The Relaxed Male

We all experience pain at one time or another. Pain can be a physical sensation from a Papercut or it could be from an emotion. The pain that I am talking about today is emotional pain. The feeling that we get from the emotions that we don’t like. Emotions, for instance, powerlessness, frustration, fear, uncertainty, insecurity, humiliation, lost, are often viewed as painful and are often avoided.


These emotions and more similar to them are unpleasant to experience. Often when we feel these emotions, we want to hide from them. We want to buffer or indulge in some other activity than what we really need to be doing. It’s easier to avoid feeling these uncomfortable emotions. Nobody likes feeling lost or feeling anxious about something that they’ve never done before. Yet we’re always doing something new. We’re going to have to feel that anxiety if we want to get anything done.


Many people want to know how to you get past the emotional pain in their life. The answer is simple, but the work is not easy.



Life is 50% pain and 50% pleasure.


Life incorporates the 50/50 principle. 50% of our life is going to be a pleasure. It’s gonna be great. Those emotions are gonna be wonderful. We’re gonna be on top of the world. As we feel these emotions we are gonna be happy and fulfilled. The other 50% of the time we’re going to be in some form of emotional pain. A lot of people don’t like the fact that there is so much pain in their life So much so that they actually would rather try to bargain the ratio to be 80% happiness and 20% pain. Sadly that just shows how much we resist the thought of our life not going perfectly.


No matter how much you resist, you’re going to have pain. Then you add the fact that you’re using more energy to resist that pain which only amplifies the pain. Also, you’re doubling the experience because you worry about the pain. You can see how pain can be such a problem. If you don’t know how to manage that emotional pain it can become tremendous. you also see why so many people become overwhelmed simply because they resist and avoid the pain in their lives.



So how do you handle the painful portions of life?


The way you handle and manage the painful portions of your life is that you allow the pain to be experienced. That sounds scary. I get it. However when you allow the pain to be felt and you’re not resisting or avoiding it by buffering and feeling indulgent emotions. You realize that the pain that you’re avoiding is just a vibration. Granted that vibration may not feel the best but you’re not going to get swallowed by sorrow. You’re not gonna drown in self-pity. You’re just going to feel a slightly unpleasant vibration.


Handling and processing emotions is a skill as with everything else that we do in life. But more so with emotions because so many of us are in emotional childhood. We believe emotions just hit us upside the head out of nowhere. That is a falsity because our thoughts create our emotions.


The thought of how horrible the pain we might experience is the very reason why that pain is being avoided. Our worry and our fear are because of the thoughts we have about pain.


With practice, we find processing our emotions to get easier each time, we realize what we are feeling. What we are feeling is just the result of a thought.



Pain is what you make of it


As with everything that we avoid, the reason we avoid it is because of what we make that thought mean. We see sadness as nobody loves us. We see humiliation as potential death because we’re going to get thrown out of our village. We see a choice as limiting our opportunities instead of expanding the possibilities.


Everything we have happened to us, we take that personally. A sideways glance in our general direction could mean somebody is interested in us or somebody is disgusted with us. Which one is it? I don’t know nor do you know. We just make an assumption.


That sideways glance has as much power as the emotion that you’re avoiding in your life



Why do we avoid pain?


The reason we avoid pain is the very reason why we avoid stepping out in front of a bus. It’s not that we’re afraid of sudden death. We’re actually afraid that we’re going to live and have to deal with all the pain because of that bus meeting our body.


Our brain has a hard time differentiating between physical pain and emotional pain to our survival part of the brain. It’s all the same thing if we do something that will get us ridiculed back when we were living in caves that might cause us to get kicked out of the cave. We might be exiled from our village if that happened. Would we be able to gather enough resources to survive? Back in prehistoric times, social approval was needed. We had to make sure we appeased the Chief. We didn’t want to step too far out of the norms because we may be viewed incorrectly.



Pain doesn’t have to feel bad.


As mentioned before pain is just the way that we classify some emotions emotions are just vibrations. They may be vibrations. We don’t want to feel yet with a 50/50 lifestyle. We don’t have the choice. We will have thoughts that create sadness, loneliness, disempowerment, and Self-pity, and we can only experience those emotions


Then you add to the layer that emotions vary on what we make them mean. Therefore you can actually make emotional pain, not be so painful if you choose. There are times when we want to be in pain. Sorrow and grief are two instances of us wanting to be in pain when our grandmother dies. We don’t wanna be happy. You want to be sad. You want to grieve for the loss of your loved one. That is you showing love for someone who will not be in your life anymore. This is a very beautiful act that we humans are capable of doing.


Therefore, being intentional with your emotions doesn’t mean painful emotions are gonna be gone. It means that we choose to fully feel them at the time they happen. That means you can take a painful emotion and wear it as a badge of honor. You can do that all thanks to the thoughts that you have.



How do you deal with emotional pain?


So how do you deal with and process your emotions? These are emotions that are both good or bad. However, most of the time we need to just process the negative emotions the fear-based emotions, and the emotions that we avoid. So let’s look into how you do this


You start by acknowledging the emotion. he can’t tackle the problem if you don’t acknowledge that it’s there and the way you acknowledge it is by naming it what is that emotion that you’re feeling? What is that uneasy feeling in your chest, in your back, in your shoulders, across your midsection that feels like a steel clamp, what is that sensation right now? Name it happiness, sadness, uncertainty, fear, anger, regret, disempowerment, forlorning, lonely, burnout, boredom. What are you feeling as of right now?



Describe it


If you could take that emotion out of your body and hold it in your hands, what would it look like? Is it heavy or light? Is it soft or hard? Is it spiky scaly or glass-smooth? Describe that emotion and as much detail as you can, is it hot? Is it cold? As you do this examination, you’ll notice that the strength of the emotion starts to fade. This is the processing that we’re talking about.


Sadly, we often try to make problems bigger than what they really are. The problem with our emotions is the same way. We think they’re too big for us to be able to handle and thoroughly process. However, when you start processing and examining the emotions that you feel, you notice that those big scary monsters are nothing more than teddy bears under a blanket.


