The Kind of Love

In this episode Aaron talks with friend and Sound Guide Ann Sensing about how to have self-love practices using sound.

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes

:29 sec

Aaron Talks

Hey everyone, what you're hearing is the Sounds of healing. Have you ever felt frustrated within about your life and about your relationships and wondered how it's all connected ?

It seems there's a common theme or thread when something just isn't right. That though everything on the outside looks good, what's happening from within is a different story.

In this episode we're going to talk with my friend Ann Sensing. She's a sound healer and sound meditation guide. Her story was pretty familiar, in that, though things looked good on the outside, there's still not a satisfaction from within.

She stumbled upon sound meditation. Some call it a sound bath, where we can slow down enough to hear ourselves and understand whats going on and to understand what are truth is on the inside.

I believe that how we do anything is how we do everything. When we have an unhealthy relationship with someone or something, like maybe it's our diet, maybe its our partner, or maybe it's a family member. That's really about our relationship with ourselves. Even though things look good on the outside, we're still struggling from within.

The first step is always acknowledging where you're at. Becoming aware means you have to look on the inside. You have to get honest with yourself to understand what your frustration and your pain is. or why the pattern you're in keeps continuing. We have to investigate what's going on. We have to connect the dots. What's that truth about for yourself ?

What does it look like to get past the discomfort and live through a new experience ?

In this episode we talk about sound and instruments. We talk about the instrument that everyone has built in, their voice.

I believe that to be loved is to be seen to be known and to be heard. If we're not hearing ourselves, if we're not listening form within. If we don't know our own voice, how can we show up in a relationship with somebody else ?

We're all looking for freedom within ourselves to feel like we are who we are and to identify our truest self.

How can we tune ourselves to the frequency of who we are ?

What I like about sound meditation is that it's about learning to pause, slow down, and really listen to what our body is telling us.

We put a lot of expectations on our relationships and we put a lot of expectation on ourselves. It seems like the more we put expectations on ourselves, the worse the outcome.

Sound can give you that space to slowdown and drop all those expectations and expose the truth of what's going on for you. True self-love is acknowledging yourself.

Find a practice. Something you can do, that anchors you and helps you get back to center with yourself.

How can you love yourself enough to slow down. Top your Xanax prescription, and find a healthy, wholistic way to heal from your wounds.

Let me introduce my good friend and sound guide, Ann Sensing.

3 min

Ann and Aaron banter before introduction

3:55 min

How Ann and Aaron met and modality joking. We're medium high spiritual.

Ann's going to be on another planet and sound love.

Using the sound of your voice to heal and own your emotions

6:00 min

What sparked sound meditation for Ann?

Yoga was saving mental health. Quit job and got certified as a yoga instructor.

8:00 min

Wanted to dive more into meditation and found sound meditation. Music had always been healing. Found a center with sound and meditation.

8:40 min

Yoga was the "gateway drug" for Ann.

9:30 min

What was the moment where you saw the difference and shifted to sound meditation.

Ann wasn't in a healthy relationship with a lot of different aspects. Original ah ha moment was really acknowledging how I was feeling. Stopped Trying to satisfy with the external world.

11:50 min

What did external look like vs internally ?

Externally looked perfect. Nice heels. Looked easy and organized.

Internally she was so depressed. She didn't feel like herself. Overtime it got to Ann.

13:45 min

Aaron said you had dissonance.

What did Ann want in those struggling moments ? Things that had money value lessened. It was not filling her cup.

15:00 min

Started dating meditation and fell in self love. Ann was starting to fall in self-love.

Lots of discomfort upfront. 5-6 month training.

16:00 min

Exploring your voice in the discomfort.

17 min

Felt like a different person at the end. Reclaiming your identity.

17:50 min

Gibberish voice practice.

19:00 min

Holding space. personal freedom of identity

Voice is one of the major things we identify with. Throat chakra.

The voice is like a bridge between your heart ond brain.

Its like a metaphysical bridge

21 min

classic butterfly analogy

Ann has to constantly be in practice. Daily practices. Keeping your vocal path clear.

22:30 min

Break to shruti box. And the daily self love practice to notice and be aware of your voice. You're relaxing your blood vessel.

Like little self love hacks. Voice is an instrument.

Tap into what you're feeling. Ann has numbed so much. You can find the emotion in your voice.

Ask yourself what the emotion is

24:55 min

Relationships using the sound of your voice. Instead of attacking with words. Pause stop the argument. Let out the sound out. There's something's that words can't identify. When you name and identify, you regret what you say.

26:00 min

Give yourself space and time. Not getting mad at your partner and own your emotions with sound.

Sound is therapeutic.

27:40 min

The ways that the instruments effect the mind and body. .

Aaron remembers the names.

How can the instruments slowly heal us?

29:00 min

Sound bath is a form of meditation. Bathing in the vibrations of these sounds. Learning to slow down and rest. Learning to pause and listen. You are in collaboration with the instruments. The more open and receptive of it.

Come in with a beginners mind, and you are more open o the experience. You get so much more.

The instruments are all rich with overtone.

The body can entrain in the frequency of the over tones of the sound. The fundamentals of frequency is that everything is moving. The body is intelligent. Our bodies are aligning to the wave of sound.

We're always looking to be in the highest vibration that you can.

Parasympathetic nervous system is being turned on and we are relaxing.

33:25 min

The meditative states. Theta, delta, and alpha

Be open to being cool. Just think about being cool. Experiment being cool.

35 min

What might you expect feeling at the end of a sound meditation.

There is no expectation. If you think you're going to feel zen, you might not. Your experience is your own.

"My state of calm might be someone else's anxiety."

37:40 min

Relaxation response kicked in. Get out of fight flight or hide. You're there for a reason. More than likely relax and be away from your phone.

You want to be calmer at the end. But if you put an expectation then it might backfire.

You don't want it to be something that you achieve or bypass.

If you feel bad after a sound bath, Ann might congratulate you that something is moving.

40 min

Hypothetical, break up or fight. Continually experiencing struggling with resistance in a relationship. What would the result of going to a sound meditation might help.

Anything where we are being present. It brings more light to what's happening with you.

We heal together. Or you can have an instrument at home. Guided meditation typically has the breath as the focus.

42:33 min

Hearing the sounds of Ann Sensing.

The fear of the "woo woo". What do we do to acknowledge that sound meditation is a real thing and supports you in a self love practice.

44 min - normalizing

It can be intimidating. "Lay down and get vulnerable" putting it out in a non threatening. Being open to those possibilities. Not a traditional role for Ann.

How can I reach people in a safe non threatening way.

It's good to have the science.

It's a good baseline. It helps our society.

47:00 min

Aaron's agenda behind the agenda is how do we let go of Xanax. How can we holistically heal?

Loving yourself enough to slow down and take the time to be present in your life.

Yell in your morning.

How worthy do we feel of giving it to ourselves. Spreading it and sharing it.

48:50 min

We don't always know what our internal struggle is.

Be open to being cool. You got to get grounded. What does the healthy version of you look like ?

50 min

Aaron Talks

Hey thanks for listening if you'd like to connect with Ann Sensing you can go to magniliameditation.com She has some cool guides on how to have a better home meditation with sound.

You can check out the album we recorded here on Spotify. Look under Ann Sensing.

This episode is brought to you by me, I'm a personal coach helping you to have a better relationship within yourself. You can connect with me at theKindofLove.com

I'm Aaron Tosti.

Best of love to you.

You can also connect with Ann on instagram @ann.sensing or @nashvillemeditation

Ann's Album

https://open.spotify.com/album/7shHbAAvRr8UJAnACuobRd?si=IXV3RKN0RUuifrGImWPjSQ

Aaron shares a story about his friend Sam who always said to him, "Make peace with Reality" and how to face the fear of the unknown. Show Script

30 sec

Making peace with reality and stepping into the unknown places in life.

It's the scariest thing on the planet to be in the unknown.

We Experiencing a lot of different deaths in life. Sometimes that's a relationship. Sometimes a job. Something has come to an end and it's time for something else.

Are you in a circumstance right now thats coming to and end and it's time to step into something new?

1:12

I'd like to tell you about my friend Sam.

For most of his adult life Sam brought joy to people. His passion was bring joy to people for a living.

1:30

I met him for the first time at my school and he sang for all of the kids in the junior high.

Sam always had the biggest smile. You could see that there was just something else about him. He was a musician and so was I. Even though he was in his 50, over time Sam and I became friends.

I always looked up to Sam. I was a touring musician and new that that there was different ways to be a musician.

1:50 min

I knew there was different ways to be a musician. Sam chose to bring joy to people. He went to hospitals and nursing homes, and sang to people.

There was a day I joined him. It was quite the experience to go and see people who had terminal illnesses, and watch him bring joy to people who were in these states.

