Where does your mind go when you read the phrase, “The money changed everything”?

In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I want to share points from our recent Haven discussion when we used this prompt to chat and play.

Where did the money come from? What difference did it make?

Before our gathering, I stumbled on an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents called “Reward to Finder“. The story is about Carl, who finds some money in a gutter on his way home from work. Instead of returning it to its rightful owner (in exchange for an unspecified reward), as he promised his wife, Anna, he keeps it hidden in his attic. Eventually, Anna discovers that he is counting the money and demands a share. She threatens to go to the police if Carl doesn’t comply. As she spends the money, the situation escalates. Ultimately, they both decide to take action. This changes everything.

It was like poison; it got into our bloodstream.
Normal life became something obscene.
We couldn’t see straight. I lost you in the haze.
Neighbours hear banging through the walls of this doorless maze.
A dark cloud hanging like a fur coat.
In limbo, awaiting the verdict.

Words inspired by Reward to Finder

The story highlights a familiar scenario we may have encountered in various situations. The arrival of money can often trigger possessiveness, control, greed, and envy, causing relationships to crumble. This can happen dramatically, as depicted in the story, or gradually over time. Over time, resentments build up, stories take hold in the characters’ minds, beliefs shift, values change, and people stop seeing people. Instead, they see obstacles, hindrances, opportunities, and gold mines. But perhaps, instead of bringing about fundamental changes, money reveals what was already there.

It was interesting to notice how my personal response to the prompt had a negative flavour. This attitude might be called “Why does money always ruin good things?” There are many examples of this. But I wanted to explore how money can positively change everything. That would be the first place people go in response to the prompt.

An unexpected gift that took the pressure off or saved the day, approval for the loan that got the business off the ground, or the grant that transformed the community.

What Would You Choose To Do If Money Wasn’t an Obstacle? is a classic coaching question. But it’s also an interesting one to dissect. The responses seem to vary depending on whether having a vision precedes the availability of funds or vice versa.

On one hand, we may ask, “What is something you would love to do but can’t due to a lack of resources?” Perhaps there is a particular project you would love to undertake, a place you would like to visit, or changes you would like to make. In other words, if you had the money, you would know exactly what to spend it on. For me, it’s finishing my album. Incidentally, if you have £5000 lying around (or know someone who does), gimme a shout!

The other way of reading the question is, “If you suddenly came into a chunk of money, what would you do with it?” It’s the “What would you do if you won the lottery?” question. Responses tend to be more vague. We would “probably” buy this or that, replace some stuff, give it away, or invest it. The possibilities are broader, but they are also potentially less focused.

There was a thread in our discussion as we imagined the difference money could make in enabling desirable stuff to emerge in the world around us. Once the bills are taken care of and there’s enough yarn to knit with, we might look beyond our personal situation and into families, neighbourhoods, and communities, where money could change things for good.

This opened a conversation about gifts. Some people love giving but are uncomfortable receiving gifts. Even when there are no tangible strings attached. Our transactional market mentality travels deeply within, around, and between us. Likewise, we might ponder whether giving money unconditionally to support a cause, a student, or an artist is truly possible. Or is there always a low-level entitlement to results? Is a gift really a gift if we want a particular outcome to emerge from giving it?

This was a beautiful thing to ponder because it speaks to the unconditional belief in other people’s vision for their work. How often does money come with strings attached, contractual obligations that compromise and control the creative vision?

I’ve seen this happen to musicians and songwriters over the years, who live the dream and get the record deal, only to realise that it’s not about the art; it’s about the money. The money is obviously an investment, not a gift. It’s not a case of someone financially supporting the potential creation of something they believe in for its own sake; it’s about backing an artist they believe will make them profit.

Of course, that’s how an industry works, and its underpinned by business deals. But are there other ways to think about investment in the creators we believe in? I suppose it’s the beauty of Patreon and Bandcamp, where we can directly support our favourite artists and creators. Everyone has different motives underpinning their support, but ultimately these platforms allow us to give to the people and work we want to see flourish.

We used the following questions for further reflection.

We have an open discussion in The Haven and a space to share anything you come up with – I’ve added some unfinished poems and an attempt at a painting. Seeing how different people interpret these prompts and answer those reflection questions is great fun. It expands horizons and helps untangle all kinds of things that might be causing frustration and stuckness.

