What if you don’t want to recover anymore?

Not because you suddenly think your eating disorder was good for you. Not because you’ve forgotten how much it took from you. But because you’re fucking exhausted.

Exhausted from thinking about food. Exhausted from thinking about your body. Exhausted from watching your body change. Exhausted from wondering when you’ll finally feel normal again. Exhausted from having to choose recovery over and over again when part of you desperately misses the control your eating disorder gave you.

In this episode, I’m talking about the side of recovery we don’t always admit out loud: recovery fatigue, resentment, missing your eating disorder, grieving your old body and identity, being jealous of people who can casually diet, and wondering if all of this is actually worth it.

In today’s episode, we're talking about the messy, unglamorous middle of healing. Using some raw thoughts straight from my personal journal, we look at why your body is usually just a smokescreen for emotional burnout, and what you can actually do when the panic hits. Lower the bar, put on the baggy sweatpants, and let's talk about it.

Recovery is supposed to make you better… so why can it feel like you’re getting worse?

One year into recovery, I’ve learned that healing isn’t always the relief I thought it would be. Sometimes it’s exhaustion, uncomfortable body changes, bloating, food thoughts, anxiety, grief, and wondering if you made the right decision by choosing recovery in the first place.

In this episode, I’m talking about the part of recovery nobody really prepares you for when you’re doing everything you’re “supposed” to do, but you still don’t feel like yourself.

Because recovery isn’t always about feeling better right away. Sometimes it’s about getting through the uncomfortable part long enough to eventually have a life that feels better than the one your eating disorder gave you.

One year all in. 🤍

I thought recovery would have a finish line. I thought by one year I’d feel completely comfortable in my body, have all the answers, and finally feel “normal” again.

The reality has been so much messier.

This episode is the most honest look at what one year of all-in recovery has actually taught me , about food, extreme hunger, rest, body changes, fear, comparison, control, and learning to trust a body I spent years fighting.

Somewhere along the way, 1,200 calories became the “perfect” amount for women to eat. It’s on meal plans, TikTok, diet apps, and everywhere in between, but who decided 1,200 calories was enough?

In this episode, we’re breaking down what your body is actually using energy for every single day, from your brain, heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, hormones, immune system, muscles, digestion, temperature regulation, and basic cellular function to everything you do on top of simply staying alive.

We’re also talking about why eating more doesn’t automatically mean overeating, why hunger isn’t something you need to “beat,” how exercise changes energy needs, and why 1,200 calories can be especially dangerous when you’re coming from restriction or an eating disorder.

Because your body doesn’t only need energy when you’re working out.

It needs energy because you’re alive.

And maybe the goal was never supposed to be figuring out how little we can eat and still function.

Recovering from an eating disorder while everyone around you is dieting, losing weight, counting calories, taking weight-loss medications, and celebrating getting smaller is fucking hard.

It’s hard watching other people shrink while your body is changing in the opposite direction. It’s hard not to compare. It’s hard when a part of you feels jealous, even though you know you don’t actually want your eating disorder back. And it’s hard constantly questioning whether you’re really doing the right thing.

This episode is about the jealousy, comparison, grief, fear, anger, and loneliness that can come with recovering in a world that constantly tells us that smaller is better.

Because sometimes the hardest part of recovery isn’t choosing recovery.

It’s choosing recovery while everyone else is choosing to shrink.

I know my eating disorder was hurting me. I know I wasn’t healthy. I know recovery was necessary.

And yet… sometimes I still miss the body I had when I was sick.

I miss how small I felt. I miss recognizing myself in pictures. I miss clothes fitting the way they used to. And sometimes I feel guilty for even admitting that.

This episode is about the part of recovery that doesn’t get talked about enough: grieving your ED body while knowing you can never go back to it.

Because missing the way your body looked doesn’t mean you miss the disorder. It doesn’t mean you want to be sick again. And it doesn’t mean you’re failing at recovery.

Sometimes you can be incredibly grateful that you chose recovery and still be heartbroken over what you lost along the way.

Starting all-in recovery was the best decision I’ve ever made, but it was also so much harder than I expected.

In this episode, I’m sharing everything I wish someone had told me before I started. From the physical changes and emotional roller coaster to learning how to trust a body that feels completely unfamiliar, this is the conversation I needed when I was terrified to let go of control.

If you’re thinking about going all in, just starting recovery, or you’re deep in the messy middle wondering if you’re doing something wrong, this episode is for you.

You’re not failing. Recovery is hard because healing is hard. And you don’t have to go through it feeling alone.

Everyone talks about the moment you finally start eating again, but almost no one talks about what comes after.

In this episode, we’re diving into the phase of recovery that can feel the most confusing—the months after nutrition has improved, when you expected to feel better, but your body and mind are still healing. We’ll explore why recovery doesn’t end with eating more, how the nervous system slowly learns that it’s safe again, why hormones and digestion take time to regulate, what ongoing physical changes can look like, and why emotional healing often lags behind physical recovery.

We’re constantly told to eat “clean,” hit our protein goals, avoid processed foods, and optimize our health. But what happens when healthy habits slowly turn into an obsession?

In this episode, I share my personal experience with how the pursuit of health gradually became anything but healthy. We talk about the rise of wellness culture, the unrealistic standards social media promotes, and how algorithms can normalize food rules, body obsession, and disordered behaviors without us even realizing it.

If you’ve ever felt guilty for eating a cookie, believed you had to earn your food, or found yourself comparing your plate to someone else’s on Instagram or TikTok, this conversation is for you.