The MindfulMess with Gene & Matt

Humans love stories, and whether we realize it or not, most of us are usually narrating some kind of story about the things that happen around us. The challenge is that those stories aren't always accurate, and we all have personal biases that influence our perception of what those around us really mean by their words and actions. In this episode, we talk about mind reading, why it can cause conflict and challenge for us when we do it, and discuss what it looks like to adopt a different way of understanding the world, especially in relationships and interactions with those around us. Gene touches on how the work of cognitive behavioral therapy feeds into the ability to overcome mind-reading, and Matt provides a similar nod to acceptance commitment therapy to a similar end. Give it a listen and let us know what you think; after all, we can’t read your minds!

Hello everyone! In this episode, we welcome the fall and the stream of consciousness that it brings. We talk about all of the things you’d expect; pumpkin spiced lattes, our favorite holidays, seasonal affect disorder, the pitfalls of the modern medical institution, the responsibility we all have in facing our own personal suffering…you know, the usual! We thought we’d try a more free-roaming pace to this week’s episode, so we’ll leave it at that and hope that you enjoy the conversation. Let us know what you think!

We all agree that fairness is an important ideal in so many areas of our lives. We seek fairness in our relationships, in human and civil rights, in our workplaces, among many other places. But is it achievable? What does it really look like? What is the cost of pursuing fairness, and what is the cost of not pursuing it? We try to distinguish the difference between equality and equity, and why there’s a need to move beyond equality and see equity as the necessary evolution in the pursuit of fairness. We discuss how equity fits into the social movement for diversity and inclusion, especially in the workplace, where much of this conversation is happening. And Matt picks a bone with the expression that "life isn't fair." Fairness is much more than a state of things; it is a process, the result of all the choices we make, and a willingness to have hard conversations. To desire fairness is to also embrace the rapidly expanding definition of diversity, and define and redefine fairness with that understanding over and over again. We hope you enjoy this episode!

References:

Pre-sale link for Matt's Book!

Loving What Is - Byron Katie

This week, we explore the topic of optimism and pessimism. We discuss whether we think they are inherent traits or learned frameworks, and how they might influence our decision making throughout our lives. Matt proposes that they each exist on separate spectra rather than sharing opposite ends of a single spectrum, and we introduce how it intersects with realism as well. When does optimism start to turn into toxic positivity or ignorance? Is optimism a function of privilege? When does pessimism start to turn into depression and hopelessness? Are there situations where pessimism might be valuable? We ponder these questions and many more in our conversation; let us know what you think!

Perfectionism is something many of us struggle with, and for those of us who know it well, we know that it can create a lot of stress for us, and can feel heavy to carry in our day to day lives. In this week’s episode, we discuss perfectionism and where we think it comes from, as well as some of the psychological challenges it presents. We also tie it in with procrastination; Matt talks about some of the many ways that procrastination can creep into our lives and provides some suggestions for how to overcome it. Our conversation delves into the topics of perfectionism and how it influences self-esteem, how society escalates and pressurizes perfection, and even how our education systems perpetuate perfectionism in certain ways at their very core. We discuss what a path away from perfectionism could look like, and much more in this discussion. Thanks for listening, and please enjoy!

References:

American-Born Chinese on Disney+

We're back! In this episode, we explore the topic of acceptance of oneself and how it influences our ability to accept others. Matt helps us explore what it means to "belong to yourself" and Gene questions where we really draw the line of the people we "are" and the people that we "want to" or feel we are "supposed to be." We discuss how our self talk influences our behaviors, how it's often mirrored in how we treat others, and explore the importance of remaining curious when faced with novel social or cultural experiences. This led us to a conversation about diversity and its inevitability in today's world, and we ponder a different model of seeking understanding in the face of intolerance and some of today's challenges in holding the conversation around anti-racism. Give it a listen and let us know what you think!

References:

Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown

This week we tackle attachment styles, a big topic and one that we are both fascinated by! We discuss what attachment is on a basic level, what the different attachment styles are, and their origins as well as the behavior patterns that are characteristic of each style. We also talk about how those with insecure attachments might imagine moving to a more secure place, whether opposing insecure styles attract, as well as how to respond to certain attachment styles as an outsider to that person’s experience. We loved having this conversation so much, this episode is over two hours long! Pour a drink and pull up a seat, there’s lots to take in for this topic. We hope you enjoy it!

References:

Willow Pill's "I Hate People"

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

John Bowlby & Attachment Theory

Past Lives

In this episode of the MindfulMess, Gene & Matt discuss emotional intelligence and empathy. What is it, and why is it important? How does it show up, and is it a nature or nurture phenomenon? We discuss the three different types of empathy and how they are expressed, and share some personal accounts of how we express and exercise emotional intelligence. We also ponder the intersection of emotional intelligence with both gender norms as well as queer identity. Matt challenges the notion of the golden rule by proposing a Platinum rule when regarding empathy, and Gene emphasizes his belief in curiosity discovering others’ emotions rather than assuming that we know how to read them. We both relate to each other over the realization that we have a hard time accessing great expressions of joy and explore the reasons why that might be. These topics and many more in this week’s episode. Thanks for listening!

Welcome back! In a continuation of the Pride theme, Gene & Matt decide to share their coming out stories. In sharing these stories, we also touch on what a supportive reaction looks like to having someone come out to you, as well as whether there is a right or wrong time to come out. This episode is anecdotal so we’ll leave the show notes here and invite you to jump right into the conversation!

References:

Heartstopper on Netflix

Matilda by Harry Styles from his album Harry's House

Happy Pride, girlies! This week, in anticipation of DC Gay Pride festivities, Gene & Matt discuss what Pride means to them. We talk about the significance of Pride as political activism, but also as a beacon of hope for young people, as well as a broader celebration of inclusion. Matt talks about some of the harmful effects of loved ones who “worry” for their queer friends and family, and highlights the persistent and increasing visibility of queer people in spite of growing displays of hatred and bigotry, which continues to state the importance of Pride in our culture. Gene touches on the animal tendency to fear differences and engage in “othering” behaviors, and how Pride is our courageous human attempt to overcome fear-based discrimination and embrace our uniqueness instead. These topics and many more in our Pride edition; we hope you enjoy them! And Happy Pride once again; have fun and be safe!