FIVE NEW FLASH-CANT WORDS AND PHRASES —

• "On the Mace"
• "Angelics"
• "Misstopper"
• "Bone" and "Bank the swag"
• "Arch doxies, ack pirates, pigmen, rum quod culls, laced women and flowers of society"

Plus a chapter each from our five vintage Penny Dreadfuls!

0:04:20: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 49 —

• Poor barber’s apprentice Tobias Ragg remains in a state of temporary insanity. But Tobias’s dim-witted mother has brought back his childhood sweetheart, Minna Grey. Will she be able to bring him back to his senses? And if she does, will he be able to tell anything that will shed light on Sweeney Todd’s many crimes?

0:17:50: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 11—

• A strange traveler comes to the Hand and Keys inn and knocks on the door just as a guest is telling of a horrible murder that was committed there eight years previously. A not-over-well-liked steward was stabbed to death and robbed. The knocker is brought in by the fire, and the story continues; but the newcomer becomes agitated and goes upstairs before too long. He seems very uneasy. Then ... a pistol shot rings out on the night air, and a terrified scream ...

0:45:20: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 11—

• Henry Bannerworth urges Charles Holland to flee and leave the vampire-blighted Bannerworth family to its fate; but he steadfastly refuses to do so, reaffirms his commitment to Flora, and asks to be billeted in the room in which the undead apparition visited her. Will he prove more than a match for Vampey? He hopes so.

1:04:30: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 11—

• Jack is in a tight spot — trapped in a churchyard vault with the fresh corpse of the thief he has just frightened to death, and with a crowd growing outside attracted by the thief’s terrified shrieks. If he’s caught in the vault, he’ll be prosecuted for murder! Can he escape? How?

1:20:40: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 11—

• We meet another couple of characters ... an elderly man with rat-like eyes by the name of Samuel Crank, who is an Agent for something or someone; nobody in the neighborhood knows precisely who, or even what Samuel Crank looks like! Then a tall, dark man comes to his office, and we recognize him as Colonel Mephistopholes — Oscar Bertrand himself. What fresh deviltry could they have afoot? Then a knock at the door, and Mephistopholes hides to eavesdrop. Who could it be? What could they want?

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

IN WHICH we explore a fascinating little guidebook for all aspiring Swell Coves, from 1840. It’s titled “Hints to Men-About-Town,” and was written by an anonymous knight of the goosefeather who identifies himself only as “The Old Medical Student.”

It's a series of three, starting with this episode. In it, we'll learn how to gracefully recover from the visible effects of getting involved in a drunken riot, or a street brawl, or maybe an unsuccessful attempt to box a charley — or whatever other unfortunate chain of events is likely to ensue when a high-spirited young man-about-town cries, “Hold my blue ruin and watch this!”

Not all of this is good medical advice, I'm sorry to say. There have been a few updates to the basic book of physic in the 185 years since this little guidebook was written.

Here's an outline of the contents ...

• 00:00: Overview, and some info about early-Victorian medicine
• 09:00: How to fix black eyes WITHOUT electric sparks
• 21:00: How to fix black eyes WITH electric sparks and/or magnets
• 24:45: How to fix bloody noses
• 25:30: How to fix sprained limbs
• 28:45: How to re-seat a dislocated thumb after you have punched a fellow roisterer really hard without knowing what you're doing (this apparently happened a lot).

NEXT TUESDAY in Part 2 we'll learn some late-Regency Best Practices on keeping up the appearance of being a heavy drinker without ending up with a horrible hangover... and

THE FOLLOWING TUESDAY, Part 3 is crammed with 185-year-old tips on how to navigate the many social and emotional (as well as, er, medical) issues that can challenge a fast young rake due to — hmm, how do I put this delicately? —excessive enjoyment of the company of very friendly ladies.

Join us!

A THIEVES' SONG TRANSLATED —

• The beak looked big, and shook his head, heigh-ho the beak!

• He wished those family coves were dead, that honest folk might get their bread; heigh-ho the beak!
• The family cove, he grinned a grin, heigh-ho the cove!
• He said 'to prig I think no sin, for sure a Romany must have tin'; heigh-ho the cove!

Plus a chapter each from our five vintage Penny Dreadfuls!

0:04:30: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 48 —

• Poor Tobias Ragg’s dingbat mother has made things worse instead of better. But then the colonel learns Tobias has a sweetheart named Minna Grey, and so he asks old Mrs. Ragg to bring her. Will she be able to restore Tobias’s sanity?

0:21:45: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 10—

• Highwayman Dick Turpin and his pretty rescuee make it out of the neighborhood as Dick racks his brain for a place he can bring her. Then he thinks of his portly old pal Tom Davis, landlord of the Hand and Keys Inn near Hornsey Wood! Will they make it there in safety?

0:36:30: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 10—

• The tomb-raiding party has just arrived back at the house when the sound of Flora’s pistol shot smites upon their ears. They rush to the house — and find a scene of much confusion ... and a new character joins our dramatis personae: Flora’s Intended, Charles Holland, has just arrived! But can she allow him to share her destiny, now that she has fallen victim to a vampire?

