The Kind of Love

In Part 3 of 3 episodes we talk deeper on Joe & Denise's spiritual practice of healing emotional wounds and how True Love is actually the path to spiritual healing.

1:15 min

Aaron's Intro narration

Hey, welcome back to the Kind of Love podcast. This is the 3rd and final episode of Joe & Denises Love story. Hopefully you've had a chance to listen to the previous episodes on how Joe and Denise met, how they overcame their relationship fears, and in this episode we talk deeper on their spiritual practice of healing emotional wounds and how True Love is actually the path to spiritual healing.

I've come to believe that we can be our own worst enemy some times. We can get fixated on a story thats told us we're not good enough, we're too much for people, we don't matter, people leave us, things don't work out for us, there's many more on that list of fear based stories, but the worst one is "I'm bad." And if we just involuntarily or unconsciously believe you might be innately bad, thats going to show up in our lives. We're going to create, manifest, be self fulfilling prophecies and thats going to show up in our life.

So as we begin this conversation ask yourself, "What would the my story look like if I was already good?"

You could say that many of us are searching to be saved from this story that we're bad. And Love, Self-Love, compassion, grace and forgiveness are the way to truly healing that story.

Here we are talking with Joe and Denise from where we left off talking about pain, suffering and seeing our fears for the illusions they are. And, how to look at this from a deeper, impactful, spiritual place.

3:50 min

Denise introduces the question, what is pain ? And Why do we give pain so much value? Its not that big of a deal. Joe mentions especially when you face it. When you have the courage to face your fear, you see it for the illusion that it is. Joe says, "The peace that I wanted was contingent upon me making a commitment to this relationship."

Joe says, everything we want is on the other side of our fear.

5:00 min

All spiritual traditions talk about getting into a place of stillness and peace within.

Christianity, dying to our small self and being born again. Let go of the game of ego. Peaceful loving awareness. Experience what is present always.

Then we can be grounded in peaceful loving awareness.

All of our relationships look different. We will look different. People perceive us differently.

But we have to be willing to pass through what we are afraid of.

6:20 min

Aaron brings up the analogy Denise told him that courage is standing in the river while the current passes. And when we try to do anything else and fight it becomes our ego's strategy.

7:05 min

Denise says that it's so important to become aware of your egos strategies. How does my particular behave? What does it sound like ini my head? What is its language or tone of voice? What are the emotions as it stirs up in me?

Use the enneagram for how your ego behaves. The enneagram number identifies "That which you are not"

Denise says, "You can not change what you're not aware of." Spend a month learning your ego and what the head conversation is.

8:40 min

Then you have the opportunity to notice when it shows up on a phone call, on a date, in business, you know what to do.

Identify the ego by naming it. Drop into the present moment and say "ego wants me to do perform."

9:40 min

Aaron's ego can even beat itself up for trying to be in the present moment which is the insane part of the ego.

Joe asks, "why wouldn't your ego want to be in the present moment?" Aaron says, "So it can keep suffering!"

10:10 min

Aaron talks about how the ego strategy seems to always come through the back door. Thats where the manipulation comes from through the back door, and it's endless. Ego says lets do this strategy that hasn't been working for us anyway.

Aaron's ego's name is Richard, 'cause sometimes he's a dick.

11:00 min

Denise says, "Dick did you just slip through the back door?" Joe says," That has all sorts of implications."

Aaron says that he named his ego that because you need to laugh at yourself some times. Like, "Thats so funny that I want to do those things and think those thoughts and suffer some more. That sounds awful."

That sounds like a "Dick" move.

11:35 min

Aaron Narrates

This is where self narrative meets ego. And it becomes spiritual. We name things, we labels on things and judge them with our ego. So why not expose your ego by naming it. Then it becomes a way to separate the internal dialogue thats been creating the story that has been holding us back from the love that we may even already have. It might even be right in front of us, but the ego blinds us.

When we move away from our ego's fixation of wanting to be in pain, or frustrated or depressed, we can get back to being our Truer self and not be bound by our own internal dogma, or our own internal punisher so to speak.

My way of laughing at my own ego just keeps me from entertaining those thoughts and those emotions that are holding me back from what I COULD be experiencing, not would I SHOULD be experiencing.

I think we can continue to beat ourselves up for what we've done or who we think we are based on our ego's pain story, but then we don't get to move into the love we DO want. Again, its just loving ourselves enough, being compassionate towards ourselves, and then we have space to give and receive love with others.

13:05 min

Aaron mentions what Father Richard Rohr has said about replacing the word "God" with Love. Denise says that he said to replace the word God with Love for the next 50 years because it's been given such a bad wrap.

Some people have a bad connotation to love as well, but thats been egos strategies to try and get love.

14:10 min

Denise and Joe's relationship to Spirit (G od) is love.

Denise said that Joe's hugs were an experience that she has never experienced before. She felt held by the presents of love. And that was really healing for her.

As we use the word "love" rather than God, it opens us up with people. Denise and Joe desire to create the openness to receive and give love and to recognize themselves as love.

16:10 min

Who has an objection to Love? What does it look like for someone without a sense to spirituality or who might be an atheist?

Even atheists has seen some of the dangers.

There's far less objection to love. The word God has been used for a lot of manipulation and control. IF we just replace the concept with Love it will have a greater affect.

17:15 min

Denise suggests the definition of Love. Love does no harm to self or anyone else or the planet.

In relationships, Is what I'm about to do going to draw us into deeper intimacy? Or is what I'm about to do going to draw us further apart.

Instead people say, "When you do that behavior it makes me feel like shit." They think thats the path to drawing closer. But it communicates theres a problem with you.

