where it was not at all.
11:56
So, yeah.
11:57
Yeah.
11:58
And so it sounded like you were constantly being like, ok, I’m safe, like reminding yourself like I’m safe in this moment I can open up and like bring yourself back.
12:05
Were there ever moments where like qu shut down or like Quentin didn’t like where your moments came up and Rochelle was open or where you were working through harder things that Quentin was going through.
12:14
I think it, it looks different for everybody.
12:16
That’s why I want to highlight.
12:17
Yeah.
12:17
You know, like I run away in different ways, you know, self sabotage start thinking about like, oh, what else could there be?
12:26
You know, what else is out is out there?
12:28
Like do I even need this?
12:29
Is this necessary?
12:30
Right?
12:30
Is this commitment like something I really want to give my heart to?
12:34
Right?
12:34
So there’s that self sabotage internally where you just start thinking like, ok, you know.
12:39
Right.
12:39
But I, I guess it’s, it’s a form of shutdown for me or trigger.
12:43
It’s used, it, it can sometimes be getting defensive, which I know a lot of guys that I work with struggle with, it’s like I just had a client text me the other day.
12:51
He’s like, you know, what’s it mean when my wife’s, you know, bring something up to my attention like that.
12:57
I, that could have been better and I immediately get defensive and I, like, you know, say like it wasn’t me or it wasn’t my fault or it was, it’s your fault.
13:06
I’m like, well, there’s a party that’s protecting something.
13:09
I, I asked you, I asked him like, what are you protecting?
13:12
Like, why, why get defensive if you have nothing to protect?
13:15
Right?
13:15
And for me, it’s usually like there’s something deeper down that’s like, actually true about whatever he said, right?
13:22
And so that’s really my work to do, right?
13:24
To look at myself and really it’s realize what’s triggering me.
13:27
But beyond that, if I can actually separate myself from the situation,, like I said, with Rochelle and like she mentioned, like, your experience is always cool, you know, it’s valid, it’s, it’s necessary and I want you to speak that and open up about it, but I’m also not gonna take it on, you know, like it’s mine and that’s really hard to do.
13:46
I was just talking about this with her the other day.
13:48
Like I feel like I’m actually kind of good with compart compartmentalizing.
13:52
And I think that’s one thing that a lot of guys do really well and can actually be pretty helpful in situations like that because it’s really easy to want to get my ego stuck in what’s going on, right?
14:04
Or say I’m to blame for this.
14:05
I’m the reason she’s running away.
14:08
And that’s the hardest part when someone’s, like, really expressed and you’re feeling that they’re hurt, right?
14:12
Like, if you hear someone on the other side, like when Nick and I are going through stuff too, like if he’s openly talking about something that’s coming up for him, how do I hold space for that and not take it personally and that I think is such an important tool and skill set because unless you do that, you get caught up in the mud, you know, then you get caught up in the mess and it’s like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we’re both not feeling safe here right now.
14:36
And how do I create that safety?
14:38
And so I want to put that back to you guys.
14:40
Like what helped you guys create more safety to be able to navigate that repetition, repetition.
14:46
So like a lot of, a lot of reps.
14:48
Yeah.
14:49
So like being scared over and over and over again.
14:53
So like doing the thing.
14:55
Yeah, for sure.
14:56
And yeah, I think it’s to touch on what you were talking about before.
15:01
It’s that constantly reminding ourselves that we’re bouncing back and forth of holding space for each other.
15:08
And I think that one thing that we were talking about the other night was how sometimes, like I will express something to him and he will get frustrated and I think that that’s at me, but he’s just frustrated at the situation.
15:25
And more recent, this is kind of like the most raw stuff.
15:28
It’s like present you guys are getting light into their release.
15:31
I think we’ve, we’ve realized that we’re both very similar that we can sometimes take things a little personally, you know.
15:37
Like we think that if there’s silence in the room, then someone’s mad at me, you know, like, and we’ve been navigating that a lot.
15:46
It’s funny, we feel like two ships in the night sometimes where, like, we both think the other person’s mad at us because we think it’s about us, but we’re both thinking the same thing and we’re both wrong and I think it’s just a lack of really deep communication at the end of the day.
16:03
And it’s like if we were to actually sit and like, talk it through, we would realize that.
16:08
But sometimes, you know, life gets crazy and it gets busy and you’re like, doing all these things and you’re like, ok, like you’re good, I’m good, but like, you’re not actually good.
16:18
Yeah.
16:21
So, you know, you guys have talked a lot about leaning in but like, how, what ends up transforming or coming through after having the hard conversations after leaning in like what does your relationship receive and what do each of you receive with each other?
16:34
Really good sex and, and, and I just feel like you feel so deeply connected.
16:44
Yes.
16:45
Yes.
16:45
Yeah.
16:46
And it’s just more layers like you just get deeper, deeper and deeper.
16:52
And good way to describe it.
16:57
It’s just the, the more we pull up, the more we’re able to essentially heal together and work through together.
17:04
And I think by showing each other our vulnerable parts, we’re showing our hearts, right?
17:10
We’re, we’re showing we’re unmasking, we’re, and we’re taking down that wall that we all have.
17:16
You know, I’m always gonna have a piece, pieces of wall, right?
17:20
It’s just a matter of unlearning and dismantling as we go along.
17:24
So, is it fair to like we all want to be seen and loved in relationships?
17:28
We want this depth like juicy yummy relationship, but there’s all these things that you have to work through to get there, right?
17:35
Like go through the hardness.
17:36
They have the hard conversations, like hold space for each other, show your heart over and over and over again and find spaces to be held in that, be seen in that, be heard in that.
17:47
Like there’s so many times I think that happens in communication is that we’re communicating, we’re expressing ourselves and that we don’t feel hurt or the other person heard something else.
17:56
So like really learning how to get there.
17:57
But it ends up sounding like it creates such a beautiful connection between the two of you.
18:02
You guys feel more like one versus further apart, even though in the middle of the conflict or in the middle of the hard conversations, you might feel far away but you guys get 10 times closer together.
18:13
Is that fair?
18:14
Totally.
18:14
I mean, I always say like it feels like I’m dying sometimes in the, in the mid of being, I literally feel like I’m going to die and then I come out the other side.
18:24
I was like, why did I feel like that?
18:26
Because now I feel so at ease and so connected and it’s so worth it and you guys are so drawn to each other.
18:33
Oh Yeah, that’s why I said after these intense moments, the connection together after is like insane.
18:41
I’m like, why do we have to fight these hard conversations because they always lead to the best that Yeah.
18:47
Yeah.
18:48
Yeah.
18:49
Yeah.
18:49
And I truly believe that.
18:51
I mean, that’s all a lot of like what I’m trying to like share with people is like, how to navigate hard conversations, how to lean on that because there’s so much connection and conflict that we miss out on by just avoiding it by not wanting to lean into the hard conversations by not knowing how to hold a hard conversation.
19:08
But there’s so much juiciness when you learn the skills and 12, like it takes each of you doing the work that you guys have talked to, right?
19:15
Like knowing how to hold space for your own parts, then you can hold space for your partner’s parts.
19:20
And those are the types of things that one, I wish we learned in college like that would be useful.
19:26
But like, I’m so grateful for you guys actually sharing that with all of us today.
19:32
It’s a beautiful ride as a nation and I love that you guys are not only you guys started off your relationship like that, but it has been a skill that you guys constantly work on every single day in your relationships like you guys did.
19:43
I don’t know.
19:43
What was it like a week ago, a week and a half ago?
19:45
I don’t know.
19:45
And now it’s you on vacation?
19:47
Yeah.
19:48
So we did that.
19:50
Yeah, that’s true.
19:51
We help for them.
19:52
Yeah.
19:53
And we talk through all the hard stuff all the time and it’s so beautiful to witness your relationship and how it was blossom.
20:00
And I love honestly the fact that you guys set up such a beautiful foundation at the beginning of the relationship.
20:05
And that’s kind of what I keep telling anyone that’s like single because I’m like, start early.
20:09
I think it gets a lot harder when you’re like years into your relationships or years into your marriage because you evolve as a human.
20:15
But if you can start early, like you guys did in this situation and this opportunity now you guys are just repurposing that as you guys continue to evolve as human beings.
20:25
So, thank you.
20:26
Thank you.
20:27
All right.
20:27
Thank you so much for tuning into that.
20:30
I hope you found that conversation as helpful as I did.
20:33
As helpful as the other people in the room listened to it.
20:35
It was really, really great to hear Quintin’s and Rochelle’s honest and vulnerability throughout it, the challenges and as well as how they just truly found deeper connection by leaning into these kinds of conversations.
20:50
If you found this conversation helpful, if you think of anyone that would love to listen to this, please share this with them and stay tuned for the next week’s episode because the next panel will be with a special guest or we get to talk all about sex and intimacy and what it means to really welcome both the feminine and the masculine energy and expression and relationship and how communication really, really is really important to that.
21:18
So, looking forward to hearing next week.
21:20
Thank you so much.

Connect with Quentin and Rochelle:

Full Transcript00:00 – Speaker 1
Welcome to the Fully Expressed podcast with Karenna. This is where we talk about all the things that can invite us into living a life fully expressed, so thank you so much for being here Today. We get a little solo episode with me, which I’m really excited about. Today’s conversation. I’m really, or I’m really looking forward to today’s conversation with you, just because there’s there’s so much importance in finding our fullest expression through our voice, through using our words, through sharing our opinions, to talking and sharing your perspective and so much more, because, when it comes to our voices, when it comes to our words, there’s no one that has a voice like you. There’s no one that says the things that you say. No one, not everyone, is thinking the things that you’re thinking, and so it’s so important for us to lean into using our voice. And so, if you have ever struggled to just share your opinion, have hard conversations, share your perspectives, saying no, and what does that look like? Like, actually saying like this is all about your voice. If you’ve ever struggled with that, or maybe you’ve gotten to the point of like, what’s the point of sharing my voice if nothing’s going to change? What’s the point if I say something and it ends up creating conflict or we end up getting in a fight, or no one understands why I’m saying it, or maybe you’re in this place of like. Well, if I say what’s on my mind, like, people might judge me, people might think of me differently, and I think what’s important about just understanding that is because if you are living in that space that is just sharing and showing you that you are up against your fears, you’re being held back by the parts of you that want to protect yourself, the parts of you that want to keep you safe. And before I dive into the different reasons of why it’s important to say your voice, I think it’s necessary to also realize that by not sharing your voice, by not using your words, by not speaking for yourself, by not saying no, you are completely leaving so many parts of you behind.
02:26
So I would love to tell you a little bit of story of what that actually means. You know, when I first started this work, I didn’t really think that my voice was going to be one of the biggest catalysts for a lot of my feeling, and so when I started this, I was like, oh, okay, but like what I realize now is that if you knew me when I was younger and you asked my parents like what was kind of like when she was little, they would probably tell you that I was super sweet, super kind, super easygoing, I barely even screamed. Okay, you guys, there’s one story that my mom tells all the time and she talks about how she just drove a little bit crazy and by the time we got to the grocery store I would be in the backseat, completely on my side, and she wasn’t necessarily unsafe or anything. But it was just funny how like I did not even cry, I didn’t make a peep, I was just on my side, just hanging out there, and that same concept or idea or vision that, if you’re thinking, is kind of the same way that I showed up in all areas of my life. So, like things that quote unquote could have made me uncomfortable or things that could have hurt me, I just stuffed it, I didn’t say anything or didn’t react to it. So I was very, very just, consistent. I was very neutral and I also thought that staying neutral was what kept me safe. It’s the one thing that if I kept things neutral, if I kept things consistently, if I just agreed with everyone’s opinions or I just supported every single little thing in every way, that everything will be great, I would be lovable.
04:05
And what I realized throughout this healing journey and truly wanting to step into learning to use my voice in many different ways and just sharing my opinions, I have found that my voice and the way that I express myself is actually the key to owning who I am, loving who I am attracting friendships and opportunities and community and relationships that are aligned with me, and my voice is a huge advocate. My voice has not only created such a sense of me owning who I am, so truly stepping into me, loving every part of me. It has also been this beautiful way to release the shame from a lot of the different parts within me. And so what does that actually mean? You know, if you haven’t heard of the book, I think she does this so well. What is it? I’m blanking there’s this really? Oh, say it out loud. It’s the book. And I’m blanking on the author’s name. She’s absolutely amazing. I think her name’s Kumar, and the book actually talks so much about saying it out loud, saying whatever your mind is on out loud. And I loved it. And I found the book right before I started this podcast, because I was lucky for some kind of inspiration to step into using my voice a little bit more and what I learned from the book that everything that I have ever experienced was true. It was very validating in my own experience and owning my voice.
05:36
And the biggest thing that came from that book that I think a lot of people need to hear is like when you start to talk about your feelings and your thoughts out loud, you release a lot of shame around what you’re feeling or what you’re thinking, and I think that translates so much into when we’re using our words and conversations and communication and keeping people there like especially the hard stuff. When you’re saying really hard things, it allows us to just let it be what is and being what is. That’s when you can really just release such an attachment. But when we stuff it or stuff anything down our opinions, our perspectives, our truth, our thoughts, how we think about things like one that by putting it out there, there is a sense of relief that you get because you’re not suffocating these thoughts, you’re not suffocating these parts of you.
06:33
But when you’re not speaking your truth, when you’re not being honest about what’s coming up for you, you’re suffocating parts of you. They literally feel like they’re trying to come up above water and say something, but you end up just putting more water on them and drowning them, and then they’re going to keep fighting to come back up. It’s almost like they want to say something, but they just keep getting stuff down, and so the force to come through just keeps getting stronger and stronger and stronger, and the energy that it takes to truly stuff these parts of you, your voice, your opinion, your words down is actually more exhausting than actually just saying it. Which is interesting, right? Because when we talk about using your voice, we talk about starting to do things.
07:22
One of the very first stages that you’ll go through is facing a ton of uncomfortability, facing a lot of unsafety, facing a lot of fear that comes up for you, and you can actually feel that in your throat, in your chest, in your belly. When you talk about it somatically, you can feel parts of you come up, the anxiety starts stirring, you start to overthink things. I don’t want to say it. I don’t say it. Maybe some of you just associate in those moments, and so one of the very first stages that you’ll go through when you start to truly own your voice and want to step into this is that, and the way that I like to think about it is like in those moments, it’s your body trying to keep you safe. This is your ego trying to keep you safe. This is where the parts of you want to manage your experience and keep you from truly owning that part of you or bringing that part of you to light.
08:14
All right, my love, I’m jumping in here real quick to tell you about the fully expressed community, because the women that are in this group are phenomenal, and if you’re listening to this and you’re a lady, a female, or know someone that is female, or a lady that is on this path of growth and wanting to continue to evolve as a human being and find their fullest authentic expression in their relationships, in their life, in their business, in relationships, and want to be surrounded by a community of women that are dedicated to doing the work themselves, I want you in this community, I want to invite you into this community. I really think that being surrounded by other women that are on the same path that just get you, that just totally understand where you’re coming from or where you’re going or where you want to go and wherever that path is, and create such a safe space for you to be held in. That and encouraged in. That is so important for our healing. If you find yourself feeling an ounce or a sprinkle of anxiety or overwhelmed or just uneasiness with the thought of being in a group container, about talking about very vulnerable things, I just want to encourage you and remind you that I totally understand, I totally get it. It can be edgy, it can be scary to open yourself in that way, but in doing so you end up creating so much more healing. I’ve had some of the biggest breakthroughs being in containers that can hold me and being surrounded by other women that are also on this path, because I feel like I’m seen and understood, and so I truly want to invite you into giving it a chance. I’m also offering one month free if you leave a review of the podcast and you will get access to the next second Wednesday to join us. So go ahead and leave a review and I will send you the invitation to see you so you can actually get a taste of what it feels like to be within the community.
10:06
Again, come join us in the Monthly Express community, where you only don’t hear from myself, and get teachings and somatic practices and meditations and guiding and network nervous system regulation. But you also get to learn from renowned practitioners, healers, coaches, etc. That are doing the thing in this world and they have gifts to share with you about what is available to you and you get to take that and crack the code for yourself and how that applies to your life and how that applies to your relationships and how that applies to your business and your brand, your career, etc. Because for all of us women, I really do envision a world not only for the betterment of ourselves, of why we live on this earth, but as well as our community, as our collective, as the human being, a human population, really bringing an opening arms to the woman that is slowly expressed, that is living in her power, that is so confident and bold and as well as such in her feminine and vulnerable and soft and open to creating that space. And so here we’re going to be surrounded by other women that want that and that create that and that, this burning desire to be on that path. So come join us, leave a review of what I’m doing for the next one, for free, and I hope to see you there.
11:24
And so when you step into actually like saying the thing, you are going to face a lot of uncomfortability, but since that uncomfortability is new to you, since uncomfortability is something on the other side that you’ve never experienced before, it can seem a lot scarier, it can seem a lot worse, but you know, our systems and our egos do such a great job of keeping you in the same place, even if it’s painful, even if it’s different, because at least it’s something that you know. And so when you’re stepping into something new, like starting to use your voice, like starting to say something, you are going to face these moments and these parts of you that are scared to step into that because you’ve never done that before. And so just keep that in mind and the other stages that can come to and I’ll probably talk about this more in a different episode, but after speaking, because you expressed it there will be an initial relief. Possibly, you know, like, oh, I finally said it. And on the other side of that, you could experience a ton of things. I’m not gonna say that people are gonna always respond well, because they may not. To be honest, you could receive a lot of safety and understanding and openness from how you’re saying things. I get that.
12:50
And then the next stage that you’ll go into, you might end up having a lot of second thoughts and it almost feels like an emotional hangover, like you’re kind of retelling the story in your head, like how you said things, what you said, and what does that actually look like? And you’re spinning and you’re spiraling because you just said the thing that you haven’t said in a long time and you’re like, well, should I have said that? Oh, but the truth is that’s just a part of the process, and that’s just a part of the process is trying to protect you from like oh, maybe if you shouldn’t have said that, then I’m telling you that you shouldn’t have said that and that’s just your ego speaking. And so I’m just letting you know this, because as you step into using your voice, you will start to face these different parts of yourself. And then the fourth is the stage of practicing reassurance, like loving the different parts of you, reminding yourself that you’re safe.
13:38
There is this sense of you’ve got you in this process, and the goal is to go through these four different stages over and practicing them over and over again so your system knows how to start using your voice, why you wanna start using your voice and when it comes to why I really wanna lean into, like, why the fuck would I start using my voice? Right, it’s like I’ve been doing a good crana, like things are really great, and some of the questions that I’ve gotten by working with different clients is like well, what if I share this and it isn’t received? Well, or what if I say this and they lash out at me? Or what if I say this and it’s not true? Or what if I say this and they leave me? Or what if I say this and they decide to change their opinion of me or their view of me?
14:36
And I wanna say I get that, I truly get that. I understand what that feels like I truly do. And I would propose the question of are you doing this for that, or are you doing this for you? And to some sense, I will share how this is really helpful for the other person. But who is this for and why are you doing that? And I just wanna you think about like how many days, how many weeks, how many years have you hepped from saying what’s on your mind, sharing your opinion, being honest about how you feel, how long have you been doing that. And just take a second for a moment and imagine, if that was your daughter, your son, a little girl at school, that every time that she wanted to speak up, you told her it wasn’t okay, that it wasn’t safe and that she should stay silent. That is exactly what we are doing when we tell parts of ourselves to not speak up, to shove it down, to shut up, to be like no, that’s not true, and we ignore it. Can you imagine what that little girl or that little boy or that little human would feel in moments of shutdown over and over and over again? Like what? It’s crazy to even think about it that way, but it’s true and that’s what we do to the different parts of ourselves that feel this way and that aren’t getting the opportunity to express themselves.
16:03
And so some of the reasons why it is important to express yourself, and so some of the reasons why it’s an and to express yourself with using your voice, is one contributing to different conversations, contributing to discussions. When you share your voice, you share your opinion, you share your perspective. You start to bring different perspective than ideas to the table, which can honestly lead to new creative conversations and so much better understanding within a group, so you can leverage this in the workspace. You can leverage this in just groups and areas that are looking for different ideas, and the truth is not everyone is seeing it through the different lens, but that’s the secret sauce. That’s why it’s important for you to share your thoughts and opinions and perspectives when you are talking about an idea, or talking about how to solve a problem, or just talking about a specific topic, because someone might not think of it the same way that you think of it and the way that you think of it could honestly contribute to so much better understanding on that topic.
17:14
The second one really builds this deeper connection with the people that you are in your life. Expressing yourself authentically helps others understand you better, foster deeper connections and genuine relationships, because by you expressing yourself and being honest, they get to know the real you, they get to trust that they know you Versus, like I shared earlier today, earlier on this episode, that like I was super neutral for so long and in those moments like yeah, I kept the pee use and I didn’t get a conflict, but like, where was my sauce? Where was my spice? Where was the salt in? Like the saltiness? Right, it’s like, do you like? Would you rather show a bland and have a bland meal or have something that’s tasteful? And when you start to express yourself, you become tasty in connections. You become something that people want to look forward to and crave, because they get the better you, because they experience your authentic self and it helps others like truly understand who that is for you and in doing that, you will truly attract the people that like the taste of you, the flavor of your authentic self and how you are.
18:31
The third is empowerment. So you end up receiving so much confidence by just authentically expressing yourself, by just using your voice and voicing your opinions, asserting your beliefs, and by doing that you know that you end up. You end up going through this cycle of wow, I shared my opinion, I receive good feedback. And you’ll start to receive feedback or acceptance or understanding in the right rooms, right in the rooms where, by using your voice, you attract this and you get more confident in your beliefs, more confident in your opinions. Now, if you’re in this place where you don’t feel confident about your opinions, you don’t feel confident about your perspectives, talk about that, share that, that, because I’m sure others can resonate with that too, which goes back to building this really deep connection with others, because you’re relatable, right like at the end of the day, like by saying the things that you go through, you do end up attracting other people that are going through the same thing.
19:35
And you know, vulnerability is one of the catalysts to connections, and when you are vulnerable and you are honest about what’s coming up for you, other people can feel you, other people can understand you, other people can relate to you because maybe on some level they’ve gone through a similar situation or they felt similar emotions or have had similar thoughts. But you won’t know unless you start saying it out loud. And the more practice that you get at saying it out loud, the more empowered you feel, the more incompetent that you’ll feel. And what comes from this too, right like when I go back to what I was saying earlier, we end up leaving lots of parts of ours behind. By practicing using your voice, by practicing what’s sharing on your mind, by voicing what’s truly true, you create this level of inner respect is what I call it. So then, the fifth one, or the fourth one, is inner respect, because the parts of you now can trust you as the person, that you have their back, that you can create safety for them to express themselves, that you can respect their opinions and allow them to be here, and that inner respect creates a lot of inner trust in yourself. When you step into voicing these parts of you that you haven’t put voices, that you haven’t spoken, and when you create inner respect for yourself this, like respect for yourself, other people, in return tarts, start to respect you too.
21:11
And then the next one is integration. So by giving the different parts of you the opportunity to voice themselves, to express themselves, you’re giving all these different parts of you the opportunity to integrate into your life, into who you are, which is all the different parts of you that are in this world. Are all these different parts of you internally that, instead of fighting against each other, it’s like how do they all get to work together, how do they get to all be here? And so that’s the, that’s the. That’s the one that I think is also really important is like when you keep these parts of you, or your voice and your opinions and everything behind you, just try to shuffle them or try to think that they’re not worthy enough to be spoken of, then they never get to actually fully integrate into, like, into the creativity of you, into who you’re meant to be in this world, who you get to be in this world, and so it’s really important that you lean into the you can integrate.
22:10
And one of the last ones that came up for me in preparing for this episode and that I think would be really helpful to share is, like there will be a less resentment and frustration in your relationships if you start saying what you want, if you start saying no, if you start communicating what’s truly going on, because you give the other person in that relationship that’s relating to you an opportunity to truly know what you want and need. I think so often like especially if you’re someone that doesn’t like to use your voice or doesn’t like to speak there’s this sense of assumption that people know exactly what we need and want in those moments. And there are some people that have an art out there that truly know how to be with you and be in different moments of things, and maybe you feel like they read your mind because they’re the same, but, let’s say, like 90 to 95% of the time, people don’t always know what you need, what kind of support you need, or what you’re really going through or what you’re really thinking. They can assume, and, if anything, I think assumptions end up creating a so much more disconnect because you think that’s that and they’re bouncing off a completely different idea. So just imagine if you actually used your voice, if you actually took the opportunity to share what was on your mind, there would be so much more or less resentment because you would be met in conversation, you would be met in community, you would be met in your friendships and your relationships. There would be this sense of like wow, you hear me, you see me, you love me. This is awesome, and it truly is such a beautiful space to be in. And so the last thing that I wanna share when it comes to saying your voice, using your voice, is that, as you lean into it and you realize the importance of using your voice, you do find how powerful your voice is, not just in the words, but in the opportunity to communicate in ways that weren’t probably available to you because you weren’t really leaning in, and so I really wanna encourage you to start using your voice, start practicing what it actually looks like.
24:26
Some people just struggle with using their voice and talking out loud in their home and their car and their mirror, and some I’ve even heard some people say how much they don’t like their voice. That was something that I went through too. I would listen to my voice on a recording and I was like I don’t like the way that sounds or I don’t like the way that I said, that I could have said it better, or things like that, and I would find myself judging my own voice, not even the things and even the things that I was saying. I just wanna remind you that you won’t get to a place of loving your voice or expressing yourself in this way unless you practice it. I get so many questions about like well, how do you know what it’s gonna look like?
25:06
And the truth is, if someone hasn’t told you this, you don’t know what you’re gonna experience until you experience it. There can be a lot of guessing and assumptions and ideas about what it looks like to express yourself or what could potentially happen, and you could think positively or negatively, but you truly don’t know what you’re gonna experience unless you start practicing it. You have to live an experience in order to know, and so I hope that gives you a sense of encouragement and motivation to freaking experience it, because after experiencing it, then you can start to solidify your thoughts around expressing yourself, make adjustments, see what’s available to you. The only thing that I ask is that, as you start to lean into using your voice, as you start to express yourself, that you realize that give yourself some grace, because there’s gonna be some gray area that you haven’t fully stepped into yet. You don’t really know what it’s gonna happen, and it’s okay that you don’t know. You don’t have the path forward.
26:07
You don’t have to have all the answers about, like, if this goes this way or that goes that way, or how do I respond to someone in this way? And First get yourself to the first step and just start using your voice. If someone says like what do you want for dinner tonight? And they’re like I want a dahlion, and you’re like, oh, I really don’t want a dahlion, you’re like I really want American and I want a burger, say like I really want a burger. Or the next time that someone is sharing their opinion and you’re thinking about your opinion, just be like you know, what really comes up for me is XYZ.
26:43
And the next time someone asks you how you’re doing, be honest about how you’re doing and like, instead of just saying I’m good or I’m fine or things are great, like. Be honest, like what’s truly on your mind when someone says, like, how are you doing? It could be easy to get to these automatic responses because that’s what we’ve done our whole lives. But try being honest in that and then start to take note of what it feels like in your body when you are honest with the different parts of yourselves as well as when you start to face the hard things. When you start to face saying harder things, what does that actually look like in your body and which topics specifically make your body feel uncomfortable or anxious or you know things like that, and start to take note about that.
27:24
But this is really one of the first steps to finding your voice. You got to use it. If you want to have a voice, if you want to feel expressed, if you want to find relationships that admire you for you and value your opinion and encourage your voice and encourage the way that you think about things and encourage your process, you got to start using your voice. You got to start doing it and that’s going to put you in rooms that feel really good to you, really really good for you, and you start to create such a deep connection because there’s truth there truly is truth, and so, with that being said, if you do end up taking a leap, I would love to hear about it.
28:10
Just send me a note on Instagram at the Fully Express podcast. Just send me a DM. I would love to hear what it looked like for you and if you want some help or assistance on how to actually say something or how what the delivery can look like like maybe you have a hard conversation coming up with your boss, or you have a hard conversation coming up with your partner, or maybe you’re just feeling uncomfortable with a friendship I would love to support you in the DMs If I do get a lot of good feedback. I’ve been dabbling with offering this on my personal brand page I am Karina Soto. On Instagram, once a week I haven’t decided what days maybe they’re going to be on Wednesdays, where I drop my box and you guys can drop any kind of hard conversations that you’re preparing for, and I will give you feedback on how you can deliver it in a way that is supportive to you and also the person that’s receiving it, because I think that’s also going to be very helpful in actually teaching you how to navigate the conversation and how to say the things that you could say, and let me know if that would be interesting to you to shoot me a DM, because I would love to do that.
29:20
And I’m really excited because I hope that you take this podcast knowing that your voice matters. That’s what I want to leave you with is that your voice matters. The way that you say things is so important, and we need more people sharing their opinions or perspectives and just owning their most authentic self in it, expressing it through their voice and using their voices, because I’m tired of seeing people leave parts of them behind. I believe that the more of us that bring ourselves forward, that step into their truth is going to create much healthier relationship dynamics, and I’m not saying it’s going to be easy to get there, but I do know it’s worth it. So thank you so much for listening to today’s episode, what I’m stoked about and what to look forward to for the rest of the month.
30:09
If you didn’t get a chance to come to the launch party for this podcast back in October, all of the live interviews are going to be dropping in December, so make sure you look out for those. The interviews are so epic. We’re going to dive more into communication and why honesty and why safety and communication are just so important in relationships, and so please make sure to keep your ears out for those and then go ahead and share this with anyone that you think has been kind of stuck in this place, of not really communicating or not really sharing their truth or not fully expressing themselves, or you just you guys maybe talked about this. I would love to get this episode in their hands and then, obviously, let me know what you think about it in the reviews, and I’m sending you with so much love as you go into the holidays and I will tune in next week. Bye ya.

Full Transcript0:00
Welcome to the fully expressed podcast with Karenna.
0:03
I am really excited for today’s conversation because this conversation has been dear to my heart for such a long time.
0:11
And I didn’t realize to be honest that it was going to mean so much to me until someone gave me the permission to be able to step into what we’re going to be talking about today.
0:21
I have Sophie Kessner with me on the line and for anyone that’s listening, you know, Sophie and I met in the Phoenix Path with Jessica Benstock.
0:32
She also did the certification with me and I got to just fully embrace all of Sophie throughout that.
0:40
And it was such, I, what I loved about she’s listening.
0:43
Of course, what I loved about my time with you Sophie.
0:46
There was like, I feel like you taught me such a different part to the healing because I feel like we went through different things in that journey, which gave me so much light and understanding to your process.
0:57
So I just want to say thank you so much for sharing throughout that.
1:00
And then ever since I met Sophie at the Phoenix Path and just a simple conversations, like you are just hacked with information and intelligence and experience and that’s what it comes down to like business, which is why I really like was drawn to you and all that you’re doing within your online business and really wanted to work with you in that way.
1:22
And this beautiful human also has a huge background in somatics and somatic experiencing and being trauma informed, diversity and equity like inclusion, like literally like you just have so much to offer.
1:37
And so I feel like the conversation today is, is going to be so informational packed with really juicy takeaways.
1:45
And so with that being said, hi, Sophie, you did a great job trying to, I was like, how do I get everything that she does because you do it all.
1:56
It feels like you have so much to share with this world.
1:59
So thank you for coming on here.
2:01
Yeah, I appreciate the invite.
2:02
I’m excited to excited to dive into all things and I’m sorry.
2:06
And on top of that, you’re a mom like you do in life, you have a little little nugget running around.
2:12
So if you really, you really have all a lot of experience that I continue to admire and inspire.
2:19
So thank you.
2:20
Can you share a little bit about yourself?
2:22
So this is, I guess you would call like my nerve divergency in the sense that I’ve got many things that I do.
2:29
The the best way to sum it up is I have multiple businesses and interests.
2:34
I’ve always been somebody who really loves numbers and really loves data and information.
2:40
But I also am somebody who’s incredibly deep and emotional.
2:44
And as you can imagine those things don’t always play hand in hand.
2:48
So I got into the industry in 2015 and had pretty high rating on the ace the adverse childhood experience score.
2:57
And from that decided I wanted to get into like personal development and went to university to study psychology to get my degree and a personal, not personal development, excuse me.
3:07
And what was it called?
3:08
Not lt but one of those fields, essentially, I wanted to become a therapist.
3:12
And then I got into the coaching industry and very quickly, no longer needed to be in school, no longer needed to pursue licensure because I had a full practice in the coaching space that very quickly turned into business and marketing.
3:28
Because what I found when I was working with folks on mindset and identity and beliefs was that you can have one part of the puzzle.
3:36
But if you don’t have the proper systems and structure in your business, then nothing really works.
3:42
And I had a fun oscillation between many different seasons and phases throughout my career in the last 89 years and found myself in the last three years diving really deep into diversity equity inclusion work.
3:59
And this essentially anti racism being somebody who is biracial.
4:02
It was something that really struck home in 2020 amidst all of the incidents that happened during that time.
4:09
And it was something that was really, really big and eye opening in, in business to start to see it actually come to light in business because we’ll get into the sticks that kind of over, overlies with, with the trauma work I didn’t realize until 2020 how much I had been assimilating to fit into an environment of whiteness, which is the coaching industry to be successful in that space.
4:35
And how much that had impacted me in my sense of knowing who I was my roots, my family, my culture.
4:41
And in 2020 it was a huge wake up call for me when I actually had my son because I was forced to go from being this hyper independent super successful boss babe Instagram marketer to having Children like completely on family.
5:00
And it was a very, very humbling experience.
5:02
Last 3.5 years have been humbling.
5:05
And in that, that was a big part of what actually forced me into the trauma work is I had so much that came out from the birth from what’s going on in the world.
5:14
And all of these things that I started to recognize were never actually processed properly.
5:21
And so I went into a three year program with the trauma healing Somatic Experiencing Institute.
5:27
I got trained in that and now certified it as an sep or somatic experiencing practitioner.
5:33
Yeah.
5:33
Woo hoo.
5:34
And oh, built out an agency on the side because, you know, it’s fun and really developed all of the, the systems on the frameworks because what I found in, in kind of like in the beginning of my career was ok.
5:46
Well, mindset systems need to be there.
5:49
And I feel like I’ve kind of gone from an undergrad in those two realms to my phd in those two realms to where now it’s like, oh, I understand systems and automation and structure and all of these pieces where I could have never possibly fathomed or imagined back then.
6:05
And it’s beautiful how they work together.
6:07
But obviously, there’s, there’s a lot of layers intricacy to that.
6:10
So I’m sure we’ll get into all of it.
6:12
Yeah.
6:13
Wow.
6:13
There’s just so much there.
6:16
But blood where, which, which string white pool because there is so much for you to share.
6:22
And like, I think that’s so for anyone that knows.
6:24
I mean, a little bit about if you don’t want to talk a little bit about what se I does or what se I the program is because that’s a deep three year program that you through of like quarterly.
6:34
I think it is where you guys meet quarterly and you guys are going deep into the work every single quarter.
6:41
Yeah.
6:42
So the program that we met in was a trauma informed training it was a six month program.
6:48
Se I is a three year long trauma trained training.
6:54
And essentially the difference between the two is to become trauma informed, means that you are aware and able to track and notice when somebody is moving into different states of arousal within their system and help support regulation.
7:07
You’re working with it, but you’re not working on it.
7:10
And that’s a really key distinction.
7:12
Whereas when you get into work like se or somatic experiencing, you’re training for three years working directly on the trauma.
7:23
So when you’re thinking about trauma informed practitioners, usually trauma informed practitioners, ideally, they’re staying in their lane are not working on trauma, but they’re aware that the clients in any other industry that they’re working in, whether it’s health or wellness or yoga or business, they’re, they’re aware that their clients have trauma and when stuff comes up, they can help regulate them and get them back on track in the scope of practice.
7:49
Whereas with se I, you’re doing in that, in, in that, in that scope of practice is you’re learning both the psychosomatic science behind what actually is going on in the system at a much deeper level.
8:06
And all of the mentors that I’ve had from, from the institute all continue to say, you know, it take, it takes 10 years before you actually start to really understand se and I’m about 3.5 going into four years in, at this point and I feel like I’m just scraping the surface of everything that’s in there because it is such a delicate practice in how we combine, not just the, the psychology of what’s going on with folks or the physiology of what’s going on with folks, but really starting to, to see and understand all of the different layers.
8:42
And we’ll probably get into a lot of this, of how pieces are showing up in the here and now and how we actually start to unravel and create space and capacity to navigate.
8:55
And what is the word, discharge some of that energy to start to free up more space, more, more aliveness, more vitality within the person.
9:04
So hopefully, that’s a helpful summary.
9:07
No, that was super helpful.
9:09
And I think it’s just important to identify.
9:10
So like I can definitely attest to like I am trauma informed and it has given me a new lens to look through with working with clients, right?
9:18
Like I can see what’s going on, I can say, oh, this person is having quote unquote experience and I could help you regulate and come down and I’m going directly into the trauma and dealing with and working through and processing that.
9:32
Like that is not my area of expertise that takes a whole another level.
9:35
And so I can totally confirm, I guess from the other side of the room of like what that actually means and what that feels like and I think, you know, for today, like what I really, really want to dive into, especially when it comes to trauma and how to navigate trauma is really talking about how to process anger and rage.
9:57
And you know, I the reason I mean, you were talking about this on your Instagram stories and I reached out to you.
10:03
So I was like, I really want to have this juicy conversation.
10:05
I knew that like inviting you on was going to take it to a whole another level.
10:09
But like from my own experience, when it comes to like anger and rage, like my entire life was this like peaceful, sweet, easygoing child.
10:19
Like if you ask my parents, like that’s how they’ll describe me.
10:22
I think for the most, I think most of my life, I was disassociated and like, but there were so many parts of me that were stubborn that were bratty and I felt bad about them being there.
