The LoveWorks Solution Podcast

My wife doesn't respect me! What I am going to do about that?

This is a refrain we often hear from husbands.

Obviously, we would all hope that our partners would treat us with kindness and respect, but sometimes that’s not the dynamic we have established. If we were talking directly to your wife, we’d be giving her her own coaching, but assuming we’re talking to you, the husband, we’ll focus on what you have some control over, namely your own behavior and how you communicate with her.

Not being respected can show up for you in a myriad of different ways. You might experience that she …

- Belittles you

- Emasculates you

- Puts you down

- Nags

- Criticizes

- Withholds affection, touch, love, sex

- Doesn’t appreciate you

- Doesn’t acknowledge the things you do do

- Questions your choices

- Doesn’t trust you

- Talks down about you to other people

- Tries to control or micro-manage you

Or perhaps it’s something else for you?

When you have the experience that your wife doesn't respect you, there's her responsibility in that situation, and there’s your responsibility. It’s not all on her, nor is it all on you. It’s a co-created dynamic. When we coach couples, we help each person take their share of ownership. As mentioned above, we’ll focus on what you can do to change this dynamic and in effect encourage her to respect and appreciate you more.

For starters, look at what she’s judging you for. What is she criticizing you for?

Then, take an honest look at yourself and ask, What’s the grain of truth in what she’s saying about me? Notice, we say “a grain of truth”, i.e. it’s not the full story about you.

Next thing to focus on …

Listen to the episode to get all the tips.

Is he the one? Is she the one?

When you’re a single person, that’s a really big, important question. As it turns out, sometimes it’s too big.

I still remember from all my single years how much that question was on my mind, even haunted me.

The search to find “The One” is exhilarating and full of so much hope. But sometimes, like for me, the “quest” also caused a good deal of anxiety and when I went dating, I did that thing so many singles have tried on dates: Meeting someone and instantly passing judgment as the whether the person in front of me was “The One” or not (they never were).

I kinda wish someone had shown me this podcast back then. In this episode, we’ll offer you important tips for what to pay attention to in order to answer that question, Is he/she the one?

The first thing to do to make your own journey more enjoyable is to make it ok that the “big question” just sits there, unanswered, for a while.

No one can put a timeline on finding the love of your love, and if you add a deadline of your own, you’re likely to also add a bunch of stress and pressure. So see if you can relax into the uncertainty. Tell yourself it might take a while, and that’s ok, because you’re going to have a good time as you go.

For Sonika & I, it took over two years before we could answer the question, before we knew for sure we wanted to commit and be together. We couldn’t have done it any faster, and during that process, we paid attention to all the factors we’re sharing with you below.

Second and equally important, throw out the whole notion of “The One”. We know that might sound like odd and contrary advice, but think about it. The idea that among 8 billion people there is one and only one person for you is just not very likely.

Instead of looking for “The One”, look for someone who’s a great fit for you, someone you can make a wonderful relationship with. Thinking there is only one just puts more pressure on yourself to find a needle in a global haystack.

Some of what we recommend you pay attention to (listen to the episode for full details):

* Attraction and chemistry

* Are you attracted to them emotionally?

* Do you feel intellectually stimulated?

* Trust. Do you feel you can trust this person?

* Personal growth. Is this someone who is committed to growing?

* Do you feel free to express yourself?

* Can you handle and resolve conflicts?

* How about their quirks and issues.

* What are their other relationships like?

* Do you feel safe? Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel trusting? Do you have that sense of being "home"?

* Notice if you frequently have the sense that something is not “quite right"?

* Practice telling the truth

Use all your dating experiences as an opportunity to practice being in relationship, practice showing up as the best version of yourself, as the kind of person you would like to one day find! 

During Corona times, we are providing a safe, fun, facilitated space for singles to connect with other singles.

Check out our next upcoming Singles Connecting in Corona Times, 75-min free mini-workshop here: https://loveworksforyou.com/singles-connecting-in-corona-times 

How Personal Stress Affects Our Relationship. 

It’s no surprise that personal stress spills over into our relationships, and to all other aspects of our lives. Stress tends to be contagious, too, so that one partner’s stress “transfers” to the other partner and sometimes kids.

Even in the best of circumstances, there’s a lot of stuff one can be stressed about. Just making a living, minding a job or business, raising a family and dealing with the myriad responsibilities of modern life can raise anyone’s blood pressure.

Personal stress can show up in many ways and have many side effects. Here are some of them …

• One or both partners withdraws

And there are probably more (we didn’t even mention the physical health consequences of stress, which are legion!)

So what can we do about this? We share 5 tips, including lots of practical ideas. 

