Do you know the difference between your physical self and your symbolic self? 

In his seminal 1974 book, The Denial of Death, Ernest Becker introduced this argument that there is a basic difference between the physical world of objects and the symbolic world of meaning. This distinction helps us cope with the dilemma of mortality (i.e. the knowledge that life ends with death).

We tend to focus, not on the physical self, but on the symbolic self, which allows us to design and work on our “immortality project(s)”. This provides a foundation for the belief that we are superior to our physical reality, and able to beat death on some level.

I was drawn to Becker’s work in Oliver Burkeman’s book, The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking. 

Humans are good at behaving as if we believe we’re immortal. But Becker’s idea of “immortality projects” suggests that we are more aware of our physical mortality than we might first realise. We embark on certain paths that will ensure that a part of us lives on even when we cease living.

This has driven some of the most wonderful human innovations and advancements. It’s not by default an ego-centric or a self-aggrandising approach to life. In fact it is an ingrained and inevitable part of what it means to be human. There is a natural desire to make the world better, or at least leave some kind of meaningful imprint on it. However, we can quickly lose perspective when our immortality project comes into conflict with another.

Are you aware of the distinction between your physical and symbolic selves and how it is motivating you?

We all have immortality projects on the go (both personal and collective ones). But how do you know what yours are, and is it possible to embark on a better one?

How to Define Your Immortality Projects

1. Be Aware of Your Symbolic Self

What is it carving and why? remove ego so that you’re not clashing with immortality projects of others - is the success of yours dependent on the failure of others?)

2. Creativity

There is a difference between someone who gets famous because they are an incredible artist, and someone who produces art because they've seen it as a good way to get famous. "Creative and artistic individuals deny both physical reality and culturally-endorsed immortality projects, expressing a need to create their own reality. The primary difference is that creative individuals have talents that allow them to create and express a reality that others may appreciate, rather than simply constructing an internal, mental reality."

Build stuff that others can appreciate and use for their own creative projects.

3. Inspire, Don’t Inflict

"When one immortality project conflicts with another, it is essentially an accusation of wrongness of life". Each party will want to prove its belief system is superior, a better way of life. we engage in immortality projects to attempt to preserve ourselves indefinitely.

4. We Need Meaning

It's important to recognise that immortality projects matter because meaning matters. They're important because they give life meaning and allow us to find significance in the world. This is important because it shows we care.

5. Be More Dog

I envy animals in many ways. They rarely seem aware of their mortality. They live in the present and don't panic about how productive they are.

6. Recognise When You’re Playing a Part in a Bigger Immortality Project

The concept of Terror Management Theory explains how when people are made to recognise their own mortality, you can get them to subscribe to and support wider immortality projects like wars, military action,

The world can get pretty overwhelming. When you're attempting to balance all of the commitments and pressures that unrelentingly come at you from all angles.

Where do people find the energy to actually do anything other than the urgent and necessary?

I like to think of energy, not as something we have or don't have enough of. Or that there are energetic people and then there are the rest of us. I believe energy is something we all have the ability to create for ourselves in ways that make sense to us as individuals. Energy is created by experimenting.

I remember setting fire to magnesium ribbons at school and seeing that incredibly bright and volatile reaction. The intense energy was created from simply mixing a flame with the metal. And the energy of the flame created by mixing fuel (gas/oxygen) with a spark.

We can think of our own energy in similar ways. We are all different so the same kinds of experiments are not going to work universally. And different combinations lead to varying degrees, amounts, and time-frames of energy creation. But we all have the opportunity and ability to create more energy in our day to day lives.

How do you think about your own energy levels? Do you feel like you have any sense of control over your motivation, or does it feel like the external world dictates the amount of energy you have to live your life?

In this week's podcast I look at some of the common drains of energy:

Open Loops

The News

Critical Words and Unprocessed Negative Moods

Anxiety and Worry

Clutter and Chaos

And then I suggest a few ways we can take it into our own hands to create more energy. Some of the suggestions may seem a little counter-intuitive, but I explain why I don't think they are. So if you're feeling like you could do with creating a little bit more energy in your own day to day life, listen to the show and hear how I elaborate on the following:

Make Contact With Someone

Exercise

Creativity

Write a List and Tackle It

De-Clutter

Experience Something a Little Different

Be Generous

Be Courageous

We all have it in us to create the energy we need to do the things we want to do with our lives. It takes creativity, and that little initial nudge to get started. But once we do the batteries refill and we can accomplish all sorts. And don't always rely on "re-charging", embrace your ability to "pre-charge" as well.

