The Marriage Minute by Strong Marriages

So, what do you think? Do emotions dictate actions, or do actions determine emotions? For a lot of people, this is like trying to figure out which came first—the chicken or the egg. After all, it seems logical for a person who feels anxious or afraid to remove themselves from the situation or find a way to face their emotions head on. However, most theorists and researchers suggest that flight or fight reactions are the responses to felt emotions, which themselves are the result of some previous physiological event or action. 

Now before you short circuit any brain cells, think of it this way. Suppose it’s your first day on a new job and your boss asks you to lead the next department meeting. As a result, you notice your heart begins to race, you start sweating and then you realize you’re anxious or nervous. Later that evening, you walk through the door at home only to find your spouse dressed up and ready to go out for dinner. You forgot it was your anniversary. Once again, your heart begins to race, you start sweating and you realize you’re embarrassed and afraid you have disappointed your spouse. While it was for different reasons, the feelings of nervousness and anxiety were the response to the events or actions.

But does it really matter whether emotions drive actions or actions drive emotions? The answer is yes, especially when it comes to marriage. Constantly allowing emotions to drive your actions will ultimately disappoint you, simply because the messages associated with negative emotions can’t always be trusted. For example, you might believe your spouse’s lack of communication always makes you angry; therefore, in your mind, lashing out at them is the only way they will ever change their behavior towards you. But consider this: your spouse cannot make you angry. Their actions may leave you feeling hurt, but becoming angry is your decision. It’s what you do with your anger that determines the success or the trial.

The best way to change a negative emotion is to change the behavior associated with the emotion. The next time you experience some type of negative emotion, you might consider the following:

Obviously, changing your behavior in the midst of adversity is always difficult. However, it is possible with God’s help. The apostle Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. We’re also told in Luke 12:12 that we can trust God’s Spirit to give us the very words we ought to say the moment we need them.

So, the next time your negative emotions try to persuade you to respond negatively, focus on replacing your negative responses with more positive actions. Eventually, the positive emotions will follow.  

I am sincerely amazed by how God created the human brain. Frankly, there are so many aspects of this incredible organ we may never know or understand. And yet, taking time to better understand what is known about the brain can certainly help explain why we do what we do... both good and bad. 

For example, in many ways, the brain is similar to a processor and hard drive in a computer. Regarding a computer, algorithms determine how and where information is encoded and stored. Then, when specific commands are given, the machine automatically retrieves the information needed to perform the exact action associated with the command. As long as no new information is introduced and stored, the same function will be performed by the computer every time, without fail. In the same way, each of us perform automatic behaviors everyday because, like a computer, everything involving those actions has been programmed into our brain. Therefore, unless new information is introduced and stored, there is no reason for these actions or habits to ever change. 

Prayer and reading the Bible are two of the most basic spiritual disciplines commanded by God, Yet, according to research, only about 4% of married Christian couples ever pray or read the Bible together. While this likely comes as no surprise, what may be an eye opener to you is this research also revealed that when Christian spouses share religious practices at home, less than 1% ever divorce and levels of marriage satisfaction among them is significantly higher than those who don’t. 

Obviously, God intends for Christian husbands and wives to incorporate these two basic disciplines into their marriage. The numbers don’t lie about the benefits. Yet, before any of these disciplines become automatic, we need to execute a few algorithms of our own, like: 

Almost every couple in crisis I have counseled over the years is not praying or reading the Bible together. Contrast that with what we just learned research has proven to be true about Christian couples who do. Which category describes you and your spouse? I can only imagine the impact that married Christians can have for Christ in our world today, let alone experience the joy and happiness God intends if only spouses would seek Him together more often. So, what do you say? Let’s all work to make these new disciplines a very automatic part of our schedule!  

The terms “narcissism” and “narcissistic” appear to be getting a lot of attention these days. Much of the awareness seems to be attributed to the behavior of individuals known as Millennial’s, who essentially are people born between 1980 and 2000. Some of the more obvious characteristics of narcissism include a deep self-centeredness, a strong sense of entitlement, high craving for admiration, exaggerations of abilities, and a lack of empathy for others. 

