The Kind of Love

In this episode, Aaron talks with J. Churchill Morris about how he learned to bring empathy, curiosity, and kindness after having over 1000 first dates.

instagram.com/aarontosti

instagram.com/churchill.morris

JMorris.co

thekindoflove.com

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes

:23 min Aaron Talks

I think dating can get convoluted, complicated and you can get carried away in some kind of story you're creating around a person that's not reality or hasn't fully developed yet..

I mean dating especially from your mid to late 20s and beyond. When you've been through the ringer enough times. You've had some heartache, you've had some good experiences that you've held onto a little too much. Like the partner that you thought was going to work out, but then set you on a different course. Maybe that was a healing journey, maybe that was just a distraught detour of frustration and heartache to where, you're not really sure if being with someone something you even care to have.

Maybe you just want to have fun, and never settlin into a relationship ever again.

I've been there. I'm still there. My married friends will tell me they're thankful they don't haven't to deal with dating and the ups and downs.

And yet I still want to have the enjoyment and excitement of meeting someone new, the relationship feeling new again, and the romance of having intimacy, passion, and excitement.

If you've come to any sort of awareness about why things haven't worked out for you, you've realized that the on some level you're the common denominator, you're the director of your own dating life.

Maybe you've gone to therapy, or worked with a coach to sort out what about you is holding you back from the love you want.

It's challenging right ? You have to look at stuff like you're past childhood, and what it taught you about love. You have to look at your past relationships to notice what you've learned.

And all the while you're just wondering, can I just go out on a date, have some laughs and see where the it leads without getting caught up in your head, or getting emotionally devastate like you got from your from your past experiences.

To say it simply, dating can be overwhelming. So we anxiously chase it or avoid it like the plague.

But it's about finding your center. Its about learning to trust your intuition and learn what it takes to become a secure person who's bold enough to date anyone.

I brought my friend and fellow coach J. Morris who has been on over a thousand dates. Yea, he counted them.

We talk about some of the key fundamental ingredients to having a better dating life.

Being curios enough to put your expectations, fears and internal pressure aside to really just get to know someone.

Being empathic enough to understand where someone is coming from and not project your experiences from the past into the relationship.

And being Present and mindful enough to be on the date you're actually on, rather than the relationship you're making up in your head and fantasizing over.

4:10 min

• Jay introduces himself

• J has had over 1000 dates

• J feels like he's at his best for meeting the person

7:00 min

• J's values empathy, curiosity, and kindness

• Low expectation of what it has to be

• From bumble date to roommates

• The more you get to know other people, the more we get to know more of your story

9:00 min AUDIOGRAM

• Going in with low expectation

• Best intentions low attachment

• Being present on a date is meaningful

• Intentionally can get toxic when there's a lot of weight to it

• Getting lost in your head, anxiety that is paralyzing, will get sabotaging

11:30 min

• No rules, just is everyone ok with whats happening

• It's taken J a while to deconstruct the social expectation

• Aaron comes from a similar background of putting a lot of expectations

13:40 min

• There something interesting that happens when you ask good questions and listen

• Sometimes our best foot forward means too much of us trying to impress people

• It takes vulnerability

• Goal not to rattle of my resume, but let someone share a bit of who they are

• Don't suck the fun by trying to have deep conversations

16:50 min AUDIOGRAM

• not of variety on dating apps

• Try to think one level deeper when answer

• Leave the door cracked for more

• At our core we just want to be seen understood, and noticed

• Connect on a deeper level on the date

19:20 min

• Acknowledge the power of your story, there's power there

• Learning how to small talk, dead end questions vs open questions

• Giving your date a round of dialogue, make space for your conversation to go somewhere

22:10

• Where has curiosity lead J ?

• Give yourself permission to not write someone off right away

• Female and male experiences are very different

25:00 min

• a women has usually gone through a lot of men and choose you

• Not looking at people as disposable, these are real people

• Out of all of the potential humans, they're here with me

• Even though Aaron wants to pick a bone with the app, it's still easy for everyone to make it about yourself

27:40 min AUDIOGRAM

• the point is not hurry up and find a partner, it's to be present and really get to know someone

• As soon as J dropped his spiritual expectations, it made it alot easier

• J had a great relationship that was good but ended

• There was a girl J dated, and he was real about not having a long term relationship,

30:40 min AUDIOGRAM

• Not making the other person do the guest work

• Communication always, simple texts, be kind

• Make communication your first love language

• Be the change you want to see in the world

32:30 min

• Meaning making machines

• Aaron's anxious attachment style

• Ghosting is a two way street

• Being honest stings for a second but is better in the long run

33:50 min AUDIOGRAM

• Knowing your worth

• Knowing your triggers and not projecting

• Just because you have trust issue doesn't mean you put your baggage on your new date

• Just because your attracted to someone, doesn't mean they're perfect

36:10 min AUDIOGRAM

• We all have limiting beliefs

• We like to go into brain entertainment, if there's no connection move on

• Normalizing the dating process

• Not staying in a crappy relationship because your afraid

37:30 min

• understanding what a false sense of security is

• J's worst dating story, tacos and margaritas

• The girl was really slow, thought she was nervous, she was stoned

• Lesson: don't show up high on your first date

40:30 min Closing

• Did you think of something you've never thought about before?

