Hold on tight, spider monkeys!! Today we’re talking about the greatest love story of all time: Twilight. We fawn over Edward, decide which powers we’d have and what animals we’d hunt (respectfully), and share our favorite moments from this truly perfect and completely unproblematic masterpiece. Haley is dressed up with a deep widow’s peak, and Jake has used all of her highlighter to glow like a vampire for the special occasion.

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Buckle up, baby!! Haley and Jake are back to talk about their most dangerous days on the road: being sixteen-year-old drivers. Haley recounts having her first kiss on her 16th birthday, and Jake talks about renting out the fire department for his party. They cover the fashion, music, and excessive perfume use of that era. Then, Jake humbly shares his story of being in The Hunger Games.

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Today, we have our first guest speak-lore! (like, speaker) (we have a guest). Our friend Maddie Regent is here to discuss all things video games! Important topics covered include: Mario, mods, and making the Sims… kiss ;)

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Check out Maddie’s debut album:

https://open.spotify.com/album/0YqHXyPCDqplEwew9NpP9k?si=Xl6q1oTgSlGxlvlwFfOzNw

Your modern day Bonnie and Clyde are back and more vulnerable than ever to share stories of their time doing teenage crime. Confessions include Haley’s one night as a vandal, Jake’s hometown egging, and their terrifying run-ins with the law. Btw, nothing we say can literally ever be used against us in court, fyi. Ever.

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It’s been a long time coming… Today, Haley and Jake celebrate reaching their 13th episode by talking about their favorite, most beloved fake southerner: Taylor Swift. We share our stories of discovering blondie, go through every era and our favorite moments, and yeah, we’re in costumes while we do it! The most fun we’ve ever had. Sorry to our grandmas whose episode used to be the longest. But they didn’t write folklore.

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Welcome back! Despite meeting in drama school, Haley and Jake have never shared their paths to getting there. Today, they finally swap audition stories and catch up on everything they missed in that one year of college that they weren’t together (Jake’s older than Haley and finally ready to talk about it). Haley reminisces on acquiring a taser and living with her RA. Then, Jake tells his most heroic story yet: finding an “appropriate” adult film for a religious friend freshman year.

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Time to lock in! Today, Haley and Jake return to their happy place as they recount the wonders of childhood gym class. Haley talks about learning archery, getting checked for lice at PE, and her dream of participating in just one more field day. Jake tells the story of “saving” his diabetic gym teacher and gossiping with the girls in the outfield. We recommend listening to Eye of The Tiger after this.

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For God so loved the world, She gave Her one gay son and short thot daughter TEN episodes of this podcast! Jake and Haley celebrate reaching their double digit milestone by sharing their personal Ten Commandments to live by. Today’s sermon stresses the importance of NEVER buying your friend a gift, NEVER letting anyone stop you from being cringe, and NEVER EVER texting people back.

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Welcome to your half-hour stay at The White Loretus! Your favorite hotel managers Jake & Haley have planned a fun-filled itinerary that includes:

• ​ Bonding over a mutual love of tv and movie spoilers
• ​ Discussing favorite seasons and characters from The White Lotus (Theo James, Theo James, Theo James)
• ​ Sincerely manifesting being cast on Survivor

Complimentary laughs and dreams are shared. Don’t forget to leave us a 5⭐️ review before you check out!

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It’s no surprise that our longest episode to date is about the beloved women who first raised, spoiled and ❤️manipulated❤️ us: our precious southern grandmothers. Haley talks about her nanna’s many boyfriends, including a young man named PeeWee, and Jake reminisces on his grandma lovingly gifting him a Barbie Dream Jet. It’s a pleasure to share the stories of the ladies who made us… any problem you have with us is all their fault, btw.

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