Note: Hiiii okay I’ve never done/posted anything like this before but it totally feels wonderful to have gotten the emotions out regarding this relationship. It was reaaally cathartic and totally experimental so I’m very happy with how it all turned out!! I guess just wanted to say here that,, this is my first time doing this life as far as I know so… please take it easy on me lmao
I also did this at like midnight in my bathroom so. I had the shower on so I [ideally] didn’t wake up my downstairs neighbors. apologies for the extra noise and (?)weird audio. Alr hope y’all enjoy ^^
Full poem below [see also the transcript]
Section I
I wear my pain with power
and pride
She is with me now
as I collapse in on myself
Asking “why did it have to
be this way?”
(It didn't, but he chose this).
I find myself
thinking about you weekly,
monthly, yearly
though we haven't talked since
I was 17.
You had messaged me
from a throw-away number,
(a coward as always)
and I told you
Never to talk to me again,
to so much as think of me,
or I would persecute you
to the fullest extent
of the law.
But here you are,
finding me every night
at 21.
It's as if every time
I dream of you,
I discover a new way
you sunk your teeth into my
supple skin,
clawed at my bones
and tugged at my heart strings.
You wrapped your fingers
in her tender flesh,
called to my soul just to
dress her in locks and chains.
This time will not be the last
time, but I find power in this anger.
This will not be the last
time
I see through
your facade and
your pattern of cruelty.
You appeared to me desired
and holy, until
my body excorcised
your flesh prison
and
all that was left
was the devil.
He who was present in
every fuck, every snarl,
every look you gave me.
I was your Queen,
Your sanctuary
the reason you
remained
when you
ascended
But in that
moment
I discovered you
had only stayed
to extinguish
my flame.
It was too late
to leave without
a clash of teeth
and bones
bloody sheets and
cursed tongues.
Your abuse is the curse
that keeps giving,
but I survived your claws and
teeth by growing
fangs of my own
Thick scaly skin to
compensate for
the frequent licks
of your sacreligious
purity.
Section II
Tomorrow night,
I will eat you whole
when you
gallavant
through my
dreamscape
like a hungry sadist
(as you explore
my body
and home like
a new frontier
to conquer).
You never owned me,
though you acted
like you did--
keeping me like a
sacred / unholy
plot of fertile / expired land
under lock and key
(“to keep the
desolate out”
read your lips,
Your arms
squeezed
tight around
my throat).
You never owned me,
yet you circumcised
my friendships
my family
When I gained conscience
and stopped
shapely enacting
your sour fantasy
(You retracted
my royalty
at the snap of
your fingers).
You never called me a princess,
you called me slurs
For I was your slave,
entitled to clean up
your mess upon
my bloody hands and knees.
You screamed and
sobbed when I
withdrew my abundance,
Let you stew in pestilence,
allowed you to reap what you had
blasphemously sewed.
You told me you’d harvest
the soil itself if I kept this up;
That I had promised a bounty
bigger than you could imagine,
and I'd better hold up my end of
the bargain.
So I agreed to keep sweet,
and withdrew my roots
with baited breath
(vulnerable for only you).
I let the mushrooms flourish,
decompose and renew
my poisoned fields so
that my love could feast.
Section III
I pray that you enjoyed this meal
I prepared with love,
That it has kept you fat
and satisfied through this
long winter.
I pray that you only realize now
what I have done,
too late to save yourself
from your own fucking poison.
I pray the mushrooms multiply
and thrive with my sacrifice,
until your body is full of puss
and you're rotting from the inside out.
I pray your soul chains itself
stubbornly to the disease as it
always has.
i pray that you remain unchanging,
stagnant and suffering,
boiled alive by your
feverish hunger for
what was never yours.
I pray that your soil will be mine
to use when it's all said and done,
I pray for justice and this is
my piéce du resistance.
I pray that the next time
you cross my path
it’s my fantasy, not yours
Where I have fuller teeth
and claws than
even your devil could muster.
Sharpened with love,
through kindness and cruelty,
though I don't use my claws
unless I am forced to.
I’m armed with a sickness
stronger than the black death
and I wear my power with
pain and pride.
That is the difference
between you and I,
I always loved myself for
my faults / powers
even when you proved to me
that you didn't.
Don’t you dare forget that
Aphroditus,
Goddess of love
and divinity
also rules war and death.
She consumes Aries
in the bedroom,
and he bears her love / poison
with devotion
and prowess.
When you're so caught up
in your own destruction,
don't forget that it only reminds me
of my power
and your stagnation / weakness.
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