The RED Digest

65% of couples seeking marriage counseling do so because they feel emotionally distant or disconnected from their partner, often describing the relationship as feeling more like roommates than a married couple (American Psychological Association).

Did you know that any marriage plagued with loneliness after 10 years will result to a divorce in the mind and after a while divorce happens in reality?

Do you want to save your marriage from this disease?

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Have you ever wondered why many relationships don't end well?

Did you know that 60% of dating relationships are complicated?

The painful part is to spend time, emotional energy and resources in a relationship that is COMPLICATED.

How do you know you are in a complicated relationship?

What are the signs of a complicated relationship?

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Marriage traditions have evolved significantly over time. In many cultures, arranged marriages were once the norm, a practice steeped in familial and societal expectations.

Meanwhile in this present times, dating apps, social media platforms have transformed how people meet and choose partners. This newsletter explores the benefits and potential drawbacks of arranged marriages compared to contemporary dating practices.

Benefits of Arranged Marriage

1. Family Support: Arranged marriages often involve families, especially the parents in the matchmaking process, which can provide a strong support system. Families typically consider compatibility (also if there is any disease or disability), values, and long-term goals, which may lead to a more stable foundation.

2. Cultural and Social Compatibility: Families may ensure that partners share similar cultural, religious, and social values, which can lead to a smoother integration and understanding within the relationship.

3. Reduced Pressure: The process can reduce the pressure of finding a partner on an individual, as families take an active role in the search and selection.

4. Emphasis on Long-Term Success: Arranged marriages are often approached with a focus on long-term stability rather than short-term romantic excitement, which may contribute to enduring relationships.

Disadvantages of Arranged Marriage

1. Limited Personal Choice: Individuals may have less say in the choice of their partner, which can lead to dissatisfaction if personal preferences are not fully considered.

2. Potential for Lack of Chemistry: The initial lack of personal connection or romantic chemistry may affect the emotional bond between partners.

Benefits of Modern Dating

1. Personal Choice: Modern dating allows individuals to have a significant say in their choice of partner, aligning with personal preferences, interests, and values.

2. Freedom and Flexibility: Online platforms offer flexibility, allowing individuals to meet potential partners at their convenience and from a diverse range of backgrounds.

3. Varied Experiences: The ability to date multiple people before settling down can help individuals understand what they truly want in a partner.

4. Increased Communication: Modern dating emphasizes open communication and personal connection, which can lead to stronger emotional bonds.

Disadvantages of Modern Dating

1. Superficiality: The emphasis on profiles and initial impressions can sometimes lead to superficial connections and a focus on appearance over deeper compatibility.

2. Dating Fatigue: The process of swiping and messaging can be exhausting and disheartening, leading to potential burnout, frustration due to multiple choices

3. Pressure to Conform: The pressure to adhere to societal standards and expectations portrayed in dating apps can impact self-esteem and personal satisfaction.

Conclusion
Both arranged marriages and modern dating have their unique advantages and challenges. Arranged marriages benefit from family support and a focus on long-term compatibility, while modern dating offers personal choice and flexibility. Ultimately, the success of either approach depends on individual preferences, values, and the quality of communication between partners.

Understanding the strengths and limitations of each method can help individuals make informed decisions about their own paths to finding a life partner. Whether through traditional means or contemporary methods, the goal remains the same: to find a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

Feel free to share your thoughts or experiences on this topic with us!

Communication is an important aspect of life and to narrow it down, it is an important element in any relationship.

Due to diverse backgrounds and upbringings, it is normal to face diverse challenges in expressing ourselves effectively.

Communication is one essential bedrock of relationships and we must keep it alive.

However, if it's left to just our emotions and feelings, we will be overtaken; we must be intentional and particular about how we grow together.

Here are a few tips on how to help improve communication in relationships.

1. Avoid assumptions: always clear doubts and never base your relationships just on what you think.

2. Choose the right time: find a comfortable time, and place for your conversation.

3. Be honest and open: when in a relationship, do not hide things, speak about the little details.

4. Be patient: Rome isn't built in a day, so building effective communication will take time.

5. Use the 'I' statement: express your feelings using I statements.

6. Take breaks if needed: All issues mustn't be trashed at once, when the tempos are high, take a cool off.

7. See outside help: there may be traumatic issues or you may still experience difficulties, seek counseling and therapy.

