The Native American Wars Podcast

An episode where Panfilo de Narvaez, the Butcher of Caonao, manages to prove himself the least competent conquistador to ever live.  Truly an idiot, his fortune was based upon friendship with an aristocratic relative who happened to rule Cuba.  Outnumbering Cortez roughly six to one, he managed to lose his men, his post and his eye.  But his next adventure would make prison and disfigurement seem like a miraculous victory - tune in and find out.  What an Idiot!

Ponce De Leon obtains the Charter for Florida, then finds it and some not so cooperative indigenous people who have anticipated his arrival and intentions.  See Cayusa tribesman fling items both pointy and barbed at the encroaching swarthy, lustful Spaniards!  See Ponce returning to the same spot near present day Tampa to see what a poison arrow can do to your heart, or your thigh!  See your humble hosts aim poisoned insults at the Tampa metro area!  Feel the frustration of the truncated, "Soprano's" style conclusion!   See if this episode was worth the roughly 3 month wait?  See that despite several episodes of promises, we STILL aren't really in North America!  Tampa doesn't count!

My friends, in this new 'merca, tell me - why can't we have both?  Why wouldn't our best friends trudge across that icy bridge into 'merca with our first peoples?  It's unpatriotic to even think that the new Americans wouldn't bring their puppies with them!  Meanwhile, in the olde country, nomadic tribes from the Eastern Steppes were introducing our soldiers to a number of colossal, bestial breeds for war - Alaunt and Mastiff-types with jaws capable of crushing out the hope of the cuāuhocēlōtl (look it up, damned if I can pronounce it).   These animals were armored like the horses of the conquistadors, and you'll hear all about them if you give a listen!

Meet Juan Ponce De Leon, the conquistador voted most likely to succeed (Order of Calatrava Yearbook, 1487) and the richest man in all Hispaniola.  See how cassava root and a little know-how made Juan Ponce De Leon the most sought after conquistador in Florida!  He doesn't need no stinkin' Fountain! Also, a dog named Becarillo and his buddy Diego de Salazar helped some.

An episode in which we finally lay Columbus to rest (literally) and talk in brief, hushed tones about the Big Secret that none of y'all's 4th grade History Books ever discussed - the revenge of the indigenous people on the Old World - syphilis.  Controversial theories, insulting implications and shocking revelations abound!  Plus a solar eclipse!  Bring your special sun-glasses and enjoy!  There is some strange grumbling in the background also, to distract and confound your senses, like a roller coaster (virtual of course, we can't even pay for a speedy uber).

Bartolome de las Casas was a Dominican and a lifelong advocate for the indigenous peoples of South and Central America.  Unfortunately, this stance wasn't designed to maximize the earning potential of the encomenderos, and thus doomed to failure.  This is a little bit of his story.

The jolly fat man whose belly shakes like a bowl of jelly brings the native peoples of La Hispaniola some memorable gifts that fuzzy Christmas of 1492.  How about some 30-odd swarthy, horny, heavily-armed Spaniards and a virulent disease to which you have no microbial resistance!  The seeds of conflict are planted as 1492 passes into 1493, and Columbus returns (heavily reinforced!) to find a bunch of ruins, some Spanish bodies and no gold at all.  What would Jesus do?

Enough is enough - the Taino Cacique Enrique finds Spanish Justice totally about "Spanish" and almost never about "Justice."  Makes a man want to head for the hills, gather a bunch of fellow slaves and allies and kick some butt.

Wherein Chris Columbus and his henchmen run into some trouble - and find that the beautiful Christmas Present that they left the indigenous peoples of La Hispaniola in 1493 has not been particularly appreciated.  Has the gift of greedy, horny, bearded Spaniards ever truly been appreciated?

OK, Ol' Chris didn't find NORTH America, which is the half-continent within our oeuvre.  But you can't talk about them 'Mercan Indians without him - he was an important trendsetter in the new world and stands for important and recognizable principles, like greed, lust and hubris.  As bright and intelligent as he indubitably was, he was also, as my granny from central Kentucky might have remarked, "touched."  Tune in - we got several episodes on Columbus, the Caribbean and Conflict!