Now most emotions will only last about 1.5 -2 minutes. Yet there are times that you will just have a very stubborn emotion that you can just process away. may time these are bigger emotions that take time to process. These emotions require you to just experience them for the amount of time they are around. You may have to just go through a day or two with that emotion as you examine why you are feeling what you are feeling. This is where a counselor can come in handy especially when you are dealing with emotions that arise from past experiences. Coaches if you are trying to get over an obstacle you can move to the next goal you are aiming for.


If you want help with this all you have to do is take the next step.

If you would like to reclaim your bride and leave the mediocrity of roommate syndrome behind, then it is time to take the next step.
Take The Next Step

If you would like to reclaim your bride and leave the mediocrity of roommate syndrome behind, then it is time to take the next step.
Take The Next Step

Any question leading to sex.
Why We struggle with talking about sex

• It requires you to be vulnerable
  • We take complaints personally
• We have biases
  • Isn't sex supposed to just happen and always be good?
  • Or you can't have sex like that!
• Pushback is a threat to our beliefs
• We make sex mean something

Why are these most intimate topics so difficult for us to talk about? Especially, when it is with the one person we are supposed to be able to openly and freely talk to.

What is holding us back from asking about sex and talking openly?

• Judged
• Rejection
• It's not comfortable = Embarrassing
• We weren't taught to advocate for ourselves
• Shame

What are the hardest questions to ask centered around sex?

Some Questions you might want to ask?

• What did you learn about sex growing up and how did you learn?
• What would you like me to do?
• What do you not like for me to do?
• What do you wish I did more of?
• Where do you like to be touched, and where do you not like to be touched?
• When do you like to have sex?
• What allows you to feel the sexiest?
• What was your biggest surprise when you had sex?
• What was your biggest surprise when you had sex with me?
• Did you ever have an event that negatively impacted what you think of sex?

The most challenging question is

Would you like to have sex?

Summary

The episode focuses on the challenges men face in discussing sex and intimacy with their wives. The host, Bryan, acknowledges that sex is an important part of marriage for most men as a way to show love and feel loved by their spouse. However, many men struggle when their sex life declines or their wife no longer desires sex as frequently.

Bryan outlines some of the main reasons why men have difficulty talking about sex:

1. It requires being vulnerable, and men tend to take any criticism or complaints personally.
2. People have biases and differing beliefs around certain sexual acts like oral sex, bondage, etc. which makes those topics awkward to discuss.
3. There is shame and taboo around discussing sex from societal conditioning that sex is "dirty."
4. Men were never taught to properly advocate for their wants/needs, especially something as intimate as sex.
5. There is a fear of rejection, as men have likely been turned down for sex many times before in the relationship.

The host suggests that rather than making assumptions or turning to pornography out of frustration, men need to have open conversations with their wives about sex. He provides example questions to help start the dialogue, such as asking about sexual experiences growing up, acts they would/wouldn't want to try, times of day they prefer sex, and if there are any past negative experiences impacting their sexuality.

Ultimately, the most challenging part is simply asking "Would you like to have sex?" But Bryan encourages men to overcome the awkwardness and shame to advocate for their desire for intimacy and connection through sex. He offers his coaching services to help men improve their ability to discuss these topics with their wives.

 Take the Next Step and Get Coached - https://www.relaxedmale.com/coachingoffer

If you would like to reclaim your bride and leave the mediocrity of roommate syndrome behind, then it is time to take the next step.
Take The Next Step

So we have noticed that the lack of intentionality with our significant other has to change. To be able to change you have to know how you arrived in the circumstance you are in now. That is what we are going to be talking about this week. What actions did we take to break our connection?


***Warning***


Don't fall into the victim mindset here. You may want to say,


"Well, she doesn't try either."
"She started it"
"She is just cold"
"She never liked the marriage to start"


or any other excuses. even if she said that to your face, your thoughts are what makes it true. So what was your part in this scenario? When you start being honest that you had a hand in your marriage's doldrums too, you start to see where your power is and you can fix it by changing yourself. Think of the law of reciprocity or the 100/0 principle.


You are the leader of the house. Not the boss of the home but the leader and there is nuance as to how a good leader leads.


So what did you do to send your loving sex-filled marriage into the frustrating mediocrity of roommate syndrome?



Being a know-it-all


Has your wife ever reminded you of something you need to do and you said, "I know"? Maybe you step all over her talking with your own thoughts and views? Many times when we are running on unintentional thoughts we will be Mr. Know-it-all. We are in a hurry to get our thoughts sent out before we forget them and we end up forgetting that we want to connect with our wife. So What do we do? Blurt out our thoughts and not show her the courtesy or respect that is needed for a good connected conversation.


We don't have to expound all of our knowledge all at once. Our wife believes we can be awesome and smart. She is also awesome and smart so maybe hold back and if needed write the retort down so you can remember it.



Try to fix it


She doesn't want you to fix the problem. She wants the opportunity to share her life with you. When she complains about the day she had she’s not wanting sympathy as much as she is wanting to share her life.


The problem many of us men have is that we take our wife’s retelling and make it mean something worse. That she is suffering she’s in pain. She is not having a pleasant time and that it reflects badly upon us. Many of us men also have a tendency to become anxious, worried, scared, angry, or some other fear-based emotion That we want to avoid.


so instead of listening and connecting with her wife, we want to rush in with our toolbelt and get our wife to be happier instantly. Life doesn’t work that way how many times has our wife tried to get us to smile and cheer up and it doesn’t work? The same thing goes for her.


When we try to fix the problem often, our wife thinks that we don’t care about what her day was about. We want to hurry the conversation along so that we don’t have to connect with our wives. That is the very opposite of what we want. We want to connect with our wife. We want to have a wonderful relationship with our wife. We know that we have to have a good emotional connection with our wife, but we also don’t wanna feel bad. Therefore, we toss all of the work we’re doing out the window.

Have your phone out at supper


We gripe at our teenagers for having the phone out at times. We really want to connect. These phones that we have today are these wondrous little machines that give us feel-good emotional bumps every second of the day.


The big problem though is that when we don’t have our phones in our hands, the amount of serotonin and dopamine levels drop which tells our brain that we are bored. Our brain does not like to be bored. It likes that stimulation that it gets from that little rectangular slab of plastic glass and metal. so often when we are being unintentional in our life that phone magically appears in our hand. So what are you do?


