It's 1979, our final look at 70s Caine, and what a way to go: drenched in an upturned wreck, scuba-diving about with little Sally Field and 125-year-old Karl Malden in Beyond the Poseidon Adventure! It's the last in a triptych of late-70s Caine-nurtured turkeys alongside The Swarm and Ashanti. What more truly needs to be said....

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We're off to Africa where Michael Caine is now hunting slave traders who have kidnapped his wife. Yes, it's Ashanti - basically 1970s Taken. Part of a holy trinity of late 70s turkeys, prepare to be astounded by Caine's disinterest, dumbfounded by Peter Ustinov's accent, stunned by Omar Sharif's boredom and amused by Caine spending two full minutes trying to mount a camel. Yes, that's right...

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After the tortures of The Swarm, it's Michael Caine moving seamlessly from killer-bee fighter to bisexual antiques dealer in this Neil Simon-scripted flick. Come for Caine, stay for an Oscar-winning performance from Maggie Smith, suffer Bill Cosby.

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It's the day we've been braced for since the beginning, but finally we encounter the plumpest turkey of Caine's career. The Swarm and its brilliantly organised, genocidal killer bees is most of the things the critics have said and more. Worst movie ever? Is it even the worst Caine ever?! But as constructive people, we offer ways to improve the Swarm - ninja Caine up to fight the bees, give the bees little guns and get Larry Olivier in the picture among other things. Also, as a way of making it better, burn the entire thing to the ground.

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Some Caine Obscura, this time Silver Bears from 1978, as Mr Caine banks the cheque and goes to Switzerland, but we do get Sports Caine, Drunk Caine, Lover Man Caine and Jay Leno. And as the chemistry with yet another leading lady fails to yield even a spark, it's time to ask the burning question: is it possible to see actor Michael Caine as a sexy beast?

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On this week's episode it's cameo a go go with the cream of 1970's actors collecting a paycheck to ruminate on the horrors of war in A Bridge Too Far. Join us as we discuss Caine's moustache, Robert Redford's attractiveness and the world's tiniest Nazi sniper.

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Mein Gott im Himmel! It's Good Nazi War Caine in the village of Studley Constable - presumably named after a medieval porn star - to kill Churchill. The great director John Sturges pockets the money and goes fishing. Donald Sutherland tortures everyone with the worst accent ever committed to celluloid. Larry Hagman plays it a bit mental. What do we end up with? Begob and begorrah craythureens, break out the oul tea and biscuits for a Bank Holiday classic: The Eagle Has Landed!

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Joy to the world! Caine as Scrooge! Muppets! A Christmas Carol! What can possibly go wrong? This time, absolutely nothing. Here's the story of Caine's Scrooge based on Wall Street banker gits, Gonzo's Dickens (ahem), what might have happened Tiny Tim and the making of a proper Christmas classic!

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A dip into heist comedy for our man Caine with 70s movie royalty James Caan, Elliott Gould and Diane Keaton in a movie also known as Elliott and James Wreck A Perfectly Reasonable Movie. But can Caine save the day with a prototype performance he will eventually perfect for Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? Oh the tension!!

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So it's 1975 and Michael Caine is freshly energised by his triumphant performance in The Man Who Would Be King. He's not going to fall back on old habits, grab the first script that comes within an asses roar of him, indulge his love for film noir and play a cockney PI in 1940s Los Angeles.....right?! Please?! Damn you, Peeper!!

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