Peel Back Another Layer

Where could the money have come from? What difference might it make? Who/what was impacted? Did it have a positive or negative effect? If at first it seems like a positive impact, what are the unseen negative consequences? And vice versa.

Begin to explore other possibilities, scenarios, and characters.

Brainstorm with me…

Start throwing these ideas at the wall and see what shapes, patterns, and colours land. A poem, story, drawing, song, animation, sculpture, photograph etc. Just pick a medium and see what happens.

What do you notice? What can you sense growing inside you (questions, emotions, desires etc)?

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Adam Grant explores how our practice can lead to boreout in Hidden Potential. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I dive into this idea and reflect on the role of playfulness in maintaining our motivation with the things that matter most.

We consider the distinctions between burnout and boreout and delve into the contrast between obsession and passion. I ask how the demands and pace of hustle culture might lead to chronic boredom. We look at why we need not stress about discovering our purpose and passion despite the societal messages we are bombarded with.

“It is neither work nor play, purpose nor purposelessness that satisfies us. It is the dance between.”

– Bernard de Koven

Boreout is the emotional deadening you feel when you’re under-stimulated to the point of disconnection. But it might also occur when we are chronically overstimulated and unable to pause between life’s ceaseless bombardment of noise.

Boreout is a phenomenon that often arises when we lose our sense of purposeful connection and intrinsic joy with the task at hand. When it comes to practice, it can turn into an obsessive slog rather than a meaningful journey towards progress and growth.

Deliberate play isn’t about avoiding work. It’s about shifting our mentality and seeing how potential can be reached sustainably by finding ways to playfully engage in practice, learning, and growth.

We fall into a trap with certain endeavours. We believe that practice ought to feel like a slog. This leads us to stories of forbidden fun. Some things are meant to feel like punishment.

However, Adam Grant refers to a study conducted on renowned concert pianists, which revealed most of them practised the piano for just an hour a day during their early years, and they weren’t raised by controlling and dominating drill sergeants. Their passion ignited, and their parents and teachers gave them the conditions to maintain their motivation and enthusiasm.

They practised, not because they had to, but because they were interested. They enjoyed working with teachers to explore the craft more; excited, engaged and wanted to learn, improve, and practice.

When we treat it as something we’ve just got to repeat and repeat, practice can lead to boreout. It can also extinguish passion and cause us to resent things that used to be exciting and joyful.

Humour is a VERY important sense. Without it, we risk taking ourselves so seriously that we lose all perspective. Our sense of humour is a core part of gentleness (firm back, soft front) because it allows us to move through the world with greater flexibility and openness.

We all have this sense! But it takes practice to remain humourously sensitised to the world around, within, and between us.

In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share a Haven Courtyard conversation I had towards the end of 2023 with Roxana Alexandru and Neil Hughes. We explored how we might use humour to befriend anxiety and the inner critic in helpful and healthy ways.

Rox helps people figure out ways to play with and change their relationship with debilitating social anxiety. She shares her experiments through Instagram and TikTok.

Neil wrote the book Walking on Custard & the Meaning of Life: A Guide for Anxious Humans. It contains an inspiring ongoing meta dialogue with his inner critic throughout.

Check out Neil’s website and watch his TEDx Talk (A new plan for anxious feelings: escape the custard!)

I love how both Rox and Neil relate to the voice of their inner critics. So, I thought it would be fun to have them both on the same call…and I was right; it was!

In our conversation, they explained why they felt drawn to use humour to engage with their inner critic and what they’ve learned.

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Life coaching can be shrouded in confusion.

In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I chat with Megan Malone, delving into the joys and challenges of coaching. Together, we dissect why some view it sceptically and explore avenues for life coaches to reverse the negative trends and misconceptions.

Megan is an International Coach Federation (ICF) certified coach and has a Master’s in Organisational Development. She sheds clear light on the nature of coaching and what to expect from working with a professionally accredited life coach.

Coaching is plagued by numerous misconceptions, fuelling doubts and suspicions regarding its validity. Particularly in the wake of controversial instances like Escaping Twin Flames, The Dream (Season Three), and The Conspirituality Podcast (186: Coaches Coaching Coaches), where self-proclaimed coaches have been exposed for questionable and, at times, harmful practices.