Over to You

Have you ever used any of these techniques to create energy? Do you have any other suggestions that have worked for you?

Carefulness is an interesting thing to consider. It's possible that we can be too careful at times.

I recently saw an interview with Donald Miller in which he described how carefulness can be a negative by-product of success. When he writes a book he becomes aware of the critics, as well as the pressure to live up to all the 5 star reviews from previous work.

As a result he feels compelled towards carefulness because it suddenly seems like there is a lot to lose. So he would remove the fun and playful voice that was a part of what ironically created the original success, choosing instead to become careful and attempting to people please.

Are you being too careful in certain areas of life?

Procrastination may often come from success. What takes you there is an element of carelessness and freedom, but once you feel the pressure of expectation and a fear of disappointing people, procrastination can halt action.

Of course carefulness has its place in life. It protects us from many dangers, it keeps us away from the cliff edge in many respects. But it can also keep us from acting on the things we believe in and want our lives to reflect. It can lead to procrastination that stops us from doing and being what we feel pulsing away in our deepest beings.

So how can we tell if we’re caught in the trap of carefulness? It can take many forms and look like a whole range of different things:

Procrastinate When it Comes to Meaningful Action

Feel Very Aware of The People Who are Watching, and Wonder How they Will React

Think About Criticism and Are Willing to Change What You’re Doing

Are On The Lookout for Ways to Fit In, Rather Than Ways to Be More Yourself

Want to Replicate Something From Your Past Rather than Exploring New Territory

Don’t be cruel.

In many respects people love real carelessness, but only if it comes from a big heart. They don’t want to feel manipulated, and they don’t want to feel judged. Anything else is kind of open for experimentation.

Donald Trump is an example of someone who became popular through his carelessness. Even those who don’t like him, do enjoy the fact he’s not careful. There is something compelling about him, something that people cannot take their eyes off. Don Miller says that the key to carelessness is to be kind rather than cruel. It's to have grace and positive intent. To mean well even if you don't always make great decisions. This is where Trump has found himself floudering.

I imagine you know someone for whom you question, “how does he get away with that when someone else would get fired?" It comes down to integrity to oneself. If you pretend to be perfect and gaff then it costs. It you admit your non-perfection then it’s a hell of a lot easier. No one believes we’re that great, so if we’re ourselves, non-judgemental, kind, and authentic, then no one is looking for you to mess up.

The best way to ensure grace for your own slip ups is to be gracious to others when they make their own slip ups along the way.

I received an encouraging email last week from Jane Evenson. It contained an incredible insight that gave me a strong “aha!” moment that I hope you will find helpful too.

If you’ve listened to the podcast for a while then you may have noticed that I tend to apologise whenever I am unable to produce a show on a certain week. I will normally start the next episode by saying “sorry for not releasing a podcast last week”, or something along those lines.

I do it without thinking, I suppose it feels like the polite thing to do.

A part of this is driven by knowing that there are people who like to listen at a certain time or while doing a certain activity each week. From my own experience this is the case with podcasts I like to listen to. When there is a break I feel a bit lost. I’m a creature of slightly obsessive habit.

So I guess that is a motivating factor. However, Jane made an important point about the impact of such an apology.

"I wonder if there is a way that you could express joy, instead of apology, when you are not able to put out your podcasts according to the demanding schedule that you have set for yourself?”

Ooh yes, interesting thought...

"I believe that I am not the only one who can not begin to comprehend how you balance so many important things with such feeling and dedication. Just a crazy thought, but I almost think it might be helpful for us who have so many varied interests, curiosities, vivid imaginations, complicated thoughts, etc. to have you be an example of purposely taking a little time to relax.”

Wow, yes. By apologising for not being able to fulfil the commitment for weekly episodes, I’m passing a subtle judgement. I’m saying that productivity may matter more than self-care (and other things).

By passing such a judgement I’m not being the role model I want to be. I would like to speak through my actions actually saying: "I can’t do an episode this week and that is fine…I make no apology about the fact that I need to rest, even though I am sorry if you were hoping for one.”

Different Kinds of Apology

These types of sorry are totally different. One is shame/guilt. The other is more sympathetic/empathetic. The first is a self-shaming apology that I have failed, while the second is a nod of acknowledgement that my decision has an impact. In other words, I’m sorry you didn’t have an episode to listen to, but I’m not sorry that I chose to take it off my to do list this week.

