The Social Skills Doctor Podcast

Imagine for a moment, life without awkward silences or stilted conversations because you didn't know what to say. Imagine instead dates and dinner parties where the conversation flows like the wine. In fact, imagine starting a conversation anywhere from work with colleagues, to a party or networking event, and you just know how to make it work.

Welcome to a new podcast episode from the social skills doctor with me Richard gray where we will be going to the holy grail every shy or socially challenged person has been looking for since the dawn of the human race when our survival depended on connecting and being part of a tribe – the bestowment of a near instant 500% increase in social intelligence and skills through the medium of some very unique conversation cards.

In modern society we don't need to connect with others and have friend networks to survive. We can go to work, do our thing, stop at the supermarket on the way home and buy dinner for one. Rince and repeat. But it can be a cold and souless life to be caught up in such a spiral, lurking in the shadows while others bathe in the warmth of human connection and friendship.

What does this have to do with conversation cards?

Until now, conversation cards have played no part in helping the socially shy and communication challenged person to become an accomplished conversationalist. What they HAVE been good at is enhancing social interactions by providing thought-provoking questions, prompts, or topics designed to spark fun or engaging discussions.

But thats as far as it went - until now...

 

Essential Features Of Conversation Cards

For those of you who may not have tried conversation cards before, lets do a quick breakdown of their benefits:

1. Breaking the Ice: Initiating conversations can sometimes feel awkward or challenging, especially when meeting new people or in unfamiliar situations. Conversation starter cards can provide an easy way to break the ice and begin interesting discussions.
2. Creating Connections: These are built through discovering shared experiences and mutual interests. Conversation cards can act like a springboard to finding these connection points through questions that encourage participants to open up with information, personal anecdotes, opinions, beliefs and values.
3. Encouraging Active Listening: In today's seven second society, active listening has become increasingly rare. Conversation cards encourage the return of this skill through the unspoken contract of one person asking a question and then giving the respect of listening while the other person answers.
4. Adding Fun and Laughter: Organising a dinner party or date night etc. can cause anxiety. What if the conversation is awkward or stilted? Alcohol has long been used as a social lubricant but conversation starter cards can be equally as effective in providing a safety net of entertaining or thought-provoking talking points.

This all sounds very nice right? Having fun, learning things about the other person, and enjoying being listened to. Not having to worry about an awkward silence because you can just pull out the next card. But what if you're not a natural conversationalist? A question can get an interaction started but after that you're on your own.

The cards cannot instill you with the ability to know exactly what to say next after the other person has finished answering. The art of knowing what to say or ask next comes through identifying the most relevant words the other person is using, and what conversational level they have gone to with their answer.

But what if such conversation cards did exist that had been designed to train you in the art of keeping the conversation going, and meeting the other person on their wavelength so that connections were much more likely to occur? 

 

An Evolutionary Leap In Conversation Starter Cards

We have discussed the benefits of conversation cards, but there are also a few essential features that all cards should have, then there is a a feature you never knew you needed, that only conversation craft cards have. Together these features will guarantee you have a set of cards that can replace every social skills book ever published.

Feature 1 - diverse topics. A good set of conversation cards will cover a wide range of subjects. With conversation craft cards there are one hundred questions covering the ten most common topics that come up in nearly all conversations.
 
 Feature 2 - thought provoking. It should be a fundemental feature of any conversation cards that the questions are not only diverse, but fire the imagination. For example, you could ask someone how well they get on with their siblings. Or! you could ask what they would do to their siblings given total anonymity and access to a cloak of invisibility.
 
 My imagination is running riot even as I think about that question. It may just be time to take my brain for some therapy, anyway, moving quickly on...
 
 Feature 3 - player numbers. Thats an odd feature to highlight I hear you say. Surely youy need two or more people to play? Not with conversation craft cards. Because there is a much deeper strategy involved that means you can simply memorise a few of your favourite questions then ask them to anyone without anyone knowing you are playing a bigger game.

The forth feature is the one that will really blow your mind because it achieves far more effectively, and in a fraction of the time, what hundreds of social skills books have attempted and often failed to do. That feature is social intelligence, and the benefit of it is massively increased social skills. This feature and benefit is unique to conversation craft.

How to Play Conversation Craft

In general there are five conversational levels, and it's vital to know these levels if you want to develop higher social intelligence and deliberately connect with others. These levels are:
 
 1. The surface level

2. The information level

3. The opinions level

4. The feelings level

5. The relationship level
 
 You could make an argument for more levels if you liked, but its not necessary for developing your conversation skills and connecting with others like a champion. Lets now do a fast and dirty overview of these levels using our previous sibling example question. 

If the other person were to tell you what they would do to their sibling then they are at the information level. If they are telling you the best way to do what they would do, then they are at the opinions level. If they are telling you how good it would make them feel to do what they would do, then they are going to the feelings level.
 
 Now imagine they are at the feelings level but you are responding at the surface or information level. Subconsciously they would probably feel like they weren't really clicking with you. At a conscious level they may have thoughts that you are holding back, while they are being free with their opinions and feelings. 

You may never have been aware of this communication mismatch before but you can bet they are not feeling relaxed with you. They don't feel relaxed because trust isn't being established through mutual sharing. You may still make a friend if you have shared interests, but until you start talking at the same level, it will never become a strong friendship or more.
 
