The Roargasm: A Detroit Lions Podcast

In this episode ...

I mean, what's there left to say? The Roar did what they were supposed to do: beat the absolute shit out of one of the worst teams in the league.

Jared returned to his MVP-level ways, pitching a pretty much perfect game.

The People Mover moved people.

Knuckles and Sonic did their thing.

Sun God shined forth.

Jamo was Jamo.

Branch laid wood.

Za'Darius got .5 of a sack!

We most likely got Doug Pederson fired.

Good times!

Other stuff:

Deano records lying down in bed, making him look a little bit like the guy in "The Whale."

We spend a good chunk of the episode running down our list of silly, pejorative names for other teams, cracking ourselves up along the way.

We three-part roar with confidence like the grizzled vets we are.

And we'll see all you unrepentant roaraholics next week, when Lomas will be in person to witness the Roar embarrass the Dolts in their own dome.

Roar!

And with two 50+ yard field goals, Master Jake Bates has kicked himself into the Lions Kicking Circle of Fame, joining Eddy Murray and Jason Hanson (and probably also Matt Tater) as part of the proud lineage of superlative roaring kickers.

Seriously, Master Bates was incredibly clutch, painting the upright on a 52-yard game-winning boot.

This was easily the Roar's toughest win.

Jared threw 5(!) picks, although only two were legit, and even those seemed like miscommunication instead of sucky throws.

The People Mover stopped moving.

CJ Stroud and co. put up 23 in the first half.

But our D roared back, shutting those fuckers out in the 2nd half. And The People Mover started moving, and Jared found a little rhythm.

And we fucking won, despite everything!

Next week we're at home for a Jagoffuars feast. We should demolish those losers.

Let's keep winning, baby! ROAR!

On the road at Lambeau. In the pouring rain. Against a really good (or so we thought) Pecklers squad with a hotshot QB and sturdy Oline. Without our best defender for most of the game.

And guess what? It didn't fucking matter. The Roar did their thing, the Pecklers folded, and we're along atop the division at 7-1. ROAR!

In this diabolical episode, we celebrate what's become routine for the Lions: winning every which way, no matter the circumstances and no matter the opponent.

We Marvel at yet another spectacular Jared performance.

We honor the People Mover and the Gibbs-Montgomery onslaught.

We revel in Jordan Love fumbling approximately 532 snaps.

And, for some reason, we spend long chunks of the pod assuming the characters of New York Jewish mothers with raspy voices.

We make predictions for next week, once again on the road, against the Texans--a name so lame we haven't even really bothered to come up with a stupid nickname.

Be sure to listen to "After the Roar" for more nonsense.

ROAR!

Cue the sitar music and backwards guitars solo.

This game was a weird, glorious, pyschedelic experience.

Jared had around 80 yard passing.

The Titans rolled up 416 yards of offense and ran 71 plays to the Roar's 47.

Final score? Lions 52, Titans 14 of course!

What the fuck?

We marvel at the statistical oddities of this strange game.

Jared continues to ball out, going 12/15 for 85 yards and 3 TDs, which seems impossible.

Gibbs does his best Sonic impression.

Kind David tosses a TD pass!

The D gave up big plays and lots of yards but still held the hapless Titans to 14 points.

Anyhow, it's on to Green Bay, for the biggest game of the season so far against the Peckers, who also won this week. We hate the Peckers and hate that they've enjoyed stellar QB play for the past 73 years and are good. We want to destroy them. And we shall.

ROAR!

Man, are we in a good mood! The Roar roared a mighty roar and were simply the better team against the Viqueens. Who, to be fair, also played well. The Queens are good! But we're fucking better! For the first time ever in our roaraholic lifetimes, we can claim with absolute confidence that the Lions are better than most teams we play. Mindblowing.

We just can't say enough in this episode about how well the Roar are playing. Jared is on an absolute tear. It's a shock when he throws an incompletion. Gibbs was electric. Sun God was Sun God. And the D held their ground when it mattered most. Brian. Fucking. Branch. Right?

Bottom line, being able to march into that loud-ass dome and win against an undefeated squad with a really good defense and the best receiver in football is fucking awesome.

We roar on to next week against the Titans, who are so bad, we're not even really trying to come up with a cock-themed nickname.

Roar with pride, Roar Nation! Roar as One!

Let's start with the bitter.

An otherwise smashing victory was marred by Hutch breaking his fucking leg while sacking Dak. That was horrible and a devastating loss. We wish him a speedy recovery and a full return to destroying opposing QBs.

Now for the sweet!

