What do you do if you’re getting married but at the same time scared to get married? 

I remember we once coached a young couple who came to us 4-5 months prior to their already scheduled wedding. They came to us because she in particular was getting very cold feet about getting married. They both still had questions they felt weren’t answered and issues they were worried about getting worse if they did go through with the marriage. 

If that’s you, here’s the first thing we’d tell you: Don’t feel bad if you’re feeling scared or having concerns. Getting married is a big deal, so don’t make up that there’s something wrong with you, your spouse-to-be or your relationship. 

In fact, having “second thoughts”, i.e. some form of fear or concerns can lead to important discoveries that can end up improving your upcoming marriage (or in some cases, stopping you from getting married to a partner who’s not the best match for you). 

So for starters, examine what exactly you’re scared of or concerned about. Is it about …  

- Marriage itself (the whole idea of marriage)? 

Whatever your specific concerns are, you want to take a look at those. 

Commitment is great and admirable, but it’s also worth listening to your fears and hesitations before you commit. To this day, Sonika & I have an operating agreement that we don’t move forward with any significant changes in our lives before we’re both on the same page about it. Getting married definitely falls into the category of “significant changes”, so take the time to examine this. 

Another perspective on commitment is that you’re not just committing to your future spouse, but to yourself and your own ability to deal with what comes up. You’re in effect saying to yourself, “I trust that I and we will be able to handle any conflict and difficulty that shows up on in our relationship and our life”.

If for some reason, you’re not ready to make that commitment, you want to know why. 

To get more specific, ask yourself this question: 

“What would I need to see change - with my partner, myself and/or our relationship - for me to enthusiastically say YES to marriage?”

For example, some of the couples we’ve coached answered this question like this … 

- I need us to work out our financial agreements and how we deal with money

Each of your answers to this question will be an item on your to-look-at-list. Once you have that list, reach out to us for coaching, or use a friend or trusted mentor if you need more help. Whatever you do, don’t just ignore your concerns and blow right past them.

Having fears and concerns about getting married is just like any other fear or concern that will show up in your marriage? As a couple, how would you like to see you deal with conflicts, fears, and concerns? Do you want you to ignore them and not say anything? Or do you want to have a relationship where you can safely share your concerns and help each other find solutions and peace of mind? 

I’m guessing the latter. And that process starts right now, not after your tie the knot.

PS. If what you need to work includes making apologies for past breakdowns, check out our mini-workshop for couples, How To Make An Apology That Works: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-make-an-apology-that-works 

What do you do when your wife or husband tells you they want a divorce? 

Given that divorce rates in the US are still between 40-50 % for first marriages, and higher still for  second and third ones, If we get married at any point in our lives, there’s pretty much a 50-50 chance we’ll hear those words from our spouse. 

Perhaps you’ve seen it coming.

Perhaps you’ve seen and experienced the telltale signs of a marriage breaking down for years, such as arguing, criticism, contempt, silent treatment, lack of intimacy, declining frequency of sex, or the feeling of being room mates who go about your day-to-day business efficiently but without the depth and romance of lovers. 

On the other hand, you might not have seen it coming at all, and when your wife or husband told you they want a divorce, it hit you like a knife in the heart and you could scarcely believe your own ears. 

Either way, it’s a painful place to be and what you and your partner choose to do with that situation will have long-lasting consequences that will impact both of you and any children you have. 

In this episode, we’re not trying to cover every aspect of impending divorce. It’s a process that requires careful attention and competent guidance. We do want to share some useful insight and tips that will hopefully help you as you move forward. 

When your spouse says the D-word, you can’t yet know where the process is going to end. It’s natural that you’ll be very eager, even desperate, to answer all the associated questions such as, are we going to divorce or make it; how are we going to tell the kids; where are the kids going to live and go to school; who gets the house; how am I going to deal with finances; what about the retirement accounts, and many more. 