Does this make sense for anything that you have committed yourself to? We see it all the time when we make wild commitments to go running every day, or publish a blog post each morning (as I saw someone self-flagetating himself over this week). We can trap ourselves, and we can trap other people as well.

By judging ourselves when we don’t meet our own crazy expectations we may well be judging others by the same token. At least, this is what I think I may have been doing.

If you feel like that’s the case then please…accept my apology! And know that I won’t be apologising anymore. Also know that if there isn’t an episode and you like to listen to it in a specific place each week, I’m sorry you don’t have one. I feel your pain. But I’m just not sorry that I decided to avoid risking burning myself out in the effort and pressure to produce one!

Have you ever had the intentions behind something you said or did misunderstood by another person in a negative way?

Whenever I open the Haven doors I have to prepare myself for the odd email that, if I’m not careful can really ruin my day. This last weekend was one such time.

Not long after I sent out the email to the list of people who had requested a notification when spaces open up I received this:

“I am quite shocked at this blatant attempt to make money off of people who are vulnerable”

“Ouch”. Right out of the blue, a left hook to my head. It’s amazing how a few simple words can have a sustained impact on your day. What did this person intend by making their sweeping and confusing judgement about my own intentions? What did this message mean? Who are the “vulnerable" people?

I replied, with the hope of some clarification but didn’t receive a response. I wanted to reassure the sender that I don’t charge much in my effort to cover costs of sending letters and hosting the site. That I have never forced anyone to join, and try not to be at all pushy because I understand it will appeal to some but not to others. It’s an invitation.

It can be pretty painful when your intentions are misinterpreted as malicious. It can put you on the defensive and leave you trying to justify yourself. It pushes you towards fight or flight, in a situation where sometimes the best thing to do is to just calmly ignore it. But it’s not always easy, especially when the misunderstanding spreads.

We’ve all experienced those workplace dramas where someone’s good intentions are misinterpreted by one person, then rumours spread and before you know it camps have emerged and you get different stories depending on who you speak to.

We are quick to jump to our own conclusions about the intentions of other people. And we are all at risk of having our intentions completely misunderstood and even destroyed by another person.

Have you ever experienced this kind of thing?

We all need to raise our own self-awareness about the potential for misunderstanding our intentions in order to stop these things from happening:

Don’t Want to Be a Nuisance (misunderstood as not caring) - when a new baby is born

Excited About a Day Doing Nothing (misunderstood as anti-social)

Don’t Want to Burden You so I’ll Just do it Myself (misunderstood as excluding)

Don’t Want You Making a Fuss (misunderstood as dislike)

Going for a Run (misunderstood as judgement)

Want to Create a Business (misunderstood as manipulation and greed)

Need Some Alone Time (misunderstood as I need time away from you)

Require Time and Space to Make Decisions (misunderstood as being unable to cope)

Decide to Say Something (misinterpreted as offensive)

We need the humility to correct in gentle ways when the opportunity arrises. To clarify the truth of our intentions without appearing defensive, and without falling to the temptation to resent the misunderstander. Sometimes it is the deliberate intent of another person to harm and even destroy others. But often it’s a simple misinterpretation and assumption that how they see it is how it is.

The next time you hear something about someone, or you have a strong reaction to something, ask yourself: do I have evidence of that intention? If not, give the benefit of the doubt, and remember that they are human.

Which popular people, fashions, and ideas do you look at and think "huh!?" as you scratch your head?

There are things all around us that we might not "get". How do you react to that feeling?

This summer I've noticed this is quite a pointed way, in particular with two events: Radiohead headlining Glastonbury, and Twin Peaks returning to our TV screens. Both of these things have brought me great joy. They've also created an amusing amount of division on my social media timelines. People react in very different ways.

What I have found fascinating is the strength of responses I've seen and heard from people who don't connect with them. "Twin Peaks sucks, David Lynch is full of himself...as is anyone who pretends to like it."

I don't get into debates about things like this because there's no point. What is clear is that there are things in life that we don't understand. And we think that the fact that we don't "get" something means that everyone else is being deceptive because our view is the objective truth.

It's like when people say that they "tell it how it is", and simply declare "what everyone else is thinking but too frightened to say". This is usually just a precursor to saying something rude and abusive, and not what anyone else is thinking at all. But it can be hard to acknowledge that we all have very different tastes, opinions, and things that resonate with us at that deeper level.

