The Roargasm: A Detroit Lions Podcast

Lomas and Deano pod without Uncle Brother, who needed a bi-week from talking about the Lions. Lomas once again sports his new Lions robe, the comfort of which has been undermined by the very disappointing loss.

We barely get through the serenity prayer, which is needed now more than ever.

We mourn the state of the defense and have no idea what can be done to fix it until Branch returns and/or we trade for some defensive talent, which doesn't seem likely.

We also don't understand why the Lions were not able to run the ball all over the Panturds, whose run defense supposedly sucks donkey balls. Not against us, apparently.

We consider that something vital has shifted in the Roarverse, and not in a good way. What was once a space filled with hope and optimism has now been clouded by doubt and confusion. Will the DC/BH era come to be seen as ultimately transitional, taking the franchise from a state of utter despair and misery to one of respectability and, briefly, Bowl contention ... but no further? Time will tell, but we're beginning to suspect that this might be the case.

Lady Lomas, who is sick, appears briefly via phone to let Lomas know that the tea he brought her is not hot enough.

Deano plays a song for Uncle Brother, in absentia.

We pull off a pretty decent two-man roar.

In After the Roar, we advocate for a Total Recall-type technology that can erase Lions memories and implant memories of whichever winning football team you choose. This seems totally doable, considering the rapid rate of technological development.

Finally, we consider changing the name of the pod back to Roaraholics Anonymous, since nobody is doing much Roargasming right now. And we might have to change the theme music to a dirge in the style of Tibetan throat singing.

Are we gonna beat the Fartinals next week in Arizona? The wise guys think so. But who knows? With our ball-sucking D, nothing is certain.

That's all for now, Roar Nation. Stay strong.

Uncle Brother, Deano, and Lomas are back in full force!

Deano improvises a slightly new Serenity Prayer.

Lomas reveals a new Lions robe and reads from a new chapter from the Book of Jared.

We celebrate the Lions solid win over a not terrible Jets/Shits squad. Even though our 4-rate secondary made Geno Smith look like Joe Montana, our offense finally looked like the well-oiled machine of a few years ago. The People Mover moved people and gave Jared enough time to spread the ball around. Jamo caught a few balls. Even TeSSllaa got involved, which was good to see.

And of course Jah Gibbs was a TD machine. Dude had a run that was positively Barry-esque. We all saw it and thought the same thing at the same time.

We pull off a decent, if slightly wobbly, three-part Roar.

And After the Roar devolves into all kinds of silly nonsense.

That's all for now, Roar Nation. We've got some momentum. Let's keep roaring next week on the road against the Carogina Panthers.

Welp, that sucked donkey balls. And anus.

But we knew it would, right?

Short week. On the road. Against the best QB1 in the game. Our secondary arguably the worst in the NFL, maybe ever.

Still, watching the Lions go down 21-0 early in the game was rough, reminiscent of the pre-DC era Dark Times.

Anyhow, Lomas and Uncle Brother pod without Deano, who was on super secret special probation lockdown on Floor 13 of Wallbrook, which officially does not exist.

We conclude the obvious: that unless the defense can be fixed and ascend to the level of merely bad instead of stupefyingly incompetent, we're in serious trouble, even against bad/mediocre teams.

We attempt another superlative roar, which doesn't go as well as we think it did.

We try out some Rolling Stones (Roaring Stones) song parodies, including "Under My Roar" and "You Can't Always Roar What you Want".

Next week we get the Jets (still awaiting a stupid nickname), who we should beat. But with our defense, who knows?

Until next time, stay safe, Roar Nation. And keep roaring!

Week 1, right?

Talk about a win that felt like a loss. But then again, what do we know about football? What does anyone know?

Lomas, UB, and Deano contemplate the strangeness of putting up 31 and winning feels like a kick right in the donkey balls.

Jamo--who we love!--apparently, as the Book of Jared foresaw, sold his birthright for a bowl of donkey ball stew, and was cursed by the Ghost of Bobby Layne to play like total shit.

All we know is, in a few days the Lions play the Suckalo Billcocks, in Suckalo. Might not hurt to look up the records for most passing yards and passing touchdowns in a game. Cause Josh Allen has a real shot at breaking them. Our poor, poor, third-rate secondary is a-gonna get destroyed.

At least we have one of the best, most explosive guys in the league in Ja Gibbs. Here's hoping we figure out how to use him without using him up.

Anyway, Roar Nation, a win is a win, right? Even if it feels like a loss, it's a fucking win.

Roar.

Ladies and Gentlemen (all right, pretty much only gentlemen), set your engines to full ROAR ... For another Detroit Lions Football Season is upon us!

The Roargasm crew is back in full force, and we are ... how to put this ... hesitant, at best, to feel too optimistic about the upcoming campaign.

Deano is simply not ready. Lomas is also not ready but is looking forward to football (and soon enough NBA basketball) to relieve the lameness of the baseball-only sports landscape. Uncle Brother is somewhere in between.

What does this season bode for the Roar? Who the hell knows. Our offense is stacked with A-level skill players and should dominate ... unless the O-line is below average, which is on the table. (Or the O-line could be above average, in which case we're gonna move the ball and put up mucho points.)

How will the new offensive coordinator fare? We have no idea. Dude has been handed the keys to a Bugatti. Does he know how to drive it? We'll see.

All signs point to Hutch taking another step toward total dominance ... But will he get any help on the D line? And how many big plays will the secondary give up? Too many, we fear. Will our injured warriors, Branch and Joseph, make it back in time to make a difference. We hope and pray they will.