0:50:15: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 10—

• Two of the drunks from the bar next door to the pigeon house see Ellen Folder’s bundle of work hanging from the window and work out a plan to steal it! Will they succeed? And what will happen to Ellen if they do?

1:08:00: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 10—

• Robert Merton, the self-made millionaire who has fallen for Lady Edith Vandeleur and is soon to marry her, is having some second thoughts. Will they enable him to avoid the terrible matrimonial mistake he is about to embark upon? Or ... will they cause him to double down, and make things worse? Bet you can guess ...

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

FIVE NEW FLASH-CANT WORDS AND PHRASES —

• "Autem bawler"
• "Cat's meat shop"
• "Bulldogs"
• "Cross-crib"
• "Hoister mots, high tobers, and Moabites"

Plus a chapter each from our five vintage Penny Dreadfuls!

0:04:30: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 47 —

• Johanna Oakley’s mother is on a rampage, trying to persuade her to consent to marry Pastor Lupin. Luckily, Big Ben the beefeater stops by with some victuals ... and, remember, last time that happened, Mrs. Oakley put some kind of savage purgative in the beer. Is Big Ben plotting some kind of revenge? You shall hear...

0:19:15: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 9 —

• Highwayman Dick needs to get away from Drury-lane, and take Ellen with him. But the neighborhood is alarmed! Not to worry, he has a plan — with Ellen’s help, he thinks it will be all right. Next week we’ll find out if he’s right!

0:32:00: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 9—

• We return to Flora, waiting for the men to get back from their midnight visit to the crypt. And she keeps hearing little scratching noises outside the room ... is the vampire coming back for her? Trembling with terror, she shrinks back away from the window, burrowing into the bedclothes for security ... and coming up with a pistol in each hand. Come get some, Vampey!

0:46:30: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 9—

• Drunken brute Bill Jackson is at poor Ellen Folder’s door, demanding the rent and threatening to get it by seizing her employer’s property. If he does, she will be ruined — financially and maybe even criminally! The workhouse if she’s lucky, prison if she’s not! Can Spring-Heel’d Jack save her from a fate that really WOULD be worse than death? We shall see.

1:06:15: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 9—

• We meet a new cast of characters — a very old man and his niece and grand-nephew, Antony. He has called them to his bedside to unburden his conscience of a great evil that he says he has done. But he clearly does not trust Antony. What could it be? And is Antony to be trusted with such a secret?

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

IN WHICH we learn some of the back story of the unlikely "hero" of Black Bess; or, The Knight of the Road, courtesy of a 12-page children's chapbook published by Samuel and John Keys of Devonport in or around 1840 ... almost exactly 100 years after the real Dick Turpin was hanged for his depredations!

Be sure to join us this Saturday night for the next full episode of the Penny Dreadful Story Hour!

*stands for "A Fate Worse Than Death." We'll be seeing a lot of this!

FIVE NEW FLASH-CANT WORDS AND PHRASES —

• "Lawful Blanket"
• "Gunpowder"
• "Timber merchant"
• "Swill Tub"
• "Philistines"

Plus a chapter each from our five vintage Penny Dreadfuls!

0:05:00: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 46 —

• The ostler from a hotel across the way arrives just in time to save Hector, the dog, from Sweeney Todd’s pistol. Then, as he rages over his failure to kill the dog, a customer comes into the shop, with 3000 pounds’ worth of jewels in his pocket and a small boy in tow. By now we know the score: Todd is going to try to get the little boy to leave the shop long enough for him to “disappear” the father and pocket the 3000 quid. Will it work?

0:18:30: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 8 —

• Highwayman Dick Turpin, while escaping from the Bow-street runners, slips into the house next door and finds there the lady of the house vigorously beating a pretty orphan girl whom she has taken on, supposedly as a capmaker’s apprentice but really — remember our Flash Academy word from earlier today, Academician? Reading between the lines, it’s clear the pretty orphan girl is intended to be ... rented out, by the hatchet-faced old capmaker woman. Can Dick rescue her from this Life of Shame? Will they escape from the grabs? We shall see!

0:36:15: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 8—

• The Bannerworth family party has made its way into the vault and identified which of the coffins was made to contain the mortal remains of their ancestor, Sir Runnagate Bannerworth, after his death in 1640. They hasten to open it. Will they find a skeleton inside? Or a fully undecayed body of an undead vampire? Or nothing at all, which would suggest that the undead ancestor is even now out searching for another Feast of Blood in the moonlight? We’ll see ...

1:00:30: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 8—

• We meet yet another pretty girl in distress — 22-year-old Ellen Folder, a seamstress who is three weeks behind in her rent. Her landlord has come home drunk, belligerently demanding his money and threatening to seize Ellen’s employer’s property to cover it. If he does, she will be financially ruined, with no resource but the workhouse — and as every reader in 1867 well knew, the workhouse really WOULD be a Fate Worse Than Death! Will she escape from her landlord’s clutches and preserve her employer’s property? Well ... it’s complicated. You’ll see what I mean next week.

