The Practical Enneagram

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Enneagram teacher, Michelle Wangler Joy (So4), describes the patterns in how our types get stuck in the challenging second stage of intimate relationships. This is the sort of stuff that you want all couples to know. Michelle's synthesis is the best application of the Enneagram to intimate relationships that I am aware of.  

• Michelle's background [1.05]
• What is the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy? [2.53]
• What is Stage 1 of a relationship in the DMCT model and why do we get stuck there? [4.07]
• What is Stage 2 and what happens then? [4.50]
• What is true differentiation? [7.00]
• What is Stage 3 and what happens if a couple skips from Stage 1 to Stage 3? [11.01]
• How does each type get stuck at Stage 2, and how can they successfully differentiate? [12.15]
• Does the instinct type matter with these differentiation practices? [41.23]
• What Michelle's up to [42.34]

A list of the self and other differentiation practices for each type
Eight: Express vulnerabilities (self) and ask partner what feels supportive (other)
Nine: Bring themselves forward (self) and ask questions of partner designed to explore conflict (other)
One: Instead of speaking to a partner like a critical parent, give partner data about them (self) and see partner as different, not wrong (other)
Two: Get in touch with needs and share them with partner (self) and ask partner about their assumptions (other)
Three: Be first and don't rush to problem-solve (self), manage their defensiveness around partner's feedback (other)
Four: When communicating, avoid over-identifying with emotions (self), extend self to partner's reality (other)
Five: Bring themselves forward and keep partner posted (self) and ask questions of partner, and express empathy (other)
Six: Move through doubt and share more (self), ask partner questions and avoid projecting fears onto partner (other)
Seven: Initiate negative conversations (self), and sit with partner in conflict, slow down and seek to understand (other).

Find Michelle
Website, https://couplesandtheenneagram.com/ (download her ebook, it is excellent).
Link to her Couples and the Enneagram Relationship Inventory (CERI) https://couplesandtheenneagram.com/couples-and-the-enneagram-relationship-inventory/ 

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Music: 'Dream Home', Purple Planet Music 

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Researcher Dr Frederik Coene (Self preservation 6) speaks about his research into sex and human sexuality and the Enneagram. If you can't tell, I adore Frederik and his work. Very helpful stuff. Self-preservation Six gets a lot of attention in this episode, so enjoy that SP6s!

• Frederik's very serious job and what he does in his free time [2.43]
• How he became involved in looking at sex and the Enneagram [3.27] 
• Frederik's research with Valerie Wannamaker [4.14]
• What's wrong with the way we're having sex? [7.33]
• The two types of sexual incompatibility [9.00]
• How self-preservation Six does sex [15.20]
  • How Six pursues sex for ego-gratification [16.27]
  • Sex to the self-preservation instinct [18.05] and insights based on the Zones of self-preservation. 
  • How Six flirts [28.47]
  • How Six behaves in the bedroom [35.32]
• Will there be a book? [43.45]
• Frederik's involvement with the field of sex therapy [44.47] 

References
Enneagram Eygpt (https://enneagramegypt.com/)
Dr Frederik Coene's course, the Enneagram and Human Sexuality (https://courses.enneapath.com/)

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Music: 'We'll Make it Through', Purple Planet Music 

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Artist, author and prolific creator, the very fun Ann Gadd (Social 9), shares her insights on creativity, the instincts and the types. 

• Ann introduces her creative self [1.05]
• What is creativity? [5.35]
• Ann's inner work explorations and how she found the Enneagram [7.03]
• Does learning the Enneagram help us to understand what creativity is? [8.17]
• What's more important to unleashing creativity, instincts work or work on our type patterns? [10.15]
• What inhibits each type from being at their creative potential [17.09]
• Ann's practices for creativity [23.23]

References
Big Magic by Liz Gilbert (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Big-Magic-Creative-Living-Beyond/dp/1408866730) 

Find/connect with Ann
Enneagrams9paths (https://enneagrams9paths.com/)

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Music: 'Magical Storytime', Purple Planet Music 

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Enneagram custodian in all the ways, Dana Vitorelo (Social 6), shares about her inner and outer work as a Guide for the Enneagram Prison Project. I challenge anyone to listen to this and not fall in love with Enneagram 6 (and Enneagram Prison Project for that matter).