It’s imperative to address these misconceptions because each of us should be in a position to make informed assessments about what we’re being sold in the name of coaching. For this we must foster greater awareness and comprehension of ethical practices.

Navigating the life coaching industry can be confusing, primarily due to its lack of regulation. Anyone can call themselves a coach without adhering to any particular standards. This ambiguity has sparked discussions calling for industry regulation to delineate more precise professional and ethical practices.

Nevertheless, organisations like the ICF provide clear guidance to affiliated practitioners. They mandate adherence to specific standards, ethics, and competencies. But for it to be truly effective, this type of voluntary self-regulation also requires a public awareness and understanding of what coaching is (and isn’t).

It is crucial to recognise how coaching differs from other helping interventions and understand its uniquely valuable purpose.

Coaching is a pathway to attaining a specific outcome or desired future state. A coach acts as a partner, guiding clients to make decisions for themselves and designing an intentional course for personal or professional growth.

Therapy and counselling focus on aiding clients in mental health recovery, processing past trauma, and healing emotional distress. They explore and address past pain that is hindering present and future well-being.

Mentoring is guidance, teaching, and advice from someone more experienced in a particular field or role. Having traversed a similar path, a mentor imparts wisdom and support, focusing on skill and knowledge acquisition.

Consulting addresses specific problems, challenges, or goals. A consultant will often observe and analyse a situation so they can offer expert suggestions, recommendations, and strategies for a person or organisation to implement.

Coaching operates under the premise that clients are inherently whole and capable of making sound life decisions. The coach facilitates self-awareness through questioning and active listening, aiding clients in identifying obstacles, envisioning future desires, and formulating strategies for progress.

While regulated professions often require proven credentials, coaching’s focus on client responsibility and self-directed growth means it’s unlikely to become regulated. However, the rise of untrained coaches (and a wild west of coach training options) blurs the lines, with some assuming roles beyond their expertise, such as advising or diagnosing based solely on personal experience and interests.

ICF-affiliated training programs emphasise a coach’s role in guiding clients to find their own path rather than offering direct advice. This approach fosters motivation, reward, and confidence in clients’ decisions, challenging conventional notions of decision-making predicated on external validation.

In essence, coaching is an agreement entered into voluntarily by those who want to reach a desired future state. The partnership provides scaffolding to build momentum through change.

In our discussion, Megan and I delve into various aspects of coaching, including:

Connect with Megan: Instagram | TikTok | Website

After experiencing challenges with panic attacks, Aaron Espe figured out how to build a career that works for him. Aaron is currently a full-time songwriter based in Nashville Tennessee.

In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I chat with Aaron about songwriting, creativity, and adapting to creative adversity.

I first heard his music in 2012 when I was presenting the music podcast, Lost on Radio. Aaron was our artist of the week with his track, Hanging By a Thread. I felt an instant connection to his sound and have been keeping a close ear on his work ever since.

His book, On Songwriting: Practical Tips and Insights from a Decade in Music City will be an important part of my reference library from now on. It’s a fantastic guide for anyone creating things to help rekindle focus, clarity, and a sense of possibility.

We’re at the start of a new year. A time when many are thinking about projects, habits, and changes they want to focus on next.

Whenever we seek advice on making a change, we’re never far from a coach willing to help. But coaching has become a confusing and mysterious mixed bag. So I thought it might help to share some potential red flags to look out for if you’re considering it this year.

Have you noticed that everyone seems to be a “life coach” these days?

Investigative documentaries, articles, and podcasts have started highlighting certain bad practices to look out for in the industry.

Conspirituality released an episode examining emotional exploitation and parallels with multilevel marketing schemes of certain programs that train coaches to become coaches who coach coaches to be coaches. Season 3 of The Dream dives into similar topics in more depth. Online streaming platforms have an ever-growing library of shows exposing abuses in the name of coaching, such as “Escaping Twin Flames“.

While still not perfect, reputable coaching bodies take great care to develop standards and core competencies that keep coaches and coachees as safe as possible amid the lack of official regulation. For coaches and coach training programs that are accountable to and assessed by associations like the International Coaching Federation (ICF), there is a level of professionalism and knowledge demanded of those who pursue accredited certifications.