• Leave a review and let us know what you took away from this episode

You can connect with J on instagram.com/churchill.morris or on his website JMorris.co for branding and identity coaching

If you're struggling with dating, harmful relationship patterns, overthinking and dating just doesn't deliver, I'd love to have a conversation with you.

You can connect with me on instagram.com/aarontosti

Or at thekindoflove.com

This is TKOL podcast.

Thanks for listening.

I'm Aaron

Best of Love to You

In this solo-episode, Aaron talks about the 3 components to creating mindful communication in any relationship.

instagram.com/aarontosti

thekindoflove.com

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes

:25 min

What does it mean to have mindful communication ?

Had I known the communication skills that I know today, I would have had a lot more understanding, closure, and depth in my past relationships.

Not listening, not seeking to be on the same page, and creating unintentional injuries is what I wish I could recover from my past.

1:30 min

We do a lot of unawares hurtful things, many unintentional injuries. Thats what separates us.

What if we listened first. What if we understood someone else first? Instead of just hearing what they're saying, what if we understood what they were saying. And then we might also be understood.

2:30 min

Every relationship is a dance and a two way conversation.

When you assume someone isn't on your "side", on your team, or in your tribe, they could tell you something true like the sky is blue and you will still feel threatened. That's how we deal with conflict when we are in survival mode. We assume. We think that the other person is innately in our worst interest. That they are there to attack. and so we go into some kind of fight, flight, or freeze mechanism. It's a strategy to keep us safe from being unloved.

3:30 min

I was on a zoom call recently and they were asking when you're experiencing tension, and this fight flight and freeze response fires off in your brain, who do you most get triggered by out of the 4 options family, co-worker, friends, internet troll.. Do you have an answer for yourself yet? Well in the zoom meeting over 60% of the group answer family. Meaning, over 60% when it comes to speaking your mind and stating your opinion, most people feel the weight of a judgmental threat from their family. The people they should feel the most safe with, the most connect with, are feeling the most disconnected and threatened by.

4:20 min

What is happening between the people that you love most? What are you holding on to? Are you creating love with people who are closest to you? and what does that even take to create a healthy connection?

You get there by having mindful communication.

Think about communication as the ultimate love language.

You get there with Mindful listening, Mindful Questioning, and Mindful Intentions..

4:50 min

Mindful listening is seeking to understand, then being understood. That's what disarms peoples defense mechanisms. It disarms their fight or flight survival response to react out of fear, and it creates a safe space for you and the person to develop trust and attention. The other person feels seen, understood, valued, and heard, and out of natural human response, and the little mirror neurons in our brains, will most likely want to get to know you. (also a great little love hack for dates)

5:50 min

Mindful questions. Even though you may not agree. Asking mindful questions make it about getting to know that person, rather than the nervous system seeing them as a threat, or the enemy. Questions, not facts, not opinions, not convictions, not judgments, not criticism... questions. Have you ever seen people in fights ? This is why the drama escalates. No one is listening or asking questions.. Asking questions is also a way to seek to understand rather than trying to GET someone to understand you. And, most likely that will be reciprocated. When you position yourself in a curious role, your survival mode shifts to a creative mode and you're not trying to attack or defend. The fight, flight, or freeze response subsides. You begin to develop trust and have that mirrored back.

7:10 min

Mindful Intentions. This could have gone first. The other two are a little more obvious, this one hides in the shadows. Because we don't always check in with ourselves and what our motives are. This one is the most effective step, and shifts everything for the dialogue and purpose of any conversation. What are you wanting to get out of this conversation? Whats the purpose ? You have the choice to steer the conversation wherever you'd like. Setting a precedent, an intention for what you want the conversation to be about shifts everything. The practical steps here is to give yourself a minute to pause, doesn't matter where you are in the conversation, ask yourself what do I want out of this conversation? Where is this headed? You might even say out loud and at the beginning of the conversation what you want the conversation to be about. Put that out on the table for both of you and then hold yourself to it.

8:50 min

Try it the next time you feel threatened in a conversation, or you can even practice in a non-threatening conversation with someone you already feel safe with. Remind yourself by asking "Am I present and listening?" "Am I asking questions to understand ? And, "What are my intentions right now ?"

When you're willing to check back in with yourself, you always have a chance to shift the conversation where you want to go.

You can shift it from harmful to helpful.

It's all about having mindful communication.

9:30 min

Hope you enjoyed this episode of TKOL.

If you were able to reframe and had a change in perspective about how your communication is contributing to your relationships, please let me know by leaving a review in the comments.

If you are struggling with people pleasing, self-doubt, overthinking, and finding yourself chasing harmful relationship patterns. Let me know how I can be a support to you.

You can connect and direct message me on instagram @aarontosti or find some helpful resources at thekindoflove.com

You've been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I'm Aaron.