 This is such an easy problem to overcome with the conversation craft cards because they highlight what level each question is on and train you to think in terms of matching, and advancing the conversation to the next level. With some repeated use of the cards you will quickly develop muscle memory for the levels and become a much higher level conversationalist as a result.
 
 Now thats something no other conversation cards can do for you, and because of this unique training dimension, conversation craft are also the only cards that can be used as a single player - should you not wish the other person to know you are discreetly developing your social skills.

Getting the Most Out of Your Conversation Cards

To truly make the most out of your conversation cards, it's important to approach their use with flexibility and adaptability. Here are some tips on how to maximize their effectiveness:

• Stay flexible: While conversation starter cards provide a great springboard for discussions, the thrill of the ride can be the unexpected directions that conversation may flow in. Allow room for spontaneity or use the training provided to guide the other person through the levels.
• Encourage everyone to join in: Perhaps one of the more important, yet underated, aspects of using conversation starter cards is that nobody dominates and nobody is left in the shadows. Many of the conversation craft questions are hypothetical and light in tone, ensuring nobody is put on the spot or made to feel awkward.
• Start connecting: Conversation starter cards are designed to keep conversations flowing, fun, a little bit revealing, and awkward silence free. But with the powerful combination of your active listening, and conversation crafts levels training, you will benefit from a new super power to make connections on first dates, or with anyone you like.

The conversation craft cards are designed to be the facilitators of human connection, but it is the simple yet powerful conversation levels awareness they develop, and instil in your mind that will enable you to spread your social wings and unleash the conversational potential of each card once the question has been asked.

Thanks for listening, and until next time do one thing this week to develop your social skills such as going to the social skills doctor dot com website to learn more about the conversation craft cards, take care and bye for now.

The Three Golden Elements of a Boss Conversationalist That Anyone Can Learn

Imagine, with just three shifts to your conversation game and you could increase your presence and conversation mastery by 90%. That’s not fantasy, empty air, or a promise only for those that can already talk – In fact, if you can talk, then you probably need to hear this the most…

Welcome to a new episode from the social skills doctor with me, Richard gray, where we will be covering the three golden elements of a conversation. Unless you actively desire to ex-communicate yourself from society and live off grid, then there can be no doubt about the benefits of being able to communicate at a good level with your fellow humans.

The higher the level of communication you can operate at, the more abundant will be the opportunities that fall to you in the form of better relationships, career advancement, and financial security. There really is everything to play for, and time is not waiting around, so lets begin the journey today...

Understanding the Art of Conversation

Conversations are not just about talking; they are an art form that can enhance both your personal and professional life. But wait!!! If it's an art form, don't you have to possess at least some natural talent for it? 

Sure you do... and you DO. As a baby did you not have a natural talent for persuading adults to feed you, entertain you, and love you?

There's no question you could and can communicate, but if that talent got supressed or starved of development on your journey through childhood, that doesn't mean it doesn't still exist within you.

Understanding the Difference Between Talking and Conversing

Many people mistake talking for conversing, and while talking involves expressing thoughts and sharing information, conversing goes to the next level with active engagement. The real difference between the two is where your attention lies.

You might think of it like a scale of one to ten. A person occupying number one on this scale will be someone who talks with little awareness of whether the other person is engaged and wants to hear their latest monologue. When they are not speaking their attention is mostly in their head, waiting to get out their next anecdote or amazing insights.

A person at ten on the scale while talking, will be aware of the other persons body language, whether they are interested and following along, or whether they have entered waiting mode and want to start speaking themselves. When the other person is speaking, our ten will have their attention fully on what they are saying, and not in their own head. 

The Three Key Tips to Become a Better Conversationalist

In order to reawaken your natural gift for conversing, and elevating yourself to a higher level conversationalist, all you need do is increase your numbers on the three key elements that make up a good conversationalist.

1. Active listening

This is the number one key element and tip for becoming a great conversationalist and means giving your full attention to the speaker without interruption, or thinking about what you will say next. 

Yet because there can be so much noise and thought distraction in our own heads, many people cannot stay focused long enough to actively listen. This means if you can master this key element, your conversational game will leapfrog most people around you.

If you have any doubts about this lets consider it in terms of a metaphor...

If a conversation were a game of tennis, then being trapped in your own head thinking about your response, instead of listening, would be like playing blindfolded. However, when you can play using active listening, you see the ball coming, from which angle, and at what speed.

The point of this metaphor is to illustrate that active listening equips you with more information to help you craft a successful return. But that's only half the story...

What if you are playing with active listening but the other person isn't? It can get frustrating right? The other person is not really listening, they are distracted, or they cannot stop themselves talking before you have finished. It can make you feel disrespected and invisible.

Alas, you cannot point this out, at least not without putting the other person on the defensive and creating another barrier. So what can you do? Control your emotions and don't be tempted to descend to a lower communication level to match them. Set an example and eventually they will raise themselves to your level.

2. Questions questions questions

Don't take this to mean you should be interrogating the other person with a flood of questions, what I’m saying in my own delightfully abstract way is that there are three different types of question. 