Majority of people are too attached to their ego to handle even a little criticism. It lands on the emotional button.

Thats why its important to understand that your partner is not your problem your wound is, the thing that just got triggered. I'll go heal that and then I'll talk to you about what happened in that space.

Is it helpful or harmful? "you need to correct for me to feel good."

19:10 min

Take it to a conversation with the true identity, which is truth. Not the false identity which is constantly trying to defend itself.

If you feel the urge to defend yourself, You're in ego. If you're offended, That's ego. Which is 99% of the time. We are constantly self punishing or being offended constantly.

We wouldn't tolerate from another person the way we talk to ourselves.

20:40 min

We tolerate this within ourselves and justify it. I have a lot of evidence to support this. Be present and quiet from the stories we tell ourselves and have Self compassion and self love. That's where the healing takes place.

21:50 min

One way to imagine your inner self requires the truth. Denise asks Aaron, "If you were your nephew that was being berated the way your ego talks to you, what would you say to them?"

Aaron says, "I'd tell the friend to stop. And I would also tell my nephew you're good enough you don't need to consent to this." And by the way its not true.

23:15 min

Ego divides. Spirit units. Our ego is constantly dividing and conjuring within ourselves. Stop listening to the insane voice inside our heads.

We're so conditioned by the believe that we're not lovable or not enough.

Even when we try to get still the ego wants to blame us for being super spiritual. It's relentless.

Be still and the ego can't. Stop in your egos tracks.

Stop Listening and stand in your power. I no longer require to hear these lies.

25:05 min

Aaron Narrates

I love the point that Ego separates and spirit units. Makes me think of the phrase Love wins. So when we see relationships falling apart, countries divided, or religious organizations creating division, I wonder… is that ego or is that love? And can we heal ourselves first, and not cause as much harm towards each other by loving ourselves and saving ourselves from our own story first.. just a thought experiment I'm having right now.

25:25 min

Aaron brings up that Denise at one point said, "Now I know I'm good enough for any man." That was right before Joe proposed. She asked if Joe thought the relationship was still going to end. He said yes. She chuckled and said, "You have healed me. Now I know I am an amazing woman. I'm an amazing partner." It wasn't arrogant. Denise knew she wasn't reactive anymore.

27:45 min

Joe says to Denise, "Thank you for doing the work. Thank you for showing me the way."

Joe says it requires so much gentle tender hand holding. It took a lot to raise awareness. Have a lot of grace and compassion for yourself. Soften the hardened heart. Our ego's are fragile. We have to create a space that is safe.

29:35 min

Aaron states that Love truly creates self empowerment and empowers others. Denise says, "I don't know if you can get used to true love. It's so shocking."

This is our life and we get to enjoy it. The work is not for the faint of heart, and its not a quick fix.

Aaron brings up that true love is "Happily ever always" instead of the fairy tail, "Happy ever after."

Thanks Joe and Denise.

You can connect with Joe & Denise at thenewparadigmoflove.com

31:35 min

Aaron's Closing Narration

Thanks so much for joining me on this week's episode. You are courages for going deep and vulnerable.

Joe & Denise have an incredible story of love. My biggest take away is probably, like Joe & Denise, if you choose to look at yourself, uncover the dark corners of your heart, and choose to heal and overcome you become truly free. So start by telling your own damn truth.

We are nearing the last episodes of this first season. We have a surprise guest coming up from my backstory, so hold tight.

If you'd like to connect with Joe & Denise and get love support from them, you can find them at newparadigmoflove.com

This is episode is brought you by me, and… also Soundstripe has been so kind to offer their music on this season. If you are looking for licensable music for your video and audio content.. you can visit thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF a year of unlimited music at Soundstripe. Sweet !

You've been listening to the Kind of Love Podcast.

Thanks for stopping by.

I'm your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love to You

In Part 2 of 3 episodes we talk about the fears Joe had in the relationship, Denise being dedicated to healing herself, Aaron's fears of being in a relationship and how to approach getting past relationship fears. It's a vulnerable one.

1:15min

Aaron INTRO Narrate

Welcome back to part 2 of Joe and Denise's Love story. In this episode we are jumping into talking about fears in a relationship and stepping outside or getting past those fears. Seeing fears for the illusions that they are.

I first ask Joe about his fears in the relationship. Then I talk to Denise about how she had this unwavering dedication to heal and get out of her fears in the relationship. And by the end of the conversation, we talk about some fears I've had to face in dating. So its kind of like being in a vulnerable coaching session with all of us.

Anytime someone is on my podcast it takes a lot of vulnerability. So make sure to join us in this trust tree and open a can of vulnerability.

I think the most powerful part of this story is the contrast between Joe and Denise of their dedication to the work of healing. Getting past their ego and getting into their essence. When I say essence, I mean their truest best version of themselves. The most honest, authentic version of themselves.

Being in a relationship can sometimes be like going on a diet or starting a New Years resolution. If we say we want to have a certain relationship, or we want to be a certain way, there's incongruence there. There's this lack of alignment in what we say we want, and what we're actually doing.

So if you've ever felt stuck in a relationship, or stuck in a non-relationship and want to move forward. Or maybe you're afraid to get into a relationship, this episode will speak to you.

3:05 min

Aaron asks Joe, "Was that the commitment phobia ? What did that feel like to move into love with Denise?" Joe says it felt safe. Denise would check in on the relationship. He still felt trapped from the fear of commitment. Without a beat Joe would answer Denise that he was still planning on going to have other experiences.