The return of Twin Peaks has given me enormous joy, a lot of head-scratching, and some great conversations with other people who are into it. I could watch it and talk about it all day long. But I have no problem with people who don't connect with it. I'm fully aware that it's not everyone's cup of tea, and that's fine.

In fact it's great, because it represents the rich tapestry of life. We all connect with different things. We like different foods, drinks, TV shows, bands, activities, types of holiday, comedians, personality types etc.

But how do we deal with that? In a world that seems obsessed with finding black and white categories by which to divide people, how can we accept that things we don't necessarily "get"/relate to, are not therefore "bad"?

In this episode I explore these questions and think about how gentle rebels can begin to set a different example in our modern divisive world.

“That cucumber is bitter, so toss it out! There are thorns on the path, then keep away! Enough said. Why ponder the existence of nuisance?” - Marcus Aurelius

The podcast is back after a little two week summer break to coincide with my holiday. As I hoped I've come back with lots of fresh ideas for topics that I want to talk about.

I feel like I've been battling a lot of digital noise over the past few months. This really came into sharp focus when I was sat by the pool on holiday mindlessly scrolling through my Twitter feed..."something has gone very wrong here", I thought to myself, still scrolling.

It seems even harder than ever to escape information overload.

Wherever we go we are connected.

Data roaming throughout Europe is now included in my phone contract, so I don't even need to seek out wifi to get online. And I found it really hard to unplug. Not just because of my own compulsions, but for other reasons as well, which I've tried to explain in this show.

I have fond memories of going on holiday and being completely disconnected from home and the outside world. We spend two weeks without knowing any of the latest news. And I'd say it was pretty good for us. It seems kind of terrifying now, and there are certainly some wonderful advantages about being connected. But it was also a lot better for mental wellbeing.

To be put in that position where you had to unwind; forced to not think about the madness of the world around us for a minute and enjoy the bubble of rest and recuperation.

Anxiety and Panic

Being connected at all times is bad for us. It makes us anxious and panicky. And it has a detrimental impact on our ability to truly engage in the moment, and to be truly present with our loved ones. For many of us experiences are only real when they're shared. And the panic sets in when something great is happening, but there's no way of documenting it to share on social media. It sounds extreme but it's a genuine issue of addiction for many of us.

Sensitive to the Digital Noise

In this episode I ask how we can respond to overwhelming levels of digital noise. First we ask why we struggle to turn it off. Then we look at some of the damaging affects of being plugged in all the time. And to finish, I share a few ideas for how we might avoid the trappings of a world that never unplugs.

Things have become overwhelming. Especially for gentle rebels and highly sensitive people, processing it all at a deep level.

Sensitivity to digital noise can make the whole thing even worse. Introverts and HSPs are drained more quickly by the external world - stimulation and social situations; but I'm increasingly convinced that we get more drained, anxious, and isolated by the social energy we spend online. Especially when we scroll through and allow information to bombard us without a sense of purpose or boundaries around the way we engage with the noise.

Last week I was sent an email that asked a really profound question that has stuck with me ever since.

"How does one deal with emotions? How does one feel sad without feeling sorry for themselves?"

This is a really important question for us to consider as introverts and highly sensitive people. For those of us who internalise the world before outwardly expressing. Do we have outlets for our emotional response to the world? Are they healthy and productive?

That's what I talk about in this episode. And I share something special with you that serendipitously fits perfectly with this theme...the exclusive first listen to the new version of my song, Best Days.

Sometimes when I write a song I feel a deep emotional connection with it right from the word go. It lurches forward from within like some creative vomit. The best way I know how to understand what I'm feeling or thinking beneath the surface.

Best Days is one of those songs.

Life happens in seasons and cycles. Change happens. It's an inevitability. And it can be painful.

Over a short period of time we had received inordinate amounts of bad news from people around us. Losses, illnesses, and breakdowns in relationships and situations. It was like we were tapped into a cannula of sadness where the situations just kept flowing in.

In the midst of it all, I sat at my piano and looked out the window at the sun setting over the industrial units at the bottom of our old garden. There was always something remarkably inspiring about that view. It enabled me to noodle on the keys without any destination in mind. Invariably this would sew the seeds for ideas to be potentially harvested from the voice memo app on my phone at a later date.

The ideas that would turn into Best Days landed in one of these moments.

Once it landed it came together fairly quickly. I dug around and uncovered the chorus, which turned out to be the key for the inner room the song wanted to explore.

Themes and Patterns

YOLO (you only live once), life is short so you might as well enjoy it.