How do you keep from having that phone out at supper? That’s work right there. You have to get over your thoughts of what boredom actually means.


To your wife, the phone being out means the same thing as the phone being out to the kids. She interprets you reading your email looking up some piece of trivia or what as you’re not interested in her. The same goes around for your wife if she has the phone and you want to talk. You know how that feels so you have to start intentionally paying attention to what your hands are doing while you’re waiting for a refill of the bread basket.


You can start turning the phone off when you go to eat. You can also take the phone and set it face down on a different table to signify that you don’t have the phone. And then start asking questions. Talk to your wife. Don’t fix as before, but have deep conversations by asking questions.


Porn


When it comes to marriage, we’re supposed to have sex on a regular basis. Well, that’s what we like to tell ourselves. Yet often as the years go on and kids come onto the scene lovemaking gets relegated to the back of the closet.


we get told through the years of all the times our wife has a headache all the times her wife is too cold all the times her wife is too hot all the times she is angry at us all the times that she is got other things on her mind. All the times that she is just flat out not in the mood all those times we get told no add up.


Eventually, we start looking at porn. Eventually, we will fall into a victim mindset around porn well I just wanna see someone have sex. I wanna know someone’s at least doing it and we use that as an easy to get some type of sexual gratification. However, porn causes major disconnection to our marriage. it’s easier to go to a porn site on the Internet than to have a connection with your wife. It’s easier to look at fake women that it is to talk to the real woman who is in the bedroom down the hall.


You’ll hear people say that porn can be addicting. I won’t say that, but it is a very easy habit to fall into because of the reward cycles that happen. You can get away from using porn. And you don’t have to be ashamed of it. You can step away from the dirty movies. But again you have to have thoughts about how you’re going to handle porn and how you’re going to improve the sex life between you and your wife.



Playing the victim


If you know anything about this site, you know, I am not for the victim. Playing the victim, aren’t you no respect? It causes more suffering than it benefits and makes the victim look like an all-around loser.


If you want to have a connection with your wife, pointing the blame that you’re unhappy at her is going to fix the problem pointing the blame that you’re unhappy to anybody else is not going to fix the problem. The only person who can fix the problem is the one who is complaining. Your wife wants a hero, not the victim loser who whines about how everything is not fair.


To fix the problem you have to own up to your own shortcomings. You have to own your dirt. This is scary to a natural victim but becomes very empowering as you exercise your anti-victim mindset.


Your wife will start seeing you hold your head a little higher as you take responsibility for your actions. You start taking responsibility for where you are in life. And you start changing your trajectory. 

Not believing what she says


Connection is built on a foundation of trust. And it is very tough to have trust when someone keeps telling you you’re wrong. When the person who’s supposed to have your back, doesn’t believe what you’re saying there’s not gonna be much connection going on. When your wife is telling you something that happened in her day, interrupting her isn’t going to fix the problem if she is talking about something that she sees from her eyes that you’re doing telling her she’s wrong doesn’t help your case.


A big part to remember is that she’s going off of how she perceives what’s going on. The same as your world is based upon how you perceive the world so instead of telling her she doesn’t know what she’s talking about when she says you never take the trash out, get curious this is when you really need to be curious in the heat of a of an argument ask the questions and start trying to see the world from her eyes.


Doing that practicing the four pillars of effective communication actually allow for greater connection and a greater understanding of your wife for those times when she is seeing her world in a particular fashion.


Being apathetic


Many times in our marriage we won’t have the same interest as what our spouse has. There isn’t any enthusiasm and we could honestly care less about what Cynthia in sales is doing with her life. Yet to express that apathy to your wife is the same as just pulling out your phone at the dinner table. You have to show her you are interested. You have to show curiosity and how her day went. You can do this by asking questions actively listening also helps, but showing how apathetic you are severs connections, faster than a hot razor blade through butter. 


Letting date night slide


It’s Friday night it’s date night. But you really are not kind of feeling good about going out tonight. Rather just kinda stay home and just loaf instead of getting dressed up and taking the wife out. Or maybe kiddos been sick and then the wife got sick and so there’s been two or three weeks of no date night. We’ll do it next week now that is the crack of roommate syndrome starting.


Be intentional with your date nights. Yes, they’re gonna be times you're not in the mood to go out yet go out. It’s the small investments in your relationship that pay out in spades.


Do those little things that don’t seem to matter. We’re married. I don’t need to date my wife anymore. That’s where you’re wrong. You need to date your wife even more after you’re married than when y’all were single and dating.


Being vague


Marriage is about the connection. And those connections require specificity. So being vague transmits a lack of interest and also a bit of secrecy. Are you hiding something from your wife? What is it?


Women tend to bend to the worst possible outcome. When they start worrying, they get out of control at times. If they don’t feel they can trust you they’re going to pull away that pulling away is going to disconnect you from each other.


Go into details when you’re talking about today. This is what your wife wants to hear. When she wants you to open up, she wants you to open up with your day. She doesn’t necessarily mean your emotions. She wants to know the details of your day. Stop being vague about what happened at work and start throwing those details at her.


Manipulate her emotions


This one is for the nice guys. I get it you are scared of your emotions. Whether you want to admit it or not, your wife’s emotions are just as scary as your own. But let her have her emotions. You have your own and yes, they are not very comfortable at times. However, if you want a good connection with your wife, you have to let her experience her on emotions. When she’s mad at you being OK with her being mad at you doesn’t mean that the marriage is over. Just means that she is not happy with an action word that you said.


We have to stop trying to manipulate our wife because her emotions matter to her she may not like them and she’s gonna do things that cause her to avoid her own emotions, but let her cope with her emotions and you cope with yours.


Don’t talk


When relationships really start to crumble, and roommates syndrome has got its claws dug deeply into a relationship. The big indicator is when you aren’t talking with each other anymore.


This lack of talking can stem from too many fights the avoidance of fighting the manipulation of each other‘s emotions The lack of communication is a desperate sign because both sides are pulling away and there is hope that the relationship can get better but it’s going to take effort lots of intentional effort on your part. Being OK with trying something and failing and having to step back and Try again.