It’s commonly believed that in teenagers and young adults, narcissism is often associated with helicopter parenting styles, such as constantly overemphasizing to children how wonderful and gifted they are, despite the presence of consistent bad behavior and poor decision making. Narcissism can also result from individuals consistently receiving awards and benefits, even though the effort put forth doesn’t warrant such accolades or recognitions. Social media also tends to play a significant role by allowing individuals to create and maintain an unrealistic façade, which, frankly, makes it easier for individuals to mask low levels of self-esteem or other damaging viewpoints of oneself.

In adults, narcissism shares most of the same characteristics as mentioned earlier. Yet here, the impact of narcissistic behavior can be more severe and widespread, mainly due to the length of time the individual has exhibited his or her behavior to others in their environments. In its extremity, this level of narcissism is often evidenced by outbursts of anger, becoming highly defensive when criticized, or demanding compliance to expectations without question. 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a legitimate, clinically recognized personality disorder. While more people today are seemingly diagnosed with NPD, not all narcissistic attitudes and behaviors should be tagged with this label. Frankly, everyone possesses some level of narcissism, characterized by pride and demonstrated through selfishness. Even though the diagnosis and treatment strategy might not be as complex as with full blown NPD, what’s needed to overcome these types of narcissistic tendencies can be just as difficult when the individual refuses to accept responsibility.  

Whether you’re gathering information about narcissism or directly dealing with conflict manifested by narcissistic behaviors, here are three things to consider:

Real change in this area involves so much more than what is listed here. If you or someone close seems to struggle with narcissism, we suggest you take time to become educated. The staff at Mayo Clinic put together information you can find here. Should professional help be needed, we suggest you seek out a respected Christian counselor in your area. 

If you spend any time in social media or watching major news channels, then you’re aware of the chaos-making headlines regarding the world today. People appear polarized in their beliefs and perspectives like never before. The more empowered and entitled they feel, the louder they become. Considering it all, no wonder so many folks today think the world is riddled with problems so complicated they can only be resolved using complex solutions.

What you just read can also be said about marriage. In fact, if you’ll take a moment to replace the phrase “the world” with the word “marriage”, you’ll see exactly what I mean! But are the solutions to these problems really all that complex? Maybe not so much, when we think fundamentally.

In that marriage is the blending of two sinful, basically selfish individuals, there will always be problems resulting in some level of chaos. But, it’s only when spouses move away from valuing and exercising the fundamentals that experiencing joy in marriage becomes hopeless. Doing small fundamental things right over time will most generally lead to experiencing major successes.

According to the National Science Foundation, the average person thinks around 12,000 thoughts per day. The deeper thinker can have upwards to 50,000 per day! Well, if that’s not bizarre enough, the majority of thoughts also come with expectations. For example, when you insert a key into the lock of your home’s front door, you expect it to become locked or unlocked. When you deposit money into a vending machine, you expect to receive a candy bar. When you visit a restaurant, you expect to receive a certain level of service.

Now be honest! What typically occurs when we turn the key while holding a sack full of groceries and the door won’t unlock? What about when the vending machine takes our last dollar and doesn’t deliver a candy bar? Or, when our hamburger arrives overcooked and the fries are cold? Thank you! For a moment, I thought it was just me who tends to complain about these injustices! But, why do we tend to complain so easily?

Most of the time, people complain believing it will, at a minimum, make them feel better. Some even tend to believe that by complaining louder and longer, they will actually obtain their desired outcome. And why not? We have been successfully employing these strategies in order to get our way long before most of us can remember.

Considering all this, it’s no wonder marriage can often be frustrating. It involves two people with at least 24,000 combined daily thoughts (most of which are attached to expectations), who are prone to complain when they don’t get their way! So, how can we begin to do things differently? Here’s a couple of thoughts:

So, how much complaining is going on in your marriage? Have you taken the time to analyze your expectations around those complaints? If not, I encourage you to do so. You may possibly be surprised to find that your expectations are somewhat unrealistic. If you feel your complaints are legit but aren’t getting favorable results, instead of grumbling seek counsel for how to approach the issue from another angle.

Do you know your love language? If married, do you know your spouse’s love language? Taking it one step further, if you have children, do you know their love language? Some of you are probably asking, “What the heck is a love language?” and others of you might be asking, “So, what’s the big deal about love languages any way”? 