10:32
But I never a lot.
10:33
And I think a lot of the reasons why that stubbornness or that brats or the lack of expression that I had in my system held a lot of anger and frustration and rage and I didn’t realize it.
10:47
But as I started to kind of unravel that for myself, I realized that I put on this like label of anger is bad.
10:56
Rage is bad.
10:57
Frustration is bad.
10:59
I’m not allowed to feel that I’m not allowed to show that I don’t know how to bring that up, you know, or how to process that.
11:04
And then the minute that I started to welcome it and actually express it, oh my gosh, I just felt like 10 times lighter.
11:12
I mean, obviously expressing it in a very healthy container and I learned the tools which we’re going to talk about.
11:16
I’m not taking it out on people and yelling at people, but that would happen when I would suppress it, right?
11:22
So when I would suppress it, then it would turn into like, oh, Kara is so quiet, she doesn’t ever cause conflict.
11:28
And all of a sudden I would bark and yell and get so mad because there was all this suppressed anger and frustration that I wasn’t allowing myself to process or to be with.
11:40
But most of the times because I was thought it was bad.
11:43
And so I would love to hear what was that process for you if you’re open to sharing if you’ve ever done that?
11:49
But then also how can someone step into and what’s going on when anger is happening?
11:54
You know what is going on when you’re feeling frustrated?
11:57
So I’ll, we could do a whole podcast on, on the episodes about all I know I learned a lot.
12:03
I get that.
12:06
Yeah.
12:07
Yeah.
12:07
Let’s, let’s lay down some ground work.
12:10
OK.
12:11
So where do we want to start with this?
12:14
Let’s just start with identifying the different ways that this can show up and, and how it can be brought up in a different type of systems.
12:24
So if we look at early developmental theory and, and think about like early developmental childhood and, and just trauma in general and, and we get into the intricacies of that around ages 2 to 3 is when and this is the age my son is right now.
12:40
So I’m in the thick of it is when we start to develop a sense of autonomy, a sense of power.
12:46
Now, our family dynamics and our upbringing during that time plays a really big role in how we relate to power and control and outward expression of asserting ourselves and setting boundaries and having those boundaries either be respected or not.
13:05
And depending on, on what is going on in your environment.
13:08
At the early age, we develop AAA way of responding to our environment based off of what we’re being faced with.
13:18
And you know, I’m just gonna invite y’all as you’re listening to this and you’re noticing any activation coming up.
13:23
If you’re starting to feel anything, just kind of wiggle the feet a little bit, wiggle the toes, we’re gonna get into some sensitive stuff.
13:29
So I just wanna make sure at any point any of this is starting to feel like it’s a little much, take a break, pause and go on a walk or go outside or go connect with somebody and then come back.
13:39
But if we’re looking at early developmental pieces, there are a few different types of extremes, right?
13:43
When we think about abuse or neglect, we typically think about extreme ends of that.
13:48
And we think, well, I don’t have trauma.
13:49
My parents never hit me, they never yelled at me.
13:52
There was never any like sexual molestation or anything of that sort we don’t realize is there’s a whole level of neglect in the absence of something.
14:04
And a lot of the times we don’t identify this as potentially traumatic for the system and we have to start to uncover is how do, how does that show up for me?
14:15
This is the history that I’m working with and how am I responding?
14:17
And why am I responding the way that I am?
14:19
Especially if you grew up in an environment where there was the absence of a parent, there was an absence of love, there was an absence of affection, there was an absence of emotional expression you adapt to that to survive in that environment, right?
14:36
That is the the genius of our beautiful in the systems is that we are constantly learning how to adapt and, and we are adjusting and so we learn how to survive in the environment in which we’re raised in.
14:52
And if part of that learning was well, we don’t say anything, we don’t talk about our feelings.
14:57
We don’t do these specific things.
14:59
When I get angry, I get ignored, I don’t get love love gets taken away or we learn to withhold and bring that in.
15:06
Additionally, we can see it in ways in which we feel like you have really, really big emotions.
15:13
And you know, the too muchness comes with this one sometimes when we have caretakers who don’t have the emotional capacity to support us as Children as toddlers.
15:22
And so we don’t learn how to self regulate.
15:24
We don’t learn how to be supported by somebody because we’re told to go to our room, we’re told to stop crying, we’re told to stop tantruming and we’re forced to sit there in this explosive state without really having containment or proper support to come out of that space.
15:40
And so, and in these spaces, it’s similar, it’s directed differently.
15:44
One of them is just the one of a suppression or shutting down or not really allowing the other is a turning inward and it can be a combination or layers or oscillation between.
15:54
It’s not saying that it’s one or the other.
15:56
And then on the other side of that, you know, you have dynamics where there is a lot of outward aggression that’s directed at or around you.
16:06
And these would be the circumstances in which there is not necessarily like extreme violence, but again, like there’s an extreme end to everything.
16:14
But this could be things like there’s a lot of yelling in your family, there’s a lot of aggression in, in the family.
16:19
People are really loud really intense and to a child that can feel really intimidating.
16:26
And especially if we witness harm or we experience it, then we also develop a sense of, well, I don’t want to be that I see the way that that’s impacting me or impacting others.
16:40
And now there’s an aversion to that kind of expression because our association with it is that it’s dangerous or harmful or that it’s gonna hurt other people.
16:49
So these are just again, really general concepts of, of how anger can start to develop and show up in our relationship to it.
16:58
If we don’t have AAA healthy, supportive conducive environment for developing healthy aggression and learning how to work with autonomy and rage and these bigger intense emotions in a safe and healthy way.
17:13
Yeah, under I mean, I can definitely relate to the second part of this, right?
17:18
Most of my family was really loud and even when they get loud today, like I can feel my system shutting down.
17:24
So like it, it doesn’t have to be like someone’s angry.
17:28
Like if someone’s just yelling or has really intense energy, my system tends to be like, I like going inward like I’m scared, completely shut down.
17:37
Like I’m hyper vigilant, like I’m kind of scanning the room of what’s happening and sometimes I completely disassociate and like numb out.
17:45
Like I think I’ve built this coping mechanism or way to protect myself by just like literally ignoring if people are yelling or literally turning off because I’m like, this is too much for my system, which a lot of my work has been to build my capacity to be with that intensity.
18:04
But I just felt called to share that with you.
18:07
Yeah, it’s, it’s a big one.
18:08
It’s,, it’s two things.
18:10
One, it’s, it’s developing safety within yourself to be in the here and now and then the other part is developing safety to then be out and not be in the shell.
18:19
Right.
18:20
Right.
18:20
You can literally feel it in your body.
18:23
Yeah.
18:23
Yeah.
18:23
What I love about somatics, like once you start to like pay attention to your experience, like I literally get like small and my body like experience feels so close and contracted.
18:35
Yeah.
18:36
Yeah.
18:37
Yeah.
18:37
And so in those instances, when we, when we start to talk about like se work, it’s, it’s working with that in the here and now, right, for those of you who are less familiar with this work, it’s very different than something like coaching or, or talk therapy and not that these other modalities aren’t helpful or supportive because they absolutely can be in the right context.
18:55
But when we’re starting to work with more intense responses like an actual state of shutdown, and you know, I’ll speak to this both from personal experience, but also in a lot of the clients that I work with intense freeze states are very, very, very common and especially if there’s a lot of early developmental trauma, a lot of the times you can go into states of regression where you become non verbal.
19:22
And this would be really, really confusing for somebody who’s not trained in this work to be able to track and, and know how you know how to support that.
19:29
But essentially what’s happening is what you’re talking about is when we feel so unsafe in where we are in being here and being present, we completely go into a state of not wanting to engage with our environment at all.
19:45
Now, if we look at states of, of how we respond to threats in the world, the the threat response system, the final state of the threat response is to go into a full on shutdown and dissociation.
20:01
Now, why is that?
20:02
Well, if you look at the animal kingdom, what ends up happening with, with a gazelle that’s about to get eaten by a lion while it leaves its body and it goes numb.
20:12
So it doesn’t have to feel the pain of being eaten alive.
20:15
So if, if we’re experiencing something within ourselves to where it feels so intense and threatening that we don’t feel like we can deal with the pain of it, right?
20:26
It makes sense that our system is going into a complete shutdown because it’s saying this is too much, this is too overwhelming.
20:32
I can’t handle this.
20:33
I don’t wanna feel this, the the feeling of this is too much.
20:37
Now, on the other side of that, as we start to work with that, we start to, to help the system recognize, hey, we’re good.
20:44
We’re safe.
20:44
We’re not, again, we’re not dying in this moment.
20:47
It might feel like it, that and there’s a lot that we, we do without it.
20:51
It’s very different depending on the person that you’re working with and the type of system that they have.
20:55
But typically this is a really slow process coming out of states of deep freeze is a very slow process and it takes a lot of trust and a lot of safety for someone’s system, one to go into the state, but then two to start to slowly come out of it and thaw out.
21:12
But when it does, and I my guess is that you’ve likely experienced this kind of, it is the intensity that comes after that because what is going on in a free state is because it’s the last defense underneath that is all of this mobilization, all of this energy, the survival energy that one of my, my teachers talks about it a lot.
21:35
You know, they say you have all of this survival energy that has all dressed up and has nowhere to go.
21:39
This is where we start to get into the fun work of working with things like rage or anger or aggression because now we have all these emotions that we’re feeling and we don’t know how to process them because we, we’re never shown or taught or given a space to do that.
21:54
And I’m doing a lot of this work right now with a bunch of clients in vain, it can feel really, really scary and intense, which is why there’s such an aversion to it.
22:03
When we start to touch on it, we think it’s just screaming pillows or heading things or breaking things.
22:08
But oftentimes it’s not actually the solution.
22:10
That’s not really where we want to go because we were not able to track and support somebody and making sure that they’re able to be fully present in the process without blowing into a state of dissociation in the re in the aggression.
22:24
So it’s a slow build and it’s a slow process.
22:27
And I think the, the key distinction with the way that we work with this in se versus in a lot of other modalities is that it’s very slow, sometimes annoyingly slow.
22:39
I think there’s, there’s a lot of moments for somatics is so slow.
22:43
Like in general, you know, we’ve done sessions together, I’ve done sessions with other people and I’m like barely doing anything.
22:51
And it’s wild how like the smallest movement, the smallest, like little shape or whatever I end up stepping into creates a crazy amount of emotion, a crazy amount of moment and things just start flowing.
23:06
But that’s what I love about somatics.
23:08
I think people, it’s hard.
23:10
It’s, I also want to go to the other side because a lot of people want extreme.
23:13
A lot of people want it to be done quickly.
23:14
They want to be asked it.
23:16
There’s a lot of patience in it, but there’s a reason why you’re talking to that.
23:19
Right.
23:19
It’s important to go slow for your system.
23:22
Yes.
23:23
Yeah.
23:23
Yeah.
23:24
Yeah.
23:24
Because otherwise what happens is you end up risking potential re traumatization.
23:29
Right.
23:29
Right.
23:30
Where we’re just going into cycles of catharsis, but there’s not actually any room for renegotiation or for integration or for the system to actually fully come out.
23:40
And you know, this is why like I personally my own personal belief, like I don’t necessarily like think that that’s the best way to go about it.
23:46
I think some catharsis is great occasionally, but we also want to make sure that there’s just as much if not more geared towards actually supporting somebody integrate back into their body and back into the life and then into the world.
24:00
Yeah.
24:00
But so as someone wants to, let’s say they start to feel a lot of frustration, they start to feel a lot of anger they witness like, oh my gosh, I’m really angry.
24:09
I can feel that in my body.
24:11
What can someone start doing to like inviting that or, or process it and what are the some of the containers or tools that can help someone do that?
24:21
And then also I’ll also say like if you are processing really heavy trauma work with a practitioner to hold you in that.
24:27
Who would love your take?
24:28
Yeah, definitely hitting on that caveat.
24:31
There’s like a balance.
24:32
Yeah.
24:32
Yeah.
24:33
Yeah.
24:35
What, what I’ll say before I go into this is at any time something starts to feel really intense to where all you can feel is what you’re feeling or with somebody who’s trained in, in, in the work because can be really challenging to hold or coach ourselves in those moments.
24:55
And especially if you’re working with stuff that has never actually had space to be processed or aired or add the support.
25:03
So that’s what I would say.
25:04
And then nearly on the other side of that, like you don’t want to push yourself.
25:07
This is not about get angry and yell at the world.
25:11
That’s not what we’re trying to do either.
25:12
What we’re working with is how do we start to feel safe?
25:16
Feeling what we’re feeling and being with it?
25:20
And gosh, there’s so much that I want to say here.
25:23
The first thing that I would say is if you’ve been on one end of the spectrum where you’ve grown up in an environment that was emotionally volatile, just a lot of intensity around you and you have a lot of aversion to feeling your frustration or anger or rage or just it feels hard to access.
25:42
There’s a lot of fear or uncertainty around it or a lot of hesitation around the impact on others definitely work with somebody.
25:51
But more importantly, the, the first part of this is recognizing that you get to feel that because a lot of the times what comes up is we feel a lot of shame and we feel a lot of guilt.
26:02
So we have to work with the, the complexity of, of the other feelings that are here before we can actually work with the anchor in the ra, right?
26:11
And so part of this and it happens really quick in sessions as well where sometimes, you know, we’ll, we’ll start to tap into something and somebody will say, like, I feel really annoyed with, I’m like, OK, let’s, let’s sit with that for a moment.
26:24
Can you notice, notice where you’re feeling really annoyed right now, really agitated and then they’ll, you know, the notice that and they’ll start to track that and say, ok, noticing that there’s a lot more rigidity showing up, right?
26:35
So if the defense pattern has always been to shut it down, what you’re gonna start to see if you’re watching the video version of this and you’re gonna start to see is the person is gonna start to get more stiff, they’re gonna start to become less mobile, they’re gonna start moving less and you know, they’re, they’re gonna say, I feel angry and then what will happen?
26:52
A lot of times when we’re working with systems who go into states of repression is they’ll, they’ll freeze.
26:58
So the rigidity is coming online because the system is shutting it down because it doesn’t feel like it’s appropriate or safe to bring it out.
27:04
Right.
27:05
So, we’ll, there, we’ll work with it, we’ll work with.
27:07
Ok.
27:07
So if you can just wiggle a toe, wiggle a finger, right.
27:10
Let’s see if we can just move the eyes a little bit and let’s start to work with the neck and then we’ll work with different sounds and help the system slowly start to recognize like, hey, you can move your body, you’re here, there’s a body here, right?
27:23
And as we start to do that, then you notice the shoulders and the arms and everything starts to come down, there’s more space in, in the breath and in the belly and there’s also gonna be a lot more warmth.
27:35
So what we’re tracking for easy things, hot, cold and is breathing easy, hard, shallow, deep.
27:44
And do you feel like there’s more space or like it’s more tight, right?
27:48
More relaxed or more tight.
27:50
And so as we start to come out of the freeze with this, then we’ll start to notice like, OK, what else is here?
27:56
And a lot of the times this is where we start to see a lot of over coupling or under coupling with other emotions.
28:01
So things like the shame might come up, things like the guilt might come up a lot of the times, especially if there’s environments where we, had other folks who were really intense or loud or aggressive around us.
28:13
There’s terror, there’s fear here, right?
28:17
This is really, really important to work with because if that is there, we want to work with the fear.
28:22
We want to work with the terror and help this person start to orient to.
28:26
Hey, how like, can you see me?
28:28
How do you know that you’re safe right now?
28:30
Notice where you are, notice what day it is?
28:33
What year it is?
28:34
What’s your name?
28:35
Where are we?
28:36
Because again, when you’re starting to work with his star, it’s not something that happens fast.
28:42
There’s a lot of tracking that you need to do to make sure somebody is still here and not completely in a response.
28:48
And as they start to, to come out of some of that fear, the next part of this is recognizing where the anger is and this is what you’re asking this way to get here.
28:58
But I think you highlight that there’s so many layers.
29:01
Yeah.
29:01
Yeah.
29:01
And I think that’s one of the beautiful things about se I and somatics and this whole process you’re talking to, it’s like layer by layer by layer by layer because because of an experience, we end up creating these other ways to like protect and manage ourselves and all these things you have to go through each of those one by one.
29:19
You can’t just go directly to the thing without being with all the others.
29:23
Right?
29:24
100%.
29:25
100%.
29:25
Yeah.
29:26
Yeah.
29:26
And I wouldn’t say when you, when you finally got to the space, yeah, when you get there, when you finally get there, it might be, it might be mud swipe years.
29:35
But when you get there, it is a very interesting process.
29:39
And the reason why I say that is because you can show up in different ways, depending again on, on the system and the history and, and how the defense systems were developed.
29:50
Directionality.
29:52
It is also something to look at because there’s, there’s inner, inward directed anger, meaning when you are, when you have feel like you have no sense of control at the world outside of you.
30:03
So what do you do?
30:04
You become so angry with yourself.
30:06
And this is where we start to see things as far as etymology like self harm.
30:10
And this can show up in a, in a multitude of way.
30:12
I’d say this can show up in alcohol addiction, drugs, sex, risky decision making, gambling, self harm, right?
30:19
A lot of really, really heavy topics where we take it out on ourselves.
30:24
And when you’re working with something like this, it’s a really delicate process of helping somebody start to feel like they can actually turn that out, right?
30:37
Because the reason why we don’t want to feel it is because we feel like we’re going to destroy ourselves.
30:40
And that can feel really, really scary and overwhelming, which is why we don’t want to go directly into it and feel it as intensely as possible when we start to work with these things because we don’t want somebody to regress into a state of self harm if they have a history of self harm or, you know, whatever the, the history is.
30:55
So, what we want to do with this person is we want to very, very slowly in a very titrated place and by titrated,, you can think of this kind of like if you have a fire hose, we don’t want to open up the fire hose.
31:07
We want it very, very slowly.
31:09
Just, just a wee bit or, or a soda can, might, might be easier if we, to think of it like a giant Coke bottle that you’ve just shaken up.
31:15
Right.
31:15
We don’t wanna just like, or it’s gonna hit you in the Yeah.
31:18
Yeah, we don’t want to just, like, open it all the way up.
31:21
We want to slowly just, just a tiny bit, let it diffuse and then just a tiny bit because that’s kind of what we’re doing here.
31:27
You’ve got all of this built up survival energy that’s stuck in the system and all of this things.
31:32
And all of these, these are not easy emotions to work with and we have to know how to, how to slowly work with it because the other part of this is if you have somebody who has a defense pattern of feeling like they’re too much.
31:44
So they hold it in, you gotta be ready to work with that because if they start to feel like they’re too intense for the space that they’re in, that can also be really challenging to deal with.
31:55
Which is why when you’re doing this work, you really want to make sure you’re vetting the people that you’re doing this work with and that they have the capacity to support you on these deeper types of things.
32:05
Now, when we’re working with internalized anger and internalized rage, these are things like feeling existential, like an existential crisis or terror or disgust either for yourself or the world or both can feel very all encompassing.
32:24
And when you get into these states can almost feel like the way that the system is responding is if I can destroy myself, nobody else can destroy me.
32:34
It’s a way in which the system is protecting in a really interesting space because it feels like it has no control on the external environment.
32:43
So what does it do?
32:44
It harms itself so much to where nothing anybody else does could possibly compare to the pain that you’re giving yourself.
32:51
And I’m just gonna invite y’all to, you know, take some, take some deep breaths and look around a little bit after getting into it, I’ll shake it out like, yeah, yeah, because they’re gonna get a sort of things, definitely feel it like, even when you were talking about like the intent, like, oh, here we go.
33:05
It’s up, you know.
33:06
No.
33:06
You know.
33:07
So.
33:07
Yeah.
33:08
Yeah.
33:08
Yeah.
33:09
So, you know, just we go over the toes, look around a little bit because this, these are not easy conversations or easy topics to go into and it can bring up a lot of, a lot of things for a lot of different folks.
33:20
But it’s, you know, it’s important that we’re able to identify these things because a lot of the times we’re told that we just need to meditate and nothing about it.
33:29
I was definitely not that too, you know, like I feel like what we’re having is such an important conversation around the importance of giving it how important it is because, you know, when you see things on Instagram or you see people showing people how to process anger and like they’re like, be with your anger and people were like slamming like their pillow on the bed and things like that.
33:49
Like, yes, that is so helpful to be a representation of like this is kind of welcome.
33:53
I get that part, but there’s all this other fluff and this importance of being actually nurtured and cared for and held in that experience and knowing, you know, what your boundaries are in that process, you know, what are your actual edges in that process?
34:10
Like you said, like, you can definitely create more harm than good if you go into it from places like, not really knowing your system or have had work that done the work with someone that can identify that, you know?
34:24
Yeah.
34:25
And I, I, you know, I’ll give you some examples here because life is so fun.
34:29
, I had, before I got to the trauma work, I, and before I got pregnant I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time I was in a breathwork certification program.
34:38
And,, we would go into these breathwork practices and I would go into full blown catharsis every single time.
34:44
And you know, that everybody wanted to, to work on my system because, you know, it’s like fireworks and everything.
34:51
But no, like I felt so disoriented after every single time that I did that, even though they were like these huge big releases because I wasn’t actually fully there.
35:01
I wasn’t fully in my body as I was navigating that I was very much so like in a complete state of, of catharsis.
35:09
And when I first started going into se work, I had a really interesting experience, beginning one, the first, the first training of my first year in se a really interesting experience with a woman who, and I, I didn’t realize at the time when I got into the training that we were gonna be practicing on each other and that meant that people were going to be working on me with my trauma, very un aware of that.
35:34
So just heads up for anyone considering and there was somebody who, you know, came in and, and we were partnered together.
35:41
And luckily, you know, there were, there were plenty of faculty there supporting and so we had plenty of eyeballs on us.
35:47
One of the things that I really, really appreciated about that program and this woman was just so unaware of what was going on with me.
35:56
She was trying to work with me and the the mis atonement was something that, that is very familiar for my system, right?
36:04
When, when it feels like there’s not like a respect in the boundary that’s there.
36:08
And for me with my system, the way that that shows up is when somebody is digging and I don’t want them to dig.
36:15
But at the time, I didn’t have the capacity to be like, no, I didn’t know how to do that.
36:22
So it is fair that you say no, right?
36:24
Like, yeah, I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t know that back then.
36:29
Yeah.
36:30
Yeah, I didn’t know that back then.
36:32
And so my my defense pattern was to go inward.
36:37
And so for those of you watching the video, it was very much like every part of me was tensing and every part of me was like, like there was just such like an air in a rage directed outward, but also inward and just like taking it, right?
36:53
Just like taking it because that was the way that up until then I had dealt with life, she was to tense up and take it.
37:03
No, it’s been really sorry.
37:05
Yeah.
37:06
How many of us are just tensing up and taking it, you know?
37:12
Yeah.
37:13
So, but it’s none of that.
37:14
Not the fact that it is.
37:15
It’s crazy that we do do that, you know.
37:18
Yeah.
37:18
Yeah, 100%.
37:19
And, you know, I got the one or the other faculty member.
37:22
Luckily at the time, the time wore out this person never really got anywhere with me.
37:26
And we were asked, you know, like, how was that for?
37:30
And I just started bawling and was just like outraged.
37:35
I was like, I have never felt so mis attuned in my entire life.
37:40
Like I felt so unsafe in the fact that you weren’t even like, I was angry at this person for not even being aware of how uncomfortable and unsafe I felt and how vulnerable and exposed it.
37:50
I felt the point in sharing all of that is coming back to the conversation of how we work with folks in these places and in these species because what I needed at the time when I first started doing this work because my system though is very intense also has a really hard time vocalizing outwardly what I’m feeling and study and holding a boundary and took a while to get to that place three fucking years to get to that place.
38:20
But in my final training, there was, there’s, there’s a lot that had happened to keep, you know, story short and, and to not demonstrate growth, a different woman, a different woman had gotten really upset at something that I had said in inside of the group setting of about a room of about maybe 100 students are advanced.
38:42
Your final training, there was a bit of an uproar and anti racism and adversity, equity conversations and just a very VUN practitioner.
38:52
And I spoke up about it and I made some comments and this person felt like I was thinking directly about them.
38:59
And in one of the group settings, they decided to, you know, like when I, when I get angry, when I get upset, I’ve learned how to hold that intensity within myself.
39:11
And, and so I was disengaged from the conversation until this woman looks at me and says directly to me that she felt like I was speaking directly to her.
39:19
And if I had something to say that I could say it to her.
39:22
Faith.
39:24
Yeah.
39:24
Yeah.
39:25
Yeah.
39:25
Say how did you navigate that?
39:29
Oh, it was fun.
39:30
Yeah.
39:31
So as you can see right now, there’s a lot happening in my system.
39:34
Yeah, I was like, are you OK?
39:36
Do you wanna, you wanna shake it out a little?
39:39
No, it’s good.
39:40
It’s good.
39:41
But yeah, it was a very similar response, right?
39:43
There was almost just like this sense of like, oh, you don’t know what you’re doing because one of the things that I’ve developed a relationship with over the years was recognizing how much power I actually do have.
39:57
And I don’t say that in like a woo woo way.
39:59
I say that in a sense of like, if I needed to do something incredibly volatile and violent to protect myself, I know that I would be able to do that.
40:08
Right.
40:08
And that’s an innate thing for any living animal is if we’re being threatened, knowing how to actually access and get in touch with that type of fight response within yourself is 100 and 10% necessary for your survival.
40:24
And I didn’t have access to that for a very long time because I didn’t think it was safe.
40:29
Right.
40:30
I, I was on the receiving end of a lot of that for a lot of my life.
40:34
And so I didn’t have a healthy relationship to it.
40:37
I was terrified of it.
40:38
And after working through all of that, when this woman came up and confronted me in that way, it was very much the conversation of, you know, this isn’t my responsibility, like what you’re feeling is not mine.
40:48
And I’m not going to sit here and subject myself to your fragility and continue to hear this conversation.
40:54
So if you want to process that you can process it with somebody else, but that’s not mine.
40:59
And I was able to stand up and actually walk away and leave the room and say no and hold a boundary.
41:05
Right.
41:06
Yeah.
41:06
Up until that point, maybe, no, it wasn’t like a 180.
41:10
It was, it was a very slow progression.
41:12
But had that been, you know, happening in the first year, I would have never been able to, I would have just taken it and I probably would have never said anything in the first place to get myself into that predicament.
41:23
But on the other end of that, it was a, it was a progression of recognizing like I could annihilate this person.
41:29
And this is where we’re starting to talk about other side of working with anger and aggression.
41:32
And what that actually looks like when you start to develop capacity to, to work with it and be with it is I actually have capacity to annihilate somebody if I really wanted to or need it to and I can work with it.
41:45
I can hold that intensity.
41:46
I can bring that up and be here in it without acting on it.
41:50
And that’s what we’re starting to talk about developing healthy, healthy aggression, healthy range because I think what a lot of folks maybe misunderstand about these types of feelings or expressions.
42:02
It’s not about not having it, not feeling, not being in the intensity of it.
42:07
It’s not about downplay.
42:10
Yeah, it’s about how can you actually hold that and have range and fluidity in your expression.
42:16
To where if I need to access that part of myself, I am able to get into it and be with it, but I’m also able to come out of it.
42:24
And I think that’s a really important, key distinction is a lot of the times on the other extreme of this, you know, we spend a lot of time talking about folks who have a hard time accessing anger or frustration or rage.
42:35
But on the other side of that, there’s folks who live in a constant state of anger and rage.
42:40
So we, we don’t want to get stuck in that place either where we feel like all we’re doing is fighting the world because that’s exhausting.
42:48
It’s perpetually exhausting.
42:50
So we want to, to work within it in a place to where I can touch into an access and be with the intensity of my experience and feel this and know that I can handle it and I can manage it.
43:00
And if I need to, I can destroy something or someone, but I know that I won’t because I have control over that.
43:09
And you and you find ways to start to learn how to communicate and externalize that, right?
43:14
So we were, we were talking a little bit earlier about some clients who have a really hard time Externalizing or communicating their frustration to rage because they don’t know how to do it in a, in a healthy and productive way, right?
43:25
Without going into a state of, you know, seeing red and, and like, I’m gonna kill you and I’m gonna come at you kind of anger, like I’m gonna throw every mean thing I know in the book at you.
43:37
Yeah, I think.
43:38
Yeah.
43:39
Yeah, exactly.
43:40
That, and part of that is, is that we don’t know how to hold that intensity without losing ourselves in it.
43:46
Right.
43:46
So, it’s, it’s, how can I be with the intensity of what I’m feeling right now, be direct and hold a boundary and communicate this boundary without completely trying to destroy the other person that’s in front of me.
43:58
Is that, that is a very, very delicate dance totally.
44:03
I mean, I talk about communications by jam like I love that.
44:06
But a lot of the questions that I get are like, what if someone comes at me hard?
44:10
You know, how do I stand in my boundary?
44:12
How do I stay true to my and you can fall into the place of getting defensive and coming at them too?
44:18
Or you can learn how to be with your experience and still make like, respectfully, I don’t know what the right word is but like grounded, respectfully say this is not mine.
44:28
I’m going to take myself out of the situation and it sounds like that you did that so person so beautifully and you know, you knew that that was their responsibility.
44:36
And I think that’s the other thing that is such a beautiful gift that you know that she’s going through her process and that you don’t have the capacity to meet her in the process or have her navigate that process.
44:45
Like you were like, no, this is not for me and that’s well done while you’re also having this crazy internal experience, which can feel like a lot.
44:55
And I think that’s the part that I think is so beautiful.
44:58
It’s not that anger like you’re saying, you don’t have to explode on someone.
45:02
Don’t, don’t go off like do, don’t destroying things and being like, I’m going to be angry because I’ve suppressed my anger my whole life and I’m going to start biting it.
45:12
That’s when you’re regressing into like age three.
45:14
And that’s what my toddler is currently working with right now because like he gets angry and he’s like, it’s really cute.
45:20
He was like, you know, like full blown and it’s funny because, you know, I, I see this in sessions with clients with him.
45:30
It’s cute because I could be like the Daniel, the Tiger, however it goes Tiger, Daniel, whatever his name is.
45:36
There’s a cute little song.
45:38
Yeah, that we sing now and it goes when you feel so mad that you wanna roar, take a deep breath and go to court and it works when he’s not angry.
45:50
But what are you saying about?
45:51
It was like the one that is angry though, like they get in that, you know, what I mean, like you have to meet them, you have to meet them in it and you have to meet them in a way to where you can match the intensity but not, not necessarily the emotion.
46:04
Like you’re not coming at them, you’re able to meet them and help them feel contained in it.
46:08
Because when you’re working with something as big as intense as anger or hatred or rage or discussed, whether it’s inward or outward, you have to have a container that can hold that right?
46:20
My son’s a great example of this because when he gets angry and he has tantrums, he has tantrums, right?
46:25
You know, it’s not all the time but really in my work at alphabet over here, it’s, it’s being with him in that and saying like, no, you cannot hit me.
46:34
I love you and I’m here for you and I’m gonna be here with you.
46:37
But no, like you’re not going to hurt me.
46:40
No, I love you.
46:41
I’m here with you.
46:42
Understand that this is a really big emotion and that this is probably really overwhelming and really hard to navigate right now and I’m right here, I’m right here and a lot of the times go ahead.
46:53
I say you can feel that in your presence right now.
46:55
Yeah, they like it wasn’t like I’m screaming at you or it wasn’t like it’s OK, you know, you know, like the, there’s like this sense of like, I meet you on the structure.
47:05
I hold you, I guide you.
47:07
You’re safe.
47:07
It’s ok.
47:09
Yeah.
47:09
Yeah, because we, we don’t, we, often times, like, never had that experience, you know, it’s, it’s very rare might be biased because again, this is all, all the work that I do.
47:20
So, of course, the people I meet are the people who haven’t done it.
47:22
, but, but it’s very rare that we actually have had that upbringing to where that was what we got.
47:29
You know, it’s funny, I, I share these stories with my clients a lot of the time and they’re like that, that would be so amazing.
47:33
Like if that’s actually, oh my God, that was in real life for me either.
47:37
I mean, this is a part of what I’m so grateful.
47:39
I don’t know if it’s just our generation.
47:40
I mean, that has been for a long around, for a really long time.
47:43
Right.
47:43
This, this work has been going on for a while.
47:46
I think more people are finding it and now we have tools like I would have never known like if someone’s angry like to meet them and not if anything, I’m like, I mean, the old, still parts of me, you know, still something I work on would be like, oh scared, I’m gonna leave them alone, I’m gonna step away.
48:02
You’re gonna handle this on your own.
48:03
You know, because I had no sense of capacity to hold that.
48:08
But I also did not have the skill set or if someone didn’t teach me to be like, no, in those educations, someone actually needs to be held in that to like, really be met in that and, you know, meeting it with a sense of how do I say, like, really deep, like I’m here, you know, like, yes, but no one taught me that and it makes me mad and I’m also so grateful for like, wow, because I don’t have, you know, I talk about anger because I’m like getting angry that I don’t know how to process anger.
48:39
Just kidding.
48:40
You know, always a start.
48:42
But, you know, now being able to step into that, you know, it’s just what you just talked about is just so beautiful and like holding that structure, especially if your son and imagine if more people did that for people.
48:54
Yeah.
48:55
I mean, it’s again like, I’m not perfect.
48:57
I have my moments.
48:59
Yes, same.
49:01
I’m like, I’m fucking done today.
49:02
Catch go talk to your dad.
49:05
I’m at my capacity.
49:06
I I’m at my limit that you need to go fucking to your mom.
49:11
Can you take him?
49:12
That’s what I’m, I’m gonna lose my shit, you know.
49:15
But like that’s, that’s the beauty of it.
49:17
And, and I wanna say to, you know, to any parents or, or folks listening who have whatever the experiences are.
49:23
It’s not about never having ruptures in your relationships.
49:27
I think that’s a, a big misconception is this idea that we’re never gonna have conflict or ruptures or mis atonement.
49:35
Those things are inevitable, they’re going to happen.
49:37
The healing happens in the repair and that’s the magic like I have moments where, you know, I fuck up as a parent where I’m just, you know, I don’t have the capacity that day.
49:47
I feel overwhelmed, over stimulated this weekend was really overstimulating and that’s gonna happen, that’s normal.
49:53
So I think part of this is being kind to yourself and compassionate with yourself that you’re not expected to be a perfect human being in this process.
49:59
But also to recognize like there’s more power in the repair after a rupture than completely avoiding rupture altogether, which is where we get into a whole different subject of, you know, trauma with.
50:11
Do you want to stay on record another episode?
50:14
Because it’s a whole another thing, the whole another topic on the other end of this with neglect, that’s not neglect, but it’s a different kind of neglect.
50:23
So neglect is, you know, absence of.
50:24
And then the other part of that is the overbearing parent who, you know, is, is just so passive in, in the approach or the, you know, the upbringing is so passive that there was never any structure, never anything that was like really there, it was just like whatever you want.
50:38
But at the same time like that never, it never got to be held or met,, you know, who talks about this so well, what’s her name?
50:45
The two books called Running On MD.
50:47
Yeah.
50:47
Yeah.
50:48
What’s her name?
50:49
But the bug.
50:50
Yeah, I need to find the bug but she’s a psychologist that literally just talks so much about missing up the neglect of like, not really receiving what you actually need.
50:59
So, like in moments of like, oh, I want to, in that moment I wanted to be held.
51:04
But my, the person that I was with didn’t know that I needed to be held, but it’s still damaging to my system because I so badly needed to be held or be emotionally seen.
51:12
But like, they didn’t recognize I needed to be emotionally seen.
51:15
She talks about that so beautifully in that book.
51:17
And there’s two books.
51:18
One is the identifying and the two is like, how to actually like navigate that and integrate that into your life.
51:24
So it’s really good.
51:25
Yeah.
51:26
Yeah.
51:26
Yeah, I know the book.
51:27
That’s a good one.
51:28
I don’t remember the author’s name though.
51:29
Sorry.
51:29
She’s a, she’s a psychologist edit it in.
51:32
We’ll find the name and then you can come back and say it like here you go back.
51:36
Wait, I guess for my last like couple like my last question, you know, especially because we’re still tapping on like anger and rage.
51:43
I’m so glad that we like talked about like the different dynamics of it, the layers of it because there’s so much more than just anger.
51:51
There’s so much more than just frustration.
51:52
There’s, and like, how it can be born and, like, what the steps are and, like, how to be held on that.
51:57
, but if you could, if there is any right, like next step would be the very, very first step to this whole process and wanting to be with the anger.
52:10
I think we’ve talked so much about the game profession, how to do that.
52:12
But like, how can someone just start to invite the process of it?
52:17
He has, it’s tricky, it’s tricky, right?
52:19
Because there’s like, depending on where you’re at and where you’re starting from, the, the answer is different.
52:23
And I think that’s part of the reason, like, why personally, like, I don’t know if it ever do group work in this, in this regard because it’s so individualized that it’s really hard to be like, here’s your blueprint for doing this because I don’t know what’s going to come up.
52:36
Like I had a client where I recommended her for her, excuse me, for them to do something.
52:41
And, you know, I thought it was a good idea at the time and then they did it and then, and then things just started to happen and I was like, oh shit, where did we just go?
52:51
We had to come out of that because it brought up so much other content for them.
52:55
So I, I’m really cautious to say you know, here’s the blueprint or here’s the step by step or, or here’s the protocol because every single person’s system, upbringing in history and, and trauma background is so different and something that might be helpful and resourceful for, for one person in this example, could be incredibly harmful and traumatizing for another person.
53:19
So I think that the best thing that you can do in this is start to get support around better understanding yourself and how you show up and how you navigate life.
53:32
And just starting to take note of what are the things that bring things up for you is probably the first stop and just starting to, to develop the awareness of those pieces and how that feels and what that looks like in your system.