2:30 min

Sam was like a really solid friend, not just to me, but to everyone. He also mentored me and our conversation.

We talked about life and relationships. We would look at different people's lives. I would ask him questions.

2:50 min

One of the greatest things he told me about religion and it also applies to relationships... and he would always have quirky analogies.. He said that life for a lot of people and their relationship with God is like owning a toaster. You can buy the nicest toaster there is, shiny with all the settings. You can buy the freshest bread. But if you don't plug it in, you're not getting any toast.

I sat back and laughed. But I think that's true about not only our spiritual relationship but our relationship with other people.

3:25

We would talk about other people in our life. People that would say they want one thing, but not be able to step into that unknown place. Sam said to me, "you know they just need to make peace with reality."

I thought that sounded complacent at first. Later I realized was he was really saying. There is this resistance that happens when we don't get what we want. Or something doesn't happen the way we want to.

4:02 min

And it wasn't til much later when I had the chance to meet with Sam, and he wasn't as joyful as I once knew him. I had watched him struggle.

He and his wife had gone on vacation to his home town and unfortunately his wife got an infection that spread through her body. In a matter of weeks, she past away.

The time I saw same was the first was a deep painful cry.

4:45 min

A lot of times when a death happens and we begin to grieve, other things manifest. Sam had come down with stage 4 cancer. Not only was he morning the loss of his wife, but he was also facing death sooner than he thought.

5 min

We sat for a while and I asked Him, "Sam, how do you want to live?"

Sam responded, " I want to stick around for my kids. I have a project with my ministry I want to finish up. " there was a book being written.

He also said, " I desperately miss my wife." It's so hard loosing someone.

5:30 min

One other time I got a chance to go see Sam in California. He was on lock down in his house. He had an oxygen tank. He was pretty weak, and could only move around a little bit. We talked for a couple hours.

It seemed like that smile had come back. Towards the end of the conversation when I was about to leave, I asked him one more time, " How long do you want to live."

Sam looked me straight in the eye and said, "Either way, I'm good. I either get to go be with my wife, or I get to stay here and connect with my kids and continue my ministry. But either way I'm good."

6:15 min

And as I drove away I realized, Sam was making peace with his reality. Often we are afraid to step into the unknown. I mean what's scarier than death when you know it's around the corner ?

Sometimes we have to face hardship straight on. And we have to face ourself.

It takes a lot of confidence to step into the unknown. And that's about the most confident thing I think anyone could say, before passing away.

6:44 min

I thought about all deaths in life, not just our physical death, but the deaths that we experience, the ending and restarting of everything.

7 min

We're all just grown up tall children learning how to walk. Then we learn how to walk into our teenage years, learning how socialize and face our insecurities. And then we later have to walk into deeper relationships. We walk into jobs and then walk into careers. There's an End and a Start and we have to face these unknown moments.

I find that when we have the perspective of always learning how to step into the next unknown... that's when we begin to grow.

7:35 min

And so like Sam walking into and facing the unknown of death, when we make peace with reality we are able to face our fear. And move on into the next phase of our life.

7:50 min

When you're able to tell yourself the truth. When you're able to see and accept where your life is, and come to peace with it and what is, that's the very moment you'll be able to embrace the unknown.

8:08 min

Hope you've enjoyed this episode of the kind of love. May you find peace within your reality, so that you can step forward into the unknown.

8:22 min

This episode is brought to you by me. A personal coach. I like to meet people where they're at, and support them into the peace and freedom that they are looking for in their life. Often that's freedom from themselves, freedom from patterns that repeat and resurface.

Maybe it's time for you to step into a new place in your life.

8:45 min

If you'd like to connect with me more you can go to thekindoflove.com Please subscribe to the podcast and give me a review and let me know if the thoughts and stories are helpful for you.

Thanks so much for listening to the kind of love podcast.

I'm your coach Aaron.

Best of Love to You.

AARON TALKS WITH FRIEND AND GUEST LINDSLEY BROOKS ABOUT SEX, INTIMACY, AND WHAT HEALTHY FEMININE AND MASCULINE ENERGY LOOKS LIKE IN A CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP.

SHOW OUTLINE

:30 min

Have you ever been frustrated about patterns that continue to resurface and repeat? Either in a relationship with your yourself or with a partner? Do you want more trust and intimacy and connection with the people in your life?

We continue in this part 2 on the mind body and spirit connect conversation. I have my friend Lindsley Brooke's who is an energy healer and Intuitive Counselor.

The word toxic gets thrown around a lot in relationships. It's really about healthy or unhealthy relationship decisions that are being made, unhealthy or healthy responses. I asked Lindsley if we could look deeper into what unhealthy masculinity and femininity actually looks like. Often our culture personifies masculine only being male, or feminine energy only being female. But everyone, whatever your energy is has masculine and feminine energy.

What does that look like? How do they show up in the body ? How do we listen to our body so we respond in a healthy loving way in our relationships? Instead of a toxic or unhealthy response.

2:00 min

When you have trauma in the body that effects sexual intimacy.

Women who don't want anything to do with sex. Trauma affects your ability to be intimacy.

The very thing you need to do is to understand and access the body.

5:00 min

How do we overcome these things?

Either you're scared to get physically close with someone, OR you've had it so good with someone else, you've got PTSD that you may not ever have it that good again.

7:00 min

Common denominator is trust and context.

You're body has a wisdom and intelligence that bypasses the brain.

There was a sense of emotional safety. The same part of the brain thats connected to trauma is also connected to pleasure. What is the best case scenario to good sex. And what environment causes you to shut down.

If shut off or de-compartmentalize your body, you're shutting off the pleasure as well.

8 min

You're going to have to dig up some stuff.

What can I do to feel safe and be curious enough.

Lindsley said she didn't feel safe to talk about her emotions outside of the bedroom, so thats going to show up in the bedroom too.

8:55 min

Men want to connect through the physical.

Women want to have a emotional connection first.

Get curious on why one scenario is was good and why the other had you shut down.

It's telling you that you don't feel safe enough.

10:30 min

Aaron asks are you creating trauma when you go through a post hook up phase.

Lindsley was noting at conscious sexuality.

There are physical longing and desires.

You're intention is looking for approval or a need to feel whole. Thats self medicating. And you're using someone else body to do that.

12:25 min

Masculine and Femine Devine energy.

How do you know when you're being toxic or your partner is being toxic. How do we see toxic feminine and masculine and separate it from gender roles ?

13:50 min

Our culture is in a toxic masculine or patriarchal. Something is about out of balance.

Its not specific to gender.

Toxic masculinity is overpowering, control, war and dominant.

Toxic Feminity, is the opposite. Not having any control over yourself and being small.

15:50 min

Relationship stage is we are letting go of gender roles. The roles are shifting. Fathers get to be emotionally involved. Sometimes Female is the bread winner.

18:55 min

What does healthy masculine and feminine energy look like ?

When your anger is out of balanced.

20:50 min

Lindsly says Aaron's in his healthy feminine masculine a coach.

It's constantly happen. Emotions intuition, beauty, trust, art, the body,

intellect, holding space, speaking up is masculine.

20:50 min

Bringing more awareness to feminine and masculine energy.

23:50 min

The ego is so caught up in what it looks like.

26:30 min

Becoming more conscious about how my body works.

28 min

You're relationship and your sex is going to get better the more connect you are with your body. Breathe work, yoga, meditation are going to be great for releasing stagnant energy.

Aaron Talks with friend and guest Lindsley Brookes about understanding love traumas in the body.

If you want great music for your podcast or social content, you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.

00:26

Aaron Talks

Have you ever been frustrated with patterns within yourself or within your relationship that continue to resurface and repeat?

In this season we talk about self healing. We need to Become aware of the patterns first so we can begin to reframe our love.

This episode I've invited my good friend Lindsley Brookes to help us talk about the mind, body and spirit connection.

How do we become aware of whats happening in our body as well as whats in our mind so we can be completely mindful of everything.

Pyschology 101 has elude to us that we bring our trauma from the past into our relationship. And now we know that it plays out unconsciously. The trauma becomes trigger points and emotional buttons that get pressed. When we react to those, we create more of the love we don't want.

So where does the mind and body connection come in?

Lindsley is an Intuitive Counselor and Energy Healer. She helps us look at how we can become greater than the wounds of our past. So that we don't continue to bring them into our relationship, even if our relationship with ourselves.

2 min

Did Aaron just say Linsey ? He meant Lindsley.

Lindsley is an intuitive counselor and energy healer.

3:10 min

Lindsley talks about energy healing on in the body and in spaces.

She involves mind body and spirit in the home. And most people are not familiar with how their living space effects them on a subconscious level. Its All connected.

