Melissa donated $5,000 to Ronald McDonald House Charities of St. Louis through Donny Fandango's Radiothon, chose to spend her 40th birthday hanging out with The Rizzuto Show, and was immediately rewarded with the prestigious broadcasting opportunity every aspiring radio personality dreams about:
Reading an endorsement for a fake adult novelty store called The Iron Grip.
Welcome to radio, Melissa.
Today’s funny podcast wastes absolutely no time making our birthday guest regret her generosity. Melissa joins the on-air family, gets drafted onto Rafe’s team for Do It Bitch, and is handed what appears to be a legitimate live commercial for a brand-new sponsor in Edwardsville.
Except The Iron Grip apparently specializes exclusively in adult products shaped like fists.
Big ones. Small ones. Glow-in-the-dark ones.
There’s a “Heavyweight Champion,” a “Double-Ended Sparring Partner” and, naturally, the Southpaw Special Starter Kit.
Melissa powers through the commercial like a professional while everybody else completely loses it, only for Rizz to announce some devastating breaking news immediately afterward:
The client canceled.
One read and they’re gone.
Advertising is a brutal business.
From there, the show gets considerably more serious as Rafe and Rizz discuss Evil Dead legend Bruce Campbell and his candid comments about his cancer diagnosis.
Campbell says doctors have given him a five-year prognosis, but his attitude toward it is about as Bruce Campbell as you’d expect. He plans to keep working, keep pursuing the projects he loves and deal with his health problems as they arrive instead of allowing the diagnosis to define whatever time comes next.
The crew talks about his career, his incredible deadpan comedy, the evolution of Evil Dead from horror into campy horror-comedy and why Campbell deserves even more credit for turning Ash into such an iconic character.
It’s thoughtful.
It’s sincere.
It’s genuinely moving.
So obviously we immediately follow it with Richard Gere and a gerbil.
Welcome back.
Rizz introduces what may be one of the greatest pieces of investigative journalism ever attempted: a reporter apparently spent SIX YEARS investigating the origins of the infamous Richard Gere gerbil urban legend.
Six years.
Not Watergate.
Not organized crime.
Gerbilgate.
The rumor predates social media, Reddit and basically every modern mechanism capable of turning nonsense into accepted historical fact within eleven minutes. Yet somehow the story spread across America and became so famous that people who had never met one another were all hearing slightly different versions of the exact same ridiculous tale.
According to the investigation discussed on the show, one major accelerant was a fraudulent press release supposedly from an animal-rights organization that was faxed to newsrooms and Hollywood agencies around Los Angeles.
Remember fax machines?
Apparently misinformation had to work much harder back then.
The legend mutated as it traveled. Different versions involved different hospitals, different objects and increasingly elaborate details, while alleged secret X-rays and other “evidence” became part of the mythology.
The crew starts wondering why everyone believed it.
Was it because Richard Gere was handsome, famous and married to Cindy Crawford, so society collectively decided the universe needed to humble him?
Rafe has a theory.
If one man gets to spend years married to prime Cindy Crawford, maybe everybody else needs to believe that guy has at least ONE extremely bizarre flaw.
Thus, the scales of justice demand a gerbil.
Which leads to the important hypothetical question nobody had ever requested:
Would you accept ten years with Cindy Crawford if everyone believed the Richard Gere rumor was about YOU?
Rafe is in.
Rizz is negotiating the terms.
Moon doesn’t care about rumors.
Lern is apparently serving as legal counsel.
This funny podcast has officially become a contract negotiation nobody should ever put in writing.
The conversation then spirals beautifully into Richard Gere attempting to visit a hypothetical pet store, South Park’s Lemmiwinks, Cindy Crawford’s Illinois roots, Gere’s feud with Sylvester Stallone during The Lords of Flatbush, and the glorious collection of celebrity urban legends that existed before anybody could simply Google whether they were complete garbage.
Marilyn Manson’s rib.
Gene Simmons’ tongue.
Rod Stewart.
Bon Jovi.
Jamie Lee Curtis.
And because every generation apparently deserves its own completely ridiculous celebrity rumor, Rizz nominates Machine Gun Kelly for future service.
Congratulations, MGK.
You weren’t consulted.
Then Lern brings us Crap on Celebrities, where things get slightly less gerbil-intensive but no less chaotic.
The crew discusses the controversy surrounding Macklemore being removed from Ed Sheeran’s tour after his pro-Palestinian comments, followed by multiple opening acts withdrawing in solidarity. Ed Sheeran says the decision wasn’t his and that promoters and venue operators ultimately made the call after venues threatened not to host dates.
Rafe checks the imaginary breaking-news wire and reports that Ed Sheeran has now quit his own tour.
He walked out on himself.
Solidarity has reached its final form.
There’s also speculation about Justin Bieber and Harry Styles as potential future Super Bowl halftime performers, although neither had actually been approached according to the story being discussed.
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce have reportedly installed automated security warnings around their massive Ohio property, giving Rizz yet another piece of technology he desperately wants at his own house.
Get too close?
BACK UP.
Honestly, Rizz might install one inside the studio.
Kelly Osbourne opens up about one of her final conversations with Ozzy and the estrangement between Kelly and her older sister Aimee, leading the crew to remember how remarkable it was that one member of the Osbourne family managed to stay largely outside the reality-TV circus while practically everyone around her became massively famous.
Moon declares that decision extremely metal.
Correct.
Robert De Niro is reportedly in talks to play legendary Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda in a biopic, which immediately creates a new Hollywood controversy nobody saw coming:
Why is Robert De Niro stealing jobs from fat guys?
Finally, justice.
Lern also discovers several pieces of music history that everyone apparently deleted from their brains, including Paul Rodgers performing with Queen and Ozzy Osbourne scoring a Top 10 hit decades after “Close My Eyes Forever” thanks to his collaboration with Post Malone and Travis Scott on “Take What You Want.”
Moon’s conclusion?
None of this happened.
Lern is inserting facts from an alternate reality.
And frankly, after spending this much time discussing Richard Gere, we’re no longer qualified to determine what is real.
Then it’s finally time to celebrate Melissa turning 40.
She shares her birthday with Amy Poehler, Nick Jonas, Alexis Bledel, Marc Anthony, Jennifer Tilly, Richard Marx, David Copperfield and several others.
But Melissa isn’t finished earning her $5,000 donation.
After already surviving The Iron Grip commercial, the birthday girl is handed one more prestigious broadcasting assignment:
Reading the Porno Birthday.
She handles that one like a champion, too.
Melissa came to The Rizzuto Show for her 40th birthday and got fake commercials, celebrity gossip, gerbil journalism and an extremely questionable birthday-reading assignment.
And she STILL has to play Do It Bitch with the crew.
Follow The Rizzuto Show → linktr.ee/rizzshow for more from your favorite daily comedy show.
Connect with The Rizzuto Show Comedy Podcast online → 1057thepoint.com/RizzShow.
Hear The Rizz Show daily on the radio at 105.7 The Point | Hubbard Radio in St. Louis, MO.
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