5:04 min

Joe says I'm already choosing Denise every day. And that felt really good. How his resistance was hurting Denise. He questioned his ego. And then realizes I'm still say yes to this. And then wanted to take it to the next level. Once he let go of the story, it was easy to step into a commitment. And Joe got afraid again after he proposed. Denise never shamed Joe and took that to spirit to heal.

Joe saw the story as a future possible distraction. And he realized how much love he was being shown.

7:26 min

To be clear. Denise is not a doormat. She took Joe's resistance as something that was in her best interest. She said, "How do I know what's in my best interest?" She needed to trust the process. His "no" was in our best interest. "I knew I was becoming a healed powerful women."

Those wounds were being healed. And Denise was being shown what I really wanted.

9:30 min

Denise talks about Joe's "yes" also being in her best interest. And she was shocked when a proposal came. She through we going to go on as is or she was going to go on being in another relationship healed.

Denise says, "I was not a doormat. I was fully conscious of the decisions I was making. And I was making them for good reasons."

10:16 min

Aaron asks Denise, "What did it look like for you to overcome all your fear and truly heal?" For most people they might recognize our trigger. Denise talks about her triggers were not to be afraid of, but to be investigated. When Denise would get triggered by her stories, "I don't matter" and "everybody leaves me", she would investigate it as a lie. It's through knowing the truth we have freedom. If you're believing a lie theres a contraction, when you are believing the truth, it expands.

Take that to spirit, heres the lie whats the truth? Here's all of the people that still remain in my life and haven't left me.

13:20 min

Because the ego is designed to be right, it will create behaviors and patterns to make the belief true. Denise used to have a lot of behaviors that would make people not want to be around me. She thought she was being loving and supportive. And then gaining a better perspective. And understanding that what I'm doing is recreating my story over and over. So to have a new story, she had to tell another story, and I have to do different behaviors to get the story to be true.

14:30 min Music and Narrate

What a level of vulnerability it takes to acknowledge and be honest with yourself? That takes true humility. How often does that show up in your world and in your life were you tell yourself a story that just isn't true? It shows up and manifests int different ways.

I love when Denise talks about when she thought she was helping people, but she was actually pushing them away. The irony is interesting, but thats really backwards. The ego can be tricky. We create our own problems in the relationship and we do it unconsciously. We don't even think about it. We think we're doing something great, but our motives are totally off.

By simply checking in with our intentions we can alter our experience. It moves through the lies and the illusions that we tell ourselves. Changing the driving force from fear to good intentions. You could call that love.

15:38 hr

Denise talks about more traditional relationships like like dating. They are anxious about how they're BEING. We bring in stories in to the date. The conversation is motivated by fear.

16:22 min

But what if we enter the conversation through a completely different door. One that's about the other person. Say something like, "I'm just here to learn about you."

16:55 min

Denise talks about going into dating trying to GIVE rather than trying to get and figure it all out. Aaron knows that that's been his strategy. Denise hit a point about what Aaron notes trying to find the one. What he calls relationship OCD. Aaron talks about going on dates, being present, and not go to that conversation of wondering if their "the one."

17:49 min

Denise says, "What if YOU'RE the one?" And not, "is she the one?". And maybe not the one forever, but at least for tonight to bring some love into her life. Aaron says, "Sounds sexy."

18:20 min

Denise talks about a man that healed heal a women by making it about her. It was both sexual and healing. Denise says we require different things. Its not a one size fits all. There's different ways people need to heal.

19:40 min

Aaron talks about leaning into a different fixation where he looks at a better future outcome where there isn't a problem. It's just a gift and an opportunity.

20:10 min

Aaron talks about how far he's come in this conversation. He jokes about Joe and Denise being "Love Sherpas". The Sherpa can only bring you up the mountain as far as he's gone. Joe and Denise have become Aaron's #RelationshipGoals as he has wanted to create or make or have the experience of true love, rather than the ego love he's been chasing.

21:15 min

Aaron speaks about his fears. Aaron describes his ego story of "not being enough" or "it not working out" and the fear of success. Aaron talks about it almost being easier being disappointed. That becomes whats comfortable is things not working out. Denise asks Aaron, what does "it not working out" give you? There's a reward.

22:20 min

Denise says its interested that we get addicted to our experiences. We get a hit. What is that hit? It's apart of a cycle which supports a story.

Aaron says it keeps him safe from being hurt. We have the choice to keep suffering. It's the hardest thing Aaron has worked on getting over. And he says this holiday season he's going out on dates. And discovering for himself. Aaron says, "I know I'm a safe person. But when ever I'm in an ego conversation I'm really just running from myself." Now I've been taught the tools. I've gone up the mountain. Aaron is going to keep going.

25:05 min

This path requires a lot of courage. Denise says, "It's a trading of uncomfortableness." Its trading whats familiar, for what you don't know. Aaron wants to stay in the familiar and being alone for what he doesn't know. There's something that Aaron's not giving himself permission.

What the ego makes up is that its going to be far worse. Its stays in the familiar uncomfortable zone, rather than the UNFAMILIAR uncomfortable zone which is like being on offense. Get away from being on defense where you never get the goal, and be on offense. You may get knocked down but you'll get to the goal eventually.

26:42 min

Aaron talks about playing small and playing "not to loose." Aaron compares it to folding on poker game on every hand. "I've got a full house, but I'll just fold cause their might be pain and stuff on the other side."

27:23

In closing Denise brings up the conversation of pain. She asks, "Why do we give it so much value like its something to be avoided at ALL costs? It's not that big of a deal." Joe says. "Thats what we teach, that everything we want is on the other side of fear."