4:40 min

You have to address it from a wholistic background. Otherwise you're just scratching at the surface.

Aaron talks about completely removing yourself from your environment.

6:12 min

Aaron asks, if Lindsley has worked with someone where there has been a profound shift after recognizing your body when it comes to love and relationships.

Lindsley talks about being relational beings. She got into this after her own big break up.

You can't address spiritual, without addressing emotional, mind and body.

7:15 min

Trauma from childhood contributes to your relationships now. And you have to start doing your own inner work.

You start with a therapist. Lindsley said her therapy only got her so far.

She's always been fascinated in human experience.

9:24 min

She was taught that her emotions were bad and that her body had religious programming.

The kingdom of heaven is within.

10:45 min

Aaron asks if Lindsley could share what awareness she came to understanding about her body and being triggered.

Lindsley was constantly trying to fix her ex husband who was an alcoholic. Panic attacks. Felt out of control. And those were traumas being triggered in her, and she was being re-traumatized.

Betrayal, stomach issues. She new she had to address the issue.

What were these issues and triggers trying to tell her ?

12:35 min

Lindsley says, "I was in an unhealthy relationship."

What is the catalyst that wakes you up to the disfunction. We don't want to admit that the relationship is not going well.

Lindsley Bleeps her self.

Your body and your mind talking to each other. And we go into denial. Shame is a big part. But letting our mind know its ok to listen to our body.

13:52 min

There are big T and little t traumas. We have all experience trauma on some level. Trauma is when your brain is developed enough to handle it and it effects the point that can't form language yet.

My body remembers even though the brain says you should have moved on.

Big T traumas are like war, abuse, abandonment.

Little t Traumas that can be break ups, job loss, divorce. Not everybody experiences that word the same.

16:40 min

I'm not a victim there was childhood event thats being re- traumatized.

Your body doesn't know the difference between the actual event and what you're rehearsing in your mind.

18:00 Min

The first step to stepping out of your trauma is always becoming aware. Most people are unaware of this unprocessed emotion.

They don't connect the dots that when they are in an argument with their spouse that the old childhood wound is being triggered. It's still in the body and in that part of the brain that signaling the trauma.

Its probably not just about you. Then you have to PAUSE and I need to do something to create safety and move that energy out of your body. You have to trust yourself enough that its not just about your partner.

You have to be willing to look at this memory and be ok on the other side.

19:20 min

It's our survival instinct to not feel negative emotion but because we are human we have to feel all of the emotions. You have to create a container to process. Then you can do your relationship better. And so you're not governed by that trigger which is your trauma.

20:10 min

How does that look in a story of abandonment?

Maybe there parents didn't show up for them. But now they are projecting on to everyone.

It could be emotional abandonment and not having your emotions being seen.

A belief system and a subconscious program that says that I'm not safe being alone.

It's like putting a lens on your life.

22:06 min

Lindsley said her trigger was "I'm too much" My emotions are too much. My personality is too much. Its the reverse story of not enough.

Its a fear based beleif. People joke about bear goggles but this is like your FEAR goggles. It becomes a filter you put on everything.

When you go into your relationship thats what you see and your body doesn't know the difference.

23:16 min

A panic attack is usually saying your not living in a the same reality.

You bring the FEAR Goggles into everything and all your relationship.

If you're not aware of that everything start breaking down.

24:30 min

Lindsey said when she was in survival mode for so long, once her divorce happened, she got re-triggered. She had to face herself.

The fear of being too much turned into somethings wrong with me.

Why is the post divorce feeling effecting me so much? There was still so much to process.

26:00 min

Aaron Asks, "How do you start listening to your body ?"

Lindsley talks about somatic healing. To access the grief and the sadness and the pain.

Eastern Tradition. Every emotion is connect to an organ.

What can you do so you can rage in a safe environment.

With energy work, the goal is to move out the energy.

28:30 min

Any dis-ease in the body will create disease in the body.

Anything thats stagnant has no movement, what parts of your body are having sensation.

The win of listening to your body, is to not manifest a sickness or to not continue in the story.

Your body doesn't know the difference between stress and excitement.

30:05 min

Aaron talks about his hypnotherapy session.

He carries stress in his chest.

The enneagram 6 fixation is looking to be grounded.

Aaron relates is session to the end of Inside Out the Pixar film.

The human experience is learning how to hold all of the emotions at once.

Aaron felt his sadness and acknowledged that he could move forward.

Have you ever been frustrated about patterns that continue to resurface and repeat? and do you want to create a trusting intimate relationship with your partner?

This is part 2 of the mind body and spirit connect conversation I have with my friend Lindsley Brooke's who is an energy healer and Intuitive Counselor.

The word toxic gets thrown around a lot in relationships and I asked Linsley if we could look deeper into what unhealthy masculinity and femininity actually looks like. And also what Healthy masculine and feminine energy looks like.

33:20 min - Aaron Talks

Thanks for listening. My biggest take-away is feeling through your emotions. A lot of us have been taught and our survival selfs have been taught to ignore our emotions and not listen to them. And then when we react off of those emotions that we've ran from or hidden, they manifest in us or in our relationship in some other way.

So to get to to the kind of love we do want, we have to acknowledge ourselves first.

If you'd like to connect with Lindsley, you can go to LindsleyBrookes.com or look up Lindsley Brookes on any of the social media platforms.

On the next episode we'll be talking about Healthy Masculine and Femine energy as a pose to Unhealthy, Toxic masculine and feminine energy. If you're curious about how your traumas from the past is showing up and effecting your intimacy in your relationship, you'll want to listen to the next episode.

As always thanks for listening. If you are struggling with patterns that seem to resurface and repeat in your life, relationships with others, or with in yourself. Do you want to take control of how you respond in your relationship? You can connect with me at theKindofLove.com

I'm your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

If you like the music on this podcast and you're looking for music for your podcast or social content, you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF Unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.

Show Script

24 sec

Be in a great relationship with yourself first. Are the struggles in your relationship patterns about you, or about somebody else ?

This idea would have been helpful for me when I was younger. I'm looking for my other person who knows themselves really well and is open to knowing themselves well.

Nobody completes you. They support you. They come along side of you.

1:15 min

If you're struggle is being single and you're wondering why you have triggers, red flags, hang ups, and internal conflict. It's because you don't feel whole. There's a lack you feel. There's something about you that is missing.

When you feel better about yourself, confident and like you are feeling your best self, it will seem a lot easier for your partner to show up. You're not so concerned. You're not needy. You're not worried. You're not in conflict whether you're person is going to show up.

Don't give away the end. Find out what you need to feel whole and healthy again. Define who you are first. Then you can make a list of a million things of what you want in a partner. Until you know who you are you're not going to be center or clear on who you want to have in your life as your other

2:25 min

If you're in a relationship with someone and there's conflict. Your partner is just showing your inner conflict. If we can loo at ourselves and see what we can change. If we can see our partner as something of a reflection to understand ourself better. When we first fall in love we really just see and feel a reflection of who we are. So we feel better about who we are.

Overtime, if a relationship deteriorates one unloving behavior at a time, we start to to loose a sense of ourselves. We start to loose our way. Something feels off. So when we feel good about who we are and where we want to go, things start to change. When we feel different we start to change our perspective. When we change our perspective, we reframe the story.

3:30 min

I'm not looking for my other half. I'm looking for another person who is whole. When I see that person they are just a gift showing me how I can better show up in the world. They are a reflection of how I can be better. They are a reflection of how I choose to be.

I drove for a ride share company for a while. At the end of the ride a guy in his 20s asked me why his girlfriend thinks he's always going to cheat on her. I didn't have a lot of time to explain, but I said, "You know that's really about her and not about you."

We bring our fears and struggles from the past into our relationships that aren't always true. Because we don't always have a great relationship within ourselves, and understand that, we bring our traumas, pains, wounds, and frustrations in and project that onto our partner.

4:35 min

So we need to become healthy and understand ourselves better, why we operate, how we think and feel, and then claim ownership over those things. Until we get clear about that, we're probably going to continue to make a mess of things.

So I don't really want another half. I want someone who feels whole. And I want that to remind me that I feel whole and complete. And I don't need the acceptance or approval of someone else. I don't need that gross codependent, needy thing that says I need someone else to complete me.

5:15 min

So many of us form believes as little kids. We watch other relationships and the way other people behave, and we form conclusions with our developing amygdala. Then those memories become big shock ways of trauma. Then the fears of that trauma or story happening again for you creates all different ways that relationships unfold for you.

So becoming aware of what you've been telling yourself and how that shows up in your life is always the first step. We all are a bunch of grown up kids who are learning. We slow down a bit but we don't stop.

6 min

Form a better relationship with yourself, first. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate towards yourself. Understand what you believe about love and relationships. When you know better you do better.