Anyhow, lots of ifs, maybes, depends. The Roar's easy schedule + offensive firepower should get us to the playoffs, but we've been Lions fans for too long to feel overly confident about anything.

And, of course, we slip easily into After the Roar, blabbering on for a solid 25 minutes about nothing in particular. Bottom line, it's a new season, and anything is (maybe) possible. Join us, Roar Nation, on another epic journey to the Land of Roar!

Well, here it is: this season's final episode, posted way late, but who gives a fuck?

Yes, the Roar beat the Care Bears in the season's final game--a game we didn't even bother to pod about--but we can all agree that this year was a major letdown.

Apparently, losing an All Pro center and another vet o-lineman, replaced by 2nd stringers and inexperienced rooks ... losing both coordinators ... playing a first place schedule ... again suffering a ton in injuries to the defense ... and a bunch of other shit, was just too much to overcome.

Is there reason to look forward to next year? We'll get guys back on defense, the offense is still loaded at the skill positions ... The o-line? That's the big questions, ain't it?

Anyhow, enjoy the off season, Roar Nation, as much as one can. And even thought we know the Lions will always suck (except occasionally when they don't), keep roaring!

We're back, bitches!

Once again without Deano (still in eretz Yisroel), Uncle Brother and Lomas hold forth.

UB opens with a delightful Roar parody song to the tune of Feelin' Groovy by, who else, Simon and Roarfunkle!

Lomas recounts watching the game with Little Stevie Mendelson at a Roaraholics bar in Ferndale. Highly recommended!

We both admit that, given this topsy turvy season, we apparently know very little about football. Nothing makes sense.

We marvel at the difference a week can make. Where last week the Lions sucks donkey balls on both sides of the ball, this week they looked like the juggernaut we've come to know and love.

It was a true pleasure seeing the D get after Prescock and sack him four times. It was equally pleasing to behold the offense once again look like a well-oiled machine.

We note that Dan Skipper is an unusually large man and reported in as eligible approximately 74 times during the 3rd quarter alone. Jared actually tossed him a pass, which the big lummox dropped.

Bottom line, it was fucking good to get a win.

Next up: the goddamn Lambs on the goddamn road! Who despite losing last week are balling out and arguably the best team in the league. A win, however unlikely, would obviously be huge.

We conduct a two-part roar that really explores the studio space.

And we venture into After the Roar without a plan and end up having a fascinating discussion about Afros vs. Jewfros.

Keep roaring, Roar Nation!

Another Thanksgiving day loss.

To the fucking Pecklers.

At home.

The season seems kinda lost, doesn't it?

That's what Uncle Brother and Lomas discuss, minus Deano, who's in the Holy Land with Lady Deano, aka Stargazer.

What can we say? Jared was nearly flawless. Jamo had a huge game. The running game was OK. Yet the poor People Mover is still operating at around 63%, severely limiting how high and far the offense can fly. Where have you gone, Frank Ragnow, Roar Nation turns its lonely eyes to you!

The D, meanwhile, gave up 4 passing TDs and got barely any pressure on J. Love. Like, no pressure. Guy had all day back there, all kinds of time. Nothing but time.

And so ... We're left, as always, wondering why we care so damn much. And lament the fact that the Roar MUST always play on Thanksgiving, guaranteeing that the holiday will suck, at least football-wise.

And next we're on to the Cockboys, who've been playing well and have back to back wins over last year's Superbowl contestants. What could go wrong?

We're still roaring, Roar Nation. But barely.

What can we say?

Deano and Lomas pod together from the D suburbs. Uncle Bruv watched only the last moments of the game plus overtime.

And we agree that while a win is always good, the Roar look to be in serious trouble on both sides of the ball.

Sun God continues to drop passes.

Jared is very shakey under pressure

The People Mover is not what it once was.

The D line got very little pressure (although Hutch did end the game with a sack and had a bunch of QB hits, apparently).

The secondary left guys WIDE open.

The lone bright spot, of course, was Sonic, a one-man ROAR who has officially become one of the most explosive guys in the league. Maybe the MOST explosive.

The other lone bright spot was Master Bates nailing a 59-yarder to send the game into overtime.

Bottom line, we were supposed to demolish the Giant Donkey Balls, but for most of the game it felt like SOL.

The Roar still have not lost twice in a row since they started winning ... But things seem headed in the wrong direction.

At least the Pistons are kicking ass!

Anyhow, here's hoping the Lions find a way to beat the Pecklers on Roargiving (or ThanksGibbsing, if you please), so as to not ruin the holiday.

Roar?

The Roargasm crew is back in full force to mourn the Lion's pathetic showing against the Sheaguls.

Was this just one of those games on the road against the best D in the league? Or did it expose the Roar as a very good but not great team that can't really compete against elite defenses?

The Sheaguls D did not sleep on Jared. Instead, they pressured him all game and knocked him around, resulting in J's worst performance in the DC winning era.

D.C.'s game-calling magic sputtered, going 0-5 on 4th down conversions.

The fake punt went nowhere.

The PA call against the Roar at the end was total nonsense

A few silver linings:

--The Lions D played well (although the Sheaguls offense looked weak)

--No team looks totally dominant right now

--There's still time to figure shit out

--Uncle Brother busted out a beautiful song parody, digging deep into the Simon and Roarfunkle songbook

--Jamo was a good boy and gave the goalpost a nice hug

We're at home next week against the Giant Donkey Balls, and we fully expect the Roar to take our their frustration and run up the score. Here's hoping.

Stay strong, roar nation. Never stop roaring!