If you were surprised by your wife or husband  declaring they want a divorce, remember that they have a long time to think and process before saying something to you. It’s as if they have a month or year-long head start over you in the process. So it’s natural and totally understandable if you too are going to need some time to process the news. 

Listen to she 7-minute episode for the rest of the tips (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZO4VuhREvc

One of the central tips in this video is to offer/share apologies with your wife or partner. Saying "I'm sorry" is never sufficient, sometimes even worse than nothing. 

To learn a complete 6-step apology, visit our virtual mini-workshop for couples, How To Make An Apology That Works, here: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-make-an-apology-that-works 

One of the questions we often hear from singles is “How do I say no to a second date?”

You might have been there. You’ve been on a first date with someone. Maybe it was nice enough, maybe not. The person you were dating really wants a second date, but you’re not so sure about that. Or maybe you’re absolutely sure you DON’T want a second date, you’re just sure how to say it.

What’s nice about you asking How to say no to a second date, is that it demonstrates that you care. You probably know that lots of people don’t care about that at all and just move right along or ghost their partner. Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of that? So good for you for caring enough to ask this question.

We always figure it’s worth acting towards your dates as you would like your dates to act towards you, and that goes whether or not you want to see that person again.

In our work, we consider even a coffee date a relationship, albeit a very short one. Even a short relationship is an opportunity for you to show up as the kind of person you would like to be in relationship. Every date, every relationship, brief or long lasting, is practice for your next relationship.

I still remember the first time I used what we’re about to suggest to you. I’d been on a date with a nice woman, but afterwards I did not want to go on a second date. The truth was I was interested in someone else, and I didn’t want to be dating two people at the same time.

So I called her up (this was before messaging and dating apps, we actually met in a bar).

I was nervous and expecting a triggered reaction, but she surprised me by thanking me for calling her and telling her this. She said no one had ever done that before. I, in turn, was grateful for her kind response to my phone call.

We had a nice chat and that was that. We both left feeling good. Best of all, I felt free and clear to pursue the date I was interested in.

So here’s what we recommend you say when you want to say no to a second date. You can of course modify as you please but try it out.

You start with an appreciation, then you say that you’re not inspired to set up another date, but you’ll let him or her know if that changes.

For example, what I said on the phone was, “Thanks for a really nice time, I enjoyed getting to meet you. I’m not inspired to set up more dates for now” If you like, you can add, “but I’ll absolutely let you know if that changes”. There was more small talk around the edges, but this is the essence of it.

Appreciate and acknowledge the other person and/or their good intent, then say no thanks. Simple, direct, and kind.

Try it out and see how it goes.

If you'd like an opportunity to connect with other conscious singles, you might like our 75-minute mini-workshop, Singles Connecting in Corona Times. We set up a safe, facilitated space for you get to connect with other singles in a fun and meaningful way.

Learn more here: https://loveworkssolution.com/singles-connecting-in-corona-times

How do you get anger in a relationship under control?

That's a very big topic. In this short episode, we’re giving you a few important pieces of background about anger plus one simple tip to use when you or your partner get angry.

If anger turns to abuse or violence, get help immediately.

Relationships don’t get angry, people do. But relationships suffer from the impacts of people’s anger.

Simmering anger, yelling, cursing, muttering under the breath … over time this creates an environment of fear and distrust.

I can still remember the feeling I had a kid when my dad was angry. Even if he was outside, and I was inside, I still could feel it, afraid of what might happen if it got worse.

Sometimes anger seems to stem from a direct source, FX you got angry because your partner called you a derogatory name, or I get angry because my body breaks down so I can’t do what I want to do.

Sometimes anger is a habitual response to any form of discomfort. FX, you might notice, as has been true about me, that you get angry when you feel scared, sad, hurt or insecure. I’ve talked to a lot of men who, like me, have learned that anger is a more acceptable feeling to display than sadness or fear or insecurity, so without thinking we overlay these other feelings with anger. To those around a person like that, it simply seems to them that he angry all the time, because his habitual response to any sort of discomfort or uncertainty is anger.