Not intentionally spending time with each other


Many times us getting together requires that you actually have to schedule time. Sounds weird sounds so unromantic but yet when y’all were dating, you scheduled date night. He scheduled other parts of your life. So scheduling reconnection time is also critically important for you and your wife.


This can also go for scheduling sex. Now, many people cringe at that thinking that sex should be this spontaneous event that erupts yet ask yourself why has the sex died down? 90% of the time it’s because other things have come up y’all gotten busy you hadn’t connected. Life happens.


Being in emotional childhood


We talk about people being reactionary and being somebody who reacts to circumstances and an emotional way and often runs around, believing that emotions just happened to them. They believe that emotions just float through the air and you somehow just run face-first into them.

After 10 to 20 years of marriage, you may notice that the roommate syndrome has crept in and has set up Shop right in your bedroom. You may be noticing that there are a lot of things that are just kind of normal. Maybe you think that’s how things just are. However, this stuff can change. The connection that you are used to hasn't gone it’s just not being used. Your emotional connections are a lot like a muscle and you have to exercise it to keep it strong.


When we have that strong connection in our relationships, we experience a more fulfilling relationship. That connection is what our wife needs to be intimate with us. We often stand around, wondering why she doesn’t want to sleep with us anymore or why the sex has faded away to being once every three months when it used to be we were rocking our socks off every other day. The answer is, that we’ve let life happen. We’ve had arguments and we’ve said things that hurt each other’s feelings. We’ve lashed out because we were hurting emotionally. It means that we would rather feel emotionally safe and not feel hurt as much. Therefore, we withdraw.


That withdrawal pattern amplifies in distance as the years pass. Add kids and other responsibilities and eventually that smoking hot bride that we had isn’t putting on teddys and garter belts for us anymore. She is now in fuzzy pajama pants, a long nightgown sweatshirt with fuzzy socks. You can’t remember the last time she touched her makeup and getting her to go outside amongst people in public is like pulling teeth. When you look back you see and remember how adventurous she used to be. That lack of connection and that lack of communication is what created the problem you’re experiencing now.


Is there any hope? Should you just give up on this marriage and go find a younger model? I would dissuade from the divorce thoughts because you have years of connection. You need to have a reawakening to see that wonderful, beautiful, fulfilling marriage you both still have. The Key is you just have to work at rebuilding that connection now.



Start with the end in mind


When it comes to building a strong connection, you want to start with the end in mind. That means stepping back and examining what does a connected intimate marriage actually look like. Yes, it’s gonna have more sex for sure but what else? Are you ok with the possibility that the sex may never come back to what it was before? What does that look like? How do y’all reconnect each night before bed? How do you set aside intentional time for your wife? How do you foster a deeper connection during the hard times? What does your life with a deep meaningful fulfilling connection look like to you? That is the important part that we miss. How do we go about having a great fulfilling marriage? These are all questions you want to ask regularly.


Many times we step through life without intention so much so that we don’t even think of what we want our marriage to look like or how we want to act toward each other. We think that the other person is supposed to be bringing us joy, happiness, and fulfillment, but that is not the case. Your wife sadly cannot bring you happiness. Your wife cannot make you happy in any form. She doesn't have that power. The same goes for you. You are not able to make your wife happy. No matter what you say or do, you’re not gonna bring joy or fulfillment to her life. All of that is based upon your thoughts, so you have to first understand and examine and do the thought work on what you believe a good healthy marriage is about.


How do you think You behave when there’s a crisis how do you show up to that circumstance? Look in examine how you want your life to be from every possible angle and then look and see where you don’t show up like that and why do you not show up like that? What are you making your wife saying she’s got a headache mean about your relationship? you want to make sure you have those thoughts processed. Make plans as to how you would like to show up for your wife. Have a vision of how you will be. Don't worry about your wife. You have no control over her.



Understand your why and want to change.


What is it about your marriage that is unfulfilling? That’s a great question to ask, isn’t it? Can you answer that question honestly to yourself? What part of that scenario is your fault? That’s a big one if you’re able to answer that. You’re gonna be well on your way to finding answers and being able to change your marriage for the better, if you can see how you had a hand in creating this roommate syndrome.


The next part of your marriage that you want to examine is why you want to change. Yeah, the sex may not be as frequent as you would like, but that is just one aspect of a beautiful marriage. If all you can complain about is that you’re not getting as much nookie as you want, then other issues and that is a little bit more work. I would recommend that you look at your beliefs around marriage and sex.


Look at your "why" and examine that "why". Come to understand the reasons around why you want to better your marriage. That "why" is going to be your motivation. You are going to have rough spots as you make changes in your life. When it’s not going the way you wanted it to go you will need to turn to your "why". You’ve told your spouse that you’re gonna make changes in the past. You probably have told her that you were going to do any number of things that have never actually happened. This is because if you want her to change, you gotta show her how dedicated you are to that change. That dedication may take years. It’s not gonna be one week down the road for darn sure. So you have to lean on your "why". Why do you want a better marriage? Why do you want stronger connections and stronger communication with your wife? When you have that "why" you’ll be able to press through those difficult times. Other people just give up and revert back to their old comfortable ways, but not. you because you know why you want a better marriage.


When you have a why you can step into having a better relationship with your wife. You can do so with full knowledge and intention as to the direction you’re going to take your life and your family.



How are you going to intentionally improve your marriage?


Answer that question as honestly as you possibly can. That's because it’s gonna take all of your intentionality to improve the connection in your marriage. It’s going to take intentionally going to your wife sitting down and talking with her regularly. It’s gonna take you intentionally sharing your day with her no matter how dull and boring you think it is.


When you start becoming intentional in your actions you’re going to get better results. Are you going to still screw up? Oh hell yes, you are. You’re gonna mess up more times than you get right. As long as you are trying and you’re moving forward, and you’re examining what you’ve done with intention, you will see where you’ve messed up. Those problems will be easier to spot and change. You will make your life and your wife’s life better.



