Biscuits! Ever wondered what space aliens get up to in Frinton? No?!? Then here's your chance to find out! Coming to you directly from our Pebble Mill studios, this week's mellifluous montage of music and movement comes to you directly from our Mebble Pill studios. For your free World of Twig Harper Magazine, please see press for details. Failing that, ask Jill at the front desk for one and see how far it gets you.

This week, The Actor Greg Haiste emerges from enforced retirement with self-penned material and receives short shrift, which becomes shorter and shriftier as time goes on. We also bring you not-at-all-acclaimed Trip Advisor contributor Peter Pilbeam as he reviews another hotel or something. Plus David Lynch showcases his unique control of the weather, despite receiving even shorter shrift than The Actor Greg Haiste. Fair do's, though, fair do's.

To the lilting strains of your friendly neighbourhood fuzz duck, we gather another episode while we may. In tonight's barnstorming bonanza of balderdash, Farmer Collins is on hand with a new yet unimproved agricultural song, and Terry Medford has trouble with his slippers. Plus, in Part Two, you can hear both Parts Three and Four for a limited time only. In fact, the limited time is now up, which shows you just how limited time can be.

In tonight's opening salvo of stuff, we bring you up-to-the-minute Shoe Shop News from the actual owners of a shoe shop. Avant-garde film-maker and amateur weather forecaster David Lynch turns up uninvited yet again, and there's a game show the like of which you've never heard before or since - but who is in the soundproof booth? And what of Basil the Cylinder? Tune in and find out, holdall fans!

And lo, we find ourselves at the end of another season of nutty audio raves from John Dredge and his heavily-coerced team of Richard Cray, Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste and James Shakeshaft until such a time as they are prepared to go 'boing' in the same room as each other once again. But never fear, odd listener, for they go out in fine style with an appearance from the latest in extra-terrestrial specimens - and all for the price of a single Green Shield stamp! Now, there's value, value fans! Plus David Lynch makes a surprise appearance (Oh, damn - we've ruined it).

John Dredge presents a startling report on the year's most shocking household implements. There will also be odd noises of all shapes and sizes, plus an argy-bargy of aquatic goodies including the sound of a very large splash, courtesy of our friends at Thames Water. All this, plus Leighton Buzzard in colour. With Richard Cray, Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste, and James Shakeshaft.

The omnipresent John Dredge returns – or does he? Some say he’s never been away. Tune in to find out.

Listeners in New Malden should take note that our roadshow team are also in the area, so please stand well back and allow them to pass along Coombe Road unhindered.

Also this week: Who's behind the cartoon door? Is it Lord Hailsham? Or is it Richard Cray, Mark Davison, Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste, and James Shakeshaft? It's difficult to tell in this light.

In the third of six new podcasts, John Dredge invites our crack team of announcers to announce what's in this week's announcer-packed programme. Yes, every single item in the show has been lovingly frosted with audio glucose. Or has it?

We welcome back agricultural song stylist Farmer Collins for some reason, and there's other things both here and there. If you'd like to swap this podcast for a game of Ker-plunk with half the accessories missing, give Noel a call on 01-811-8055.

Biscuits!

In this week's edition, sideboards rule the roost and there's cubes a-plenty when Reigate comes into the picture - yet all is not as it seems (observe the conundrum as our theme tune is marched straight out of the studio). Pop personalities and phone-ins galore are also very much in short supply tonight, so grab your armchairs and await further instructions / know-how. Plus Trip Advisor's Peter Pilbeam tells you where to go. But not why, sadly. With John Dredge, Richard Cray, Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste, and James Shakeshaft.

Raise your holdalls once more, as the time has come for John Dredge to invoke the spirit of plinths, cagoules and vestibules and unveil a second series of The Nothing to Do With Anything Show.

In this first act of audio audacity, we highlight the achievements of man, woman and shrew with not only the sounds of tomorrow today, but also the sounds of today tomorrow. Come one, come all: our Frinton studios await you! And why not join Richard Cray, Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste and James Shakeshaft in signing our logbook afterwards?