If you want and additional opportunity to de-stress and work together, check out the 90-min. mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements.

In this workshop-from-your-couch, we help you:

* Find understanding

* Relieve tension and stress

* Discover common ground between each other

* Get on the same page

* Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict

* Get back to connection

Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements 

We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

When you have the experience of your partner being emotionally unavailable, you're probably feeling that you're not being "met", that you're not being heard, that you can't get your messages across, or that he/she is always trying to fix you when you try to share something. You might find your partner aloof, stonewalling, or defensive. Or any combination of these.

It's natural that you want to be more connected, more in communion, with your partner.

It’s important to understand that there are inherent differences between men and women, between personality types, and between … just people! We all have a different way of feeling, accessing and expressing our emotions.

For instance, we worked with a couple where the woman was vivacious, talkative, charismatic, and the man was stoic, unmoving, and only talked sparingly. She loved asking him questions, and he hated being asked questions. It’s easy to assume that she’s emotionally available and he’s not. But it’s not that simple. When we took the time to create the right space, he too shared profound insights and emotions.

Some people cry at movies, some don’t, but remember “emotionally unavailable" doesn't (necessarily) mean they don't feel or have emotions.

If you have the experience of someone being emotionally unavailable, and they feel judged by you, all that’s going to produce is have them clam up even more.

For starters, what you can do is accept differences and get curious about what those differences might be. Ask questions in a mood of curiosity. Ask you partner, “What happens for you when you watch that movie?” or “What happens for you when so-and-so happens in our family …?”

Some people have much quicker access to how they feel. Like Sonika and me, for instance. it seems to me she’s always in touch with how she feels at any given moment, but I often have to stop and “think” about how I feel; I have to tune in in order to know how I feel. From her point of view, it might seem as if I’m not feeling anything, but I just need time to access my feelings.

A great tip is when you ask a question, let the person explore for a little bit, give them some time.

On the flip side, if you're the "unavailable" one, add a little more detail than you normally would. Instead of just answering, “Great!” when she asks how my day was, I can elaborate a bit and add, “I did have an interesting experience with John at work …”. This breeds emotional connection.

Ask yourself, if there isn't a lot of talking, do you assume it's disconnection? Another way to think about this, is to join your partner in the silence, and to enjoy the connection inside silence. That’s a different kind of emotional availability, beyond words.

When you’re with an emotionally unavailable partner, it’s easy to have all of your attention is on what your partner is not

doing, what they’re not saying. You try to get your partner to be more vulnerable and available.

Instead, try turning it around and ask yourself, How can I be more vulnerable? How can I be more emotionally available? Because often, when you’re busy trying to get your partner to be more available and in touch with their feelings, you’re not in touch with yours.

When you can get more in touch with your own emotions, and share that with your partner from an open, vulnerable place, you invite your partner into your world, which invites your partner to share more deeply.

Granted, there are different degrees of emotional unavailability. Most often, the tools and tips we’re sharing here can help, but if your partner (or you) are completely stonewalling, refusing to engage, you might need a different level of intervention. You can reach out to us for private coaching or talk to a local coach/therapist.

In relationship, we have a tendency to talk more “about” our problems, or “about” our emotions, but the more we talk “about” it, the further we get away from the connection we’re longing for.

Instead of talking "about", turn it around to explore what am I feeling? How can I be more vulnerable here? How can I be more curious about you? That creates a space for us to "drop in" to, a place of connection and feeling, the place we’re wanting in the first place.

Finally, look for any place where your partner does reach out, where they do share, and where they do connect. Then, once you see those places, appreciate your partner for it. Thank them for where they DO connect with you. That way, you find some small pieces of what you want, and you make them bigger.

If you want to improve you and your partner's emotional connection, here’s a great opportunity to practice:

We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you:

* Find understanding

* Relieve tension and stress

* Discover common ground between each other

* Get on the same page

* Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict

* Get back to connection

Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements 

We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

How To Communicate About Relationship Issues.

The most common issue couples present to us is Communication (or lack thereof). It is one thing to communicate about logistics and practicalities such as who goes shopping, who makes food, who picks up the kids, and when. It's quite another to try and communicate about touchy issues, such as our different preferences or personalities.

In this episode, we share 4 tools to improve your communication.

All too often, our first communication is about what our partner is doing that we don't like or find irritating. Basically our default, go-to strategy when we want something to change in our partner's behavior, is we tell them about it. We point it out to them, so hopefully they'll get the message and change.

The problem with this strategy is it always ends up sounding like complaining and criticizing to our partner, who then get's defensive, silent, or complains right back.