Everything in life can be worked upon with consistent practice, patience, and effort.

Ifeoma had always been the belle of the ball, a vision of beauty and grace that captivated all who laid eyes on her. It came as no surprise, then, when Chidi, a young, ambitious businessman, fell head over heels in love with her. The young couple had met at a mutual friend's wedding in 2022, and from the moment their eyes locked, it was as if the world around them had faded away. Chidi, a rising star in the world of finance, was instantly captivated by Ifeoma's striking beauty, fair complexion, hour-glass shape and good English accent of Ifeoma. As he would always say, “Love at first sight exists; I fell in love with my wife the moment I saw her”. For Ifeoma, a successful marketing executive, Chidi's romance with words, ambition, commitment to her, and public display of affection that always re-assured her of his love for her became irresistible as time passed by.

Their whirlwind romance blossomed quickly, and within a year, they had exchanged vows in a lavish ceremony that had the entire community buzzing. Ifeoma, radiant in her custom-made gown, had been the picture of elegance and grace, while Chidi, beaming with pride, had been the epitome of a besotted groom.

In the initial months of their marriage, Ifeoma and Chidi were the embodiment of marital bliss. They reveled in the honeymoon phase, exploring their newfound intimacy and basking in the glow of their love. Chidi doted on Ifeoma, showering her with affection and indulging her every whim, while Ifeoma basked in the attention, secure in the knowledge that she had found her soulmate, one who truly loved her for who she was and not as a result of “things of the world”-- beauty.

However, as time passed, subtle changes began to creep into their relationship. Ifeoma's once-toned and shapely figure started to transform in the wake of pregnancy and childbirth. Stretch marks marred her once-flawless skin, and her once-flat stomach now protruded with a lingering pouch. The loss of her youthful physique weighed heavily on Ifeoma's self-confidence, and she found herself withdrawing from Chidi's advances.

Chidi, on the other hand, struggled to reconcile the image of the woman he had married with the changes he now saw before him. While he tried to reassure Ifeoma of his love and attraction, he couldn't help but notice the shift in her appearance and the distance that had crept into their once-passionate encounters.

Sitting in tense silence over a half-eaten dinner, on February 14th, 2024, just three months after the birth of their first child, Ifeoma finally mustered the courage to voice the seemingly harmless question that had been weighing on her mind.

"Obim (my heart), did you truly love me before our marriage, or were you mistaking your feelings for true love?" she asked Chidi.

Chidi's eyes widened, and he felt a cold chill run down his spine. He was not expecting the question, although he already had the question in his mind. Besides, he had sensed the growing tension in their relationship, but he hadn't anticipated Ifeoma confronting him so directly.

"Ifeoma, of course I loved you," he replied, his voice laced with confusion and hurt. "How can you even ask that? You were the woman of my dreams, and I knew from the moment I laid eyes on you that you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."

Ifeoma shook her head, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "But Chidi, look at me now. I'm not the same woman you married. My body has changed, and I know I'm not as beautiful as I once was. How can you still love me the same way?"

Chidi reached across the table, grasping Ifeoma's hands in his. "My love, your beauty has never been defined by your physical appearance. You are the most remarkable, kind-hearted, and loving woman I have ever known and that is what I fell in love with, not just your face or your figure."

Ifeoma's lips trembled as she fought to hold back her emotions. "But what if that's not enough for you anymore? What if you start to resent me, or worse, cheat on me because I'm no longer the ideal woman you thought you were marrying?"

Chidi's heart sank as he realized the depth of Ifeoma's insecurities. He had tried to reassure her, but deep down, he knew that his words had fallen short. The truth was, he wasn't entirely sure if he had truly loved Ifeoma before their marriage, or if he had merely been swept away by her beauty and charm.

Over the next few weeks, Ifeoma continued to press Chidi on the issue, asking the same question multiple times, each time with a growing sense of desperation. Chidi struggled to find the right words, his hesitation and uncertainty only serving to further erode Ifeoma's trust and confidence in him.

The tension in their household became intense, and their once-blissful union gave way to a constant state of emotional turmoil. Ifeoma's self-esteem dropped, and she found herself withdrawing from Chidi, both physically and emotionally.