1. The closed question that needs only one or two words to answer. It's an ice-breaker that can be used to test the waters with another person and determine if they are open to talking more. You can use their body language, their tone of voice, and the words they choose, to reach your conclusions on this.
2. The open question. This needs a fuller response such as giving some information or thoughts in order to answer the question. Some will not want to answer but may be too polite to say so, in which case you may get a politician style response that doesn't answer the question. 
3. The story question. This should get the longest response because to answer this question they need to tell a story. An example of this would be if you asked someone to tell you how something began, such as a career path, a hobby, playing a musical instrument etc. 

If you have nailed your active listening, the right type of question to ask, and in relation to what, should automatically reveal itself. For instance, the other person tells you they enjoy painting. You can now choose to go to an open question and find out what type of painting, or a story question to find out how they got into painting in the first place.

Of course, questions go both ways, and make no mistake, there is just as much (if not more) art to answering questions as there is to asking. Consider how you currently answer a question with the following example...

The question is a straight forward 'where are you from?' How would you answer? You have probably already identified this as a closed question that a one word reply will satisfy. But what can the other person do with that answer if they are not familiar with your place? Unless they push you for further information then the line of conversation is as closed as the question itself.

Now what if you answered the question with some extra kindling information such as a few facts about the place? Is your place well-known for something? Are there any famous people from there? You get my point?

By adding some extra info to your answer, you become more interesting and you make it a lot easier for the other person to find their response. Imagine that? Talking to you is now becoming easy, and people like easy :)

3. Self-Congruence

What does this mean exactly? Well in our previous conversation example we considered how to respond to a simple question like 'Where are you from?' The act of adding extra information to your response gave the other person more options in how to keep the topic going.

But wait! you cannot know in advance what questions might get thrown at you right? So how can you always respond with extra information? This is where self-congruence comes in. Nearly any casual conversation will revolve around ten common topics, so if you know yourself well in these ten topic areas then it becomes easy to add an extra sprinkle of colour to any answer.

What form might this extra kindling information take? It was easy with places because all we need to know is a few facts about our home town, or country if you are abroad. But we can expand kindling information to include likes and dislikes, opinions and beliefs, as well as straight up facts. 

Lets put it to the test with another example in the topic category of TV and Movies. What is your favourite movie?

If you have shyness or anxiety, it's entirely possible that in the moment, you may not even be able to think of any movies, let alone which is your favourite. So this conversational area may never come to life if you are not self-congruent, or can't include any kindling to fan the flames of conversation to life.

But again, how would you respond if you knew yourself and could answer? If you were to ask me my favourite movie, I might tell you it's Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, or Highlander, or The Shawshank Redemption. Then I could tell you a few facts about the movie such as who is in it, who sung the movie theme song, or who wrote the movie etc.

Another common conversation topic is food and drink. All you have to do is take a mental journey through the topic and ask yourself questions such as what your favourite food and drinks are, your favourite restaurant, what your speciality dish is for cooking, where you learned to make that dish etc.

An Introduction To Conversation Hurdling

Conversations are like roads, one has potholes, cracks, and road hogs, the other has awkward silences, disagreements, and people who want all the attention.

Like a romcom, a conversation has three hurdles to overcome:

1. How to initiate.
2. How to connect and avoid Awkward silences.
3. How to end.

Initiating a conversation requires three things, confidence, a reason, and an opening. Confidence is self-belief in the knowledge you have qualities that others will be interested in. Then you need a reason or goal for the conversation. Finally, an opening comment or question in order to break the ice.

Connecting with the other person requires being on the same level with them. If you want to know more about this, take a quick listen to last weeks podcast episode 'Develop your social skills with conversation super strategies.

Ending a conversation without appearing rude is a move that most people feel anxious about. So, like initiating, you also need a measure of confidence to end as well. For example:

At a networking event you can simply say, 'well, I’ve enjoyed speaking with you, I’m going to introduce myself to a few more people before the end of the interval.' You have now given a very valid reason to end the conversation.

A final point on endings, whatever you do, DON'T do what a lot of social skills books suggest, and use the excuse you need to go to the loo. This is not the confident thing to say, and as far as exit strategies go, it's about as weak as two-ply toilet paper.

Conclusion

We began by adding element one active listening to our conversation game. The overriding benefit of mastering this is to shift your focal point out from your own head and onto the other person. Now you can find your responses in their words instead of from your own uncompliant mind.

Next we added the questioning element to our game, both in finding the right questions to ask, and also responding in a way that removes the conversational workload from the other person. If you are getting active listening right, then the right question to ask will naturally present itself to you.

Finally, we added element three self-congruence, which is all about knowing yourself and being confident in your thoughts and opinions. 

Thanks for listening and if you want to get deeper with anything you hear in my episodes, please check out the website thesocialskillsdoctor.com and I will looking forward to your company again next week.

why can it sometimes feel like such a daunting task just trying to communicate with our fellow humans? Sounds simple in theory right? You approach another person, you say words and they say words back. Information is exchanged and maybe a connection is formed, then you move on with your day.