53:46
And for folks who’ve never done any of this kind of work, what is it called?
53:50
There’s a, there’s a chart or wheel of sensation and to help you better orient to like the different types of sensations and emotions within your body.
53:59
I sure we’ll link it in the resources along with the book.
54:02
All right.
54:03
So taking those.
54:04
Yeah.
54:04
Yeah.
54:05
But there, there’s a wheel that, that helps you better understand range of capacity of different sensations and emotions and, and just starting to develop a relationship with that, like can you actually feel your butt on the chair right now?
54:17
Wherever you’re sitting or laying or can you feel your feet on the floor?
54:20
Like, are you noticing that these things, are there?
54:22
Do you feel warm or hot?
54:23
Do different parts of your bodies feel different temperatures?
54:25
Do you feel soft or hard or you can start with broader, more general pieces so that you can track those, the easiest things to attuned to or orient words or become aware of and depending on your language is soft and hard, it’s really easy to track hot and cold, really easy to track and your breath and then your eyes right?
54:45
Noticing like, do I, do I feel like I have a really intense stare?
54:49
Do I feel like I’m more relaxed in my face?
54:51
Do I feel more relaxed in my body?
54:52
Does my belly feel more like big and open or does it feel more tight and contracted?
54:57
These are things that anybody at, at any level will be able to start to feel?
55:02
And then as you do the work, as you start to go deeper into it, you’ll, you’ll develop more language and and more understanding of the nuances of these things.
55:10
So you’re like, oh, this feels like this and that.
55:13
Let me start to get into some fun stuff, but that’s where I would start.
55:16
I would say starting to get curious about yourself noticing for you where you fit on that spectrum.
55:23
And it might be something that we didn’t even talk about today because today we were very much focused on, on the suppression and inability to access just one end of the spectrum and there’s a lot of layers inside of that as, you know, we’ve kind of gone over the other end of the spectrum.
55:39
You know, if you’re somebody who, who feels angry or feels like, you know, there’s just so much in you, then that’s a totally different conversation.
55:46
You wanna identify that.
55:47
But I would say starting there just getting curious about where you are and then getting the proper support especially.
55:53
And again, you don’t have to have a history of severe trauma for the symptomology to be there.
55:59
If you’re noticing that you have a hard time speaking up for yourself.
56:02
If you’re noticing that it’s hard for you to hold a boundary or express your needs or ask for what you want or have really difficult, hard conversations or whatever it might be.
56:13
These are things to explore and look at because it doesn’t have to just be extremes we’re working with.
56:19
It can be even in the subtleties as well.
56:22
100%.
56:22
I mean, you gave them such a beautiful gift of just becoming aware of their body and like what’s actually happening, right?
56:29
Just starting right there.
56:31
And that is something that you don’t have to just do when you’re angry, right?
56:35
Like you can do that any time of the day, like really noticing how your body feels when you’re relaxed.
56:40
How does your body feel when you’re happy?
56:42
How does your body feel when you’re sad, how does it feel when it’s stressed?
56:45
You know, there’s all the different states can definitely take away from that practice you shared.
56:50
And then also, I think, especially with the podcasts and everyone that’s listening, like I think my goal is to kind of normalize emotions and expression, you know, like expressing emotions and being with them and then also just creating capacity to be with them.
57:05
Like, it’s not so much about suppressing that and like you said, or like putting them aside, I mean, like that’s underneath the rug for the next 20 years, then we’re going to talk about it again or I’m gonna pray to God that is never going to come up again.
57:16
Like, sorry, it is, you know, like that, that’s really like the goal I think Bernie anyone that’s listening to is just like normalizing these conversations and being like, it’s OK that you feel these things and you know, you can also look for support, like really, really stepping into that because I think for me personally and I be able to move through anger and rage and learn how to process it in a very healthy way and be held in that has created so much more capacity to be with things.
57:45
And in the middle of hard conversations in the, in the middle of like work going bonkers and like having to troubleshoot, you know, like just any kind of momentum like that, you’re like Wow, I can actually be with this experience without my emotion, completely taking over of the experience, which is another thing we talked about, you know.
58:02
So, yeah, with that being said, I just want to say thank you so so much for coming onto the Blade for podcast and like truly talking about this and I would love for you to share, you know, a little bit more.
58:16
Obviously, we’ll tie a lot of resources that maybe someone can do a couple of links to like back to you.
58:21
But if you’re open to sharing, like how you actually support clients, what does that mean?
58:26
What are you called?
58:27
And how can someone contact you?
58:29
Yeah, so there’s, there’s an entire page on my site, the customer.com/trauma dash, whatever the little line thing is coaching.
58:39
And I have a private practice very different from most of the industry.
58:44
If you’re in the coaching world, the way that I operate is I do ad hoc sessions because I find that it’s actually the most appropriate for this work and I do sliding scale.
58:52
So what that means is there’s no applications or pre qualifications in place because I get that it happens.
58:57
Life happens.
58:58
You don’t need to sit here and tell me why you feel like you need to have a sliding scale price.
59:03
It’s all there folks can just book whenever they need or want for new clients.
59:07
I do take them through intake process because I need to know and understand your, your background and your history and the the word or the title would be a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and SEP as well as training in neuro effective touch.
59:23
So I do integrate a lot of touch work.
59:26
We didn’t really get into much of this today, but a lot of my background is also in early developmental trauma.
59:31
So my specialties are around early developmental trauma, a lot around raids, around a lot around neglect and a lot around adverse childhood experiences.
59:41
So I I tend to work more on the extreme ends.
59:44
And then the, the things that I will say here is for folks who have more severe symptomology and I would be referring out.
59:52
So if you have something that’s more severe, like suicidal ideation, I would work with you, but only places where you are also working with somebody who’s a licensed clinical psychologist or therapist to help monitor cases because I’m not licensed in that regard.
1:00:07
And I think that’s important to, to mention.
1:00:09
So that that would be the one thing that, you know, you can find that on the site or anyone that’s curious or interested, there’s also a ton of resources on there.
1:00:16
If you just go to the blog or the podcast, there’s just plenty of stuff that you can explore and dive into depending on what you’re looking for and what you need.
1:00:24
But yeah, I think this is a a good little entry point.
1:00:27
Yeah, that was so beautifully said.
1:00:29
And I think, you know, I personally done sessions with you and I always felt so safe and they were always when I needed.
1:00:37
And so I truly love the ad hoc model because at least personally, for me, you know, I’m in a place right now where like, not a lot of things are coming up.
1:00:43
But like, when I know I really want to reach out and like, wanna be with that and like really taking that responsibility for my healing and my process is really cool.
1:00:51
As well as, yeah, you’re just an amazing practitioner and it, you guys didn’t take away, she knows a lot, you know, and I love that for the sessions, you know, like I come into your sessions and you’re teaching me too, you know, and I think it’s also really important to take that away if, if someone ever wants that space too.
1:01:08
So, and all right, ladies, if you are listening in, this is for you, if you have a friend or family member that is female, that is looking for community that is looking at this path of growth and wanting to evolve as a human being, please listen in.
1:01:27
So I wanna share with you the fully expressed community.
1:01:30
If you haven’t heard about it, you need to hear about it and you’re hearing about it today and I’d love for you to check it out.
1:01:36
The fully expressed community is for women supporting women.
1:01:40
We have created a community where you can connect with other women that are also on this path of growth that are interested and curious about what else is available to them.
1:01:50
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1:01:55
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1:02:00
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1:02:11
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1:02:26
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1:02:38
And they’re only gonna listen from me, but you’re also gonna learn from these amazing human beings that are available to you out there and here to share their gifts with you so that you can live a life fully expressed.
1:02:49
The fully expressed community is only $27 a month.
1:02:52
And if you leave a review on this podcast I will actually give to you one month to come join us for free in the fully expressed community to actually experience what it means to be in this community and these women.
1:03:06
So if you go leave a review for me, I’ll go do that.
1:03:09
You could also find more information in the show notes about the fully expressed community.
1:03:13
And I hope to see you there next month, the next second Wednesday that is available to you to be surrounded by other women that just freaking get it, that just get what you’re going through.
1:03:24
I’ll see you there.
1:03:26
I love the fact that you also refer out.
1:03:28
I think it’s so in t in integrity and I think the coaching industry really needs a lot of integrity podcast.
1:03:39
Sorry.
1:03:40
No.
1:03:41
Anyways and you know, yeah, I think we just need, even though it’s really hard to find really good practitioners that are in a space of integrity and are practicing in their lanes because some of this stuff can get really gray and defining that for yourself as a practitioner or even knowing how to identify that as a client is difficult.
1:04:00
I just, I love that you are already living in that.
1:04:03
So I appreciate you so much.
1:04:05
Thank you so much for coming on.
1:04:07
You know, thanks for having me.
1:04:08
I’m glad we got to jump out and all the things.
1:04:11
Yeah, I feel like we could jam for, for days.
1:04:13
All right.
1:04:14
Yeah.
1:04:15
Literally.
1:04:17
So yay.

Linkage:

Full Transcript0:00
Welcome to the fully expressed podcast with Karenna.
0:03
I am really looking forward to today’s conversation because of the feedback that I’ve received over the last couple weeks after sharing that I’m getting my breast implants removed.
0:14
And if you listen to the last podcast episode, I did share that this podcast episode was coming.
0:19
If you haven’t got a chance to listen to previous episodes, I did share that I am getting my breast implants removed.
0:26
I’m not getting them specifically removed for breast implant illness.
0:29
It’s because of the choice of coming back to my body and like fully, fully just owning my body again and like falling in love with my like raw and juiciest self.
0:39
But a lot of the feedback that I got from the listeners on this last episode was just asking me questions of like I admire how much in love you are with your body, how confident you are in your body, how expressive you are.
0:51
And so I felt like it was absolutely necessary to invite this very special guest, Sydney, which, how do I pronounce your last name?
1:00
Sydney?
1:00
I meant to ask you that Rob Aada.
1:02
That’s a new thing in my life.
1:04
I’ve never had a confusing last name until I got married three years ago.
1:07
Now people asked me how to pronounce my last name.
1:10
It’s Robollo.
1:11
Ok.
1:11
So robot, so Cindy Robot is on the call with us or on the interview with us.
1:15
And let me tell you just a little bit of how I met Sydney.
1:18
So we got brought together by another friend, we went to go support another friend at her photo shoot and she was at the photo shoot and in the glimpse of the little conversation that I heard you speak.
1:29
I was like, oh, I need to talk to her a little bit more.
1:31
She introduced herself as someone that helps women with their bodies, like falling in love with their bodies and fully feeling confident in their bodies.
1:38
And I was like, girl, I’ve been on that journey and I need to hear more about you and your story.
1:42
And as we were walking out to our cars, we just spent like a few minutes just going back and forth.
1:46
And I was like, I think I’m going to get to spend more time with her sometime soon.
1:51
And she was one of the first people, if the first person wanted to come on here.
1:55
So, hi Sydney, how are you?
1:58
I’m so good.
1:59
It is such an honor to be one of if not your first guest on your word.
2:05
Amazing.
2:06
That’s so exciting.
2:07
I’m so excited.
2:08
Well, you were the first person to talk about this subject.
2:11
Like, I’ve had other guests on the podcast, but I knew I was like, based off her content and her energy, it feels really good to have you on the episode.
2:20
So thank you so much for just saying yes to being here on such short timing because we kind of pulled this off in the last week.
2:26
Yeah.
2:26
Oh my God.
2:27
It’s such a pleasure.
2:28
And I’m so glad that you wanted me on for this topic specifically.
2:32
Not because I have breast implants or anything, but it’s something that I, I don’t know, boobs have just been such a like theme in my life wanting them or like them getting in the way of stuff or like I grew up with a mom who got multiple breast implant surgeries.
2:47
And I also on the body, I love you podcast.
2:50
I interviewed someone who did struggle with breast implant illness and she was struggling heavily for years.
2:56
And what I realized in that interview and that conversation is that this is something that is not talked about nearly enough and something that so many people are struggling with.
3:02
So, truly, it’s an honor to be here.
3:05
Yeah.
3:05
Thank you so much.
3:06
I, I want people to start having these conversations more.
3:10
I think the breast implant, the breast implants is such interesting topic.
3:14
It’s not just about the breast implants, it’s not just about breast implant illness.
3:18
It’s just like, you know, I mean, I shared so much on the episode about my insecurities about it, like my insecurities with my body and how they came to life and how I, I decided to like, move forward with them and it just highlighted so many other wounds that I made that decision from if that makes sense, which I think is even a much, it’s such a big conversation just as much so with that being said, I would love for you to share like who are you?
3:41
What do you do?
3:42
How do you show up in this world and how do you work with?
3:45
I think women specifically, I don’t know if you work with men too, but if you, how do you work with humans on how to feel more confident in their bodies and more in love with their bodies?
3:54
Yeah.
3:55
So this has been such a project of love for such a long time.
3:59
I, I’m a life coach that’s, that’s kind of like the, the first title that I give to people.
4:04
And before I went specifically for coaching women around body image specifically, Yeah, I just kind of, I don’t know, floated around coaching everywhere.
4:12
I am.
4:12
Someone who struggles with depression and anxiety.
4:15
And it was after my first coaching, actually my second coaching certification that that really kind of came to a head.
4:21
It was like something has to change.
4:23
I have to do something about this, I almost quit coaching because I didn’t think that being a depressed coach was a thing.
4:29
I didn’t think I was like, allowed and it really was like leaning into, I don’t know, just like my shadows and my darkness because, because I know that those are the things that make me juicy and relatable.
4:40
I love when you used the word juicy earlier.
4:41
That’s why I like smiles because it’s, it’s just such a cool word.
4:44
But I, I created body.
4:46
I love you because I feel like this is a conversation that impacts everyone and to answer your question, I do work with women and I hope to one day work with all humans because this is something that impacts literally everyone with a body.
4:58
And I noticed that there was just, I don’t know, kind of a disconnect for me with what I saw on the internet or like social media and this is not dissing in any way, shape or form other coaches.
5:08
Everyone’s flavor of coaching is valuable to someone.
5:11
But I just noticed that there was something missing for me because I noticed there was a lot of like, you just gotta be grateful for your body and I’m like cool totally.
5:19
But I hate it.
5:20
I I don’t not so I don’t know how to just like magically snap my fingers and, and for that to happen, what I realized in my journey is there were a lot of steps to take before gratitude was even accessible to me and co created this course with a friend of mine.
5:36
And I’ll just kind of dive into vulnerability of the bank because that’s what I’m about.
5:40
And I know that that’s it.
5:42
Anything you want to share.
5:44
Yeah, it’s just if I’m being honest, this is a huge part of my story and how we got here.
5:49
But I was very good friends with a co and she also teaches dance fitness and twerking and, and all that stuff.
5:57
And during quarantine and COVID and stuff, she took her classes virtually.
6:02
So I, I kind of got to take them before that.
6:06
A few years ago, I had was a victim of sexual assault, had no idea how that was going to impact me and impact my relationship to my body merely to my partner, my relationship to sex and my own sexuality and sensuality.
6:21
I just, nothing could have, you know, prepared me for that.
6:24
For the longest time.
6:25
I had to like, really get to know my body again.
6:29
I had to like, learn my style again.
6:32
I was telling you Karina when we were chatting about this before, like, I’m always someone who, I don’t know.
6:36
I love like form fitting clothing.
6:38
I enjoy embracing my curves.
6:40
That’s fun for me.
6:41
And after this, I just like, it didn’t feel safe to dress like that anymore.
6:45
And I, I would change by myself with the lights off in the bathroom, like my fiance would just, like, be in the house.
6:51
It just, I was so uncomfortable having a body with my body feeling sexual in my body and I’m sure we’ll get to this in conversation.
6:59
But, you know, when women are curvier or have bigger boobs or bigger butts, that’s kind of something that we can’t really turn off and it’s sometimes it feels unsafe to feel inherently sexual for just existing in the skin that you’re in and that sucks.
7:13
That sucks a lot.
7:14
And in the healing process, there were so many times in doing these like dance, fitness classes because there’s sexy.
7:21
We’re learning sexy dances in these classes.
7:23
I’ve been, I love sexy dances.
7:25
I started, I started taking so I don’t know if you’ve heard of Madhouse in San Diego.
7:29
No, no.
7:30
Oh my God.
7:31
Girl, we got to go to go but I started taking them and it was truly meant to step into my sexuality, like being in my body, like step into my sexiness and like find what that rhythm looked like for me.
7:43
Yeah, that so I’m so happy and I’m most excited to hear that.
7:47
That was one of your initial steps in this journey of like finding your body again, through dancing and through sexy dancing and just twerking and just being like, I don’t know if you did floor work or any of that, but like, that’s so cool.
7:58
That, that was like the first step for you 100%.
8:01
And it was such an evolution.
8:02
It wasn’t like I did it.
8:03
I was like, oh, this feels unsafe.
8:04
Let me do it anyway.
8:05
There were a number of times I had to turn my camera off and I would sit in the corner hyperventilating because I’m like, I can’t even fucking dance.
8:12
How annoying that I can’t dance, how annoying that I like took this away from me and there was, there was finally session where I like did all the dance moves and I felt sexy, doing all the dance moves and that just that.
8:24
But I even shared this after the class.
8:26
I was like, I felt safe feeling sexy today and like, whoa.
8:30
And also it was just a virtual room filled with women and that felt really cool to feel safe, feeling sexy in front of other women.
8:37
And for like men to not wasn’t designed, it wasn’t for men.
8:41
And that felt weird and empowering in like this whole new way.
8:45
So we just, I don’t know.
8:47
Yeah, we, we kind of formulated this six week course of all these kind of non negotiable things that we thought were so important when it comes to falling unconditionally in love with your body and full disclosure.
8:57
We don’t talk about exercise, we don’t talk about dieting.
9:00
We don’t talk about any of that stuff.
9:02
We’re talking about learning how to communicate with your body, learning what it sounds like when your body is communicating with you and like, what does it look like to build that muscle moving forward?
9:12
We talk about boundaries and forgiveness and how to like, forgive yourself and other people and how to like set boundaries because that is a muscle that people need to learn.
9:20
We talk about vulnerability and shame and sex and intimacy.
9:24
And then we talk about gratitude and celebration because those are huge pieces of the, of the equation.
9:30
But for me, yeah, I just noticed there was so much work that I needed to do before I even entertained the idea of, of getting there.
9:37
So body, I love you.
9:38
We call it Billy for short is such a passion project of mine and I love it so much.
9:44
And since I got to, I got to train up three other coaches so that other people are able to facilitate it too.
9:50
And it’s just been such a a healing journey.
9:53
My mom actually took the course with other coaches and she loved it so much.
9:56
She took it twice, which is fred with and so many of my body image issue I got from my mom and watching my mom.
10:04
So it’s healed my relationship with her in more ways than I thought was possible.
10:09
It’s just, it’s the honor of my life coaching women through this journey.
10:14
For sure.
10:14
There’s so much I also, I mean, I can relate to that, especially the mom being like I, I definitely inherited a lot of my mom’s insecurities.
10:24
You kind of by all means, I know she listens to this podcast, like, I know she didn’t intentionally give those to me, which is the thing.
10:31
Like I know deep down, like, she wasn’t like I’m doing this so you can take this right.
10:35
Like at the time this first she was living in her own thing and I was just absorbing that experience.
10:41
Something else that you share that I thought was really important is like, especially especially when we were talking last week and kind of catching up about just this episode.
10:48
And you, you did share that with the classes that you took.
10:54
you kept showing up even though you didn’t feel safe and you kept putting yourself in a situation which would, you know, hopefully transcend into feeling body and feeling safe in your body.
11:03
And I can, I would love to hear a little bit about that because I can totally relate.
11:07
Like, especially with mine.
11:08
It wasn’t something that happened overnight.
11:10
It wasn’t something that like, I was just waiting one day to feel comfortable in, you know, and I lived at least personally for me, like I lived in this like one day I feel confident and the next day I feel like it would affect my whole mood and everything.
11:23
Like I would never feel like that.
11:25
And it took very dedicated intention to want to find that safety in my body to build that relationship with my body.
11:34
It wasn’t something that just like one day walked in the door and I was like, ok, it’s here forever.
11:39
And so it was like a constant practice.
11:42
And so I’d love to know about like, how was that for you as you were wanting to find your sexuality again, especially after the abuse?
11:50
Like how did you even get to a place of desiring that wanting that for yourself or committing to yourself about that?
11:57
Oh my God.
11:58
So many things.
11:59
The first thing that comes to mind when you ask that is I, when I was assaulted, I had had my coaching toolbox in my life.
12:07
Like I was a coach at that point, it wasn’t like all this stuff happened and then I, you know, tracked down a transformational path.
12:14
So it was, I, I think when people do transformational work or when they decide to do the work or work with a coach or a therapist or whatever it is, we do it with this intention of like my life is going to be so incredible and amazing.
12:26
And is that true for many people?
12:28
Yes.
12:28
Does that mean that terrible things aren’t gonna happen to you?
12:31
Absolutely.
12:32
Nobody is rid of that.
12:33
You know what I mean?
12:34
And it’s, but the thing is, is if I didn’t have the brain that I had or the tools that I had or the muscles that I had worked, so hard to strengthen how that all went down would have looked so different.
12:48
And I feel like there was a part of me that was fighting like hell for myself.
12:54
And that’s so weird to say because not only was I traumatized by what happened, but I, I’ve had depression since I was very young.
13:01
So it’s you better believe that trauma like that is triggering that and fighting like hell in a mind that is depressed.
13:07
Seems like such an oxymoron.
13:09
It’s like not something that happened but fighting like hell looked different every single day.
13:13
And like even with the the virtual classes, there was one time I remember this one time.
13:18
So well, I was like, before signing on, I was just crying because I’m like, I don’t wanna do this.
13:23
I don’t want it.
13:24
This doesn’t sound fun or cool.
13:25
This, none of this.
13:27
All of this sucks.
13:27
Like I don’t want to do any of this.
13:29
And I just remember for the whole class, I just logged in and I kept my camera off and I kept my microphone off and I didn’t even stand up to do any of that.
13:37
I just sat there staring at the screen watching all these other girls like get their groove on and I was crying the whole time and I don’t know there was just something in that moment that was like, this is what showing up looks like today and this is enough and that’s more than OK, like, look at you, like, look at what you’re doing.
13:55
I remember less than a month after I was calling in to get into waitlist to talk to therapists specifically trained for this.
14:02
And I literally remember hearing a voice in the background when I’m like, on hold for 45 minutes, which I don’t want to be scheduling this thing that I don’t want to schedule to talk about this thing that I don’t wanna talk about like it was just, it was, there was such a voice in my head that’s like, yep, all of this is actually mandatory for you to get on the other side of this.
14:21
Like, you know, more than anyone else.
14:23
You have to talk your shit through.
14:26
You have to do things about your stuff like you actually have to because you are committed to loving your life and loving your body and just like being and feeling free and in terms of the like feeling sexual and sensual that is oh God, an entire other story.
14:41
We could talk, we’ll, we’ll wait for another episode for that, but I want to be transparent.
14:47
I I wasn’t touchable for my partner for roughly eight months and bless his heart.
14:54
He never made me feel bad any way, shape or form about that.
14:59
He was, he was just such a supportive rock star but took time and patience and what showing up for myself looked a little different every day.
15:08
And it was really just about meeting myself where I was at and just doing the best that I could and sometimes that looked like these big grandiose things and sometimes it looked like sitting with my camera off just crying and just being there and that was extraordinarily valuable.
15:23
Well, I got a little emotional when you were saying that just because like, I can totally, thanks for sharing that because I can totally really like, I don’t think I’d be where I am with my body.
15:32
If I did not fight for myself, you know, like and fighting for yourself looks so differently to everyone else on the outside.
15:40
But you know what it looks like for you.
15:42
And that’s the only thing that matters, right?
15:45
Like no one needs to truly understand why you’re doing the things you’re doing or why you’re setting, why you’re working with this person in this way or why you decided to do it in this way.
15:54
Like all that it matters is that you’re fighting for yourself.
15:57
And so I can totally, totally resonate and feel that.
16:01
So thank you so much for sharing that.
16:03
And you know, it’s just so beautiful to see that you now help other people get to do that too.
16:10
It’s the coolest thing and to do so without mentioning, you know, like diet obsessed kind of mentality feels like a glorious act of rebellion.
16:20
It is extremely satisfying.
16:23
Oh My gosh, diet free.
16:25
Damn.
16:26
I love it.
16:26
I don’t even follow a diet.
16:28
I don’t care for diets.
16:29
I mean, it’s, it’s such a different place to come from a place of like body.
16:33
I love you.
16:34
Like, I love you the name of the program that you have because when you come from the place of like, I love my body like that, that love towards your body looks so differently.
16:43
It’s not like I’m doing this thing to fix you.
16:45
I’m not doing this thing to change you.
16:47
I’m not doing this thing to hide, to hide you.
16:50
I’m not doing this thing to compare you to something, right?
16:54
It’s so much more from a place of like, how can I take care of you?
16:57
What do you need right now?
16:58
What would help you?
16:59
You feel safe?
16:59
What kinds of foods make you feel good?
17:02
What kinds of foods make you feel energized?
17:04
What kind of clothing like gives you the the feeling of feeling great in your, in your body, right?
17:11
Like 100% and even just the the individualism of what you’re referring to, what kind of food make me feel good because Corina foods that make me feel good might not make you feel and vice versa.
17:23
And I think that people lose that over time.
17:26
We, I don’t know, we’ve just adopted this idea that health looks like one very specific thing and we’ve been scammed because it’s not true.
17:33
And the diets that were being advertised literally aren’t designed to last forever.
17:40
If you, if you take 15 minutes to do a little research, you’ll see that they’re literally not designed to.
17:46
We, we are being actively advertised for, for this thing that is supposed to give us this fix that we’re supposed to want for a short period of time.
17:55
And then a vast majority of people, not only gain the weight back, but a vast majority of people of those people actually gain back more weight than what they lost in the first place which just perpetuates this hamster wheel of a lifestyle of losing weight, hating yourself, getting so resentful for diets and just binging or, you know, whatever your flavor with Coke is.
18:17
Yeah, of coping.
18:18
Exactly.
18:19
And it’s just over and over and over again.
18:22
I know that you, I heard on you.
18:23
I don’t know too much about it, but I, on your podcast that I listened to you mentioned growing up with an eating disorder and I myself didn’t, you know, dabble in any one specific eating.
18:35
It was kind of, I don’t know, I, I experimented with a lot of things growing up.
18:38
My thing was more disordered eating of, I was a compulsive overeater used to go to Overeaters Anonymous for that.
18:44
I, I thought I was broken and unfixable and that did so many things and until it didn’t, I think that’s one of the things that I feel most excited to talk to you about today, which is how we do get so disconnected from ourselves.
19:00
And like before when we were talking about, where are you choosing from?
19:04
Any time?
19:04
I was trying to, to lose weight or look a specific way or, or whatever I was never choosing from because this feels like my most authentic.
19:12
So I was choosing from like because this is what will make me the hottest thing and the most lovable and this will make my mom proud and this will make all the boys want me and all the girls want me and you know, like it’s, there’s just kind of like we all just want to be loved and seen and heard and it shows up in just all of these different ways with us changing the way that we look and no judgment.
19:35
Everyone’s body is their own.
19:37
And I know that you are huge on that too.
19:38
I know that the topic of conversation here isn’t never get breast implants or if you have gotten them known you should be ashamed.
19:44
It’s not that at all, but it’s a valuable conversation to look.
19:49
Where was I choosing from?
19:50
Where am I choosing from?
19:52
What is this giving to me?
19:53
Getting curious about if it’s taking anything away from you?
19:56
Because I know that you mentioned too, like you’ve noticed, you notice things, you notice certain symptoms that maybe weren’t sitting right with you and that is a value that’s your body communicating with you.
20:05
I know, I don’t need to tell you that like that is highly valuable information to and something that I would like lean to from like choosing from that’s always been at like super helpful for me is like, how do I say this?
20:17
If I’m choosing from a place like choosing from a place of wounding or insecurity or wanting to look a certain way to prove something to someone else or what society comes up from.
20:31
Usually, I’m ignoring all of the stuff that comes along with that along the side.
20:37
And again, this is, I think it’s truly, I think, you know, the goal with body, I love you and which I love your freaking program and I’m not speaking for your program.
20:46
It’s just such a great line.
20:48
Thanks.
20:49
So it’s creating this healthy relationship with your body where your body is communicating with you.
20:54
Like you were saying, what do I need in this moment?
20:57
What feels good to me in this moment?
20:58
What’s the most authentic thing to me and the other things like societal expectations, what people think it looks pretty, what health looks like does not answer the questions of what your body needs, right?
21:12
Like when you were saying like, health doesn’t look a certain way.
21:15
I truly believe that.
21:16
But health does feel a certain way, like healthy feels good, like it feels nourished, it feels grounded, it feels authentic, it feels a lot, it doesn’t feel draining and any single time that I like if you, at least for me, like any time that I chose from a place of wounding, somehow I was left even more insecure.
21:39
Yeah, mely unhealthy.
21:41
My energy levels were all over the place my body was communicating to me.
21:44
All this other pain that I was not listening to.
21:48
And when I come from a place of like, what do you need?
21:50
My body’s like, thank you.
21:52
Yeah.
21:53
Yes.
21:54
And it’s you feel your body?
21:56
Thank you, which is a sensation that I’ve had a lot of trouble describing actually.
22:01
But it is this visceral thing that you are like in communication and in contact with.
22:08
And you said something of like choosing from wounding, which is so true.
22:14
And one of the things that I learned is that even just that concept of knowing that you’re choosing from learning dare I say that’s probably one of the more core layers of the onion.
22:23
I don’t think people are like I’m choosing from wounding like they, I realize that, yeah, 100%.
22:29
And I think the thing that, that kind of disguises itself as for so many people is like, this is just the way things are.
22:34
Of course, I’m trying to lose weight, everyone’s trying to lose weight, everyone wants to lose weight, everyone wants to look their best selves and we kind of looking your best self is synonymous always with losing weight.
22:43
Notice that interesting, but it’s we, it’s just so normalized and we say we do it in the name of health.
22:50
Yet there’s so many people whose bodies we idolize and they have straight up come out saying my diet is coffee and cigarettes.
22:59
Like I am not the epitome of health.
23:00
Like I’m probably not the thing there.
23:02
We’ve even had so many conversations in Billy or I’ve even had so many conversations in my personal life where like I, I remember this happened to me, I confronted a friend once in high school and other people have related to this but where you confront a friend and you’re like, hey, you know, I noticed that you’re losing weight at pretty rapid pace.
23:18
I just want to kind of check in with you and make sure you’re OK, like genuine concern and that’s received as like flattery like, oh my God, stop.
23:27
You think I look so skinny that you’re worried about me sick and like people get like flattered or like excited by that.
23:34
So again, we say we do it for health, but we’re willing to achieve it through wildly unhealthy matters.
23:41
And it just, it’s, it’s not true.
23:43
It’s just an another thing that it’s like, of course you’re, you’re doing this for your health, your health is worth investing in.
23:49
I think, I think that’s happening totally.
23:51
And I also think that’s a little bit of diet culture though.
23:53
Like that’s, oh, it’s all 100% like that’s kind of what I did.
23:57
I mean, when I talk about disordered eating or choosing my health from other things, like I counted macros because I wanted to look a certain way, but I wanted to look healthy and strong.
24:06
I did not saying that this is, it’s not bad that you’re doing any of these things.
24:10
That’s the other thing I wanna say like for any measure, for something like there’s nothing wrong.
24:13
If you count macros, there’s nothing wrong.
24:14
If you do vegan, there’s nothing wrong.
24:16
If you go vegetarian, there’s nothing wrong.
24:17
If you do the omni like carnivore diet, whatever diet you’re choosing, there’s nothing wrong with any of them.
24:23
It’s just, for example, for me, like I chose them because I thought they would make me look a certain way.
24:28
I chose them because I thought they would make me skinnier.
24:31
Like, especially when I went vegan or vegetarian.
24:34
Like I literally just, I was talking to a friend about this yesterday at the beach like I chose those diets because I want to look a certain way and I thought they were healthy and I mask it as like it’s healthy to eat vegan or you healthy to eat vegetarian.
24:47
And that’s how a lot of the diets persuade themselves is like this is the right way to eating.
24:51
Yeah.
24:51
And I chose it from a place of like, oh, it’s going to make me look skinnier.
24:55
Maybe I lose the weight that I need to lose or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
24:57
And at the end of the day, those diets specifically left me chronically lethargic quantity exhausted like my hormones got messed up and I kept googling them because society or Instagram or podcasts said that this is the way of eating versus trying to beat my body where it was at.
25:17
Like what did it actually need?
25:19
And when it comes to diets, like what I’ve learned in like styled eating like the way that just even like holistic support or not just support like specific supplements work for specific people based on your biological things that your body needs, right?
25:32
That your body needs.
25:34
Yeah, that your body like not anyone’s body.
25:37
And that is something it’s such a layer to peel that we’re starting to peel because if you can come from a place of what does my body need?
25:45
Oh, my liver is not working very well.
25:46
Ok.
25:46
So I need to eat prop like eat foods that support my liver or this and that to make me feel better because my body is going to feel more nourished and more supportive.
25:54
That’s coming from a very loving place.
25:56
But it’s very difficult to like navigate those thoughts unless you start to see them.
26:02
How do I say that when you start to wit is that there has to be another way.
26:05
I think that’s the other thing that I learned.
26:07
There was always this, this I had this voice in my other head that I was like, there has to be another way.
26:12
I can’t race this up and down.
26:14
Like, there has to be another way.
26:16
And I listened to that voice.
26:18
Yeah, there has to be another way.
26:20
And I didn’t think that there was a, I thought I was addicted to food and I would go weekly in a room with people who told me that I was addicted to food.
26:28
And that inherently Overeaters Anonymous, that there’s not like a right way to do it.
26:32
But there’s like a kind of like, w like, you should probably do it this way.
26:35
It’s like no, no carbs or very low carbs and like, no sugar is how Overeaters Anonymous solves their issues.
26:43
It’s they like, essentially, like, want you to go on this diet and I can’t.
26:48
So again, I would compulsively overeat and I would, and I’m not just talking about, I’m so stuffed I would eat until I couldn’t stand up straight on so many occasions.
27:00
And I, it was always because I was on some form of restrictive diet and I would get so over it and just so like, it would either be like, this isn’t working, meaning I’m not losing £10 a day.
27:15
, so annoying that I would just kind of ditch it or if I was succeeding, I was like the, the two week champion, I would like crush something for two weeks.
27:25
And then after that, I was like, not.
27:27
And,, after two weeks, I would just, I would really go for it and I would eat these foods that I wasn’t quote unquote allowed to eat.
27:36
And because I was in this brain space that like, I’m not allowed to eat this stuff today is the only day today is the only day I’m allowed to eat this stuff.
27:42
You better believe I’m gonna finish this entire pizza in one sitting and this entire tub of ice cream and all this stuff.
27:48
And it’s, it’s so interesting because I think something that is not introduced into the kind of like health sphere is the idea of what it looks like to enjoy sugar and what it looks like to enjoy carbs or whatever.
28:01
And one of my body I love you coaches, her name is Leah Horton.
28:05
She’s an, an anti diet health coach and she really has a help at every size kind of mission.
28:11
And I learned so much about intuitive eating from her and being a compulsive overeater and daring to jump into the intuitive eating world to say it’s terrifying is an understatement.
28:21
There’s no, you, you will, it’s so scary to take the rails off that you’ve convinced yourself for decades that you absolutely need.
28:30
And,, it was so scary to go to what I learned was everything that we’re putting in our bodies has some form of reaction.
28:37
And that’s not an emotional statement.
28:39
It’s science, you know, that like it’s literally set when I eat an orange.
28:43
Certain things happen in my body, when I eat sugar, certain things happen in my body like whatever.
28:47
And I am also human from planet earth who has had an entire lifetime where, yeah, I’ve, I’ve coped with fast food or I’ve coped with sugar or I’ve coped with pizza or whatever it is.
28:58
And I am actually where I’m at in my health journey right now, restricting myself of those things doesn’t serve me.
29:03
It actually hurts more than it serves me.
29:06
So it’s so interesting eating and feeling your body from that place because you just notice the impact.
29:12
I really love it last December because December is always such a shit show for people.
29:15
They’re like, nobody bring me the sweet treats and then they like have to eat it like someone’s forcing them to and then one turns into five and then you go down a shame spiral and then the same thing happens a day from now and I used to fully go down that shame spiral so much.
29:30
And I just, I would hate going to holiday parties because I would just think that people would look at my way and assume that I’m not doing well and I would just feel bloated and tired and sick and all this stuff.
29:40
And last December, I was like, ok, we’re intuitive eating now.
29:43
So if we see a sweet treat and intuitively, we want it go for that shit.
29:47
The only rule is you have to enjoy it if you’re not enjoying it, what the fuck is the point?
29:53
So like just enjoy it and cool and gravy.
29:55
And so I did that.
29:57
It was incredible and I loved it and truly everything that I ate was incredible and amazing and pure scientific putting my sides goggles on observation.
30:06
I noticed I had joint pain coming back and I noticed my energy levels were going down a little bit.
30:12
Those were, I think the two big things that I noticed.
30:14
So it was just again, not going from shame or judgment of like, oh here we go again.
30:19
Like of course, my body feels like should I have been eating all this sugar?
30:21
It’s really have this motto.
30:23
I read it on a meme like years and years and years ago.
30:26
Like anytime something happens, you just throw your arms up and you say how interesting and I just, I just would observe my body and how sugar was impacting it.
30:35
And it was just, it was such a how interesting comment.
30:37
Good to know when I eat this amount of sugar.
30:40
This happens and that ha this this happens.
30:42
That’s good information to know moving forward.
30:45
And I feel like when you do build that muscle where you’re communicating with your body are able to hone in on.