Desperate to salvage their marriage, Chidi reached out to Ifeoma's family, seeking their counsel and support. Aunty Ngozi, Ifeoma's mother, listened intently as Chidi recounted the events that had led to the seemingly insurmountable rift between him and her daughter.

"My children," Aunty Ngozi began, her voice laced with wisdom and empathy, "marriage is not just about physical attraction. It is about the deep, unwavering bond that two people share, one that transcends the superficial."

She turned to Chidi, her gaze filled with understanding. "Chidi, I know you are struggling to find the right words to reassure Ifeoma, but you must be honest with yourself and with her. If you truly loved her before your marriage, then you must find a way to convey that to her, to rebuild the trust and confidence that has been shattered."

Chidi nodded, his eyes brimming with a newfound determination. "I want to, Aunty Ngozi, but I'm not sure if I can. The truth is, I'm not entirely certain if my feelings for Ifeoma were genuine love or simply infatuation and that uncertainty is eating away at me, and at our marriage."

Aunty Ngozi reached out and placed a comforting hand on Chidi's shoulder. "Then you must find the courage to confront that uncertainty, my son. For if you cannot be honest with Ifeoma, and with yourself, then there is little hope for your marriage to survive."

Chidi left Aunty Ngozi's house that day, his mind racing with a whirlwind of emotions. He knew that he had to find a way to regain Ifeoma's trust, to prove to her that his love was true and unwavering. But the nagging doubt that had been planted by her persistent questioning continued to weigh heavily on his heart.

In the weeks that followed, Chidi made numerous attempts to reconnect with Ifeoma, showering her with affection and reassurances of his love. But each time, Ifeoma would recoil, her eyes filled with a mixture of hurt and distrust as well as low self-esteem especially when she sometimes see how Chidi’s unconsciously admire other ladies that are pretty as she used to be. In fact, prior to the question, Chidi sometimes jokingly tell Ifeoma that she is now ugly and that he was not sure if he would have married her if she was her current state as at the time they married as he had great admiration for beauty.

"If you truly loved me, Chidi, you would have been able to answer my question without hesitation," she would say, her voice barely above a whisper.

Chidi's heart sank, as he realized that the damage he had inflicted on their relationship was irreparable. Ifeoma's trust in him had been shattered, and without that foundation, their marriage had crumbled beyond repair.

On the 7th of July 2024, after months of futile attempts to reconcile, Ifeoma filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. She was not willing to work on her body to be as pretty as she was when she met Chidi, because, to her, beauty is deceitful and if Chidi was attracted to beauty, then old age is in marriage would not be palatable. The news sent shockwaves through their tight-knit community, as everyone who had borne witness to their fairy-tale romance struggled to come to terms with the sudden and devastating demise of Ifeoma and Chidi's marriage.

As the divorce proceedings unfolded, the once-blissful couple found themselves embroiled in a bitter, drawn-out battle, their love and trust irrevocably broken. Chidi fought desperately to win Ifeoma back, but her heart had hardened, and she refused to give him another chance.

In the end, the question that had once seemed so simple, so harmless, had become the catalyst for the unraveling of a marriage that had once been the envy of all who knew them. Ifeoma and Chidi, two individuals who had once been inseparable, were now forced to go their separate ways, the memory of that fateful question forever etched in the fabric of their lives.

As a certified relationship and marriage coach, I've encountered numerous women who have faced the uncomfortable and potentially career-threatening situation of their boss asking for a romantic relationship. It's essential to address this sensitive topic and provide guidance on how to handle it with professionalism and poise.

The Power Dynamic

When your boss expresses romantic interest, it can create an uneven power dynamic, making it challenging to navigate the situation. You may feel pressured, anxious, or even fearful about the potential consequences of saying no. It's crucial to remember that you have the right to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being.

Communicating Your Boundaries

If your boss asks for a romantic relationship, it's essential to:

1. Acknowledge their interest: Show appreciation for their confidence in you, but avoid leading them on.

2. Set clear boundaries: Politely but firmly express your discomfort with mixing personal and professional relationships.

3. Focus on your job: Emphasize your commitment to your role and the company.

Example script:

"Thank you for considering me, but I'm uncomfortable with blurring the lines between our professional relationship and personal life. I'm dedicated to my job and would like to maintain a professional dynamic."