Whatever the apparent source of anger, it can almost always be boiled down to one simple thing: A person gets angry when there’s something they want that they’re not getting, or that they think they can’t get.

An angry person is almost always thinking, consciously or unconsciously, to themselves, “I’m not gonna get what I want … I never get what I want”.

Think about it … Listen to the whole episode to get the rest (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGVpbe52df0)

Of course, anger and hurt in relationship are to be expected. That’s why we designed a 90-minute mini-workshop for couples to address that very topic. It’s called How To Stay In Love, Even When You Get Hurt Or Angry.

In this workshop, you’ll experience and learn …

• Deep connection with your partner

It’s designed for you to be able to do in one morning and then get on with your day.

Learn more here: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-stay-in-love/

During my years of relationship coaching, I can’t tell you how many men have said something like this to me: “If only I had a bullet point list of what do do to make her happy”.

In this 4-minute videos, I’ll give you just that, a bullet list with 6 points for what to do to make your wife or partner happy. Of course, you have to actually DO it to ever find out if it works, and not just once, but as an ongoing practice of relating.

With no further ado, we’re jumping right in.

#1 Engage in the relationship.

We men have a tendency to think that once we’ve gotten into a relationship, or once we’ve gotten married, we’re done. In the back our minds, we say, “Mission accomplished” to ourselves and give our attention to the next accomplishment. Nothing could be further from the truth, and the attitude of “I’m done” is responsible for countless love stories turning from sizzling hot to lukewarm to ice cold.

When there’s a kerfuffle, a conflicts, or some sort of tension and upset, don’t back away or shut down. Instead, engage. Step in, even though your natural instinct might very well be to get the heck out of there. Engage and participate actively, both in the fun and sexy parts of the relationship, as well as the tedious or tense ones.

#2 Connect. Talk. Share.

One simple way to accomplish “connection” is to talk. Share about yourself, your day, how you feel, what you dream of, and what you’re afraid of. When she asks you how your day was or how you’re doing, answer in more than one word. To this day, I still sometimes have to remind myself of this, because it is so ingrained in me to just say, “Fine. Great. I’m good”, or another one-or-two syllable response.

It’s not that I’m trying to withhold information, it’s just that to my practical brain, “Fine” is a satisfying answer to “How are you doing?”

But it does not produce a sense of connection for my wife. Connection is produced by the back-and-forth passing of something, in this case words. it’s like going out to throw a baseball with a friend. Imagine you throw it to your friend, he catches it, and then just keeps the ball. Boring game, right? To have a game, you have to keep throwing the ball between you. Same with connection and conversation with your wife. 

#3 Listen. Without taking stuff personally. Listen to the whole episode (approx. 4 minutes) to get the rest of the tips (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYzlAjRjIsQ)

And if you want to make her REALLY happy, take a small initiative that pertains directly to your relationship (per #1: Engage in the relationship).

Invite her to join you for our upcoming 90-minute mini-workshop, How To Stay In Love. It’s super easy, you do it from your couch or kitchen table. Takes the same time as a standard movie, so you still have your whole weekend.

Some of what you will learn and experience:

• Deep connection with your partner

https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-stay-in-love/

How to make your husband happy ... in 4 simple steps you can listen to in 3 minutes!

How often do spouses wonder how to make their partner happy? Do you ever wonder how to make your husband happy? Does it sometimes seem that what you’re doing must not be working, because he doesn’t seem all that happy?

(Next week, we’ll publish a post about making your wife happy)

Making your husband happy is one of those instances that often seem difficult, but at its essence is quite simple. I’ll give you a brief 4-point list for how to make him happy. Don’t take my word for; try it out and see what happens. I use all four as a permanent part of my marriage and I have a very happy husband (editor’s note: Christian here, she’s telling the truth:-)

Without further ado, here we go:

#1 Tell him he's a good man!