30:52
This makes me feel great.
30:53
This tastes delicious but makes me feel bloated the next day.
30:57
Good to know.
30:57
Just good to know information about that.
31:00
This makes me feel shitty.
31:01
Like it’s, it’s such a different conversation than what am I allowed to have?
31:05
What am I not allowed to have?
31:07
What’s on the plan?
31:07
What’s a cheat meal?
31:08
Like, none of that is in my vocabulary these days.
31:11
Which is so liberating.
31:12
I could scream about it.
31:14
Yeah.
31:14
No.
31:15
So glad that you brought up intuitive eating because that, I don’t.
31:19
Have you read the book Intuitive Eating by chance?
31:20
No, I haven’t.
31:21
OK.
31:22
So that, so that’s something that I went through too, very similar to yours.
31:27
Mine was a little bit different where like because I restricted myself for so many years, I struggled to give myself permission to eat as much as I wanted to eat.
31:37
And I had to learn that lesson like I would, I would go to the kitchen table, go to the kitchen and be like, well, I just had dinner.
31:44
Why do I want more food?
31:45
I’m going to go, go ahead and give myself more food.
31:48
And what I realized for restricting myself for so long, I didn’t even know what my limitations or my capacity for food was.
31:54
I couldn’t even tell you like, this is how much I should be eating.
31:57
This is how I feel full.
31:58
Would I not feel full?
31:58
And I just had to learn what it meant like to feel full like and what a concept, you know, but so many people can relate to that.
32:05
Yeah.
32:06
Like, I just vividly remember, like, holding myself back being, like, well, I just ate dinner.
32:10
I’m really, really hungry before bed.
32:12
Oh, it’s bad to be eating before bed.
32:14
I shouldn’t be eating before bed.
32:15
And I just had all of these restrictions that I had learned from the diets perceptive and I had to completely rewrite that recalibrate my system to what it meant to eat, to what my body’s capacity was.
32:30
And it was one of the most beautiful gifts.
32:32
And the other thing that I’ve learned, I don’t know if you’re anti that your friend that’s a coach that’s talking about.
32:37
That is also you said anti diet dietitian.
32:41
Yes.
32:41
Something that I learned from my natural pa.
32:43
When I started doing all this work, I also did the intuitive eating route and started doing this stuff.
32:47
I started working with the natural pa to help balance of my internal things.
32:51
And what I realized because of my yo y yo lo yo yo dieting situation, I created such an unbalanced balanced sugar that my glucose levels would go all over the place.
33:02
And when I actually needed food, my body was trying to find balance and it was crazy because my head was telling me like, oh, that’s bad.
33:10
You’re not supposed to be eating right now when my ba my body biologically was just trying to find balance because of the nature that I’ve let everything happen.
33:18
And this all goes back to what you were saying, like, how beautiful is it that now you can communicate with your body?
33:23
Now, I see that too.
33:24
Like, if I have sugar to a certain extent, I’m like, oh God, I have a headache.
33:27
I shouldn’t have done that or not because I should not have done the sugar, but because I just realized that my body’s not reacting.
33:33
Well, ok, I’m not going to eat as much next time or I should pair it with a fat or I should pair it with protein because my body feels good in that way.
33:40
And there is like all these little data points that I had to go through in order to recalibrate my relationship with my body, recalibrate my own system to understand what works for me.
33:50
And what doesn’t because the restrictions, the diets, the desire to look a certain way, control the narrative in our lives for so long.
34:00
And I didn’t know it was true anymore.
34:02
Oh My God, it’s so true.
34:04
And that’s such a good point.
34:05
And that, that’s something that I’ve learned from Leah as well.
34:07
Our body to your point creates balance, it creates homeostasis.
34:12
So if for extended time, you are putting your body through extreme dieting and then the opposite side of that coin, your body is actually going to be more inclined to hold on to that fat because it’s almost preparing for like, OK, you’re probably about to starve me again.
34:26
Like, yeah, we’re holding on to this fat because I don’t like being starved because like, I don’t need nutrients.
34:31
Like that is important.
34:32
And I think that’s one thing that my heart just melts too is like the bird you communicate with your body and kind of get just more intuitively connected with your body.
34:41
The more you learn that your body at any given second is doing literally tens and thousands of things to not only keep you alive but to keep you feeling like safe and regulated right now, like ka you like thousands of things.
34:58
Can everyone just listen to that for a second?
35:00
Your body is doing things for you.
35:02
Like that is the most important.
35:04
One of the most important lines, you just dropped this entire conversation and it’s, I think that’s the thing that makes me sound one of the things that I excite your gran and this is kind of like my bio that I share with people, but I operate on 50% passion likely help people heal and I’m 50% rage because I’m so I’m so mad that we’ve all been lied to for such long time.
35:25
Even just take like the like I would say, the number one thing that women with their biggest insecurity is their stomachs because we’re trained, especially in our generation, never mind, especially in every generation.
35:35
This is not like we’re not special for this reason, but we’re all supposed to want like flat tummies.
35:39
And so everything we do is like, melt the fat away or burn the fat away like we’re just trying to like, do whatever we can to get this fat away, which women actually carry more fat on their lower stomachs.
35:50
This is not, it’s not for everyone because nothing’s for everyone because everyone’s body is so different and that’s what makes this cute.
35:55
But when men tend to carry more fat on our lower because it literally acts as a, a pad of protection for our reproductive organs.
36:04
That is a natural healthy patch of fat that is there for a purpose.
36:11
And so many people have been trained for so many decades.
36:14
Like, no, no, it’s bad.
36:15
Get that out of there.
36:16
It’s not attractive.
36:17
You should be embarrassed to looking tight with that when it’s like this is literally a shield of armor.
36:22
If you want to look at it that way.
36:23
This is my shield of armor and you’re gonna tell me that it’s lovable.
36:27
Fuck you.
36:29
Yeah.
36:29
I learned so many things about human bodies and I just realized like, oh my God, we’ve been lied to for such a long time for the dumbest reasons for money and greed and the male gaze and it just as we unsubscribe, you know, like we’re just not, we’re just not doing it anymore.
36:46
I Taobao.
36:47
Yeah, I Yeah, I ta be Yeah.
36:50
No, I think it’s, I mean, there’s just such another conversation about that, like, living.
36:54
So my boyfriend is a naturopathic.
36:56
He’s going to school to become a naturopathic doctor, which I’m really excited about.
36:59
But he’s also of nutritionists and a health coach and stuff like that.
37:02
And there’s, he has the picture of this is the crazy part.
37:06
Not that it actually matters, but like, I think the seventies or the sixties when women looked so lean and like, and they ate whatever they wanted.
37:14
And Nick always talks about, it’s like almost like sugar and carbs are good for you.
37:18
And it’s, he says it as if like, there’s nothing wrong with all these foods.
37:22
Like these foods are actually meant to be supportive to our bodies.
37:26
Like we need sugar, we need carbs, we need fruit.
37:29
That’s one fact that fruit is a big one.
37:32
I remember I used to being so scared of fruit because Hans and I was like, fruit has so much sugar.
37:36
I can’t be drink, eating fruit.
37:38
And literally my friend the other day is working with my boyfriend and she was having trouble sleeping at night and he was like, you should add fruit more fruit to your diet.
37:47
She started sleeping well because her, her liver needs more fruit to be able to process the things and it’s just things like that over and over and lessons now that I’m opening myself up to like, what does my body actually need?
37:59
What makes me feel the most optimal.
38:02
All the things that I have been told were not good or we put in a situation of this is what’s going to quote unquote, make you look a certain way or be better for you because of marketing and other BS was wrong.
38:17
Like wasn’t supportive.
38:19
I wouldn’t say they were wrong, but I’m going to say that they weren’t supportive and they weren’t what my body actually needed.
38:24
But something I want to make sure we highlight because we’ve, we’ve talked about a few tools already.
38:29
We’ve talked about the intuitive eating, which if anyone hasn’t listened.
38:32
I mean, the book, the intuitive eating book is a great guide.
38:35
Like there’s literally like step by steps that someone can do on their own to go start eating intuitively.
38:40
That book was that book Saved my life.
38:42
I swear by it.
38:42
It’s great.
38:43
It also talks just not how to, how to coach, like even your kids, like how to honor how much they want to eat and how their bodies eat because you can experience like your mom or dad saying like you have to eat all this food today and that’s actually for willing.
38:58
That’s not helpful either.
38:59
And so the book kind of walks through all of that, which I think is awesome.
39:03
Another, I just would love to hear what other tools would be supportive to someone that doesn’t feel comfortable in their bodies today that finds themselves wishing that their body looked a certain way or finds themselves just hiding in any situation, whatever room they go in, they want to be the smallest they don’t want to be seen.
39:23
They don’t want to be looked at in a certain way.
39:26
You know, they’re just hiding what could be some things that they could implement into their lives today to truly support them and at least shifting a little bit.
39:35
I would say there’s two big things to me that stand out.
39:38
The first one being what you’re describing when we’re like suffering in silence, that is shame and shame can Renee Brad, I think says something along these lines, Shane.
39:49
Shame.
39:49
Every time I say shame, I end up saying Shane and it looks like I just fucking hate some guy named Shane and I’m just talking shit on him all the time.
39:56
It’s so funny to me, who the fuck is Shane?
39:58
Just kidding.
39:59
Like, oh shame, shame can only exist in the darkness.
40:03
Shane hates to be talked about the second we like shed any sort of light on shame.
40:08
We, we out we take away its power.
40:11
So I think so much of what keeps us feeling so lonely and isolated and just defeated when it.
40:18
So this conversation is the shame aspect.
40:21
I would say the number 11 of the number one things is healing out loud.
40:25
And when I say that, I mean, healing in partnership with other people, whether that means doing a course online or hiring a coach or even if you want to, like, buddy up with a friend and you guys wanna, you know, prep, I don’t know, something I think healing out loud and being out loud about it says so much about your intention and that’s, I think exactly what makes heal out loud so scary.
40:49
Right?
40:50
Is because, like, say something out loud, you’re making it known to the universe and then it’s kind of like this.
40:54
Well, yeah, but what if I biff it again?
40:56
That would be so embarrassing.
40:58
So we tend to like, keep things inside more, but there’s no, there’s no biffing it in this conversation.
41:04
There’s no failure.
41:05
You have the rest of your life to practice this stuff.
41:07
There’s no right or wrong way to do it.
41:09
This is also a linear path.
41:11
You have your days, you have your down days, part of it, you are going to have days where you feel great in the skin that you’re in and days that you do not feel that way.
41:19
The cool amazing win that is, you know what I mean?
41:23
But that is to be expected again.
41:25
There’s no failing when it comes to this conversation.
41:28
So long as you are, like we said earlier, are showing up for yourself.
41:33
The second thing I would say and this is a tool that’s a pretty big staple body.
41:38
I love you and there’s a body, I love you podcast episode.
41:40
About this too.
41:41
But it’s something that I call the second thought exercise.
41:44
And I talked about it as much as I do because it’s laughably simple, but also super just valuable when it comes to shifting your thoughts.
41:54
The thing that I, I don’t know, whatever you’re gonna feel, however you’re gonna feel diet culture has literally brainwashed into feeding our bodies in a certain way and intentionally trained to, when we look at our reflection of the mirror, we are picking out flaws and we are investing, investing in changing them rather than actually genuinely liking or even just appreciating what we see.
42:18
So again, you have been intentionally actively trained since the day you were born with all of these things that fuck up your body image and your body.
42:27
So de brainwashing yourself or unlearning those things or learning a valuable thing.
42:34
And so the second thought exercise comes from this place of like you’re not responsible for your first thought.
42:40
So like let’s say you, you look at yourself in the mirror, you notice your double chin.
42:44
We hear a lot of double chin complaints and you’re like, oh that double chin is sick, you’re not responsible for that first thought.
42:50
That thought’s actually not your workers.
42:52
You are trained to believe that thought over time and all the advertisements and things that you’ve heard your peers say.
42:58
So that thought is not yours.
43:00
Question that you get to ask yourself is, is a second thought that I would rather believe instead, like what is, what is, what world would I rather live in, in that world?
43:11
What do I actually believe about my chin?
43:14
And this is the part where you really get to meet yourself where you’re at because some people have it within them to be like my chin is so cute and it’s beautiful and I have my mom’s chin and, but I know for some people that they’re not gonna be able to get there, in which case, you can literally generate a neutral thought of.
43:28
Like this is a human chin.
43:30
That’s a fact.
43:30
This is a chin.
43:32
But I’m sure you can hear that this is a chin is way more empowering than a double chin.
43:37
I my face, you know what I mean?
43:40
Oh, it’s really this exercise of acknowledging your first thought, acknowledging that it doesn’t belong to you and then really just generating a thought in its place of what would actually serve, what would actually be fun to believe, what would actually be empowering to believe.
43:58
And the last thing I want to say about that tool and it’s kind of like a, a sneaky little mid step.
44:03
But whatever your first is, it’s not there because it hates you or it’s not there because you hate yourself.
44:09
You believe that thought because you want to be accepted and that’s actually quite sweet.
44:15
You know what I mean?
44:16
Like it’s, you were trained at some point in time that having a double chin is not desirable and not being desirable is scary.
44:21
And that means you’re not lovable and all these things.
44:23
So it’s literally your brain trying to be like we want to be loved and accepted and feel like we belong.
44:29
Therefore, we shouldn’t have a double chin.
44:31
It’s trying to protect you.
44:33
And I think viewing that through the lens of empathy and compassion versus shame is such a big game changer.
44:43
So if anyone wants AAA full download on that exercise, there’s, there’s an episode of it.
44:49
But, but those are, I would say that the kind of starter starter kit focus on these things and just keep going literally just going.
44:57
Like I said, you have the rest of your life, your body forever.
44:59
You’re gonna need to practice this for as long as you have a body.
45:01
So like you got time, you know, there’s still time, there’s a lot of time for that.
45:05
I love.
45:06
Those were all so good.
45:07
I really, I really loved like identifying the shame.
45:10
I think that’s where people get stuck so deeply in the spirals.
45:13
They don’t realize that they’re shaming themselves.
45:15
They’re getting hard on themselves.
45:16
Shame is one of the biggest ones.
45:18
But when you start to heal out loud, which that’s an incredible line.
45:21
Like you start putting it out there, but there’s also a sense of like they’re no longer just within me.
45:27
You know, and you can like, yeah and talking to your friend about it like it’s so healing once you can just put it out there.
45:34
It’s scary as fuck.
45:35
I’m not saying it’s not scary.
45:37
It is terrifying sometimes to say like this is true but there is this sense of like I said it, you know, you might have some emotional vulnerability hangover afterwards, but it’s worth it.
45:48
And then that that practice that you gave us is just such a good practical tool to acknowledge the first thought as is and then choose another thought that serves you.
45:58
So, yeah, if anyone wants to listen to those, you can totally listen that to body.
46:01
I love you.
46:01
I think that would be on the body.
46:03
I love you podcast so you can just look at that directly.
46:06
But yeah, I feel like this has been such an incredible conversation.
46:12
Sydney.
46:12
Is there anything else that you want to share with anyone else listening to the podcast episode?
46:16
And then I would love for you to share, how can someone connect with you?
46:20
And if there’s anything that’s coming up that they could jump on, if they would be interested in starting to just start loving their bodies and starting sending some time to fight for themselves.
46:31
Yeah.
46:31
I think the first thing that I really want your listeners to hear is for that thing or those things, whatever that is about your body that you’d feel ill insecure about you’re so normal.
46:45
Yes.
46:45
Even that thing like whatever, like wherever your brain goes of like this thing is.
46:50
Yep, it is, you are so normal.
46:53
The only thing that makes you feel not normal is the fact that we don’t talk about this shit and we’re here right now because we’re talking about it.
46:58
Whatever your thing is, you are so fucking normal, please just know that the best place.
47:04
Well, first of all, Corina, if you ever want to invite me back, I feel like having a conversation around the male gaze and body expectations and boobs and all that stuff.
47:13
I think it’s such an important.
47:15
Maybe they’ll even invite you on to my podcast we and chat about that because I feel like that.
47:19
It’s, it’s such a huge slice of this conversation as well as I’m sure 17 other themes that we didn’t get to tackle.
47:27
There’s like so many other ways you could talk about this.
47:29
I mean, this is just, but this, I think these are, these are the seeds to get the part conversation started, you know, and I think this is where we get to talk about it from all different angles, you know, and different perspectives.
47:41
I would love for you to come back on any time on the podcast if you want to have me on.
47:44
That’s also great.
47:45
I’m here for that.
47:47
Beautiful.
47:47
Hell, yeah.
47:48
Love it.
47:49
People can find me on Instagram.
47:52
I’m probably on my personal Instagram more than anything else.
47:55
And that handle is my coach Sy Syd body.
47:58
I love you.
47:59
Also has an Instagram spelled exactly as it sounds if you want to head to body, I love you dot com.
48:04
We have free resources.
48:05
We have all of our information.
48:07
You can get to the podcast.
48:08
That way if you want to send for our email chain, I send out a weekly love letter from your body, which is just a cool thing that we’re not used to seeing, you know, in boxes and they’ve been so fun to write.
48:19
So let me know if you want to end on that.
48:21
We do have a, we’re calling it Billy Bingo written by your cool auntie.
48:26
We’re trying to challenge people in the month of December.
48:29
I just know that it can be such a challenging time for people for such a vast number of reasons, especially when it comes to like body image stuff and self characters can feel so defeating.
48:39
So we’re gonna have a bingo challenge going for the month and it’s just fun things.
48:44
Some of the things are gonna push you out of your comfort zone.
48:45
Some of the things are simple self, things, some are things that are like tips and tricks of, you know how to cry yourself or carry conversations or whatever.
48:53
It’s just gonna be so fun.
48:55
But yeah, after the, after the New Year, we’re going to have a social hour where we can just kind of like chat about what the bingo created for you and just all the challenges.
49:04
And if you get bingo, you’re entered into a raffle to win a one on one session with one of our body at Love you coaches to really kind of plan out your 2024 or truly whatever request you have to bring to the situation, the sky is the limit.
49:19
And for anyone who might be interested in body, I love you.
49:22
Like I said, check out our website and we have new groups launching late January and late February, which I’m so excited about.
49:29
So, yeah, hope to hope to see you guys around.
49:32
All right, Mila, I’m jumping in here real quick to tell you about the fully expressed community because the women that are in this group are phenomenal.
49:41
And if you’re listening to this and you’re a lady, a female or know someone that is female or a lady that is on this path of growth and wanting to continue to evolve as a human being and find their fullest authentic expression in their relationships in their life and their business and relationships and want to be surrounded by a community of women that are dedicated to doing the work themselves.
50:04
I want you in this community.
50:05
I want to invite you into this community.
50:08
I really think that being surrounded by other women that are on the same path that just get you that just totally understand where you’re coming from or where you’re going or where you want to go and wherever that path is and create such a safe space for you to be held in that and encouraged in that is so important for our healing.
50:25
If you find yourself feeling an ounce or a Sprinkle of anxiety or overwhelmed or just uneasiness with the thought of being in a group container about talking about very vulnerable things.
50:37
I just want to encourage you and remind you that I totally understand.
50:41
I totally get it.
50:43
It can be edgy, it can be scary to open yourself in that way.
50:47
But in doing so, you end up creating so much more healing.
50:51
I’ve had some of the biggest breakthroughs being in containers that can hold me and being surrounded by other women that are also on this path because I feel like I’m seen and understood.
51:02
And so I truly want to invite you into giving it a chance.
51:05
I’m also offering one month free if you leave a review of the podcast and then you will get access to the next second Wednesday to join us.
51:16
So go ahead and leave a review and I will send you the invitation to see you.
51:21
So you can actually get a taste of what it feels like to be within the community.
51:24
Again.
51:25
Come join us in the muffly expressed community where you only don’t hear from myself and get teachings and somatic practices and meditations and guiding and network nervous system regulation.
51:35
But you also get to learn from renowned practitioners, healers, coaches, et cetera that are doing the thing in this world.
51:44
And they have gifts to share with you about what is available to you and you get to take that and crack the code for yourself and how that applies to your life and how that applies to your relationships and how that applies to your business and your brand, your career, et cetera.
51:58
Because for all of us women, I really do envision a world not only for the betterment of ourselves, of why we live on this earth, but as well as our community as our collective as the human being, a human population really bringing an opening arms to the woman that is fully expressed that is living in her power that is so confident and bold and as well as such in her feminine and vulnerable and soft and open to creating that space.
52:29
And so here we’re going to be surrounded by other women that want that and that create that and have this burning desire to be on that path.
52:36
So come join us, leave a review if you want join for the next one for free.
52:40
And I hope to see you there.
52:42
I think anyone that’s listening if you’re open to, I think one of the things that helped me get to a place of like feeling free and fully expressed.
52:49
My body was putting myself in containers similar to what you’re creating was looking for opportunities that made me feel uncomfortable, was looking for something that would keep me accountable in being uncomfortable and doing the scary edgy things because that’s where I ended up creating.
53:04
I mean, I talk about this nervous system regulation and somatics perspective, but it created capacity for me to be able to step into.
53:11
And I think the bingos and the the containers that you’ve created like, truly give us an opportunity to meet our edge in ways that we don’t know that we needed and that we get to experience.
53:24
So I’m so excited that you’ve created just programs like that.
53:28
And I just want to say thank you so much for coming on to the podcast.
53:32
Thank you so much for being like fully expressed as yourself and just creating a guide for women to start to feel more confident in their bodies so that they can start living a life more fully expressed through their bodies and in so many different ways from like confidence to sexuality.
53:49
I mean, these tools can impact you on so many levels and I think it’s so important to recognize that it’s possible.
53:55
Yeah.
53:56
Thank you so much.
53:57
I really, really appreciate that and thank you so much for everything that you’re doing for your community.
54:01
Even just sharing your story and being vulnerable out loud has wild healing power.
54:06
So I just really, really commend what you’re up to.
54:09
Thank you.
54:09
I appreciate, I appreciate you.

Full TranscriptWelcome to the Fully Expressed podcast with Karenna.
0:03
Wow.
0:05
I am truly blown away by the feedback that I received from getting my breast implants removed and, and the amount of love that I’ve received from everyone regarding getting my breast implants removed.
0:22
Like truly like, thank you for everyone that has reached out.
0:26
Thank you for anyone just that took the time to listen to the previous episode.
0:30
It has shown me that I’m not alone.
0:33
It has shown me that I have a lot of love in this community and on social media and that I’m really not the only one going through this.
0:42
I think what’s interesting is that I received so much feedback in regards to that and a lot of feedback about how inspiring it is that I am so comfortable in my body and that how much work I’ve done on my body and how much I love my body.
1:02
And that is something I didn’t really think was going to come through.
1:06
But clearly a lot of people that were listening to that episode receive that as well.
1:11
And you know, I know what it feels like to not feel comfortable in some in your own body.
1:16
I know what it feels like to constantly compare your body, other people’s bodies.
1:20
I know what it feels like to feel like.
1:22
Look a certain way that you wish you were skinnier that you had a bigger butt or they had bigger boobs or that you have this and that and the journey of getting there for me was a lot, a lot of work, a lot of intentional work.
1:36
a lot of commitment, not just praying.
1:38
That one day I was going to wake up in love with my body.
1:41
It really didn’t work that way.
1:42
So for today’s episode, I’m gonna focus specifically on what and how I’m doing and what, yeah.
1:49
So what I’m doing and how I’m doing, getting ready for surgery.
1:53
So what I’m doing to prepare, how I’m preparing and what that actually looks like.
1:57
And then I also want to share that, you know, the, the following episode is going to be around loving your body.
2:04
I’m going to invite a very special guest onto the podcast to talk about what that journey is to fall in love with your body.
2:11
What are the kinds of things that you can do to start falling in love with your body?
2:15
And what does that actually look like?
2:17
Just because of the feedback that I’ve received.
2:19
But for today’s episode, I really, really want to dive into and share with you what am I going to be doing preparing for my explant surgery coming up in two weeks.
2:29
because I think it’s important to know I’ve done so much research on just breast implant illness as well as just surgeries and preparing.
2:38
And now that I know so much about even like surgery trauma, like I’ve heard and please, this is just me hearing, like, please go validate your sources or do your own research.
2:50
But I’ve heard that the body, I mean, if you haven’t heard the body keeps the score, so our bodies end up keeping a lot like basically notes of any kind of trauma that we’ve ever experienced emotional trauma, physical trauma, et cetera.
3:04
And there is such thing as surgery, trauma because if you think about it, right, you’re going into a space where your body is under anesthesia and your body doesn’t have control or is witnessing what is happening to you but cannot really say yes or no to what’s happening and your body is going through surgery, it is getting cut open.
3:29
Things are mo people are moving around, you’re touching it in a certain way.
3:33
Like, and I’ve heard that especially for people that have done numerous amount of, so I’ve gotten numerous amounts of surgery on their body.
3:42
Do you have a lot of trauma within the body?
3:44
The body holds on to that.
3:46
And so thinking about that and knowing that for myself, I’ve been really, really taking the surgery really seriously.
3:53
And so I hope this episode is just gonna give you some key things that you could think about for your any kind of surgery and especially for your breast implant surgery.
4:00
Because I want my body to feel safe.
4:03
I really want my body to feel safe for healing.
4:05
I want it to feel like it’s in a parasympathetic state, which basically means that I want my body to be in a rest and digest state.
4:14
I don’t want my body to be stressed.
4:17
I don’t want my body to be in fight or flight.
4:19
I really, really want to be with my body.
4:23
I want my body to feel as good as I can going into surgery, as calm as I can and creating as much calmness, post surgery and not being stressed out because that’s a whole another level to all of this is really also post surgery.
4:41
I have to put myself in such a healing state.
4:43
So the very first thing that I’m doing and I’ve made sure to do is that November and December are not going to be very stressful months for me.
4:52
I have intentionally created a lot of space this month, not gonna put myself in situations where I’m gonna over exert myself.
4:59
I’m gonna try and put myself in as much healing state.
5:03
I’m gonna be surrounded by people that feel very coming to me.
5:07
I’m going to make sure my calendar isn’t fully fully booked.
5:13
So I’m in fight or flight or running from one thing to the next right before surgery.
5:17
That is the last thing that I wanna do for my body.
5:22
And so that’s the first thing.
5:23
And then the second thing that I’ve been doing is emotionally making sure that I am releasing any kinds of emotions that may have come up.
5:32
And as I shared in the previous episode, I’ve basically gone through the freaking initiation of this healing journey that’s coming up a year ago.
5:41
Like when I decided that I wanted to get my breast implants removed, I already started the healing journey.
5:46
Things already started coming up for me that triggers the mirrors.
5:50
I mean, everything.
5:51
So in those moments, I really made sure to welcome my partner into the conversations that involved him.
5:59
I started to openly talk about it with my friends that are close to me.
6:03
And then I started to really practice a lot of my somatic practices whenever emotions would come up in securities.
6:11
I mean, grieving a previous body of mine, the way that I’ve looked for the last 10 plus years, like I’m 31 years old and I got these done when I was 20.
6:22
And so a lot of my identity or a lot of what I connect with are these boobs and I’ve already had to be with what that actually looks like.
6:34
And the other thing is when I’m somatic and losing any of these emotions and what does that actually look like?
6:40
Like I will feel into the emotions and identify that.
6:44
For example, if my mind is spiraling, that means that my body is feeling something in my body.
6:50
And so I tend to break myself into my body.
6:52
And then I realize that I’m either holding some kind of emotional energy and either my throat, my chest or my belly or my upper back.
7:00
And I’ll identify that and I’ll bring my attention to that place.
7:04
And then when I bring my attention that place, it basically heightens that air and I allow myself my breath to bring into there.
7:11
And then as I bring my attention to there, I tend to either get very emotional.
7:16
I can either get angry or frustrated or sad, depending on what I’m working through at the time.
7:22
And I allow myself in that space to actually process those emotions.
7:27
And so if I’m a, if I’m sad, I’ll let myself cry.
7:30
If I’m grieving, I’ll let myself grieve.
7:33
If I’m angry, I’ll use my anger practices, which I have an episode coming up here.
7:39
You guys can listen to my anger practices to help me process any of the anger that I’m feeling because one of the things that has truly come up and I’ve shared this on the last episode.
7:47
If you didn’t think about it, there’s a lot of anger towards myself for one for getting the breast implants in the first place.
7:54
All right, ladies, if you are listening in, this is for you.
7:58
If you have a friend or family member that is female, that is looking for community that is looking at this path of growth and wanting to evolve as a human being.
8:10
Please listen in.
8:12
So I want to share with you the fully expressed community.
8:15
If you haven’t heard about it, you need to hear about it and you’re hearing about it today and I’d love for you to check it out.
8:21
The fully expressed community is for women, supporting women.
8:25
We have created a community where you can connect with other women that are also on this path of growth that are interested and curious about what else is available to them.
8:34
They want to see themselves living a life, they express in their lives and their relationships and their business.
8:40
They bring their fully authentic self into all areas of their life so they can actually attract a life and relationships and careers and business that is so aligned to them because they are living a life fully expressed in the fully expressed community.
8:56
We meet online every single second Wednesday of every single month at 5:30 p.m. PST and also have access to a Slack channel where I drop resources where we share information, we talk about the community, we create community.
9:11
You also get access to not only the guest coaches that have been on this podcast, but also guest coaches that I have kept waiting to show you what they have to share with you when it comes to their teachings and their practitioners.
9:22
And they’re only gonna listen from me, but you’re also gonna learn from these amazing human beings that are available to you out there and here to share their gifts with you so that you can live a life fully expressed.
9:33
The fully expressed community is only $27 a month.
9:37
And if you leave a review on this podcast, I will actually give to you one month to come join us for free in the fully expressed community to actually experience what it means to be in this community and these women.
9:51
So if you go leave a review for me, I’ll go do that.
9:54
You could also find more information in the show notes about the fully expressed community and I hope to see you there next month, the next second Wednesday that is available to you to be surrounded by other women that just freaking get it that just get what you’re going through.
10:09
I’ll see you there.
10:11
Like I think about a how expensive it is to get breast implants and how expensive it’s been to get these exp plants removed.
10:19
And it’s such an expensive lesson.
10:22
And also like I get really upset with the fact that I I decided to get the breast implants from an insecurity and wanting my body to feel look a certain way.
10:31
And I get so hard on myself for getting hard on myself for the way that I looked.
10:36
And a lot of those parts of me just want to be present and I allow them to be present and allow myself to move through them.
10:43
But by emotionally regulate, allowing myself to process the emotions, it’s helping my system regulate.
10:48
It’s helping my body not hold on to any of the emotions that I have about this experience.
10:53
And that’s really important me going into surgery.
10:56
Something that I’ve learned in the last year of doing a lot of research is that our scars hold on to the emotional state that we’re in when we get those scars.
11:07
And so the biggest thing that I keep thinking about is I, I know I’m gonna have scars and I know there’s gonna be emotions associated with those scars.
11:15
So I want to support myself in preparing to not hold on to maybe as many emotions that it might be digged into my scars.
11:24
I also know that the scars are as I start to heal them, post surgery and work through them and massage them can also hold on to a lot of emotions and so on.
11:34
So that’s one thing that I’ve been truly trying to do.
11:38
And if I feel called, I might end up having some kind of somatic session with a practitioner or so, just to make sure I’m releasing anything else that I’m holding on to and now for the physical stuff.
11:52
So the types of things that I’m doing to get myself into a more of a parasympathetic state for surgery.
11:58
I’ve been seeing chiropractors.
12:00
So I’ve been getting chiropractic sessions and getting my system aligned, my muscles aligned my muscles in the s in the right places, my joints, my bones, all the things.
12:10
So my body is in Aaron, but this is fake.
12:13
I want my nervous system to feel comfortable in my body.
12:17
And if my body is out of alignment, if my muscles aren’t feeling good, that’s going to add to stress to my body and my body is not gonna be in a healing state.
12:25
So I’ve been seeing a chiropractor.
12:27
The other thing too is like with breast implants, I have noticed that my back, I tend to ha I don’t have the best posture.
12:34
It’s really hard for me to do that, open myself up because I got the breast implants underneath the muscle.
12:39
And so I already know that my breast implants are affecting my muscles of my upper body.
12:45
I can feel it in my hands.
12:46
I can feel it in my grip strength.
12:48
I could feel it in my upper body strength.
12:50
And so truly trying to get my body into alignment.
12:53
So once these babies come out, my body can just find itself again, right?
12:57
I can find myself into alignment.
12:59
I do plan to go to the chiropractor probably no earlier than a month or six months or six weeks after the surgery to go.
13:10
Keep getting realigned and make sure that my body is healing in an aligned state that’s really important.
13:15
And then the next one that I’m gonna be starting this month is acupuncture right before the surgery and post surgery.
13:23
So, acupuncture is a Chinese medicine.
13:26
It helps move your chi, it helps move the blood flow, it helps your organs really get.
13:30
And it also, you know, right before surgery, it increases endorphin levels which can alleviate any adequate surgical pain.
13:39
So I really want to leverage as much as possible.
13:43
So I’m not feeling as much surgical pain, post surgery.
13:46
It also just helps decrease any anxiety.
13:49
It helps me regulate my nervous system.
13:51
It just, it really brings me into a very paralympic state set at stake if you’ve ever gotten acupuncture, you know, I always feel so calm during it and I wanna make sure that I just feel very calm.
14:02
I mean, you can get where I’m coming from post surgery.
14:05
I will also be getting acupuncture to help blood flow.
14:08
I’m gonna help it directly move and circulate and promote circulation and reduce the swelling around the scars that are gonna be helping in my body.
14:17
And then I’m also wanna use it as a way to get my organs working properly.
14:23
And so something that I’ve learned with breast implants as obviously, they can, breast implant, illness is basically your body reacting to a foreign object and your immune system having a reaction to that.
14:37
And the other thing that I’ve learned is that by having breast implants in it blocks a lot your detox pathways and what’s really, really important.
14:49
And so with the acupuncture I’m hoping and knowing that it’s going to promote the detox and supporting my body to detox and open up.
14:58
But in more addition to that, one of the biggest things that I’ve noticed with breast implants is that my lymphatic system doesn’t work very well.
15:06
So like I don’t sweat as well as I used to.
15:09
And that’s really in the body to actually sweat.
15:12
Sweating means that my body is detoxing and it’s releasing anything within me.
15:16
So sweat is really good and I didn’t know that.
15:20
And so I will also be getting lymphatic drainage massages.
15:23
My goal is to get a total of five.
15:25
I’m gonna get one right before the surgery to help my body start to open up and lymphatically drain.
15:32
I also do a lot of dry brushing in my day to day.
15:35
So I’m gonna double down my double brighter dry brushing before the surgery and post surgery along with the lymphatic drainage massages.
15:42
The lymphatic drainage massages are a very specific technique to help the lymphatic drain and the specific practitioner that I go to and have been going to over the last years, he uses sesa sesame seed oil, which is also a detoxing oil and it helps pull any of the toxins that are in your body directly out of your body.
16:05
And I actually, but I love working with him because there is a towel that I lay on and I can literally see all of this shit, all of his toxins come out of my body onto the towel.
16:14
So I’m gonna be doubling down on that one because even just during surgery, we tend to swell up.
16:19
So it’s important to do that.
16:21
And so I do have my goal is to go weekly for, for a month after surgery.
16:27
That is my intention, which I’m really excited about.
16:31
And the guy that I go to, if you guys live in Orange County, you have to see him.
16:35
He’s gonna be, he’s currently in sync money.
16:37
He’s gonna be moving to Newport and he does come to San Diego every once in a while.
16:41
He’s just so good.
16:43
Some lymphatic massages that I’ve gotten, just feel like not the best.
16:48
And this guy is just so good.
16:49
So if you ever need someone, let me know.
16:51
And then from a diet perspective, I already do eat like this.
16:55
So it’s really difficult for me to add more to it.
16:58
But I’m gonna cut back on eating out for the next couple of months to kind of control this.
17:02
So I, I am gonna eliminate high inflammatory foods.
17:06
So no seed oils, no processed sugars or carbs, no gluten or dairy.
17:13
And I already nick and I eat like this.
17:15
We eat so clean in our home.
17:16
We don’t, we don’t buy processed foods.
17:18
We make sure none of our foods has seed oils in them.
17:21
We try our best not to eat processed sugars and carbs.
17:24
But you know, we like an 8020 split sometimes when we go out we enjoy and we don’t, we don’t care about what seed oils are in the food or which sugars are in the food if we’re getting dessert, like we’re diving in.
17:36
But, but because I’m going into surgery, I wanna make sure that I’m not eating as inflammatory foods.
17:43
So I’m going to make sure that we’re not eating out as much this next two weeks before surgery, or if I do eat out, I’m gonna find a restaurant and I have a couple of restaurants here that follow the diet that I’m talking about.
17:57
And then lastly this product that I’m gonna be taking, it’s called Asia, which Asia, if you haven’t heard of Asia Laia kind of came into our world in the last year because actually more like in the last six months, 11 of my friends is a huge fan of Asia Redox products and she introduced it to me earlier this year.
18:17
So let me tell you what Asia is first and how I used it.
18:21
So Asia Redox products are the first.
18:25
This is according to the website, I’m just going to read it directly from the website Asia Redox mo products are the first and only products on market that contain active redox signals.
18:35
Molecules, cellular messenger is vital in protecting rejuvenating and restoring cells.
18:41
These molecules native to the human body are created through a groundbreaking patent process that reorganizes molecules of natural salt and purified water in redo signaling molecules.
18:54
And so the best way that I understand Asia and how these work now, I’ve been how someone has shared it to me is that our body has a number of cells.
19:05
And throughout the time of just the day of being bored, we end up having cells that work well.
19:12
We have cells that work really well.
19:13
We have cells that don’t work at all and we have cells that are working kind of half assed.