Potential Consequences

While it's natural to worry about potential repercussions, saying no to your boss's romantic advances doesn't necessarily mean you'll lose your job. However, it's essential to be prepared for any outcome.

1. Document everything: Keep a record of conversations, emails, or meetings related to the situation.

2. Seek HR support: Familiarize yourself with your company's policies and procedures for reporting harassment or uncomfortable situations.

3. Be confident: Remember that your worth and value as an employee aren't defined by your response to your boss's advances.

Finding a Way Out

If your boss continues to pursue a romantic relationship despite your clear boundaries, consider:

1. Transferring departments: If possible, explore internal transfer options to distance yourself from the situation.

2. Seeking outside help: Consult with a career coach or a professional organization for guidance and support.

3. Evaluating your options: If the situation becomes unbearable, it may be time to explore new job opportunities.

Conclusion

Remember, your career and well-being are paramount. Don't feel pressured to compromise your values or boundaries to maintain a job. By communicating your boundaries clearly and seeking support when needed, you can navigate this challenging situation with confidence and professionalism.

In my experience as a counsellor, a lot of people run to us and state their intentions of a divorce. You will wonder how they come up with such a consideration on their own or a couple. There are obviously a lot of reasons why they consider to have a divorce but among these reasons, there are 5 meaningless reasons I love to highlight in this article.

1. Social media usage

2. House chores

3. Different hobbies

4. Sleep preferences

5. Dietary differences

These reasons are meaningless to consider a divorce because both partners are not from the same background and due to those differences, you cannot use it as a criteria for a divorce. Marriage is a platform to learn each other, to know each other more and grow together.

There are no good reasons for partners to divorce except the union was done under deception. It is important you consult your counsellor if an issue in your marriage has gone beyond you before coonsidering a divorce from the beginning.

Nobody promised you a marriage with no challenge. Your love for each other should be able to solve the challenge.

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Everyone knows a couple who constantly quarrels or has conflict – it may even be you and your partner or you as a single individual with your soon to be partner.

You may argue so frequently that it becomes a norm.

Is this really expected to bring you joy and companionship in your relationship??

What if you could solve arguing in your relationship almost immediately? It’s possible.

Expectations in a relationship form the basis of whether or not the partnership works for both people. By shifting your mindset, your relationship can become happier, more peaceful and more productive.

Before we proceed with the ways to deal with expectations in a relationship, let's talk about ...

The difference between standards and expectations in relationships

STANDARDS are guidelines on what one will accept in the present moment. They represent what you want in a partner: sense of humor, similar values and beliefs, attitude and perspective on life.

EXPECTATIONS are what one wants to happen in the future – certain actions one wishes someone would take or an event one wishes would happen. When what we expect to happen doesn’t, we feel disappointed, sad and even angry.

There’s nothing wrong with raising your standards – in fact, learning how to accept nothing less than the best is key to building the life of your dreams. And if someone doesn’t meet your standards, you’re absolutely allowed to move on.

However, your partner can meet all of your standards and still fall short of meeting your expectations in a relationship. It is the set expectations that gets relationships in trouble.

How does expectations in a relationship can cause problems

What we presume a relationship will look like shapes our contribution to the partnership.

Expectations in a relationship are subjective, biased and can differ from person to person. Some may expect their spouse to take out the garbage and they, in turn, may expect you to have breakfast on the table every morning. But both people assuming the other person knows this automatically without ever having a conversation about it, can lead to tension in the relationship.

The problem with expectations in a relationship is that they’re just like an opinion: Everyone has one – and they don’t always match up to the other person’s thoughts. This is the birthplace of bickering and quarreling, and it is where knowing what to expect in a relationship come into play. When you are both on the same page about what a healthy relationship looks like, you are ready to take action and create reasonable expectations in a relationship. When you are able to articulate your respective needs, you are in a place to make those expectations work.

WHAT ARE REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS IN A RELATIONSHIP ?

It is important to realize that in talking about how mismatched expectations can lead to fighting, we are not saying you don’t have a right to expect anything out of your partnership. The opposite is true: You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and so does your partner. Expect intimacy and passion. Expect unconditional love and support. These are reasonable expectations in a relationship and they fall more under the category of standards than expectations.