One of my favorite statements to say when someone is afraid of a relationship or I might be afraid of something, I say "that doesn't have to be true. So what else is true?" What else is out there? What else could be true? Open your gaze enough to see what else could be possible.

Our fears create a tunnel vision to only see the same story over and over again, nd live in a scared place of saying "it's just always going to be this way." Well it doesn't have to be. And when you start believing in your self again and understanding, getting more confident about yourself, you're able to see clearer the kind of relationships and love you want to have. Ask, "Is that the kind of love I'm wanting ? " Nope ! I'm going to move over here and look at this other and of love. Ah thats the kind I want. Lets focus on the kind of love I DO want. What would that feel like ?

7:25 min

We believe with our hearts. And our thoughts reflect back to what we believe in our hearts.

I believed for a long time that relationships are hard work. It's just real hard work to love somebody. In a sense they're not fun, it's just a lot of work. Or I believed that they just don't work out. Or that there is some kind of imprisonment to being in a relationship.

I had to reframe that. I had to see a different perspective. Because that was just the continual story I kept telling myself. So one of the big questions I ask myself is, "what would fun feel like in a realtionship? What would enjoyment feel like." And then when I focus in on that. And when I see and understand more of that, I focus in on more of that. I feel more of that.

I stop telling myself the old story that..

its going to be a lot of hard work, or they might not be into you,

or you might not feel accepted,

or you've got to change for somebody else,

or they're going to mistreat you,

or they're going to abuse you,

or they're going to lie to you,

or ALL women are.. (fill-in the blank)

Or ALL men are.. (whatever you normal say here)

And so we create these limitations around or relationships based on what we believe about our experiences and what we believe about ourselves.

8:45 min

So get to know you. Get to know your intuition. Get to know what love feels like for you. Get to know what love looks like for you. Not what is HAS looked like, but what you WANT it to look like. Go from feeling the kind of love you don't want, from the kind of love you DO want.

Understand your limitations, so you can get past your limitations. Understand the yes and no of what you do want and what you don't want.

Start making a choice about the kind of person you want to become that will attract the kind of person you want to be with. The other whole person you want to be with. Feel completed. Feel a sense of confidence, clarity, love and appreciation and you'll start to see the kind of love you want show up in your life.

9:45 min

Hey thanks for listening to The Kind of Love. This season is packed with conversations about having a better relationship with yourself so you can have a better relationships with others.

This season is brought to you by me, Aaron. You can visit me at theKindofLove.com or @thekindoflovepodcast on instagram. Please fill free to share this with your friends, your mom, your partner.. accept don't bring thi s to your partner and be like "you need to listen to this, you need to change !" Thats not cool, kind or loving.

You could sit down and listen to it with your partner instead of watching Netflix.

NARRATE

Welcome back, hopefully you've joined me on the last episode where My brother Dave and I spoke about holding space IN the relationship.

Now we are going to talk about holding space for yourself in the aftermath of a break up.

When we recorded this interview, my Brother David's relationship had come to an end.

I think to the degree of which you spent time loving someone determines the degree you will spend recovering from a divorce or a break up.

One time a friend told me for every month you date someone you should only spend about an hour reflecting and recovering from that. I think t's different for everyone.

But I think there's something to that. The question is "how long do you want to spend experiencing the break up?"

And what does it look like to hold space for yourself when a relationship is really traumatic.

Many times its just like a death, and you have to set side time to mourn, surround yourself with people that love you, and give yourself time to reflect and heal.

It's interesting to hear Dave's perspective on when you're really IN IT. And what your friends think you need and what you really need. Only you choose to let yourself recover.

You have to get back to having a good relationship with yourself.

So here is some more on two brother's talking about love.

(Short narration from relationship ending is much like a real death. And giving yourself time and space to greave. This could be mentioned at the beginning of part 2)

4:45 min

Detachment and if the buddha dated.

5:38 min

Detachment after a break up. Aaron mentions that he was told that he was still in a relationship with his ex.

6:30 min

Daves says I'm not going to lie, I'm still attached

David talks about the level of depth he had with his ex. And it was a sign of all his transformational work.

And the break up doesn't feel congruent with all of the depth and love thats truly there

10:00 min

David begins talk about the practice of non attachment. Its a quiet practice of being ok and not needy in a relationship.

11:26 min

David compares detaching from a realtionship to the death of his friend in high school DR. That was an early experience of detachment and feeling abandoned.

12:26 min

David and his partner would practice say I choose you and I love you today, everyday.

13:15 min

Aaron asks David about feeling abandoned after the death of DR. Aaron shares a story of walking in David's room right after DR died.

14:45 min

David talks about the difference between a grandparent dying, and a close friend who's on your same level.

Anytime someone dies you get a reminder that we're just here for a moment.

17:36 min

Aaron asks Dave about his recent break up and surrendering and letting go after the relationship was over.

When you're going through a break up you're surrounding what is lost, and trying to care and have love for yourself at the same time.

19:00 min

Aaron makes the point that when you're in a lot of pain you ARE self absorbed. And explained his experience in recovery.

When you've had a detrimental break you feel exhausted and you're checking your emotions and your vital signs.

20:10

Aaron asks Dave what the aftermath looks like, and what's been helpful.

David talks about slowing down. Choosing not to judge yourself or keep up in an action oriented world.

21:32 min

Dave talks about the judgements he has on himself to DO. In a break up you need.

Dave says to everyone, "I'm not functioning how I normally do."

23:00 min

David talks about how not everyone has done the work to know what to do when you're in the muck of a break up. Talks about not needing anyone's advice and holding space. A break up is like going through a death.

Not a lot of people take the time to ask, "hey what do you need?"

24:50 min

Aaron Talks about a friend who gave him emotionally unintelligent advice to go sleep with someone else after a big break up. And Aaron says, what's really going on is he doesn't want to see his brother suffer. And hopefully see the other side for him.

26:15 min

Dave talks about American culture not want to experience discomfortable. But Dave sees this is a spiritual teaching. He asks, Pleases don't disrupt it.

David said surrendering is saying "I don't really get this, and I'm not going to try but just be in it."

28:00 min

Aaron talks about minding the process of breaking up.

Aaron was resistting to not want to be in pain, but also knowing that you need to feel through pain to understand. And also, when your stuck changing your energy and not living in that emotion.

You have to feel through it, identify it, and then release so you can get to a point when you're pass that.

Mind the process of how you greave. Aaron mentions being sarcastic with himself. Sarcasm brings awareness to the inner self critic.

30:00 min

Dave talks about our culture is not a feeling culture. Let go ok in allowing the sadness. The crying pass through, it can be cleansing. Aaron says we're afraid to look ugly, instead let out a good cry man.

Allowing yourself to cry is holding grace and compassion for yourself.

33:00 min

Aaron asks what do you want the story to look like? As is that even appropriate ? Dave says he's not in the space to think about a future partner.

Still minding the process.

Aaron asks whats the love you want to receive? Whats the kind of love you're not getting that you do want.

33:45 Dave says, "I'm in relationship with myself and looking for the healthiest me."

Dave is much more connected with loving yourself. You're spiraling if you're not in that space.

"There's plenty of time when I don't like me, but being ok with not liking me." And then you beat yourself up more.

Aaron mentions that it's Feeling bad for feeling bad.

35:50 min

Letting go of all of the judgments you have on yourself.

Dave says its like being in a room with yourself telling yourself, "Put the gun down. Its alright self"

37:00 min

Should's are heavy judgement statements. Dave keeps thinking about how someone is going to judge him or make fun of him for going to the spa.

It's a sacred space for Dave. Aaron coins the phrase, SPAmaste.

Aaron tells Dave to Keep taking care of himself, thats true self-love.

38:30 min

David and Aaron banter and talk about the ice cream truck that looked like an abductor van.

39:30 min

David and Aaron talk about surrounding yourself with good people.

For the people that are post break up. Slow down, love yourself and surround yourself with great people that are willing to just BE with you.

You know the self critic wants to have you return to what you know. And when it comes to a break up. Just know that it's ok to not be ok for a little while. Recovery time takes time.

The best thing and the first step we can do when we've experienced a break up or a separation is slow down and listen. Listen to ourselves mainly and take this time to be an opportunity to see what we've learned.

If we can reframe our break-up as a gift. If we can reframe our ex as a beautiful gift just teaching us more about where we're at, how far we've come, and how we can love better.

But before you try to do anything. Pause to a complete stop. Stop all of the survival self mechanisms to want to fix anything and go through the emotions your feeling. We all have divergent variations to fight, fly or hide from our pain. But facing it head on, and moving through it is the only way to get to the other side.

Only then will you gain a better relationship with yourself.