28:10 Aaron's Ending Narration

The ego is a funny thing. It's strategy always seems to be going through the back door trying to get something else it thinks it has control over. But it doesn't have any control over it. But what you really want is right there in front of you, yet we decide to take the ego's route every time. We do this to try and get what we want rather than just surrendering to what might be better for us.

What might be better is staring your fear in the face and disarming your fear. Which means disarming yourself. When you're able to see the fear as an illusion, you're able to do something different.

Stay tuned for the 3rd part of this conversation with Joe and Denise on how we can see pain and learn to move away from our egos strategies. What's outside of these strategies is personal growth in our relationships. And that erosional growth is spiritual growth.

Thanks for listening all of our music is brought to you by Soundstripe music. Soundstripe offers a year of unlimited music. You can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF a year subscription.

This is The Kind of Love Podcast.

Thank you so much for listening.

I'm your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love to You.

1:15 min Aaron Narrates

Welcome back to the kind of love podcast. I'm your love coach Aaron. What are we telling ourselves in our love story? What are you telling yourself in your love story?

When I first worked with my coach, she told me to change the station. Our mind actually works in story form. And we play out the same thoughts on a daily bases. And if we really want something to shift and change in our life, like our love story. We really have to change or thoughts about things.

I don't know if you've ever met someone who has a story loop, they call it a feedback loop in your head that keeps playing over and over again. The person keeps talking about the same thing. You offer them advice. And then you go a little go a little crazy because they keep talking about the same thing. Well I was that person for a little while. And it wasn't until the moment when I was trying to rethink and change myself. This was a defining moment with my new friend Abby, who I call an emotional guide, because she came in and offered me a gift of this song that really helped me see clearer in that story loop.

They say the first stage of grief is denial. And when someone in your life dies, its hard to accept that they are gone. And when your relationship passes on sometimes you become in denial that its really over. You make excuses and you talk about things over again like thats going to change something. It doesn't change anything. You just need to snap out of it.

Well this profane rap song by Big Sean that we talk about, actually helped me snap out of the story loop that I was in.

I want to clarify, because this song is so polarizing. You could almost misinterpret my reaction as me flicking off my ex and telling her to screw off. But it wasn't really about that, it was about me creating a boundary. And that boundary was the first rock across the river of awareness and stepping into true love that I needed.

We can only change what we are aware of. I had to realize that I wasn't loving myself by being in a love addiction. I needed to become healthy. I needed to stop giving my power away to somebody else. So thats the truth that I saw in this song that we'll talk about. I have nothing but kindness and respect for my Ex's, but I also needed to grow up.

So what radio station are you playing in your head. What story loop are you on? What frequency are you tuned into? And if for some reason your offended by cursing maybe wear some ear muffs, because this is what snapped me out of the sinking hole of misery that I was in.

The Conversation

4:25 min

It all started when Abby and Aaron first met and she told Aaron, "I feel your pain right now and I'm going to play you a song. Stop everything! This is what you need in your life right now." They ran into each other years later and Aaron told Abby that Big Sean's "I Don't F*ck with you, changed his life."

6:20 min

Abby and Aaron talk about how bazarre the song is. Aaron talks about how he's an adult and sometimes he says the "F" word.

7:20 min

Aaron says the f word when it makes sense. He talks about how cursing can sometimes be an emotional release. You can't suppress things in the body, you're eventually going to explode. Yelling out can be cathartic.

8:25 min

Back to the song. Aaron listens to the song and his mind explosions. It snaps him out of his love trance. Aaron says, "That's the thing I needed to hear!" Abby talks about how Aaron was being too nice and it was hurting him. Aaron was giving his Ex the benefit of the doubt, too much. Abby says that Aaron needed to put up a boundary.

10:00 min

Aaron hadn't forgiven himself. Aaron almost gave her to much credit. He was in a victim mentality, and thats how he stayed stuck.

10:20 min

Abby says, "You put the blame on yourself." We take that on because we want to justify why we dated someone.

10:50 min

Aaron released it takes two to tango. Your relationship is always a dance. This girl just needs attention, and for women sometimes needing attention becomes the love addiction. Abby mentions Charlie Poofs "You just want my attention, you don't ant my heart. "

11:55 min

So even though the song is ridiculous. Aaron wouldn't call her up and tell her she's a stupid ass bitch. But there was some truth that Aaron needed to hear and stop playing her game. Abby says "You needed the frame of reference shift."

12:35 min Aaron Narrate

This really shows how "stuck" I was. I was in the "stuckness" of blaming myself. It became apart of the addiction. And my smallness complex just kept me playing small. But I was tuned into the wrong channel. The wrong radio station was playing. I needed to reframe and shift what I was telling myself.

13:10 min

Aaron and Abby don't get how big Sean's creative process works. What was Big Sean thinking when he wrote that song?

13:50 min

Aaron would love for John Cusack and Jim from Jimmy Eat World to be on the podcast. They have also been emotional guides in his love story.

It comes down to the messages that we are telling ourselves. When Aaron met Abby, she gave him the truth love bomb he needed.

15:30 min

Aaron clarifies that he doesn't hate his ex girlfriend. Its all in observant love. This was a self acknowledgement. It wasn't about her it was about Aaron.

16:00 Aaron now sees all of his relationships as a gift. If something offends him, that trigger or behavior can teach him more about himself.

16:30 min

Abby notes that Aaron and his "nice guy" feedback loop is similar to girls who get into a feedback loop of an attention game. And it gives the girl who's just looking for attention a validation to keep doing it.