Unrealistic expectations include things like wanting your partner to change their values, be the source of all your happiness or go against their natural masculine or feminine polarity. Don’t expect your partner to react or feel the same way you do. And never expect perfection. As Tony says, perfection is the enemy of good.

HOW TO MANAGE EXPECTATIONS IN A RELATIONSHIP

Fortunately, there is a solution for dealing with mismatched expectations in a relationship!

When our focus is centered on our differences in expectations, rather than our appreciation for the things the other person does “right,” conflict is inevitable. The way any two people decide to fold towels, for instance, will probably differ, but does that make one of the ways wrong? Of course not. Expectations with no appreciation leads to nagging, which leads to frustration, which in turn leads to – you guessed right – bickering and quarreling.

Think about the things you and your partner have fought over. How many of these fights are actually over something important? Have any of them had a productive resolution? Most likely, the answer is no. It’s often said, “We argue about the smallest things.” Consider your expectations in a relationship. Are the towels worth the emotional turmoil? Probably not. Why not spend your time doing something that’s not only productive, but more beneficial to the strength and longevity of your relationship?

Overcoming expectations in a relationship starts with understanding what constitutes a quality partnership .

THERE ARE 10 CARDINAL RULES OF LOVE.

_Trade your expectation for appreciation and your whole world will change_

Tony Robbins

1. Prioritize appreciation over expectations

Learn to trade expectations for appreciation, and your entire relationship – and world – will change. Rather than focusing on the negative, make a point to value your partner’s positive qualities. This will take you further positively in your relationship. They may not have folded the towels the way you wanted them to, but at least they made an effort to do their fair share by putting the laundry away. Maybe they did the dishes after dinner or took the dog for a walk because you had a long day at work. If you pay attention, there is always something to appreciate. What was it that attracted you to them in the first place? It wasn’t their towel-folding abilities. It was their warmth, kindness and love for life.

That sentiment can apply to anything in life, but if we apply that same thought to our relationships, appreciation can be the trigger that puts an end to your unhealthy and unrealistic expectations in a relationship.

2. Express compassion

Compassion is at the top of the list of what to expect in a relationship. To successfully navigate any relationship, you want to demonstrate compassion by prioritizing your love over your expectations. As important as it is to learn how to manage expectations in a relationship, remember that expectations are there to facilitate warmth. At the end of the day, it’s your partnership that is most important.

3. Show respect

Respect is the basis of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. To show respect means to value the other person’s perspective and needs – this is the basis of effective communication. To show respect for your partner, correct them in love and seek a playful, empathetic way to redirect an argument. From there, you’re able to find solutions without creating unnecessary tension.

4. Demonstrate consideration

Healthy relationships hinge on consideration – for your partner, their interests and their relationship expectations. To show consideration, you must make a point to value your relationship over your relationship rules. This is a real stickler when it comes to what to expect in a relationship, since it’s easy to view the “rules” as the basis of your partnership. But when you value your partner over your rules, this paves the way for fulfilling both people’s expectations.

1. Devote time to your partner

Devoting time to your partner is one of the most reasonable expectations in a relationship. Don’t let your partnership become a side note – take the time to reinforce your connection in hard times. When you create rituals and traditions that cement your sense of connection, you demonstrate that your relationship is a real priority.

6. Never question the nature of your relationship.

When it comes to learning how to manage expectations in a relationship, one of the worse missteps you can make is questioning your partner’s intent. When you question the very nature of your relationship, it weakens trust, this takes a toll on even the strongest partnerships. Just because you’re having issues doesn’t mean the relationship itself is a problem.

7. Avoid repetition

If you’re in an argumentative pattern with your partner, change your approach. If you don’t, you risk creating a circular loop where neither party is heard, leaving both feeling defeated. Take the high road and bow out of an argument. Take a break to regroup and consider what you’re really arguing about. When you make this a habit, you set a high standard for what to expect in a relationship with your partner.

8. Never threaten your relationship

One of the primary expectations in a relationship is that there will be give and take and mutual dialogue. Threatening your relationship with ultimatums doesn’t help anything, since it shuts down communication. If you’re at the point of threatening your partnership, it’s time to take a break and rethink the conversation.

