On October 31, 2018, at 22 years old, I accidentally my ancestors for the first time in my life.

As someone who did not grow up in a tradition or culture of ancestral reverence, I had no idea how to connect with the people in my lineage who had passed over to the other side. For me, there was no guidebook, no ceremony, no ritual, and no path to follow when it came to contacting the dead and, on a subconscious level, I believed that I had been abandoned by them.

However, in the moment that I needed them the most, the spirits of all of my female ancestors arrived in order to help me leave my five year long abusive relationship. They held me in their collective arms, whispered their stories into my ear, and suffused their eternal love and strength deep into my bones. Two days later, with the knowing that I carried the power and teachings of my ancestors inside of me, I was finally able to leave the relationship, once and for all.

Thus began my understanding of what my role truly was in my lineage, what I had chosen and been chosen for in this life, what my path was meant to look like moving forward. I started to see the fabric of my life in the weaving of my family’s long and complex tapestry. I stepped into the responsibility and reverence that is required of me in order to walk a path as a respectful descendant and a loving future elder.

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In this extended episode I speak about the impact of pornography, casual sex, hook-up culture, and the lack of weight, value, and reverence that we offer to our sexual experiences in our modern culture.

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PART TWO

What does the body remember and how does it attempt to communicate to us? How trustworthy are our memories and how sure can we ever be of “the truth”? What impact does childhood sexual abuse have on an individual, a family constellation, a community, and a culture? How do we find our way to peace, trust, acceptance, forgiveness, and love once more?

These are the questions that I have been asking myself over the years in my process of unraveling the layers upon layers of damaging sexual experiences that I have been through in my life. These are the uncomfortable, painful, healing, and, ultimately, freeing explorations that I have immersed myself in. This is the deep ancestral cleaning that I have taken on for my lineage. This is one large part of the work that I have come into this lifetime to do.

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What does the body remember and how does it attempt to communicate to us? How trustworthy are our memories and how sure can we ever be of “the truth”? What impact does childhood sexual abuse have on an individual, a family constellation, a community, and a culture? How do we find our way to peace, trust, acceptance, forgiveness, and love once more?

These are the questions that I have been asking myself over the years in my process of unraveling the layers upon layers of damaging sexual experiences that I have been through in my life. These are the uncomfortable, painful, healing, and, ultimately, freeing explorations that I have immersed myself in. This is the deep ancestral cleaning that I have taken on for my lineage. This is one large part of the work that I have come into this lifetime to do.

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In this extended episode I talk about the differences that I’ve noticed in how Europeans and White Americans relate to our ancestors. I also share some suggestions for how White people of European descent can begin and/or deeper their relationship with their ancestors and open themselves up to the beautiful, intricate, challenging, and healing complexities of their lineage. 

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For the majority of my life I had an extremely fractured relationship with my ancestors. As a White American of European descent, I was cloaked in the guilt and shame that came with the reality of knowing that my ancestors had enslaved and committed genocide against entire continents of people. Thus, in my attempt to make things right, I did all that I could to learn about white privilege, white fragility, white woman tears, reparations, land back, wealth redistribution, police and prison abolition, the construction of race, and so on—all the while, distancing myself as much as possible from my European ancestors that I believed were to blame for all of the violence and trauma that we are all still experiencing on a global level today.

The shame of my Whiteness and the hatred that I felt towards my ancestors left me entirely disconnected from the full complexity of their lived experiences. It stripped them of their humanity and denied all of the gifts, blessings, and teachings that they had to offer me. More than anything, it erased their histories of having been colonized, oppressed, enslaved, and ripped from their European indigineity long before they, themselves, became the colonizers, oppressors, and slave traders/owners that they eventually became. Thus, in rejecting the multi-layered reality of their stories, I, too, robbed myself of the ability to understand how my ancestors’ pain and suffering transformed them and laid the groundwork for the invention of Whiteness that has occurred over the past 500 years.

It has taken me years to find compassion and forgiveness for my ancestors. It has taken me years to fully embrace and accept the rich and colorful offerings that they have been holding out to me. It has taken me years to learn how to honor the sacredness of their native languages, ancestral foods and medicines, shamanic healing lineages, warrior codes, folk songs and stories, and connections to the land of their original territories. Above all, it has taken me years to open up enough space in my heart to hold the 2,000 years of suffering, pain, and trauma that they lived as people who have an intimate familiarity with both sides of the colonized/colonizer experience. Thus, in opening the door for deeper relationship and understanding, I have begun the process of allowing my ancestors to heal through me as a child of their lineage who is ready and willing to truly know who they were, what they lost, and what prayers they have been holding for their descendants.

MENTIONED:

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In this extended episode I share about a few different stories:

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I searched for a medicine woman for many, many years. A female elder who could guide me and orient me on my path. A healer, a teacher, a mentor who I could come to for advice and instruction. However, in my ignorance and arrogance, I was initially unable to truly recognize the medicine woman in front of me when she finally crossed my path.

Abuela María was the purest embodiment of a true medicine woman: a grandmother, an elder, a matriarch of her people. She was sharp. She had ruthless boundaries. Her demeanor was no nonsense. Her work ethic and discipline were incomparable. The abuela walked with the power of her ancestors in every step, weaving her love and care into everything that she touched with her ancient hands. She was unwavering in the support and leadership that she offered to her people alongside her husband, the Taita, the father. She was the representation of motherhood and elder womanhood. She was the medicine woman.

In the time that I learned with and accompanied Abuela María, I slowly peeled back the layers of liberal feminism that had clouded my vision and taught me to devalue the sacred and undeniable power of women’s medicine. For the work of the medicine woman is expressed through the care work that she provides for her family and her community. The path of the medicine woman is the path of humility, subtlety, and nurturance. The medicine woman walks through the world differently than the medicine man. She carries her power in her womb, in the descendants that she has birthed into the world. For it is in them—her children and her grandchildren—that the beauty and sacredness of her medicine is reflected. The medicine woman walks with the undeniable spiritual power of loving and fertile mother.

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In this extended episode I share a handful of stories about abuelos life, his work as a médico tradicional, his role as a defender of his territory, and a very special day that we shared together on his porch. 

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I was 25 years old when I first met Abuelo Querubín. It was a hot jungle evening in early March and he was relaxing on his porch, surrounded by his students, companions, and patients. Shyly, I presented him with the offerings that I had brought and did my best to introduce myself in my embarrassingly poor Spanish. What I know now that I did not know then was that this 108 year old man would very quickly become one of the most important people in my life. 

Throughout my 27th year I had the life changing opportunity to live with and accompany the abuelo through his dying process. I sat by his side, listened to his stories, and cared for him as if he were my own dying grandfather. His death was, truly, one of the most devastating experiences of my life and, yet, his teachings continue to unfold and deepen in my heart as time moves forward. His memory lives on in his children and his descendants. His legacy is stamped into his ancestral territory, the land that he defended and protected for the 110 years of his long and powerful life. 

This is the story of my time learning with and accompanying Abuelo Querubín—leader of his people, yagecero, curandero, curaca, sanador, el tigre de la selva, hijo de la floresta, padre de todos, everyone’s father. This is the story of the days that we spent together, the medicine that he shared, the example that he offered. This is my story of the abuelo. 

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE ABUELO

The abuelo speaking at the House of Lords

A short documentary about the abuelo

Recordings of abuelo's ceremonial music

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