I have seen countless men burst into tears when they finally get to hear this from their  wife/partner. Men are working so hard to make us happy and to do the right thing, so when they get to hear “You’re a good man”, it touches them deeply.

#2 Give him points for effort.

Giving points for effort means to appreciate him for what he does do, instead of pointing out all the things he doesn’t do. It means to give appreciation even when he makes a gesture that doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to. Give appreciation for trying.

Many men have a strong internal critic, so whenever they hear even a tiny bit of criticism from you, it’s as if it invalidates everything they did do, and they end up feeling inadequate and unappreciated.

The more you appreciate your husband for what he does do, the more it inspired him to want to do more, give more, because men are motivated by the reward of appreciation and the result of you being happy.

Appreciation is more effective than criticism, only 100% of the time!

#3 Respect his choices

How often does your husband do something you simply don’t get? Where you might be shaking your head?

It’s crucial to realize that everything he does makes sense from his point of view. There is a reason for everything he does, even if you don’t understand or approve of that reason.

At the very least, when he make a choice you don’t understand, get curious about his motivations, ask him about it instead of condemning it.

#4 Share your physical affection and appreciation

When we lead our sex workshops, one of things that surprises and touches me every time is how poetic, loving and spiritual men become when they talk about what sex and physical affection gives them.

In stark contrast to the stereotype that men only want sex to “get off” or that they just want you for your body, they will describe how profoundly it touches and resets them when they get to share sex and touch with you.

So when we say yes to sex and touch, it fills them up in ways we might never understand. Plus, it feels good to us when we make love too; to get in our bodies and enjoy our sensual connection. Of course, this doesn’t mean you are somehow obligated, but say yes whenever you can. I do, and I appreciate it every time I do.

That’s it for now … if you take on these 4 simple steps you will definitely see results in terms of a happier husband.

Let me know how it goes for you.

If you have the experience that your husband/BF/partner doesn’t value you, you probably feel hurt, angry, sad, or all of them in combination.

Feeling unvalued impacts your own self esteem and spills over into the quality of your entire relationship, and you might be questioning yourself, the future of your relationship, and whether there’s something wrong with your partner, your relationship, or yourself.

Feeling unvalued by your partner can show up in a myriad of ways. Perhaps he …

Doesn’t listen to you

And that’s not an exhaustive list.

If this describes you and how you feel about your partner, what can you do?

Our first tendency when we’re not getting what we want in relationship, is to get the other person to change their behavior. In this case, you might find yourself criticizing and nagging at him way more than you like, in an attempt to get the message across that you want something to change.

When we’re unhappy with our partners, we often come at them with lists of rules for how they should behave. Whereas it’s perfectly understandable that you want his behavior to change, this approach will not give you what you want. Even if you’re 100% right about your complaints and all your friends agree with you. If that approach worked, all we needed to do to have perfect partners was to tell them exactly what they’re doing wrong and how they should behave, and we’d be done.

Listen to the full episode (or watch the video version here: https://youtu.be/-EOXgPZmAu0) 

Check out our newest virtual mini-workshop, How To Stay In Love: 

We love to feel in love. But anger and hurt can take us out of love. How do we stay in love? What keeps us in that in love state? How can we get back to love when angry? 

In this mini-workshop, uncover what produces that “in-love” feeling, and discover how to get back to love when hurt or angry.

Some of what you will learn and experience:

• Deep connection with your partner

More info and register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-stay-in-love/

10 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Have you ever found yourself in the kind of relationship where you’re asking, “Am I in a toxic relationship?” or “Is this relationship really good for me?”

Toxic relationships are often complicated by being combined with a powerful attraction. We've had clients who one day are desperate to get out of an abusive situation, but the next day can't wait to get back to their partner. It becomes like an addictive behavior where the "drug" of choice is the strong love/attraction you also feel.

Dr. Lilian Glass said back in 1995 that a toxic relationship is “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”

There are other definitions of toxic relationships, but the most important thing is that you can recognize if your relationship is one that’s not healthy for you, and then to empower you to do something about it.