So are we over-thinking the whole social skills issue when we should just be getting on with it? Unfortunately not.  Welcome to a new episode and the first of 2024 from the social skills doctor with me Richard gray where we will be diving into social skills development through the lens of conversation strategies and the Legacy of Childhood As we grow up so we each become micro universes complete with our own defence systems. Anybody outside our personal universe must first be filtered through layers of suspicion and caution to determine if they could be in some way toxic to our eco system. New people must be put on trial to prove themselves to us first. Trust must be dispensed with great caution before we let them in and risk our personal information being turned into gossip fodder to fertilise bond-building conversations with others. What the hell happened to us? I mean, we weren't like this as children, we just wanted to join in the game and make friends. Then as time went by we got hurt or betrayed by a friend, role model, or guardian and the first lines of defence went up.
 We were pushed into doing something we didn't want to do like being in a school play or performing in front of our peers in some way, and it went badly. The humiliation sent up another line of defence. People told you bad things about yourself, put you down, excluded, mocked, or bullied you and your brain built another line of defences. Then of course, we learned to model the behaviours of key adults, and if their behaviours were defensive, so another layer of defence was added to our own. Sadly some version of this journey is what most children go through on their way to becoming adults. Defending ourselves against the gossip, bullying, and mockery of our peers who have yet to develop their own ability to empathize. And the mudslinging of adults warped and wounded by their own life experiences and now unwittingly paying it forward to us. Some children will have a smoother ride than others of course, either because they have well adjusted, socially skilled parents and learned by osmosis, or they just figured out how to connect and influence those around them as part of a natural talent. Many children never figure it out and will either stumble their way through childhood attracting the bullying child masses, or they will try to tiptoe through childhood attempting to blend in like a chameleon so the spotlight never falls on them. The Three Personality Types of an Adult
 Is it any wonder that good adult communication can be so hard to achieve when most are carrying a legacy of childhood baggage? The problem is we don't lose the brain programming of childhood, we just internalise it and keep on using them in adulthood. This is true regardless if you were:
 The bully - and now you do it as an adult with words, and perhaps some implied or actual threat thrown in. The bullied - having been beaten down by life you judge everyone as a potential threat. Your defences are so well fortified that others can't get in and your own personality can't get out. The Chameleon - now with a well-oiled defence strategy that has turned you into a people pleasing follower that will join in with the gossip, or do the bidding of the bully in a continued effort to keep that tide of negative attention deflected from you. These three personality types are of course generalised, however, there is at the very least, a kernel of truth in them for each of us, and we must break free of our inner child before we can move forward to greener, more prosperous social pastures. Breaking Free of our Childcuffs
How do we break these invisible childcuffs, the brain programming intended to protect us as children but which has now become our viruses in adulthood? What we need is a jumpstart like a car with a flat battery on a cold morning. Only we don’t need electricity, we need confidence juice. What does a social confidence jumpstart look like? It looks like conversation strategiesbut not like any you've ever known or tried before... Have you ever been the quiet one, the shy one, the one that avoids socialising because you know its going to be a painful experience? In that case you're probably the person that’s also been told by well-meaning friends to just put yourself out there more, speak up more until your confidence grows and you get comfortable speaking.
If you lack social skills due to shyness, social anxiety, or introversion causing lack of practice, then it's simply not that straight forward. After all, would you learn to box just by getting in the ring from a cold start and trying to fight an opponent? No of course not, you and your confidence would take a beating every time. So what do you do? Get some training first. From a cold start, conversations with new people need to be treated with the same mindset because they are unlikely to go well unless you are very familiar with the other person already, or they are intuitively willing to carry the conversation for you. But who really wants to be carried right? Conversation Strategy Training to Develop your Social Skills So lets now take a look at some conversation strategies, understand their purpose, their strengths and weaknesses, and how they can enable you to carry yourself. We will begin with a few standard strategies, then follow up with a conversation super strategy and see how it can change your entire social experience.
The A.R.E Basic Conversation Strategy
A.R.E is an anacronym standing for Anchor, Reveal, and Encourage. Okay so this is a basic introduction structure you can use to get a conversation started when meeting anyone new.Lets begin with the anchor in this slightly tortured anacronym, and it simply means to anchor the conversation with a comment or question based on your immediate environment.
Here are some examples for full clarity:
No matter your environment, there will be something you can comment on to initiate conversation. If you're on public transport there is the crowding, the punctuality of the service, the weather, the cleanliness (or lack of), the view out the window etc.
At weddings, presentations, networking events, there will be the addition of speeches, the content of the speeches, and the person delivering them. At parties and receptions there will be mutual acquaintances, food, music, and the venue.
At a coffee shop there will be cake and coffee selections. The point is that no matter the location there will be something to spark a conversation opener, including some aspect of the other person such as their hair, clothing, or accessories.
And lets park any idea that your opener or your anchor has to be amazingly witty, that’s only for the movies where the main character is armed with lines crafted by a professional team of script writers.
Next up in the A.R.E strategy is Reveal. Unlike Anchor, this one is more self-explanatory in that once you've made an opening comment you reveal something about yourself. This is followed by E for Encouraging the other person to reveal something about themselves in return.
A.R.E example:
You're at a networking event where typically there will be someone giving a presentation. During the interval you speak to another attendee and say... (Anchoring comment) 'The speaker made some really interesting points on the subject.' (Reveal) 'I've read all the books this speaker has published.' (Encourage) 'Are you familiar with his previous works?'
And that is your A.R.E conversation strategy in a nutshell. But your inner voice is probably already voicing the limitations of this strategy because life is not a Disney movie where you get over one hurdle and go straight to living happily ever after.
In a typical story you have three hurdles to overcome. In our example you've now overcome the hurdle of starting a conversation, but that’s where the strategy leaves you high and dry.
If you have some shyness or anxiety, your mind will now be filling up with thoughts about the second and third hurdles of how to continue the conversation and build a good impression, followed by how to end it. Lets look at one more basic conversation strategy before moving on to a super strategy.
The F.O.R.D Conversation Strategy
 Yes you got it, it's another anacronym, this time standing for Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. The point of this strategy is to remind you of four common topics of conversation that you could dive into when struggling to think of something to say. Anacronyms are perhaps the weakest of all memory techniques, which in turn makes this a weak conversation strategy.
Lets riff for a few minutes on the pros and cons of the FORD strategy. Lets begin with the cons - which could be another way of looking at this strategy 🤔
First and perhaps most obvious of the cons is the catch-22 situation. If you are looking to learn a few conversation strategies its probably because you're currently struggling with issues that cause your mind to go blank through shyness, or get hijacked by anxiety thoughts.
In those moments during conversation it's highly unlikely you will rememberwhat FORD stands for - thus the strategy becomes self-defeating
The second major con of the FORD strategy is that, assuming you can remember what it stands for, it does nothing to help you ask and answer questions in such a way as to provoke further and deeper conversation. These skills are where the real power of conversation begins.
To wrap up the FORD strategy with a pro, it's fair to say that some people will find value in its use as a springboard into some different topics, but once it has served its purpose and reminded you of a few different subjects you could steer the conversation into, the strategy will take you no further.
The Ten Topics Conversation Super Strategy
So far we have looked at two basic conversation strategies, now lets look at a super strategy. If you haven't heard of super strategies before, that's because there's only one place you can find them and that’s through the multiversal mind method.
So lets answer the immediate question of how does a conversation super strategy differ from a basic strategy. The answer is that a super strategy will not leave you high and dry once it's served a limited job. It won't abandon you, instead it will stay the distance and keep feeding you throughout the conversation. In the multiversal mind method there are seven of these super strategies, and I’m briefly going to put a spotlight on the first one called: 'Ten Topics in your Pocket'.
Every one of the seven super strategies are unique and support you in different ways dependant on your situation, be that a first date conversation, an interview, or just hanging out with friends. But one common element unites them all and that is grown up, seriously effective memory techniques.
Techniques that the worlds best illusionists use, but with a twist -they have been adapted to work hand in hand with specially created conversation strategies.
I have chosen to highlight the ten topics strategy for you because it is similar in purpose to the FORD strategy, only its bigger, better, and way more effective. Lets do a side by side comparison:
The FORD strategy gives your four topics whereas the ten topics gives you the ten most common topics that consistently come up in any conversation.
The FORD strategy attempts to help you remember four topics using an anacronym. As i introduced you to them a few paragraphs back do you remember what each letter stands for? If not that's ok, that was my point. Here's a quick reminder so your mind doesn't get distracted trying to remember.

