The Marriage Minute by Strong Marriages

We humans are such creatures of habit—especially when we possess deep-rooted, fixed mindsets about something. In this case, we mean fixed mindsets involving specific aspects of our marriage. For example, suppose your spouse simply refuses to get ready in order to arrive on time to events that you attend together. Therefore, you simply refuse to attend any more events with them than what is necessary. Or what about spending money? Fixed mindsets occur when one spouse refuses to spend within the parameters of an agreed upon budget. Often times, instead of working together to combine resources as maybe they once did, each spouse manages their own money, which typically leads to lies, no accountability and uncontrollable debt.

Sadly, when left unattended or unchallenged, fixed mindsets typically result in one or both spouses becoming isolated in the marriage. Only, much of the time, these couples have become incredibly effective at masking what is really going on to the point very few people can actually detect something is not right. When allowed to continue over time, the chances drastically increase that husbands and wives will eventually see their situation as hopeless. They’ll either separate and divorce, or just somehow learn to live together separately.

If this is where you and your spouse are, or are even headed towards for that matter, here are a few facts and suggestions you might find beneficial:

Isolation can be the greatest tool Satan can use to destroy your marriage. Maybe its time to break some of those old habits and replace them with some that bring joy back into your marriage?

Saying “I love you”  to your spouse means so much more than simply expressing your romantic feelings. Research conducted in recent years actually reveals that saying the three words, “I love you,” also represents a commitment to future behavior. Meaning, when we sincerely tell our spouse “I love you,” we are committing to them that our behavior, both in their presence and when apart, will demonstrate unquestionable attitudes of love and the resolve to protect our covenant of marriage.

Based on the above information, neglecting to tell your spouse “I love you” on a consistent basis can give Satan an open door to plant seeds of doubt and suspicion in each spouse’s mind. Interestingly, when this occurs, husbands and wives will often tend to wait for the other to say these three powerful words, which, if not heard in a relatively short period of time can lead to an “I love you standoff.”

Kinda sounds silly, but many of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Because the element of love is such an important part of any relationship, especially marriage, when we as husbands and wives begin to no longer hear these words from our spouse, it becomes much easier for us to question their commitment as well as to develop a critical spirit for almost everything they do. We essentially give Satan an opportunity to do his work, which Scripture reminds us not to do. So, how do we avoid allowing this to occur?

First, in the same manner that Paul tells the church at Ephesus to not give Satan a foothold to do his work (Ephesians 4:27), husbands and wives should not let a day go by without telling their spouse, “I love you.” This means even when your marriage seems strong, take nothing for granted. Keep your commitment to the marriage, and to your spouse, strong by consistently saying, "I love you!"

Second, if you and your spouse are engaged in the “I love you standoff,” recognize that your lack of saying these three words could possibly be a weapon you are using against your spouse. Be willing to make the first move toward coming together. Remember John 10:10 - Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. You may not realize it, but the longer you and your spouse refuse to come together, the more opportunity Satan has to kill your trust, steal your joy and even possibly destroy your marriage.

Lastly, it could be that you have not heard these words come from your spouse in months or even years. Please remember that in Christ, there are no hopeless situations, but only people who perceive them as hopeless. Begin by asking God to re-ignite love for your spouse and the desire to verbally express love to them with no expectations of any form of reciprocation. God is faithful and with Him all things are possible (Mark 10:27).

Have you ever noticed how frustrated you become when you consistently allow your actions to follow your feelings? You know, like not getting out of bed because you don’t “feel” like it, even though you know there are many things you need to get done. Or, you stopped extending blessings to your spouse because you don’t “feel” like blessing them any more. Or maybe, your feeling of love for your spouse seems to have faded in recent years and now you're simply living together separate. 

Most of us agree that it's typically easier to feel our way into a action. Yet, in reality, our feelings will often mislead us into wrong beliefs, which then often motivate us into wrong actions or no action at all. While believing we are actually in control, sadly it's only a delusion. Real control comes when right actions follow sound beliefs, regardless of emotions.

Some of you might be saying, “Dewey, you obviously don’t live in my world,” and you would be correct. However, God reminds us in Hebrews 11:6 that He rewards those who demonstrate faith and diligently seek after Him. That said, here are a few things that can help a person learn to act their way into feeling instead of feeling their way into an action:

5.  Ask God for strength to persevere in difficult times.

Changing your actions will eventually change your feelings. Give it a real heartfelt effort and then see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Have you ever considered why we so quickly assume negative intentions of others over positive intentions? While negative assumptions do not always get verbalized, most agree they tend to make negative assumptions in their mind about others.

