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There’s a trap many people discover when they transition to retirement: saying yes to0 soon or too often. The problem? Your hard-earned freedom can be squeezed by commitments to other people’s needs, not your true priorities. Natalie Lue discusses her new book The Joy of Saying No and the specific challenges faced by people pleasers. She’s found that there are five distinct types, and each one comes with it’s own challenges. What boundaries might be wise to set in 2023? Listen in to my conversation with Natalie Lue for sound advice.

Natalie Lue joins us from Surrey, England.

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Natalie is the author of  the hugely popular relationship and self-esteem blog, Baggage Reclaim (baggagereclaim.com) along with five books, including The Joy of Saying No (HarperCollins/Harper Horizon) and Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. She also hosts The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast, which has over 3 million downloads. For nearly two decades, she’s shared the journey of her transition from toxic relationships to love, care, trust and respect. Her work has been mentioned and featured in the likes of The New York Times, Washington Post, NPR, BBC, The Sunday Times Magazine, and USA Today.

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For More on Natalie Lue

The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want 

Website

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Podcast Episodes You May Enjoy

Chatter & Your Inner Voice – Ethan Kross

Everyday Vitality – Dr. Samantha Boardman

Plays Well with Others – Eric Barker

The Emotional Side of Retiring – Kate Schroeder

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Wise Quotes

On Why We Say Yes – When We Really Want to Say No

“I think a lot of the time we say yes because we are on some level afraid of what will happen if we say no. And that might be a very conscious thought in that moment, but often it’s more of a feeling that we have that we just almost automatically respond to it by saying yes.We like to make people feel good, and that means different things to different people. But in that moment, even though we might already know, I really, really don’t want to do that, we make that person feel good by letting them believe that that’s what we want to do. We like that. We like being thought of as nice and helpful and as unselfish and good. And these prompt us to say one thing on the outside and have a totally different thing going on internally. I think it is a habit.”

On Boundaries

“I wrote this book because I genuinely had discovered the healing and transformative power of saying no and having boundaries. And I make a point of saying that because I think that people see boundaries as saying no and telling people what to do. And a big thing that I learned about having boundaries was boundaries are about being more of who you really are. Because then we’re operating from a place of integrity, authenticity, and honesty.”

On Your People Pleaser Entourage

“What people discover when they start saying no is that they possibly have a people pleaser entourage, certain people in their life who benefit from them not saying no. Celebrities sometimes have that group of hanger-ons. And even though they’re blowing all their money none of these hanger-ons point that out because they don’t want to stop the gravy train. So a lot of people pleasers discover there are certain people who are really reliant on you just going along with things and that can feel very uncomfortable initially. What they also discover though is that a lot of the things that they were nervous about saying no to aren’t really that big of a deal.”

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About Retirement Wisdom

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Schedule a call to find how how the Designing Your Life process (created by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans at Stanford) can help you unlock a new direction – on your own terms.

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About Your Podcast Host

Joe Casey is an executive coach who also helps people design their next life after their primary career. He created his own next chapter after a twenty-six-year career at Merrill Lynch, where he was Senior Vice President and Head of HR for Global Markets & Investment Banking.

He’s the author of Win the Retirement Game: How to Outsmart the 9 Forces Trying to Steal Your Joy.