The Sensualist Podcast

Steve and I discuss what options people have when they are sexually mismatched -- after defining what that means. 

Resources

Book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

www.BettyMartin.org/videos

https://www.reddit.com/r/karezza/

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This evening's talk is inspired by conversations with girlfriends in the dating world: a common situation is after a brief period of dating, a text will come in with a request to " do anal and swallow"

I want to address two parts of it, why sending a text with a request for that early in a relationship without any discussion is a RED FLAG

--porn mindset and how Steve and I disagree on this! 

--how to approach sexual discussion with specific requests for acts instead

--how to ask for things which are out of someone's comfort zone.  How to approach things which are out of YOUR comfort zone that your partner wants.

--How a healthy dynamic inspires willingness vs. compliance, and avoiding pressuring your partner or triggering issues from past sexual trauma

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Inviting intimacy, or as Freja puts it -- how to ask for sex without being a douche. 

Steve and I talk about common obstacles to initiating/inviting sex, particularly in a changing environment where people are afraid to ask for what they want. 

We talk about

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Steve and I are happy to hear from you by posting your comments here or writing to us at [email protected]

Freja here:   Steve and I wanted to open a dialogue and INVITE you to share with us your own stories of sexual connection. What are some of the reasons you have, or have HAD sex in the past that are not just be because you're trying to alleviate libido or strong desire, which is what we tend to imagine is the reason for doing it.

What we find upon examining things deeper is that sexual desire is actually a far smaller player than many of the other factors and reasons for doing it.

Why is this important? SO MUCH of our lives and happiness is consumed with sexuality. Trying to get it, wanting more or less than a partner... and the wheres, the whys and the how.... and so much of our suffering is due to placing conditions on sexual activity. Early on in relationships we're often happy to be delusional, later on we start to become critical. "I want sex, but I only want it with one person, and I want that one person to find me irresistibly sexy and to desire me so much that they just can't help themselves, and are already aroused when we begin." "I want a certain kind of sex because that kind of sex makes me believe I am still desirable, when I look in the mirror and suspect I'm not" "I want it a certain number of times per week and will get very unpleasant if it falls short of that" "I want this activity and that activity and for it to look a certain way"

Furthermore, there can be darker dynamics of coercion and manipulation. Are you demanding sex from someone because you want to feel okay? Are you saying yes to sex just to shut someone up, or to avoid negative repercussions or abuse?

I would love to hear your stories, you can write in to us at [email protected] or send in an mp3 of your story or drop a message here: https://anchor.fm/frejasteve/message

I for one know that I had a tremendous amount of sex in my 20s that I did not want, because I feared the repercussions of saying no and will share some stories, as well as some RECENT stories of what happens when someone feels rejected, there can be very real consequences to saying no to unwanted advances.

The point of these stories is to invite more self awareness and ultimately, the chance to feel better, communicate better and have more authentic relating. We love sex, and are prosex, pro kink and pro consent.

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If "Romanticism"  or Romantic thinking is harmful to relationships, and most of us are on a spectrum of this type of thinking/projection/fantasy, what are some alternatives for the single or partnered person?   What are some healthier ways to approach dating or your partner in a relationship, and how to avoid the disappointment when the other does not meet expectations? 

-What about Soul Mates? 

-What about feeling lonely within a relationship? 

-What about the idea that if you fix the relationship, better sex will follow? 

Steve and Freja converse on these subjects and would love to hear YOUR thoughts on an ongoing and exploratory conversation series. 

RESOURCES

https://www.hgi.org.uk/human-givens/introduction/what-are-human-givens

https://www.meetup.com/

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=alain+de+botton  - a teacher mentioned

https://www.facebook.com/groups/793115204193690/ - a facebook group mentioned as a phenomenal resource for relationship discussion

Romanticism with a capital "R"     There is a lot of talk of love and romance and it's time to define the elephant completely hiding in the room.