Layout your plans


We like to think that we can play things by ear. We can adjust. We have more freedom when we can make changes on the fly. Making plans and examining those plans change the results a lot more than just playing it by ear. Executing those plans is your road to success. If you don’t know where you’re going, are you going to get there? If you don’t know where you wanna wind up how are you even know if you’re close? You have to make plans with your wife.

• Every Saturday at 8 o’clock, I’m going to have a conversation with my wife.
• Every evening at 6 o’clock me and the wife are going to go for a walk.
• Every Tuesday and Thursday I’m going to wash the dishes.
• I am going to buy flowers on Friday For my bride.

List out what you want to accomplish. Then stick to those almost as religiously as you can. Yeah, there’s gonna be times that the’s kid's have an event is on Friday so you may not be able to go out for steak night. However, if every Friday night is date night, then you pretty much will nail every Friday night as being steak night.


Treat those date nights seriously. Maybe Saturday nights are your date nights now. Therefore, you start intentionally getting dressed up. Go two levels better than what you normally dress. Put on some cologne. Add some deodorant. Wash the undercarriage and go out into town with your wife and don’t expect anything in return for the adventure. If you’re expecting something in return that’s called manipulation and you’re breaking the connection even more.



Work on yourself, not on your wife.


The biggest part of improving your connection with her wife is to not try to fix her. If you think the problem is her, then you need to step back and examine your part of the scenario. She is withdrawn. She’s not putting out she’s not wanting to open up, my response would be what did you do to that. I get this is a difficult question to ask because we don’t want to say our Rose our fault but they are. Now could it be that we have been trying everything and our wife has had an affair? Yeah, there is a chance that that’s happened, but there is a bigger chance that she lost the emotional connection thanks to roommate syndrome and she just happened to find a guy who fit the Bill who makes her feel alive again. So you have to face up to the very uncomfortable fact that it’s not 100% your fault, but you did play a part in perpetuating the breakdown of that connection. This statement isn’t a means to bring upon self-hatred in any way, but when you can be honest with yourself, you’re going to be more willing to make the needed changes and put in the needed effort to fix what is broken in your marriage.


That doesn’t mean you start using your wife as a therapist either. That’s what your band of Brothers is about. You see our wives are not supposed to be our therapists. Our wives are not wanting us to open up emotionally. They do not want us to vomit our emotional feelings all over them. They want to be able to pass their negative experiences and their negative emotions over to you so that you can turn them into positive emotions again. They can’t do that when you’re throwing all of your negative experiences at them.


The secret to what women want from us is the one thing that guys don’t enough of and that is talk about the minuscule minute boring details of our day. When they want us to open up, that’s what they’re talking about. You opening up your life events to them. That’s why we struggle as men. We struggle as hard as we do. Because we’re opening up in the wrong way. Women want to be involved in our lives. Step back and look at how your wife talks to her friends. They go into detail about their day what they’re feeling what they’re seeing. What they experiencing. Look at the same scenario that they’re describing. There is this mountain that's got three really big large jagged cracks that go down the length of the mountain and it’s just so majestic when the sun hits it at a particular time of the day and it turns into a bright, fiery orange colored glow. While we just say we saw a big mountain and it was cool to see. These are big differences that help them feel involved in your life. That is what they mean when they say they want you to open up.



Work on your four pillars of Relaxed Male


Think back, to when you and your wife first married. You were young you had dreams and ideas and passions that you were going to conquer the world. What changed between then and now? That Dr. that passion doesn’t burn nearly as hot as it used to if it’s burning at all if it’s even smoldering, how big is your friend now? Maybe one good friend maybe one guy you call a friend but you’re not sure. How are you improving your life? Are you still in this great shape now, as you were 20 years ago? These are all things that attracted to us. So why do you think our wife is not attracted to us now?



Man’s mind


Your mind is the most important tool that you have. It’s what is needed for you to have a fulfilling relationship with your wife. It is also what you need to be a good dad for your kids. Your mind is tied to you. Yeah, so many of us men choose to not Exercise our minds at all. We would rather zone out on television games or anything else than continue to feed our minds. Men as soon as they graduate from high school cut their reading amount in half and then they continue to decrease as they go further in their education and college to where they cut down to almost 90% of the reading by the time they are out of school, we become smarter from the knowledge we receive in books, podcasts, lectures, and conferences. And yes, some of these cost money but others are free.


Most men learn the most from books. Knowledge has been passed down from generation to generation because of books. Yeah, ask people why they don’t read all I fall asleep if I start reading well yeah you will. If you tell yourself that enough do not fall asleep, watching television or watching a movie? Because the movie is shorter that can be some of it yeah but when you are reading, you can take that as a point of pride.


The interesting part about reading…

You may have heard me talk about how our minds are like computers. You get out what you put in. There are many instances of this from getting respect you have to first give respect. If you want peace in your life you have to first give peace.

Our Bodies are also like that

Are you in shape or are you an example of soft living? Do you eat nothing but vegetables or are you an omnivour? Do you exercise? Do you lift heavy objects and throw them around your yard? What you are doing and how you feel has a bit to do with what you are powering your body with. Some men do like to power their body with cigarettes and coffee and while that will work for a while it won't be long till you have problems with what you are putting in. Now. do you go to the extremes and be Mr. Healthnut? No Moderation is the key.

Our projects are like that.

Are you putting time effort and money into your projects or are you just doing some stuff hoping that it will eventually take off? If you aren't putting the needed effort into your project they will not reward you with the desired outcome.

Our relationships are also like that

Do you want kids that are happy to see you? How about a marriage where the wife is happy to see you? When the kids go to bed is she happy to get undressed for you? What are you putting into the relationship> are you putting a lot of self-defeating thoughts or are you bringing good healthy masculine energy to the relationship?

We often come home and proceed to sit on the couch and watch television. Yet what would your relationship be like if you were to become interested in your wife's world?

All of our relationships are like these. Now are we to act like women when we meet each other? No, we are men but we have to contribute to the relationship for it to grow. Yes we do have those long-time friends whom we see each other and we can pick up right where we left off but many more require care and diligence to nurture and grow.

 

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Summary

The main premise of this episode is examining the principle of "you get what you give" and how it manifests in different areas of our lives. The host, Brian, a certified men's coach, discusses three key examples where men often fail to put in enough effort or quality "inputs", resulting in poor "outputs" or undesirable results.