• F is for family.
• O is for occupation.
• R is for recreation, and
• D is for dreams.

The ten topics in your pocket strategy ditches anacronyms and instead teaches you to visualise a scene for each topic, then uses the chain-link memory technique to link all ten scenes together.
Woahhh... sounds like a lot of mental work right? but it's easier than it sounds when you're instructed how to do it correctly - and even fun in a jigsaw puzzle kind of way when all the pieces click into place and the bigger picture reveals itself.
Now I invite you to put this mental work into perspective. With an anacronym you can literally forget what it stands for five minutes later. With the ten topics strategy you will be able to effortessly remember all ten topics, five or twenty-five years later.
The point is you will literally have this strategy at your disposal for the rest of your life...
Now finally lets look at the question aspect of these two strategies. The FORD strategy doesn't even consider the construction of a question or an answer, it simply presents you with four topics and washes its hands of you. The ten topics strategy on the other hand teaches you how to ask and answer a question using the concept of kindling.
Unless you have a natural talent for conversation, or you've had some training, you may not know how to ask or answer a question in such a way as to enable the other person to keep the conversation going.
In other words, answering a question using kindling massively increases the chances of developing the conversation into a roaring fire of back and forth information and anecdotal exchanges through which connections are made and friendships born.
Allow me to wrap up with an example to demonstrate what I mean:
Suppose someone asked you where you come from. This is known as a closed question that requires only one or two words to answer, i.e. the name of the town you were born. But how would the other person then be able to keep the conversation going?
Chances are the topic dies out pretty fast and you have to find a new topic to burn through just as quickly. But what if you answered the question with some extra kindling information instead. Lets see...
If you asked me where I came from, or where I was born, I could tell you I was born in the city of Sheffield, it used to be known as the steel city but now it’s known as the garden city because of its two million trees, thirteen city parks, twenty district parks, fifty local parks, botanical gardens, Europe’s largest winter gardens, and it’s also the only city to partly occupy a national park.
The kindling in this response comes in all the additional information I gave you about the city, any of which you, as my conversation partner, could pick up on and use to branch the conversation out with.
So in conclusion, before you take anyone’s advice to just get out there and start speaking up more, get some tools into your mental locker room first, in the form of real and literally unforgettable conversation strategies that will stay with you and continue feeding you throughout your conversations.  Thank you, keep safe, go forth and multiply your social network, and I will look forward to seeing you again on the next episode. Bye for now.

Hi and welcome to a new episode and also to wish you a happy Christmas or happy holidays if you prefer, from the social skills doctor with me Richard gray, where today we will be diving into the issue of getting a blank mind in social settings as well as other settings, and what you can do to prevent it happening.