19:18
And there are some cells in our body, for example, that are not working and there are some cells in our body that are kind of half ass working.
19:26
And someone she described it to me, a friend described it to me as like, you know, that vacuum that you have at home and you, you have a vacuum at home that kind of works doesn’t work and you still use it like it kind of picks up some of the stuff off the ground, but it doesn’t fully pick up everything off the ground and you keep using it.
19:42
So we have a lot of cells like that in our bodies, especially if we’re dealing with diseases or illnesses or constantly getting or, or our immune system is compromised or you’ve had trauma to the body and things like that.
19:55
And with a, a, it helps, basically rejuvenate all of your cells and your cells get to a place really strong where they can go actually heal the areas in your body that need, help the parts of your body that you have an S OS.
20:12
So if you have organs that aren’t working, it’s really good for your immune system.
20:18
It helps a lot of people detox.
20:20
I mean, there’s a list of things and the testimonials are absolutely amazing.
20:24
Not gonna lie.
20:25
When I first heard of it, I was like, I take a lot of supplements.
20:28
I’ve learned so many little things.
20:29
Like, I don’t know if I really trust this.
20:31
It’s just basically water because it looks like water and basically very salty water with molecules or redox molecules within the water.
20:41
So about back in June or July, I’m blinking Nick and I went to a wedding in Maine right before that, I started taking progesterone because I’ve realized that I’m really low in progesterone.
20:52
And so I started taking progesterone.
20:54
I took too much progesterone and my body had an autoimmune response.
20:58
My immune system was basically feeling attached for how much progesterone I had in my body and I broke out in this really crazy rash.
21:06
I thought it was eczema.
21:08
I don’t know if it’s eczema.
21:09
I don’t know what it was, but it was super itchy all over my body.
21:13
And I was so scared that I was having an autoimmune response and I already have autoimmune diseases in my family line.
21:20
Like my mom has lupus, my mom’s sister has psoriasis.
21:24
And so an autoimmune disease for me is not like a far stretch.
21:28
And I wouldn’t be surprised that, I mean, I do know that I have some of the genetics for it.
21:33
And so when that went through that, I was like, what the heck, I was so scared.
21:37
I was like, what’s happening to me?
21:39
And I went to my friend and she was like, you have to take a CIA here, take it home with you.
21:43
And I tried it for a month and literally you guys, it cleared me up.
21:47
Nothing else was working and this cleared me up, all of my rashes completely went away.
21:53
She even told me she’s like, put the water directly on your rashes.
21:57
And I was like, OK.
21:58
And so I would put it like on the ones that were super flared up the night before and I would wake up and they were gone.
22:03
It was wild.
22:05
And so I trusted Asia and I saw it really implement me.
22:09
So I’m taking a, a specifically because obviously the breast implants can impact your immune system.
22:16
And so I really want to use a, a to help me heal any immune system, compromises that any compromise that my immune system has been under for the last 10 plus years as well as I’m gonna take ac a for a while.
22:30
And I just want to, you know, vitality and health and wealth means so much to me.
22:36
So that’s one big thing.
22:38
So CIA also helps you just detox from anything that’s coming within you.
22:41
It’s a product that you can honestly take for a long period of time.
22:44
A lot of Olympians actually take a CAA lot of people just keep ac in their products in their, in their back pocket is a product that is just changing the world for them.
22:54
So I’m gonna start taking S A before and after surgery.
22:57
And then Asia also has a gel and so a lot of, I don’t believe in like Botox or anything like that.
23:08
I am very on the natural holistic side of things never got Botox done.
23:14
And so, or even when it comes to like products for my face, like I don’t do anything that is not natural.
23:24
I’m usually looking for products that all come with like very natural elements or the ingredients.
23:29
I know I don’t really purchase products that don’t have ingredients that I don’t know what’s in them.
23:35
And as has a gel and so a lot of people use it for their face and for their skin, but I’m also gonna be using it for my scars.
23:43
So I’m gonna be using a a to help me with healing my scars directly on my breast.
23:49
Implants.
23:50
And so that is what I’m gonna be using the Aia gel for, I think it’s called Renewed 28 or 23.
23:57
So that’s what I’m gonna be doing and then post surgery.
24:02
you know, I’m also prepared for any of the emotional stuff to come up.
24:06
So I’m gonna be supported in this way.
24:09
And if needed, I will be doing somatic sessions with the mentors that I go to or I will be doing some kind of probably ceremony in the new year.
24:22
I can kind of feel like that might be a thing that I might be doing.
24:25
I’m just gonna let my body lead me to the direction and there’s no part of me that’s not gonna lean into it.
24:30
Like I have truly financially prepared for this season of healing.
24:36
I’ve mentally prepared for this season of healing.
24:38
And I really just wanted to share this with everyone that is interested in knowing how I’m preparing for the surgery specifically.
24:45
Now, none of this is medical advice.
24:47
Again, none of this is the, the way that you have to do things.
24:51
But I wanted to give you guys some ideas to think about.
24:54
And yeah, you know, I love health.
24:56
And so if you ever need any, any help or guidance when it comes to health, my boyfriend, my partner, he is going to school to become a naturopathic doctor.
25:05
I also know a ton of healers and practitioners that I always can always connect you with.
25:11
And yeah, let me know if you found this really helpful.
25:13
Again, you can take away some of these really fun ideas and things that I’m lifting for just for any surgery.
25:20
And yeah, well, thank you so much for listening.
25:23
I’m so excited.
25:24
I look forward to the next episode because we are going to be talking more about body love and how to love your body.
25:30
And then at the end of this month, I am going to share with you guys how I’m feeling post surgery and what that actually was like.
25:36
So keep an ear out and that’s what you can expect for the next couple of episodes.
25:40
Please share this with anyone that you think would benefit from these episodes and sending you so much love into your week.
25:48
Thank you again for listening and we’ll chat soon.

Full Transcript0:00
Welcome to the Fully Expressed Podcast with Karenna.
0:03
I am low key, very nervous for today’s episode and you can already feel it.
0:13
I can already feel it in my eyes.
0:16
So today’s episode is a little bit, it’s, it’s very special to me because this is something that I have been preparing for, have been intentionally thinking about over the last year.
0:30
But to be Frank, this is also something that I’ve been thinking about for a number of years.
0:36
And I think parts of me already knew that this was something that I needed to do and not just needed to do but felt called to do and they would come up in different conversations in different ways and different, you know, different things.
0:54
And it was always a thought in the back of my head and it just, it took me some time to truly wrap my mind around what that actually meant and how I was going to get there and truly embodying kind of being ready for something like this and also just timing, I think, you know, because I’ve been thinking about this for a really long time.
1:15
It’s something that I needed to be prepared for.
1:20
And because I’ve been able to give myself this space this last year to, to be with it, to do a little bit more research, to dive into it.
1:29
I feel way more prepared than I probably would have if I jumped the gun when I decided that I was going to do this.
1:35
And so it all started or it all kind of came to the head when I was in Peru with my family.
1:45
We went back in, I want to say it was, it was August of 2022.
1:51
So August of 2022 I went to Peru with my family and I’ve been to Peru multiple times.
1:59
I’ve been so grateful to experience Peru and different cities within Peru.
2:03
And I love Peru if you don’t know this, I am Peruvian.
2:06
So I have a lot of family in Peru.
2:08
And this year we decided to do Machu Picchu and Cusco again, we got a chance to do them with a ton of our friends.
2:18
We did a full tour.
2:19
It was absolutely amazing.
2:21
And I’ve been to Machu Picchu before and there’s different ways that you can do Machu Picchu.
2:28
So or like, you know, go from Cusco to Machu Picchu and go up and one is you got to go into the sacred valley, you got to go into Cusco, you go to the sacred valley and then from there, you want to make sure that you get on the train that’s going to take you to Machu Picchu.
2:45
That’s the first way, you can take a train all the way there and then you basically jump on a bus from there and get your way up there and it’s, it’s pretty high.
2:54
I can’t exactly tell you the exact elevation, but it is very, very high in elevation.
2:58
And so that’s the number one way.
3:00
And that’s a lot of the ways that we’ve done them in the past a second way that you can get to.
3:06
Machu Picchu is by taking a four day hiking trail.
3:12
It’s called the Inca trail.
3:13
And you can take it from basically the sacred valley all the way to Machu Picchu.
3:20
And you are literally hiking over four days.
3:24
You get these gourmet meals along the way.
3:26
I’ve heard.
3:27
It’s absolutely magical.
3:28
It is literally what the Incas walked all the time just to get to Machu Picchu.
3:33
It’s, it’s really beautiful and really stunning.
3:35
And what we decided to do this year, go back in 2022 was do the halfway hike.
3:43
So there’s another set where you can take the bus, jump on the train, you get on the train and you get dropped off like halfway.
3:50
And then the remainder of the hike from that point is about seven hours.
3:54
It can take anyone from like 7 to 10 hours.
3:58
I’m blinking on the actual mileage, but it’s, it’s a freaking hike like I swear, I’m so grateful that I did it.
4:05
It was so much fun, but there are so many moments where I was just over it, but every step and every part of it was so beautiful.
4:13
It was honestly also so beautiful to witness my dad go through it.
4:17
So my dad, I think at that point was somewhere between like 60 62 and he did it and I stuck with him for most of the way and he made it, he made it all the way to the sun gates is where you go up through.
4:31
And I was so proud of him and to give you some light, like, you know, on that hike, like especially there was so many ups and downs, there were so many steps.
4:42
And then at the final, there was about like 50 steps.
4:45
I want to say maybe 50 to 75 steps.
4:47
So we like straight up like I’m not talking like an ease the staircase going up like 50 to 75 points.
4:54
So at this point, I am so over it, like my legs are literally shaking, trying to get up this thing.
5:03
And I’m walking it like on my hands even because of how steep it is.
5:08
I literally have to get on my hands and knees to take it up and I made it up and I took a big deep breath.
5:15
But on the middle of that hike, we took a picture I was with my dad and it was like kind of on one of the cliffs and that picture I saw my breast, my boobs looked so big, like so big give it.
5:34
It could have been the top that I was wearing.
5:36
Like I understand that and I see that, but I saw that photo and I was like, holy cow.
5:41
My boobs look so big.
5:44
Like I don’t like them.
5:46
Like that is, no, I don’t, I don’t want them.
5:49
I don’t like them.
5:51
I just, they just felt like a foreign object that was on my chest and in that photo and I just could not get rid of that photo in my head.
6:02
And I walked and I thought about it the entire hike after I saw it on my phone and we took the photo and the funniest part is that this photo is hung up in my parents garage.
6:11
So it’s not like I’m gonna get to see that photo all the time, but I kept thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking about it and I was just like, yes, there was a little bit of like disgust like I don’t disgust maybe or just like an appreciation like I didn’t like the way that I looked.
6:28
But there was also this deep knowing that these breasts are not mine anymore.
6:34
And so for those that don’t know, I got breast implants when I was 20 years old.
6:40
The other way that I ended up getting breast implants was I have a condition where I have a lack of collagen in my body.
6:49
And they, I was really embarrassed or uncomfortable with my areolas.
6:58
They looked a little different than other people’s areolas.
7:01
And so when I went to the doctor and talked to them about it, it actually ended up being a diagnosis.
7:07
And so we were able to get the surgery done for me to fix my nipples basically.
7:15
But in the middle of that, the plastic surgeon was like, well, if you’re already going under, do you wanna get breast implants?
7:22
And I thought to myself like, yes and no one, there was a part of me that was like, oh, I could finally get bigger boobs.
7:31
Like, you know, I’m really insecure in my body at this point.
7:34
I don’t think I have good enough boobs.
7:35
Maybe it’s gonna complement my body in so many ways that I wanted it.
7:39
And there was also a part of me that didn’t want anyone to know that I had breast implants because I truly didn’t like the idea of knowing people, knowing that I had fake boobs really, I was really embarrassed by that.
7:53
And so when I decided to move forward with getting my breast implants, I actually literally asked them to make them as small and normal and natural and like a tear, they called it the teardrop.
8:06
And so a very teardrop look.
8:09
And I went for it and I love them.
8:13
I loved my breast implants.
8:14
I, I feel like they, they helped me embody a certain confidence that I didn’t feel like I had at the time.
8:22
I also have learned just to hug them and love on them and like, feel like their mind for so many years.
8:30
And then, you know, I, I really did, I love them.
8:33
There was, there’s no part of me that says that I don’t love them and I and I own that and I do.
8:39
And you know, as I and I really also just want to take a moment real quick to make sure that like as I share this, like if you have breast implants, I am not shaming you.
8:49
There is no part of me that wants to say that these breast implants are bad and that breast implants are negative like there’s something you know, negative about it.
8:58
I’m gonna be sharing my story and how I felt and how I’ve peeled the layers when it comes to my breast implants.
9:05
All right, Mila, I’m jumping in here real quick to tell you about the fully expressed community because the women that are in this group are phenomenal.
9:14
And if you’re listening to this and you’re a lady, a female or know someone that is female or a lady that is on this path of growth and wanting to continue to evolve as a human being and find their fullest authentic expression in their relationships in their life and their business and relationships and want to be surrounded by a community of women that are dedicated to doing the work themselves.
9:36
I want you in this community, I want to invite you into this community.
9:40
I really think that being surrounded by other women that are on the same path that just get you that just totally understand where you’re coming from or where you’re going or where you want to go and wherever that path is and create such a safe space for you to be held in that and encouraged in that is so important for our healing.
9:57
If you find yourself feeling an ounce or a Sprinkle of anxiety or overwhelmed or just uneasiness with the thought of being in a group container about talking about very vulnerable things.
10:10
I just want to encourage you and remind you that I totally understand.
10:14
I totally get it.
10:15
It can be edgy, it can be scary to open yourself in that way.
10:20
But in doing so you end up creating so much more healing.
10:24
I’ve had some of the biggest breakthroughs being in containers that can hold me and being surrounded by other women that are also on this path because I feel like I’m seen and understood.
10:35
And so I truly want to invite you into giving it a chance.
10:38
I’m also offering one month free if you leave a review of the podcast and then you will get access to the next Second Wednesday to join us.
10:48
So go ahead and leave a review and I will send you the invitation to see you.
10:53
So you can actually get a taste of what it feels like to be within the community.
10:57
Again.
10:58
Come join us in the muffle express community where you only don’t hear from myself and get teachings and somatic practices and meditations and guiding and network nervous system regulation.
11:08
But you also get to learn from renowned practitioners, healers, coaches, et cetera that are doing the thing in this world.
11:16
And they have gifts to share with you about what is available to you and you get to take that and crack the code for yourself and how that applies to your life and how that applies to your relationships and how that applies to your business and your brand, your career, et cetera.
11:31
Because for all of us, women, I really do envision a world not only for the betterment of ourselves, of why we live on this earth, but as well as our community, as our collective, as the human being, a human population, really bringing an opening arms to the woman that is fully expressed, that is living in her power, that is so confident and bold and as well as such in her feminine and vulnerable and soft and open to creating that space.
12:02
And so here we’re going to be surrounded by other women that want that and that create that and have this burning desire to be on that path.
12:09
So come join us, leave a review.
12:11
You want join for the next one for free.
12:13
And I hope to see you there.
12:15
So yes, I loved my breast implants.
12:18
I did.
12:19
I, you know, they, they gave me a lot of confidence.
12:22
They allowed me to set my body.
12:23
I felt like they complimented my body because I’m bootylicious and I’m curvy and I needed some curves and I, I was like, pretty much like a small, like a full a like B cup.
12:34
And so like, I really felt like it complimented me in very many ways.
12:38
And also, you know, at the time, like I really viewed these breast implants as a, as a sign of my feminine.
12:46
Like it helped me, I thought that having bigger boobs made me feel more feminine and more sexy and that, you know, instead of being a flat chested or so like, you know, comparing and I really did own that and I have completely worked through so much of my body image struggles.
13:06
And at the time, like I definitely dealt with like, obviously you guys all know, my eating disorder kind of hit around that time.
13:15
I was very insecure about my body and this was this kind of solved the problem at, at that point, I mean, a part of the problem, not the entire problem.
13:23
Come on.
13:24
I’ve clearly had a lot of healing to do ever since then, we’re talking about over 10 years ago now at this point.
13:29
And so, yeah, I absolutely love them.
13:32
And when I started really, really paying attention to my healing and becoming aware of vaccines, foreign objects, putting foreign objects, birth control in my body and just looking at my body in a much more holistic way.
13:52
I started to have these little nudges, these little whispers.
13:55
So I vividly remember having a conversation with a friend when I started to see my first holistic nutritionist, which was kind of a natural path.
14:02
At the time, she did a lot of muscle testing.
14:04
We did a lot of supplements.
14:05
She helped me get really clean on all my, all my meals.
14:09
This was back in 2020 when I started working where I had there, I told her that I had breast implants and, you know, and she also had breast implants and I asked her, I was like, do you ever worry about the breast implants being harmful to your body?
14:24
Like, what if it’s affecting my body in this way or what if it’s causing things like that’s not really living a really clean lifestyle?
14:33
Like my breast implants are fake.
14:35
You know, I have silicone in my body.
14:38
And you know, she said, well, this is an opportunity for us to work with our, our holistic nutritionist to basically manage the symptoms.
14:48
So support myself with supplements to do what to fix quote unquote, what the implants were causing to my body.
14:56
And so I already had that little in interest in that little little nudge and so fast forward to back to being in Peru.
15:04
And after that hike, we all went and got food and I just had so much anxiety in my body, I could not get my mind off thinking about my breast implants.
15:16
And I was walking around the towns of Peru and I was just thinking and thinking and knowing like I have to get these removed, I have to get these removed.
15:24
And this is after years of starting to learn more.
15:26
So I’ll, I’ll tell a little bit more of what I’ve learned.
15:28
So at this point, I had already learned a lot about breast implants, specifically breast implant illness.
15:34
And yeah, I just felt like I can literally feel my body as I’m talking about this, like going back to that state and I pulled my mom aside and I was like, mom, I can’t, I can’t stop thinking about this like I need to get my breast implants removed.
15:48
And I told her and I told her how scared I was and I told her how nervous I was, but I also know how I needed to do it.
15:55
And she supported me immediately and having her on my team and saying like, ok, Kara, like, let’s let’s get your breast implants removed like you can do this and I’ll help you in any way, you know, just, but just receiving her support, I immediately said yes.
16:11
And I remember texting Nick and calling Nick and letting him know that my mom was on my side that my mom was going to support me with getting this breast implants removed.
16:21
So I got back to the United States and I walked into the doctor that did my breast implants and talked to him about getting an explant.
16:33
And I walked out of that consultation and decided to get an explant.
16:38
And what it really comes down to is since I’ve started to do so much work within my body thematically and also just falling, truly fucking falling in love with my body and knowing that whatever size my body is or whatever I look like or the wrinkles that I get or whatever discoloration I have on my skin or anything along those lines like that.
17:04
I love my body.
17:05
And I, I’ve truly started to, I mean, I truly started feeling that a couple of years ago and it has solidified even more like there is literally not a moment that comes goes by at this point that I never second guess my confidence in my body, my confidence might shift based off the mood that I’m in, but my body or how I look or what I’m wearing no longer just completely takes me out for the day.
17:30
Like that’s no longer an option.
17:32
And that’s really huge for someone that has dealt with an eating disorder.
17:37
Body dysmorphia, put her body through the fucking ringer had bulimia.
17:42
Like that’s a lot, that’s really huge.
17:44
So I’ve done a lot of work to like love my body and so deep down like I knew that these breast implants were no longer mine.
17:52
When I saw that photo, it was so confirmed, so solid that these breast implants are no longer mine.
18:00
And I started to also go through this phase of seeing women, I think because now I just see women and bodies and humans as beautiful that whether they have big boobies or small titty bitties or loving whatever size of implants, they have a woman that is confident and embodied and just feels so beautiful in her skin goes such a long way and there has nothing to do with their body image.
18:33
And I started to see that I started to recognize that I would see women with bigger booties like me, not as much titty like I do right now.
18:42
And I think I, you know, you know, not as much boobs right now and I, for anyone, I guess wants to know, I have like a full, a full sea right now.
18:51
And so, you know, I started to see these women like, wow, you’re so beautiful.
18:55
Like you are owning your body, you are owning, it had nothing to do with their body.
18:59
They were just owning their soul, their light, their energy, the internal conversations that they had within themselves.
19:06
And as I did that, you know, I started to put you in together and I was like, since when or who said that being curvy and big bootylicious makes me sexier or makes me confident or makes me glow like none of that actually does it right.
19:27
Like, truly, like you can see someone that is stunning, but if they’re shy and insecure, you could feel that energy.
19:33
And so that’s, that’s really what kind of did it for me?
19:37
That was the big ticker for me.
19:39
A lot of people end up removing their breast implants and I’ll talk about this and go through an explant surgery because of the breast implant illness symptoms.
19:47
And so if all of you guys don’t know, a lot of women experience breast illness or breast implant illness and this is literally on getting to a point where the FDA and medical are trying to say this is an actual diagnosis because for so long, the science behind it hasn’t been there.
20:05
And there are literally Facebook groups.
20:07
There are groups of women that are saying that they’re experiencing all of these symptoms such as anxiety, gut problems, hormonal imbalances, headaches, migraines that no one knows the answer to.
20:21
And so there’s these, these Facebook groups of women that are literally I’m talking like hundreds of thousands of women that are saying that they all have these common symptoms and they all started after they got their breast implants and I mean, it makes fucking sense.
20:36
You know, like we literally have silicone within our bodies and we’re thinking that our bodies are just gonna be like, I love them.
20:42
Let’s just be a part of them because they’re not, but they’re not and not everyone’s bodies end up.
20:48
What’s the best way to say this?
20:49
Not everyone’s bodies end up adapting and welcoming the breast implants like others might.
20:57
Right?
20:57
And for me, when it came to symptoms, when I first got them, I was going through the eating disorder, the bulimia, my grandmother had passed away.
21:06
Like, and I think over, I went through a hormone, I mean, chaos, but like I couldn’t really pinpoint that the symptoms were connected to the breast implants because I was tackling from other directions.
21:18
But I do know now of kind of working through all that stuff.
21:23
I do have other symptoms that just feel like they’re getting stuck.
21:28
And I don’t know if they’re connected to the implants and this is why it’s not necessarily the decision for me on driving it to get them removed.
21:36
But I have or through all of my symptoms, I have managed it.
21:40
I take my supplements, I regulate my system.
21:42
I do all the things that I need to do.
21:44
And I have realized especially when it comes to like my grip, like my hands and my grip are getting weaker.
21:53
They’ve started getting weaker over the last couple of years and they’re getting much weaker.
21:57
Like I cannot feel that and it makes a lot of sense because it’s all connected to where the implants are.
22:03
I have also felt over the years sporadically.
22:06
I get like a pain in my left boob in my left breast and I can kind of feel them right now like they don’t feel good.
22:14
Like I know something’s wrong and I’ve known something is wrong for a couple of years.
22:20
Does it have me on my deathbed?
22:22
No.
22:22
Does it have me super sick?
22:24
No.
22:25
Is it something that I can manage?
22:27
Yes.
22:27
Am I in a place right now where I don’t want to manage my symptoms to the point where I am on my deathbed?
22:33
Yes.
22:33
Like I, I truly want to avoid creating illnesses or yeah, basically illnesses that I have to work through and all these symptoms.
22:45
And so this is the reason why I’m getting my breast implants removed.
22:49
And you know, the other thing that I want to share really quickly that I learned was that the silicone.
22:56
So a lot of people get worried about the breast implants actually erupting and then creating the silicone actually getting into your body, but it’s actually getting absorbed into our bloodstream since the minute that they were in my body and makes me so mad.
23:10
That makes me so sad because I’m just like, holy shit.
23:14
Why did I do this in my body?
23:16
And this is the part where I get very emotional because I know that I decided to get the implants from a place of insecurity from a place of wanting to look a certain way.
23:28
Yes, it was, ended up being an option, but it definitely, there was definitely parts of me that wanted the breast implants at the time.
23:34
And I get so sad because I decided to do this from a place.
23:40
Yeah, insecurity and wounds.
23:43
And now that I’m in a place where I truly love my body.
23:47
I wish I just had, I wish I had done the work before I decided to get the breast implants in because I’ve done a shit ton of work to fall in love with my body.
23:58
And to be honest, I’m so scared of what’s going to come from getting these, these ex plants, these breast implants removed.
24:07
And I say that because that’s the biggest part like I know what it feels like to be closed off.
24:14
I know what it feels like to not feel confident in your body when you’re in the bedroom and being intimate with your partner.
24:21
I know what it feels like to want to hide when you’re naked.
24:24
And I also know what it feels like to be free in your body.
24:29
I know what it feels like to walk around the house naked and be so confident and love my body.
24:35
I know what it feels like to give myself fully to my partner to make like, I know what it feels like to be so open and receiving.
24:45
And I’m so scared that this, this breast explant surgery is going to close me up and I don’t want to close up.
24:56
What I’m so grateful for is that I have all of the tools, the somatic practices, the somatic ceremonies to be with whatever the decides to come up after this surgery.
25:09
And I know it’s gonna be such a beautiful layer of another additional layer that I get to release and let go.
25:19
So I can fall in love with my body fully.
25:23
But it’s one of those things that I’m more scared for the process.
25:28
And I’m also very confident and in my abilities to come back because I have come back so many times, I have fallen in love with my body over and over again.
25:39
My body has been the biggest vessel for me when it comes to healing.
25:43
It has been my initiation to every step that I have wanted to take and for the woman that I am today.
25:51
And what I do know is that I have an amazing partner that is super supportive of, of this.
26:00
And I’ve never ever felt from him that he won’t love my body with the size boobs that I have or not, you know, like, and there’s so many reasons for that.
26:12
But, you know, we’ve had a lot of conversations around that because I was like, how are you going to respond when I no longer have these big boobies?
26:20
And, and that’s really coming from a place of hoping that he still accepts me and loves me,, for if my body changes and I think he’s never ever made me feel like he won’t.
26:33
And he is constantly reassuring me and reaffirming me that we’re gonna get through it together and that he’s gonna be there along the way with me.
26:42
And I am just, yeah, I, that’s been really grateful because that’s one of the things that I don’t, I’ve experienced such deep, deep love in our relationship and I don’t wanna close myself off to that.
26:54
And so I’m thinking about proactively thinking about making sure that I continue to open myself up, and throughout that process, taking a big deep breath real quick.
27:09
And so those are a lot of my insecurities about when it comes to this.
27:14
But I know that this is again the next layer that I get to share in my evolution and as well as an opportunity to be more expressed and more fooling me in that next stage of who I am and who I be.
27:27
And so, I think that’s, that’s where I’m gonna leave it.
27:32
I think this is the end of this episode.
27:35
I, I do feel called to if anyone wants to hear, you know how I’m preparing for this surgery, what I’m doing, what I’m gonna be taking.
27:45
I have a literally a list of all the things that I’m gonna be doing to support myself in this surgery.
27:53
So if you did get a chance to listen to my past episode about winter time, I wasn’t fucking kidding when I said I am literally going into a deep healing state this winter.
28:02
And I actually intentionally plan that I planned that I was gonna get the surgery in November, December time frame.
28:08
So I can do a lot of going inward and having the space too to hibernate.
28:13
I had originally planned to have this surgery back in May because I was trying to get it done before the summer time and I ended up pushing it out for a number of reasons, financial, not feeling fully ready, not doing enough research kind of a thing.
28:29
And since I’ve been able to take this space, I’m so grateful for all of the information that is out there, breast implants and the more that’s coming to the surface because there’s a lot of women that are struggling with a lot of symptoms when it comes to the breast implants.
28:46
And I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to manage a lot of my symptoms if I have them.
28:50
I’m also grateful that my symptoms aren’t necessarily like, quote unquote deadly.
28:56
Like I don’t feel like I’m gonna be like that.
29:00
I am grateful that I’m gonna be taking them out here shortly.
29:03
And yeah, I think the next episode, I’m going to share how I’m preparing.
29:08
and I’ll also make sure to keep you guys in the loops of what it looks like going into surgery as well as what it feels like afterwards.
29:17
But I really felt called to, to share this episode with you because I think it needs to be talked about way more.
29:24
I think people need to know what breast implants can do.
29:31
I don’t, I can’t say and be defined in saying that breast implants are the problem to everything.
29:38
But I do know they are playing a very significant role in a lot of women’s lives right now over the last four y you know, the years and the generations that I’ve gotten breast implants.
29:48
And so I just, I just feel so called to share that.
29:50
And again, I’m not no breast implant or black breast explant expert by all means this is, that’s not where I’m coming from.
29:58
It’s just me wanting to invite you into the story that I’m I’m working through and what’s coming up and how I’m gonna do that.
30:05
And yeah, I Yeah, so thank you so much for listening.
30:10
Thank you so much for just supporting me from a distance.
30:15
And if you know anyone that might resonate with this episode, like, please feel free to share it with them.
30:21
And if any of you guys want to talk about it, I’d be happy to talk about it on Instagram.
30:27
Just send me a DM and I’m sending you guys lots of love.

Full Transcript0:01
Welcome to the Fully Expressed Podcast with Karenna today.
0:06
You get a little solo action episode with me.
0:10
I’m so stoked.
0:11
I’ve been sitting on this episode and thinking about how I want to talk about this episode for a couple of weeks.
0:18
Now.
0:19
It’s a very important episode to me because last year was the first year that I’ve experienced, I think.
0:26
Well, let’s take it back last year.
0:28
It was the first year that I experienced that and I was aware that I was experiencing some kind of seasonal depression just overall not my best self when it comes to the winter season.
0:44
I especially now that I am way more in tune with my body now that I’m way more aware of what seasons feel like to me and what I like, what it feels like to feel good, to be honest, I think that’s where a lot of the awareness is coming from.
1:00
I think, you know, I’ve done so much work to feel good, right, to feel good in my body.
1:07
And last year was the year, the, the summer before last year was a really grounding year.
1:15
Like I remember feeling really good and then going into the winter time this year, I was like, wow, I’ve never experienced so many lows and I’ll explain why.
1:25
But the reason for this episode is really because because of that and if any of you are, are nervous or aren’t necessarily looking forward to the winter time or maybe you love the winter time and I’m so excited for you.
1:41
But this is really going to be an episode where I, I share what kind of came up for me last year and as well as what am I going to be doing this year?
1:49
That’s different and, and across my mindset shifts, what I’m gonna be doing to take care of my physical health, what I’m gonna be focusing on when it comes to my nutrition and things that I’m going to be planning to look forward to.
2:03
And the reason why I have set up such a beautiful intention and structure for this winter time this year is because I wanna make sure I go into it really unattached and ready for what winter actually means.
2:19
And that is, that’s really one of the biggest shifts for me is in the difference this year compared to last year is that I’m going to be really looking at winter time as an opportunity to dive with inward and hibernate.
2:34
And what does that actually mean?
2:36
Like as some of, you know, and I really do prioritize sinking my life to my menstrual cycle.
2:47
It has been one of truly the biggest gifts that I’ve ever received implemented over the last few years.
2:54
And something that I’ve realized as a woman is that throughout the month, we are literally four different people.
3:01
We have summer, spring, fall and winter and going through those cycles monthly and knowing and being giving myself permission to be fully expressed in every single month to whatever my body actually needs.
3:16
So I’ll give you a little tip inside and I’m going to bring it back into what the purpose of this episode is.
3:21
But basically, you know, when it comes to your menstrual cycle, when you get your period, that is day one, that is actually your winter.
3:31
So you are fully in hibernation mode, you are bleeding, you are releasing, you are purging, you are cleansing your body on so many levels.
3:41
And then you go into the spring into the follicular phase and that’s where you start to feel a little lighter, a little happier.
3:51
And then you go into ovulation phase, which is summer baby.
3:55
This is where we feel like 1000 per 1000.
3:59
Like we feel really good in our bodies.
4:01
We have bright, we have so much energy and we just feel really great.
4:05
And then we go back into the fall and our luteal phase and then we go back into winter and see we go through this every single month.
4:12
And as I’ve really tried to and honestly, not just tried, I mean, I’ve truly embodied being super unattached and ready for every single week, every month, right?
4:24
Like I just really found this beautiful dance and beautiful balance of my body and every step of the cycles that I go through.
4:32
And this is, this is what my new perspective is for the years.
4:37
And I don’t truly don’t know how I never, I missed this or how this never clicked for me.
4:42
But I’m gonna be looking at the year the same way.
4:46
and I have been looking at the year in the same way, you know, I, and want to start leaning into that even more because I tend to be someone that loves the summer time.
4:58
Like if you asked my family, my friends, my boyfriend, I am literally a lizard that can lay out on the sand on the sun and feel so good.
5:08
And I think I’ve done this my whole life.
5:11
I don’t really, didn’t really know how much I loved it or why I loved it.
5:15
And until the more recent years and a lot of that has to do with like the sun literally gives me energy and restores me.
5:23
It is the, the answer to my nervous system regulation laying at the beach being on the ground, touching the warm floor.
5:32
Literally, it’s like energy coming out of the ground and into my feet.
5:36
Like I feel that so entirely and I feel that the minute that I step outside and let the sun just touch my face.
5:44
And you know, it’s, there’s so many things now that are just clicking because I’m so in tune with my body and can tell you when I’m in my body and when I’m not and sun just the sun does magic wonders for me.
5:59
And so does water.
6:00
And so, you know, being someone that grew up by the water, I get to jump in the ocean way more in the summer time.
6:07
And it is literally my, my medicine and it continues to be like, I, for example, like it is mid October and Nick and I went and jumped in the ocean yesterday and it was a little windy outside, but the water felt so good and him and I walked out of that like, absolutely like bliss.
6:26
And, you know, we had so much energy for the rest of the afternoon and evening that we had to get some stuff done, but we took care of ourselves and I get to do that a lot in the summer time.
6:36
I get to do that a lot more in the spring time.
6:39
It’s more difficult to do it in the fall in the winter time.
6:43
But because it’s a little colder, but this is the other reasons why I love like cold therapy or cold plunges that I’ve been doing for a years.
6:52
You know, if you don’t know this, like, you know, getting into a cold body of water really helps you reset your nervous system.
6:59
It’s not for everyone.
7:00
I will say that some people’s nervous systems don’t do that great in the cold plunge.
7:06
And if you ever have questions about that, let me know.
7:08
But like bringing it all back like summer is truly my favorite.
7:13
Obviously, right?
7:14
When we’re all ovulating every single month, you know, when you feel really good in your body, feel sexy as fuck and you like look good in your clothes and your bright and you know, all of that.
7:24
Of course, I’m gonna be so like wanting to feel that all the way.
7:28
And last year, last winter, I didn’t realize how, how it affected me as much as it did and how much I craved just summer and bliss and water and warmth and stuff like that.
7:44
And one of the reasons why to here in California and I feel so bad for anyone listening to this because I’m talking about California and you’re like Corona, you have the best weather I hear you.
7:54
And you know, for someone that has experienced really beautiful weather for most of her life.
8:00
Last year, we got the most rain we’ve ever had.
8:03
Like it literally felt like six months of rain and the way that I describe rain to like my sister who has been spending a lot more time in Utah because of her boyfriend living out there, you know, in the snow, she gets to play in the snow in the rain.
8:17
I don’t really have a lot to do.
8:18
And so you found, I found myself, like, really staying inside a lot.
8:23
I ended up working a lot.
8:25
I watched a lot of TV and just laid on the couch because I literally didn’t have anything to do.
8:29
Like, it wasn’t like, I, I enjoyed walking outside in the rain.
8:33
Yes.
8:34
Kuzco.
8:34
And I would go for runs in the rain because you had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the rain.
8:38
But it wasn’t like I did that and that’s the one thing about rain that I don’t love and last year just really, really hit me in that way.
8:46
And,, you know, as I talk about this, there’s also a part of me that feels bad that I’m quote unquote complaining.
8:53
But it’s, it’s my truth and it’s true.
8:55
And as anyone else that’s hearing this, like, maybe you have more seasons where you live or maybe you have more winters than you live in.
9:04
Like one.
9:06
I, I think I resonate way more than ever have because I’ve been able to experience what it feels like to experience weather like that and one power to you.
9:19
And if you’re someone that loves it, kudos to you, like your system is awesome and I’m so excited for you and, you know, both of us have our truths as we talk about this.
9:30
And so, yeah, the biggest shift that I’m gonna have going into this, this winter is going to be like, all right.
9:38
So I’m going into hibernate.
9:41
This is an opportunity for me to do inner work, to heal, to be with my body, to slow down, to give it permission to sleep in, to give it permission to just be and really trying to do my best in doing that because something that I visit specifically to struggle with when it comes to the winter time is wanting to work out early in the mornings.
10:08
And if you’re somewhat, if you know me, like, I’m someone that loves to work out first thing in the morning because it gives me so much energy for the day, it kind of sets me up.
10:17
But in the winter time, it’s very difficult for me to get out of bed.
10:21
It actually happened this morning where I wanted to get up at like 6 36 45 just so I can get a workout in so I could start before working.
10:29
And that, and I truly couldn’t get out of bed.
10:32
Like, and you know, getting to a place of giving myself permission to do that is so much better than fighting myself.
10:40
I, you know, if we fight ourselves and get hard on ourselves, we end up spending a lot more energy than just being with.
10:47
What is if you listen to the last podcast and if you listen to other podcasts of me, like, I truly believe in just being with, what is it actually moves through a lot quicker and in the same situation.
10:58
So, yes, I will be really looking into the winter time for a little bit of a, not maybe a little death and rebirth, but, you know, just like the plants and the world kind of die and they all come back in bloom, like that’s what I’m going to be looking at winter time.
11:16
Like, and, and it’s not, you know, this year for me is a little different.
11:19
I am going to be going into like a really deep healing season come November, which I will be sharing shortly about and it’s gonna require me to truly slow the fuck down.