If you're struggling to gain grounding in your relationship with yourself, there's help out there. Find someone who can support you in your recovery. A therapist, a coach, a counselor, a solid friend. Know that you're not alone and that though your circumstance is unfortunate. There's people who get it.

Thanks for listening. This episode is brought to you by be a personal coach who supports people in overcoming their harmful patterns in their relationship with themselves and others.

Thanks for listening. I'm your Coach Aaron

Best of Love.

I really want to explore these painful stories and wounds from our past that we bring into our relationship. Ultimately we get our emotional buttons pushed a lot in our relationship.

We don't just overnight fall out of love, we fall out of love one unloving behavior at a time. Is it possible then that we can restore our relationship one LOVING behavior at a time ? I believe they can restore it one loving behavior at a time. But it always takes two to be in a relationship.

I talk with Dave in this first part about how to cultivate a conversation in your relationship at the very beginning, to create a foundation around it so you can begin to love and trust each other.

When our emotional buttons are pushed in a relationship, it's not really about our partner, its about us. And the hurt, pain, annoyance, or disgust is really about our pain from the past that we need to overcome and heal. Our partners behaviors just reflects back to us that pain and that hurt.

You've probably heard that hurt people, hurt people. And I believe healed people can heal people.

So how do we cultivate a relationship where we don't harm each other and where your partner isn't your problem ? Where you recognize that your wounds are your problem.

I talk with Dave how he set up his relationship with his partner with the intention to not harm one another. We're imperfect human beings, but its important to create space in the relationship to give ourselves the love and respect that we need to heal.

What do I mean by space? I mean the ability to have compassion, empathy, trust, and to not react or harm your partner. Its the ability and the emotional intelligence to understand that the pain you hold onto is not about your partner, it's about you learning to love and accept yourself. Then, you can grow back your relationship one LOVING behavior at a time.

When we get committed to truly loving ourselves in the relationship, we're making a commitment to loving our partner. When get an understanding of choosing ourself in the relationship, we then grow the capacity to choose our partner as well.

Dave and I grew up under the same roof. II believe the story that "I'm Bad." The shame story we bring into our relationship and we let it reek havoc because we believe we're bad. And if we believe that we're bad, it will show up in real life.

Our brain wants to reinforce that story. But the truth is we're not bad. We need to look at that shame and shine a light on it so that we don't keep continuing the harmful cycles and patterns.

This episode is brought to you by me a personal coach. I work in self-love and self-acceptance. You can go to the kindoflove.com and sign up for the newsletter and you'll get podcast updates and be sent love inspiration.

Here's a couple brothers talking about love.

Interview

4:50 min

We just get the moments we don't always get to record the moments. Boomerangs thoughts will come back and what was that awkward funny thing ?

5:50 min

Brother's banter about the intro.

6:30 min

Aaron brings back up his awkward not kissing for 3 months. That was a terrible idea if you're teen and beyond.

7:40 min

Dave says every moment was awkward with so much sexual tension. Especially who's being told your bad for thinking sexual in anyway. Dave says its like being constipated.

8:30min Aaron and David grew up with the same awkwardness. David points out that all we were told as young teens is "sex is bad".

9:50 min

You're going trained when your young to deny yourself of sex, and that you can't have it and that you're bad for having it. Shame is the worst.

You just wanted affection.

Dave says "when you just want to hold hands and then all of a sudden it skips to German dungeon sex. And then you're told you'll be in hell."

12 min

Aaron talks about the fear of "if you even think of a girl in the wrong way you're going to hell!"

Dave says, "it's The root of glitch. "

Dave messes with Aaron and jokes about messing with all of the hosts.

Dave almost ditches his story almost brings it back. Aaron makes a hard turn and jokingly asks Dave if he wants to talk about the deep ocean of Melancholy in a relationship that has just sucked the life out of you.

14:00 min

Aaron brings up holding space in a relationship.. What does this look like when you are really frustrated with your partner?

Dave talks about setting that up at the beginning. Its common when you're angry, the other person wants to put a bow on it and solve it and wrap it up.

It's an important to acknoledge with the other partner that you need a moment. And then being willing to actually remove yourself. Its easy to get pulled back in.

Changing your environment and honor each other. It may not about be you it could be about the other person. And you also give space to the other person.

Dave says, "Ask what is about for me at the core, that is tripping me up?"

17:00 min

When you're giving yourself space you're also giving them space as well. Many people want to be in that unhealthy space where you want to force and fix it. The "We want to make this right right now"

You're saying, "I'm for you and I believe you're for me."

Not live with resentment for many days. Or you may need to acknowledge that and tell your partner.

I get that it's my problem and I'm working on it. Ego wants to be right.

When you create space it creates deep roots. To be able to trust one another in the muck, they've got to go work on their "stuff". And that helps the relationship feel anchored.

19:30 min

Aaron talks about starting a firm foundation. Aaron says that in his past relationship if he would have had this practice his past relationships would not have been as messy. And then asks Dave how he established foundation in his last relationship.

Aaron talks about being open and honest. And understanding at the beginning of a relationship understanding that you have a wounded past.

21 min

Dave said a lot up front to his ex on the first date even. And they set that foundation right up at the front.

22:00 Dave talks about setting an intention on the first date.

Dave says, "Why wouldn't I be my most authentic self?" You have to be honest about who you are and your intention.

You have to be sensitive and understand where people are at.

Dave said at the beginning. "I'm not a game guy." Just Be pure and true the best you can. Then you don't bullshit mask each other. We're only hear for a short time.

24:14 min

David committed to never cheating, and said, "if for some reason I'm so attracted to someone else, I'm honest and I will just tell you. Hey I'm really attracted to this person."

When your in a committed relationship, your intention is to do no harm. You may do some cause you're human and hopefully not a lot and check in on that.

The downfall of every relationship is lack of communication and honesty.

Red flag warning, if you're dating someone thats not having that conversation with you, or if you don't feel like you can be honest up front, you should or get out.

26 min

Get clear about who you want to be in the relationship. Who you want to be also dictates what you want back.

Give what you want to receive.

Aaron didn't know these things growing up but doesn't want to beat himself up either. There was a lot internally going on that held him back from having those conversations.

27:00 min

Dave says now I think about how he wants to navigate the conversation with his kids.

We got taught a certain way. And we need to not beat ourselves up about it and re-teach ourselves.

Aaron says we're all a bunch of big children walking around.

Aaron narrates

We all are a bunch of big babies walking about, Like tall children that have grown up. We're grown up kids. And we're always learning. We come into this world innocent. We fall down and then we fall down and get back up again. Every person is just learning how to walk. The codependent person wants to get into a relationship and think that they can fix, or solve, or save the other person from their problems.

The mirror comes back in when we see our partner as ourself, or we see our neighbor as ourself. Then we're able to look inside ourselves and save ourselves first. Save ourselves from our own pain and sufferingThat begins by telling ourselves the truth. It begins with awareness.

I love that Dave set up his last relationship to be a safe place and to learn and to grow as partners. Unfortunately the relationship ended, and thats ok.

If we go into relationships trying to understand ourselves better and grow, then we gain the capacity to love each other more and more.

Part two of this interview with my brother David is about detaching from a partner, learning to heal and become more aware after the break up.

Whats the aftermath look like ?

Often times we get into a relationship we fall in love, and then it seems like out of no where something changes. Maybe we see patterns that loop around and come back. We get exhausted from those patterns that repeat and resurface. It looks different for everybody.

No matter what side of the break up we're on we feel like that person changed or we lost ourselves. It's still confusing and frustrating. The more we come to clarity and truth about ourselves and love and accept ourselves. The more we have capacity to love someone else in a relationship. And then we bring our newer self into the next relationship.

Even though a relationship doesn't last, we can see our partner as something of a gift to teach us more about ourselves. We can see our judgements about our partner as something they need to work on, OR we can see it as a reflection of something in ourselves to heal.

In this next part we're going to talk about holding space for yourself AFTER the break up. There is a grieving process that happens. A lot of times people want that quick fix or that cure to get back to normal and act like everything's ok. But thats the exact moment that it's time to become really aware of what actually happened in the relationship. It's a chance to look inside yourself and see what you created in the relationship that was harmful and change that about yourself.

Thank you so much for listening. This episode and many to come are brought to you by me. I'm a personal coach that deals with love and self acceptance. You can got to thekindoflove.com and download a pdf on more self awareness, self love and self acceptance.

If you like the music on this podcast you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.

Thanks again for listening. I'm your coach Aaron

Best of love to you!

Thanks for listening. If you like the music on this podcast go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF of a Subscription for unlimited music at Soundstripe.

Episode Start

Hey whats up. Welcome back. I'm Aaron. This season is going to be all about the aftermath of break-up. ITs about healing and loving and accepting yourself.

