The Kind of Love

In this solo episode …

Aaron talks about the return to the podcast while sharing a bit of his self-development journey. He's bringing it back full circle to the original idea his friend had… to tell funny love stories. 'Cause love get's weird sometimes... tell me about it.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Eric Hood

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES

Intro

00:00 min

Welcome back everyone... this is the official unpause of TKOL Podcast.

I have taken a break, only to return with a new tone to this podcast ... returning back to where it started and why I call it TKOL in the first place ..

I went through my own personal discovery starting with an emotionally focused therapy, and then love coaches that taught me about mindfulness, and then coming full circle into understanding the body and nervous system.

To sum it up.. I have a mind body and soul approach to healing and having healthy relationships.

And I want to take a lighter look at it…

:45 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

1:00 min - The conversation

Why did this podcast get so serious ?

Hi I'm Aaron, I've unpaused things at TKOL Podcast.

I wanted to give you an update, a pep talk, and a tell you a bit about my journey up until now.

2:15 min

I went back and listened to the first guest with my friend Josh who originally sparked the idea of the podcast.

I shifted the conversation for a while about the stories we tell ourselves, and the deeper meaning.

3:35 min

But, I just wanted to remember that love can be funny ..

I went on a date, and I was putting a lot of pressure on it and my friend said to me "It's either going to work out or be a funny story."

Sometimes we go into relationships and put all of this pressure on relationships and it's like that scene in Tommy Boy.

But, can we take off the heavy facades that we carry around trying gain social approval and just love people once in a while?

5:30 min

Warning, this might get rant-y, funny, weird and even deep.

I tend to go deep and introspective, but talked to my dad and he said, "I don't understand, can you hit me with the bottom line."

Let's hit dad with the truth

6 min

Sometimes you have to take a pause…

So you can go deep and unpeel all of the layers of your life... but then finally ask what is all of this anyway?

Can I just have a night where I'm dating someone and we're just laughing on the couch.

The reason I paused was that things were just getting too heavy and deep.

7:20 min

I now reached "self development purgatory" from so much deep stuff.

Maybe you've worked with the stories we tell ourselves and other "thought work"

Maybe you're working on an emotional approach to better health.

Maybe it's about your physical health and getting stronger.

… I went down that rabbit hole.

I'm more of an analytical and so "the stories we tell ourselves" made sense.

Like the 90's movie "Big Fish"... it is how you tell the story.

9 min

Mental health is really about emotional health

I was listening to Dr. Joe Dispenza meditations trying to manifest my love life and business in to existence.

You can change your thoughts all you want, but you have this whole thing below your neck called your nervous system that can take over and put you into a survival mode.

I also got into the enneagram and other elf- help stuff.

10:25 min

Ten years ago I was sitting in front of a therapist how I messed up a relationship.

I started questioning my own patterns, but it got so serious.

But I needed to look within and do the inner work.

I wanted to change the patterns of my past and relationship patterswhich got me into all of this work.

11:25 min

It all started with an EFT (emotionally focused therapy), talking about my emotions.

Noticed I was repeating myself and my patterns and what I was taking… AND it was getting kind of expensive.

Then I worked with "love" coaches and they helped me see how we become self fulfilling prophecies.

13 min

I got into all of the mental health things/

I started with mindfulness, observing my thoughts, and it helped me quit smoking.

It's a form of "narrative therapy".

But I did a lot of mediations

14 min

I would meditate and feel good for a few hours and then go back to feeling like garbage.

Why I am still sad, depressed, and stressed ?

But I was ignoring the body.

Started doing work with Mastin Kipp who has brought awareness around the idea of how we wire ourselves for relationships down to our nervous system.

I went down a mind, body, soul path.

Let's acknowledge all of it.

For instance, anxiety is really great for outrunning a predator, but not helpful when.

16 min

Brace yourself here comes a heavy word... trauma.

I heard that the opposite of trauma is humor and play, and I thought to myself "I've been going at this all wrong"

17 min

The podcast started with a very funny idea of Josh's, and I've gotten away from it.

It all started with a funny book title

Introspection is interesting, going

But, Like can you also tell me a funny story?

Laughter is letting go and healing your wounds. So We're going to start laughing from now on.

We're going to start sharing some weird stories.

18:50 min

I can't live in the "heavy" for too long... I need a pattern interrupt

Life can be light and easy and fun sometimes too.

And I just wanted to tell you that we're changing things up.

19:40 min

Let's have Josh back... write it in the review section that you would like to have Josh Hernandez back on TKOL Podcast.

I'm going to have some other familiar people back like coaches, therapists, and maybe even family.

I got "Why So Serious?" From the the movie, the Dark Knight.

Let's get back to humor and play and long form content.

21:30 min

Told you a little about my journey.

I and ended up coaching for my childhood therapist, it's like your favorite band asking you to play with them if you were a musician.

22:30 min

Thanks for listening. We're going to start having some fun.

Take a screenshot of your review about Josh Hernandez and send it to my DM on instagram.

And I'll give you a surprise coaching session.

23:22 min - Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening,

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don't miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I'm Aaron.

Best of Love to You

Christie Heppenstall, a Coach & Time Strategist, returns this week to talk about how she found the key to being a high-aching women through self-love and time managment.

christieheppenstallcoaching.com

instagram.com/christieheppenstallcoaching

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES

:25 min Aaron narrates

Self-love Language what is that? And what does that have to do with Time-management?

And what if moving forward and up word meant taking a moment to step back and examine how you're running your life.

I brought Christie Heppenstall back in the second have of this conversation to tell you all this. Christie helps high achieving women, and typically moms to up level their life.

We only have a limited amount of time in our life to experience what we want to experience.

Many times if you are running your life on a high level and not paying attention you can run into burn out. You can even lose a relationship over this and not even be enjoying the life that you're living based on the stress involved trying to be a high achieving human.