Best of Love to you

In this episode, Aaron talks with Artist Coach, Nik Cherwink about how to take on healthy masculinity and vulnerability in life and relationships.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/aarontosti

instagram.com/nikcherwink

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes

:23 min Aaron Talks

Growing up in a culture where the phrase toxic masculinity gets thrown around a lot and where there is a need for men to redefine and reframe what healthy masculinity looks like.

We've heard things like

• Vulnerability is be weak

• Men aren't supposed to show there emotions

What do we do with emotions like anger or stress ?

Nik Cherwink is an athlete and an artist. He coaches musicians in their business and their creativity.

Reframing and Knowing that to be vulnerable is not weak, hiding is weak, and when we take the risk to share our emotions, we become grounded and create deeper connection.

• being a vulnerable strong man

• Struggling with being an artist and an athlete

• Expressing your emotions like anger without exploding and being harmful

• Our culture has no initiation for men and addressing our masculinity and we don't have a place to address that it becomes toxic

3:15 min

• Aaron's intro about the story's we tell ourselves

• What Nick is doing now, it began helping artists with their creativity and life

• Nik became intentional doing men's work

6:50 min

• Nik acknowledging that he's not there yet to coach men

• Nik wants to start making music himself

• Being an artist, athlete, and blanking the masculine and feminine

9:00 min

• Being and artist but also releasing the wild man

• Nik has struggled with two identities

• Nik was always into sports and music

• All of us are both of masculine and feminine

11:00 min

• Externally we get out of balance and that can get

• Artists get trapped in to feminine, but some times get lost in the masculine

12:00 min

• Nik's story of sports to music and rave culture

• Balancing Healthy masculinity

• Being a chronic procrastinator

• Nik's father was not being there

• Finding masculinity through sports

• Not having a place for men to get initiated

15:20 min

• How can we as guys live more healthy in the masculine

• Being vulnerable as a man

• Putting up a front is from a place of fear

• More masculine and courage to be vulnerable, let go, share your emotions and not be fake

18 min

• Acknowledge and express

• Being assertive, masculine, and sharing your feelings

• Noticing whats coming up

• Being present and not going to vices

• Have a healthy release out like like Crossfit and drumming

21:20 min

• When it comes up in relationships

• Can I express my emotions from a place of grounded-ness

• Don't blow over but also don't shove it down

• Learning how to deal with anger

• Being mad for no reason and understanding it's not from anything current happening

24 min

• Navigating your anger in a relationship without it being harmful

• Nik's story around navigated anger

• When a fight is escalating, holding boundaries, and speaking firmly in love

• Understanding that we're not going to talk in that way

27:45 min

• Feminine wants to be guided, directed, and grounded

• Establish respect for both people

29 min

• Most of this wasn't taught to Nik by his father

• Get out there and pick up some of these books

• Book: The Yay of the Superior Man

• Book: No More Mister Nice Guy

31 min

Glad you could join this conversation on TKOL Podcast.

Did you have any breakthroughs or ah-has ? Please share your feedback in the podcast review section.

If you're an artist and you'd like to get to the next level in your creativity and your career, you can connect with Nik on instagram.com/nikcherwink

If you struggling in harmful relationship partners like people pleasing, overthinking, self-doubt and you are frustrated with love you can connect with me on instagram.com/aarontosti or thekindloflove.com

Thanks for listening to TKOL Podcast.

I'm Aaron

Best of Love to you

In this solo-episode, Aaron shares his story of struggles after a break up, and how he recovered by observing his thoughts and being kind to his nervous system.

instagram.com/aarontosti

thekindoflove.com

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes

23 min Aaron Talks

• What do you mean hug your thoughts and befriending your nervous system?

• It was a conclusion I came to after being in therapy.

• I was repeating myself, it was a form of trauma

• I began observing the thoughts, emotion, and stress I was in

2:00 min

• Catastrophizing your relationship. Making it worst in my brain and thoughts.

• I was in a roller coaster relationship

• Be careful when self-diagnosing

• I was getting triggered in my environment

• There wasn't a real relationship

3:45 min Not Beating Yourself Up

• I was should-ing all over myself

• It's not your fault, its how you where programed to be in a relationship

• Not taking you or your partner personally

• I began to have compassion for myself

• Notice your thoughts and detach from them

5 min

• Romanticizing the good parts after a break up

• Being in denial and living in a fantasy. You're not accepting the entire picture

• Continuing to go down harmful thought patterns

• Every relationship is a two way conversation and a dance, are you in sync ?

6:15 min

• Hard time to moving on

• We get attached and even addicted to the stories we tell ourselves

• Feel like you're still in the relationship by re-traumatizing yourself

• beating yourself is a dysfunctional way to stay safe, but actually a survival mechanism

• I was on a loop, like a song on repeat

7:50 min

• Had to Heal my thoughts and your nervous system and see how they are connected

• Every time I was triggered, the emotion put be back in the loop again

• Why would I put us through a roller coaster relationship ?

• What about you is causing the hurt ?