What are some of the ways and tools we can use to lean into healing out wounds from the past? So we can move forward into the kind of love we want.

Im excited about this first interview. Its with my brother, Dave ! We've known each other for a little while. When we recorded this Dave had just gone through break up with a finance. His willingness and vulnerability to even have this conversation shows a lot about his character.

I really want to explore these painful stories and wounds from our past that we bring into our relationship. Ultimately we get our emotional buttons pushed a lot in our relationship.

We don't just overnight fall out of love, we fall out of love one unloving behavior at a time. Is it possible then that we can restore our relationship one LOVING behavior at a time ? I believe they can restore it one loving behavior at a time. But it always takes two to be in a relationship.

I talk with Dave in this first part about how to cultivate a conversation in your relationship at the very beginning, to create a foundation around it so you can begin to love and trust each other.

When our emotional buttons are pushed in a relationship, it's not really about our partner, its about us. And the hurt, pain, annoyance, or disgust is really about our pain from the past that we need to overcome and heal. Our partners behaviors just reflects back to us that pain and that hurt.

You've probably heard that hurt people, hurt people. And I believe healed people can heal people.

So how do we cultivate a relationship where we don't harm each other and where your partner isn't your problem ? Where you recognize that your wounds are your problem.

I talk with Dave how he set up his relationship with his partner with the intention to not harm one another. We're imperfect human beings, but its important to create space in the relationship to give ourselves the love and respect that we need to heal.

What do I mean by space? I mean the ability to have compassion, empathy, trust, and to not react or harm your partner. Its the ability and the emotional intelligence to understand that the pain you hold onto is not about your partner, it's about you learning to love and accept yourself. Then, you can grow back your relationship one LOVING behavior at a time.

When we get committed to truly loving ourselves in the relationship, we're making a commitment to loving our partner. When get an understanding of choosing ourself in the relationship, we then grow the capacity to choose our partner as well.

Dave and I grew up under the same roof. II believe the story that "I'm Bad." The shame story we bring into our relationship and we let it reek havoc because we believe we're bad. And if we believe that we're bad, it will show up in real life.

Our brain wants to reinforce that story. But the truth is we're not bad. We need to look at that shame and shine a light on it so that we don't keep continuing the harmful cycles and patterns.

This episode is brought to you by me a personal coach. I work in self-love and self-acceptance. You can go to the kindoflove.com and sign up for the newsletter and you'll get podcast updates and be sent love inspiration.

Here's a couple brothers talking about love.

Interview

4:50 min

We just get the moments we don't always get to record the moments. Boomerangs thoughts will come back and what was that awkward funny thing ?

5:50 min

Brother's banter about the intro.

6:30 min

Aaron brings back up his awkward not kissing for 3 months. That was a terrible idea if you're teen and beyond.

7:40 min

Dave says every moment was awkward with so much sexual tension. Especially who's being told your bad for thinking sexual in anyway. Dave says its like being constipated.

8:30min Aaron and David grew up with the same awkwardness. David points out that all we were told as young teens is "sex is bad".

9:50 min

You're going trained when your young to deny yourself of sex, and that you can't have it and that you're bad for having it. Shame is the worst.

You just wanted affection.

Dave says "when you just want to hold hands and then all of a sudden it skips to German dungeon sex. And then you're told you'll be in hell."

12 min

Aaron talks about the fear of "if you even think of a girl in the wrong way you're going to hell!"

Dave says, "it's The root of glitch. "

Dave messes with Aaron and jokes about messing with all of the hosts.

Dave almost ditches his story almost brings it back. Aaron makes a hard turn and jokingly asks Dave if he wants to talk about the deep ocean of Melancholy in a relationship that has just sucked the life out of you.

14:00 min

Aaron brings up holding space in a relationship.. What does this look like when you are really frustrated with your partner?

Dave talks about setting that up at the beginning. Its common when you're angry, the other person wants to put a bow on it and solve it and wrap it up.

It's an important to acknoledge with the other partner that you need a moment. And then being willing to actually remove yourself. Its easy to get pulled back in.

Changing your environment and honor each other. It may not about be you it could be about the other person. And you also give space to the other person.

Dave says, "Ask what is about for me at the core, that is tripping me up?"

17:00 min

When you're giving yourself space you're also giving them space as well. Many people want to be in that unhealthy space where you want to force and fix it. The "We want to make this right right now"

You're saying, "I'm for you and I believe you're for me."

Not live with resentment for many days. Or you may need to acknowledge that and tell your partner.

I get that it's my problem and I'm working on it. Ego wants to be right.

When you create space it creates deep roots. To be able to trust one another in the muck, they've got to go work on their "stuff". And that helps the relationship feel anchored.

19:30 min

Aaron talks about starting a firm foundation. Aaron says that in his past relationship if he would have had this practice his past relationships would not have been as messy. And then asks Dave how he established foundation in his last relationship.

Aaron talks about being open and honest. And understanding at the beginning of a relationship understanding that you have a wounded past.

21 min

Dave said a lot up front to his ex on the first date even. And they set that foundation right up at the front.

22:00 Dave talks about setting an intention on the first date.

Dave says, "Why wouldn't I be my most authentic self?" You have to be honest about who you are and your intention.

You have to be sensitive and understand where people are at.

Dave said at the beginning. "I'm not a game guy." Just Be pure and true the best you can. Then you don't bullshit mask each other. We're only hear for a short time.

24:14 min

David committed to never cheating, and said, "if for some reason I'm so attracted to someone else, I'm honest and I will just tell you. Hey I'm really attracted to this person."

When your in a committed relationship, your intention is to do no harm. You may do some cause you're human and hopefully not a lot and check in on that.

The downfall of every relationship is lack of communication and honesty.

Red flag warning, if you're dating someone thats not having that conversation with you, or if you don't feel like you can be honest up front, you should or get out.

26 min

Get clear about who you want to be in the relationship. Who you want to be also dictates what you want back.

Give what you want to receive.

Aaron didn't know these things growing up but doesn't want to beat himself up either. There was a lot internally going on that held him back from having those conversations.

27:00 min

Dave says now I think about how he wants to navigate the conversation with his kids.

We got taught a certain way. And we need to not beat ourselves up about it and re-teach ourselves.

Aaron says we're all a bunch of big children walking around.

Aaron narrates

We all are a bunch of big babies walking about, Like tall children that have grown up. We're grown up kids. And we're always learning. We come into this world innocent. We fall down and then we fall down and get back up again. Every person is just learning how to walk. The codependent person wants to get into a relationship and think that they can fix, or solve, or save the other person from their problems.

The mirror comes back in when we see our partner as ourself, or we see our neighbor as ourself. Then we're able to look inside ourselves and save ourselves first. Save ourselves from our own pain and sufferingThat begins by telling ourselves the truth. It begins with awareness.

I love that Dave set up his last relationship to be a safe place and to learn and to grow as partners. Unfortunately the relationship ended, and thats ok.

If we go into relationships trying to understand ourselves better and grow, then we gain the capacity to love each other more and more.

Part two of this interview with my brother David is about detaching from a partner, learning to heal and become more aware after the break up.

Whats the aftermath look like ?

Often times we get into a relationship we fall in love, and then it seems like out of no where something changes. Maybe we see patterns that loop around and come back. We get exhausted from those patterns that repeat and resurface. It looks different for everybody.

No matter what side of the break up we're on we feel like that person changed or we lost ourselves. It's still confusing and frustrating. The more we come to clarity and truth about ourselves and love and accept ourselves. The more we have capacity to love someone else in a relationship. And then we bring our newer self into the next relationship.

Even though a relationship doesn't last, we can see our partner as something of a gift to teach us more about ourselves. We can see our judgements about our partner as something they need to work on, OR we can see it as a reflection of something in ourselves to heal.

In this next part we're going to talk about holding space for yourself AFTER the break up. There is a grieving process that happens. A lot of times people want that quick fix or that cure to get back to normal and act like everything's ok. But thats the exact moment that it's time to become really aware of what actually happened in the relationship. It's a chance to look inside yourself and see what you created in the relationship that was harmful and change that about yourself.

Thank you so much for listening. This episode and many to come are brought to you by me. I'm a personal coach that deals with love and self acceptance. You can got to thekindoflove.com and download a pdf on more self awareness, self love and self acceptance.

If you like the music on this podcast you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.

Thanks again for listening. I'm your coach Aaron

Best of love to you!

This season Aaron will be hosting interviews with friends, family and professionals on self-love, self-acceptance, and the many aspects and ways of overcoming and healing from past relationships that have left you feeling frustrated, confused and exhausted.

00:26 min

Aaron Narrates

Welcome to the podcast season 2.

I'm excited and it fills up my spirit jar to hear others and their stories.

I'm going to have guests that are professionals, family, friends, and hear the wisdom that they've learned.