So what if you took a step back to really examine your life and ask what's serving you and not serving. With the limited time that we have, you can do more of what you want to do.

I Christie works with time management and self love strategies and help those that want to enjoy the business and life they're living.

2 min

Christie has been coaching for 20 years in a business and sales environment. It always comes down to the beliefs that people hold.

Now she focuses on time managment and productivity in personal 1:1 coaching.

Christie looks back over the last 10 years and wishes she had some one show her these skills, and now she's passionate about helping other women in the same spot.

Christie was needing to find the perfect hack to make it work to try to have a sense of control and feel like she has a place in the world.

4 min

Now she works with women to help them recognize these common traits of really ambitious women. But the same formulas don't work for business as they do for relationships.

Aaron asks about the lower and higher brain process and how it effects time managment and loving yourself.

The lower brain wants to do all the actions that give us the reward like checking off the to-dos. But you're actually in autopilot.

But thats the least loving thing you could do for yourself and Christie argues that with others.

It's all the energy and place you're coming from. If you're coming from a place where your cup is full it will be different with whatever you do.

All the days add up of to your life, but you're doing it from a more authentic place when you're taking care for yourself.

It's not going to land the same way because your not loving yourself

6:30 min

Christie suggests getting outside of your bubble and outside of the chaos, no social media.. it's an exercise to be with yourself.

And then you write down your genius moments of clarity when you are your true self.

Start with what do you actually want in your life. Christie suggests planning out your eulogy, it's a little dark, but it gets you to think bigger.

You'll have a bigger reason why.

8:30 min

It's taking out time for yourself to craft out the legacy and life that you want to leave. Thats the most self-loving thing you can do.

You're going this with your higher brain, your pre-frontal cortex. It's whats best for you in the long wrong.

The lower brain asks what's good right now, which will be a completely different result.

To do lists are toxic and shame and guilt inducing.

9:50 min

Christie's way of replacing the To-Do List is every Sunday evening she sits down and gets everything out of her brain.

You get everything out of your head that you feel you have to do. Half the battle is getting it out.

You cross things off that others could do or what doesn't aline with your goals.

You add in what self care means to you. It's taking time for yourself. Add it all to the list

12 min

You put it all into your calendar. Like booking a trip to Austin, you decide how long it's going to take ahead of time.

Christie highly recommend morning time of 20 min before the kids get up.

It starts with yourself. The Oxygen mask analogy can get people pleasy if we're still doing it from a place of only doing it for others.

14 min

Christie's future self would tell her past self just to slow down and write down how you're thinking and feeling.

When you Slow down it will speed you up for what you really want in life.

You're one thought away

15:50 min

Christie typically helps high performing women with a couple gives and realize that something's got to give.

The problem internal struggle is perfection, people pleasing, and when you do something it doesn't feel authentic.

They are overwhelmed because they look at their schedule and realize they have to do it all.

The real help is discovering what thoughts and beliefs have us in this season of life.

17:50 min

The women Christie works with are looking for peace, purpose, and simplicity.

You can contact Christie on her website Christieheppenstallcoaching.com and her instagram.com/christieheppenstall

Christie gives a detailed 5 step program for ridding your to-do list.

20:10 Aaron Closes

Thanks so much for listening if you enjoy this episode and you rethought having a better relationship with yourself around time management. I'd love to know about it. Please leave a review and tell us your experience or share it with a friend.

If you'd like to connect with Christie Heppenstall you can find her on instagram.com/christieheppenstall Coaching or on her website Christieheppenstallcoaching.com

If you are hurt and heartbroken and would like to reclaim your self-worth and feel confident and whole again I'd love to support you.

Feel free to follow me on Instagram.com/AaronTosti or connect with me at thekindoflove.com.

You've been listening to TKOL podcast.

I'm Aaron.

Best of love to you.

bettermenfilmclub.com

instagram.com/bettermenfilmclub/

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES

::29 min Aaron Talks

Thank you so much for listening. There is so much content out there. There is so many people with microphones in from tof their faces. So may movies.. that I appreciate you taking the time to listen to this.

We've had so many moves that have shaped us. When I started this podcast it came from this idea that we can attach ourselves to other peoples stories and characters in movies.

In the first season of TKOL I talked about movies and songs that shaped my early years and thinking.

Recently a friend and fellow coach Nick Flora, who's been on the podcast before, has started Better Men Film Club where men get together and talk about the deeper meaning behind movies and the characters.

I thought I would bring Nick back to tell us what he's up to.

2 min

Welcome back Nick ! Aaron talked about the movie High Fidelity in the first season and nick says thats the perfect entry point to Better Men Film Club.

There was a lot of one demential feelings in movies from similar movies. And Nick says when we were younger we dated girls cause they had our favorite bands T-shirt on.

4 min

BMFC is a space for men open p the capacity to go deeper

Nick and Aaron are a different breed of men who like to look underneath and ask deeper questions.

Aaron Talks about rob Jordan being self involved and how he related a lot at a young age to the character and even his transformation.

6:30 min

Nick says to take the next step to do something different instead of being surface level or one demential.

Nick says whatever makes you look at things outside of yourself while you're also going in and example

A lot of time people attach themselves to stories in movies, like Aaron's friend did with Back to the Future.

7:50 min

Aaron Asks how Nick facilitates the BMFC. Nick just restarted it. And they talked about the movie Stand By Movie and immediately shared things together.

If you went to tell a story about your childhood you would just repeat what you've told before but through the lens of a movie it makes you rethink and resurface new things.

11 min

Nick says we are visual creatures and sometimes it takes relating to a Character in a movie.

Art allows us to see something different about ourselves.

Nick says it's like an empathy playground to Relate to different characters

13 min

It's a gateway to looking at deeper emotions.