9. Don’t stagnate

Learning how to manage expectations in a relationship is not a one-time deal. It’s a continuous conversation where you’re touching base to see whether each other’s needs are being met. Don’t settle for stagnation, assuming your relationship is doing fine because you haven’t argued that day. When you commit to never-ending improvement, you’re able to build an extraordinary relationship.

10. Do not compare your relationship to other relationships

As tempting as it is to use “textbook” expectations in a relationship as a template for your own, this approach doesn’t work. It ignores your unique personality and needs (and that of your partner) without valuing what makes your partnership unique and special. Do not adopt the standards and expectations of other couples in a relationship – work with your partner to develop your own.

Building a healthy partnership takes work, but it’s well worth the effort. Master how to manage expectations in a relationship with the H2H COUNSELLING CENTER and have the partnership of your dreams.

Happy New Month!

Dear Community,

We are pleased you made it this far. As we welcome you to the month of July, we're excited to share the enlightening events we have planned just for you. Here's a sneak peek at what's coming;

Couples Hangout Show

Topic of Discussion: Should poverty kill marriage?

- Join us for an insightful discussion on how financial challenges can impact marriages and explore the best ways to navigate them together.

Teens Hangout Show

Topic of Discussion: The Bestie Relationship

- An insightful session were we learn the dynamics of close friendships among teens and how to maintain healthy boundaries.

Singles Hangout Show

Topic of Discussion: How to know if your long-distance relationship is going south?

- Maintaining any relationship is not a walk in the park and long-distance relationship might be twice as hard. Learn to recognize the signs that your long distance relationship might be struggling and discover strategies to keep the connection strong.

H2H Relationship and Marriage Academy

- Stay tuned for more details about our upcoming academy.

Wishing you a month filled with love, growth, and meaningful connections. Let's make July amazing together.

Warm regards,

H2H Centre.

Marriage is an important event in the life of an individual, and it comes with a lot of uncertainties that will only be unveiled as individuals experience it. The topic might be a question that some people have in mind before starting a new relationship or taking vows of marriage.

The main aim of this article is not to convince but to state emphatically the benefits of premarital counseling which will guide the choice of those who want to start up a new relationship or marriage and have such questions in mind.

Premarital counseling is a therapy that helps the intending couple to prepare mentally for marriage. The sessions help to make sure that they both have a healthy relationship.

Here are five (5) benefits of engaging a counsellor before relationship/marriage.

1. It builds communication skills

When couples go to counseling, they talk together with a counsellor. Couples who go through this type of counseling inevitably build better communication skills because they have a neutral party there to help them understand one another. No doubt, this is one of the biggest benefits of premarital counselling. In addition to learning how to better communicate individual needs and desires, couples also learn how to better understand each other. They gain compassion through communication skills that will get them through the tough times.

2. It provides an opportunity to resolve issues.

Premarital Counselling also provides a great opportunity for couples to confront issues that could lead to serious problems in marriage, and some of these issues must have been unattended over time in the relationship.

By talking with a counsellor, couples may be able to settle money disagreements or talk about their plans to have children. Addressing issues before marriage is the best way to ensure a solid foundation for the future and to avoid serious conflicts after the big day. Of course, it's important for couples to be candid when they attend premarital counselling. That's the only way to realize the benefits of this time-honored tradition.

3. It is a platform to plan for the future

Many premarital counselors do more than just help couples talk through their current issues. They also help them plan actively for the future. A counsellor can help couples set financial or family planning goals, and can help them find ways to accomplish those goals. Premarital counseling is the perfect place for couples to talk about the expectations that they have for married life and what they want personally in the future too. Premarital Counsellors help their clients focus on healthy goals and relationship changes.

4. It allows Couples to discover new things about themselves

Counsellors ask a lot of questions when they're working with engaged couples. Listening carefully to your partner's answers is a great way to learn more about them. Many couples perceive that no one knows their partners better than they do. However, counsellors can help bring out important information that a partner might have been reluctant to share based on certain reasons. This offers great growth opportunities while helping couples learn more about each other. It's also a safe space for individuals to share things that they are nervous or upset about with their partners. It can be particularly helpful if one individual in the couple has been in failed relationships before.

There are more benefits of premarital counselling and we want to hear more from you. Kindly share in the comment section. Thank you.