17:00 min

Abby talks about boundaries. They are often misunderstood as a sign of unkindness or that the person is being mean. We can forgive someone and still have boundaries.

17:30 min

Aaron comments back that the addiction then becomes "I need approval from other people." Abby seconds that with, "We're not saying she's a F*cking Bitch. What we're saying is that you needed to hear this song to get out of the loop." Aaron needed to be clear about his boundaries.

18:00 min

Abby thinks sometimes people try to be manipulative about boundaries and they say things like "You're hurting me." But thats not true. Boundaries are good for both parties. And Aaron really needed one.

18:05 min

Aaron shares his panick attack story. Aaron didn't know what to do. Aaron had separation anxiety. Aaron was quitting the relationship and going with withdrawals. He invited his ex over and it calmed him down. They didn't make it about getting back together.

20:10 min

Aaron learned to set boundaries, and stop reaching out to her. I'm ok. Be a mini buddha. You need to fall in love with yourself and be ok with myself, cut the neediness

21:00 min

Abby talks about the difference between wanting to be in a relationship because you can't be alone, and actually wanting to be someone.

21:40 The withdrawal period is like quitting smoking. Aaron had lost some of his identity and a way of defining himself. Abby mentions that you also loose biological responses withdrawing from a relationship.

22:25 min Aaron Narrate

Love addiction is the biggest thing that I overcame. One friend told me, "Hey man it's like you want to go on a diet but you keep going back to the same restaurant that serves pizza, and other bad foods. " Because I just needed that fix for a while. When I quite smoking, I also quit my ex-girlfriend. And to clarify, it was that I quit my attachment to her. I really overcame needing somebody.

It's this neediness in relationships that we get so attached to that person that we don't know who we are anymore without that person. Thats what you would describe as co-dependency.

But when you think about it in terms of attachment, you really start to separate yourself in a healthy way. Whats me? What am I responsible for? What are they responsible? What am I creating in the in-between space?

So the practice of non-attachment becomes "I love you. I'm into you. And I really like being around you. But I don't necessarily HAVE to have you to be ok with myself." And thats where true self-love comes back in.

23:45 min

We've all broken up with someone and called them back, right? You know, call them, text them, write letters, or maybe you've been like Aaron and written sad bastard songs.

23:30 min

You can listen to pop culture and be empowered or you can have unrealistic expectation. Abby Listened to RomComs and thought the guy was going to show up on her door step. As a woman I had expectation on how love was suppose to go.

25:55 min

Abby sent the love letter. She thought grand gestures were important, but that doesn't always work. Be consistent, and be honest in a relationship. Not just expect someone is going to show up for you based on one gesture.

25:30 min

Abby adds that in her marriage now, she has to say what she needs. And she has to ask for honest. Her husband had to tell her that she needed to share how she felt. He can't anticipate all your needs. 27:20 min

Abby and her husband were long distance. You have to really choose the other person when you are in a long distant relationship.

27:45 min

There are two things Aaron wants to be clear on when he knows its not just a fling. He says, " One, I want to see you naked at some point, and also I want to see you the next day." Because then you start to decide to choose that person today, and then choose them tomorrow. And then choose them the day after that and so on…

28:20 Abby says that if you're honest, all the assumptions and weird expectations are cut out. Either its happening or it's not. Aaron mentions there's endorphins that go off when you are honest and direct.

29:00 If your'e wondering "What should I text him?" Exactly what you just said out loud and were honest about. Be your authentic self.

29:55 min

Aaron thought a date was cute, but she said "actually I wasn't feeling it" Aaron said. God bless you. IT was like a splash a water in the face.

30:30 min

Aaron has worked on not filling in the gap with text messaging. It's like what Aziz Ansari said, "what did you put your phone in a locker and go ride a roller coaster ?"

31:30 min

If she never messaged Aaron back, Aaron would have said, "Hey I was really interested, are you open to going out again?" In the past Aaron would have stayed silent and beat himself up, or did another move to get her attention which would have sucked.

32:45 min

Aaron says, " I could have gone into needy behavior. But instead, now I'm good on my own. I don't really need this girl."

33:10 min Aaron Narrates

So this is why I think intentional dating is so important. Intentional dating turns into an intentional relationship. You're choosing that person, but first you have to choose yourself. You have to choose who you are. Ground yourself in who you know you are, and who you know you want to be with.

Because I think we get into relationships and the love looks more like trading than giving. What do I mean by that? You get into relationships and after the honeymoon phase is over it becomes a trade. You do this thing for me and I'll do this thing for you. And then there becomes a stage of keeping score. Instead of freely giving who you already are. And feeling like you are who you are in the relationship.

When you start to give away parts of yourself, because someone's trying to get that from you, instead of freely give and receive. Thats when things go downhill. So ground yourself in your intention of who you want to be in the relationship.

And always check in with that. Let that be a compass. for who you are. You'll never loose yourself. You'll always be in the love story that you actually want to be in.

34:30 min

Abby used to be afraid of hearing a "no" in a relationship, but now sees that there is a lot of power in a "no". People are afraid to say a yes or a no. Aaron compares dating to Netflix searching. "I'm five minutes in and this episode sucks. What about the next one?" Or maybe you get to the climax but your scared of the ending so you bounce.

33:45 min

The stories we get into.. "if I saw her walking down the street, I would have judged her differently, but then I got in a conversation with her, and wished I would have ask her out."

35:15 min

We have so much comparison. It's easy to make a snap shot judgement. Not do anything about it, or let go of your judgements and be open to possibilities. Not everyone see dating that way. Most people are no thank you, next song.