• We don't consciously try to destroy a relationship or try to harm it

9:10 min

• My ex had forgiven me, but I hadn't forgiven myself

• You have to have empathy and compassion towards yourself

• You have to hug and be kind to yourself to move on

• We get addicted to the high and low

• Only way to break free from a relationship is to love yourself

• Had to tame your inner critic, and see yourself for who you are

• Un-forgiveness is a trap

10:45 min

• We want to protect ourselves and stay safe

• Whats happening on a conscious but also an unconscious level

• Stick instead of a snake, not seeing behavior as a treat

• Just a story keeping you in a pain loop

12 min

• Befriend your nervous system

• Hugging your thoughts

• Slow down, pause and observe whats going on for you

• We typically go into relationships and experience similar behaviors, and see our partners as a threat

• See Your partner as a gift to learn more rather than a threat

• Understand what the trigger is for you

• It's not always a threat

14 min

• We are meaning making machines, it's how we interpret a situation

• Having compassion for your thoughts

• How would you love a bully

• If you're constantly living in a story that's causing pain, ask if its true or not

• Stop attaching an identity to you thoughts

• Observe your thoughts and emotions

• Take your nervous system out for a walk

16:30 closing thoughts

If you're struggling in harmful relationship patterns and finding your self-worth, you can connect with me on instagram @aarontosti or thekindoflove.com

Thanks for listening to TKOL podcast.

I'm Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

In this episode, Aaron talks with Ben Steinbacher about growing your business and relationships from a place of authenticity.

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes

:23 min

Aaron Talks

We're going to turn the corner from the normal conversations I typically have about healing yourself or having a better relationship within, getting over harmful relationship patterns, and I just wanted to share some of my path and journey.

I was getting super frustrated with growing a business. And I this episode is probably the most important thing that not a lot of people talk about in a growth mindset.

Whether thats a growth mindset in your business or your relationships. And that most important thing is authenticity. Authenticity breeds vulnerability and requires courage. People respond to your authenticity. They don't respond to a copied message in your instagram direct message. They connect with relationship.

So for me, I was answer the question "how do I build my coaching business off of relationships and have a real honest connection with people. I want people to feel seen heard and understood, and hopefully want to work with me.

Thats when I met Ben Steinbacher and he exuded exactly what I was looking for. With these other business growing programs I learned somethings. I learned how to build a better website and how to write copy a little better. But there's a connection peace with every, and that is authenticity.

I got a chance to work with Ben and on this particular episode we talk about some struggles that we all face whether we're a growth mindset about relationships or about business.

It really comes down to stretching yourself and learning the lesson. Proving to yourself that you can do the thing that you want to do. Many of us have a fear of rejection and so how do we overcome that fear of rejection ? That will not only show up in our partnerships but in our business.

Ultimately we all want to be loved. If we're coming from a place of wanting to be loved, approved, and validated from our achievements, that can get get unhealthy.

So I invited Ben to come talk with me about growth from an authentic place.

3:10 min Ben traveling to LA

• traveling as a human and coaching yourself first

• Not leading a small life

• Not as logical and believing God is leading me

6:20 Ben's lesson

• Not living by the worst case scenarios

• 70% of our lives is being controlled by our fears and looking other possibilities

• different scenarios same person

8:00 min Stretching Yourself

• Lets put you Africa, a see if you're a different person

• We're all growing and changing

• Proving yourself to yourself

• More trust and confidence in yourself

11:00 min Be in a big gym Stretch each other

• A culture of Celebrating yourself

• Focus on the process rather than the result

• playing the game to grow

• Your less likely to engage in the process if you continue

13:00 min How do you show up for the process ?

• There's no book thats simply read and find a partner

• Whatever you focus on grows

15:30 min

• The hardest lessons are the ones that grow you the most

• The lesson of rejection

17:00 min Dating and Coaching

• The power of overcoming rejection

• Coaching is a very intimate relationship

• Coaching divorced parents

• Being ok when others don't want what you want

21:40 min Slaying the Giants in Life

• Why Ben calls himself an authentic coach

• What does it take to slay a Giant

• Most people don't know who they are

• People trying to do the same thing, just to be love

24:40 min Performing to be Liked

• Beens ben and done things just to be liked

• Had dream jobs and because he didn't address his wound, it still wasn't enough

• It will never be enough if you look for outward achievements to validate yourself

28:00 min Connecting Authentically

• Ben's practices for connecting authentically

• Being real about what you like

• Holding people to their highest potential

• Being clear on what you wanted to do well

31:30 min Building Relationships and Adding Value

• Aaron's take away from working with Ben

• All of the things

• Getting down to the context and the way

• Social media and biz strategies come and go, but being authentic wins

34:30 min Ben's legacy

• Leaders create leaders

• Believing in others first

• Helping others bring their goals to life

36:20 min

• Aaron was inspired to be a bad ass heart centered coach

• Owning your authenticity

• Love is bigger than money

37:40 min Aaron Closes

Thanks for being apart of this conversation with ben and I about authenticity in business and relationships. How you do anything is how you do everything.

Please feel free to share anything that was an "ah-ha" or breakthrough moment in the review section. It helps me know what better things to provide.