The first example is our bodies. Brian explains that our bodies function like computers - the inputs (thoughts, beliefs, actions) determine the outputs (health, weight, energy levels). If we feed our bodies junk food and have negative self-talk, we'll get poor physical results. He cautions against going to extremes like strict veganism or carnivorism, as moderation is healthier. The words we tell ourselves about our bodies become self-fulfilling.

The second example is our projects, goals, and aspirations. Many men don't put in the consistent, devoted effort and problem-solving required for their passions or dreams to truly take off. We hope for success with minimal work, but it doesn't happen that way. Brian stresses facing the mental obstacles and unhelpful thoughts that hold us back from applying ourselves fully to our desired endeavors.

The third key area is our relationships - romantic, familial, and friendships. The quality of energy, nurturing, love, curiosity, and work we put into our relationships is exactly what gets reflected back to us. Putting in sarcasm, criticism, neglect, and lack of communication breeds problems and disconnect. Unresolved conflicts pile up, leading to roommate-like situations lacking intimacy. However, nurturing with love, open communication, and true effort yields loving, fulfilling relationships.

For struggling relationships, Brian advises doubling down on efforts through vulnerable communication, curiosity about your partner's inner experience, and doing the inner self-work. For career struggles, working on fostering good professional relationships is key.

The overarching solution is to put high-quality "inputs" or effort into the four pillars of life: body, mind, community, and soul. Our thoughts ultimately create our reality, so being mindful of our self-talk and inputs is crucial.

Brian offers his discounted one-on-one coaching services to help men identify their ideal dream life and make a plan to put in consistent inputs across the key life areas to ultimately get their desired outputs and results.

The main takeaway is that the quality of what we get out of our health, goals, and relationships is a direct reflection of the quality and quantity of what we put into those areas through our thoughts, beliefs, actions, and efforts. Applying this "you get what you give" principle is key to transforming one's life experience.

00:00:00 Introduction 00:03:42 The Three Spaces 00:07:35 Body and Mind 00:12:22 Nurturing Relationships 00:18:47 Input Equals Output 00:21:39 Putting in Effort 00:23:24 Closing Words

With much of life, we can either float down the river of life or we can steer our life to where we want to go. The difference is that when we use intention we get closer to where we want to go sooner than if we just drift.
Lack of intention is where you hope you arrive at your desired destination. You are just going through life and often unintentional people come across as if they are asleep and don't put much thought into why they are doing what they are doing. They often will find these people blaming external events and not that they had any hand in creating the results they are facing. People who are going through life with emotional childhood are living life unintentionally. They see emotions as things that just happen and don't want to apply the fact that your thoughts create your emotions. What is living with intention? 
Deciding how you are going respond behave approach any circumstance ahead of time.
But what if you don't know?
review your actions and make decisions Why we don't live with intention? 
It's scary
We are responsible Where do you start? 
Start by making a decisions
Then plan out how you are going to reach those results
Take action Take the Next Step 
Get coaching for 95% off
 Summary 
The episode is about the power of intention and living life intentionally rather than just drifting through life without direction or purpose. The main points covered are:

1. What happens when we lack intention in life - We end up like a boat without a rudder, just floating aimlessly and likely crashing into things or running aground. Many people live this unintentional life, making decisions without much thought, and ending up broke or unhappy.
2. Benefits of intentional living - When we live with intention, consciously deciding how we want to live and behave, we can steer our lives in the direction we want rather than being at the mercy of circumstances.
3. Examples of intentionality are deciding ahead of time how you want to be as a parent, how to react when your teenager scratches the car, and choosing a career path thoughtfully rather than defaulting to something.
4. Challenges of intentionality - It requires taking responsibility for our choices and actions. Many avoid this because it's easier to just drift than make hard decisions.
5. How to live intentionally - Examine your life, decide how you want to live, set goals aligned with that vision, and take active steps every day towards those goals. Course-correct when you fail to live up to your intentions.
6. The alternative of unintentional living - Living reactively, spending frivolously, blaming others/systems for your circumstances. Ending up broke, unhappy or crashing against the metaphorical shore.

Catch the Show notes at

https://www.relaxedmale.com/the-power-of-living-life-intentionally/

Chapters

(00:00) Introduction to The Relaxed Male

(02:18) The Power of Intention

(02:53) Understanding Intentionality in Life

(06:37) The Impact of Intention on Lifes Path

(07:43) Being Intentional as a Parent

(09:40) Consequences of Unintentional Actions

(14:31) Overcoming Fear of Intentionality

(16:59) Making Decisions for Intentional Living

If you would like to reclaim your bride and leave the mediocrity of roommate syndrome behind, then it is time to take the next step.
Take The Next Step

In relationships, we often will slide into a form of comfort routine that is called the Roommate Syndrome

The Roommate Syndrome Where sparks go to smolder.

Why does this happen?

past disagreements

It is easier

Rejection free

 

How to rekindle the spark

Know what the roommate syndrome is about.

Start with the end in mind

Much like the word rekindle you have to use kindling Kindling is a small flammable material that you can use to grow an ember into a bonfire.

It starts with the small stuff

Rediscover the silly you

95% Off Coaching Offer

 

Summary

Here is a detailed summary of the key points from this podcast episode:

The episode discusses the "roommate syndrome" that can happen in marriages, where the spark and passion fades over time. The host, Brian, explains that this happens because of our unintentional thoughts and mindsets over the course of a long-term relationship.

He notes that as couples get older, their sexual frequency and intensity naturally declines compared to when they were younger. This can lead to feelings of disconnection and the "roommate syndrome" setting in, where the relationship feels more like living with a roommate than an intimate partner.

The host explains that this happens for a few key reasons:

1. Women tend to be more mentally/emotionally oriented when it comes to sex, needing more foreplay and mental preparation, compared to men who are more physically/visually driven. As life demands increase for women, sex can become lower on the priority list.
2.  
3. Couples stop making the effort to reconnect and be playful/adventurous like they did when dating. Avoiding difficult conversations about the lack of intimacy also contributes to the problem.
4.  
5. Men become afraid of rejection when consistently turned down for sex, so they stop initiating and turn to less fulfilling outlets like porn.