Our brains store the experiences of past events into either short-term or long-term memory. Therefore, when a person experiences something negative, it's only natural for them to assume the same negative results are likely should the environment become conducive for the event to occur once again. However, our perceived negative assumptions can also be skewed because virtually every condition of the future situation must be the same as the previous experience in order to obtain the exact same result. 

When it comes to marriage, we often allow certain behaviors of our spouse to become absolute predictors of the future. Unfortunately, when spouses allow these attitudes to be their primary lenses, eventually they see almost every action of their spouse with a negative bias. When occurring frequently, trust becomes broken in the mind of the perceiver, which in turn results in weakened confidence and commitment in the marriage. 

Now, you may think this process occurs fairly quickly. The fact is, it begins with one negative assumption and, like a frog in a melting pot, Satan methodically encourages us to stock pile our negative assumptions and then patiently waits for our marriage to become fragmented. The antidote is pretty simple. Assume positive intentions from your spouse.

Here are some things to consider:

First, it's important to remember to control your self-talk, instead of allowing your self talk to control you. God will never expect from you that which He has not already empowered you to accomplish (2 Peter 1:3). Before allowing your negative assumptions to dictate your actions, take captive your thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Second, even though it will likely be incredibly difficult in the beginning, remain steadfast in your efforts to assume positive intentions from your spouse when you don’t agree with their actions. It might look something like this:  

Obviously, this strategy is not a “cookie cutter” solution to every conflict that can arise in marriage. However, when you begin to apply this strategy to less conflicting issues, it will help you deal with the larger conflicts when they arise.

Lastly, ask God for discernment and strength. God is intimately involved in your covenant relationship and He wants your marriage to thrive. When you pray in accordance to His will, He hears your prayers and will act upon your requests (1 John 5:14-15).

Almost every organization has a formal mission statement, which is basically a summary statement designed to communicate the purpose and goals of the organization. In more simple terms, a good mission statement will communicate to others what the organization is about and the direction they plan to go. 

Years ago, when we were creating a suitable mission statement for Strong Marriages, I did a little research and discovered the “Mission Statements” for many Fortune 500 companies. You know, those companies considered by most to be the biggest and best run in America. After reading a dozen or so, I remember I stopped reading because many of the statements read more like a chapter from a boring novel or a jingle from a radio commercial. While mission statements don’t determine the success or failure of an organization, they should represent the foundational values of the organization and serve as the benchmark for organizational members. I tend to believe good mission statements should also be brief and succinct. They should be easily memorized and easy to articulate when asked. 

In Joshua 24:15, Joshua declared that as for him and his household, they were going to serve the Lord. While some might see this as more of a declaration statement of Joshua’s beliefs, I tend to see it more as foundational and the beginnings of a great mission statement for his family. So how could we apply these thoughts and principles to creating a mission statement for our marriage? Here are a few suggestions. 

Consider beginning your statement using the words of Joshua - “We, ________ and ________ commit to serve the Lord in our marriage by:”. You will want to state a few of your core beliefs and values, as well as what you envision are possible outcomes. For example:   

Hopefully, you get the idea for creating your own personal mission statement. Lastly, successful organizations seldom print the first suggested mission statement. The mission statement that finally becomes a part of their brand has been refined many times over. So, don’t become discouraged if you struggle to create yours. Take your time. You might even ask trusted friends and family for thoughts and ideas. Then, once you have your final mission statement, remember to revisit it from time to time, making sure that your stated mission still aligns with your current actions.

I heard it said once that good friendship can be compared to standing in wet cement. The longer one stays in it, the more difficult it is to leave. And, even when the friend is not around, their footprint will always be left behind. When Lynne and I were first dating, we spent hours and hours simply hanging out with each other. There was certainly a physical attraction between us, but frankly we just enjoyed each other’s company and getting to know each other better. Within a few short months of constantly being in the presence of one another, it was obvious that we had become each other’s best friend. Now, looking back over 35 years later, Lynne and I can confidently say it was our commitment to God and our close friendship that helped us stick together during the difficult times in our marriage. But, isn’t sticking together what good friends are supposed to do? Apparently, God thinks so.