Very important at this time of year if you’re getting together with family or friends, or inlaws, and I’m sure you have your own ideas as to why its happening, one things for sure -

It can be incredibly frustrating when your brain appears to shut up shop and leave you holding the baby. But have you ever wondered why it’s happening, and at the most inconvenient times?

This blank mind phenomenon is something many people experience from time to time, but if you're shy or get social anxiety then it may be a lot more than a passing inconvenience, and may in fact be a full on blight to your social life and career progression.

Common Triggers for a Blank Mind

A blank mind episode is almost the very essence of self-sabotage as your brain works against your own best interests, turning off the tap when you need to drink, hiding your glass when you’ve just stood up to make a toast, stalling your car when the lights turn green, the point being they only occur at the very moments when you need your mind to step up and play its part like a good team player.

When we are under pressure or facing high levels of stress, our brains can do one of three things. Either they can step up to the plate and handle the situation like champions, they can remember, previous failures and retreat from a repeat, or they can become overwhelmed, leading to mental blocks and difficulty thinking clearly.

Almost anything can be a trigger, from a person, place, object, a sound, even the time of day. Some of the most common being:

• Public Speaking – where many people find themselves dancing with a blank mind when speaking in front of an audience.
• Exams or Tests – where the stress associated with exams can trigger mental blocks when we need to retrieve information instantly.
• Job Interviews – where nerves often lead to mental blocks and difficulty articulating thoughts effectively.
• Social situations – where performance anxiety can cause a blank mind due to heightened self-consciousness and fear of failure.
• A person of authority – such as a high level boss in your company can simply have your mind going into retreat.

The causes of blank mind triggers

When your mind blanks out, it is often due to a temporary disruption in cognitive functioning. When we are under stress or experiencing anxiety, our body releases cortisol - commonly known as the stress hormone. Elevated cortisol levels can interfere with memory retrieval and cognitive processing, leading to these mental blocks. 

Tiredness can also have detrimental effect on cognitive function, including causing your mind to go blank more frequently. Sleep deprivation impairs memory consolidation and attention span, making it harder for your brain to process information effectively.

Information Overload. In today's information driven world filled with endless streams of data, our brains can easily become overloaded with too much information which leads us into mental fatigue resulting in temporary lapses where our minds go blank.

The Mind Hijack. Perhaps you’ve heard it said before, the conscious working mind or the ‘neo-cortex’, can hold about seven pieces of information for about seven seconds at a time. What’s worse is, you have little control over what thoughts, ideas, or pieces of information enter this working memory space, or when they will disappear. Your subconscious is in charge of this process, and it’s vastly bigger and more powerful than your conscious mind.

If your subconscious was an ocean, then your conscious would be a dinghy bobbing on its surface. The situation gets worse. 

Fight of flight. Anxiety in social or spotlight situations can put your mind into a state of fight or flight because its interpreting a threat - not of physical harm but by the idea of being challenged, exposed, judged, mocked or humiliated.

When fight or flight takes over, your brain diverts blood from all non-essential functions of the body to your muscles, preparing them for sudden explosive action - such as flight. One of those non-essential functions is your higher cognitive thinking, which is why you can experience your mind going blank.

Cardiac Coherence. When you’re experiencing stress from being in the spotlight, whether thats in a social setting, standing up in a work meeting, or getting up on stage, your heart begins to race, disrupting your brain function and your ability to think clearly.

The Impact of a Blank Mind on Your Daily Life

If you've been experiencing any of these anxiety responses for long enough that they just feel like a part of your dna makeup and there's little to be done about it, lets begin the fightback because it really doesn't have to be this way. Let's get worked up for a moment about this invisible enemy that has been sabotaging your life at:

Work. A blank mind can hinder your productivity and performance at work. It may make it difficult for you to concentrate on tasks or come up with creative solutions. You may avoid your manager or colleagues because a blank mind during interactions makes you go quiet and feel like you don’t belong.

The knock on effect is missing out on promotions, better pay, a better standard of living, and self-esteem, especially when younger newer employees begin getting promoted over you.

Studies. When studying for exams or working on assignments, a blank mind will short-circuit your ability to recall information, and may cause difficulty in organizing thoughts or formulating coherent arguments. 

For instance, during an exam when faced with a question that requires critical thinking skills and analysis, experiencing a mental block can prevent you from providing well-thought-out answers.

Personal Relationships. Difficulties expressing yourself clearly or engaging with others will affect you at every point of the journey to forming relationships, from approaching someone in the first place, to getting-to-know-you conversations, to socializing with existing friends.

Imagine being on a night out or having dinner with friends and being the quietest one in the group because your mind simply cant get into the flow state and give you conversation game… but maybe you don't need to imagine right?

Strategies to Prevent Your Mind from Going Blank

There are three distinct scenarios where a blank mind might strike, but there are also effective strategies you can use to prevent it. First is the

One to self scenario. This is you engaging in a solo project like writing, studying, or taking a test. Now let's break this down again into solo projects that have an immediate deadline and those that dont. 

If you have some breathing space, then the biggest threat to your mind seizing up and quitting on you is overwhelm. Break your project down into smaller chunks and tackle one bitesize chunk at a time to the exclusion of all others. One step in front of the other without the pressure.