11:32
I’m gonna be getting a surgery done in November, which yes, again, I will be telling you guys all what that is, but it’s gonna force me to truly drop down and even without the surgery, you know, I’m, I was planning on doing a lot of these things anyways and implementing this as my go to every single year.
11:54
So I can have some kind of structure and allow myself to flow within that structure and be supported.
11:59
And that’s the thing, right?
12:01
Like this year, I want to be supported.
12:03
I wanna be prepared.
12:04
I wanna take care of my nervous system.
12:07
I want to make sure that I am intentionally being with myself, intentionally creating what I want this winter to look like.
12:17
And So here we go.
12:18
I told you about the mindset shifts.
12:21
When it comes to my actual physical health, I am planning on doubling down on my nervous system support not so much in deep diving into somatics.
12:34
Like yes, I will be able to do my somatic practices and be with whatever emotions come up from slowing down from hibernating, right?
12:41
Like once I get to be in my body, that’s when a lot of shit comes up and having the tools to be with my body, release those emotions and support my emotions are gonna be the most important.
12:54
But the things that I need to give me resource to give me capacity to be able to be with whatever comes up for me this winter.
13:02
Like in truly releasing that I’m going to be supporting my nervous system by trying to get as much sunlight as possible.
13:12
And you’re probably like Creta, how are you going to get a lot of sunlight in the winter time?
13:16
There’s not a lot of time and while that’s true, yes, we don’t physically see the sun as much, but the sun is still shining through the clouds and even on the most gloomy days.
13:26
If you go outside first thing in the morning or throughout the day, your skin, your body is receiving sunlight.
13:33
And so I will be trying to get sunlight first thing in the morning as much as possible.
13:38
Once I get outside, I will be trying to do my best to get breaks out in the outside.
13:43
Even if it’s gloomy, even if there’s a break in the rain, your girls going outside.
13:49
So that’s gonna be a really big intention of mine support.
13:51
Complimented by I will be doubling down on my red light therapy through my red light therapy sauna blanket that I just got for my birthday.
14:03
My friends just got it for me.
14:04
I got the higher dose red light sauna blanket.
14:08
And of course, my boyfriend actually literally texted all my friends saying that hey, chronic is serious seasonal depression and we want to give her, I really want to give her this higher dose blanket to support that this winter.
14:24
And so your girl is gonna be doubling down on that.
14:28
I will make sure to put a link in in the show notes for you guys.
14:32
If you guys want to look into it, it’s it’s gonna be really great.
14:34
It’s not only really great because of the red light, right.
14:36
Right.
14:36
The red light is really gonna be supporting all of the sunlight that I’m not going to be getting.
14:41
It’s also a very healing light, but it’s also going to help me detox.
14:45
So detoxing and opening up the different pathways are going to be very important for me this winter.
14:51
Another way that I will be doubling down on that this week, this winter is one I am going to be going through much more of like a physical cleanse.
15:03
So I plan on doing a liver detox, and parasite cleanse.
15:07
And so I can fully purge and release anything that my body is holding this winter.
15:14
I, because of my surgery in November, I think I’m gonna be personally probably doing starting it, November, December, probably like early January get, get my body ready to detox, ready to purge, ready to release, not just like physically but emotionally and energetically, just get shit out of my body and really prepare myself for that.
15:38
And something that I love about the winter time is an opportunity to eat warming foods and drink a lot of bone broth and eat cooked vegetables.
15:46
All these types of things are, are really helpful for just gut nutrition and gut health.
15:54
And so in preparation for the cleanse, I will be doing a lot of warming foods.
16:00
A lot of bone broth, cooked veggies, teas.
16:05
I’m going to try my best to cut back on coffee and just focus on bo broth as much as possible.
16:13
I really don’t drink coffee as much anymore, but I don’t want my system to be in a highly reactive state or a stimulated state this winter.
16:23
I really want it to be present and with what is.
16:26
And so, so those are the kinds of things that I’m looking at this winter and you know, really soaking up a lot of the rest and slowness.
16:36
And so I am intentionally diving into this winter, ready to heal emotionally, physically, spiritually and energetically.
16:46
I am setting myself up and doing that.
16:49
I am.
16:49
If you find this episode interesting, I would invite you to reach out to, to me so I can connect you with my boyfriend.
16:59
He is a natural, he’s in school to becoming a naturopathic doctor, a traditional naturopathic doctor and has his, he’s a nutritionist, he’s a health coach.
17:11
And so if you want like a more serious plan for yourself and what actually meets your needs, he can do that.
17:18
What I’m specifically talking about is what I’m going to be doing.
17:21
This is not medical advice, don’t just do it because I said it, make sure your system is actually ready to do this.
17:28
But the takeaways here is that I’m leaning into this winter as an opportunity to hibernate detox per release.
17:36
All the things that I need to.
17:38
It’s very similar to my menstrual cycle that I get to do every single month, right?
17:43
Every single period I am releasing and purging and being with whatever needs to come up.
17:50
You know, in old ribes, I don’t know if you know this, but in tribes and cultures, they used to look at women around at this time of the month like the period you’re when you’re bleeding and you’re on your period as an opportunity for them to talk about and share what was working within the tribe and what was not working within the tribe because we have such a beautiful gift of being able to become aware of what’s actually working in our lives.
18:13
I’m going to take that same view and perspective into this winter.
18:18
I want to look at this winter as truly of like purging, releasing kind of doing an audit of like what’s working, what’s not working.
18:26
What do I want next year to look like?
18:27
What do I want spring and summer to look like?
18:31
And that’s all built into the plan that I’m taking and the pillars of that are going to be my mindset, which I already shared, getting my physical health primed and ready for the detox, which is what I’m doing with sunlight, red light therapy, eating really healthy foods, trying to not eat as much processed foods as possible and staying in and really being ready for this rest and slowness.
18:58
Now, along with that, I will also be creating things to look forward to.
19:02
So one thing that I found myself last winter being like, oh my gosh, I can’t wait for like, when can I get out of here?
19:08
I wanna go somewhere warm, I wanna go do that.
19:11
And it wasn’t because I wanted to escape what was doing.
19:15
It’s because my system needed to be resourced to be able to tackle what was going on here.
19:21
And so something that I intentionally plan to double down on this winter, which it’s traditionally the opposite of what I do, one thing is seeing friends and getting connected and being in community.
19:35
You know, I can fall into the practice, especially because the sun goes down at 44 30 here where I end up getting, eating dinner and going to bed really early and not really seeing a lot of people throughout the week.
19:46
And I want to change that.
19:47
I want to find the joy and the connection and the vulnerability and the authentic connection through my friendships.
19:58
And so I have been going back and forth about whether doing a biweekly family dinner with all of my friends or a monthly dinner with all of my friends and weekly would be great.
20:10
But I think biweekly might feel best.
20:12
I’m gonna kind of see what that feels like for them.
20:14
I already pitched it to them and they’re like 100%.
20:16
But the goal there is for me to have connection throughout the week, right?
20:20
Not being fully alone.
20:22
And the other thing that I will be intentional about this year is kind of looking at January February March, April timeline about places that I can go visit, you know, changing my environment.
20:38
That has always been such a beautiful way to kind of give myself a resort a reset as well as just inspiration to what I want and and changing up this facing environment.
20:51
So I will be planning just trips and sprinkling time to go to warmer places, but also just go to places that change my environment, whether that’s going to maybe the place is not warm, but it looks different.
21:05
You know, the apartment, the place that I’m staying in looks different.
21:08
And so that I will also be planning this year and not trying to make it like a last minute thing.
21:14
Right?
21:15
And this year I don’t want to come from the place of being reactive to the point where my system has just had it where I’m either in like a deep, deep spiral or I’m just anxious to get out of the fuck out of where I am.
21:28
I, I truly want to be intentional and prepared for what’s coming and also allow the opportunity for whatever needs to come up this winter to be here and fully be with it and release it and work through that.
21:42
So, yeah, and the last thing that I’m gonna be doing, I’m going to be very intentional about wellness days, possibly like weekly or bi weekly.
21:52
A lot of my friends here.
21:53
I don’t have the space for this in my apartment.
21:55
They have saunas and cold plunges.
21:58
So wellness days are gonna be the opportunity for me to really, really healthy foods and community double down on the sauna and the cold plunge therapy.
22:09
So going back between cold plunges and saunas for myself and really being stranded by friends.
22:17
So those are the three things that I’m going to be looking forward to.
22:20
So friends trip sprinkled into this winter time as we enter into the spring as well as wellness, very designated wellness days with my friends.
22:32
And so, you know, this is the season, this is the season for us to slow down hibernate, be with whatever the fuck needs to come up.
22:43
You know, and you’re gonna hear me say this all the time, like I’m here for all parts of us and you know, whatever parts come up for a reason and learning to be with that is gonna be the biggest gift you can give for yourself.
22:56
It’s something that I continuously do.
23:00
And welcome when I can and I know this winter time personally because of what I have coming up is going to be another intense layer of healing for me and I have tears coming up in my eyes because once I tell you guys what it is, you’ll know.
23:16
So keep a look out for the next episode because I will be talking about it and openly and vulnerably about what’s coming here in November.
23:25
But anyways, I hope that you realize that the winter is not bad, winter is not something to be scared of.
23:33
Winter is not something for us to fear.
23:36
It’s not something for us to do that.
23:38
And if you’re struggling with working through past experiences where you have had low winters, you know, you’ve reached reached seasons that you didn’t know you were going to get out of in past winters, I don’t want to take away from that.
23:54
And that also is true and that’s valid.
23:58
And I hope that this podcast episode gave you ideas and resources, but you can start to implement into your winter time to give you more resource and more capacity to tackle what el what else comes up for you this winter.
24:16
If you would like some more ideas, feel free to email me at koto at creo dot com.
24:24
We can chat over email, just I’ll drop you guys a little sheet or just a couple bullet points of what you could be doing this winter to get you more resource.
24:35
If you feel like you want to share with me what came up for you last winter and how you can tackle that this year.
24:41
I’d be happy to support you in that as well.
24:44
But I want us to know that we are not alone this winter.
24:48
You know, we don’t have to be alone.
24:50
And at the same time, there is this beautiful peace to spending time with ourselves this winter.
24:56
I think that’s the other reason why we tend to hibernate, right?
24:59
Tend to be more by ourselves and kind of be able to listen and stop and slow down.
25:06
So I think this winter is, at least for me, I’m really looking at it as an opportunity to, to shed another layer of whatever my body is holding on to, whether that is just shit that might have come up this year or shit that I’m holding on from generations of trauma, whatever it is, I don’t need to make sense of it.
25:27
But all I do know is that this winter is gonna be the winter that I will be intentionally stepping into my healing, prepping my body to support that healing process and knowing that I have things to look forward to.
25:45
So with that being said, thank you so much for listening today.
25:50
If you found this episode helpful, I would truly truly ask you to just share it with a friend, share it on social media.
26:00
If you know, if you have any takeaways, please leave me a review because I really want to get this podcast out as much as possible.
26:07
And I hope that you found this helpful, so loving you today, loving you always and we’ll talk soon.

Full Transcript0:00
Right.
0:00
Welcome to the Fully Expressed Podcast with Karenna.
0:02
I am so excited for today’s conversation because I have a very special person coming on to the podcast.
0:12
As many of, you know, I went through a somatic trauma informed somatic certification last year called the Phoenix Path.
0:19
And my mentor and teacher had is with us today.
0:24
Jessica Benstock.
0:25
Jessica is not only such an amazing human on all ends.
0:29
She has truly, I feel like, I mean, yes, Jess is just simply, I don’t know, you just live so much of everything that you teach and the capacity that you hold is absolutely incredible.
0:45
And the depth and the teachings that you’ve brought to the Phoenix Path has been absolutely amazing.
0:50
So for everyone that’s listening, I do have Jessica Benstock on here with me, Jess.
0:55
Hi, Jess.
0:56
How are you?
0:57
I’m so good.
0:58
I’m so good.
1:00
Yeah, I truly meant like having you here is such a special thing for me because the Phoenix Path truly was like the solidifying piece to like a lot of my healing journey as just an individual, not even for what I was truly going for, which is what I, what I loved about the Phoenix path, right?
1:18
So for those listening, what the reason why I chose the Phoenix path as the Somatic trauma informed certification that I wanted to go through was I didn’t want someone just to teach me the, the teachings.
1:30
I wanted to experience the teachings and actually go through it so I can actually experience it as a client and truly actually embody what I was learning.
1:37
And that was one of the biggest gifts that the Phoenix back gave me.
1:42
And I really think it’s a testament to just like where you’re at and how much you’ve embodied and how much you’ve been able to show.
1:48
And so I just am so grateful for that program and that opportunity to work with you for like it was six months in total, but we had a month in between.
1:56
So we felt like 6 to 7 months, almost like a whole year.
2:00
Yeah.
2:00
It’s funny how it’s the Phoenix path is like half a year, but scaled out, especially because they have the retreat at the beginning and the retreat at the end feels a lot longer and it feels like that to me too.
2:12
I’m always surprised when we get to the end of a session and I’m like, oh, that wasn’t a whole year, but that definitely felt like a whole year, right?
2:19
It did and, and as much as it felt like, how do I say this?
2:23
Like it was a, it was long, but it felt so fast at the same time.
2:27
Like I don’t even know where the days went when I was going through it.
2:31
I was like, I can’t believe I’m already at four months.
2:33
We’re already at the final retreat.
2:34
How did, how did this happen?
2:36
So yeah, just do you wanna introduce yourself and kind of share with everyone who you are and who you be and how you are and who you show up to be in this world.
2:46
I would love to.
2:47
Yes.
2:48
My name is Jessica Benstock.
2:49
I am 14 years to in my heart.
2:53
It’s my devotion to humanity.
2:55
It’s my, my soul feels like it is here to bring lights and connection back to the places where we need it most which tend to be places that have trauma and places, whether it’s in our personal life or our ancestry that just have really been either in shock frozen, they’ve been disassociated from them or they’ve just needed love in a way that the world around us hasn’t been able to provide that love.
3:22
And there’s a lot of different reasons for that, but I’ve been fascinated with where humanity can be and also how we’ve gotten to where we are.
3:29
So for me, ever since I was a kid that question, but I think a lot of us secretly have and some of us don’t really name is like what happened?
3:38
Like why is everything happening the way that it’s happening right now on earth and how can we change it?
3:46
And so for me that led to a journey starting with really intense spiritual awakening.
3:52
When I was 18, I first got trained in hypnotherapy when I was 18 as well.
3:57
Due to that spiritual awakening and that opened my whole world up to the subconscious.
4:03
And this was back in 2010.
4:04
So hypnotherapy, subconscious healing like that was seen as very, very woo, we didn’t have Joe to spend like making everything normalized in subconscious reprogramming work.
4:15
It was, it was very niche.
4:16
It was very woo.
4:17
There’s a lot of people that had therapy training at the time, they were in that training.
4:22
But at the same time, it was, they would kind of keep it hush, hush that they would do it with their clients because it was still seen as like very alternative somatic healing at the time, was still also seen as very woo.
4:32
And so I learned somatic healing, somatic hypnotherapy was my first introduction to somatic work.
4:37
And they learned four different kinds of hypnotherapy in that training.
4:41
And as someone who grew up in a family that there was so much deep, intense emotion, but no resolution and no repair, like so much just force and intensity of fighting to actually see people going into emotions in a way that you could actually create change and healing and resolution.
5:02
And it wasn’t something that we keep under the rug.
5:04
You know, it was something that we actually like collectively can heal together.
5:08
It lit something off of my soul shamanic work where for four years, I was training under different indigenous leaders and indigenous elders and healing techniques.
5:18
I at one point wanted to surveys and San Pedro.
5:23
So that was like where I was invested in my training and work.
5:26
I taught something called beta healing, which is a subconscious reprogramming method years.
5:32
And then that ended up leading to this is a very like quick snapshot.
5:37
But that also ended up leading to me ending the shamanic path and then studying at meditation school, that was a Western esoteric meditation school that I lived at for three years.
5:49
I trained there for six days a week, 10 hours a day for three years, except for a winter break that we had.
5:55
And from there, it was just a different way of looking at the subtle bodies, looking at emotional healing, work, energetic cultivation, things like that.
6:03
So I’ve, I’ve looked at it from a lot of the psychology, childhood development lens, the somatic healing lens, the hypnotherapy and subconscious reprogramming lens, the shamanic ancestral healing, indigenous lens and also the paths of like meditation and energetic cultivation lens.
6:22
And I always want more.
6:24
It’s a bit of my background, but yeah, constant, constant student to life.
6:29
Yeah.
6:29
Thanks so much for that.
6:30
And that was honestly another reason now that you were talking about it.
6:32
Another reason why I was so drawn to you was because you were bringing in all these different perspectives and like, taking these different perspectives and bring them into one, which was another brilliant thing that I got to witness, like being in your space because I was not only just receiving it from one lens and that’s another thing that I really so badly wanted was to be like, ok, somehow these are all talking about similar things in different ways.
6:57
They all have their specialties.
6:59
But like, how can you hone in on them and bring them together?
7:02
And you even took that through your teachings, which I thought was amazing, like you would share from this angle to that angle to this angle.
7:10
And as you were talking and I do very well in those situations and I learned really well in that.
7:15
So I thought that was absolutely amazing.
7:17
The one question I had that you brought up that I think is so interesting, like the word woo, you know, like I and I use the word War two, but like a lot of the things that we’re talking about now like somatics, one does what does somatics mean?
7:29
That’s one thing that I would love to clarify.
7:31
And so everyone can understand what is Somatics, what does SOMA actually stand for?
7:36
But then two, what was it like to step into something so early on that is becoming more norm today?
7:43
Like I think about this with like cold plunges.
7:46
Like I started co plunging like 56 years ago and like, I found it a long time ago and I loved it when I first came to San Diego, I started doing breathwork but now I’m in San Diego and it’s freaking blown up.
7:56
And I’m like, it’s amazing.
7:58
And at the beginning when I first started talking about a, it all back when I first started talking about breathwork and cold plunges, like it was like, people would look at me like, why are you doing that?
8:07
Like, you know what I mean?
8:09
Like why are you getting in cold water?
8:12
And I’d explain it and I tell them how good I felt afterwards and how my nervous system felt so good.
8:16
And they still look at me like what?
8:19
And then those same people today are now telling me like they’re doing cold plunges and breath work and they’re so excited about it.
8:25
And so I’d love to kind of hear what a what does someone mean?
8:28
But then what was it like to actually be kind of at the front end of that?
8:31
Right?
8:32
Because at least with Peter Levine, like he’s older like this has been around for a long time.
8:38
It’s not something that’s super woo.
8:40
I just don’t think that the awareness of the consciousness of the collective had found it yet the way that it is today.
8:47
Because on Instagram, you see somatics everywhere you see nervous system regulation everywhere.
8:52
So it’s definitely changed and shifted in how this has been presenting itself.
8:57
So I’ll stop talking.
8:59
But all right, Mila, I’m jumping in here real quick to tell you about the fully expressed community because the women that are in this group are phenomenal.
9:09
And if you’re listening to this and you’re a lady, a female or know someone that is female or a lady that is on this path of growth and wanting to continue to evolve as a human being and find their fullest authentic expression in their relationships in their life and their business and relationships and want to be surrounded by a community of women that are dedicated to doing the work themselves.
9:32
I want you in this community.
9:34
I want to invite you into this community.
9:36
I really think that being surrounded by other women that are on the same path that just get you that just totally understand where you’re coming from or where you’re going or where you want to go and wherever that path is and create such a safe space for you to be held in that and encouraged in that is so important for our healing.
9:53
If you find yourself feeling an ounce or a Sprinkle of anxiety or overwhelmed or just uneasiness with the thought of being in a group container about talking about very vulnerable things.
10:05
I just want to encourage you and remind you that I totally understand.
10:09
I totally get it.
10:11
It can be edgy.
10:12
It can be scary to open yourself in that way.
10:16
But in doing so, you end up creating so much more healing.
10:20
I’ve had some of the biggest breakthroughs being in containers that can hold me and being surrounded by other women that are also on this path because I feel like I’m seen and understood.
10:31
And so I truly want to invite you into giving it a chance.
10:34
I’m also offering one month free if you leave a review of the podcast and then you will get access to the next second Wednesday to join us.
10:44
So go ahead and leave a review and I will send you the invitation to see you.
10:49
So you can actually get a taste of what it feels like to be within the community.
10:53
Again, come join us in the muffly expressed community where you only don’t hear from myself and get teachings and somatic practices and meditations and guiding and network nervous system stun regulation.
11:04
But you also get to learn from renowned practitioners, healers, coaches, et cetera that are doing the thing in this world.
11:12
And they have gifts to share with you about what is available to you and you get to take that and crack the code for yourself and how that applies to your life and how that applies to your relationships and how that applies to your business and your brand, your career, et cetera.
11:27
Because for all of us women, I really do envision a world not only for the betterment of ourselves, of why we live on this earth, but as well as our community, as our collective, as the human being, a human population really bringing an opening arms to the woman that is fully expressed that is living in her power, that is so confident and bold and as well as such in her feminine and vulnerable and soft and open to creating that space.
11:57
And so here we’re going to be surrounded by other women that want that and that create that and have this burning desire to be on that path.
12:05
So come join us, leave a review be why I joined for the next one for free.
12:09
And I hope to see you there.
12:11
Really, it is really crazy.
12:12
It’s crazy too.
12:13
I mean, it’s amazing on one end, it’s incredible to watch how things that almost were taboo.
12:20
Like when I first started doing any of this work in 2010, it was, it was kind of weird to mention trauma or your emotions.
12:30
Like it would make people this really awkward in a conversation, right?
12:33
And for me, it was the most fascinating thing or even just like how parts work is just very normally talked about.
12:39
Now.
12:40
It was not that way before I remember specifically like being a a gathering with a bunch of my friends and I was trying to share how, you know, there’s these different sub personalities is what I was first taught, they were called, there’s these different sub personalities.
12:54
We have all of these different parts of our psyche and you can actually contact parts of yourself that you haven’t been in contact with for a long time.
13:01
And other parts can come in and be cultivated from different parts of times in your life.
13:06
And it’s like there’s this switch where teleprompter switch where certain things can turn on so certain things can turn off and like it was crickets, it was like, ok, cool.
13:17
Anyway, and I remember being so excited, you know, and, and now the fact that, and also by the way, most of my family is in western medicine.
13:28
And so the fact that I was gonna go to college and actually didn’t and ended up using a lot of the college money that I had, which wasn’t that much that my parents had saved up to go to this hypnotherapy training and the fact that it was alternative and the fact that it was questionable, like, even to my family who, you know, they still, they actually boomers that went to therapy, but it was still like, I don’t really know what it is that you’re doing and is this reputable.
13:55
And now, and my whole family, I remember my whole family being like, very worried about me, like, I don’t know where she’s going.
14:03
You know, most of them are like college is important.
14:05
School is important.
14:06
You’re doing all these alternative trainings.
14:07
Why are you doing those things?
14:09
And, and then I had people in these trainings, the somatic therapy training, the rest of the hypnotherapy trainings that would come to me and be like, you are so lucky.
14:17
You’re finding this so young because this is, and these are people with phd S.
14:21
These are people with like full on practices that were saying like it’s not now, people aren’t gonna realize it now.
14:28
But in our clientele, like in the room in the sessions, this is the stuff that works the best.
14:34
And I listened to that, you know, and, and I felt very grateful that they came and told me that because it gave me a level of confidence that even when the social world wasn’t reflecting that back, I could see it changing.
14:48
I could see it changing in myself.
14:49
I could see it changing in my practice sessions.
14:51
And then to watch the world start to actually, I think we’re still getting to a place of integration because I think a lot of people talk about it and application of it is completely different.
15:02
And I know we’ll probably get into that.
15:04
But to see that it’s even common for people to talk about trauma to see the amount of people that have watched Gabor Mate’s documentary on trauma to see that people are talking about emotions like it’s, it’s entered into a collective fear at a level where people understand this is important, this affects how I see things, this affects how I am in relationship, this affects my interactions in the world.
15:28
And there’s something in my, my heart that like very much is grateful and it gives me hope.
15:37
You know, the fact that it’s being normalized, it’s not behind closed doors anymore.
15:42
It doesn’t have to be like a hush, hush thing that means something is wrong with you.
15:46
And so I think we’re still in that integration process.
15:49
Like I think a lot of people online with the best intentions or maybe just trying to follow a trend or like the nervous system, somatic somatic feeling in your body.
15:58
And so I need to jump on this trend.
15:59
I’m gonna try to understand it.
16:01
I’m gonna try to get it.
16:02
And so we, we’ve hit this kind of saturation point where people are like everyone’s talking about this.
16:08
But I, you know, you see it in people that come through Phoenix path.
16:12
There’s a lot of people that came through last year that had other trauma trainings from people that were actually very well accredited, but just because they could talk, the talk doesn’t mean that like going into the depth of it and changing that actually is still more rare.
16:27
So I’m looking forward to the inevitable thing when something becomes a trend and then the collective eats it up and then realizes like, wait, something’s not changing.
16:36
Like what do we do about that?
16:37
We’ve seen that with boundaries like the last couple of years, everyone, all of a sudden everyone’s talking about boundaries but then people are like, wait, boundaries aren’t just burning all your bridges.
16:47
I don’t know.
16:48
You know.
16:49
Yeah.
16:49
Like I use the word boundaries but don’t actually mean boundaries.
16:52
And so it’s, there’s this, you know, ma I think collectively so.
16:57
Yeah.
16:58
Yeah.
16:58
I mean, I love what you’re talking to.
16:59
It’s like so much about, like, yes, there are words, like these are words, you can look at the definition of it but like, what does it actually mean to practice it?
17:07
Be it and body, it live it and like be it.
17:11
I think really what it is, I think that’s the most difficult thing.
17:14
And especially with social media.
17:15
Like you hear, you think A plus B equals C and you’re like, but it says A plus B equals C, why isn’t it working?
17:23
And you’re like, no, it is good.
17:24
Like, why isn’t working?
17:26
Yeah, I’m so glad people are asking why it’s not working but people get frustrated and I think brings up a whole another topic.
17:33
This is why I can like, go different directions.
17:34
But like, I think so many people too, like, I have friends and coaches and mentors and people that are quote unquote doing the work, but they find themselves so stuck and finding themselves, like, beating themselves up about like, well, this keeps coming up.
17:49
Why can’t I move through it?
17:51
You know?
17:51
Or like, I thought I worked on this two years ago.
17:55
Why is it back again?
17:56
You know, like this constant thing of, like, we think that if we do A plus B, we’ll see that it’s going to essentially eliminate or cancel or completely, like, move on and move on to the next.
18:07
And I think there is so much there as to what that is and that almost leads me to truly what I wanted to talk about on the podcast was like the permission to feel all parts of me because I, if I’m talking honestly and transparently like, yes, I did so much work before joining the Phoenix path.
18:26
Like I’ve absorbed so many books.
18:28
I listened to so many podcasts.
18:30
I did, I signed up for coaches, I spent a lot of money on coaches, like I was doing the work in the way that I thought was doing the work and it gave me such incredible awareness of what was going on and I was able to embody some of it and like, actually, like, understand some of it.
18:48
But then there were still parts of me that got stuck and like the parts of me that got stuck were the parts of me that I felt like we were either right or wrong.
18:57
Like I was always stuck in between this right or wrong state or I was just like, no, like that’s not ok.
19:03
Like that part can’t be here because it’s quote unquote bad.
19:07
Like, the internal conversations that I had about the parts of you.
19:11
I know you’re probably lighting up right now.
19:13
I love this topic because it’s so crazy comment.
19:17
And it, and most practitioners don’t like, hides under the surface of sessions and it’s insane how most practitioners don’t even catch it and how sneaky it is to us.
19:27
So, I just love that you’re bringing it up because one of my favorite things to talk about.
19:32
Yeah.
19:32
And that’s why I want in Phoenix path I just constantly talking about.
19:36
Yeah.
19:36
And it’s, it was honestly the biggest thing that I talk about so much and honestly a big motivator of like the fully expressed podcasts and like what I’ve stepped into, I know.
19:45
Thank you, love you because I learned that if I wanted to express these parts of me and live these parts of me, I also had to learn and love the parts of me that I so badly wanted to like, say that they were wrong or I wanted to put them away or be like stubborn towards them and that kept me stuck.
20:04
But I think that truly was the thing that kept me stuck from like actually embodying the work and feeling the work and getting into that confident state of where I wanted to be because I subconsciously are parts of me that want to protect me or manage me and I’ll, I’ll throw you the ball after this.
20:19
But like, I, you know, at that time was so much easier for me to say no and I thought that they were wrong, like I had named them as bad and a part of me named them as bad was because of the information that I was also consuming from books, from podcasts from Instagram, which is like a whole another thing that’s fascinating.
20:43
It’s like, because, you know, they say that if you are feeling these things, you should be doing these things or, you know, there was like this, like better way to do things but never truly embodying the shadowy pieces or loving the shadowy pieces.
20:57
And so truly, that was the biggest thing.
20:59
And so I’d love for, to talk about what does that actually mean to welcome all parts of you, what is parts where, how to create space for them and then just like the different dances of like, how does someone actually fall in love with them and like move through that and be with them to the extent that they want to be seen and felt without being completely and also still staying resilient, have faith that it’s all coming together because when you’re in it, it can feel really messy and icky and hard, you know.
21:30
Oh yeah, it can feel like you made your life a little bit messier by get, there were a lot of it messier by getting into it too, which can be really scary.
21:38
And the like that, you know, and I think it, I’ve come to learn that it can prevent people actually from going in because they almost can sense or they’ve heard like, oh, no, if I go in there, I don’t know what’s gonna come out.
21:49
And the truth is you don’t, your whole system has created a way for you to not feel and sequester and survive.
21:56
And that’s beautiful.
21:57
And it’s amazing.
21:58
And it is like, and your life’s not gonna fully change if you don’t fully go into these parts.
22:04
But it’s fascinating what you’re talking about to me where especially people who are more high achieving oriented, but like everyone, but especially people that are more high achieving oriented, which tends to be people who I work with and who I attract because that’s me.
22:18
Don’t realize that when we go into healing work, we take all of that perfectionism, all of the pressure, all of the, like I need to do it, right?
22:27
And we have zero realization that you’re actually creating, you’re super imposing that onto your relationship to yourself and to your work.
22:35
And what I mean by that, that’s a mouthful.
22:37
But basically what I mean by that is if I don’t do this, if I don’t heal this, if I don’t get this right.
22:42
If this part doesn’t change, then I am XYZ.
22:44
Yep.
22:45
So that gives you zero ability to connect with yourself as you are and fundamentally.
22:51
And if you, you can search all throughout different spiritual traditions, different indigenous traditions.
22:57
It’s very Taoist what I’m about to say.
22:59
But it’s also like in vedic work, it’s, it’s in all of this, the truth traditions that are, you know, thousands of years old that the only way to transform is to connect to what is acceptance comes from being connected to what is, it does not come any other way.
23:14
Nothing can actually change other than what is, which sounds obvious, right?
23:19
Of course, nothing can change other than what is be because that’s the only thing that inherently exists.
23:26
But for the complexity of our psychology, especially in the Western world, which is based on achievement based on being a certain way, even if we go in and we’re like, I just want to discover myself.
23:36
We don’t even realize we all have these little and I want myself to be XYZ and I want it to be this part of the vision board.
23:43
And it’s like, well, I don’t know the part of you that like wants to destroy that person that hurt you and then you went to freeze and all of that destructive, intense fiery energy is like hidden somewhere.
23:56
I don’t know if that’s on your vision board.
23:58
Yeah, I don’t know if that fits into your self identity, but like, do you need that part of yourself out here?
24:04
Absolutely.
24:06
Do you need the part of yourself that doesn’t know what’s going on?
24:08
Here.
24:09
Absolutely.
24:10
But that is the piece we miss.
24:13
And it sounds like the piece that you’re talking about around these.
24:17
I don’t know, like maybe ways of saying, oh, you have this symptom.
24:21
So you need to respond in this way to fix it.
24:24
And that’s, that is the thing at the beginning of Phoenix path at the beginning of teaching anything.
24:30
You always teach the principles.
24:31
But you know, like I know as the teacher, I’m gonna teach you guys from the first start about trying to fix yourself and how that doesn’t work and how all the techniques try to fix yourself and it will never work.
24:43
And everyone’s like, yeah, but then when you actually get in and you actually see that in real action the, the way that we go in to try to identify what’s good, what’s bad, what’s right, what’s wrong?
24:57
And also we get so frustrated.
24:59
Why isn’t this part of me changing?
25:01
Well, it’s not changing because you’re not letting it exist as it is and think of yourself as a kid.
25:08
Sorry, sorry, I was just, I can everyone just hear that for a second.
25:11
It’s not gonna change unless you be with it as it is.
25:15
Like, I know it can be crazy for some people like, you know, like it was cringe for me too just to be able to be like you want me to be with this the way that it feels right now and we’re like, yes.
25:28
And they’re like, I don’t want that, you know, like people are like, I don’t want that but keep going.
25:33
I just felt like that’s such a big little piece that it’s like, yeah, stay right here, just everything just here.
25:41
Yeah.
25:41
And I think part of why it’s really hard as we come up again, like, it’s incredibly uncomfortable, right?
25:47
Like when you actually get into a part of yourself that you have experienced shame in, you have been told by your culture or by your parents or by society is wrong or bad or you’ve been punished a bunch for it or you’re, you know, family didn’t have space to hold space for it or it doesn’t match who you think that you need to become.
26:09
So that other people see you as like worthy of love or valid or respectable or whatever it is, right?
26:16
That craft these incredibly beautiful complex identities on, right?
26:23
But we don’t realize that we sequester different parts of ourselves in order for those identities to exist.
26:30
And so when you start to come into a place where like how I identify as this is what’s right.
26:36
This is what’s good.
26:36
This is what I want people to see of me.
26:39
And this is actually what I’m feeling and have another human being actually be really present with you in a session.
26:45
There’s a lot of fancy tricks you can have, but man just learning to have capacity to hold presence and be accepting and embracing and loving.
26:53
And, and I think that’s another thing that I, I teach curiosity because I am a genuinely curious person.
27:00
Like all of my friends know this, I’m constantly asking questions about literally anything because because it’s fascinating to me, everything is fascinating and so like these parts of ourselves, we don’t accept or embrace, we have to learn to be curious about, but they create dissonance.
27:17
It is if it is dissonant, if this feels opposing to my identity or what I’ve been allowed to be or not allowed to be, is so uncomfortable to just be there much less like express it in a way where I may look messy or weird or crazy or whatever it is, right?
27:35
And no matter how normal it may be for you to see that part of someone else and be like, oh, it’s beautiful and be your best self, embrace it.
27:45
You know, when you sh up when you have to be in those parts, it’s so viscerally uncomfortable.
27:51
And I think to your point, if we as practitioners or as leaders are skipping the part of really embracing and exploring and being like, let’s actually pause and not try to fix this about you.
28:06
We miss a huge part of the person sitting in front of us.
28:10
We do them a huge disservice and we unconsciously probably from ways that we were taught or ways we think we need to be to fix ourselves.
28:19
We limit what that person can actually experience of themselves, their innate gifts.
28:25
There.
28:26
Any intelligence?
28:27
I mean, I love it.
28:28
Like, I love when I find out like, in our demo session, I, I will never forget that where we found that part of that.
28:36
I just, I don’t know, I don’t remember the name that we, I don’t know if it was like sassy or like Brady or it was Brady.
28:42
I was like, there’s this really bratty part of me.
28:45
Yeah, we did a demo session and we went down like multiple layers of layers in that session.
28:50
But there was this full on Brady side that was like, no, like not gonna do that like super sassy and like, I could just feel her like within me and I was just, she was like so present.
29:01
Yeah.
29:02
And I like, I mean, it’s amazing how we could have done a whole session and then that part could have just hung out over here the whole time and like been like, yeah, you do that session, you do the other parts of me, you guys do that.
29:15
I’m gonna say over here but it was actually by going into the no and the fuck you.
29:20
And they’re like, I don’t actually want to, you can’t make me that we found like that’s where the goods are.
29:27
Yeah.
29:28
You know, like there.
29:29
So that was like such a I think reflecting back like that was such a, like a, wow, it’s ok for me to act bratty in this moment, you know, and it was like my truth at that time, you know, and I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to like, witness that part of me and that bratty part of me that almost like stubbornness sassiness that was like, literally keeping me from where I wanted to be.
29:51
But like, instead of me just like hopping over the fence and be like, oh, we’re not even gonna be there.
29:56
You know, I’m just gonna hop over real quick.
29:58
Let’s just avoid her and be like, oh, I let me just go to the thing that I want, you know, like I so badly had to learn how to actually be with that part of me and express it and see it and feel her and be in it and hold capacity for her.
30:11
And like all the things, one question that came up that has come up for clients myself and something that I’ve never truly thought.
30:19
But this one client asked me and I’m so curious what you think about this.
30:22
But I’ve gotten the question before of like, why would I express myself if I can’t be helped?
30:27
And like, what’s the point of me showing these parts of me if they’re not gonna be received or they’re not going to be held well?
30:35
Or the person on the other side doesn’t know how to hold me.
30:40
And I think this comes up in relationships sometimes because, you know, as you’re learning to express yourself, maybe you’re just one part of the partner, one partner is learning to express themselves.
30:49
They’re starting to put themselves out there.
30:51
But the other person doesn’t know how to be with what’s coming up.
30:55
And the person that’s trying to express themselves, you can see that they’re trying to manage their experience because at the end of the day, they’re not actually expressing themselves or openly communicating what’s really coming up for them and that can create disconnect in the relationship.
31:08
But like, again, like, why would someone want to express themselves if it’s not going to be held or received?
