The Relationship-Smart podcast

"I feel lost in my marriage. I don't even know who I am anymore!"

This is a common cry from women in my relationship coaching office.

Do you feel like YOU in your relationship? Like, really who you are?

It can be easy to lose yourself when you are in a long-term relationship.

It can be hard to tell where you start and they begin. It can be hard to tell what is changing due to age and maturity and constraints of the family. It can be hard to know what you really want after so many years of compromise.

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Several years ago, I was stuck in a dark place in my marriage.

This darkness seeped out as anger – I would storm and bang around the house in a passive aggressive fury, without saying anything to my husband.

It seeped out in my avoidance of intimacy – my libido was non-existent.

It seeped out in my energetic output – he could feel my anger and would respond by being more cautious and standoffish . This made me angrier (and around we would go).

Our marriage was starting to feel more unsafe and less loving – for both of us.

Next steps;

1. Look at the list above and choose one area that feels like a priority to focus on/ heal/ take your responsibility for.Look here if you need one-on-one help.
2. Sign up for my 3 steps to stop being a bitch
3. Read my previous post in the 4-part series: Why do I get so angry at my husband?
4. For a deeper dive, join my online workshop: "How to stop being a bitch to the one you love"

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It is easy to make sense of this when we are stressed out by life, work, kids and pressure from every direction. Of course, we are going to have moments when we blow our tops.

Is it such a problem? Well no, from time to time this is not a huge problem, especially if you are practicing the art of repair.

The problem is when we get stuck in angry, bitch mode as it corrodes the good feeling of the relationship, creating a lack of safety and trust between you and your partner that can be hard to rebuild.

We want to interrupt our angry ways. To do that we need to take a closer look at the real reasons we get so angry.

Next steps:

1. Practice pausing and being with your discomfort with the small stuff e.g. You stub your toe or forget to buy milk. Pause and breathe. Get my guided audio; self-soothe after rupture.
2. Read my post “Why am I such a bitch to the one I love”

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You thought you were the only one who was mean to their beloved. Sadly, or perhaps, reassuringly, that is not the case. You are in good company.

Being a bitch to the ones we love is common amongst us women.

It is strange isn’t it, that the ones we love the most, get our most bitchy behaviour.

On some level it makes sense, and we can justify it all, I mean, of course we are going to have moments when we get cranky and let loose. But the problem is that we can get stuck in bitch mode, our relationships festering away without things getting better. This is not good for us, nor is it great for our relationship.

We don’t want to be bitches and we don’t want to push away a good man or a good relationship.

This post aims to help you gain awareness around your relationship "bitch" so that you can feel more in control of your reactions and feel like you are building the loving, safe relationship that you really want.

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Are you worried that you are damaging your marriage?

You find yourself being mean and bitchy to the one you love. You feel stuck in negative thoughts about your partner.

And you know it is not working for you. In fact it doesn't even feel like you.

You partner may not be perfect, but the last thing you want is to damage the good feeling, love and connection that you have between you.

This post is not focussed on your partner’s behaviour. We are not here to blame, but to do what we can do from our side of the equation to make things better.

N.B: If your partner is violent or abusive in anyway, that is not okay. You need to get help here (AU)

Here are the 10 things that women commonly do that damage relationships. If you find yourself doing all or some of these, perhaps it is time to pause and look at what is really going on for you.

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Do you feel sexy?

In the past I never felt that sexy.

But now something has changed. In fact, at this point in my life I am sexier than I have ever been and it has nothing to do with how I look.

Listen in to find out what changed for me.

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What happens to your relationship when you are tired and depleted. When you feel like all you have done all day, all week, all year is look after other people at the expense of your own needs?

Well, you feel resentful and cranky, don’t you?

In this episode I discuss how to bring more joy into your relationship.

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Understand your attachment style

Relationships can be baffling. But there is a way to understand why we react the way we do. In my client sessions, one of the first things we explore are attachment styles. These are learned reactions, behaviours and tendencies that we exhibit in our intimate relationships. When you understand your and your partner’s attachment style, it becomes a whole lot easier to navigate the relationship.

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Learn to repair.  If you’re feeling worried about the fights, arguments or tense moments between you and your partner. If they seem to sit there, looming like a big unspoken white elephant in the room, causing even more tension, don’t stress.  All couples argue.

Instead of focussing on avoiding it, focus on repair; the most important skill you can learn in your relationship.

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My guest this week is my friend and client Marianne Buchanan. Over the past 3 years. I have watched Marianne move from attracting relationships that were manipulative and at times violent to a mutual attraction that is beautiful and nurturing. Her relationship attractor field has up-levelled so efficiently and effectively that I couldn’t wait to pick her brains and find out how she did it, and so gracefully.   We talk about: + Moving from a religious, traditional marriage – to dating women + Healing the relationship with her mother + Relationship red flags – what to look for + The unspoken and unexpected occurrence of violence in lesbian relationships + Marianne’s huge losses of 2016 and how her grief now inspires her and helps her put relationships in perspective + The unending benefits of caring for self

For more info go to www.nicolemathieson.com/podcast19

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