If you have a more immediate deadline such as in a test, then your biggest threat is the sensation of pressure and stress. Before your test, ensure two things.

First - be well revised. This ensures you avoid the anxiety that comes from knowing you didn't prepare properly, and also gives you a sense of confidence in a preperation job well done. 

Second - Be well rested. A tired mind is already half way toward going blank and only needs the extra push of stress an exam can produce, whereas a rested and relaxed mind and body will ensure good circulation and blood flow to your brain. 

One to many scenario. This is you up there speaking to a group or crowd, whether delivering a presentation or speech. As with one to self, it's very important to be well rested and well prepared.

When on stage with many eyes and expectations looking back at you, it's easy to go into flight fight mode. But what that little expression leaves out is the freeze part, making it freeze, flight, fight. But why would you feel threatened enough to enter this mode?

The audience are definitely not hostile to you, they simply want to hear what you have to say, and therein lies your salvation. Always carry with you the knowledge their attention is maybe twenty percent on you and eighty on the content of your words. 

If you know your subject and are well prepared, impostor syndrome should be at a minimum and the pressure of scrutiny should be off thanks to knowing the focus really isn't on you.

One to social scenario. This is you talking to one person or a group. Perhaps the biggest distinction here is that it's no longer you or your mind going out in one direction, but conversation going in both directions.

As with the one to self scenario there are two sub-scenarios:

First is with something to gain - These include interviews and first dates where there is clearly something to be gained from presenting yourself, your knowledge, and your personality in the best light, whether thats a new job or new relationship.

Both of these could change your life profoundly and that kernal of knowledge is what will lead you to self-sabotage if you let it. These scenarios can release a cauldron of performance anxiety, imposter syndrome, and negative self-image issues unless you know yourself well, you know your subject, and you like yourself.

This last one is very important because if you don't like yourself much, have self-esteem issues, inferiority complexes, or see yourself in any other negative light, that will inevitably contribute to the poor performance and functioning of your mind. 

A self-congruent and holistic self image will relax you and keep your mind open. This means having a mind that is not in conflict with itself, a mind that wants one thing but doesn't believe you are worth it. A mind that is being interviewed for a job but doesn't know much about it, or the company. A mind that doesn't know what it wants or who it is.

When you become more comfortable in your own skin, when you find your purpose and gain direction in life, when your mind is playing as a team, the green shoots of confidence in your personal brand show through, and others will recognise them at a subconscious level. 

The second sub-scenario is without something to gain. This simply refers to every other conversation you have in a social setting with people you are comfortable with. But even here you can't always escape the blank mind, something you will know only too well if you are the quietest one in your social group.

Until very recently there has never been a direct solution to the blank mind syndrome striking in the one to social category. Now there is a program that targets this problem directly by using a combination of specifically developed conversation strategies blended with memory techniques.

This program is called the Multiversal Mind Method and once you are familiar with the techniques and you have formatted your mind in the ways instructed, you will forever and from hereon be able to open up your mind like a flower the moment it starts closing. Ensuring you can represent yourself in social settings the way you always wished you could.

And wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing? Thank you for listening, look after yourself wherever you are in the world and I will look forward to catching up with you again in the next episode.

Welcome to a new episode from the social skills doctor with me Richard gray where today we will be taking a dive into communication skills, because these are not just a nice to have - they are an essential to have if you want to enjoy any level of success in both personal and professional settings. For the visual thinkers, think of comm skills as being like the internet 1.0. It is the invisible gosamer web that connects us all at a face to face level.

In personal relationships, good communication is the key to understanding, trust, and intimacy. It allows you to express yourself clearly while also being receptive to others' thoughts and emotions. By communicating effectively with your partner, family members, or friends, you keep these relationships free from assumption and either side being taken for granted.

Professionally, excellent communication skills are the number one atribute desired by employers across all industries. Whether you're high up in a corporate organization or working on the shop floor - being able to articulate ideas clearly is essential for your own progression and that of your company.

The Downfall of Companies

Have you ever been frustrated with a company you are dealing with or buying from, and was tempted to leave a negative review? Whether it was an airline not updating you on a late or cancelled flight, or an online retailer delivering your purchase late, chances are frustration could have been avoided for you, and a negative review for them if they had only communicated well with you.

Having spent thirty years working for large organizations, I can attest personally to the fact that effective communication skills will get you promoted over technical skills every time. The problem is, an outgoing personality often gets confused with being a good communicator, the result is a company may end up with managers lacking in both communication skills AND technical skills.

Poor management people skills will inevitably trickle down the companys employee hierarchy and cause resentment or demotivation at the shop floor level. A downward trend that cannot be leveled up with higher pay.

Overcoming Barriers to Effective Communication

In the journey to learn effective communication skills, we wouldn't get very far if we didn't recognize and address the barriers that can hinder effective communication. Here are some common obstacles and strategies for overcoming them:

Language barriers: When talking to people in a casual setting who speak different languages or have limited proficiency in your language, use clear simple language and avoid using expressions and ideums. If you tend to speak fast, slow your speech and be atuned to the other person to see whether your words are landing and being understood.

Emotional blocks: These can include fear, anxiety, anger, or stress. These things can effect your presence without you realising it. The key here is to keep checking in with yourself. If your posture is slouching straighten it up, this can do wonders for your confidence.