The host emphasizes the importance of open communication between partners to find solutions. This may involve compromises, exploring new ways of being intimate, and rediscovering the playfulness the couple had early in the relationship. He encourages men to focus on becoming the best version of themselves, which can reignite their wife's interest.

Overall, the episode highlights how the "roommate syndrome" is a common issue, but one that can be overcome through intentional effort, communication, and rediscovering the fun and silliness that used to characterize the relationship.

What does the world look like when you are curious

Why it is good to get curious

You see more out there

You see what is possible

Better at problem-solving

You are more relatable

More creative

More Fulfilment

Strengthens relationships

Applying those to your relationships

You understand your spouse or friend more

You learn and discover more

Curiosity helps you to connect even more

it deepens the intimacy with your spouse

Want to learn how to have more curiosity in your relationships then take the Next step?

 

 

Summary

The main topic of this podcast episode is the importance of being curious in life, relationships, and personal growth. The host, Bryan, explains that having a curious mindset allows you to find more joy, happiness, and fulfillment.

He discusses how when we are young, we are naturally very curious about the world around us. As we get older, that innate curiosity tends to fade as we settle into routines and stop questioning things as much. However, maintaining a sense of curiosity is vital for several reasons:

1. Curiosity opens up new possibilities and helps spark creativity to solve problems in innovative ways, especially for entrepreneurs.
2.  
3. Being curious makes you a better problem solver in all areas of life rather than just accepting "That's how we've always done it."
4.  
5. Curiosity makes you more relatable and eager to learn from others. It shows you don't know everything.
6.  
7. A curious mindset is a growth-oriented abundant mindset, whereas a lack of curiosity leads to a scarcity mindset of just holding on to what you have.

The episode emphasizes how curiosity can greatly strengthen relationships, especially with your spouse/partner. Asking questions, being interested in her perspective/hobbies, and striving to understand why she does things a certain way builds intimacy and makes her feel heard and understood.

Practical tips are given like the "5 whys" approach to get to the root of someone's motivations by repeatedly asking "Why?" Curiosity about your partner's world helps create deeper connections. Even asking about topics you don't care about can make the other person feel you're a great conversationalist.

Overall, the host advises making a conscious effort to embrace curiosity by asking more questions, being open to learning, and examining the details of the world around you. This curiosity will lead to more fulfillment, stronger bonds, creative problem-solving, and personal growth.

00:00:00 The Power of Curiosity 00:01:47 Embracing Curiosity in Life 00:05:30 Challenging the Status Quo 00:07:28 Embracing Growth Through Curiosity 00:11:10 Curiosity vs. Scarcity Mindset 00:11:25 Strengthening Relationships Through Curiosity 00:11:46 Unveiling Relationship Dynamics with Curiosity 00:17:59 Building Strong Connections Through Curiosity

After many years couples often find themselves in a strange predicament. The Sex and closeness fall off and people just sort of exist in the same house. There are lots of thoughts and interpretations of this. The decrease in intimacy has been a problem in marriage since marriages were implemented. Many today believe that the reason for the decrease in intimacy is the institution of marriage. That the very act of committing yourself to another person is why the fire dies down. It can be (See Roommate Syndrome) but it isn't the reason.

Why do intimacy challenges come up?

We are human and we can't do anything without some type of emotion mixed in. We are just emotional beings. We are also creatures of habit. We do not want to rock the boat too much out of fear that we will be scorned in some way. We don't want to be kicked out of our village and lose all that we have worked so hard to gather. So why do we fall into roommate syndrome?

Routine

The big reason is we find a routine that works for us. The wife likes her shows and you like yours so you go and watch TV in separate rooms. Instead of going out for a walk or doing something different.

Don't want to stir up emotions

Doing something new can cause people to feel different emotions.

Nice guy syndrome

Sorry nice guys but you strike again. Trying to control as much as you do causes people to not venture out into the fun areas of life. So we become bored.

A relationship can't survive without sex?

Funny how this is often the go-to for why we need sex in our lives. Yet that isn't fully the case. yeah, it would be nice to get boned on a regular basis, but men often have a higher sex drive than women. So we often want to have sex far more often than our spouse would like to have it. So what do you do? That is why you are here.

Roommate Syndrome

Roommate syndromes are when you have hit a plateau. You have found yourself and your spouse in a rut and this is a good place to be because it means it is time for you to grow.

You have a choice

Now it may seem as if we are struggling against an impossible wall but that is where our suffering is coming from our thoughts of the matter. We always have a choice. We can change and grow and become the people that lead our spouses out of mediocrity or we can let the marriage wither or we can just stay the same and hope that one of the people in the relationship doesn't venture out for some adventure with someone else.

Stay and find out how to grow

The one choice I feel most people want is to stay with their spouse and find out how to become the partner their spouse needs in their life.

How to increase intimacy

There are many different ways we can increase intimacy. We first need to know what type of intimacy we are growing. Any intimacy is one thing but it does help to know what type you are aiming for. According to All Points North, there are 5 types of intimacy we want in our relationships.

Emotional intimacy

This is, how much emotional connection are you and your spouse willing to have? How willing are you to open up to your spouse about emotions? There are some thoughts as to how deep you need this to be for a good connection with your wife.

Spiritual Intimacy

How are you and your spouse sharing yall's religion? Many people like to say they are "spiritual" and that's fine but what is your belief and is your belief compatible with your spouse?

Intellectual Intimacy

How much curiosity is there about each other?

Social Intimacy

How much do you share in each other's interests?

Physical intimacy

This is what we men want most. but to get this you often need to do some other things to get here.

• They want to feel emotionally safe and secure
• They want to feel trusted
• They have to trust their partner.
• Women are mental beings so their engines are started by you waving your ding-a-ling around. This is why women can't stand dick pics. Men, we love our penises but women don't.

Start dating your girl again

Time to go back into the old dating box in the back of your mental closet dust it off and start dating each other again.

Schedule sex

It may not seem as spontaneous but at the same time, it does create some habits that have long been lost. There have been couples that actually tried 365 days of sex. They came out of it with a stronger connection with their significant other.