If you want to connect with ben cause you're a coach and you want to lean into being more leadership and being more authentic in growing your business. Maybe you are looking at getting past some overthinking and owning your self worth. You can find Ben on instagram @bensteinbacher

If you feel stuck in relationship patterns you're welcome to connect with me @aarontosti on instagram or thekindoflove.com

I help peopFear, Codependent, divorce, Ideas, Men, business, Relationship, authenticity, growth, mindset, feelings, healing, marriage, recovery, selflove, selfworth, trauma, truth, womenle with codependent patterns like people pleasing, overthinking, and chasing harmful relationship patterns.

If you want someone to talk to feel free to hit me up, direct message me. I'd love to talk with you.

You've been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I'm Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

In this solo-episode, Aaron talks about why you might people please and how to have better regard for yourself.

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/aarontosti

Show Notes

:23 min

Why do you think you people please? Why do you think anyone people pleases?

Do you people please? Do you say yes because you're going to get acceptance or approval? Or win someone over by saying yes ?

Maybe you might get judged for saying "no".

I've been an over committer for most of my life, and I would say yes to just anyone. I would say yes to any party, get together invite just to say yes to all of my friends and show up.

I remember showing up to parties for like and hour, and saying I have to go. Then I really never enjoyed the evening with anyone person because I was bouncing around to 3-4 different places just to show face and not spend any quality time.

I thought I had to be everything to everyone. That doesn't sound exhausting does it?

I would say yes to helping someone right when I'm in the middle of doing good work.

2 min

When you people please you are signing an invisible contract.

The invisible contract that says now that I lowered my standards to meet your needs instead of mine, we both agree to treat me this way from now on.

And we do this unintentionally, invisibly, and unconsciously at first.

What's helpful to ask yourself is, "what do I get out of making this person happy by not acknowledging and neglecting myself?"

We all want to be loved, so I don't blame anyone for wanting to be love.

3:30 min

The thing is just how we go about trying to get our needs met.

People pleasing is a strategy on it's own to get and instant gratification, not our actual needs met.

It's a way to get the like, get someone to see your value in the moment, but sacrificing your time, energy, value, spreading yourself thin and not actually accomplishing much.

You become boundaries and spiral out of control, meeting the needs of everyone else, and teaching them that it's ok to call on you and be at their beck and call, instead of address what you need to take care of in that moment.

4:20 min

The antidote is checking in with yourself and listening to your intuition in the moment when your people pleasing skills are being needed, and asking would this be harmful or helpful for me?

What am I teaching this person in this moment?

What am I training myself to do right now?

Whats in my best interest?

Am I neglecting my needs for the greater good? Or am I needing to be liked, approved of, accepted and loved?

It's challenging in those moments to slow down and pause to acknowledge yourself, because you've trained yourself for so long to auto response and please others.

5:20 min

It's time to pause and rethink your response. Reframe the story going on in your head. And choose a response that would be helpful and not harmful… to yourself.

Is the need they have urgent? Can it wait? Can anyone else take care of that need? Can they take care of that need themselves?

You don't always have to be at everyone's beck and call.

I had a wise friend once say, "never do something for someone else that they can do for themselves."

Only do things for others that they can't do themselves.

Ultimately you have to find your own self worth. And when you take one loving step with yourself, one kind step at a time, you begin to find your own self worth. These people pleasing responses will melt away.

6:15 min

Thank you so much for listening to TKOL podcast!

Was this helpful? What other questions do you have about being "people pleasy"?

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a review and let me know how you enjoyed this episode.

If you're struggling with Harmful relationship Patterns. You're feeling people Pleasy, Overthinking the Relationship, maybe you have an anxious attachment style… I'd love to connect with you and see if I can be of support!

You can connect with me on Instagram @aarontosti or you can visit the website thekindoflove.com

Thank you so much for listening to TKOL podcast.

I'm Aaron.

Best of love to you!

In this episode, Aaron talks with Nick Flora about what to expect after taking healthy pause on your relationship.

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/aarontosti

Show Notes

:25 min

Aaron Talks

Welcome back to part 2 of loving your partner by taking a PAUSE. No we're turning the conversation over to what to expect after you take to pause in your relationship.

Taking a pause can be an act of love. It's setting aside time to grow yourself and understand what you want and what you need in the relationship so you can potentially come back together and love yourselves better and each other better.

There's not necessarily any guarantees in life. You have to be ok with mutually growing separately. Sometimes we hear the phrase "pause" and we think "break up". We might see it as a threat. We can see it as the other person rejecting or abandoning us. Maybe its not about that. Maybe its about growing and learning your attachment style and leaning more into love.

Sometimes it takes separating yourself in the relationship to really examine yourself. Sometimes you can really look through and examine yourselves together.

Only you really know that answer. Its a challenging place, but you can do it in a healing way. It doesn't always have to propel us back into a harmful relationship pattern.

It's more about making a mutual agreement and be on the same page to spend sometimes apart. Know that you love each other, but this is about growth from within.