37:40 min

Aaron states that true love can be hard, its easy to swipe left and swipe right and play into the physiology of dating apps. Aaron feels exhausted on dating apps.

38:40 min

It's easy to type cast someone. But we are kind of all ignorant on whats good for us until we ask ourselves.

39:15 min

At one point Aaron had two ex girlfriends texting him at the same time. A friend said to him, it seems like you date girls with low emotional IQ. Abby tells Aaron that you want to hold out for people that are on the same level as you, someone thats going to be a sounding bored. Someone thats going to work on things together.

40:50 min

Aaron came from a divorced family and had a hard time seeing until much later that a relationship can actually be a team.

41:40 Aaron Narrates

HA ! You can actually have fun in a relationship!

Thats interesting. Synergy. Connection. Love. That's possible. I guess it's all defined by what frame you're looking through. What channel you're on.

Stay tuned for the next episode. Abby and I openly talk about being a team in a relationship, and the dynamic her and her husband have. How she brought some misconceptions and false beliefs into her story. How they weren't true. And how her and her husband overcame those things.

Thank you so much for listening to this conversation about love on The Kind of Love Podcast. If you dig the music and you want to listen to this shameless promotion. You can go to TheKindofLove.com/promo and get a 10% Discount Off a full year of unlimited licensed music at Soundstripe for.. the films you create, for the youtube videos you create, for the instagram videos you create, for the podcast you create, for the DIY at home "I love you mom" on her birthday kind of videos that you make.

I had to throw something in there about love.

Thanks for listening.

This is your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love to you !

Listeners are wondering why Aaron says the word "Story" so much on this podcast. This is an episode dedicated to explaining what "You're always telling yourself a story" actually means. Aaron addresses the way we think and feel, and how that changes the way we go into all of our experiences. It's a thing behind the thing, kind of a thing.

:25 min

Welcome back. This a solo episode where Aaron shares some ideas around love. "Love bites" you might say. Through research, therapy, and working with coached Aaron discovered that you are always telling yourself a story. This is an entire episode explain what Aaron means when he says "Story, or thats just story you've been telling yourself."

1:30 min

Aaron describes how he told himself a story for a long time. He chased perfectionism. And he had a hard time forgiving himself. He told himself for many years and in all of his relationships that "I'm just not good enough, or its just not going to be good enough." But the truth he found was that perfection is an illusion. You can only make things good, great, and really great.

3:05 min

Think of this episode like Aaron unpacking the Russian doll of the human condition. The big doll is our experiences and behaviors. The last doll is our core beliefs and core sense of self. It's like we see all of our experiences through the lens of the past traumatizing or big emotional experiences. And we bring a fear filter into all our experiences. It's like having fear goggles on, instead of love frames.

4:35 min

I'm always telling stories. You're always telling stories, We are always telling ourselves something. We bring our thoughts and our feelings into every experience. Like going to a restaurant and afterwards talking about how the chicken you had wasn't as good as another place you've been too. We are telling a story to a friend or to ourselves. We wake up telling a narrative, then we go to work. When we get home we tell a story of how our day went.

6:35 min

The question is what do you believe about yourself in that story? What was your take away? And how did that make you feel? The guy that flicked you off on the road, was that about you or about him? Aaron believe's it's always about you. You are the main character in all of your stories. So how did that story make you feel?

6:50 min

There's a quote Ghandi says about being mindful of your thoughts. We are walking thinking breathing self fulfilling prophecies. Thoughts determine words. What we say determine our actions. Our actions turn into habits. And habits determine our values and beliefs. Our beliefs determine our destiny.

8:25 min

We also believe with our emotions. Its about asking what do I feel right now? What is this story that I'm telling myself right now? We think in story loop. We find what we want to believe in that story based upon our emotional reaction. We store those events in our core memory. And those core memories or core stories really speak what are belief is about every situation we go into.

9:45 min

The practice then becomes being observant of what we are telling ourselves. And that points to what we believe about ourselves. We are the main character in all of our stories.

If you're leaving an event, what are you telling yourself afterwards.Were you excited? Did you feel bad? Did you feel alone? Did it feel like a success ? Theres many different versions of the stories we tell ourselves.

How often do you find yourself repeating these stories?

Was it just one really bad incident and everything else becomes a reminder of that story?

11:45 min

We really are the main character or common denominator in all our stories. What are you telling yourself and what does that say about you? What do you believe about that situation? If you continue to think and feel that way you'll continue to find evidence to support that story. We are always looking for whats in it for us. Thats how we survive and thrive.

13:15 min

For example, if you said " My partner just never appreciates me." Thats a belief from an outcome that happened once, and you continue to attach yourself to that story. We try to find where that shows up again. We are always just pulling from our past.

13:50 min

What is the story you want to tell yourself? Do you want to keep believing things that don't serve you? Be honest with yourself. Is that what you want? If it is, keep telling yourself that. If it isn't, then stop telling yourself that story. Thats what I came to know. If I kept living and telling a story of regret over and over, I'll continue you receive regret.

15:00 min

When we continue to repeat those stories they begin to become part of our destiny. And if you want a different experience, start telling yourself a different story. Start telling a story you do want. Literally imagine something different. Reframe your internal dialogue. If you have a painful past you'll keep talking about that, until you decide to change and heal. This is where the emotional work comes in.

16:10 min

Our emotional wounds are like our external wounds, except they're harder to see. But in the same way, if we don't slow down, and we keep agitating the wound, reminding ourselves of that wound, it won't have a chance to heal. The physical pain may have healed even, but its hard for us to get back on that bike so to speak.