There are well-defined, concrete explanations about what you can expect from working with a coach. While every coach has a different personal and professional approach, and will develop the most effective ways of working with particular people, the basic scaffold of coaching is necessarily solid.

But loose definitions and ambiguous understandings of coaching can confuse those exploring the field as a means of support. This can lead to misconceptions and a lack of awareness about what to look for and avoid when searching for a coach.

Building on the ICF’s definition, coaching is a thoughtful and creative partnership between coach and coachee that inspires them to explore the possibilities. It helps unlock sources of imagination and resourcefulness to overcome external challenges and inner obstacles to desired outcomes. It is focused on creating a practical pathway for a future-oriented objective.

Coaching is not about fixing, advising, or training. Coaching is a specialist skill in and of itself. It’s not about telling someone what to do or imparting knowledge. It’s built on structured conversations that require trust and collaboration to serve an intentionally articulated purpose.

The documentaries and exposés often highlight practices that insidiously and explicitly contradict these core coaching principles.

If you’re looking to make a change in your life and could use professional support to help you find focus, motivation, and the right path forward, working with a trained coach is a great option. However, not all coaches are equal, and I’ve compiled a list of red flags based on my observations and conversations with others who have horror stories from the so-called coaches they’ve encountered.

Be suspicious of any coach guaranteeing a specific result. “Get Rich Quick” is always tempting, especially when delivered in an attractive location with charisma and confidence. If it sounds too easy to be true, it almost certainly is. If their bio says “I’ll Help You Grow a 7-figure Business”, proceed with caution.

The question to ask ourselves is, who wants me to believe this is easy? And what’s in it for them if I buy the belief?

If you woke up today without the problem you are suddenly considering hiring a coach for or buying their course to solve it, stop. You don’t need it, and it’s not a problem. Just go back in time and forget you ever came across them.

One of the biggest misconceptions of coaching is that a coach will tell you what to do. It is a red flag if someone sees coaching as sharing “the secret” to success and advising you how to do the same as them. This might be helpful in certain teaching, training, or mentoring contexts, but it is not coaching.

An expert coach has first and foremost become skilled in the art of person-centred coaching. A good coach will be able to coach you around anything, even if your goal/project/challenge is outside of their field of knowledge. In fact, too much knowledge can sometimes be a hindrance because the temptation to give advice and cast judgement might derail the conversation.

While it might feel like we want to shift “up and to the right”, this is meaningless if we are disconnected from meaningful projects and pursuits. In other words, intrinsic motivations. A good coach will help you explore creatively energising ways to stay motivated on the path towards personally compelling outcomes.

The idea that a coach should be better, more successful, knowledgable, or advanced than the coachee is misleading. You are forming a partnership, which exists in service of the coaching agreement (the goal they are supporting you to move towards through focused and constructive coaching conversations that lead you to take purposeful action between sessions).

You may choose a coach who has done what you want to do or who you consider more “successful”, but that shouldn’t be instilled or perpetuated by the coach. They should help you find a compelling path and connect with your approach to accomplishing your desired outcome, which will ultimately look different from theirs.

What will the coach actually do with you? What will working together look like? Can they explain what coaching is (and isn’t)? Walk away if they use therapy speak and claim they will help with mental health conditions. It’s also a big red flag if someone uses their “lived experience” as evidence of their coaching abilities. See also, giving advice and the potential danger of believing you know what it’s like to walk in another person’s shoes.

If you feel rushed into signing up with a coach, it’s a red flag. False scarcity marketing tactics work because they mobilise our sympathetic nervous system and force us to act quickly to mitigate the danger of missing out. Create filters you are unwilling to compromise on, such as a cooling off period before making a decision. If the coach doesn’t allow that or they attempt coercing you by putting up the price if you delay your decision, just walk away.

Likewise, if a coach uses a selection process, it’s more than likely a marketing tactic. They ask you to apply and will let you know if your application is successful. If it IS successful (which it usually is), you might feel special, chosen, and like you shouldn’t squander the chance to spend tens of thousands of dollars on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Be aware of the feelings evoked through processes like this.

Again, take as much time as you need before making a decision. If they tell you “your place is about to be taken by someone else” you can decline the offer.