Here is my remind Nick Flora, also a self-development coach. I ask him about the dynamic of the Pause he's taking in his relationship right now, and what he expects after…

2:55 min

• What does Nick want the outcome of all the examining of self

• Nick was raise with Jesus, others, you… but it's ok to by yourself

5 min

• The story we tell ourself about "what the no means"

• How do you interpret the no and the yes in a relationship

6:10 min

• You can be kind and direct at the same time

• Whats the mutual agreement ? Are you nursing back your relationship?

8:20 min

• Everything is mindful in Nick's relationship with his former girlfriend

• The trouble zone is the invisible agreements you make

• It gets tricky when you want to dream again with your partner when you're separated

11:20 min

• When does it turn sexy again ? There's a special

• You're looking for intimacy when you're looking for sex

• You have to shed a bunch of ego to be healthy with sex

• There's ways to process with out having to go to the other person to get closer

14:50 min

• Your ex can be gift if you see them that way

• Can you not see a break or a pause as a threat ?

• Pausing the relationship but also pausing in the moment

16:20 min

• projecting insecurities that end up becoming true

• Nick has an anxious attachment style

• Being alone is just neutral

• Put "the gun" down

• We don't have to pull from our past and stop with the generalities

20:30 min

• Their stories are their stories, detachment

• Not everything is love or hate, it can be neutral. Is it a love or a hate interpretation

• Projecting your future based on your past is harmful

22:30 min

• Nick is optimistic

• Hope isn't expecting. High hope low expectation

24 min

• The way Nick helps his former girl is staying out of her way

• Marriage isn't always security

• Right now its a great friendship that grows where it needs to grow

25:30 min

Aaron Talk

Thanks for listening. Did anything hit you or pop out at you? Are you thinking about reframing yourself, your life or your relationships ? Are you thinking about looking at your life through a different lens? Maybe talking a PAUSE?

If you had any ah-ha's or takeaways I'd love to hear about them in the reviews of this podcast.

If you've found yourself stuck in harmful relationship patterns, maybe you've found yourself being co-dependent. Maybe you over think, maybe you self-doubt, maybe you people please. If this sounds like you I'd love to connect.

You can go to thekindoflove.com or you can find my on instagram @Aarontosti

If you want to connect more with Nick you can find him on instagram @NickFlora

Thanks for listening.

I'm Aaron,

Best of Love to you.

In this episode, Aaron talks with Nick Flora about a healthy approach to taking a pause in your relationship to do more self-development.

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES

:25 min

Aaron Talks

How do you know if you need a pause in your relationship ? How do you know if loving your partner in the relationship means spending some time and space apart from each other and redefine your boundaries and who YOU are.

Do you need a deeper sense of awareness or self development to continue in a relationship. Only you really know that answer.

I brought my friend and fellow coach Nick Flora to talk about that very thing. Can taking a PAUSE, which is different than a break up, to become aware of how you operate and function in the relationship, so that you can heal.

Is that possible ? Is that loving your partner? Is that loving yourself? Maybe those two things are simultaneous.

How do you navigate this? How do you know whether or not this is a threat ?

Often we get to this place where start to not like things about our partner, or find ourselves in harmful relationship patterns resurfacing. Maybe You've started to acknowledge that you are the common denominator in your relationship.

Either you or your partner might say, "we need to take a pause or a break." Not break up, but just pause. How do we not see that as a threat?

It can be a loving act to want to better yourself, rethink yourself, or reframe the internal narrative happening in your mind so that you're more of a content healed person moving forward.

Nick is in the middle of a pause in his relationship. He and his former partner are self-development coaches. I thought it would be interesting to sit down with Nick to talk about this, and what it looks like. How to love yourself and your partner during this time and grow.

Can you still stay connected with that person and create more of a bond, rather than just going in the roller coaster cycle that we often find ourselves in.

Discover your attachment style. Discover what your wants and needs are. And can you give yourself that thing you want or need? Can you be less codependent that way, by giving what you want and need to yourself?

I've got some questions for Nick. We'll let the conversation go from there.

4min

• Musician to coaches and doing both
• Brains and barking dogs
• I'll pray for you and being "eye rolley"

10 min

• How nick and Aaron met
• The key that links to what everyone has in common
• Shipwreck the podcast
• Back and forth with relationships

13 min

• stay stuck in the pattern cause it's familiar
• Nick and his former partner were both self development coaches with similar story and named Ship wrecked

15 minutes

• Like getting our hearts broken over celeb couples

16 minutes audiogram

• Codependency
• Let's just take a pause and the binary world

18 min

• Nick just wants to be chosen
• The difference between pausing in the moment and actually taking a pause

19:30 min

• The basis is friendship and the misconception

21 min

• Figuring out what works between Nick and his former girlfriend
• Texting is making us communicate more, looking at it from an accurate lens

23 min

• Why the pause?
• Guilt, shame, deconstructing religion, started the path of deconstruct relationships

25:30 min

• Who am I when I'm alone ? Connection to self-worth

26:30

• Loving your partner enough to take a pause
• Practice being the best version of me while pausing. Its like the house analogy

30 min

• Being friends with everyone is not knowing yourself
• Shifting your intentions in the moment

32 min

• Oxygen in the relationship to let it breathe
• Spending intentional time with yourself
• practice being alone

33:50 min

• Being the observer of yourself and befriending yourself
• Not everything in life is threat to me and who I am

37 min

• Learning to parent yourself
• Ultimate freedom matched with maturity is knowing how to love yourself
• Intention matches the outcome

40 min

• Chasing or avoiding intimacy
• What are your harmful patterns?