1:20:00: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 8—

• We rejoin poor Ellen Clavering, now Mrs. Darcy, a sad little bird living in a golden cage surrounded by every luxury but forbidden to speak to her father. She is rich, but miserable. Then Mr. Darcy — Colonel Bertrand — arrives with a white-faced gentleman, and we learn the outcome of the duel by the sea-shore.

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

FIVE NEW FLASH-CANT WORDS AND PHRASES —

• "Academician"
• "Tog and kicks"
• "Shooting the cat"
• "Jobber knot"
• "Knife it"

Plus a chapter each from our five vintage Penny Dreadfuls!

0:04:10: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 45 —

• Major Bounce steps into Sweeney Todd’s shop and asks to have his mustache shaved off ... will Sweeney Todd “polish him off,” do you think? We’ll see.

0:18:00: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 7 —

• Highwayman Dick Turpin is awakened from his slumber with the word that the “redbreasts” — Bow Street runners, basically the police — are searching the hotel for him! Can he escape from their clutches?

0:39:50: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 7—

• In which the Bannerworth party, eager to see proof that the vampire is NOT their ancestor, steal away by moonlight to the family vault to open his coffin ... will the body still be there, or is it out on the heath seeking another life-renewing draft from poor Flora’s throat?

1:07:45: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 7—

• Alas! The police have come to arrest the young wife Jack saved from a Fate Worse Than Death. Evil Mr. Grasper, his loins aching with frustration, accuses her of having stolen the check her husband foolishly forged. Has she forgotten to destroy it? And will the old letcher get away with this? Not if Spring-Heel'd Jack can help it!

1:20:00: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 7—

• Colonel Bertrand has challenged the Marquis of Willoughby to a duel with pistols after the Marquis caught him cheating at cards. Will the brave-hearted Marquis be slain? Will wickedness reign triumphant? And what, if anything, is Lord Lionel’s guilt in this fratricidal plot?

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

FIVE NEW FLASH-CANT WORDS AND PHRASES —

• "Glim"
• "Bolt the moon"
• "Nubbing"
• "Flat-catchers"
• "The holy land"

Plus a chapter each from our five vintage Penny Dreadfuls!

0:03:45: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 44 —

• Mrs. Lovett, disappointed at learning the truth about her new beau, Major Bounce, plots to avenge her wounded pride by getting him made into pies ...

0:20:00: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 6 —

• Highwayman Dick Turpin, weak from loss of blood, sees a spectral horseman in the moonlight. Is it a premonition of coming death? Will he make it safely to the thieves' rookery on Drury Lane for some much-needed rest?

0:40:30: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 6—

• In which we learn some interesting facts about the Bannerworth family. Could the dreaded vampire actually be Sir Runnagate Bannerworth, George and Henry's own grandfather? A desperate scheme is hatched to learn the truth ...

0:58:40: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 56—

• We we learn that Ralph Grasper, the lecherous villain who tried to subject virtuous Jane Slater to a Fate Worse than Death, was even more treacherous than we thought!

1:22:30: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 56—

• Colonel Bertrand is plotting, and we begin to suspect he intends to murder Lord Lionel’s older brother! There is to be a duel with pistols ... there can be only one possible outcome ...

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

Just a quick update! After "dogfooding" last Saturday's episode, Prof. Flash has concluded that —

• the "Dreadful Dossiers" slow things down too much ...
• so does having Sweeney Todd and Varney the Vampyre back-to-back ...
• dogfooding is great and P.F. highly recommends the same to all fellow creative professionals!

Be sure to join us this Saturday for the next full episode of the Penny Dreadful Story Hour!

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

0:03:45: DREADFUL-DOSSIERS REPORT —

• A 10-minute briefing on how The Barber of Fleet-street; or, The String of Pearls (feat. Sweeney Todd) came to be.

0:14:00: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 43 —

• We open on Mr. Todd getting a letter from Mr. Fogg, lying to him to tell him Tobias has died. He is pleased, but then he slips upstairs to make sure no one has been in his house. Will he catch Mr. Crotchet there, snooping around? We shall see.

0:28:45: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 5 —

• The Bannerworths are surprised to receive a letter from their new neighbor, Sir Francis Varney, offering assistance in their hour of need. They agree to ignore it. Then as evening falls, they again see the spectral form of their vampire-like visitor skulking about the grounds! They pursue it, pistols blazing. But can it be killed with mortal means? We shall see ...

0:57:30: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin) Ch. 5 —

• The band of robbers returns to their hut in the wood while Dick Turpin is down below. There are more than a dozen of them, and they know someone is inside. Dick is in a tight spot! Can he escape from their clutches?

1:11:15: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK Ch. 5 —

• Jack’s would-be captor hurries home ... but his wife has locked the garden gate, and is so frightened she drops the key and can’t find it. Will he ever get inside? (You might want to skip this chapter.)

1:22:30: THE BLACK BAND Ch. 5 —

• We rejoin the wicked Lady Edith Vandeleur at a fancy Belgravia ball. One of her admirers, a self-made millionaire industrialist, is about to propose marriage. Will she accept him? What will that mean for Lord Lionel Mountfort, who joined the Companions of Midnight on Colonel Bertrand’s promise that he would be her bridegroom? A storm is gathering ...