Tom Cruise runs.

This week we accept our mission and immediately compromise it by talking too much. Let’s take a fresh look at Brian De Palma’s aggressively stylized spy reboot - Mission Impossible, a movie that invents modern blockbuster espionage while also insisting that every elevator in Eastern Europe is one bad day away from becoming a murder device. Anthony zeroes in on the franchise DNA, questioning whether Ethan Hunt has ever actually fired a gun, or if this is just Fast & Furious for people who can breathe through their noses. Elise remains deeply unconvinced by nearly everything on screen, especially the soft-focus glow applied exclusively to women, the sheer confidence of the plot, and the continued, unforgivable lack of Kurt Russell. And in case you had ANY doubts about what anyone means by 0400, Dan is back and has the answer.

From the cursed NOC list to face-rip-ception and a theme song in 5/4 because aliens apparently deserve something to dance to, this is a movie that commits hard. Don’t get any on you, trust no elevator, and remember: if someone says “abort,” they absolutely do not mean it.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117060/

It's the Christmas Episode!  

(To the tune of The Christmas Song)

Penguins roasting in the sewer pipes,

Everybody knows

He knows that Batman’s on his way,

And so we’re offering this simple phrase

Clint Eastwood shows up, directs himself, scores his own movie, and lands every emotional punch.  Million Dollar Baby steps into the ring with gloves off, and we regret to inform you that this week we actually take a movie seriously.

There’s a surprising amount of calm confidence in how this movie moves.  Catholic guilt doing laps around a boxing gym, Hilary Swank quietly turning in an undeniable all-timer, and all signs pointing to a conclusion that Clint Eastwood may have never been wrong about anything in his life except maybe not having Ring Dudes between rounds.

So we joke, we curse, we opine about how great it must be to sound like Morgan Freeman.  They’re just fighting uphill against a story that insists on being sad in a way that’s earned, not manipulative.  What starts as a boxing drama slowly reveals itself as an existential gut punch that refuses to let us laugh our way out of it. Get your guard up and mouthpiece in, Eastwood's gonna wreck you.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0405159/

We’re FINALY back to the queue.  

Are you angry, punching someone, or in a mob negotiation?  Then Millers Crossing may be right for you.  It's a beautiful, chaotic, slang-riddled escape where everyone looks great in a hat and absolutely no one uses language the way the rest of the planet agreed English should work.  The politics are murky, the violence is constant, and half the characters sound like they were raised by bootleggers and crossword puzzles.

Anthony discovers Steve Buscemi was once young enough to pass for a regular human.  Elise wonders if this is a good fit for her headspace.  Nick considers pooping someone.  Together we attempt to solve the film’s greatest mystery: how many coats, hats, and suspenders can one man wear while still being considered sexually available?

So grab your hat, your emotional support bottle of whiskey, and your questionable life choices, because Miller’s Crossing has been sitting in the queue long enough and Fair Weather Geoff deserves closure.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100150/

Ok, it's FINALLY time to talk Miller's Crossing.  Talking about a real film.  A masterpiece.  A thing that involves acting and cameras that were pointed at things on purpose.  Or so we thought.  For one shining moment.  

But no.  People keep dying and so instead we are here to honor the late, great Ace Frehley by wrestling with the low budget, low quality, made for TV hype-fest known as Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park.

Nick, Anthony, and Elise recount ninety six minutes of commercial breaks disguised as a movie.  Fair Weather Manny takes another hall pass and risks getting relegated to Geoff.  We get villains in underground lairs, a gorilla chained up for reasons no human can explain, Gene Simmons sounding like he swallowed a box fan, and a performance from KISS that looks exactly as good as KISS actually looks.  There are fights, mummies, kabuki dancers, malfunctioning rides, and the CONSTANT reminder: KISS is performing tonight!  This production had more ADR than plot and more confusion than continuity.  Join Abner's clones in wondering why are we here.

Still, there is joy in the pain.  There are puns.  There are jokes about platform boots and worrying about hypnotized fans.  There is the proud moment when we all realize we are watching this so you can listen Frehley.  This is not a journey to take alone.  Grab a drink, grab a friend, and let's power through to a brighter tomorrow.  

Strap into your tighty-whiteys folks, because this week we take on Something’s Gotta Give, a movie that opens with Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” and only gets more bewildering from there. Nick, Elise, and Anthony wade through a Hamptons fantasy land where everyone is wealthy beyond reason, morals take the day off, and Jack Nicholson wanders around in tighty-whiteys giving new meaning to his SAG card. We did not plan to hit this one, but Diane Keaton’s passing continues our accidental tradition of rearranging the watchlist every time Hollywood breaks our hearts.

Once the shock wears off, the real questions start piling up. Why is half the cast named “Beauty,” and why does the movie treat CPR like a party trick? How is Keanu Reeves the only person behaving like he belongs in a functioning society? And at what point did Nancy Myers decide that age gaps large enough to trigger a carbon dating session should be adorable? Step aside Geoff and make room for Fair Weather Manny who decided that this is a world so disconnected from reality that he tapped out of this episode.  

By the time we wrap, we are staring down the film’s unbelievable box office numbers, the critic scores that feel like clerical errors, and the troubling fact that Nicholson’s undercarriage has more screen presence than some billed actors. Pull up a chair and pour one out for Diane Keaton. You deserved better, we all did.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0337741/  

For Halloween, the crew goes into Maximum Overdrive, Stephen King’s one-and-only directorial meltdown brought to you by a truly 1980's amount of cocaine.  Angry trucks, possessed toasters, and for the love of god, will someone please tell AC/DC to shut directly the eff up. Somewhere between exploding drawbridges and the Green Goblin semi grinning like a maniac, the chaos starts to feel almost profound.  Almost.

We talk killer vending machines, sleazy Bible salesmen, and the mystery of why a comet’s “space fart” would make a lawnmower homicidal.  It’s a glorious junkyard of blood, beer, and bad decisions held together by pure noise and misplaced confidence.

By the end, one truth remains: this isn’t a movie to rewatch alone. It’s a social event, best shared with chemical assistance.  Consider it practice for when the machines rise up.  You’ll want someone nearby to confirm that, yes, it’s really happening.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091499/

Nick and Anthony return to the dojo this week to unpack Marantau, a martial arts coming-of-age story about a gap year involving a bus ride, a sewer-pipe apartment, and several felony assaults. Between righteous fury at the close-up finger-food scene and the realization that “bear-crawl fighting pajamas” are an actual thing, this episode proves enlightenment might just come one punch at a time.

Paul Newman and Robert Redford ride again with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, a film where outlaws rob trains, the soundtrack does acid, and everyone somehow looks like they’ve been airbrushed by God. Between the sepia intro and the bicycle ballet, we’re wondering how a movie about running from the law manages to feel like a cologne commercial.

If you came here for film criticism, bless your heart. If you came to ruin Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head forever, well, saddle up.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064115/

Despite all the reasons to hate on the government, they did give us a reason to watch George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, and Jeff Bridges dropping acid in the desert while cosplaying psychic soldiers. This week, we’re finding out if truth is actually dumber than fiction with The Men Who Stare at Goats.