40:30 min

Aaron Talks

Hey there! Did you get any golden nuggets, wisdom, or knowledge in there. Anything thing that you rethought about yourself? Let me know by giving a review of this podcast.

We continue this conversation on the next episode. Nick and I talk about what to expect after a relationship?

My mantra is best intentions low attachment. So what can expect from a pause? If you want to connect with Nick Flora you can find him on instagram @nickflora

Thanks for listening.

I'm Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Links:

thekindoflove.com

EllaLight.com

IG: @aarontosti

In this episode, Aaron talks with Breathe healer Ella Light about how to create more love and less stress in your life simply by using your breath.

Show Notes

:25 min

Aaron's Talks

Welcome back. Are you suffering from challenging moments and traumatic moments that are being you out of the present moment ?

In my pursuit of what love is, and coming to a mutual understanding of how love looks and actually shows up. The questions I had opened up other conversations into other aspects of not only the mind, but the body and spirit.

Understanding that we have the ability to respond, to choose. That's a power we don't think about enough. And even though challenging situations and traumas come up, though we may be in a mental state of fear, we can shift that to a mental state of love. And it's not just about the mind, it's about the body and spirit. Our breathe is the connection point. It's the glue that keeps our body, mind and spirit connected.

Breathe is known as life force. How we use it can bring us into the present moment and be the catalyst for changing our response from fear to love.

To open this conversation and help us understand how breathe and love work, I've asked my friend Ella to help us understand how we can live and love better, by simply using a tools we all have.. our breathe.

Ella Light is a Breath healer.

3 min

Just take a breath and set an intention.

How breathe and love work. Ella holds space, and that's her love super power.

4 min

How Ella's process works. How she holds space and a place of love where her clients can feel relaxed and release what doesn't serve them.

Ella embodies a sense of openness.

6:30 min

Breathe is the link to our nervous system. It governs all of the vital organs. Our nervous system get overstimulated.

8:10 min

Aaron had a session with Ella. He set an intention to heal from his past relationship trauma. At the end of the session he was able to hold compassion for himself.

10:10 min

To the degree that you experience a trauma is to the degree that you need to love yourself.

Breathe has its own intelligence. You get out of the mind and in your body.

We are all our own healers.

12:10 min

Breathe is so powerful. Most of us don't think about breathing. Our respiratory system is the only system we can go from automatic to manual drive.

13:40 min

Aaron talks about the involuntary program that we're running.

You actually have control of how you respond to somebody.

15 min

Aaron asks Ella how you can be on the same page with somebody with your breathe.

How do you create a loving response with your breathe?

16 min

We live in a mind centric culture. The breathe brings the mind back into the body. It brings awareness to the moment.

We're fractured humans. Breathe brings us into the present.

17:30 min

When you get present with breathe, there's new information that shows up.

Breathe brings the "ah-ha" moment.

Breathe gives you intuition.

What am I contributing to this relationship ? Is the intention harmful or helpful ? Draw us together or separate us ?

20:30

Your nervous system has been hijacked by a trauma. So you're in fight, flight or freeze. Only way to get out is to PAUSE and take a breathe.

This isn't honoring to partner or yourself, but when you breathe there's

21:50 min

Ella says, Breathe is love. It's our fuel. It's our life force. It's all connected.

I'm loving myself just by breathing alone.

23 min

Now you can respond, before it was just a knee-jerk reaction.

The quality of your breathe, will effect the quality of your outer experience.

Proper way to breathe is down in your belly.

90% of humans aren't breathing properly.

27 min

Breathing properly creates entrainment. You can feel the fear of someone who is in trauma.

You can entrain down to a heavier experience. The stronger energy is going to win.

29 min

Knowing you have the power to change in the moment. Validate your emotions and where youre at.

That's the empowering step. Not getting entrained in someone's BS. I can make this worse or make it better.

33:45 min

We're now at home a lot and we have all of this time to learn how to breathe.

Not knowing how to breathe properly is causing stress.

You can shift you're entire day just by knowing how to breathe properly.

Pause, accept the emotion.

32:30 min

Ella is going to give us a Breathe work practice !

Make your exhale longer than our inhale. It signals to our body that your safe, and switches the body over to rest and digest.

Calming panic attacks.

36:30 min

Ella STARTS the Breathe-work practice !!

Close eyes, inhale through nose for 4 counts, hold for a moment, exhale for 6 counts. Repeat 4-5 times.

41 min

Aaron talks about his nervous system calming. Like coals cooling from a fire.

Ella starts to feel more of herself coming online. We've brought the mind home to the body. Now there's a new awareness. A sense of peace and calm.

Aaron says, now he feels like it's all good.

42:50 min

You can also use the breathe to pump yourself up. Maybe we'll talk about it in another.