The Roar put on an offensive display for the ages, absolutely stomping the Cockboys on their own field. Where to begin? Perhaps with the double reverse flea flicker 50-yard TD to LaPorta? Or maybe you prefer Jared's bomb to a streaking Jamo for a spectacular TD. Then there was the called-back lateral to Penei for an almost TD. (Bullshit call, of course). And, as always, we were once again treated to a two-headed monster of a running attack that absolutely demoralized the Cockboys and left them with no hope.

This was Ben Johnson's game, a true masterpiece of smashmouth combined with trickeration. We loved all of it (minus the Hutch injury, obviously): every 7-yard run; every wide open completion; every shot of Mike McCarthy staring into the middle distance like Lion's coaches of yore.

Now it's on to meet the Viqueens and their really fucking good defense. In Brad and DC we trust. Roar.

ROAR!

In this episode we celebrate the Lion's long-awaited offensive explosion.

We begin with a reading from a newly deciphered chapter of The Book of Jared.

We honor David Monty's incredible 40 yard scamper.

We marvel at Sun God's "Philly Special" TD toss to Jared.

We speak in awed terms of Jamo taking a simple crossing route pass and turning it into an epic TD.

And of course we fall to our knees in disbelief at Jared's perfect, 18/18 performance.

In short, we're pretty fucking psyched that the Roar marched forward down the field with ease and did so with such style and swagger.

But Deano, in particular, is kinda bothered by the fact that the Cocks also marched all around the field, meeting little resistance from our still-a-work-in-progress D.

But generally, we're happy to head into the bye week coming off a big win, and look forward to fucking up the Cowgirls/Cockboys in a couple of weeks.

Until then, Shanah Roarah to one and all.

Roar!

The Roargasm crew breaks down the Lions impressive road win over the Fartinals.

First, Deano improvises a new tune, called "Lady Lomas," that has a lot of potential.

Back to the game ... The good:

The Lions win on the road against a squad that won big the week before.

The Roar defense was great overall.

The Lions offense finally clicked during the first half, looking like the high flying unit we've come to know and love.

The not so good:

--The offense bogged down in the 2nd half, although we suspect the run-heavy game plan had something to do with that

--Arnold continues to rack up PI penalties

--We have 9 damn penalties, which pretty much kept the Farts in the game

But it's a road win, so we'll gladly take it. On to next week, against the Seacocks, who've given us trouble in the past. Join us in hoping for a roaring victory against the 3-0 Cocks, who are probably not as good as their record suggests.

Roar.

It truly sucks when your team loses a game they coulda/shoulda won, even though they kinda sucked mid-sized donkey balls, doesn't it?

The Roargasm crew is appropriately subdued after a disappointing loss at home to the Fucaneers, who were missing approximately 98% of their starters in the secondary.

We're mostly concerned that the offense hasn't really clicked yet. Has anyone seen Sam LaPorta? Jared, meanwhile, had to wash the taste of donkey balls from his mouth after the game. What's with the missed throws and horrible interceptions? Something's off. We shall consult the Book of Jared for wisdom and comfort.

But unlike in Lions seasons past, BDC (Before Dan Campbell), we're not panicking and declaring the season over. It's just one game, people.

A few bright spots:

Hutch went ballistic with 4.5 sacks. Dude was unstoppable.

Sun God bounced back with 10+ catches for 100+ yards.

Jamo had another pretty good game (although he disappeared for long stretches).

Jack Fox delivered a strike for a first down on a glorious fake punt!

DC gave another magnificent halftime interview, digging deep and owning his mistake at the end of the first half.

Speaking of which, that was a game-changing fuck up. DC is only human, folks. We still love the guy, of course.

Anyhow, on to Arizona next week, to face a Fartinals teams that blew out the Rams today. Oy. It's a good thing the Lions are built for this shit. 'Cause we're not sure we are.

Roar.

Welp, game 1 is in the books, and thanks to the ghost of Bobby Layne it's a W for the Roar.

In this episode:

--We share our game watching experiences

--Uncle Brother shares a bed with a fellow roaraholic

--Deano, having survived the Ford Field frenzy, looks like crap and is barely conscious

--We marvel at how cool it is to have a smash mouth running attack, especially late in games

--We also marvel at Matty Staff, who looked better than ever and could not be stopped

--We wonder what the hell was going on with Sun God and Laporta, who did virtually nothing the entire game

--We applaud Jared's epic, 7-yard scamper for a crucial 1st down

--We love DC more than ever, after his impassioned halftime interview

--We are fucking pumped about the Jamo outburst!

--We're exhausted and wonder if we'll be able to hold up physically and mentally for the entire season.

--We end, as always, with a melodious 3-part harmonized Roar ... With Deano starting out in the deep end! Uncle Brother following with a note high enough in the register to force Lomas to go falsetto.

In short: It wasn't pretty, but it's a W, and we'll gladly take it.

Until next time,

Roar.