In Proverbs 18:24, Solomon writes, “A man who has many friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Interestingly, the word “sticks” that Solomon uses here is the same word found in Genesis 2:24 for “cleave." If so, God places incredibly high value on friendship in marriage, knowing friendship is the glue that enables a husband and wife to cleave to each other throughout the course of their relationship. Some of you might be saying to yourself, “We were friends like that once, but somehow events and unmet expectations have taken their toll on our friendship.” Or, you might be thinking, “We quickly became lovers, assuming the friendship would naturally develop in time. But somehow, that time never came." If you resonate with either of these statements, or if you and your spouse have a friendship, but can’t say you’re best friends, here are a few thoughts for you to consider.

First, good friendships require time and intentionality. Our friendship grew rapidly because we spent hours together - and enjoyed it! It may be difficult for you and your spouse to currently enjoy spending a lot of time together, so start slowly. Simply be intentional to spend more time together than you do now. Go on a date once a week. Take time to go for a walk, grab a soda or a cup of coffee. Even though Lynne and I are together literally every day in our ministry, we still have to be intentional at maintaining and growing our friendship. Spending time with other couples who demonstrate being “best friends” is another great way to learn how to become best friends over time.

Second, many friendships slowly grow apart mainly because of the lack of communication and the unmet expectations that breeds. When you’re together, try focusing your attention on your spouse. For example, try learning or discussing the events in their day or possibly even their dreams and aspirations, as opposed to thinking about how he or she doesn’t ask you about your day or inquire about your dreams or aspirations. Chances are you know how to engage your spouse in positive communication as well as what tends to shut them down. Try your best to keep your communication positive (Proverbs 15:23).

Many things have changed in our marriage over the last three decades, both environmentally and physically—some of them in ways I would not prefer. Even so, the two things that continue getting stronger today are the same two things that became foundational in our relationship 35 years ago: our commitment to the Lord and our desire to grow our friendship. Our prayer for you and your marriage is for you to experience the same in yours.

Arguably, everyone of us has been asked how well we know a certain person. A few of the canned responses I have heard include things from “pretty good,” “fairly well,” “I have only met them once," “I wouldn't say were best friends," to “oh, we are just like brothers," or “I know them better than their blood relatives know them." So, have you ever really thought about what types of things a person must know about another individual in order to say they know them well? Is there some undisclosed list of minimal characteristics that helps qualify a person, or a tiered graph of attributes designed to determine a person’s knowledge of another? 

If there is such a list, one would think husbands and wives would have the majority of those attributes already checked off considering marriage is designed to be for life, right? Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Because the majority of married couples today seem to be going Mach 10 with their pants on fire, managing jobs, trying to pay bills and raise their children, many of them seldom invest time to really learn more about the other. A good number of spouses profess to knowing their husband or wife well, yet when asked, many of these same individuals are unable to correctly recall things like the other’s birthplace, favorite color, favorite food, social security number or even their cellphone number! If this has any of you scratching your head, because you're wondering if you actually know the answers to these types of questions, most likely its time for you and your spouse to intentionally invest in getting to know each other more. Here are a few suggestions for how to begin:

1. Prepare your attitude. When asked, one of you most likely can correctly answer more questions about the other. That said, what you choose to say and how you choose to say it will often determine the success or failure of exercises like the one I am about to recommend. You might even think that asking each other the following questions is lame and silly. However, an open, light-hearted approach to participating in the following exercise with the objective of understanding your spouse better can result in taking your love for them to a level deeper than you have ever experienced.

2. Schedule somewhere between an hour and 90 minutes that is free of distractions. It could be after the children have gone to bed, or you might choose to go on a date after leaving the kids with a baby sitter. At any rate, it is important for there to be little or no distractions. 

3. Each of you make a list of 10 questions of things you don’t know about the other, but would like to. Feel free to choose from the following list, or come up with you own questions.

4. Take turns asking each other questions from your list. Instead of quickly moving on to the next question, consider asking follow up questions to learn even more regarding the topic you are on. 

Because life is happening all around us, its easy for spouses to not intentionally invest time getting to know each other. Truth is though, life is always going to be happening. The best way to prevent waking up one day and not recognizing the person you thought you married is to be intentional about spending quality time getting to know each other today.

Little children seem fearless in so many ways, mainly because most of the time they know no difference. For example, a while back our daughter, son-in-law and infant granddaughter showed up one Saturday morning to eat breakfast. Shortly after we prayed over the meal, we looked over and our grandbaby had shoved so many scrambled eggs into her mouth her cheeks resembled those of a chipmunk’s full of acorns. Our daughter leaped from her chair to remove a portion of the eggs in fear that our granddaughter would soon begin choking on the over-abundance of yard bird delight she had shoved into her mouth.