17:00 min

Maybe we had a tough childhood. A lot of pain can come from childhood memories. Some people that had abusive childhoods find abusive partners or have a lot of self-abuse. There's a connection there. You get the painful story that you keep telling yourself.

Tell your brain something different. Tell your heart something different. Rethink, Reframe, reimagine, and then you'll experience something different.

18:45 min

Have you been telling yourself some stories? Have you struggled with something in life and found yourself repeating a narrative ? If so, what are those things you've been saying over and over again? Whats the feeling behind that story? Where do you want to go? What do you want to start telling yourself from now on?

19:25

Thanks for listening to this solo episode. I hope everything I've learned can help and guide you to think and choose for yourself, what kind of story you want to be in. Who you want to love and whats the kind of love you want to create in all your relationships.

19:10 min

And a nod to our sponsors Soundstripe Music. If you need a lot of music for your video or podcast creations, you can go to thekindoflove.com/prome and get 10% Off a year subscription to unlimited music. You can use the music to elevate your story.

Thanks for listening.

I'm your Coach, Aaron.

Best of Love to you!

Aaron dates the girl he thought was the one, but it just didn't work out. He ends up breaking up with someone he didn't want to break up with. Aaron became fully aware there was a pattern he had, an internal core belief causing the frustration in his relationship. He had to let go and move forward.

One nice girl, one mean girl, and some other funny ones. Aaron has to go through a tough relationship to realize he's worth way more.

1:31 min - Aaron Narrates

Did you have those relationships where you look back and realize, man I was a real turd? "I did not make great decisions." I had to really look back and ask, "Why was I drawn to someone that treated me like I was worthless? Why didn't I listen to my friend? Why did I have the blinders on? What's the deal Aaron? Come on man. "

You know when someone is wrong for you when you completely loose yourself over them. You compromise yourself, your identity, for them. And you don't even listen to your close friends that care about you.

In this episode we talk about some weird stories and I how I came to more awareness about myself.

2:30 min - Josh was an instigator. He told Aaron to kiss this girl. At this point josh becomes more of a close friend than a mentor. Aaron did it and it worked.

4:25 Josh told Aaron, you just need to go make out with that girl and tell her "Josh Hernandez told me to do this" and then kiss her. It worked.

5:20 min - Aaron goes to Seatle to record with a band. She was kind of a fan of the band Aaron was playing for and Aaron wasn't really that into it.

5:50 min Josh's dad said, what's wrong with you guys? where's all your girlfriends? Thats the one shred of information that helped Josh.

7:10 min - Josh isn't a relationship guru. Josh and his wife are a success story. No one told Aaron he should just date. He had to figure it out for himself

7:30 min - Our brains are detectives to find the story that supports their belief. "I have to find the one" or "relationships don't work out for me." The stories that are fear based and wounded beliefs.

8:30 min - Josh had to encourage Aaron. Sarah was the first chance at simply dating without a ton of pressure. Could've of been the love Aaron wanted.

9:35 min - It was the kindness that Aaron wanted. Instead, Aaron was attracting girls that put him down.

10:00 min- Jump to Nashville. Josh and Aaron were roommates. There was the girls that they had funny names for them. The names always connects with why Aaron can't see himself liking them. Josh would say, "Why don't you like her?" Aaron had weird quirks. This girl, Aaron said she had a funny face, but Josh said "It's a funny face photo", like the kind of photo where everyone intentionally makes a funny face. So they nicknamed her "Funny Face Photo."

13:00 min - Aaron had some hang ups. Aaron was still struggling to simply date. Aaron was just scared to date someone. "Its not the one." So Aaron would

13:40 min - Then there was the girl "Sleepy time", she was more into Aaron than Aaron was into her. Aaron

14:40 min - Aaron Narrates

Josh was a really good observer of my past dating life… if you want to call it that. His instigation was a good challenge for me. I really had to step into my fear. Now when I hear these stories I look and see that I was creating hang ups and making excuses for these really cool girls that you could've dated. So now when I hear excuses I see limitations, and when I see limitations I smell fear. Fear creates limitations for yourself and says to you " I can't do that. It's not going to work out. " I think that was a big unconscious story going on for me. That belief was based on a fear because I had a lot of evidence in my childhood that relationships don't work. They're messy. People can't be on the same script. So I had that fear and story going on for me. It was hard for me to see a relationships work out. What does a successful relationship look like? I didn't know at the time. Now I know if I keep holding onto that belief that relationships don't work out, I'm going to keep receiving that. I'm going to keep getting that. I'm going to keep creating that in my life. Instead of changing my perspective, reframing it, and see that relationships can work out. You can going out with someone and just have a good time. And not make anything else out of it.

16:40 min - Aaron's first real girlfriend in Nashville. "Amanda" Unconsciously Aaron was thinking "that girl looks miserable I should go over there and talk to her" It was like Aaron went back in time.

17:30 min - Amanda was a miserable person. She lived with the cold shoulder. Aaron was also in the dark ages. The winter of Aaron's discontent. She sucked for Aaron.

18:10 min - Josh explains that this was a hard relationship for their friendship. Josh didn't like the way she treated Aaron. But they were almost not friends.

19:00 min - Josh expressed his opinion as if Aaron and him are brothers . He said to Aaron, "You shouldn't date that girl."

20:00 min - Josh calls Aaron's ex out at a bar. Aaron left the table. Aaron's Ex said to Josh with a dead pan, "I know that you don't like me." Josh said back, "I've know Aaron for a long time. He's a good person. I just want him to be with someone who is as good as he is."