We’ll offer 10 signs of a toxic relationship, plus some actions you can take to change your dynamic if you are in a relationship like this. Mind you, you don’t have to be in a relationship that can be classified as “toxic” in order for you to want to make serious changes. Whenever you feel unhappy, lonely, scared, or bored in your relationship, it’s worth getting some education and support.

#1 Physical abuse, pain, or violence

#2 Name calling, belittling, demeaning

#3 Public humiliation, spreading of negative gossip about you

Listen to the episode to hear the rest of the signs of a toxic relationship (or watch the video version here: https://youtu.be/wo6o9mmS-R8) 

About LoveWorks:

LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles.

The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more.

LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time.

* Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution

* Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

If you have the experience that your husband/BF/partner doesn’t value you, you probably feel hurt, angry, sad, or all of them in combination.

Feeling unvalued impacts your own self esteem and spills over into the quality of your entire relationship, and you might be questioning yourself, the future of your relationship, and whether there’s something wrong with your partner, your relationship, or yourself.

Feeling unvalued by your partner can show up in a myriad of ways. Perhaps he …

Doesn’t listen to you

Doesn’t tell the truth

Doesn’t prioritize you

Gives you the silent treatment

Withdraws

Offers little or no connection and communication

Gives romantic or sexual attention to other people

Belittles you, uses demeaning comments

Doesn’t spend time with you and/or your family

Speaks poorly of you in public

Ignores or doesn’t honor your boundaries

Doesn’t include your opinions and concerns

Offers little or no appreciation, affection, or loving gestures.

And that’s not an exhaustive list.

If this describes you and how you feel about your partner, what can you do?

Our first tendency when we’re not getting what we want in relationship, is to get the other person to change their behavior. In this case, you might find yourself criticizing and nagging at him way more than you like, in an attempt to get the message across that you want something to change.

When we’re unhappy with our partners, we often come at them with lists of rules for how they should behave. Whereas it’s perfectly understandable that you want his behavior to change, this approach will not give you what you want. Even if you’re 100% right about your complaints and all your friends agree with you. If that approach worked, all we needed to do to have perfect partners was to tell them exactly what they’re doing wrong and how they should behave, and we’d be done.

Listen to the full episode to get more background and the rest of the tips. (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wR_rlDudeY) 

About LoveWorks:

The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles.

The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more.

LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships.

They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time.

* Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution

* Get the free E-book, How To Save My Marriage (and many more free resources for your relationship), here: https://loveworksforyou.com/

My wife doesn't respect me! What I am going to do about that?

This is a refrain we often hear from husbands.

Obviously, we would all hope that our partners would treat us with kindness and respect, but sometimes that’s not the dynamic we have established. If we were talking directly to your wife, we’d be giving her her own coaching, but assuming we’re talking to you, the husband, we’ll focus on what you have some control over, namely your own behavior and how you communicate with her.

Not being respected can show up for you in a myriad of different ways. You might experience that she …

- Belittles you

- Emasculates you

- Puts you down

- Nags

- Criticizes

- Withholds affection, touch, love, sex

- Doesn’t appreciate you

- Doesn’t acknowledge the things you do do

- Questions your choices

- Doesn’t trust you

- Talks down about you to other people

- Tries to control or micro-manage you

Or perhaps it’s something else for you?

When you have the experience that your wife doesn't respect you, there's her responsibility in that situation, and there’s your responsibility. It’s not all on her, nor is it all on you. It’s a co-created dynamic. When we coach couples, we help each person take their share of ownership. As mentioned above, we’ll focus on what you can do to change this dynamic and in effect encourage her to respect and appreciate you more.

For starters, look at what she’s judging you for. What is she criticizing you for?

Then, take an honest look at yourself and ask, What’s the grain of truth in what she’s saying about me? Notice, we say “a grain of truth”, i.e. it’s not the full story about you.

Next thing to focus on …

Listen to the episode to get all the tips.