31:15
Well, what’s the point is the kind of question that I get?
31:18
I mean, it makes sense.
31:19
I want everyone to ask that question risky as fuck.
31:24
Totally.
31:25
Like, OK, so I’m gonna do this thing and this person may not actually give me what they want.
31:30
And I think it’s important in those situations like having parameters or like having, having containers set because some, and this is not the majority of people I know it’s not you.
31:40
But there’s some people that can be like, you know, you like, give them an inch and they’re like, oh, I can just freak out and like go off whenever I want.
31:48
But then there’s also people that are like, you know, so that’s not what we’re talking about, but having a container set where your partner knows and I’m in a whole other phase of this now where your partner knows, hey, I, in these situations sometimes not super direct about exactly what I’m feeling and exactly how I’m feeling.
32:08
And maybe part of that is because I don’t think that you can hold me.
32:11
I don’t think that, you know, I think that you’re gonna leave if you see this part of me, which is very like, I’m gonna be abandoned.
32:18
You know, there’s so many different reasons why we feel that stuff.
32:21
And so what I hear behind the question of like, well, what’s the point is actually if I do X, why is gonna happen?
32:30
Why would I do X?
32:32
And so there’s a sense of risk.
32:35
I think that ultimately, it’s kind of hiding behind that.
32:39
So that’s kind of like the question kinda within a question.
32:43
But I mean, the question directly is when we actually give ourselves space to feel fully and express fully what is actually happening inside of ourselves, what we do is we create alignment with what’s going on inside and having an expressed out side and the feeling of that alignment, especially in relationship.
33:09
Oh my God, you can be in a relationship with someone and you both have like half of yourselves that aren’t actually relating at all.
33:15
You’re just in your own little private world, having your own conversation, having your own resentment, having your own, having your own man.
33:21
I wish I could say that.
33:22
But I’m so scared because what happens if I get abandoned, if I say that or whatever will happen, right?
33:27
And the feeling of that sucks.
33:30
The feeling of that is excruciating because you’re not, you can’t actually have intimacy.
33:35
So see, it sounds like a nice word, right?
33:39
Oh Intimacy.
33:40
Sometimes intimacy means like here’s a really fucking messy part of myself that I don’t know what to do with and it is really confused and is really angry and it’s kind of a total mess and here it is.
33:50
Yeah.
33:52
Yes.
33:53
And getting to do that and just be like if they can’t hold you be really received in it and held in it or at least acknowledged for it and seen for it.
34:02
Even if that person doesn’t give you exactly what you want in the perfect way that you want it.
34:06
You now know what it feels like for that part of you to not be secret somewhere, your body knows what it feels like for that to express.
34:13
So it’s like the beginning of what I would say is like this really, it’s so visceral.
34:19
I mean, I’m curious your experience of it.
34:21
So you’ve gone through a lot of it.
34:23
Hence the name of this podcast.
34:24
Yeah, I mean, I, I really hone it like, I think I’ve gone through that, like with specific people, I’ve been so blessed within my partnership to have someone that is safe and is ready for the feminine chaos and I can go wherever I wanna go with him.
34:38
Like I’ve been really blessed in that way.
34:40
But even in having a relationship that is where he has done a lot of his own work, I would say no matter how safe he made it, I still had to learn to work through the assumptions of like, I think you’re gonna judge me or I feel like you might leave me if I say this or you’re gonna look at me differently if I’m honestly about these things and I had to work through myself.
35:03
But I want to go back to what you said, like letting inviting them into that conversation, not necessarily inviting them into like the chaos just yet, but like the door that it takes to open up to whatever the messiness is, whatever the truth is, whatever is an alignment for you.
35:18
And like, I think I found so much intimacy and connection and just letting him into those conversations and then him being like, you know, receiving that and being like, no, I’m here for you, whatever it is and just talking through that and then getting to a place of like, truly opening up the messiness and like going on and be like, all right now, you know how I feel so that but I think my truth has always been like, in, if I honor my truth that I’m in a light because I realized for so long being someone that did not communicate openly or was more submissive or people pleaser or soft, I didn’t own my truth as honestly.
35:55
But by speaking it, like you said, it put me in alignment and that’s what I was fighting for at the end of the day, it was for me, it wasn’t for the person on the other side receiving it for my partner.
36:07
It’s for me.
36:09
And that’s really the thing that carried me into, like, even wanting to do that even though yes, scary and yes, there’s a ton with it.
36:17
But that totally, I mean, it’s amazing to watch and I’ve experienced this again.
36:23
Like I said, I’m going through another phase of this where the risk is all the fears that you’re gonna judge me.
36:30
You’re never gonna see me exactly what you said.
36:32
You’re never gonna see me in the same light we’re gonna break up, right?
36:35
Kind of like the ultimate fear, like you’re gonna leave me or we’re gonna be abandoned.
36:38
But like, ultimately this container is gonna change.
36:41
I’m ready for that, you know, like whatever, you know, like wanting to hold on to like the way that it looks exactly like the way, yeah, the way that it look, the way that it feels day to day and the normal.
36:52
But, but the thing is you’re exchanging, you’re taking the risk to create more intimacy and by really actually authentically expressing yourself, which does take the inner work and I wanna acknowledge that, like, it takes really excavating these different parts of yourself.
37:08
So that first and foremost, you have a phone line to them.
37:11
And that’s something that I repeat in Phoenix path a lot.
37:13
It’s like if you want someone to see you, you have to see yourself and if you want someone to hear you, you have to hear yourself.
37:19
And that is one of those things that is like, oh that sounds nice and cool and catchy.
37:23
But like actually when you see that mechanism happened, it feels like fucking magic because you’re all of a sudden in contact with truths that you have hidden even from yourself because you felt like you couldn’t have them, it wasn’t safe.
37:37
You get in contact with those and then you literally are moving through a process.
37:42
This also trips me out of developing things as a kid were stunted.
37:46
So part of why it feels so messy is because those parts expressing actually never got to.
37:53
And so yes, you are however old you are.
37:56
But this part that’s expressing is opening up parts of your throat and opening up connections between your mind and your heart or your, your sense of self and your environment.
38:07
Like so many different neurop pathways are firing that are brand new, that didn’t get to have the myelin sheath and didn’t get developed in the way that they’re like now solidified.
38:18
And so it feels hard or confusing or clunky or weird or scary because you’re literally actually in real time developing parts of yourself that didn’t get development.
38:29
But also back to the original point, like you get to be in relation, you get to be fully in relationship to the other person.
38:37
And I’ve gotten to places in my partnership where it’s like, no matter what happens on the other end of this, we will both know ourselves more and we will both be more connected and relating to each other in the most real way.
38:50
Not in this way of keeping the status quo, not in this way of how we need to be or how we should be, but not in the way of what’s been passed on from our parents.
38:59
But the realness of each other, no matter what that’s gonna bring us closer.
39:03
If that brings us closer in a way that the relationship changes, which is the risk, then if that’s our truest expression, that’s what love is here to do.
39:12
But if we don’t do that, I don’t know, like it, it seeps its way into everything.
39:17
Intimacy is less.
39:19
Sex is not as good like every day to day.
39:23
Yeah, it’s just, it’s like the quiet thing that you could not do.
39:28
But if you do it, everything gets more vivid totally.
39:32
And something that I feel like a lot of people get stuck in, I think is in the comfortable of it being that way like where it’s like, well, we’ve already, we’ve already created so much disconnect functioning in the way that we are like my nervous system, my ego, however we want to talk about it is like, very comfortable in saying here.
39:50
So like for even someone listen, you know what I mean?
39:52
Like they’re, they’re living the life, the relationship, they do all the quote unquote things, check off the boxes.
39:57
But like, you know, they’re not actually deeply connected and neither they think they’re living their truth by checking off the connections, but they’re not really living in their truth because not all of them is being expressed in their relationship.
40:10
There’s this like, cool disconnect that happens.
40:13
What would you say?
40:14
Is that part of us or how would you describe the part of us that chooses to stay comfortable in that, like, really, like I’m good here.
40:25
I mean, that sounds great and all, but I’m good.
40:28
I can say I’ve been doing this for 10, 5, 10, 2015, 30 50 years plus more.
40:34
Why would I even want to start that process?
40:38
But like, you know, the part of us that keeps us stuck.
40:41
Yeah, because this is the funny thing about defense systems and, and safety.
40:47
It’s like somewhere it’s safe.
40:49
But then that boats the question and I think this is a really important thing, especially with like the trauma informed, this is totally tangential and I won’t go off on it.
40:58
But the word safe and everything.
41:01
This obsession with everything being ultra, ultra, ultra safe and this from someone who, like, teaches trauma resolution team shows trauma informed stuff.
41:07
But we went like way too hardcore into safety land to the point where it’s like, well, what is safety, what does that word even actually mean?
41:15
And some people actually may be very happy with, like, look, I get it.
41:21
My partner has a lot of their own stuff going on and we don’t talk about this stuff and I have this other part of my life and or other part of me and like, I don’t share that with them.
41:31
I’m OK with that.
41:32
Like, that’s just the way that life is.
41:33
And I think that a lot of us I know for sure with me, if I look at my parents, like that’s, that’s kind of how the culture that they’re part of is.
41:41
And if I look at my grandparents, that’s definitely how the culture was.
41:45
So a couple generations back, like you just deal with it, you don’t need to do all of this other extra work.
41:51
That’s just the way that it is and that may work for people.
41:55
And also I’ve experienced that the more aware of myself that I get the more of this kind of work that I do to heal, to wake up parts of myself, to integrate all these different aspects of my psyche, to be more connected to my soul.
42:10
I am less and less comfortable being closed off in parts of myself in my life, especially my close partnerships and friendships, you know, like this, this ability to have this life of li living on the edge of my evolution is always so much more worth it then just muting myself, you know, and then it’s scary.
42:35
It doesn’t mean that I’m not afraid of it.
42:37
That doesn’t mean at times where I’m not like, why am I like this?
42:40
You know, it doesn’t mean that like that.
42:42
It’s, it’s always, you know, Nama stay.
42:46
But what I mean, ultimately is that like, it makes life more vivid if you’re truly want to be more connected to yourself, more in alignment with your soul’s expression and not feeling like everything is mundane and a little bit gray and like it’s ok, but it’s, but you can kind of feel there’s a flavor missing, you know, I would liken that to like, ok, great.
43:11
You have, you do your work, you come home, you watch TV and eat dinner and then you go to bed, maybe you have sex once a week and it’s all right and it’s good like you can do all of that and that’s great if that’s what you love.
43:23
But for me, man, that gets mundane, like also this strange thing has been happening to me recently because I’ve discovered parts of myself recently where I’m like, oh, that’s probably like matriarchal lineage stuff that you just don’t bring this up and you just don’t talk that way because you’re not supposed to in partnership.
43:43
Like things that I didn’t notice until recently.
43:46
And I realized that in my four year relationship, I only until the past six months have been muting all parts of myself.
43:56
But what’s also been muted is my meditations have been less vivid.
44:00
My writing flow has been far less wired.
44:04
My dreams have been less vivid, like the, the symbolism and the messages I get through my dreams have like they stopped for a long time.
44:11
And I didn’t know why my poetry, I started writing less poetry.
44:16
I would meditate and I would just feel less connected to this flow of connection to my soul.
44:21
And all of that started to come back when I started to express these things that I internally was like, you can’t, you don’t bring that here.
44:30
You don’t express that.
44:31
And I didn’t even expect that to happen.
44:34
But it makes so much sense.
44:35
You know, I was disconnecting from my soul’s voice.
44:38
So, yeah, it’s scary.
44:41
You don’t have to do it, but you get a lot more on the other side.
44:45
Totally.
44:45
At least my experience sounds like that’s experience.
44:49
Yeah.
44:49
No, 100%.
44:50
And I got a little teary eyed and like goose bumpy when you were talking about like, you know, I’m here for my evolution.
44:56
Like I’m so excited for like to continue to explore what that means for me and leaning into that and wanting to like, shed those layers because I believe in that same way, like, especially like in the last like two years, like, really, really finding that for myself.
45:10
And I’m like, I’ve been stuck in between either getting a tattoo for being expressed or for like my personal evolution.
45:15
I don’t know which word I’m gonna choose because that, that yummi that you’re talking about right now, like now that you started to do the risky, the edgy speaking the truth of your soul, it has sparked some kind of fire within you and brought back what’s really true within you.
45:32
And that’s what I feel as I lean into also expressing the things that are uncomfortable or doing the things that feel like, oh, this might not be right or I shouldn’t be doing this or like, is it too edgy?
45:44
Too big?
45:45
Is it gonna shift the way that people look at me?
45:48
Well, I mean, there’s just so many things like defense systems that you were talking about, which is something that we learned in the Phoenix path as well.
45:54
That come up and every time I lean into it, it like just like almost like pushes me, launches me back to like, oh, this is me, you know, like I know it’s just like, yeah, OK, I’m back.
46:05
This is cool and we have these signs around us that feel mundane that feel stuck, that feel gray that feel like that.
46:14
And we’re like, what the heck is going on and you’re like, what am I not being honest about, or what am I not being true about or like, what am I all these things?
46:24
And yeah, there’s just so much yummi that comes from leaning into the edge and being in that aliveness and it’s just so great.
46:32
Yes, it’s freaking scary.
46:33
But it’s still really, it feels really good when you receive it.
46:36
Yeah.
46:37
It’s like the difference between eating, you know, mcdonald’s and being like, well, it’s like, kind of tastes fine and I’m not hungry anymore to like eating like a five star gourmet meal and being like, whoa, this, this is different, you know, and I’m like, or worse kind of addicted to that feeling of like, oh my God, this is me.
47:00
Like, this is the full expression of the truth of myself.
47:05
And it’s, I think it’s hard when you’re, I mean, I get it like I’ve been, I’m sure you have too, like, rev been on those, on the edge of those places where you’re like, oh, I don’t really want to go into that territory because it’s gonna bring up a bunch of stuff and it seems better not to like the gray can feel, it can feel good, good.
47:27
I can feel cozy to hang out in, but it’s never been, I can, I don’t know.
47:34
I’m curious about your experience with this for me.
47:36
If I look at like, has it ever not been worth it to lean into that edge and express myself, especially in the way that, like, life shows up, like all the synchronicities start happening again.
47:48
Like, it’s like life turns on in this whole other, like, video game mode that I don’t know, it’s never not been worth it.
47:54
No, I feel like life has always met me in, in it in some way.
47:59
right?
47:59
Like, and I also think that it depends on the mindset that I’ve been in because if I’ve leaned into something you like, oh, well, now it doesn’t work, you know, like see all the negative.
48:09
But I think the more that I’ve experienced how life has met me, the more open I am to seeing, seeing how life is meeting me continuing to meet me if that makes sense.
48:20
So totally, I do wanna also shift into a lot of what I learned in the Phoenix path that I think is really important and a lot of what we’re talking about like the expression of self and not like that one as a practitioner.
48:36
What can we do to create capacity?
48:39
I mean, this is the other thing that the Phoenix pass gave me was such a it helped me create capacity to fully hold someone’s expression and be in that and navigate that with eyes and lenses that I didn’t even know I needed, right?
48:55
Like I was just like, wait, I can see things so much differently now.
49:00
Like this person is going through this entire experience and I’m not just gonna use my words to try and guide them out of it.
49:07
Like I can see what’s actually happening.
49:09
Like and I have the tools to be able to do that versus like before the Phoenix path, I think intuitively, I my body knew what was going on, but truly being able to put words to what the client was experiencing in their expression, which with whether it was freeze fun fight or flight, like whatever was coming up for them, one, what can we do to create capacity to hold the client in that?
49:32
And what does it actually look like to navigate someone honestly through that experience?
49:37
And what does the client feel on the other side of that, which I think is a whole another element to this?
49:45
I, so I’m totally, I will totally answer that question.
49:47
But I’m curious from your perspective, going through the experience of that and, and feeling like, oh, my capacity is shifting.
49:54
I have more capacity or I’m not as maybe caught in like one phase of something or having to figure it out as a practitioner.
50:02
Like what do you think contributed to that if you were to look back on it?
50:06
Because I know we, I mean, the fact that we went through like such a long intensive training, there’s a lot of things.
50:11
But I’m curious for you?
50:13
Like what you, I think mapping out my own system was really, really helpful.
50:19
I think we did at the beginning, like, very much like identifying where I, when I would be in fight or flight or when I would be in a fun state.
50:26
I never was really in like a much of a free state.
50:28
I was always like fight or flight in some relationships, especially like family relationships.
50:34
If I got there at my go to has always been a fun response, trauma response.
50:40
And so like mapping out my own system was probably the most helpful.
50:44
And then when we were in sessions with people and holding space because, you know, I don’t know if you’re doing it the same way this way, but we were able to actually practice what we learned each week and we would go back and forth in practicing on one another.
50:58
You know, I remember specifically you might remember this, there was someone on the call that was more fiery than I was and I started to, even if she was, they were not necessarily like being fiery towards me just energetically held more fire.
51:14
Oh My system would freak the fuck out.
51:16
Like I was just like all of a sudden my brain was like, I was thinking too much.
51:22
I was sweating, like not much was going on.
51:25
And then after being able to first map my system and then put myself in the room with different people and their energies and where they’re at.
51:32
I was like, oh ding, ding, ding, this is what’s going on.
51:36
And then I was able to be with that and work through that.
51:39
But I think really learning how to map my system was probably the biggest tool that gave me throughout the entire time because I was able to not only see them in their system but just see how my system reacted to them in their system.
51:51
Yeah, see this to me is the the goal like and this is also what a lot of modalities are missing.
51:59
And this is like from someone who used to teach some of those modalities, I find self knowledge to be one of the most important parts of being a really good leader and practitioner period.
52:11
End of story because you are your own instrument, it’s like I could teach a whole room full of people than we do to do the same technique.
52:21
But the reason why I lead in with so as to your question, like, what can practitioners do to get better and to build more capacity, study your self, like a specimen, study yourself with the right teachers who will hold you and reflect you and see the uniqueness of your system and help you understand yourself, not by telling you about yourself, but by being curious and asking you questions.
52:44
So you discover the like visceral experiences of your different states and the different mechanisms that are going on because you can understand all that shit in your head.
52:53
Like there’s 20 million books about and all the personality tests.
52:58
But like, I work like this but like when it’s happening, what’s going on when you’re triggered, when a client triggers you, when I don’t know, like a sales call triggers you when your partner triggers you, when your family triggers you, when you notice a shift from one state to another, like really taking time to track and to map what is going on.
53:19
And I think that if I were to teach practitioners and I have in the past by other people with other modalities, which is why I took everything that I liked from different modalities and then put in like my own sauce to them.
53:30
If you were to teach someone a bunch of different modalities and techniques without them understanding and knowing themselves, then we will inherently intellectualize it and we will come to our clients more intellectual because we get it up here, which is beautiful and we need to, right?
53:47
But if you don’t know your own system, we are human beings.
53:51
We create regulation like through my voice right now to anyone that’s listening and to you, I’m communicating my nervous system state.
54:00
I’m communicating to your animal body, what my animal body is feeling, right?
54:05
So for me to understand and, and embody different states and track my state changes and understand my, what triggers me and what doesn’t and why and then move into creating regulation there first as an instrument before I’m using whatever techniques I’m using, it will make the technique that you’re using work a million times better, a million times better because of your state because of your awareness, right?
54:33
Even even in the the basic teaching of compassion, like for the reason why I’m able to be so compassionate for all the like messy, crazy parts of everyone is because I know my own shit.
54:44
Like I know how crazy and messy I can get, I understand like the full spectrum of the human experience, I have unsocial myself so much that like you could bring whatever at me for the most part.
54:56
And I would be like, OK, cool.
54:58
Tell me more about that.
54:59
Like what does that part feel?
55:00
Like?
55:00
You know, it’s hard to phase me.
55:02
And so through that like the clients and the students that I have, they feel that I don’t need to communicate like, hey, you can bring whatever at me.
55:10
I mean, I do but intrinsically you can feel how much I’ve got you because of how much I’ve had to learn to get me.
55:18
And so I think there’s an intuitive knowing of like if you take time to map your own system, your own states, you know, a lot of us, a lot of people that come to me are caught in fight mode, they’re like in mission mode all the time they don’t know how to slow down because slowing down feels like dying.
55:34
So coming to a session and being like, it can feel quote unquote productive but actually learning to work with like, oh, why am I in that state?
55:43
Oh my gosh, I am going really fast.
55:45
Ok.
55:46
What happens to my body when I go fast?
55:48
What happens to my voice?
55:49
How do I like very like, like mapping every part of your different states which I’m huge on and the reason I’m huge on it because it works not because you can now have a journal that you can show me and be like just actually this and this and this is how I feel.
56:04
That’s all great.
56:05
You can have your own map of yourself.
56:07
But as you’re doing that, you’re bringing presents all these different parts of yourself, the more you do that, the better practitioner, you are any modality.
56:16
So I think self knowledge and doing your own work just it just translates, it’s what makes the most masterful people.
56:23
And then to your question about how that affects client results.
56:25
I think I kind of answered that like your clients feel your states, you know, we’re constant whether we want to or not.
56:32
We’re like, am I safe for this person?
56:34
Like does this person really got me, do I need to perform for this person?
56:39
Like being a good student?
56:41
Like the parts of us are like, I wanna be a good student.
56:43
I wanna be a good client.
56:44
OK?
56:44
I’m just gonna do this session the way that I’m supposed to do it to be a good client.
56:48
It’s like if your practitioner can’t catch that, you’re gonna do the, the whole session.
56:53
Like, OK, I’m going through all the steps, I’m doing it right.
56:56
You know.
56:56
So I think it’s important to understand like your own, your own system, first and foremost, map the basics, do the body scans, do all the journaling prompts about basic somatic foundational work.
57:07
You know, and if you don’t know where to find those, I’m sure you’ve got a bunch of stuff, you can give your people, I’ve got a bunch of stuff.
57:13
I can give your people like ABC, you wanna be a good fellow, you wanna be a good poet and be a good songwriter, like learn your own, a bit of yourself first and foremost.
57:23
Yeah.
57:23
Yeah.
57:24
Like get to know you.
57:25
Like when you said earlier too, like I have felt like a shift too.
57:29
Like I’ve always been someone like go for it.
57:32
I want to see that part of you.
57:33
What do you feel when you let it out?
57:34
Like I’m here for that, but now it’s like a whole another level of like you can bring me whatever and I’m here for it because a I think by mapping my own system too, I’m so much more unattached from the stories that I’ve created about the different parts of me.
57:51
And so in return, I’m able to do that for the people that I love, you know, like, not just relationships but clients, but I can also be like, there’s really no judgment to what you’re experiencing.
58:02
It, it’s here and that’s ok and I’m not, and that took me getting to a place of not judging my own parts because, you know, on a deeper level and someone can feel that.
58:14
And I know too, I think I wanna say it’s 75% of communication is all energetic and embodiment, like really none of it embodied language.
58:23
And so as much as you say, things, there’s such a difference and actually feeling the person and knowing that they can truly be with anything that is coming up.
58:34
And then the last part that you said so beautifully, I’m now having a brain fart, but it was like right there.
58:43
oh, the body awareness that you’re talking to, you know, like, that’s another thing that this work has been such a blessing for the somatics is like, truly knowing when my body is like in such an intense state and like recognizing like, truly, like immediately knowing like, oh, I’m in fight or flight, I’m like shoulders are up, I’m I’m tight, like I’m barely breathing and it’s so crazy that unless you bring the awareness and create the practice of bringing presents to yourself, you could live your whole life feeling that way and never realize how contracted or stressed or closed off or disassociated you are because that’s your norm.
59:21
And there’s such a beautiful gift that comes from mapping yourself out and bringing such a beautiful presence to your body because you’re like, wow, I know my body very well.
59:31
I’m clearly triggered right now, like very or I am not really present.
59:36
I am in the moon.
59:37
You know, I’m, I’m, I’m somewhere else or I’m focusing so hard on work that I’m barely breathing, you know, like there’s so many things that our body is already doing for us.
59:47
It’s just a matter of us kind of learning to be with it in the moment.
59:50
Oh my God.
59:51
And it’s so helpful, right?
59:52
Like it’s so awful to be like, ok, I am super angry and shut down and basically, like I can feel it from my state or my sense of myself or the way that my body is positioned or the way that I feel viscerally physically.
1:00:11
And so what do I know from that?
1:00:12
Well, I know that I’m probably perceiving the world a certain way.
1:00:15
I’m probably perceiving you a certain way.
1:00:17
I’m probably gonna say something that is from a protective part of myself and I know that that normally doesn’t actually get me what I want, even though it’s very riveting, it’s very riveting to stay disassociated because like I’m fine, whatever.
1:00:32
I don’t know, you know, it’s like our own little personal built in Valium that we have when we dissociate, you know, and to bring lucidity to that is, it’s amazing.
1:00:45
And I think there’s something that translates so much better when you see it in yourself because you recognize it in people way more.
1:00:52
You know, I know my disassociation or I know other people’s associations of all because I’ve known my own, I know my pent up anger or rage or whatever it is because because I know my own.
1:01:04
And so I think also one of the ways that, that bleeds into like client work or like group work, you’re always gonna have things that may back to you your own states.
1:01:13
And like one thing that I’ve had a lot of is I’ve been very anti authority.
1:01:18
So what did I attract?
1:01:20
Well, quite a bit of people who would test me.
1:01:23
There would always be like 1 to 4 students who would be in like a low power dynamic with me.
1:01:28
And it still happens sometimes and it’s always interesting to be like, oh OK, that’s, that’s where you want to play right now.
1:01:34
OK.
1:01:34
Great.
1:01:35
I gonna demonize that.
1:01:36
No, because I get it like I used to do that, you know, and I know why I used to do it.
1:01:42
Do I know how to kung fu around it more because I actually know what’s going on underneath.
1:01:47
Absolutely.
1:01:48
But no one was like, hey, here’s how to deal with power dynamics in a session if I like, I teach that now because I know it well, but I know how to deal with that because I know myself so well.
1:02:01
I know what I needed.
1:02:02
I know what that person is actually saying or asking for behind their words.
1:02:06
And that’s just one example, you know, like there’s a lot of different examples when I have a close friend who, like when they shut down, they really want you to, to engage.
1:02:18
But most people are like, oh, you’re shut down, I’m gonna not engage you, you know, and to know like, OK, I’m gonna take the risk and actually go in more, all that stuff comes from a lot of self knowledge.
1:02:31
And then like you said, also cross pollinating with a lot of different kinds of systems.
1:02:35
You can’t beat that.
1:02:37
I think there’s something about constantly getting exposed to other people’s systems that really helps too.
1:02:41
I love how you said that because especially the last one I can relate to that.
1:02:44
Like, whenever I would shut down, all I wanted was someone to ask me how it really was.
1:02:48
Yeah, I could never say that because yes, also my energy was so distant and blocked off and whatever.
1:02:55
But at the end of the day, that’s all that I ever wanted was someone to lean in.
1:02:59
And so I think I also see how creating capacity for ourselves and like how you created about like, I can lean in, like, let me lean in and meet you where you’re at versus just giving you space.
1:03:10
And there’s also, I think it depends on where they’re at.
1:03:12
Right.
1:03:12
There’s always like, hey, it’s a little further away boundaries.
1:03:15
I get it not crossing them just, like, genuinely knowing.
1:03:18
That is so beautiful.
1:03:20
Yeah.
1:03:20
Not taking it personally.
1:03:21
I think also, I think that’s another thing that I try to catch should be a lot.
1:03:25
But like when I notice when students get it, like when someone’s defense system comes up and you don’t take it personally and you actually learn that muscle of like being curious, it changes so many things, it changes so many things.
1:03:39
So, yeah, it’s, that’s a whole another one.
1:03:41
I wish we had time to do that.
1:03:43
I was like, at this point, I was like, that’s such a huge one of not taking it personally because that comes up in relationships in life and business all the time and every situation, even, even clients, you know, like knowing that it’s not at you, it’s just them, you know, in that moment and going through their experience.
1:04:02
But maybe we can have another episode on just that, that’s a whole another thing.
1:04:08
But what I would love for you to share is talk a little bit about Phoenix path where it’s when we so where can someone sign up?
1:04:16
When is the deadline to sign up?
1:04:18
What does it look like?
1:04:20
Because I would love to share obviously this container that completely changed my life with other people and other people that are listening to this.
1:04:27
So if you could just share all the details, that would be so great.
1:04:30
Yeah.
1:04:31
So I feel like we’ve talked about it so much that I’m like if the basics of it or it’s a trauma informed and trauma trained practitioner training, it’s a six month certification.
1:04:42
You will be practicing and going through all of the things that you are learning just as much as like you’ll be receiving as client just as much as you will be practicing as practitioner for all the reasons that we just went off on for like half an hour.
1:04:57
And you’ll also be learning a fair amount for me.
1:05:01
There’s two retreats that are included that can be attended in person in Boulder or Colorado or virtually.
1:05:07
And so you can, if you’re like in Europe or in another country, you can attend as well virtually.
1:05:12
And then you can sign up.
1:05:14
My name is Jessica Benstock.
1:05:16
It’s Jessica Benstock dot com slash the dash Phoenix dash path.
1:05:22
And if you just go to Jessica Benstock dot com, it’s under programs, you can also check out my website and different things.
1:05:30
Testimonials.
1:05:31
There’s tons of testimonials on there as well from SU K is one of them.
1:05:35
My Instagrams.
1:05:37
Great.
1:05:37
It’s Jessica dot Benstock on Instagram.
1:05:40
And yeah, if you, if a practitioner training like that sounds exciting to you.
1:05:46
Like I promise you, I pour my heart and soul into this thing.
1:05:50
I love my people and stand for you so much.
1:05:54
And I know, like I can say, with absolute certainty that you come out of it changed and transformed and way more confident in your skills to hold space.
1:06:03
And if you’re like, I don’t need a whole practitioner training in six months.
1:06:07
And that sounds like a big investment of time and money.
1:06:09
That’s totally fine.
1:06:10
I also have something called center, which is a semantic toolkit for emotional mastery.
1:06:14
And that is a self paced course.
1:06:17
So you can do that on your own.
1:06:19
And there are six pretty dense modules about different forms of emotional mastery, as well as an entire library of nervous system regulation practices and emotional processing and the repression tools.
1:06:31
And that’s called center.
1:06:32
That’s also on my website.
1:06:34
So good.
1:06:35
Yeah, I highly recommend anyone listening.
1:06:37
And also even if you’re just like a client, not even someone that wants to be a practitioner, really, I think searching for this practice to perceive is also one of the biggest gifts that I think we can just give each other on a personal level.
1:06:52
So maybe working with a practitioner that is somatic informed or has gone through one of your programs would be received just the blessings that we all talked about, right?
1:07:00
It’s such a you don’t have to be necessarily just a practitioner.
1:07:03
But Jess, thank you so much for coming on to here and speaking with you.
1:07:09
You have no idea.
1:07:10
Again, like the blessings that you have created in my life, the way that I feel who I am, what I believe in and how I express myself is such a testament to being able to work with you in that container.
1:07:21
Not even one on one.
1:07:22
I can’t even imagine what one on one with you would be, but like in that container feels so intimate as well.
1:07:28
So yeah, thank you so much.
1:07:29
This was absolutely amazing.
1:07:31
You’re so welcome.
1:07:32
Thank you so much for having me on.
1:07:34
It’s so good to connect with you and see where you’re at now.
1:07:36
Thank you and then for those listening, I’ll make sure to put all of that in the show notes for you again.
1:07:43
If you like this episode, please share that with someone that might be interested in listening to it.
1:07:49
Ha Us on Instagram if you got a chance to listen to it.
1:07:53
And with that being said, sending you all so much love.
1:07:56
Thank you.
1:07:57
Bye.

Full Transcript0:00:00 – Speaker 1
Welcome to the Fully Expressed podcast with Karenna. I’m so excited for today because I have a very special guest that’s coming in to join us. I’d like to introduce you to Jessica Meunier. I hope I pronounced her name right. Last name right. Is that how I pronounced your last name? Pretty close, yeah, mounier Mounier, that’s how it is.
So I got a chance to meet Jessica Mounier through one of my dearest friends, hazel Chadwick. Hazel and I went to college and she reached out and has worked closely with Jessica and also are really good friends with Jessica, and so I really, once I met Jessica and got to learn a little bit about your story, I was like, ooh, I would love to have you on the podcast. I think what you’re doing when it comes to money and personal finances and how it not only impacts our day-to-day lives and how we live, but also how it impacts our mental health, I think is such an important topic, and so for today, we’re going to dive into all the things around money, your relationship with money, like how your mental health can be impacted by money, whether having a lot of money or not having a lot of money, feeling that scarcity mindset, I mean anything along those lines and I think that’s such an important topic that I wish more people talked about. So, with that being said, I’d like you all to meet Jessica Hi.
0:01:19 – Speaker 2
Jessica, hi Hi, karina, hi everybody. Thank you for listening. I’m so happy to be here and I’m really passionate about mental health as well, and so I’m really excited to be here and talk about the connections between our financial wellness and the other parts of our wellness, and also how to live our lives fully through kind of how we work with our money and how it is aligned with our values.
0:01:46 – Speaker 1
So good Everything you just said. So, Jessica, I’m so interested if you’re open to sharing to the group or to anyone that’s listening is like how did you, were you always working with money? How did you kind of get into wanting to be a personal finance coach? How did you even open the door to thinking about something like this?
0:02:04 – Speaker 2
Yeah, awesome. Thank you. It’s a great question, because the truth is no, I did not want to work with money at all. I actually grew up really having a negative relationship with money and not wanting to think about it much. I grew up in the Bay Area with a single mom who worked really hard and had a good job, but money was always tight and just always seemed like a burden to her anytime we needed anything new or that anything would maybe go a little wrong and needed to cost extra money. It led to a lot of stress in our home, and so it was something that I just wanted to kind of ignore and never thought that I could really feel free or positive with money, and I also never enjoyed spending money on myself.
I grew up very frugal and having a very like tight hand on money, and then the reason that my relationship changed though, over time is that my mother was also an addict and she ended up, unfortunately, getting laid off when I was a teenager and going down, you know, a really dark road with her addiction.
So along the same time she went through all of her savings, retirement funds from you know a 20, 30 year career, and really quickly I had to learn everything I could about money just to make sure that we kind of survived. At the time I needed to get power of attorney to sell our home so that we had enough money to get her into stable living situation, and then at the time I was about to go to college as well, so I had to learn really quickly how to survive without that safety net anymore, and so that was kind of the pivotal moment that I decided I’m going to major. I changed my major to economics and accounting and worked all through college to help pay for it and then really decided from then on that I don’t want to. I don’t want to ever feel that way again, and I also want to learn enough to help others never feel financially insecure if I can help it.
0:04:09 – Speaker 1
You talked about so many things. I can so relate to a lot of that too, like the, especially the fun family dynamics when it comes to money. You know, like not like taking a look at like, wow, I grew up with my parents feeling this way about money and now I feel this way about money, and how that was. I’m so curious, like, if you want to, if you don’t mind diving a little bit deeper into like what was that process like? Not having a good relationship with money but then having to figure things out? Like you know, like when things hit the fan or when things got really intense and you were like okay, now I have to do something with it, what was that process like for you?
0:04:45 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you know it was. It was a bumpy road, for sure, I think. For a while I was in survival mode. So not until later did I look back and say, oh yeah, I was kind of chaotic and stressed about money, like all through college. I held many, many jobs that I could put together while still going to school and just was really stressed about limiting the amount of debt and you know, loans and things and also trying to just learn as much as I could. So that was a little chaotic.
And then, after I kind of came out of that, I realized, you know, I tied so much of my worth to how much money I was making. So I went into the corporate world and kind of just tried to make as much as I could and spend as little as I could, which led to you know tough relationship things with my now husband and also just in general with you know, friends and other family members. I felt like my top priority was making and kind of hoarding money, because I was, I think, still in this survival mode of like, well, what if something happens again? And what if I need to, you know, pay for something with my car or, you know, something unexpected happened.
So for a long time I lived in fear, I think, after that, of like anything going wrong again and trying to plan for every bad scenario. And it wasn’t until, you know, many years later, but especially going through the relationship with my husband, who has a very different money history and money baggage, that I started to slowly loosen the grip and realize that, like if I wanted to really have a good relationship with money, I needed to kind of let go a little more, realize how it could be a positive thing in my life, how I could actually enjoy my money, spend it on myself a little bit, spend it on things I enjoy, and so you know. But it took a long time and a lot of therapy and a lot of realizing that I was kind of in the mode of becoming my mom then with money, that even though I had it at some points and it wasn’t, you know, as much of a stress I still was treating it like a burden and like a negative thing and having just a really negative energy around it.
0:06:54 – Speaker 1
Yeah, Wow, and it sounds like you also like started to make a lot of money. You wanted to hold on so badly to the money just in case something happened, Like when you shared. Like earlier in your life something happened and you had to figure it out. And like later on your life you’re like oh, I wanted to make a lot of money just in case there was an emergency or just in case I had to save the day, and so there was this like this is what happened to me when I was younger, to like this is how I was living now. Like does that feel true?
0:07:24 – Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah, I mean I’ve held on to it for a really long time. I mean there’s other things in my life that I’ve held on to from that period as well, not just around money, but I would say I mean it’s still something I work on often, like I still have to sit down and look at the real numbers so I can be like, no, it’s not like that anymore. You can afford to take a trip or you can, you know, enjoy eating out or something and not worry about it ruining, like your retirement, or ruining, you know, if you had a health emergency or something not having enough. So turn to the numbers. A lot because that helps me, because it’s real number on an Excel sheet where when my mental, you know, kind of visualization gets a little bit out of control or goes a little bit to the negative, I can look back and be like, okay, what’s actually happened when I’ve had an emergency, you know as an adult, and how did I cover it and what are my options if that happens again. And so that’s helped a lot to kind of counteract that with the truth and take that all the way to the end.