You won’t click with every coach. That’s normal. But if they deliberately control rapport, employ a “cruel to be kind” approach, or actively create disconnection…it’s a red flag. A coach isn’t there to control or coerce you. They are not there to make you feel bad about yourself. Their job is to support you in an environment conducive to your nervous system feeling safe enough for you to think with openness and creativity.

Likewise, if they test your commitment by manipulating you (“I charge more than you are comfortable paying so that you take the process seriously and do the work”), it is a red flag. Unless they give you that money back at the end, it’s just an excuse for emotional extortion.

If the coaching is part of a group or community, does it feel like you must adopt specific values and beliefs to belong? Does the community support the temporary coaching scaffold (one you have a clear destination for), or do you sense your autonomy being lost to the tribal identity?

If you feel like you can’t exist without the group, it’s a red flag. A healthy community will expand your sense of possibility and potential beyond its walls rather than making you feel like you can’t function outside of it.

If you don’t have a clear idea of where you are going, you might find yourself in a web that becomes a life support machine. Coaching is a tool for a specific purpose. Whether that’s a particular goal or project, or it’s to untangle the chaos of a busy life, there should always be a north star towards which you are heading.

If a coach keeps presenting endless upsells and reasons for you to keep working together, it’s a red flag.

Before choosing a coach, it’s a good idea to ask yourself some questions:

I am a big advocate of the coaching process. It is a beautiful way to explore our many human potentials. This is why I felt compelled to take the time to write this piece. Because I hate seeing people exploit others, and I would love to see people become more critically informed about what coaching is and isn’t. Otherwise, we may simply end up cynically disengaged from the whole thing.

Can you add any red flags to the list from your observations and experiences?

I’m always slightly wary about the use of “superpower” to describe high sensitivity.

In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, Scott Barry Kaufman and I discuss research around high sensitivity and the implications of elevating human traits as superpowers.

Scott points out that sensory processing sensitivity is one of many beautiful and complex human traits that make us who we are. He suggests that any trait can be a so-called superpower if we harness it as such and it’s about learning to integrate and harness sensitivity in helpful and healthy ways.

There have been some interesting (and challenging) studies in the past couple of years looking at portrayals of sensitivity in Western culture. Scott wrote an article for Psychology Today responding to a study examining links between high sensitivity and vulnerable narcissism.

Scott wrote another piece highlighting research into how some people misappropriate the trait of high sensitivity to seek certain benefits. This research found “zero correlation between sensory processing sensitivity and signalling high sensitivity.” In other words, between those with the trait and those who make unreasonable demands using the trait as an excuse.

This research found “zero correlation between sensory processing sensitivity and signalling high sensitivity.” In other words, between those with the trait and those who make demands using the trait as an excuse. For example…

Most of the highly sensitive people I’ve talked to about this list recoil in discomfort at the idea of using their sensitive trait in this way. Especially if it involves making a fuss, receiving special treatment, or requiring others to go above and beyond just for us. In some ways, these indicate a kind of superpower to sensitivity. But not in a way that benefits society (which is what I always thought was the point of a superpower).

Scott writes, “A beautiful and complex trait has become co-opted by some people as a victim-signalling strategy– “a public and intentional expression of one’s disadvantages, suffering, oppression, or personal limitations.” Indeed, recent research suggests that victim signalling is becoming increasingly prevalent in our society and can be viewed as an expression of a “culture of victimhood” in which claiming to be a victim isn’t in the service of receiving help and assistance for a genuine disadvantage but instead becomes something actually desirable and fashionable in itself.”

I believe highly sensitive people have a powerful role to play in the collective potential of humanity. When combined with genuine empathy and compassion, sensitivity senses what needs to be sensed. It feels deeply for the whole and seeks ways to connect rather than drive apart.

Scott Barry Kaufman is a humanistic psychologist exploring the depths of human potential. He received his PhD in cognitive psychology from Yale University and an M.Phil in experimental psychology from Cambridge. He has taught courses on intelligence, creativity, and well-being at Columbia, NYU, and the University of Pennsylvania.

Scott is the author of Ungifted, Wired To Create, Transcend, and Choose Growth. He hosts The Psychology Podcast. In 2015, he was named one of “50 Groundbreaking Scientists who are changing the way we see the world” by Business Insider.

Visit Scott’s website to learn more.