Ndugu is not sleeping well. He is having nightmares about drowning. The floods have brought back memories of when he was living in Kariobangi, forgot to close the tap only to wake up and find everything in his suspicious bedsitter floating in a pool

Of water. We spent the better part of Friday assuring him that he is okay now.

Eddy, who lives by the side of a river, not to be confused with Riverside, is also going through a tough time.

Only Mbanacho seems to be unaffected by it all, but on Friday we had his cousin in studio who made us all wonder what happened when Mbanacho was being created. His cousin looks like she was really created on the seventh day while Mbanacho looks like his all creation was an afterthought. We are soon reaching out to his mother, Maggy, so she can tell us what went wrong.

Ladies, gents, here is your weekly podcast.

So apparently before Brian had the ambition to become a musician, he wanted to be an entrepreneur, which is why he invested a lot of money (read, a thousand bob) with his cousin into a chicken business. He was in high school then, already seeing dreaming big, planning to supply all restaurants in Bungoma with chickens and eggs, that until his cousin decided to Murife with the money and he still bitter till now.

Ndugu, on the other hand, came back home one evening from work to find someone else had moved into his house. What he didn’t know is that the cousin he was hosting had moved out and emptied the house, clearing the house for the new tenant. He didn’t hear from that cousin for three years.

Eddy was not in studio, and we cannot confirm nor deny that he was out conning people. In his place we had daktari Ken, who is taking advantage of the doctors’ strike to launch his podcasting career.

The main question we could not answer or come to an agreement in this episode is only one:

In the doggy position, who is the DOG?

This question needs an answer. What do you think?

With the doctors prolonged strike, we brought in our resident doctor. Daktari wa miti, the bother brother from Kitui Ken to fill in(pun?) the gap(too soon?).

Daktari posed a medical question to us, ukifanya DNA after 18 years upate watoto si wako utado? The medical part is the DNA bit. The utado part is more social than medical. Given that you thought ulido na kumbe si wewe ulido, we split opinions along, moral, religious—kiasi tu— legal and social lines. Our conclusion was however universal, unaweza Dhani wewe ni baba, na kumbe wewe ni babe tu. Baba ako Kawangware anakutafunia.

So,swali ni, ukipata after all these years wewe si baba, ataendelea kua babe? Na wewe utaendelea kua baba?

Listen in:

Alafu, tunawapanga na maneno ya live recording ya kwanza ya 2024. Calling on all wa-babas, all wa-babe. We shall give details in coming weeks.

So Eddy went missing for two weeks and when he came back, he asked if we would be okay with watching two men kiss live-live. I quickly said I would not be okay and asked we remain professional because I thought he was about to kiss Ndugu. Ndugu also quickly looked away and declared he has a woman that he loves very much.

“Eddy, love is love, but that’s not why we started this podcast!”

Turned out he was on a movie set where two men, actors, had to kiss and he wasn’t sure whether to look away or take it all in. We will also not speculate on whether he enjoyed looking or not.

Ladies, gents, the gang was back together for this Podcast and because we hadn’t seen each other in a while, we were too excited to focus, so we rambled about one or two things, which you can listen to here.

By now it’s an open secret that if you can’t chew gum like you are possessed, no one will hire you as their receptionist or M-Pesa lady. Chewing gum calmly is a sign you are a weak person who doesn’t have what it takes to be mean to people. No one will hire you either if you are ever smiling and eager to help others. That kind of good-heartedness is highly frowned upon in these two noble professions. To excel as a receptionist or M-Pesa lady, you must exhibit an impeccable ability to make one’s bad day worse. Either that or you find yourself something else to do, like welcoming people to your YouTube channel.

I suspect receptionists and M-Pesa ladies are somehow required to intern under nurses with at least a decade of experience.

Anyway, these are not words of The Podcast With No Name. In fact, the podcast distances itself from these accusations and lays the responsibility squarely on Mbanacho’s shoulders. See, what happened is Ndugu and Eddy couldn’t make it to the studio and Mbanacho decided to use that opportunity to settle scores. He aired the grievances he has had with receptionists for a long time now and as the podcast we are looking for a therapist for him because he needs to heal.

Here is what he had to say.

You know this Podcast is toxic when Ndugu decides to celebrate himself on International Women's Day for being the only boy in his high school to successfully excel both in academics and in his romantic relationship. He was doing so well the school asked him if he would temporarily take over as the school principal so he can show the real principal how proper leadership and excellence looks like.

Mbanacho, on the other hand, chose to celebrate himself by declaring himself the Olivia Pope of Kenya. He told a wild tale of how he led a vigorous campaign that saw his primary school teacher of English clinch a lucrative political campaign. No one believed him, of course, but also no one wanted to tell him the truth.

Eddy called in sick. He said he is celebrating the day by doing real work on the ground, and that is making the women in his life know the answer to the most important question in a woman's life, and that is, "Who is your daddy?"

Ladies and gents, here is a Podcast you don't want to miss. Or a podcast you want to miss, if you don't think highly of yourself. Tune in:

Because we are risk takers, we hosted La Patrona on the podcast where she proceeded to strangle Eddy with her big brains and English, using words like 'decentering men' and 'global south' and 'food sovereignty,' and by the time she was done Eddy wanted his mother.

Ndugu, upon learning La Patrona was coming, immediately developed a stomachache and rushed to the hospital, even though sources closer to the source claim kaswende is a possibility. He later walked in studio speechless and humble.

Mbanacho was just mesmerized with La Patrona and he tried matching her prowess with big English of his own, using words like 'A new man,' but neither Karambu nor La Patrona would let him land. He started sweating so much we had to end the show.

Ladies and gents, here is one of the rarest podcast episodes where clever things were said. Listen in here:

If you were in the studio with us for this week's episode, you'd agree that it is upon us to adopt this credo, that no caption can best describe Diana Mosoba. Or some of Diana Mosoba's preternatural ideas about Luo Men, or Luo Men that are mechanics or mechanics that identify as Luo Men. But a caption however uncalled for is important.

The main take home from this episode is that as a woman, if you want to date men that have money, date Meru Men. Na si story za jaba. If you are a Kisii woman, Eddy Ashioya has a new word that you should incorporate into your "must haves" if you are looking for a man to date or marry, ”Omboronyo”. Those who know things say it means a big banana. Those who know things for sure, say it doesn't mean a big banana.

Not surprisingly, the only Kisii in the studio that day did not seem to understand the word or the motive behind its formation and use in this context but a word was upon us and we can't let a word go to waste simple because we don't know its meaning or because we can't trust its source (which we don't).

Ladies and Gentlemen we present to you Omboronyo by Eddy Ashioya and not by Diana Mosoba ft. Suzzanne Arrty, Brian Mbanacho & Ndugu Abisai.

Upendo Nice had a boyfriend cut himself for her because a tattoo was not enough. If Jesus could take three nails for us, what is a knife to a man? So we asked her, "Ama alikuwa anakukatia?" I think she cut us off after that joke.

She didn't laugh at that joke and that's how we knew mapenzi yao ilikuwa ya kukata na shoka.

Enjoy!