I felt like this was an idea worth exploring at a deeper level. What does it truly means when we're staring mortality in the face? And I wanted to twist the modern day concept, which is more IOLO (I only live once) than YOLO, and examine the feelings and experiences, especially for those going through what so many people around me were going through.

At a time when so many people seemed to be suffering, particularly with cancer, I just couldn't shake that feeling of loss. Losing those we care about, and knowing that everything is going to change in huge ways. What do we do? What CAN we do? We can live, sing, embrace, and love. And do it now, because now is all that matters.

It's a song of hope and love, desperation and sadness, one at a time and all at once. Every time I sat down to work on it I would feel something different pulling at me from within. I guess that's how I knew it was one to pursue.

Recording

I originally recorded it at my home "studio" (bedroom) in 2015 and released a video to accompany it. But as I began drawing concepts together for the EP, I knew it had a place on it. It exuded nods to the Arrow of Time, the themes of entropy, creation and degradation. How life changes whether we want it to or not, and the choices we have in how we respond to that. Do we give up hope or do we continue to seek out those cracks in the wall where the light gets in?

Let love touch this moment and sing the song in your soul like there's nothing to lose.

I saw a great tweet earlier this week. Though I can't remember when it was or who said it (please get in touch if this rings a bell...) It said something along the lines of "the great thing about knowing you're an introvert is that you no longer have to ask whether something is possible; instead, you have the self-awareness tools to simply ask HOW you are going to go about doing it."

Clearly I've mis-quoted that slightly because it's longer than a tweet, but hopefully you get the point.

In this episode I look at the learning we put into our thinking. We often naturally look for people to tell us what to think. Our understanding of the world and ourselves is heavily comprised of this. We want to know what others think so that we know what to think. Other people provide approval for certain ways of thinking and looking at the world, which we use as a yardstick for the appropriateness of our own behaviour.

But this can leave us alienated from ourselves at times. It can lead us to believe certain things about the way we fit in (or don't fit in) to what is considered normal.

If we can spend time and effort learning HOW to think however, we can more effectively pursue the things that matter to us in ways that feel natural. In the episode I address 5 areas in particular where this applies.

1. Rest/Holiday

2. Social Life

3. Lifestyle/Business Building

4. Relationships

5. Ambition

There has been a lot of tragedy in our world over the past couple of years. Here in the UK, it feels like we've been through a lot recently. And we've been bombarded by an effort to analyse and understand and react.

Responses are obviously inevitable whenever anything big happens. In the age of instant communication and social media, reactions are amplified and can be overwhelming. There is often a lack of gentleness with ourselves and others at times like this. We jump to conclusions, use events to reinforce our preconceived beliefs, and analyse/seek understanding rather than permitting ourselves to shut up and yield to the pain, grief and sorrow that is pulsing deep within.

"We Won't Let Them Win"

In the face of tragedy we often hear rhetoric around winning and losing. From the pains in personal situations like cancer, to collective tragedies like terrorist attacks. The idea of winning and losing is baked into the way we react.

But I'm not sure it's a particularly healthy paradigm. It can breed shame, distrust, and vast disunity.

After the bomb at the concert in Manchester in May 2017 I read an article quoting a British politician who had defiantly declared that “the Terrorists will not win”. In the days that followed I couldn't stop thinking about this statement and its apparent absurdity.

It’s simply not black and white. This is not a zero sum game.

When we use language like “they will not win”, we invent a very peculiar narrative. And what struck me in particular was the inappropriateness of this rhetoric within this context. Those families and friends of those killed in acts of such futility and barbarism they are destroyed, devastated, defeated. There is a profound and incomparable feeling of loss in the lives of those affected. To talk of winning and losing just seems to miss the point that for those in pain, the loss has already happened, in a massive way.

There is loss. We have lost. All of us. Every single human being on the planet loses whenever one of us is hurt or destroyed.

An Alternative in Tragedy?

In this episode of the podcast I have a think about the possibility of an alternative way of responding. Inspired by the passage from The Secret History of Twin Peaks, the words of Lawrence Jacoby.

When the world is such a nuanced, multi-toned web of complexity...as are humans, then we must step beyond the narrow-minded win/loss perspective. To allow ourselves to feel the depths of our pain in the face of tragedy; to thrash it out as long as we need to, and avoid the temptation of analysis and "can-do" (pain avoidance) reaction.

“We are creatures of darkness and light, capable of barbarism and limitless cruelty, and also love, and laughter and the creation of the most sublime beauty. We are both these things, clearly, but which are we most of?”