Ella has more access to self love with breathe.

44:00 min

Love start for Aaron like a blue sky. The sense of expansion.

Love wants to expand, hate wants to contract and control.

45 min

Closing talk

Thanks for listening. Are you breathing the way you want to love in your life?

If you want to connect with Ella, you can find her on Instagram @iamellalight or her website ellalight.com

If you're looking to create more love in your life and shift your patterns from harmful to helpful. I invite you to connect with me at thekindoflove.com

Id love to support you.

Thanks so much for listening to TKOL podcast.

Im Aaron.

Best of love to you.

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

In this episode, Aaron talks with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a therapy informed Intuitive & Spiritual Mentor, who tells her story of being humanized again after choosing sobriety. Show Notes

00:24 min

Aaron Talks

Hey, welcome back. Here we go. This is the thing. Have you struggled with coping mechanisms to just get by in life. Have you been able to a way out of that coping mechanism into a state of empowerment and choice? Have you validated yourself to step through the hardships and the pain that life has.

My cousin Tracy-Rose has been so kind as to join for the last two episodes. Hopefully you caught the first one. This is part two where we're going to hear more about her story. She Overcame a moment when she had a choice to continue to suffer and continue to feel isolated and go back to harmful patterns. But, She choose differently.

Tracy is a therapy informed intuitive mentor. I love her story because we talk about the low moments when we are on the verge of being small, feeling insignificant and going back to old patterns that reinforce the belief that we're small. It puts us in a victim state. But we always have a choice to make things better.

Often we get comfortable in the chaos of our life. It's a survival mode. And that becomes the norm. It's interesting that in Tracy's story she learned to live in the chaos, to where living in peace was uncomfortable.

So here we go, a conversation between two cousins talking about loving yourself better, being empowered to make a choice, to authenticate yourself, and learn from your experiences.

2:40 min

• Tracy feels uncomfortable with peace

• Being the perpetuator of the wound and having Peter Pan syndrome

• If it was healthy Tracy didn't want. Tracy didn't know how to trust peace.

• breaking down to break through

• Tracy was facing going to prison and that was going to be her life

• Spiritual awaking, surrendering to death or surrendering to life.

• In Jail you loose your identity you become a number

6:45 min

• Tracy spent 3 months in county jail, cried and wrote letters to people she hurt

• Jail was a big mirror

• Standing in front of the judge Tracy said, "Just give me the time." And by some form of her higher, humble self asked, "Don't you rehabilitate."

9:10 min

• going through hoops

• Tracy wanted out of torture, despair, suicidal ideation.

10:25 min

• Tracy grew up with the idea that "Rehab is for sissies"

• Woman's meeting at rehab Tracy felt humanized again

• Life is bittersweet

13:45 min

• choosing to fight for yourself instead of against yourself

• Loving yourself just happened for Tracy in the last couple of years

• Not getting into the shame spiral

• Punishing yourself for trying to survive

16:00 min

• Tracy arrived at "whatever is meant for me, will be for me."

• Living in uncertainty

• Lesson of intuitively knowing how to handle situations

• Lesson 2 is learning to live with unresolved issues

18:25 min

• We're an impatient society, needing to be validated externally

• the only one who can authentic and validate yourself is you

• Parents and Caregivers are just doing their best

20:25 min

• Tracy talks about creating a safe place for her son to feel all of his emotions

• It takes knowing all your emotions first, children can be beautiful mirrors walking around

22:20 min

• learning to not project

• Aaron talks about neglecting vital things like water

• learning to detach, non attachment

• Attachment styles, put down what your doing and go learn yourself

25:25 min

• neglecting avoiding self

• Primary core wounds

• Self-punishment, & shame spiral

• Can i just be with myself right now

• The power of being alone. Are we ever alone if we have ourselves ?

• opening questions about God

27:35 the humble / confident place

• Authenticity is a journey

• appreciate you seeing what i see in myself, the also

• And also, Compliments are humanizing, it doesn't fill a lack, it adds

31:00 min

• compliments can be toxic, like

• Other people's Words are spells

• The unhealthy receiving a compliment,

• Salve of the Circle, i needed to someone else could make it so that i know that i can make it through

34:20 min

• Community is necessary "I need to know you made it through it

• the elder reaching back to you reaching back to a child

• Finding safety with women

38:45 min Aaron Talks

Hey thanks so much for listening in TKOL podcast. I'd love it if you would leave a review. Did you Connect with this podcast episode did you connect with Tracy's story ? Have you been stuck in a pattern and needed to make a different choice, an empowered choice?

If you've been struggling in harmful relationship patterns and you're looking for a coach to help you move past and future in your life I'd love to connect with you you go to thekindoflove.com or you can follow me on Instagram and direct message me @aarontosti

You could also connect with Tracy-Rose, @salveofthecircle on Instagram.

Often times it's trusting someone with your story. It's letting someone hold a space or the container or the room for you to really hear you and what's going on in your life. That can be so transformational. Feel free to reach out to either one of us.

Thank you again for listening to TKOL Podcast.

I'm Aaron. Best of love to you.