#1 Shift your complaints to requests

When I say to my partner, "You're not listening to me!" or, "You don't respect me", I'm hoping it will result in her changing to now listen to me and respect me. But when someone tells you, ""You don't listen to me!", do you want to listen more or less? Yeah, less. And you might want to add, "I do listen" (defensive), or "You're not exactly the best listener yourself!" (complaining back).

It is much more useful to go directly for what you want, bypassing the complaint altogether. So you shift your complaint to a direct request instead:

> Would you be willing to listen to me for five minutes?

> Would you be willing to tell me something you respect about me?

Go directly what is wanted, namely listening and a sense of respect.

#2 Express appreciations to your partner every day

It has been shown that the more appreciations and the less complaining we have, the better our chances of keeping our relationship strong and stay together.

Plus, appreciations are to humans what water and sun are to plants. We need it to not wither inside.

Appreciation is the perfect antidote to complaining because in order for me to appreciate something about my partner, I have to shift my attention onto something I like, something I love, something that IS working in my relationship.

Find something your partner did today, or some quality about them that you like, and say it out loud.

"Thanks for making breakfast today"

"Thanks for doing the shopping, that was really nice"

"Thanks for being so responsible with our kids"

"I love how you make people laugh"

Anything will. We've kept up a routine for over ten years now. Before we go to sleep, we share at least three appreciations of the other person. Try it out! 

#3 Talk about your own experience

You've probably heard the recommendation to speak in I-statements. It's much easier for your partner to hear you saying, "I feel scared when we argue" as opposed to "You're always arguing with me!". Sharing your own experience makes communication a lot safer. We call it the "un-arguable truth". No one can argue that I feel scared. But you can - and probably will - argue if I say, "All your yelling is making me scared!".

#4 Expand to include

This is a central notion in the LoveWorks Solution. I expand my understanding and mindset to be big enough to include yours. In disagreements, we often think only one of us is right, can be right, but in truth, it’s possible that we’re both right. Expand to include the differences in opinions and styles.

If I love cilantro and you hate it (that's Sonika and me:-), there's no point in me arguing that you should love it too. Instead, I expand to include your point of view.

If you want to improve your ability to get on the same page, here’s a great opportunity to practice:

We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you:

* Find understanding

* Relieve tension and stress

* Discover common ground between each other

* Get on the same page

* Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict

* Get back to connection

Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements 

We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

Can You Rebuild Trust In A Relationship?

When trust is broken in a relationship, it can cause a lot of harm. If trust is broken repeatedly over time, sometimes years, it becomes very difficult to repair and stay together.

Whether trust can be rebuilt depends on the situation, and the way in which trust was broken. If you are willing to ...

• Own what happened and take responsibility

Then you have very good chances of repairing trust and healing, even growing, from what happened (and if not, it becomes very difficult to repair trust and stay together).

In order to rebuild trust in a relationship, some important steps to take are ...

Get really specific about where trust was broken. It's a different situation if your partner showed up 5 minutes late to an appointment or emptied your retirement account and ran off with a lover. Both could be characterized as "broken trust", but obviously not the same.

Instead of stating a general, "I don't trust you!", get specific. Is it that you don't trust your partner to be with the kids? Or to shop for the right ingredients for dinner? Or to be faithful?

Getting specific makes it easier to repair trust, and it also makes it easier for the person who broke the trust to do something about it.

For the person who broke the trust, the first "something" to do is to go through a complete apologies process. Just saying, "I'm sorry" just doesn't get the job done.

A complete apologies process involves steps such as ownership of the behavior, demonstrating to your partner that you understand the impact of your actions, making amends to repair the damage, making new promises, and of course, keeping said promises.

If trust has been broken repeatedly over time, or the breach was severe, repairing trust is process over and extended period of time, not a one-time apologies process. It takes many new promises that are repeatedly and reliable backed by action to heal from breaches of trust. It takes the ability to clean up when you fall short of your promises.

In the process of repairing trust, make sure you acknowledge and speak out loud your appreciations for the efforts and progress made. If my partner had been lying to me, but now I see real demonstration of him or her being truthful, I make sure to say, "Thank you so much for telling me that, I really appreciate it".

Repairing trust takes willingness from both parties. Even if your partner was the one to break trust, it also takes willingness from you to learn and grow from what happened, and willingness to let go of what happened (with proper apologies and new actions from your partner).

Final word, breaches of trust, betrayals, affairs, lying, etc. are difficult to deal with in a relationship. It brings up all manner of feelings and the hurt can run really deep.

So get help! The faster the better. Call coaches like us, use a local therapist or a trusted friend. But don't just stew with it on your own, that doesn't help anyone.