• An overview of what Dana does as a Guide [1.27]
• How Dana found her people in the Enneagram ambassadors and then inside [2.20]
• What's unique about these students? [5.50]
• How does being a Six support Dana in her work as a Guide [10.26]
• Blindspots as a type Six in the work [14.12]
• What's a bad day on the job? [19.27]
• What's a good day? [25.41]
• A beautiful perspective on the role of resistance in group work [27.45]
• Dana's relationship with sourcing support and mentors [30.21]
• What makes a good Guide? [34.40]

Learn more about Enneagram Prison Project
Website (https://enneagramprisonproject.org/)
Podcast, hosted by Clay Tumey (https://enneagramprisonproject.org/about-epp/podcast/)

Connect with Dana
LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/dana-vitorelo-96908367) 
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Music: 'Always on a journey', Purple Planet Music 

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Entrepreneur, philosopher and theologian (among other things), Dr Mary Filice (Self preservation 2), shares with me about her unique integrative programme featuring the Enneagram - her Method of Transformation. 

• What Mary gets up to in life and how her Method of Transformation ('MOT') came about [01.30]
• When was Mary's intro to the Enneagram? [2.45]
• When and how Mary encountered Gabor Mate's work [5.12]
• Who is the MOT for and what's its goal? [8.45]
• How specifically is the Enneagram used in the MOT? [12.37]
• Mary shares an early instance from life that she experienced the wound for Type Two [15.15]
• How is the instincts lens used in her method? [16.17]
• What if you can't remember the childhood incident(s)? [18.45]
• More details about the MOT and how coaches can engage with Mary [19.45]

References/resources:
A list of the unconscious childhood messages (from the Wisdom of the Enneagram):
Eight: 'It's not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.'
Nine: 'It's not okay to assert yourself.'
One: 'It's not okay to make mistakes.'
Two: 'It's not okay to have your own needs.'
Three: 'It's not okay to have your own feelings and identity.'
Four: 'It's not okay to be too functional or too happy.'
Five: 'It's not okay to be comfortable in the world.'
Six: 'It's not okay to trust yourself.'
Seven: 'It's not okay to depend on anyone for anything.'

Find Dr Mary
LinkedIn (www.linkedin.com/in/mary-filice-phd-9a49966)
Email Mary ([email protected])

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Music: 'Enterprise', Purple Planet Music 

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Brilliant Human Design specialist Robin Winn (Self Preservation 1) describes the Human Design system and why she's passionate about empowering coaches to bring the system into their client work.  She also reads my chart, which was glorious to be honest. Oh, and there aren't specific correlations between Enneagram types and HD types, which shouldn't come as too much a surprise hopefully. 

• How Robin uses the Enneagram and Human Design in her work [2.55]
• Robin's early encounters with the Enneagram [5.12]
• What did Human Design add to Robin personally, given all the other spiritual and psychological voyaging? [7.35]
• The five Human Design types [12.50]
• How Human Design came into being [20.55] 
• Robin connects me with my chart and how it's linked with type 4 [23.05]. 
• Is it worthwhile to combine the Human Design and Enneagram? [37.00]
• What happens when we are not in alignment with our Design? [43.40]
• Robin's new book on Profiles, and how coaches can engage with Robin [46.55]

Resources
Link to my  Human Design chart: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1X9xx9Ap0c9gKGKJvzSxRHQu6ldaANgLY/view?usp=sharing

Find Robin and her work
Robin's books on Amazon: www.amazon.co.uk/Robin-Winn/e/B07WDDWNV4%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share
Contact Robin: [email protected] 

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Purple Planet Music: 'Breaking Light'

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Angry-young-man-come-guy-whose-been-around-the-Enneagram-a while, Mario Sikora (Social Eight) talks about how he approaches the Enneagram's connecting points in his consulting, teaching and coaching work. This has given me something to smoke, along with my clove cigarettes. 

• The origins of the teachings on the Enneagram's connecting points [3.35]
• How does Mario use the connecting points in his work with coaching clients? [7.40] 
• Example of Mario's languaging around the connecting points using Type Four as an example [15.47]
• What does Mario think about other languaging, especially more spiritual language? [26.40]
• Is there any benefit to being aware of the positive manifestations of the two strategies? [30.40]
• Should we expect to see movement to our connecting points daily? [32.20]
• How does Mario's central teaching around rewriting our narratives apply to the connecting points? [35.45]
• How would we measure growth purely using the connecting points? [38.50]
• Do we need to know where we are with instincts to use the connecting points for development? [40.55]
• Can we mistake the expression of an instinctual priority with movement to a connection point? [41.40]
• What Mario is focussing on these days [42.47]

References/resources

Awareness practices/self-inquiries

1. How do you use your type's Support strategy to reinforce the core strategy? When would your Neglected strategy offer you a resource?
2. Name the polarities/tensions between your type and each connecting point. Try to figure out whether you see the extremes of those in your life. 
3. How do the positive manifestations of the Support and Neglected strategies appear for you? How can you use them more consciously?
4. What's your narrative around the three strategies you use/are connected to?