It's about what we tell ourselves and how our emotions are connected to our thoughts. How we can continue to create love trauma or not in our life.

1:45 min

So I want this season to be about self healing and raising our awareness. We can only change what we are aware of.

Theres many ways in which we can heal, and we are adaptable creatures. We have the ability to adapt and love again. Thats how I became a personal coach.

It comes down to the individual creating a better reality for themselves.

2:46 min

When I was younger I thought the golden rule was treat others better than yourself, but it's actually treat others AS yourself. So I've been put to the test of seeing every interaction as I'm just having a conversation with myself. And when you do that you learn more about others and have more empathy for them.

3:45 min

How can we become more mindful of the love that we are creating ?

When we are more mindful of those things there's a ripple effect every where else in our life.

4:20 min

Not everyone has the same story but we all desire to be free from our suffering. But we have to face ourselves sometimes. Its easier to stay in our familiar uncomfortable patterns.

Its challenging to face our survival self that just isn't working anymore.

I hope you're experiencing and creating the kind of love you're looking for.

I'm your coach Aaron,

Best of Love to you.

In this solo-episode, Aaron talks about emotionally responding to the COVID-19 pandemic. How we can choose to isolate or collaborate. Collaborating and coming together actually keeps us sane.

:26 min

Here we are. Welcome back. This is the kind of love I'm NOT looking for. This virus right? These are strange times. But its also these strange times that slow us down. We have choice in the matter. We can choose to jump into a survival strategy, freak out, and do all of those things and react out of fear and anxiety. Or we can choose to slow down. It forces us to do one or the other.

Its funny as a human race that we wait for crisis. We what for something really bad to happen like a relationship gone wrong. The loss of a job, a weird virus that shows up out of nowhere and completely takes over globally.

1:23 min

This episode is unusual solo episode where I'm challenged, and I invite you to slow down and listen, not to me necessarily, but to yourself. We are meant to survive and thrive of course, but then we are also meant to share as a people. When heartache and pain and frustrated and death and all of the things tat we're confused by. When all of these things happen, we can either isolate, and not just physically isolating, but isolate in anxiety, depression, or anger. Anything that separates us emotionally from the world around us. Its a major reality check. What's your reality ?

2:22 min

Who we are has a ripple effect in our life. Who we are effects the people around us. We have a chance right now to choose to isolate in our own little ways or collaborate.

2:40 min

How do we come together? How do we do the thing thats unusual, or unnatural? The thing that takes us out of our comfort zone.

The big question is what do we want the story to look like? What do we want the result to be from this time? And the hardest part is that we don't have control over much of anything other than ourselves and how we respond.

So do you choose to respond in love or in some state of fear? How do you speak love into your life and truth into your life right now?

How do you hold on? Or Is it better to let go?

3:35 min

Better questions always lead to better answers. If you're struggling out there internally. This is part of my self-love and self-talk practice… try slowing down and asking yourself whats the story going on right now for me? What am I telling myself ?

3:50 min

In a way our fear of the unknown can be our enemy. We scatter to do all of these strategies and all these other ways of being to control the outcome. Not that we shouldn't do anything. We should be proactive and protect what we have. But, we can also give. And how do we give when a lot of people are scared out of their minds?

4:20 min

A lot of people have fear about where the economy is headed. Some of us are grasping at straws, some of us are grasping at toilet paper. But I think the greatest strength that we have as humans during this time is to come together. And I know I've bee really grateful. My friends can be my hero's. There's been a lot of friends that have helped me, and that always reminds me to try to support others.

4:55 min

What do I mean by collaborate ? If you're an artists, musician, painter, entrepreneur, or you've heard the song ice ice baby from the 90s, you know what collaborate means. I've seen a lot of businesses here in Nashville step up and help people in need.

5:20 min

When we're collaborating we are creating a new story for ourselves. We're thinking about things differently. WE're being way more intentional. And choosing to do something great.

When we feel a sense of gratitude, like we've just received something. When we feel a sense of " I was able to give something to someone that I didn't think I had," it fills you back up again.

5:50 min

When we go spiraling down into depression, or anger, or anxiety, confusion, we think we're alone in the matter. But, you're not alone. And its ok to not be ok. And its also not ok to live there.

How long do you want to stay in this familiar uncomfortable place? How long do you want to hold on to your melancholy? How long do you want to hold on to your anger?

6:24 min

Instead ask, What would a better version of yourself look like on the other side of this? And how could you connect with other people in this time?

6:40 min

In Nashville its been mostly raining during this time . And right before the Virus hit us, there was a destructive tornado that touched town. It could be a slippery slope to spiral into worst case scenario and think this is dooms day.

It doesn't have to be dooms day. But it's definitely a reality shift for all of us to show us how fragile we can be. To show us that we don't have control over everything. It levels the plane for our entire society. Entitlement starts to dissolve when we're all stuck in our houses and we're faced with things about to fall apart.

7:17 min

All of the things that we' ve taken for granted in our lives. And all the things we just expect to be apart of our lives, like the roofs over our heads and our baristas making our latte's the way we want them made

Everything that we readily have access to, their value changes. But, really our perspective just changes.

So what's the narrative that is actually life giving? What does the story look like from here on out?You have a ripple effect with where you want to go with your own story.

7:55 min

Coming together keeps us sane. We live between two extremes. We can choose to see that this virus is the worst thing ever, that our world is falling apart, that this is the worst thing ever, and be scared out of our minds. Or, we can see this as an opportunity.

8:15 min

I like to see these situations as a gift. What can I learn form this. We're faced at looking at the essentials of our life. We're all faced with look at what really matter.

So How can we look at the valuable things in our life? And keep those valuable things? And be grateful for those valuable things. Maybe, just maybe on the other side of this, come out as better versions of ourselves.

8:40

What would it look like for you to choose to isolate or collaborate? What if you just calibrated with one person on something, maybe it was a drawing, maybe it was a business, or maybe a delicious meal.

Slow down, get into the present moment and ask yourself, "Is this decision I'm about to make, is it based in the fear of the unknown, or is it based in who I know I am?"

9:03 min

Slowing down forces us to rethink and reframe our story. How do we begin to survive, and then thrive?

First by sharing, by collaborating, by offering up our resources and talents, by being honest with ourselves, and being willing to give. When you give it gives back.

9:30 min

We're al forced to look around and see what we have. Can we give what have? Do we hoardr what we have ? How can we come together and build a better sustainable, healthy, world for ourselves.

Its ironic to think that it takes physically distancing to see that we have an opportunity to connect every day.

Final thoughts

9:57 min

Love isn't a feeling. Passion, joy, and excitement are feelings. Love is something you do.

How do you create love within yourself so it becomes a ripple effect. And you're able to come together and create something great.

Sometimes it takes crisis to let us know we need a shift in our reality. But, We can really choose this at any time. You don't have to wait for crisis to hit.

10:30 min

This pandemic just slowed us down enough to notice that now is the time.

Small changes have there own ripple effect. Whats something you can do?

What's one routine change, one thing we can give to someone that they can't give themselves, one thing we can do to make our life better, one thing to make our healthy, one thing to grow your business, one thing to connect with someone else and create connection?

11:05 min

Whats just one thing you can do, today? something different, something new, something out of your comfort zone. There's going to be a ripple effect.

You know there's that old saying "its not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country." What if we replaced the word country with other things that we care about in our life like family, friends, partners, community, your finances, your life, your business? Whatever that thing is that you want to have change in your personal world.

11:42 min

It's not what your life can do for you but what you can do for your life. You get to choose. That's real empowerment. As I challenge myself, I invite you to go take one small action step to cause a shift, to the change the thing you want to see happen. Then the next day, do one more small action. And so on.

Closing

12:04 min

Hey thanks for listing to this mini episode of the kind of love podcast. I hope that you're getting the kind of love you're looking for. This is season has been brought to you by me mainly, a self-love, self-talk, self-affirmation, and self-acceptance coach.

You can always connect with me at aarontosti.com or thekindoflove.com

This season is wrapping up. Next season we'll be talking about self healing, self-care, and different modalities that help us to get back into being centered, balanced people. A lot of that has to do with stress, and how it takes us away form being our best selves. But if we can get back to being our best self, it will create a ripple effect of love in our life.

12:50 min

I'd like to thank our sponsors this season Soundstripe.com If you are a content creator and you want to put music to your podcast, video, or whatever content you create that could be even better with music underneath it. You can go to the kindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF an entire year of music of unlimited music by Soundstripe.

13:15 min

You've been listening to the first season of The Kind of Love Podcast. A podcast where we explore the internal struggles and internal dialogue that might be holding you back from the kind of love you're looking for.

I'm your coach Aaron. Best of Love to you.