According to Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, his five love languages are (1) Quality Time, (2) Gifts, (3) Affirmation, (4) Physical touch and (5) Acts of service. Virtually every one of us possess at least one of these love languages. And, it is very common for people to possess at two, if not more. Therefore, when a husband or wife intentionally extends one or more of these toward each other, it says “I love you” like almost nothing else can do. 

For example, my wife Lynne’s love languages are quality time and acts of service. However, just like there are major differences in our personality temperaments, we have differing love languages as well. My two love languages are affirmation and physical touch. When I intentionally unload the dishwasher without being asked, Lynne feels loved by me. When I schedule time for us to go on a walk or simply sit together on the couch while we watch a movie, what I really communicate to Lynne is, “I know you love this, and because I want you to know how special you are to me, I choose to honor you in this way.” What’s cool is when she expresses how proud she is of me or grabs my hand when we are walking, she communicates to me the same thing!

The importance of speaking each other’s love language in marriage is quite simple. When we take time to discover each other’s love language, then make intentional efforts to exercise them, our marriage is enriched and we grow together as husband and wife. I believe the opposite is true when we don’t. Romans 12:9 tells us to let love be without hypocrisy. We are to hate what is evil and to cling to what is good, to be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, giving honor and preference to one another. 

Here’s something to think about... God’s counsel here in Romans instructs how we are to love our fellow man, regardless who they are. If so, then I believe God intends much more for husbands and wives to live out His counsel in marriage. Especially when one considers how God’s design for marriage is intended to represent the relationship between Jesus and the church. 

So, now that you know about love languages and their importance to marriage, here’s some suggestions:

1. If you haven’t experienced the five love languages test, take time to take yours soon!?

2. Once you and your spouse have completed the testing process, be intentional to discuss your results with each other along with finding specific ways to exercise them in your relationship.?

3. If you have taken the test in the past, maybe it’s time to revisit your results. How well you are exercising them? What event/s led to you to stop blessing each other through your love languages.

We encourage you to visit our Strong Marriages Facebook page and let know about some of your most favorable love languages stories.

One the most popular verses of Scripture used at Christian weddings is Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and the two of them shall become one flesh”. So, if asked what do you think it means “to become one flesh?” Some might respond that it means separating from the security and protection of parents or care-givers in order to have a single identity as husband and wife. I would admit this response is pretty accurate. However, this one flesh identity doesn’t simply appear once the couple says, “I do”. It is created over time, and in order to experience this type of relationship to the fullest, it requires that the husband and wife be connected emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 

Connected emotionally means each spouse seeks to understand, recognize and meets the emotional needs of the other. Being physically connected not only involves being on the same page regarding sexual expectations, but it could also mean agreeing on the practice of good personal hygiene. Spiritual connectedness begins with a common belief shared between husband and wife that salvation only comes through receiving Christ as Savior, then through a shared commitment to grow and mature spiritually, both individually and as a couple. When spouses are connected in these ways, there is a better chance for intimacy to exist in the marriage. 

However, virtually all Christian husbands and wives who profess they experience a real “In-to me-you-see” type of intimacy in their marriage all share one common thing. In addition to those things already mentioned, they say having a strong commitment to prayer, individually and together is the differentiator. But isn’t it strange the thing possessing so much power to bond husband and wife in marriage is also the area where most Christian spouses tend to struggle the most? If this describes you, you might consider the following:

Learning more about prayer, and making it a consistent part of your daily life, both individually and together, will enable you to experience intimacy in your marriage like never before.

Would you agree or disagree that the phrase “I love you” seems to be overused these days? Think about it, how often do we hear people say things like, “I love your dress”, “I love your shoes”, “I love this food or that food”, or “I love it when ________” (You fill in the blank)? Could it be we ascribe our love to so many things today, the emotional value attached to saying, “I love you” in our most meaningful relationships somehow becomes minimized? So, how do we differentiate between any two types of love? Should one kind of love be more exclusive than another?