Have a Strong Man's Community Pillar

Talk to other men and have a life outside of your marriage

Go back to Cheesy Romantic stuff

Yeah get romantic. Exercise that muscle.

Flowers

Start giving flowers regularly. Even today's women still like flowers.

Love notes

How often do you leave love notes for your wife to find? that is too few. DO more.

Love texts

Send a text to your wife at random times telling her how much she means to you and how happy you are. Might even throw a little saucy language in to spice the feeling up a little. Just no dick pics.

Drop the Mental Fights

Many people have mental arguments with their spouses. If you do this stop. If you find yourself in that space let her win in your mind. This is about respect for your wife if you don't stop your lack of respect will show up in other ways that your wife will pick up.

Show Gratitude

One of the greatest ways to get out of the scarcity mindset of no sex is to just start being grateful for your spouse. Then tell them why you are grateful.

Be curious

Relearn who your wife is

or let the marriage fall apart

This is also a solution it may not be what you want but it is a solution also.

 Special Coaching Offer 95% off - 

Summary

Intimacy challenges that couples often face in long-term relationships. After the initial "honeymoon phase", issues like lack of sex, emotional distance, and falling into routines and "roommate syndrome" can arise.

He makes the point that while a relationship can survive without sex, most intimacy problems stem from negative thought patterns - making assumptions about the other person's feelings, not processing emotions healthily, and getting stuck in unfulfilling routines out of fear of disrupting the situation.

Goodwin identifies 5 types of intimacy that need nurturing: emotional, spiritual, intellectual, social, and physical. He suggests several ways to overcome roommate syndrome and reignite intimacy:

• Date your partner again like when you were first together
• Schedule sex, try new things to rediscover sensuality
• Build a strong male social circle apart from your spouse
• Do romantic gestures - flowers, notes, surprises
• Stop having unproductive "mental fights" criticizing your partner
• Be curious about your partner's life, ask questions
• Express gratitude for small things your partner does
• Give 100% effort without expectation of reciprocation

The underlying message is that growth, discomfort and effort are required to sustain a thriving long-term intimate relationship. Sticking to routine out of fear often leads to dissatisfaction or the relationship falling apart entirely.

( 00:00 ) Intimacy Challenges ( 02:20 ) Relationship Struggles ( 09:40 ) Surviving Without Sex ( 12:32 ) Types of Intimacy ( 30:41 ) Overcoming Roommate Syndrome ( 34:10 )Ending Mental Fights ( 37:17 ) Showing Gratitude ( 39:29 ) Giving 100%, Expecting Zero

Men struggle with strong meaningful connections. Many even struggle with just having a relationship. So many men today don't have close relationships or their relationships are just surface-level connections that don't fulfill the purpose of a relationship.

We men need relationships and yet we forsake our own needs for a plethora of reasons. So why do we need to have good strong relationships? Why can't we just hermitize ourselves and just be done with it?

Benefits of a good relationship

Why are relationships needed? What makes the messy emotional events of having relationships with both men and women good for us?

Live longer

This is mainly for married men but when a man has friends who force him to get out of the house and go do things. These men live longer and more fulfilled because they have a relationship with both men and women.

Men who are isolated have stronger suicide tendencies

Sadly many men do end their lives because they have isolated themselves. In fact a guy who starts to isolate needs strong relationships more than ever.

Happier

Why do men actually long for relationships.

Relationships with women

It helps them see life as an adventure

Three desires of a man

1. He wants a battle to fight.
2. He dreams of adventure.
3. He longs for a beauty to rescue

We love to care

We Love to be cared for

We do like the input from women

Men seek specifics in their relationships and often don't find them

• Praise and approval
• Respect
• Connection
• Space
• Security
• Physical Touch

Relationships with other men

A means to be pushed to be better

others to learn from

A refill of their masculine energy

Men need to have a connection with those around them

Why do men not have as many friends as they could have?

Many men don't have close friends at all

Sadly many men have stopped trying or using the internet as a cheap knockoff connection

They lost their girl's challenge.

Coaching Offer

 

Summary

Introduction

Bryan Goodwin hosts The Relaxed Male podcast, aimed at helping men remove the "nice guy" mindset and live life on their own terms. This episode (#221) focuses on the importance of relationships for men. Why Relationships are Important for Men

Men struggle with relationships - romantic partners, family, friends, coworkers etc. Some men avoid relationships altogether through movements like "men going their own way." However, strong relationships provide several key benefits for men: Longevity Married men tend to live longer than single men, especially if the marriage is a strong, connected one. When a wife passes away, the widowed husband often dies soon after of "a broken heart." Lower Suicide Risk Men with solid relationships have lower tendencies towards suicide compared to isolated men. Friends will notice if a man starts withdrawing and pull him back out. Happiness Overall, married men report being happier than single men. Having masculine friendships pushes men to get out, try new activities and adventures they wouldn't alone. Benefits Men Seek in Relationships

Words of affirmation/praise Respect Connection/security Physical touch (both platonic and romantic) Men are often the "romantics" craving spice from their wives Importance of Male Friendships

Allow men to be their full, uninhibited selves Provide positive masculine energy that balances feminine energy from romantic partners Men learn from each other and push each other to grow Having a tight community of male friends is crucial Challenges to Building/Maintaining Friendships

Many men lack close friendships - estimates of 15% having no close friends Online friendships are not a full substitute for in-person connection Romantic partners sometimes pressure men to drop male friends Men must be willing to stand up to this "test" from partners to keep respected friendships Bryan's Plug for Coaching Services

For men wanting to improve their relationships (romantic or platonic) 3-month coaching package to change perspectives on relationships Connect with Bryan through the website to take advantage of a discounted offer Overall, the episode argues that all kinds of relationships - romantic, family, friendships - are vital for men's mental health, life satisfaction, personal growth, and even longevity. Building a strong community of male friends is particularly emphasized.

( 00:00 ) Introduction to The Relaxed Male ( 00:32 ) The Importance of Relationships ( 06:48 ) Benefits of Strong Relationships ( 11:22 ) Specific Benefits for Men ( 18:29 ) The Importance of Male Friendships ( 24:05 ) The Role of Community in Men's Lives