Let me introduce you to Morgan aka "Lauren" my girlfriend from high school. We talk about our funny RomCom stories, her perspective on dating me as a very conservative Christian dude at the time, and her cat relationship problems.

1:15 min Aaron Narrates

What's up everyone. Sometimes I wonder, "is it worth going to your past and digging it up and talking about it?" I don't think it's good to dwell on it, but I think its helpful to examine it, learn from it, and change your perspective.

And to change my perspective I had to go back and look at all my relationships, see where I went wrong, and see how I could've done things a little differently. If you've been listening to this season, you might have heard about my first big break up with who we Faux named "Lauren". Her name is actually Morgan and she's joining us on this episode to talk about our experience.

At one point during our relationship I was challenged to break up with her because I didn't know if she was a Christian at the time, and I was in a Christian that didn't want me to date a non-christian, which ironically was very not Christian of them. I think often times we make these decisions, and assume a lot about people and we don't love and accept them for who they are. We don't even ask questions to find out more about them.

Turns out Morgan was raised Christian, yet I almost broke up with her and that was ridiculous, unloving, and not accepting. But I think we can examine our relationships, and ask our loved ones what their experiences are. Instead of seeing them as WE are, get to know them for who THEY are.

Instead of distancing ourselves, being afraid, and not knowing who someone is, try to invited them into a conversation and get to know them. Then we get to see them for who they really are and love them and accept them.

So let me introduce you to Morgan my ex from high school, all our funny rom com stories, her perspective on dating me as a very conservative Christian dude at the time, and her cat relationship problems.

3:05 min

Aaron asks Morgan, "How's your cat problems?" She has very needy cats. And she has nice Napa wine. The Cats need the door slightly open.

5:00 min

Morgan is very detailed person. She remembers things specifically including NOT looking like Avril Lavigne. Morgan, says, "You mean the wrong thing Josh said."

Morgan thought she was Goth Stephanie, but Aaron clarifies she's more like "Goth Zoey Deschanel". She doesn't look like Zoey, its only cause the bangs.

6:35 min

Aaron and Morgan describe her style. Aaron tried to offend Morgan. She sarcastically says, "it's cultural appropriation."

Morgan can't figure out her headphone situation. She has first world white girl problems.

8:00 min

Aaron makes a weird Segway. Aaron was attracted to the way Morgan dressed. Aaron is curious if Morgan was attracted to him in high school, or if she had to warm up to him.

In high school, Morgan talked to her friend Megan who told her Aaron didn't date. So Morgan wrote Aaron off. Aaron wasn't on Morgan's radar.

Morgan knew Aaron didn't like Megan, so she thought Aaron didn't like her. But when she heard

9:30 min

Typically Morgan holds out for a lot of love, but when she knew it wasn't unrequited love, she was interested in Aaron.

Aaron talks about how he shouldn't have told Megan he was picky. Megan and Morgan were always together.

Morgan says that she's never the chaser.

11:30 min

Aaron talks about high school trying to follow Morgan. It was like a romcom. Aaron was wondering how they ended up dating.. Morgan says, "Yes you are very formal about everything."

Morgan said Aaron had hang ups. And Aaron told her he wasn't going to kiss her for a while. And Morgan wondered if something was wrong with her or if this was normal.

13:30 min

Morgan was raised christian but not like Aaron was. Aaron thought Morgan was Jewish. She was a "Sunday school" Christian. She went to church, but didn't bring it home.

When Morgan was 13 her mom told her she was Jewish.

Aaron went to a Jewish Temple Service when Morgan's mom invited him. Aaron had to kiss the Tora.

15:35 min

Morgan tells Aaron how her mom renounced Christianity. The pastor told her mom that her Grandpa was going to hell. So her mom was trying to get in touch with being Jewish, andAaron was a byproduct.

17:05 minutes

Aaron asks Morgan about the moment of Aaron almost getting kicked out of a band and having to choose between music or Morgan. What was her perception ?

Aaron talks about it being really nervous because she was the first girlfriend that he liked a lot. Morgan says that being told he wasn't going to kiss her didn't feel good, but also was kind of a challenge.

Aaron Apologizes. Morgan said she didn't know any better but Aaron was the first guy she ever really loved.

Morgan felt valued after being kissed. But it placed a weird ora and tension on the relationship. Morgan didn't have the same views. Morgan liked Aaron, so she went with it.

20:00 min

Aaron talks about always being together. And even his dad getting mad at him for getting home too late at night.

Aaron says they got really close.

20:40 min

Aaron jumps to when he was put up to break up with Morgan. He either had to break up with Morgan or save her.

Morgan says they ended up talking at her front door. They both did grand gestures in high school.

22:00 min

Morgan brings up cold shoulder conversation. Aaron asked if she learned about that on the podcast. They've talked about it before.

Morgan says that she didn't know at the time how to communicate that she wanted the attention that she needed. She perceived Aaron wasn't into her when he was with friends laughing and joking.

Morgan says it was a miscommunication.

23:15 min

Morgan said she didn't know what else to do, and Aaron says that was like her survival mechanism. Morgan says, she felt like if Aaron wasn't paying attention to her, he wasn't interested in her. Which she's moved on from thinking that way. It wasn't true.

Aaron says they communicate much better today.

24:25 min

Morgan says that she just didn't have a relationship model at all.

Aaron says that they just weren't seeing each others side. Everything is neutral. One situation can be experienced completely different from either side.

25:20 min

Aaron talks about that day, how they both weren't able to speak each other's truth. Aaron talks about not wanting to hurt Morgan but having to tell her the news that he was being pressured to break up with her. He felt really heavy that day.

26:30 min

Morgan remembers things totally different. She said to Aaron, "I'm not, not-Christian. I don't NOT believe in God." Aaron asked her if she wanted to be.

Morgan remembers thinking "Do I make a decision on something I'm neutral on? Or do I lose the guy that I love?"

Morgan cared more about staying together.

28:40 minutes

Aaron thought Morgan felt bad and she did. Morgan talked about how she was later angry at the band and that they did the least Christian thing you could do.

Morgan says that she didn't really care at the time but later realized what the band did was kind of fucked up.

Aaron had to choose between a girl he loved and playing music which he also loved.

31:45 min

Aaron Asked Morgan, "Was there a moment when you were upset with me ?" She talks about not feeling like having a guy choose her. Morgan said that definitely hit an emotional button.

Aaron says, to not have a guy choose you that is already in a relationship with you, that's the kicker. Because you need to choose people in love.

33:15 min

It still bothers Aaron. He has forgiven the band and his brother.

34:05 min

Aaron asks Morgan, if you were me what would you have done ?

Morgan talks about being a hopeless romantic, and she chooses the person at all costs. If she was an adult in Aaron's shoes, without question she would have choose to be in the relationship and told the bad to deal with it.

35:20 min

Aaron asks Morgan, "What's the difference between the love you were looking for then, as opposed to the love you're looking for now?"

When she was younger, Morgan was looking for someone who was obsessed with her as she was with them. Now she is looking for a partner and an equal.

36:33 min

Aaron and Morgan talk about funny memes that talk about the difference dating in your 30s compared to your 20s.

37:20 min

Aaron mentions that he and Morgan had an on and off relationship for a long time. He relates it to her cats in the doorway. Like you want to know that it's still available, like the door is still open.

Morgan says, the timing was just always off. And they were kind of each other's first loves. Or maybe because we weren't shitty people.

Aaron says it's like the cracked door open, but I don't know what to put in that relationship space.

41:05 min

Aaron Thanks Morgan for being on the podcast and being cool about it. Now they see the moments of the past, not as something to be trapped by.

42:40 min Aaron Narrates

Hey thanks for listening. Now you know how messy my past was. I'd like to thank Morgan again for showing up and being vulnerable enough to talk about our past relationship. Maybe you've grabbed some take aways. The lesson I learned was, ask questions don't assume, be honest and open in your relationship, and except your partner for who they are.

When you put a value or an expectation on some one to be a certain way that they're just not, it doesn't really work. But, you can acknowledge that it doesn't work. And, you can move on and still love them for who they are even though they're not in your life in that way anymore.

If you'd like to stick around, there's another story about Morgan in a church parking thats really funny and a little inappropriate. Stay tuned if you'd like.

This episode is brought to you by me a Self-love and Self-Acceptance Coach.

Most of the music on this podcast is from Soundstripe. You can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and if you're a content creator, you can get 10% OFF a music subscription for unlimited music for an entire year.

Thanks so much for listening to the kind of love podcast!

I'm you're coach Aaron.

Best of love to you.

Now here is a funny awkward story.

44:00 min

Morgan tells a story of going to the Passion of the Christ Movie. They made out in the church parking lot. A cop came and asked them if they go to the church, they said no. And he said "Well maybe you should."