Aaron says because he's seen men taught to suppress anger, he's related to characters like being The Hulk with anger and about to go green.

Aaron Mentions another episode why men need each other.

Nick says men could understand that what we've been taught sometimes is actually the opposite like vulnerability.

Vulnerability is strength not a weakness, like asking for help or admitting that you don't know something.

15 min

Historically a lot of white men has looked stupid because we were closed.

But asking for help is a power move.

Nick has learned so much by shutting up and listening. He says it's important that we shut up and listen to learn more

16:40 min

Nick mentions the Chris Rock and Will smith slap. And what if we asked more questions about that ?

Do your family feel safe when you respond in violence?

What are you doing that you think is one way that's actually coming off another way ?

18:30 min

Aaron asks what if Will Smith would have paused to reframe that moment. What would have been a different outcome ?

Will had so much time to rethink, so many steps to reconsider.

20 min

The messages we've been told through movies is to stand up and be a man. But, It's our jobs as humans to be more evolved.

Aaron and Nick joke that BMFC is like fight club but just punching our emotions.

Aaron asks how this has made lives better.

22 min

It's invited men to have more conversations and rethink the way they're doing things.

Nick says we're the first generation to be more inclusive and a little more in touch.

Men walk away rethinking their relationship dynamic.

24 min

Men are taught that if it has too much complexity to drop out.

Men are attracted to the machines.

Men wishing things for simpler.

Nick says we need to Understand that men have both feminine and masculine. Men tend to only tap into the masculine because of society.

Able to listen to a song and watch a movie and have emotions around it.

27:30 min

Nick jokes that he comes with a lot, it's never a little… like the Catalina wine mixer.

Nick would like BMFC to grow. It's like writing a song. You dream big. Just let it be what it is.

29:30 min

It's the butterfly effect. You can't change the whole world, but you can change your world right now. You only have control over that.

What are we doing if we're not trying to be better and hopefully heal trauma.

Take that and pass it along to the next person.

31:30 min

Reimagining our meaning that we're making up around our experiences.

Which character do you connect with?

You can go to bettermenfilmclub.com and sign up for their events in April.

32:50 min

Podcast is going every week with nicks friend who's on a similar journey.

The podcast is equal parts movie nerd and equal parts looking out ourselves

Aaron could spend a lot more time but

34 min

Aaron Talks about how Forrest Gump gets him every time and his emotional intelligence.

He accepts everyone and accepts his callings.

Nick Flora, FG says yes to his calling and just loves everyone he comes in contact with.

He has mental issues but no qualms with who he is.

36:30 min

Aaron says, "Yes Forrest. Life is like a box of chocolates."

37:20 min Aaron Closes

What do you think about attaching yourself to a character in a movie?

If you want to conned with Nick on every platform under Better Men Film Club.

If you are hurt and heartbroken and wanting to heal from a past relationship and find self-worth. You can reach out to me.

You've been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I'm Aaron

Best of Love to You.

Christie Heppenstall, a Coach & Time Strategist, joins Aaron this week to tell her story about how she stopped the cycle of high-achieving mom guilt by changing her thoughts and drinking habits.

christieheppenstallcoaching.com

instagram.com/christieheppenstallcoaching

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES

:25 min Aarons Talks

So since I've started this podcast it's been centered around having a better relationship with yourself and reframing, rethinking, reimagining what it looks like on the life and love you desire.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself if what you're doing is serving your higher good and the good for those around you.

Life happens, things come up, habits get forms.. you continue grow into who you want to be or someone you don't want to be. It's more about how you respond to life relationships love all of it

This weeks guest is my new wonderful friend Christie Heppenstall who is a transformational coach that works around time management but her discovery around being a high achieving human and the coping mechanism she fell into..

A very socially acceptable copy mechanism… A glass of wine.

every day to lessen the stress around being a high achieving businesswoman and mom.

I think for a lot of us and especially if you're a parent who is also having a full-time job or a business owner it's easy to slip into habits that make the hard parts of life even harder.

Really wanted Christie to start off by sharing her story around how she freed herself from mom guilt by stop drinking.. and continued her path as a high achieving businesswoman… just by observing her thinking.

3:30 min

Christie Begins telling Aaron her story about how she quit drinking.

She had equated her achievements at work with her self-worth.

6 min

Christie was doing well achieving until she had kids. And got really into time scheduling hacks. She realized she couldn't control everything in her environment.

She would get into cycles where she was ambish

Christie thought by playing more additional roles she could get ride of mom guilt.

She tried to solve her feelings by doing more and playing all of these roles..

8:30 min Her mantra was "I'm fine" mixed with perfection and having to do everything at her best.

Christie would hit overwhelm. She had to wear the mask of " having it all together."

She would try to be zen, and trying to solve an emotional by doing a thing even if that means trying to let go.

11:00 min

Christie started ramping up the habit of drinking a glass of wine, which she refers to as her BFF.

She thought her companion, the glass of wine, would help her. And she never suspected there was a problem.

She would start bargaining and justifying drinking, and realizing that it's totally socially acceptable.

14 min

Aaron asks Christie what the tipping point was how that changed things for her.

Christie has an extensive coaching background but she found a new book that was noting that all behavior comes from a feeling.

15 min

Christie asked herself what she was feeling when she went to go have a glass of wine

The gateway into having a better life was quitting alcohol. Anything you do is because of what you feel, and what you feel is from a thought. Christie didn't think it could be that simple and so she tried it.

17:30 min

She has a desire and a craving, but it was all centered around thinking "I deserve this"

She questions her thoughts. Is that what she wanted?

She gently let go of those thoughts.

19 min

Christie completely quite like a miraculous sobriety.

Aaron pauses Christie for a moment to ask about all of the detachment that has to happen biologically and if she considers that cold turkey.

Christie says cold turkey is out of will power, but this was different.