One of the ways you can support your relationship to have strong trust, is by having solid communication skills. And one of the best ways to do that is to enhance your understanding when there's something you disagree on. 

We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you:

* Find understanding

* Relieve tension and stress

* Discover common ground between each other

* Get on the same page

* Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict

* Get back to connection

Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements 

We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

A lot of couples are in VERY close quarters during Coronavirus (Covid-19) times. Whereas during "normal" times couples need to carve out time together, during shelter-in-place it's a bigger challenge getting time apart.

Actually, that's our first tip for keeping your intimacy alive while in such close quarters.

Relationships need to "breathe", that is to have time together and time apart, time together and time apart. We need both. It's a common recipe for resentment when we use our spouse as our only social and physical "fueling station". It puts too much pressure on our partner and on the relationship.

There are many ways to take time and space for yourself in ways that nourish and replenish you.

#1 Take time and space for yourself

• Take a walk on your own

#2 Grow, learn, expand, and step outside your comfort zone.

It might sound like peculiar advice for keeping your intimacy alive to keep growing and learning. But growing yourself as a person is "hot", it gives you new material to bring into conversations and it keeps you on your toes.

You can even ramp it up and use each other as a sort of accountability partner. For example, you might state a commitment to your partner like, "By this Friday, I'll have read chapter 1+2 in my coaching book and completed the homework that goes with it" (this is Sonika's current commitment).

Then give progress reports as you go along and talk about what you learned. This keeps your mind fresh, your curiosity open, and helps you avoid the very common trap of stagnation.

#3 Carve out time to focus on your relationship

Even if you're completely overbooked and corona has given you a boatload of extra responsibilities, it's still essential that you find time to focus on your relationship. If all you can do half an hour a week, great, do that, but do it with focus and gusto.

Do things like ...

• Ask each other Intimacy Questions

To that last point, we have an opportunity for you. 

We created a 90-min mini-workshop for couples to deal with stress and disagreements, How To Be More Understanding During Disagreements. In this workshop-from-your-couch, we are going to help you:

* Find understanding

* Relieve tension and stress

* Discover common ground between each other

* Get on the same page

* Learn techniques to de-escalate during conflict

* Get back to connection

Register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-be-more-understanding-during-disagreements

We have helped thousands of couples navigate crisis and stressful times, and we'd be honored to help you, too.

How to make marriage fun again!

Anyone else feel like "Groundhog Day" in your marriage these days? Other than stuff we find on our screens, there's a whole lot less diversion and adventure while we're waiting out the corona restrictions. As couples, we need to find ways to laugh together. Even under "normal" circumstances life is hard and at times completely absurd, so we need a good dose of humor to make it through.

Couples often forget to have fun. Not cuz we don't want to, but because we get sucked into the myriad responsibilities we all have and we often simply get out of the habit of laughing, enjoying life and each other, and just plain old having fun.

They say that couples who play together, stay together. Whether that's true or not, it's definitely true that couples who play together ... well, play together! They just have more fun, period.

Even in the confines of our houses there are lots of fun options to make your marriage fun again.

You can watch this episode as a YouTube video here ... (see a hilarious fail at 01:23).

For extra credits ... 

We created a brand-new, 90-min virtual mini-workshop for couples, How To Replace Complaints And Criticism With Constructive Communication.

Imagine how much more fun you'd have if you could replace criticism with good communication! 

In this mini-workshop, we'll help you:

* Stop the cycle of complaining

* Talk to your partner when you/they get upset

* Find compassion in disagreements

* Relieve tension and stress

* Learn techniques to de-escalate during arguments

* Use productive communication tools

* Get back to connection

Check it out and register here: https://loveworksforyou.com/how-to-replace-complaints-and-criticism-with-constructive-communication 

Date Night Ideas for Married Couples.

Date night is always a good idea. With the increased "ground hog day" feeling many of us are having during Coronavirus (Covid-19) times, coming up with date ideas can be a really great romantic break from the humdrum. But we're probably not going out, so we need home based date night ideas.

For date nights, we recommend one of you be accountable for the night. That just makes it more likely to happen in the first place. Plus, it might help come up with new ideas if you take turns being "on point" for the night.

On the podcast, we share 9 great ideas, with lots of suggestions for each point. There are classics such as Candle light (Zoom) dinner and bubble baths (don't scoff at the classics - they still work:-) but with added twists of intimacy questions and more.

Then the ideas turn more sensual such as pleasure sessions. See for yourself. For intimacy questions to ask your partner, download our free ebook here: https://loveworksforyou.com/100-questions

And how to communicate with your partner when you disagree.