Mario's Support strategies
For striving to be...
Peaceful (Nine), it's Secure (Six)
Perfect (One), it's Unique (Four)
Connected (Two), it's Powerful (Eight)
Outstanding (Three), it's Peaceful (Nine)
Unique (Four), it's Connected (Two)
Detached (Five), it's Excited (Seven)
Secure (Six), it's Outstanding (Three)
Excited (Seven), it's Perfect (One)
Powerful (Eight), it's Detached (Five)

Mario's Neglected strategies
For striving to be...
Peaceful (Nine), it's Oustanding (Three)
Perfect (One), it's Excited (Seven)
Connected (Two), it's Unique (Four)
Outstanding (Three), it's Secure (Six)
Unique (Four), it's Perfect (One)
Detached (Five), it's Powerful (Eight)
Secure (Six), it's Peaceful (Three)
Excited (Seven), it's Detached (Five)
Powerful (Eight), it's Connected (Two)

Other names for Support
Russ Hudson uses Stress and then Missing Piece for the high side.
Dr Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Paes use Resolution.
Integrative Enneagram Solutions use Stretch.

Other names for Neglected
Russ Hudson uses Integration
Dr Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Paes use Energising 
Integrative Enneagram Solutions use Release.
Sandra Maitri calls this the Heart Point.

Find/contact Mario and Awareness to Action
Mario's website: www.mariosikora.com
Awareness to action website: www.awarenesstoaction.com

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Purple Planet Music: 'I will find him'

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Author of the wildly helpful Enneagram book, Aspects of You - an exploration of the centres of intelligence and our instinctual drives, Cicci Lyckow Bäckman (sx8) answers loads of my questions about the Centers of Intelligence.  "Her Enneagram schooling is combined with some personal ideas" - and they are pretty great.

• How Cicci came to teach experiential inner growth courses and early encounters with the Enneagram [2.00]
• Why do we want to balance the centers? [6.55]
• What are the qualities of those with home bases in the Gut, Heart and Head Centers [8.45]
• How does (1) presence and (2) asleepness look, in the Gut, Heart and Head? [11.30]
• Is there implicit teaching in the sequencing of the way the Centers are taught? [18.50]
• What's the difference between the Heart Center and the Social (adaptation) instinct [21.50]
• What's the difference between a Center being out of balance and under-developed? [24.25]
• What's the unique work that the 9,3 and 6 ('the primary types') needs to do in terms of balancing their Centers? [28.05]
• Awareness exercise for these complicated primary types [32.50]
• That thing about the 'blind' center being the gift center - how does that look practically? [36.30]
• What Cicci is up to at the moment [40.55]

Find/learn more about Cicci
Website  (www.lyckowbackman.se/)
Book (www.amazon.co.uk/Aspects-You-exploration-intelligence-instinctual/dp/9174637975)

Purple Planet Music: Snap

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Integral coach, Enneagram teacher and amazing piano player to boot, Josh Lavine (social Three), makes a passionate plea for better listening.  And because - note to self - this is an Enneagram podcast, we also discuss how listening intersects with the Enneagram model, specifically where it 'arises' in the instincts and centres. 

• What Josh does in the world with the Enneagram [1.50]
• Josh's type and his early Enneagram encounters [2.42]
• Why Josh is passionate about listening [4.53]. Shout out to the semi-sung hero of this conversation, Brian, Josh's listening partner.
• Why specifically good listening is so important for healing [6.58]
• Difference between coaching listening and friendship listening [15.31]
• Where does listening arise from in Enneagram terms? [19.38]
• Can studying and learning the Enneagram help us to become better listeners? [26.58]
• Practices for better listening [28.03]

Book references
Let Your Life Speak, Parker Palmer
Healing through the dark emotions, Miriam Greenspan
Being a Brainwise Therapist, Bonnie Badenoch

Find Josh
His website (www.joshlavine.com) where you can download his ebook.
Instagram  (@lavinejosh) 

Purple Planet Music: Masquerade

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Email me: rez@thepracticalenneagram.com 

Psychotherapist, couples counsellor, and Enneagram teacher/practitioner Rosemary Cowan (Social 6)  explains what aspects of our type are the most 'alive' when we come into an intimate relationship with someone, and offers glimpses into her counselling room. 

• How Rosemary got into the Enneagram [2.55]
• What is love? What is a relationship? What is the point of a relationship? [7.28]
• What's fundamental to a healthy relationship? [15.24]
• What aspects of the Enneagram are most 'involved' in relationships? [22.59]
• How are the Belly, Heart and Mental types different in relationships? [26.44]
• When is couples counselling not effective? [30.13]
• Is it enough for one person to do inner work? [32.55]

References
EnneaFest 2022
The Love Languages
The Four Horseman

About Rosemary
Rosemary's website 

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Music: Purple Planet Music, The Mouse House