But it’s still a struggle. I mean I struggle with spending. I struggle with, you know, wasting anything in my family, like food money, and I still struggle with my husband, after being married 10 years, to become aligned on you know how much to save and how much to spend. But I honestly do also think, just like a lot of things, that it’s part of my, you know, it’s part of my strengths as well now, and it’s part of what has led me to be the coach I am today. It’s part of what’s led us to be able to realize some of our dreams already in terms of, you know, owning a home and things like that. So I do feel like, even though it’s can be seen as a negative relationship and it’s someone that I work on I also feel like it has allowed me a lot of, a lot of freedom and a lot of like reaching the goals I wanted to reach by this time.
0:09:21 – Speaker 1
Totally. I think that’s so important that you just talk to. I think sometimes we walk into something where, like, oh, I see how this is all negatively quote unquote impacting me. But it is a part of us, right, it is a part of us. It sounds like it has given you such a beautiful structure to support the flowiness and the letting go aspect, to really kind of bringing in that balance of like, oh, I have the realistic numbers and I have structure and I’m a little bit unattached to how I’m spending it compared to how I was, you know, and and it’s also going to be a constant practice. You know, I think that’s not just here with money, but it can be anything that we’re working through in our lives. Right, it’s like I so badly want to be, like we work on it for a month and it’s gone.
0:10:04 – Speaker 2
I was like, yeah, no, my clients and people I work with that as well.
You know they want to come to me and get some fixes, which we do do but the truth is that money is a lifelong relationship and you may not know about it that much when you’re a kid, you know, you may not realize that you’re having a relationship with money until you’re older.
But, like you said, the way that our parents are, or whoever we grew up with, you know, in our sphere of influence, the way that they are with money, does impact how we become with money. If we don’t, you know, face that and realize that, and then our friends, everybody influences us, and then it’s something that stays with you forever. I mean something that you need to kind of nurture that relationship. And then also, every you know, year or few months or whatever, you might find that your values change and you need to change how you, how you use money or how you think about money, because you might say you really want to value travel or you really want to value your freedom of time or flexibility. So I think that’s something that I’ve had to work on to. I’m a pretty like cut and dry person, like once I had felt like I had worked on my relationship with money, then I became an entrepreneur, so then that changed. Or then I had my children, and so then how I wanted to use my money changed again.
0:11:22 – Speaker 1
Totally, but something that I learned a while back when I was like learning about money and someone said this to me. I like didn’t get at the time, but now I totally understand it because it’s such a relationship. They’re like what if you treated money like you treated your partner? Or like what if you attract money the way that you attracted your partner. And when you dive into the dynamics of like romantic relationships a lot of the same dynamics that we grew up with with our parents, or what we are like with our mom or dad, or like the partner that we’re choosing, and things like that can all be influenced by who went by our parents as well. And money is the same thing.
And when I started working on our relationship, I was like why didn’t no one talk to me about this before right? Like you know, when you’re in school or when you’re in college, you’re like all I got to do is go to school, get a degree, go to work and make money. But there was never like that genuine. Like what is your relationship with money? How do you feel about money? Is money always feel stressful?
Like there’s like an actual relationship, the way that you are relating to this thing and no one really talks about that. So I just love that you brought that up in genuinely, because I wish people talked about that more, because then I think there would be way more understanding and way more ease with money. I think people can go. I mean, that’s like a pendulum right. When it comes to anything in life, there’s two extremes. There’s the like I’m going to hold on to it really tightly, to like I’m not going to care at all and just spend everything, and I think in the extremes is where we end up getting caught and it’s like in that finding that balance, like you said.
0:12:48 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I think that’s totally true, and that’s one thing I really want to change is talking about money, both as adults, you know, making it more of a normal conversation and being honest about it, but also for parents with their children and, in general, with school, and just not talking about it only in like this is how it comes and this is what you spend it on, or this is what you save and this is. You know how you invest. But also you know what money actually can do for you, how a positive relationship can look like, what it can look like and how everything you do in life mostly costs money. You’re either usually you’re either trying to do something to make money or to spend money or to invest money, and so how do you want that to look for you? Like people actually do have control over how that looks for them. You know, I want to work X amount of hours and then I want to spend this percent of my life traveling, this percent, you know, eating out and this percent giving it, giving money away or whatever it is, and people don’t really think in those terms.
You know. They think it’s something you have to do, you have to learn about, you have to do it and then whatever’s left, maybe I can do something fun with it or or give it to someone like a charity or something like that. But I’m really hoping that with conversations like this and the work that I do and I’m really hoping to write some children’s books in the future that can be much more of a conversation, kind of like it is, with your physical health. You know, thinking about your nutrition at your age, thinking about what it can do for you, how you can play sports and live longer and things like that. I feel like you know kids and teenagers think about that a little bit more, but not about the financial health aspect. So that’s something I really am excited about. Hopefully you know helping to change in the future and then you realize you don’t just have to fall into whatever patterns and you know kind of just follow a plan about money. You can actually craft your life according to how you want it to be with money.
0:14:46 – Speaker 1
Yes, can we say that a little louder? Because, like, I did the same thing. You know, I was like there goes my light, my light just fell for anyone that’s listening. But I did the same thing. I literally was like I got to save a lot of money, I got to invest it. I need to look at what my overall net worth is and if that net worth was high, I felt good about myself.
That was low, I didn’t feel good about myself and then I would want to hold back and then until I got to a place where I was like, why am I making all this money? Like, am I never going to use it in the ways that I want to make it? And also, I got really, really hard on myself if I was spending it in ways that didn’t keep me on track with my goal. So, like, eating out so much, like, oh, I could be saving $100 less if I didn’t eat out. But then if I, like, really did my other expenses and I thought about, well, eating out gives me an opportunity to connect and be in relationship and you have really joyful experiences like that is so supportive of my mental health, versus, like, if I keep myself from connection, then I’m going to feel worse about myself or feel worse in my life. So just having those like real conversations, I think is really cool, and then also just knowing that everyone has the flexibility to do whatever they want it to be in their lives.
Some people love coffee shops right, they’ll spend all their money going to different coffee shops and exploring. And then you know some people really want to prioritize traveling over having the nicest home. You know, it just really comes down to like what you want and I think you talked to that so beautifully. And then I want to dive into that. We started to dive into a little bit and you talked about it, about how money cause a lot of stress or anxiety and since mental health day was just literally yesterday and I want to check a little bit about that how is money influencing our mental health in general? Like how does that actually impact us on a day to day and can cause us serious of depression, series of disconnection, series of just stress, really high stress lives and things like that. So I just would love to hear a little bit more about your perspective on that.
0:16:49 – Speaker 2
Yeah, thank you, and I’m such a big advocate of talking about mental health openly and I feel like it does connect with our finances so often, but people again don’t speak about it that much, so I’m really glad we’re talking about it. One thing I think that happens with that is that it’s it’s kind of like tiny micro aggressions throughout the day or the week that people may not notice that much, but then it does build up over time. So not that often do you see people just sitting around just literally stressing about money, you know, and getting into a catastrophe in their mind about it. Sometimes that happens, especially if you have, like you know, a big problem with your car or a health crisis or something. But more often than not it’s throughout the day when people are either one.
one thing is comparing to others that you might see in real life or you might see on social media and those little comparisons of how did they afford that trip or how did they afford that car, or it must be nice for them to have that full time nanny or whatever it is for childcare or something like that. So these little things that we think are kind of just normal, and you know, they just pop in our head but they lead to a negative reaction. When we think about money, they lead to us not thinking about our goals anymore but thinking about what other people are doing and why we’re not as as good as that or why we’re not. You know, on the same page. And then the same thing when it comes to you know little thoughts around, like you might be at work and someone might talk about you know, the 401k or something at work and you might think I’m probably not saving enough for, oh, I probably should check in on my retirement or something. But it just happens in small spurts throughout the days and I think then it just leads to this heaviness that people ignore. You know it’s, it’s there.
You are comparing yourself to others, you’re worried about not saving enough or not doing enough for retirement, or you might be hearing something in the news about the latest type of investment or cryptocurrency or the stock market, and you might think I don’t even know about that and so you know it’s not what you’re thinking about or I can’t even deal with that because it’s too much information and these things just build and build and build over time to where then, when you bring up the word money or personal finance with anybody, they have this heaviness just already sitting and sometimes they don’t even know why, and then sometimes when you dig into it, you’re like actually you’re quote unquote on track.
I hate to say that because it’s a very personal thing, but if you tell someone that you know they’re so relieved that they actually have been doing whatever the right steps are for them or that they’ve been doing, you know better than they thought. But the mental health burden of carrying those heaviness around over the years is really really hard, and people don’t talk about it with anyone. So for the most part, until it’s maybe an emergency, and so I love being just that safe space to be like ask me all your questions, tell me all your fears or anything you’ve been stressed about around money, because there really isn’t a lot of space for that out there in other, in any other area for people.
0:19:56 – Speaker 1
Totally so if someone is, because I fully agree with you, right, it’s like the little energies that you feel negative energies or reactions that you have in your day to day end up hitting you like a wall one day. You know when you’re like holy cow. I’ve been carrying this weight of anxiety, insecurity, stress, frustration, anger, maybe even like angry that you’re not making as much money as quote unquote this person looks like on Instagram, right, because, like that’s the other thing, no one really talks about it in the sense of like you, genuinely knowing how much spends. I think people look at what the outside looks like and they assume that they have a lot of money, which can be so many different things. Like people could have all these things but really not be in a really good financial situation. I mean, you really can’t take that as truth. But what are some of the things someone can feel?
if over time. You know every single time the word money comes up, or they’re constantly suppressing their emotions when it comes to money, or their thoughts or whatever, like what ends up happening or what could potentially happen to someone that lets it build.
0:21:03 – Speaker 2
Yeah, thank you.
That’s a good question. They see that a lot. And one thing I’ll say first is that you’re totally right about like the comparison trap, and I liken it to when people say you know you can’t general. People say you can’t judge a book by cover, but you also can’t judge a relationship you know, a romantic type of relationship by what you see. It’s the same with money, because nobody is sharing what’s really happening in there, that there’s no way you can actually know, despite what they’re putting out there. And so I really encourage people you know it’s okay to compare if you use it as a spark for you to maybe you know, get what you want in life. But other than that, like really don’t try to like understand what their financial situation is, because you’ll never know unless you have an honest conversation with them, because you never know what kind of debt people are in, you never know where they got their help from. If they got help, you also never know what they value in life, like they might be valuing travel, like you said, and they may not own their home, and that’s totally fine. But if that’s not your goal, then you can’t compare. You know the travel if you want to buy a home. So really encourage people to kind of dig into why they’re comparing and how we can put reframe on that.
But what I see a lot is when people let these kind of you know, tiny negative thoughts build over time and over time it’s usually that they tend to become paralyzed in some way about it and just either do nothing usually do nothing. Usually people will say, well, this is too overwhelming now. Now I’m not sure where I am with retirement. I’m not sure what I should be doing for investing. I don’t really have a budget and I don’t really know what a good budget is and I don’t even really know what my values are with money. I haven’t, like sat and thought about that. So I just want to like live, you know, whatever I’m, my life is, and eat out when I want and whatever. But that’s it. Like I don’t want to dig any further into that because it’s already such a high sense of anxiety and then it feels so overwhelming at that point. So what I like to say is you know, it’s going to be a step by step process, like again, it’s a lifelong relationship. So it’s not something that’s going to be fixed with with one meeting or three meetings, like it’s something that we’re going to work on over time and then you’re going to work on forever, just like your relationship with your body or your mental health.
And so I really see a lot of people just feel like, well, I haven’t done XYZ by this point, so I doesn’t even make sense for me to do anything. So I’m just going to stop and kind of ignore this, this whole situation, until maybe an emergency or a need to, like you know, buying a home or having a family or something that really pushes them to have to do it. But I hate to see that because everyone, at some time or another, everyone was in the same spot and more people are in the same spot than than anyone knows in terms of, okay, I’m just starting my first budget Now. I don’t even know what it is, I don’t know how to make a realistic number and I don’t know how to track it. So many people are taking that first step that are in the same age group or the same types of jobs, and just nobody knows it.
Yep, yeah, yeah, I want to kind of give people that benefit. You know. Benefit, you know telling them. You know you’re not alone in this. So you might think you’re alone because you see the things on Instagram or on TV or you know out and about. You see people with a new car, or you see people that bought the house, but they, just like you, at some point probably pretty recently were at the first starting point as well because, like you said, no one taught us. No one taught us in school. No one really taught us in college. No one you know teaches adults about it. It’s like you got what you got through where you were living when you were growing up whether it was with your parents or whoever else was raising you and then you were supposed to just figure out how to make that work in the real world, and that’s really unrealistic.
0:24:52 – Speaker 1
Totally, I agree, and for anyone listening, I think I started budgeting like three years ago, four years ago, and somehow I was able to get to a place where I was without budgeting. But what I loved about budgeting personally, it gave me an opportunity to see the numbers. Because I think I was so avoidant of the numbers, because I was like I don’t even want to know, because what if it’s bad? You know, I was just, I was assuming the worst. But then when I started budgeting I was like, oh, this gives me so much more breath to know that, like I have XYZ amount associated to this and I could spend it, not like you know, and I was really good about that. So I think seeing things like that was so good.
The other thing that you’re talking about so much, I think, I think we keep nailing the nail on the head is just the comparison trap. Like it is hard on our just mental health, our nervous system, just the way that we live, like constantly looking outside of ourselves for answers and trying to say, hey, you are quote unquote better than we are not doing enough. And that’s so much to our ego, right, our ego is just there to protect us and if it has something to compare it to. It’s going to be like well, at least I can rank myself against something, because if it’s just you, then you have nothing to quote, unquote, rank yourself or compare yourself to where there’s no match or number that you can say like, yes, I’m more or less or more so.
I think that is such a huge thing, especially when it comes to money in general. What can someone do, jessica? Like just to take the first initial steps to feeling better, even just starting to feel a little bit of relief, right, like you mentioned. Just like even having a professional or someone that maybe you know, someone that does this every single day, even just validating them and giving them an opportunity, in a way, was already such a relief. Like what else could someone do to start to just peel back the layers, like slowly, right, I mean, obviously we all want this really quickly, but like what would be some of the layers that you recommend?
0:26:55 – Speaker 2
Yeah, thank you. That’s a good question, I guess. First I’ll start with a couple things I don’t recommend, and one is I don’t recommend too much content around money, whether it be books or Instagram content. I do recommend some podcasts that I can talk about, but books, I find, you know, can get outdated quickly on this topic, just because the industry is ever changing and there’s just a lot of different topics out there and you know you may not, there’s different ways that people think about money too. So if you pick up a book or you look on Instagram content, you may not agree with that person’s approach, but then you’re reading it and you think that’s the only approach. But it’s not.
There can be, and I think should be, a personal approach to money. There are templates you can use. You know there are ways to kind of check off the right boxes, but generally like it should be a personal journey, not one that you’re listening to someone’s cookie cutter kind of plan or recommendation for, because it should reflect your lifestyle, your goals and your values. So I would say that one of the first things I recommend people do is think about those three things, like, starting with values, what do you actually value in life Like? Is it family, is it free time? Is it retiring early? Is it flexibility or is it material things, which is fine too, like I’m never going to be one to tell a client they shouldn’t buy this or that or that they should spend less on something. As long as it ties to your values, I don’t care so, but you need to know what your values are. So I think, sitting down and you know, there’s lists online that you can look up at like thinking of your top five to 10 values, first writing that down in whatever capacity, and then starting to be like huh, like, is my life aligned with this, both when it comes to money and not, but in particular when it comes to money?
And then the same with lifestyle. Do you like to eat out? Do you like to cook? Do you like to travel? How many times a year would you ideally travel? How many times? How many gifts would you ideally like to give without worrying? All of these things are part of your lifestyle. It’s just that people don’t usually plan ahead for them and they don’t usually think about budgeting for them, because they just they’re just used to doing it and that’s fine. But I think if you think about kind of you know, what I really enjoy is, you know, going home for Christmas and not worrying about that flight. Or I really enjoy, you know, having enough money to buy myself, you know, a new bag every, every quarter or every season or something, whatever. It is like just knowing how you like to live your life a little more and thinking about that and then getting to the numbers part, and then the last thing, like I said, is actually looking at your net worth and your budget. Like you said, you know does there’s no wrong time.
You start now, you start a few years ago or you start even in a few years when you’re ready. But just starting to look at everything in one place is really helpful, because we all have accounts all over the place at this point, from different companies, different apps, different investments, different everything. So some people have just unruly amount of accounts. So even just getting that in one place is super helpful. And then just literally looking at a month of your spending and putting it in categories, not to say it’s right or wrong, it’s too high or it’s too low or whatever, but just to look at it and see what feelings come up for you how much did you spend on groceries last month? Are you happy with that? Are you not happy? Why? And just kind of thinking about those before you start to really think okay, how do I even make a whole annual budget or anything. But just starting to sit with those feelings and the numbers is a really helpful start.
0:30:39 – Speaker 1
Yeah, totally. Those were all so good and I love just all the aspects and I really love the fact that you talked about books and social media.
0:30:48 – Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah, it’s a lot. What should I read about it? And I mean honestly, I say you shouldn’t. You know you shouldn’t, because that’s one person’s view of money and also it will likely change in a year or six months. It’s great to like take in some content, just so you know the basics for sure, but just realize like this is your personal journey and you need to kind of take a little control of it, Because if you let someone else tell you how it should all be like, it may not even lead to the life you want or the goals you want. It might lead to theirs.
0:31:21 – Speaker 1
Exactly, totally. And, like you know, the biggest thing that I’ve done with anything in life outside of money and this is money like, yes, learning about people’s perspective and ways of doing things. Because, like you can always just pick from things, from people, and then still, at the end of the day, like I have the choice of how I want to do things. I have the power. Like there is so much of this is like this is how it’s supposed to look like or this is the only way to look like, and a lot of the times, that’s living in little echo chambers across the world and different communities and different little pockets of places where people are all underneath one beliefs. But at the end of the day, you get to truly define what you want it to look like, and I just love that you’re talking so much to taking your power back. And then the other thing, too, that I think is so important in this is just like you have to.
What I’ve learned is like I had to go through the experience of wanting to play around with money and wanting to budget with money Because, like then I realized I was like oh, I didn’t realize how nice it was that I have my vacation plan for the end of the year. You know like that was such a relief and then, until I experienced that genuinely, I couldn’t really be grateful for that. And so I think, just being open enough to experiencing it and taking giving it a shot and trying it and knowing that, like you said, you can make changes, you can shift things around, you can let it adapt to your life, depending on what season you’re at, like you said at the beginning of of us just talking here. You said you know whether you’re married or having kids or you’re single and you’re doing all these things like your values and standards might change a little bit and like it could. It’s flexible in that way right, like there is opportunity for it to flow Totally.
0:32:58 – Speaker 2
That’s like a great mindset to go into it with. Because I will say too that even if you set, you know, a budget, let’s say, or you planned out big things for the year or whatever, every year it’s going to change. Every month it honestly changes. So I feel like people again often want to think of a budget or something as something you kind of set, even your retirement, you know, country contribution or something, things that you set and forget, which I, you know, I would love for it to be a little more that way, but it’s it’s not, because your life will change. Something will come up that you didn’t expect.
Or you know you may be excited about some new trip or some new clothes or something, and so that will change things, and you have to be able to be a little bit flexible with how that’s going to pan out and realize there’s no right way.
The just doing it is the right thing, but there’s no like right way and it will never always be the same. And it’s the same with, like, when you put something down and people will tell me, well, I think I spend too much on on eating out, and I’ll say, why do you think that? And they’ll say I don’t know, it just looks like a lot. And I say, well, what are you comparing it to? You know? Do you have a number? And where did that number come from? Like, let’s make sure that you have a realistic view of your life and what it would cost to live your regular life, so that you’re not feeding yourself up all the time about some high you know number on DoorDash when actually, when we plan out your life, that’s exactly how much you should be spending on DoorDash.
0:34:23 – Speaker 1
Totally, totally, or maybe that’s like how your way your life is set up. You know, some people spend a lot of money on meal prep, like they have the ability, but they prioritize their nutrition and that’s important, you know to them. Like I just love that you’re speaking to all this, I think it’s. It’s so, so true. Yeah, when it comes to money and like you know, traditionally, where do you, where do you find most people are blocked.
0:34:50 – Speaker 2
I think that’s the first thing actually is that people have a thought in their mind.
People often have a thought in their mind that they’re just spending too much they, and then they get frustrated or mad and then they just don’t want to think about it anymore. So I often will have people tell me they think they spend too much on eating out. You know shopping, or you know travel, whatever it is. But then when we step back and talk about their life, how their life works, the things that they want to attend you know the weddings or whatever it is and we build a budget from the ground up, it often turns out that they’re spending exactly what one would expect based on their lifestyle. Now, if they want to start saving or there’s some reason to cut things back or whatever, then we can work through that together. But I often find that people are just comparing to an unrealistic kind of fake number in their mind, or they’re really not usually comparing to anything. They just think it’s high for no reason, and that’s because we hear that all the time. Right, oh, did you get it on sale? Oh, is there going to be a cheaper option? Oh, that’s too expensive, that’s so expensive. But I really encourage people to say, well, what did you think that was going to cost? Because it wasn’t zero, you know. And so if you, if you thought that your airline ticket was going to be 600 and then it was 600, that’s actually a totally fine thing. But if you didn’t think about a number and then you just got mad when you saw the ticket being 600, that’s what’s going to make you continue to have this negative relationship. So I think one thing is, you know, really thinking, well, actually, how much does my life cost, so that I don’t just keep beating myself up for spending any money at all?
And then the second way that people, I think get caught up is that they think they need to know everything before starting. So when that that’s mostly when it comes to investing or real estate and things like that is, I hear a lot of people say that they didn’t start because they thought they needed to educate themselves more first. And, yes, I think you should be educated to some extent, of course, before you start investing or doing something with your money like that. But there are so many ways to educate yourself and you will never know everything. So I think just getting some sort of trusted start whether that be with a coach or podcast or whatever understanding what investing is and why we do it.
And then starting small, but just starting is really helpful and realizing you’re going to learn along the way.
And then also that things are going to change along the way, like cryptocurrency came, and now everyone’s having to learn about that, and AI is coming, and now we’ll have to learn about that, and so it’s always going to be something you can never say and think that you’re going to be 100% educated on something in the finance space before you start.
And then the last thing is I think people think they need to have more money in order to manage it. Most people think that I talk to so I don’t charge as a percentage of assets like a traditional advisor. I don’t want to steer clear of that type of pricing arrangement because I want everyone to feel like I don’t care if you have $100 or $1000 in the bank to start. You can have more transparency and control of your relationship with money and where your money grows and goes for you and I think that’s just a big one is people think they need to be a millionaire or have a certain amount to even make it worth thinking about it or trying to have a plan that last one is so true, I was always.
0:38:19 – Speaker 1
Yes, I feel that, and I think something that I learned I heard once was like the way that you manage $10 is the same way you’re going to manage a million, yeah. Or like your habits or the way that you view money, it doesn’t really change. You can have a huge dollar amount, but your relationship to money could say the same.
0:38:37 – Speaker 2
Right, and I’ve seen that. I’ve seen people making more money than they ever thought, but they’re still with doing the same habits with it, and the opposite Some people who don’t feel like they make enough or have enough, but they manage it so well that it actually does more for them than other people. So I really agree with that. It’s just like any little habit you’re trying to do. You need to just start and build the muscles and then, as your life changes, it’s already there and you can roll with that. But I hate to see people wait and wait because they think it’s not worth their time or they’re not, you know, they’re not wealthy enough to go down that road.
0:39:17 – Speaker 1
Yeah, and I also think about it. I’m like it’s kind of like riding a bike, like do you want to get on a mountain bike and run down the big mountain bike With all that pressure? I mean, millions of dollars is a lot of money. Like I’m just we’re talking about lots of money. It’s a lot more to manage. Like imagine if you just started with the training wheels and you’re like, okay, I have 50, I have 100, I have a thousand, I have a couple hundred, like a couple thousand, you know, like that’s so much more, not that the pressure is different, but it’s a smaller amount. And it’s like starting with the training wheels, like get started, you know. And I think that is a lot more easy to walk into versus like, okay, now I have a million dollars and my life is really important because I got a lot of expenses. Like what do I do?
0:39:59 – Speaker 2
You know, I agree, it’s like it’s not actually better later, because presumably you will have more accounts, more responsibilities and more money at that time, and you know it’s a little harder to wrangle in, even really. So I do love to hear that, you know. Yeah, it’s step by step, and there’s so many tools now, a days as well for retail investors, as they say, or, you know, just regular people to take control of their money, manage it, have a budget, invest it, diversify it. There are tools that weren’t available before, and you often don’t need to have much more than $25 to start.
0:40:37 – Speaker 1
Totally so, if someone does this work right, like they decide to be, like you know what this is going to be the year, but I’m going to finally start looking at my budget. I’m finally going to start just starting to get to know myself when it comes to my relationship with money. I’m going to dive deeper into my emotional attachments to money and you know where my insecurities are. I’m going to learn about myself Like one what’s available to someone on the other side of that? Like I think, like how could someone start living, start feeling emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, like what’s available to them on the other side of just wanting to go down that path?
0:41:19 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I think honestly, like this is sounds, you know, a little cliche, but the sky is the limit Once you start going down the path I mean again, I liken it to taking care of your mental health or your physical health you know, you start small, with whatever it is starting to go on a walk or starting to eat more vegetables, whatever it is and you start to get more interested, you start to read and take in more content. You maybe start to have more honest conversations with your partner or your friends or your children about how much they spend on a certain thing or about how they plan their trips. And then it just slowly starts to become part of your life. And I know it seems at first like that won’t happen or that that’s too hard. Like you know, I’m never going to get there, but as you slowly, you know, start down the journey and think of it as a journey, think of it as the whole.
First year might be a little bit uncomfortable.
It might be, you know, not really knowing how to stick to your budget or how to have a money date with yourself or your partner.
It’s going to be a lot of exploration, but then over time we’ll just become part of your life, hopefully with some kind of systems that like to have people put in place. But once you put some systems in, you know a lot of it’s automated, a lot of it is something you just do monthly now or annually, and it’s just conversations you start to just have and you stop being embarrassed or worried or anxious about them and then it just changes your whole, I think, your energy and relationship with the whole outside world, because not only are you just like less anxious and less kind of stressed or depressed about money, but the way that you hopefully are approaching your life now is much more of like manifesting the goals you want to see and living alongside the values that you set out and being aligned with that, and then hopefully you feel so much more at peace with just like what you’re putting out in the world and what you think your future holds.
0:43:22 – Speaker 1
Yes, ooh, so good. You know, at the beginning, like we talked so much of more of that like stuck energy, like that avoided energy of like repeating the same patterns, energy, kind of living the past kind of energy. And then what’s really on the other side is the opportunity to move forward, right, the opportunity to like take a step and just be like, all right, I’m moving, I’m taking action. And you know, taking action always feels so much better, in my opinion, like you’re actually moving in some direction, versus like when we’re stuck and not really wanting to dive into anything. You’re just kind of at a halt and no energy, no flow.
And then, like, what you talked to is just this beautiful opportunity for you to get the energy moving, for you to start moving forward to building a life, to being more integrated, and then like living way more openly and like almost like that, more like abundant mindsets manifesting, like really being open to opportunities, like really unattached to the idea that money is going to leave or that you don’t have money enough, but you feel more confident when it comes to money, and I love that you brought in the fact that it totally 120% impacts our entire lives.
Okay, like I’ve seen it, like you’ve talked about it so much how it impacts your romantic relationships, like how it impacts your friendships, how it impacts your family, like money is such a core relationship that is not only with you but it truly, truly has an influence on how you show up to everything else and the opportunity to go down this feels it sounds so much more yummier to be like. Oh, I’m confident in money and I get to be so present in my relationships in my life, because this no longer feels like something I don’t know, but something that’s a part of me.
0:45:09 – Speaker 2
Yeah, I think that’s that’s a really good point. It’s like the unknown is definitely worse than knowing. Having a plan. Like, even if your plan doesn’t look how you want it to like, even if it’s like oh, it’s going to take me five years to finish paying off that student loan or it’s going to take me whatever amount of years until I reach whatever retirement, looks good for me.
Even knowing, even if it’s not as great as you want it to be, knowing it will definitely reduce stress and help you because every day you can live like knowing you’re actually working towards something that you are, you know, going to be excited about and that you’re going to be feeling really good about that when you accomplished it. And if you don’t have that plan, you know you’re kind of aimless and you’re just trying to hope for the best all the time. And something you said also about taking action is just, I think, also really it’s a really hard hump to get over. But once you get over just the initial conversation, initial meeting with yourself or with a coach or whatever, I find people just have such a sigh of relief after just one step. And I felt that way recently.
I’ve been dealing with some health issues over the last year and had to change my diet pretty significantly and I just did not want to. You know it felt overwhelming. I didn’t want to. I wanted to just continue the status quo, continue how I was living, and it felt so scary to like take that first step.
But I started small. I had a plan, you know, and I just slowly, slowly integrated different things. It didn’t mean I had to cut everything out. I think people often think in kind of a extreme mindset like oh, if I start looking at things or if I start budgeting, I’m going to have to be restrictive and I’m going to have to track every dollar I spend and I’m going to have to change my ways so much. And that’s really really very rarely true, like I often just have people who it’s like oh, I just have to be a little more mindful of this or that to reach my goals, or maybe I don’t have to change anything at all, but I just know where I’m going to be in three years now or five years, like that’s really helpful.
0:47:18 – Speaker 1
Totally, and it’s like sometimes we think like big mountain is going to get us less, but there’s like so much more on the other side. Yeah, you know, I think the other thing too that you talk to is just like that hump that you come across. I think it’s important to know that, like you know, our bodies and our mind just wants to protect us, and doing something unknown is much scarier than us staying in the same place, right, like even our most painful spaces, like the life that we’re living, whatever is quote unquote more comfortable because it’s pain that’s familiar to us. Or, like you know, we’re comfortable in that pain, comfortable in living that, in comfortability. But the minute that we want to step over into the unknown, it’s like, well, our mind and our ego is going to be like, well, I don’t step over there, I don’t know what to do, and even if it’s quote unquote better for us, but because it’s so out of normal for us, it is so much scarier to our system because our system is going to be like, well, I don’t know what that is.
So I’m rather staying in my pain here, and so I think it’s important for us to recognize that is like there is, just because it’s unknown and unscary. That doesn’t mean that it’s going to be quote unquote worse than what you’re feeling now. If anything, it actually gives you a lot of breath, a lot of relief, a lot of like what you’re talking to, like. There’s so much more on the other side of that, and I think that’s important for anyone that is going to embark on a journey like this, because it’s so, so freaking worth it, as Jessica has just talked to so beautifully today.
0:48:42 – Speaker 2
Yeah, thank you. Yeah, you’re right. It’s like facing our own kind of ability to be stuck. Even you know you can’t really see past it sometimes because of how you’ve grown up or how you may be living and thinking is best for you. But I love to see the transformation in my clients, my friends and family, even just by me doing this work. That talk more openly about money and how to see the positive changes it can have even a very short amount of time is so inspiring to me.
0:49:12 – Speaker 1
Totally agree. As we start to like kind of wrap up this episode, I just want to ask you like what, now that you’ve done this work, how has it given you an opportunity to live a life more expressed, you know, really more fulfilled, like being able to fully show up in, like your life, relationships and business. Like how has it created more for you in your life?
0:49:38 – Speaker 2
Yeah, that’s the best question. I would say a couple things. You know one, how I am with my children, my family, extended family, my husband. I’m very open talking about money. I’m really committed to having my children understand money earlier on and understand the energy it can bring, the limitations it can bring, the stress it can bring, but also the wonderful things it can bring. We love to travel and now that COVID, you know, is a little more behind us, we’ve taken some wonderful trips the last year or two and I just love seeing my kids experience that. I love experiencing that new places and restaurants and things. So I’m really happy that I’m able to live that out with my family and be honest about what it costs but also how that’s like. That’s exactly what we want to do with our money.
But that’s one thing and then another is starting my own business and having more flexibility in my life to take care of myself, take care of my mental health and also take care of my family. It’s really really been a trying time in a lot of ways because I did tie so much worth to making a steady corporate type of paycheck and being in that mindset. But slowly over time I’ve realized you know right now, in this season of life, like I want to be doing this work. I think it’s so important, I get so much value from it and I get to live my life the way I want, with the flexibility and balance that I want. And I may not be making you know the X amount of figures I was at a corporate job but my life actually reflects what I wanted to right now, which is really important to me because I have been dealing with the health issues and because I’m trying to raise my family in a certain way and all of that.
And then, lastly, I’ll say I have been able to make room and money to spend a lot more on self-care, on mental health and physical self-care as well. I have started, you know, really prioritizing bodywork, massages, you know, trips with friends, different things that I consider self-care that I would have probably considered frivolous before or luxury that I have really started to build into my budget at the beginning of the year and that can include things around nutrition and vitamins as well, and it’s really nice to be able to think of it as just kind of a non-negotiable now rather than, you know, always something to feel guilty about or not really, or not even take the time to plan. So I’ve been. You know it’s still a little bit of a struggle sometimes to prioritize it and not feel bad about it, but whenever I do it I always feel so much better and I could show up better in my in my life. So I know it’s worth the money and the time.
0:52:26 – Speaker 1
So beautiful. It sounds like it’s not only being a gift, such an incredible gift for you and your soul and your health and your I think honestly health as well. Yeah, you know, in so many ways, and it’s such a beautiful gift that you’re also just giving to your kids, like everything that you’re learning, all the things that you’re implementing it, how you’re integrating it into your kids, like that is such a beautiful gift that they get to grow up with, as well as, like you, also being such a beautiful representation of prioritizing your health and your mental health. You know, I truly think that and I think I mentioned this when we first connected like I think the true pandemic is burnout and how it impacts us so much and it’s so beautiful that I give all this space to prioritize those things that are so soul-filling and connected and, you know, really bringing back into you, which thank you so much for sharing. That that’s absolutely beautiful.
0:53:17 – Speaker 2
Yeah, thank you.
0:53:19 – Speaker 1
All right, ladies, if you are listening in, this is for you. If you have a friend or family member that is female, that is looking for community, that is looking at this path of growth and wanting to evolve as a human being, please listen in. So I want to share with you the fully expressed community. If you haven’t heard about it, you need to hear about it, and you’re hearing about it today and I’d love for you to check it out. The fully expressed community is for women, supporting women. We have created a community where you can connect with other women that are also on this path of growth, that are interested and curious about what else is available to them. They want to see themselves living a life fully expressed in their lives and their relationships and their business. They want to bring their fully authentic self into all areas of their lives so they can actually attract a life and relationships and careers and business that is so aligned to them because they are living a life fully expressed In the fully expressed community. We meet online every single second Wednesday of every single month at 5.30pm PST and also have access to a Slack channel where I drop resources, where we share information, we talk about the community. We create community. You also get access to not only the guest coaches that have been on this podcast, but also guest coaches that I have kept waiting to show you what they have to share with you when it comes to their teachings and their practitioners. They’re only going to listen from me, but you’re also going to learn from these amazing human beings that are available to you out there and here to share their gifts with you so you can live a life fully expressed. The fully expressed community is only $27 a month. If you leave a review on this podcast, I will actually give to you one month to come. Join us for free in the fully expressed community to actually experience what it means to be in this community and these women. If you go leave a review from me, I’ll go do that. You can also find more information in the show notes about the fully expressed community and I hope to see you there next month, the next second Wednesday that is available to you, to be surrounded by other women that just freaking get it, that just get what you’re going through. I’ll see you there.
Yeah Well, it’s been such a pleasure to have you, jessica. Truly, I love everything that you’re bringing this world. I think all of the things that you’re talking about is so, so important and honestly, I’m so excited for your children’s book. I hope that you do do those, because all this kind of work right, like these kinds of conversations, especially when it comes to money or just mental health or anything like that, like, I think, the younger that we start to absorb information around those areas like we would be so much prepared for later on in life. And but, that being said, it doesn’t matter what age you start. You can get started anytime. But I’m so stoked for these children books. I’m like I’m hoping that they’re around by the time I have kids.
0:56:15 – Speaker 2
I don’t know what I’m going to have kids.
0:56:20 – Speaker 1
But yeah, that would be so epic. So yeah, thank you so much for coming on.
0:56:25 – Speaker 2
Awesome. No, thank you. Thank you for the opportunity and thank you listeners for listening and, hopefully, you know, taking a small step in some way towards your financial wellness goals after this. So, yeah, I really appreciate the time and your insightful questions.
0:56:41 – Speaker 1
Amazing. And lastly, how could someone connect with you? What would be the best way to connect with you at this time?
0:56:50 – Speaker 2
Yeah, thank you. I would love to just hear from anybody who wants to talk more about their financial journey or what I do. Just, you can email me at jessica at empowered personal finance that’s the best way. I answer every email and you can also follow us on Instagram, which is a great way to get some quotes that we love to share money mantras and quotes around money to help with. You know, just kind of those reminders throughout the day around these topics. So it’s a great place to kind of follow us for any quotes, giveaways and little kind of news updates and things around money. So you can feel free to follow us or DM me from there as well. But I do offer a free discovery call. So if you want to either click that from my website or email me to get a link, I would love to just connect with anyone who’s interested in learning more.
0:57:41 – Speaker 1
Amazing. I love that. Yeah, so go reach out to Jessica. If you know me personally or follow me and you want to get connected there, but can’t find her, feel free to reach out to me too. I can connect you guys as well. All this will be in the show notes and again, thank you so much for listening and wait to keep a lookout for the next episode. Thank, you. Thank you.