The best way to logically answer either of these questions is to first identify three different types of love, two of which are mentioned in Scripture. The one type not mentioned in the New Testament is called “Eros”. This is a physical, sensual or sexual type of love. Another type of love is “Phileo”, which is a brotherly type of love. This is more of an endearing love, denoting an emotional, caring concern one individual can have for another. The strongest love mentioned in the Bible is known as “Agape”. This is an unconditional love, exemplified best by God through Jesus Christ dying on the cross for sinners, thus giving them the right to be forever called a child of God once they receive Christ as Savior.

This is also the type of love God expects husbands and wives to demonstrate in marriage. Meaning, God expects husbands and wives to show love to each other, even when one or both spouses aren't acting lovable. Yet, before any spouse can be successful in this area, he or she must make a few choices. For example:

One of the most common complaints I hear from spouses in crisis is that somewhere in time, their love for each other just seemed to become non-existent in the relationship. In almost every situation, I find that one or both spouses became complacent and no longer intentional at demonstrating their love for the other in small ways. Most admit that when they did hear their spouse say, “I love you”, their actions seldom reflected their words.

How about you? How’s your attitude about love in your marriage? I encourage you to consider taking the “Love Chapter Challenge” found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Because God designed marriage, He also equips each of us with the ability to experience marriage the way He intended. If this area of your marriage needs improvement, begin by asking Him to help change your attitude. Learn to see your spouse in the same perspective as does God. Ask Him to help you find ways to serve them, opposed to expecting them to make you happy in marriage. I can tell you first hand that God will hear and act on your requests.

Most of us truly are creatures of habit. Especially when it comes to our morning routines. In fact, certain statistics show that the average wake-up time for most people is approximately 6:30 am and that 61% of these individuals have followed the same routine for over one year. Some of you might ask, “What’s the big deal with having a routine”? Having a routine is not necessarily a bad thing – unless the daily rituals within the routine aren’t exactly producing positive outcomes.

People tend to be the most productive in the first 2 hours of the morning. Unfortunately, the natural tendency for most is to spend the majority of these 2 hours doing things that either require little cognitive abilities, or prime our minds to be in a reactive state for a large portion of our day.

For example, 60% of the people surveyed reported looking at their cell phones immediately after waking up. Once this happens, the brain begins to respond chemically in such a way, it makes it difficult to reposition the person’s thoughts and actions. In a similar manner, 48% admit to checking e-mail right after waking up, which naturally puts the mind in a reactive or management state, also making it tough for us to shift back into a more positive state of mind.

If you find yourself stuck in a morning routine you'd like to change, here’s a few things for you to consider:

So, how intentional and productive are you early in your day? Even King David realized the value of early morning intentionality (Psalms 143:8). Should you need to change some of your morning routines, just remember you need to create a plan with reachable goals. It will likely take time, but if you want to make it to the other side of the street, you must be willing to step off the curb and start walking.   

Like so many other newly married couples, within a few months of our wedding ceremony, Lynne and I began to experience more conflict in our relationship. And, not unlike most other newlyweds, it didn’t take long before we both became frustrated and isolated. What we were experiencing certainly wasn’t what either of us envisioned for our marriage, and without a “Marriage Manual” to help us understand what was happening, we were stuck in a rut. Sound familiar?

All too often when couples are dating and falling in love, various characteristics and habits that tend to aggravate one person or the other are overlooked. One reason is because they are intentionally trying to meet each other’s needs and desires; therefore, overlooking those nagging dispositions and habits are easier. Most spouses discover that what they somehow believed would change after marriage, but didn’t, have become major barriers in their relationship.

It wasn't until I realized I wasn’t responsible for changing Lynne—yet I was responsible for loving her the way God intended (Ephesians 5:25-28)—that my frustrations begin to subside. Surprisingly, because Lynne also realized the same, she began to respond to my actions with more patience and understanding. While, even after 35 years of marriage, we find ourselves occasionally still trying to change something about the other, we can generally recognize what’s going on and make necessary mid-course corrections. Here are a few suggestions that seem to work for us:

If you and your spouse have never intentionally determined what each other will be responsible for in your marriage and what you will share, I encourage you to download this Responsibility Chart and make time to complete it together. Doing so just might help you better realize you too are not responsible for your husband or wife, but you are responsible to them.