The beliefs around her desires just weren't true.

21 min

She realized she had 20 years of beliefs that were convincing her to drink. Christie says, alcohol is the only drug you have to justify not using.

It became a personal challenge to question her thoughts. She started Slowing down and questioning everything.

23:30

in February 2020 Christie's mom got diagnosed with cancer and she was the only sibling that was in the same state to help her.

24:45 min

Aaron asks Christie how the alcohol was effecting your marriage. When she looks at her husband she still sees the core of her husband. Christie said her husband responded with "What a cute little phase".

They wondered how it might change their relationship, but it didn't.

26:45 min

We can evolve in our own ways and be ok with each other changing. Aaron says thats the most power thing to love someone through the different phases of life.

Christie was forever changed from what she learned from that time period.

28:45 min Aaron Closes

Hey thanks so much for listening if you enjoy this episode and either had an aha moment or thought having a better relationship with yourself we'd love to hear about it. Please leave us a podcast review it always helps others become aware of this podcast and my passion to help people love themselves better through self-awareness.

If you'd like to follow or connect with Christie you can do still on Instagram.com/christieheppenstallcoaching or christieheppenstallcoaching.com

Make sure to stay tune for next episode when I speak with Christie about how time management in your life is a love language of it's own.

If you are feeling hurt and heartbroken and want to reclaim a better relationship with yourself and have more self-worth so you can feel confident in hole a person. I'd love to support you. You can connect with me on Instagram at Aarontosti [email protected]

You've been listening to TKOL podcast

I'm Aaron.

Best of love to you

Morgan continues to share her story about dating a sociopath, and what she's learned from it all.

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES

:25 min Aaron Narrates

After talking with Morgan about the red flags of a narcissist and possible sociopath, we now talk about understanding this specific trauma and finding awareness and healing on the other side.

We try to see the other side of the trauma. Morgan talks about not needing someone to complete her in her life. Rather just two good people coming together.

We can't blame ourself for what we don't know. We can only do better once we know better.

A sociopath doesn't actually care about you. They'll just move on to the next person. So what do you do? How do you see this as a gift? How do you learn from such a dysfunctional relationship?

It's shocking when someone has been lying to you. So how do you take off the blinders.

How do you trust your intuition again now that you're re-learning to see what's a lie and whats the truth?

When something dramatic or traumatic happens, you have to understand what its about for you. You have to see what the other person created and what you created. Understand their pain doesn't have to be your suffering. When you start acknowledging that this was a pattern of someone else, and that it wasn't about you. You stop blaming yourself. And when you stop blaming yourself, that's the first step into loving and healing yourself.

If you can see this unfortunate experience as a gift, such as going through this level of trauma, it can motivate you for your next relationship. You will want to be even more aware for that next person, and attract someone who is as healthy as you are.

4:10 min

Morgan had to figure out morning the loss of someone who isn't even real. She was romantically over him immediately.

Morgan says the self work of it was understanding why it happened. What about myself, attracted a person like that.

Morgan says they target honesty.

7:30 min

Morgan talks about her child wound of not having a father around. She says it was like her subconscious was looking for what looked like security.

Morgan realizes no one can complete you. She says you don't need someone to make yourself complete in your life.

10:30 min

Morgan blamed herself for not seeing or not knowing. You can only be responsible for what I did know. I can't beat myself up for what I didn't know.

12 min

Not shaming yourself for what you haven't learned yet. You would be shaming your intuition.

Different phases you go through.

It's a very specific trauma. First phase being denial.

Morgan was distracted at first by her Ex moving on. A sociopath will move on to a new person.

You have to look at yourself and see it as a super dysfunctional gift.

16 min

Why does Morgan's friend want to be hold onto a dysfunctional ex ?

When you move in with somebody, you're giving up part of your life to be with someone.

17:40 min

It's a rude awakening to know that someone's lied to you in a relationship.

You get comfortable and use to the love trauma.

Some people make it a full body break up experience. Morgan feels all of the things. Aaron Things all of the things.

20 min

Aaron asks Morgan, "what is the love that you do want now that you've been through such a traumatic relationship."

Morgan listens to her intuition. Now she knows the red flags. "There's something that I'm not trusting with you"

You need to be on the same page and have the same values.

22 min

Morgan just not dating right now. She took a break. Morgan feels like she is as healed as she can be.

Lying is a deal breaking, non negotiable for Morgan

23 min

Little "t" triggers and big "T" Triggers, or small red flags and big red flags.

"When you're wearing rose colored glasses, they all just look like flags."- Morgan

It's a lot of upfront conversation to be honest from the beginning.

25:30 min

What looks safe for Morgan dating again? When does she share her story with her new partner ?

If someone doesn't know your wounds of the past, they might still be a trustworthy person who is pushing your triggers and not knowing it.

"I would like to think that the next relationship that person will be able to hold space for me." - Morgan

27:20 min

After all of this dysfunctional talk, Aaron said he's looking for some kind of silverzlining and true love in Morgan's story.

If you've been digesting lies for a long time. At some point you have to let yourself purge all of that crap.

Shame want's to hide it, so instead bring it out into the light.

Morgan put out there as public knowledge and had women respond with "He did that to me too"

You tend to blame yourself, but when you look at it and see that it's a pattern you don't blame yourself.

It puts light on all the times someones makes YOU feel like you're "crazy" and then you realize they're the crazy maker.

30:40 min

Morgan's at a place where she's really happy with herself. But she does want to be with someone who is equal to the healthy relationship she wants to be in.

Morgans ok if she doesn't find it.

32 min

It turns to a dating in your 30s conversation. Morgan says she wants to cut herself some slack.

Nothing ever happens on the timeline you think it does. If it happen's cool if it doesn't cool. I'll be ok.

Morgan says, "My current relationship is very successful" referring to being single.

33:40 min

Aaron thanks Morgan for spreading the awareness of the conversation.

Morgan's advises to reach out others and bring crappy things to light and trust your intuition.

Find people that will help and talk with you through it.

Morgan didn't realize she was in an abusive relationship until someone else helped her see that.

36:20 min

Love is no strings attached and with someone like a sociopath all the strings are attached and you become a puppet.

38 min

Healing relationships is all about having an awareness.

Become aware of behavior patterns, trust your intuition and when something doesn't go the way you expect, see it as a gift. When you appreciate it as a gift, you see it as a learning experience, and you gain the power of awareness. You can only change and heal from what you are aware of. Many people would want to stuff, his, run from, avoid an experience like this, but they don't give themselves a chance to heal.

Thanks for listening TKOL Podcast

I'm Aaron.

Best of Love to You

Morgan returns from the first season to share her story with Aaron about all of the red flags she became aware of after dating a sociopath.

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

:23 Aaron Talks

This is a two part episode on a heavier topic around narcissism and sociopathic tendencies.

In my field of work I don't like to throw around the word narcissism or sociopath very often. I view narcissism like a scale or a spectrum.

I suggest people really get clear on the differences. Narcissists are very hurt wounded people on the inside who feel they need have the world revolve around them and they need to make others small in order to do that.

Generally speaking psychopaths are born and sociopaths are made. Sociopaths are all narcissists but not all narcissists are sociopaths.

So you know… I am not a psychologist, I'm a coach and my passion is being a student of life, love and relationships.

This episode is intended to bring awareness to those that might be trapped in a harmful relationship with someone who may be sociopathic or an extreme narcissist.

My friend Morgan, who I dated in high school and was in an episode of the first season, has returned to tell us about her experience dating a Sociopath & a narcissist. Not a light conversation.

Have you found yourself ignoring red flags. Have you had the blinders on and make excuses for your partners harmful behaviors?

You might be in a relationship with an unhealthy destructive person and need to seek professional help.

When someone has extreme manipulative behaviors, they are hiding something and don't want you to find out. If you expose the truth, they'll make you feel bad for it by misdirecting guilt. Thats a form of gaslighting.

When you make excuses for your partner that don't add up, you start becoming part of their disillusioned story and fantasy.

This is why exposing the truth with other safe people is so important.

Hiding it will only make it worse.

The only way out of a harmful relationship like this is to start telling yourself the truth and trusting your intuition.

This first part is about understanding the red flags, because they don't always appear that way at first.

Morgan has been so bold and vulnerable to be able to share her story so that others may be able to step out of harms way.

Before the conversation gets started, if you've been listening to this podcast and something stands out to you or you've had an aha moment or maybe rethought love in someway. Please go ahead and leave a review and share your experience. It helps others learn from their experiences as well.

3:20 min

Morgan starts out telling a story about being told to smile by a drunk gay guy at a bar, and how she called him out.

Misogyny doesn't always come from strait men.

Morgan didn't feel unsafe, but she speaks about how the Me Too moment has allowed her to speak up.

5:15 min

Aaron turns the conversation over to talking about dating a sociopath, the story of Morgan's experience.

Some people experience it more often than you think but a lot of women experience some form of abuse and it's not until they're told that a light comes on and it makes sense.

6:40 min

Morgan mentions the classic move and red flags are love bombing super hard. Saying things like You're everything they're looking for. Like they are studying you.

Everything moved quickly and for Morgan it was the first time she had let a boyfriend move in with her so quickly.

The person on the receiving end is overlooking the red flags.

9:30 min

Red flags are just something to be aware of and question intention. Be aware and ask why someone is so ready to move in so quickly for instance.

Aaron talks about being aware of putting all of yourself in to the relationship, but it was different for Morgan. The relationship seemed to be everything that she wanted at first.

She had been waiting for so long for something. They we into all of the same things.

12 min

The relationship seemed really in sync, but Morgan overlooked a lot of things.

Morgan said, "He was a piece of work."

Morgan made a lot excuses when he was making a slight of hand.

Another major red flag for Morgan was her ex describing every ex girlfriend as "crazy". "All my ex's are crazy."

If all of your ex's are crazy, that means you're the common denominator.

Morgan asks, what does that word "crazy" even mean? It can be an easy out, especially for a compulsive liar.

15:30 min

Aaron asks about what the tale tale signs were and when it all started clicking for Morgan.

Morgan didn't see any signs for a year. Morgan started seeing that he wasn't being honest. She just had a gut feeling. She felt anxiety in her chest.

17 min

Morgan shares a story about how her ex made excuses when they were going to a concert.

Little lies building up to bigger ones.

Morgan shares a big lie about her ex and his passport.

19:40 min

Aaron asked if there was ever any confrontation, and Morgan said that the main thing was that he was cheating on her the entire time.

Morgan finally caught him in a lie but then he blamed it back on Morgan.

Morgan thought she was going crazy. He was so good at creating a lie.

She talks about how you would have to spend a lot of close time lithesome to even know its going on.

22 min

Morgan talked to his ex girlfriends and they all told her the same story. The same story she had gone through.

Morgan started writing a blog. The best way to not be holding on to a lie is to share the truth.

23:15 min

Aaron asks where Morgan saw signs of narcissism as apposed to sociopathic behavior.

Morgan doesn't have a degree but she's done so much research and a lot of therapy around this.

In his mind it's grandiose, but the dichotomy is that he hates himself so he has to fill the hole or lack from everybody around him.

26 min

Narcissist need others to fill the lack in them. The co-dependent becomes like a drug. They need someone to affirm their addiction to not address their pain.

Morgan shares a wild story about her ex coming home with a machine gun and had no explanation for it.

28:20 min

Morgan also shares a story about her ex lying about how he doesn't have a PayPal account. He was great and spinning stories.

Morgan said he had major finance and responsibility red flags like still paying for his ex's or jumping to another account drastically.

Sociopaths are so good at lying they can pass a polygraph.

30:30 min

Aaron asks what wasthe catalyst for getting out of the relationship..

Morgan was planning to meet him out of down, but her ex didn't pick her up for 20 hours. She stayed in the city by herself.

Morgan tells the really big story about how they ended up breaking up to her friend.

Her friend knew the truth and just assumed Morgan and her ex were in an open relationship which wasn't the case.

It ended back with an argument with him saying "your crazy". Morgan kicked him outing changed the locks

35:50 min

Aaron says " I don't think ending on good terms is the end of a story for being with a sociopath."

Morgan said she had to dig deep and investigate. She started reading other people's stories with the same patterns.

Aaron asks about the aftermath of the relationship….

37:20 min Aaron Closes

Thanks so much for listening to TKOL podcast. Make sure to check in next week for part two of my conversation with Morgan around The aftermath of recovering from this type of harmful relationship.

If you or you know someone who is struggling in a harmful relationship patterns and is trying to recover from her and heartbreak and wants to clean their self-worth and wants to feel like a whole person again. Please reach out to me or another professional.

You can connect with me about my heart centered life and relationship coaching at thekindoflove.com or on Instagram.com/AaronTosti.

This is TKOL podcast.

I'm Aaron.

Best of love to you.

Aaron talks with his friend Eric DeLong, a Life Coach & Songwriter about how his practice of slowing down has impacted his life.

instagram.com/ericdelongmusic

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES

:25 Aaron Talks

Do you feel so rushed, hurried, stress, anxious that you rarely find yourself enjoying much of anything..

One of my favorite ideas came from a book called "The One Thing" and it mentions how multi-tasking was a term invented for computers, not for humans….

Our culture and really our ego want to believe that we're expected to be all places at all times for fear we might not be enough or might be missing out on something else.

But that's not how we're instead to function. We're intended to function in the present moment.

This week I invited my friend and fellow Coach Eric DeLong about how you can create our own anxiety by being somewhere else other than where you are at right now.

Often we're either ahead of ourselves worrying about the outcome or lingering in the past struggling to let go.

This is like adding more stress to stress and suck the enjoyment out of whats happening right in front of you, even if it's what you said you wanted.

Eric shares his practice of slowing down, getting into your 5 senses, even if it's just as simple as enjoy a cup of coffee you made.

And real quick before we launch into the interview, if you found yourself rethinking love or coming to a new awareness about love and relationships.. I'd love to hear about it. Please leave this podcast a review and share.. when you share your growth it not only helps you, but helps others.

3:30 min

Aaron introduces Eric.

Eric has a lot to his story… he's been a pastor, been through divorce, been a musician, and had a lot of transformation since then.

4:30 min

Aaron asks Eric about the art of slowing down.

Eric explains that slowing down is about the present awareness. It's helped him amongst the chaos of life and also helped him appreciate the beaut in life.

Eric stumbled upon this idea when he got divorce and it started with meditation.

6:20 min

Eric said he was so stressed that he started smell. Our senses are a sensual connection to the present moment.

7:50 min

Eric shares what that practice looks like in his daily life. The power of your sense brings you into the present moment.

A simple example is slowing down to enjoy food and coffee.

How often have you driven somewhere but forgot how you got there?

10 min

Eric takes this practice into other aspects in his life like taking walks and feeling into his body and listening to the sounds around him.

It's about being where you are. It's simple and brings out a lot of gratitude.

12 min

There's a lot of components of slowing down, like allowing yourself a margin that suits you.

Eric talks about leaving margin of times to put you in a mind frame of responding, calm, and not reacting.

14:20 min

Aaron asks Eric a question, Eric has to think, but then Aaron reminds him that he's free to slow down.

Aaron talks about how he was coached to come almost to a completely stop, a pause to get him out of a reactionary place and more into a responsive state.

15:20 min

Our response naturally is to be urgent, but Eric sometimes closes his eyes and asks himself how he is doing.

Sometimes you'll be surprised at how you're doing.

People appreciate a thoughtful response.

17 min

Aaron Talks about showing up and allowing yourself to be authentic in the present moment.

Sometimes its a reflection for others to take time to listen to themselves.

19 min

When you slow down you have more enjoyment for the moment.

There's infinite moments in the world yet we're appreciating this moment.

Eric talks about why it's important like being on a date and enjoying the meal, and not getting caught up with the deadline like a movie.

When you're not present you're robbing yourself of the experience.

21:30 min

Maybe your just meant to enjoy and revel in the meal. If you're rushed and hurried you're not going to enjoy the moments for its fullest potential.

Aaron uses Eric's remarks as an analogy for relationships and how we get ahead of ourselves in relationships instead of enjoy where you're at.

23:40 min

Aaron asks Eric if this has effected his creative writing process in music. Eric enjoyed the process.

Eric says so often we try to get to the outcome, but Eckhart Tolle talks about being in the process.

25:30 min

Eric talks about not getting ahead of himself in the writing process and not going back to old writing patterns.

Eric has a song about feeling younger as you get older.

27 min

Eric said he wouldn't have made his most favorite song, if he hadn't slowed down.

Eric asks himself, "Whats coming up for me right now?"

Eric is about to put out some new music.

You can follow Eric on instagram.com/ericdelongmusic

28 min

Eric's last thoughts are to slow down and connect with your senses. Instead of doing things to get where you're going, do things to enjoy where you are.

Aaron says it can lower so much stress and anxiety.

Now we're going to step into the goodness of Thai Food.

29:20 Closing

Thanks for listening.

Eric helps recovering nice people speak their needs, own their wants and live their truth. If you'd like to connect with Eric for coaching, or be the first to hear his new music.. follow him on instagram.com/ericdelongmusic

If you are feeling hurt, heartbroken and would like to claim your self-worth, stop harmful relationship patterns, Love yourself, and find confidence and independence.. I'd love to support you.. you can connect with me thekindoflove.com or

instagram.com/aarontosti

You've been listening to TKOL Podcast

I'm Aaron

Best of love to you.

In this episode Aaron talks with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a trauma and therapy informed mentor, about understanding the difference between neediness, needs, wants and how powerful fear can be.

Instagram.com/salveofthecircle

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES

:25 min

Bringing self-awareness around your desires and how you use your attention in your relationship.

When we were young the love that we got was equal to the attention we got from our parents or caretakers. When we get into relationships we place our attention where we want love, have desires, and how we tend to our needs.

Many times we can get attached or even become addicted to what doesn't serve us well. Think of how you spend your attention on your phone, where you spend your attention in your relationship, and how you spend it on yourself.?

If we aren't honest with ourselves about what we want and crave, we'll find ourselves placing our attention else where, self-meditating and coping.

What if you were honest with yourself about what you crave, what your fears really are, and how you want to feel in your relationship? Do you think your experience would change?

In part 3 of my conversation with Tracy-Rose, we talk about decreeing between our wants and needs. We talk on the difference between knowing our needs and neediness, how powerful fear can control our relationships, and that fear will keep us trapped in harmful relationships with ourselves.

2:04 min

Tracy motions how important it is to discern between your needs and wants. A lot of us live from a place of "I want" and it can get diluted to "I need".

A lot of us continue the same behaviors and reactions expecting different response, which is insanity

3:00 min

Aaron talk about the difference between needs and neediness. Neediness feel desperate.

Tracy-Rose says neediness is a want. Needs are typically simple.

Getting in touch with your ego and form a relationship. Tracy-Rose doesn't think kill your ego is good, but rather having a healthy ego. But it can be confusing if you don't know what you need.

5:30 min

People can get addicted to the need from others like getting likes on Instagram and getting attention to feel like a whole person.

Tracy did a Technology detox that was 72 hours and learned that most people are doing something else with technology. Like driving in the car without having the music playing.

Aaron mentions mindfulness. Tracy mentions consumption and the proportion of intake vs outtake.

7:20 min

Over technology can actually keep you from dating. Like two women discussing how they want to date more, getting asked out, but being scared to actually say yes.

Dating, when done safely is just an exchange of energy. Women have different ideas around safety but Dating doesn't have to be as vulnerable as you think it is.

Aaron's favorite piece from the book, "If the Buddha dated" is crawling into love, rather than falling into love. And how you are created a bond and be mindful in the present moment with that person rather getting ahead of yourself.

9:10 min

Tracy-Rose talks about having mutual friends when she met her partner. She found safety in reference checking with friends.

Tracy had those stressful Intrusive thoughts around dating her partner and then slowed down had better conversation with herself. She was able then to observe how she was showing up.

11 min

Let the date be what it is and don't get far ahead of yourself. Like being at the coffee shop and seeing someone you like, not interpreting them as your baby mama, but maybe let it be the women that get a smile from.

Then there's not so much fear around the vulnerability.

11:50 min

Aaron says he loves curiosity as a response to anxious thoughts that are what if worst case scenarios. But instead, what if something awesome happens?

Then your needs shift from a future thought to the present moment.

12:50 min

Tracy-Rose talks about a show she was watching based around fear. Fear is powerful and can be a destructive energy. Fear often dehumanizes.

13:50 min

Most often fear creates BS illusions. Its about listening to fear so it doesn't take control of you.

Fear wants to grip ahold of you, and then we become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Fear can render you unable to move and therefore feeling stuck in the patterns and cycle. It's like being stuck spinning in place or analysis paralysis.

It's like putting the gas and the brakes on at the same time. We all need to take a breath.

16 min

Tracy-Rose wraps up by thanking each other for being here and thanking the listeners. Hopefully something inspired you in this episode.

16:50 Closing

Thanks for doing us in this conversation. If there was something inspiring or you rethought something we'd love to hear about it in the reviews. Reviews help spread more awareness about the podcast.

If you if want to connect with Tracy-Rose on instagram.com/salveofthecircle

If you are struggling in harmful relationship patterns and want to claim your self worth, you can connect with me thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/aarontosti

You've been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I'm Aaron

Best of love to you.

In this episode, Aaron talks more with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a trauma and therapy informed mentor, about Dating, Attraction, and having a Secure Attachment Style post 2020.

Instagram.com/salveofthecircle

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES

:25 min Aaron Talks

Do you have an awareness around your attachment style and what you attract and are attracted to? Do you have an awareness around what you are creating with your thoughts?

After 2020 that has been an adjustment for some of us.

Sometimes it's easy to slip into not being aware of the interactions and outcomes of daily social dynamics. Wondering why you have the same experiences over and over again and wonder why nothing changes.

Many times we don't allow ourselves to change our response, or step into something different because its uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Even though we say we want something different or new, it seems to be foreign. We don't have a different experience, so we go into old patterns and responses.

What if you took a chance on changing your approach and doing something different?

In this Part 2 with Tracy-Rose my trauma and therapy informed cousin.. we talk about the different aspects of your own self-awareness, your patterns, habits, self-worth, neediness, assumptions, boundaries, and what it looks like to have a secure attachment style especially post 2020..

2:25 min

Tracy talks about how it's weird to go out now, and Aaron mentions it's terrible for dating. Masks don't help flirting.

We're all adjusting to post 2022 social environments.

4:25 min

Aaron talks about dating and his attachment styles. He took the Attached test which really helped him understand and reframe his interactions in dating and clients.

5:50 min

Aaron talks about moving out of Anxiety by making it about the other person rather yourself and by seeing whats great about them.

A good way to view the Secure attachment style is like being a lighthouse, not a tug boat. A great relationship would be like going on a road trip and not needing to chase or avoid each other, but simply be together.

7 min

Secure attachment is steady, confident, like the light house spreading the light, but not trying to drag anyone your way.

8:30 min

A relationship is a Co-creation. Theres an energy that changes when you come together.

When we show up with someone, all of us shows up.

9:50 min

Tracy-Rose talks about showing up as your healed disciplined self. Seeing yourself as whole.

There's a difference in energy that shows up when you are attracted to someone as apposed to meeting just anyone.

12 min

Tracy-Rose talks about the Social prompts and cues when you're attracted to someone new. You're still the same person but your energy shifts and changes.

You're like a peacock who shows their feathers. We are shape shifting and adapting to our environment.

14 min

In the metaphor of the lighthouse, we might say "Thats a good looking boat" but as a lighthouse attracting someone, we stay grounded remaining to be ourselves in the process.

15 min

Aaron has heard it said that we've lost the art of dating. It's about being mindful in the moment and being aware of your whole self showing up, your patterns, your habits, and your self worth.

16 min

Tracy-Rose shares an interaction she had. Understanding where the other person's energy is and meeting them with hers.

Aaron talks about the 3 energies of give, take, and receive.

When the two energies between two people come together and theirs attraction, sometimes you can start creating desires that you didn't have before or that are from your past. It came up as you are talking with this person.

18 min

Aaron talks about asking for consent and asking yourself, whats the story going on for you.

It is desperate neediness energy trying to GET something from someone.It's not manipulative.

It's about not making assumptions and asking questions.

19:45 min

Tracy-Rose talks about the male to female interaction. Some women just give away their number not knowing that they really wanted to.

It's about being aware, slowing down, having pause, and creating a safe space.

The women has to feel like she's allowed her authentic self to be there.

21 min

It's a risk, but it allows the women to say yes or no without rejection, abandonment, or retaliation.

Aaron shares his story of being challenged to ask out enough women to get rejected 5 times. He noticed if he used the word date, it was a lot of pressure for women.

22:30 min

It's about slowing down, pausing, and even asking yourself for permission if this is something you want. And then being intentional from there.

23 min Closing

Thanks for listening to TKOL Podcast. Hopefully you had some takeaways from this episode.

If you did have something come up for you around relationships or self-awareness.. I'd love to hear about it. Please give the podcast a review.

You can connect with Tracy-Rose on Instagram.com/salveofthecircle

Stay tuned for the next episode when Tracy and I talk more about neediness, cravings, and how we can even come addicted to the attention on social media and in our relationships that give us a false sense of identity instead of feeling like a whole person.

If you're struggling in harmful relationship patterns, and you'd ike to free yourself by claiming your self-worth. You can find me here…

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

You've been listening to TKOL Podcast

I'm Aaron.

Best of Love to You.

In this episode Aaron talks with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a trauma and therapy informed mentor, about compulsive thinking, thought patterns, and how to be the observer of your thoughts.

instagram.com/tracyroselisauskastherapy/

Instagram.com/salveofthecircle

instagram.com/Aarontosti

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes

:25 min

Aaron Talks

Sometimes it takes tragedy strikes until we decide to understand whats happening under the surface and our relationship with ourself. Why do we need to have more self-awareness around our self talk, thought partners, and it's effecting our self-worth.

When we break through the awareness of how our thoughts are effecting are lives then we can change. It changes our compulsive thinking, addictions, attachments to unhealthy things and can even shift our self worth when we recognize the harmful conversations we are having with ourselves.

I brought my therapy and trauma-informed cousin Tracy-Rose to talk about some these deeper truths and self-awareness topics. This first Part we talk about mindfulness, addiction, compulsive thinking, not taking things personally, and facing second guessing and the inner critic..

It's about changing your inner world before you change your outer world.

2 min

Aaron shares a bit of his story about having better self-talk and how he quit smoking around observing his thought patterns and self-talk.

It became a way to not react off of every thought, and take more control of yourself.

4:30 min

Tracy -Rose mentions involuntary thoughts, ADHD, and OCD being common terms we use around thought patterns. Its the mind overthinking and going, going, going. We can be taken hostage by our minds.

Tracy says addictions are us self-medicating on things you think you have control over, but really it has control over you

6:30 min

It takes slowing down and observing thoughts. Tracy thought every thought she had to believe and she had to react to them. She didn't understand the connection at from.

Aaron talks about not only observing your thoughts, but then starting to observing your feelings. He shares a story about he had an involuntary thought that he was weird, like an inner bully.

10 min

What do you do with these involuntary thoughts. How would you talk to yourself if you were being bullied?

Tracy says our thoughts do have any impact until we put meaning to them. She hears the word "weird" and thinks that cool. Aaron heard it

Tracy explains DBT ( after the interview she correct that and she meant CBT). Its basically mindfulness. Your experiences reinforce your thoughts until you take control of them.

14 min

Tracy-Rose talks about having reactions and not taking things personally.

Usually our involuntary thoughts come from something in our environment, even on an unconscious level.

16 min

Coffee shops are social anxiety inducing, everyone's checking in and seeing whats going on while getting hopped up on coffee. Aaron says it's like a daytime sober bar.

Second guess or self judging is normal.

Reevaluating social cues and interaction since 2020 because we've been hibernating and told to stay home and be anti-social.

17:45 min

Closing

Thanks for Listening to TKOL Podcast. Please leave a review and let us know if you had an "ah-ha" moments.

Stay tuned for the next episode Tracy and Aaron Talk about Dating, Attraction and Attachment styles after 2020.

You can connect with Tracy-Rose here instagram.com/salveofthecircle

If you're struggling in harmful relationship patterns and want to claim your self-worth. You can connect with me here thekindoflove.com

You've been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I'm Aaron.

Best of Love to you.