At the time, we weren’t sure if our grandbaby would choke on the eggs or Mom’s fingers entering her mouth at warp speed. Yet, after all the commotion died down, both parents and grandparents used the event as an opportunity to teach our grandbaby, and our grandbaby’s parents what can happen when we quickly pile too much stuff into something designed to hold smaller portions. 

Interestingly, that situation also tends to describe many married couples in crisis that come into my office for counseling. Like our grandbaby, most of these couples are attempting to cram so many events into their schedules, they have little or no time to strengthen their marriage. After listening to them share what it takes to get kids to and from school, then dance, gymnastics, baseball, soccer or whatever else involves chasing something filled with air, I too am worn out. Oh, then all of the “grown up” activities get thrown into the mix.

Here, the greatest difference between the situation with our grand baby and most of the crazy schedules detailed by these married couples is our grandbaby truly didn’t know what to do differently. The majority of these married couples do!

One of the most effective things couples can do to maintain balance in their weekly schedules is keep an active calendar. For example, one where every family member participates in putting events on a single calendar that is placed in a central location in the home (i.e. refrigerator). Obviously, the parents are ultimately responsible to ensure all weekly events are recorded, but it is always good for children to get in the habit of knowing how their events impact each week’s schedule. Lastly, in addition to recording weekly events, it is equally important to discuss everyone’s events during a weekly family meeting. Lastly, keeping weekly calendars will also help you visually see when it is impossible to add another event into your weekly schedule and find new opportunities for spending time alone, which will help strengthen your marriage! 

You may be saying to yourself, “Yeah right!” Well, here's something to consider. This concept typically sounds like a lot of work to those who have never tried it before. It’s important to remember we can never truly expect that which we choose to never inspect. If any of this describes you, why not give it a chance? Dollar to a doughnut, if you seriously make the effort, before long you will begin seeing more balance in your daily routines, instead of your over-filled schedules choking the life right out of your marriage.

Have you ever noticed how quickly a negative attitude seems to multiply, or the wide-spread damaging effects negative attitudes have on ourselves and others? By definition, an attitude is formed once a person assigns either a positive or negative impact to an evaluation they make of a behavior, event, issue, object, or person. You might already know, or at least find it interesting, that attitudes have a function! They exist primarily to guide a person’s behavior. Something else you might find interesting is research shows that attitudes are also directly associated with determining the level of a person’s activity.

You might be asking yourself, “Why is this important, and how does it pertain to marriage?" People who project an overall positive attitude tend to be more active and intentional than those with negative dispositions. Those more active also demonstrate higher confidence levels and tend to be more proactive in dealing with situations and managing relationships.  

If what we just learned is true, then the opposite is also likely to be true. Spouses who consistently possess negative attitudes tend to project less confidence and are more likely to become reactive when dealing with situations or managing relationships. Makes sense, because why would a husband or wife constantly view their spouse and the marriage through negative lenses naturally be inclined to participate in activities together? So, how do we overcome negative attitudes or avoid allowing them to shape our behaviors toward our spouse? Consider the following:

It takes time and hard work to change negative attitudes. And, while it involves more than what is listed here, this can be an excellent place to start. Here’s one last thing for you to consider: Your attitude about changing your attitudes will accurately predict your behavior. For you see, our attitudes do shape our actions.

My mother was one of 10 kids in her family. All totaled, she had six sisters and three brothers. When you throw in their spouses, 37 first cousins, grandparents, and an occasional friend of the family, I assure you we had some pretty crazy Christmas celebrations. There was no way all of these people would fit in my grandparent's two-bedroom farmhouse, so instead, we would rent the community center in the small Texas town close to where they lived. 

I remember these gatherings because all the women somehow knew what food item to bring so that nothing would be missing. Maybe more impressively, they would miraculously agree on how to set up everything. When it comes to men, I remember their main job was to follow the women’s instructions, especially staying out of their way when they did not have a specific task to do. Now, I know those guys possessed the ability to do things independently because when the women weren’t around, most of them seemed to have an opinion about how things should be done! All kidding aside, what I also remember is just how exhausted my Mom was at the end of the day.

While these memories are over 50 years old, not a lot has changed regarding the women’s role in celebrating Christmas with family and friends. Recent research shows that because women tend to take the lead in shopping, preparing meals, decorating the home, and managing gift-giving, they are more likely to experience holiday stress than men. The same research also shows how women feel they can relax 14% less than their spouses during the Christmas season. So, if this sounds a little familiar, here are a few suggestions for both women and men that might help avoid or at least reduce stress levels over these next few weeks.

Women:

Men: