The MindfulMess with Gene & Matt

We’re back! After our break last week, Matt and Gene come together to discuss the topic of forgiveness and of letting things go. We try to first define what forgiveness is, and what it means to forgive. When is it appropriate to forgive, and who does it really benefit? Do forgiveness and letting go walk hand in hand, or are they actually separate actions? Is there a meaningful difference between letting something go and forgetting it happened? We also veer a little bit into the topic of anger and how that influences our ability or willingness to forgive. Tune in to hear our discussion!

References:

Response bias - the tendency for people to answer a question the way they think you want them to (or answering untruthfully in general)

Confirmation bias - the tendency for you to notice and favor information that confirms your beliefs or hypotheses

In this episode, we explore the idea of objectivity and subjectivity. We question the notion as to whether there is such a thing as true objectivity, and try to distinguish the idea of objectivity from social norms. We weigh the pros and cons of both ideas, and discuss whether they exist on opposite sides of a spectrum, or if they are more two sides of the same coin. Gene ponders whether a completely subjective approach to living life is limiting to our sense of perspective. Matt discusses the importance of practicing holding an objective lens to some of our subjective life experiences, and even discusses how many therapeutic approaches seek to accomplish this. We also discuss a division of mind that differentiates between the observing mind and the thinking mind, and tie that into how mindfulness moves us toward the objective in ways that help us deal with hardship or trauma. This episode is longer and covers even more topics than described here, so check it out and let us know what you think! Additionally, next week Gene & Matt will both be unable to record, so we’re taking a bye week and will plug back in the following week! Thanks for listening.

References:

Podcast episode on 10 weeks of CBT in 10 days

Gene's favorite cartoon show, Steven Universe

Eye movement desensitization reprocessing therapy (EMDR)

In Episode 10, we resume the conversation on identity - Gene opens the conversation by talking about how he categorizes the major facets of his identity, particularly his race and how his early family experiences influence his social behaviors even today. We discuss how our identities influence the way we form connections and relationships with others, for example seeking out those who are similar to us versus being attracted to people who are opposite to or very different from us. We also talk about how to parse out what parts of our identities are truly born of ourselves, and what parts are imposed upon us by society. Matt shares more detail about the strength and thriving he found after conversion therapy, and Gene opens up about his thoughts on his racial identity and the personal struggles he has experienced in being a queer person of color living in the states. We wrap the conversation up discussing the question of whether people can really change - what do you think? Do people really change?

In Episodes 9 and 10, we explore notions of identity: what makes up our identity, and how do we think we form our identities? The topic of nature vs. nurture comes up, naturally (or nurturally? :P), and we talk about internal vs. external personas and how those might differ. This conversation also gets a little personal as we each share what the most significant aspects of our respective identities are, to entertain the question, “how would you describe yourself to others?” and then “how would other people describe you?” We ponder how our queer identities influence our thoughts and behaviors and even touch lightly on the topic of kinks and fetishes. Tune in to the following week to hear Part 2!

Welcome to Episode 8, where we touch on the topic of vulnerability. Like boundaries, vulnerability is an important component to establishing and maintaining connection with others; Gene describes it as the “secret sauce” to deepening relationships. We contest the notion that vulnerability is a sign of weakness, and propose that it is actually one of the best demonstrations of courage. We ponder the distinction between vulnerability and oversharing, and also explore what the barriers to vulnerability might be. Matt shares some psychological tools that he’s encountered in his practice as it pertains to vulnerability, and emphasizes the importance of making space for vulnerability, both in interactions and within ourselves.

And here are some of the references from this episode:

Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown

A Wiki entry that explains SUDs or subjective units of distress

Matt explains the "proximal zone of tolerance" but meant to say "window of tolerance"

In this episode, we branch out from the topic of relationships to discuss the importance of boundaries and communication. Boundaries are ways in which we sculpt and shape healthy relationships both with others and within ourselves, and communicate the need for mutual respect and psychological safety. We also notice the parallels between boundary styles and communication styles, and posit that setting boundaries can be a compassionate experience, instead of one that creates distance or tension. Developing and reinforcing boundaries do not box us in, rather they set us free to be ourselves!