22:00 min - Josh explains how Amanda made Aaron feel worthless. But Aaron had a role to play in that. The unconscious story of someone needing to punish Aaron. Josh says, "She was just mean man! I didn't understand if you liked someone why you would be that mean."

24:30 min - It was like Aaron went back in time and dated someone mean and young, like a young teenager. Aaron describes her as a young bulldozing firecracker of meanness.

24:50 min - In fairness, Josh mentions that there was probably something that happen to Amanda that lead her that place. And also there were things that lead Aaron to that place to be treated that way.

25:00 min - Aaron Narrates

In this story with Amanda, it really shows me that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships. I really bring into the relationship what I want and what I see. Usually we are basing that on our past. We recreate the future with the knowledge that we have of our past.

Why would I get back into a relationship where someone was giving me the cold shoulder, mean, unkind, and kind of upstaged anybody else that had been mean to me?

Why would I do that? A belief system. A false belief about myself. Josh said it when he said, She made me feel like I was worthless. It was like I allowed that. I gave her consent to make me feel worthless. And that was a smallness complex.

What Josh said to me fell on deaf ears. He was trying to help me. He wasn't trying to control the situation. He was just being honest. But I had to suffer some more. I had blinders on. I think we can take the blinders off. I think we can not deny ourselves who we really are. But I had to waste more time and be in a relationship with someone that didn't see me for who I really am. And didn't treat me that way.

But now I have the choice. Now I've empowered myself to be in a relationship who simply loves me for who I am.

And if you're struggling with this, it comes from a common denominator belief about yourself. And when you change what you believe about yourself, when you change that story, you start showing up differently and attracting the people that you want to have in your life. That's holding true self-love.

27:05 min - josh says that he couldn't understand why Aaron would do that, but it was just something Aaron had to go through. Aaron played the victim. They met at a coffee shop to talk it out. Aaron tried to put it on Josh. Aaron said, " I don't think you want me to be happy." Which was a projection. Josh said back, "She isn't nice to you. If you want to date her that's fine, but don't tell me I don't want you to be happy." Josh wanted Aaron to be happy, and there's no way she's making Aaron happy.

29:15 min - Aaron had to teach himself. He felt the need to suffer. There wasn't anything conscious going. Aaron thought he could save her. Aaron played the hero therapist boyfriend complex and tried to fix Amanda.

30:05 min - To be clear Aaron explains that you can't fix anyone. You can't save anyone they have to save themselves. You can't control anyone. You can't make your partner happy, they have to make themselves happy. If you are happy on your own, you come together and if they're happy thats just a plus.

30:30 min- Josh's friends advice. "You know it's right when the compromises you make are small." You're not changing your values. You're not changing your beliefs. It's a little selfish to change the core of who you are. You're not changing your values.

34:35 min- Josh's advice fell on deaf ears for Aaron. Aaron was trapped in a dark age. Josh calls Aaron's brother and tells him Aaron's girlfriend sucked.

35:50 min - We go into our relationships with our own set of eyes. And if we're not clear, its not the kind of love we want.

36:40 min - the dynamic didn't work. Aaron was in a dark time. What they brought to the table wasn't the right ingredients.

37:05 min -Aaron compares it to High Fidelity. Part of Aarons life is lived out by John Cusack movies.

38:00 min - Aaron's love story was like Forrest and Jenny. Aaron had the savior complex. A lot of guys have the savior complex.

38:40 min - Amanda ended pourly, but then a girl came in that was pretty cool and Aaron loved her a lot. To be continued…

39:00 Aaron's Recap

You can see how the story kept playing out for me. I either ran and hid from possible girls, or I walked straight into a story of misery. But I love what Josh said about not compromising the small things. You shouldn't have to change for someone one. In fact now I believe you should feel and be your truest self. Your partner should actually be a team player and encourage you in who you are. They should add to your relationship not take away. They should reflect back and highlight the best parts of you, not make you smaller for their benefit. This is Childs play.

If I may point out a red flag here. Whenever your friends who care about you are telling you something, it might be helpful to listen. Also, when you just feel like you can't be yourself.. also listen careful at the conversations going on. You should never have to change for someone. And if you want to change, do it for yourself. Don't try to be the hero.

How we see ourselves in the relationship is so important. Empower yourself with choice. Choose to be the best version of yourself, THEN you will attract the kind of person that values the same things as you do.

On the Next Episode we'll be talking about a relationship that unfortunately just didn't work out. And, how I sabotaged it a little bit by continuing to break up and get back together again over and over. And it's as confusing and as much as a love conundrum as it sounds.

But it was another stepping stone across the sometimes confusing river that I had to cross and then become aware of the love story that I now want to create.

I'd like to thank Soundstripe for sponsoring. They are a great source for music that adds the finishing touch to your content.

Go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF to a year subscription of unlimited music at Soundstripe.

Keep creating content, but mainly keep creating the love experiences you want to have.

I'm your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love To You

From Aaron caring about what she looks like, to having a savior complex, and then getting passed trying to find "the one".

On this first Episode we are going to be unpacking some stories of mine that are what I like to call a weird haunted past. And, How I came to a greater awareness in love. How I had to shift and reframe my now love story.

And to help me do that I've invited my good friend, Josh Hernandez. He has been a long time friend, a buddy, at one time a church mentor. He's known me since I'v been dating. He's been a constant in my life. Welcome Josh Hernandez, and some weird stuff about me.

When we're motivated by love rather than fear the story begins to shift and change.

This is a shout out to anyone who's struggled in toxic relationships or had self-sabotaging behaviors that have led them to the love they DON'T want.

Join Aaron in the journey of deconstructing love, then reframing and reimagining the love that you DO want.