Check in on what your hands are doing. When feeling anxious we will often use pacifying actions to calm our heart rate. This includes such actions as rubbing your neck, your eyes, your thighs when sitting. Then there are self-hugging actions such as crossing your arms, and lacing your fingers. 

These represent some but not all self-pacifying actions that can be triggered by the limbic system of the brain in order to release serotonin, domamine etc. Our subconscious is hard-wired to notice such actions in others so when you catch yourself pacifying, consider switching to some deep breathing instead.

Last but not least for emotional blocks, check in on the sound of your voice. If it has gone quiet, raspy, high, or you're not able to complete sentences properly, this may be down to rapid shallow breathing altering the quality of your voice as it passes over your vocal chords. The answer again is deeper breathing from the abdoman to produce a fuller richer sound.

Attention: This comes in two forms. First is the focused external which refers to your environment and where you are looking. There may be multiple competitors for your attention such as your phone and other people around you, but they are often an excuse to look away when eye contact is becomming uncomfortable.

The second form of distraction is internal. Anxiety can fill your mind with thoughts about how to respond, how to end the conversation, or how the other person is judging your performance. Active listening means placing your attention outside your own head and focusing entirely on what the other person is saying.

The ability to tune out both these internal and external sources of distraction, to become fully present in the conversation, and make the other person feel like nobody else exists for you in that moment, is a key ingredient of charisma.

Preconceived notions: This one comes in the form of conscious and unconscious biases against the other person, and will effect how you communicate to them as a result. Biases and generalizations are impossible to eliminate from your thought processes because your brain is using them as a short cut to a first impression.

For example, you may harbour an unconscious bias against someone simply because they have hooded eyes, but your brain is interpreting them as baleful, superior, disinterested. Now that person has to prove to you they are not these things before they can even begin to make a good impression. 

Your brain has hundreds if not thousands of micro biases which you are projecting onto other people, as they, in turn, are projecting onto you. Because this is happening at a subconscious level it's not possible to completely purge yourself of these biases, however, you CAN become more aware of them and see them for what they are - false positives that can be ignored.

Clarity: This one relates to how well we can get our message across without losing too much in translation from one brain to the other. Shouldn't be too hard right? However, as every one of us has a unique upbringing and collection of life experiences, so we each interpret and attach our own meaning to words.

To demonstrate this point, if I said the word mum or mother, the image and associated feeling that would trigger in you would be very different to what it would trigger for me. This is how the expression 'The roadmap is not the territory' came about in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) - meaning there is no such thing as reality, only our individual interpretations of it.

Just like you build up an internal map of your local town so you don't have to relearn your way to work everyday, so your brain also builds an internal playbook for words based on your own life experiences. Your brain uses this playbook to make a near instant interpretations of what the other person is saying.

NLP also defines three filters for communicating and interpreting meaning. Those filters are:

• Distortion - This is when we distort the meaning of someones words. For example: 'You talked down to me, that means you think i'm stupid'. In this sentence the interpretation is that you are being talked down to, and the reason being you are stupid.

But perhaps the speaker had explained the same thing to someone else and been misunderstood, so this time they had chosen to simplify their words in order to help you better understand them.

• Deletion - This is when we leave information out of our statement such as saying: 'They think you are funny'. The information that has been left out is who THEY are exactly, and in what way do they think you are funny? (Cue Joe Pesci and that Goodfellas scene).
• Generalization - I'm sure you are familiar with this one where a statement is liberally applied to everyone. We could change our last example to: 'EVERYBODY thinks you are funny,' and now we have a generalization. Babies are adorable is a generalization of all babies... and it's simply not true!

These examples are just the tip of the iceberg of shortcuts our brains are taking when communicating to each other (and thats one generalization that IS true). On the flip side, your brain has to filter otherwise it would become overwhelmed, so when you say your partner doesn't listen to you - you are at least partially right, just as you are not listening to them.

Confusions and misunderstandings are a part of life, but now we have raised the existance of these filters into our conscious awareness, we can override some of the wooly language we use and become clearer communicators.

As for other people? We cannot edit their choice of words - not without talking down to them. We can and should however, question them when an ambiguity could cause a serious misunderstanding. But if you questioned them on all their smaller filtered outputs you would soon lose friends, so make allowances.

Mastering Effective Communication

Effective communication, it's clear to see, is an essential skill that allows us to express ourselves clearly and connect with others on a deeper level, and while I may describe it as an invisible gosamer web connecting us all together, the effects become all to clear to see when we don't have the skills to connect, and our lives stagnate as a result.

To become an accomplished communicator, lets familiarize with the key elements of effective communication.

1. Verbal communication skills

Verbal communication involves using words to convey messages effectively. This includes tone modulation, clear pronunciation, appropriate language use, and engaging storytelling techniques. By mastering verbal skills, you can confidently engage your audience and ensure your message is received as intended.

1. Nonverbal communication skills

Non-verbal communication includes body language, facial expressions, gestures, and eye contact - all powerful tools for conveying emotions and intentions without words. Understanding how to interpret and utilize non-verbal cues can greatly enhance your ability to connect with others.

1. Writing skills

In today's digital age where text, emails, and social media dominate our interactions, strong writing skills remain important. At a business level, clear writing is essential for accurately conveying information while maintaining professionalism.

At a personal level it is important for avoiding misunderstandings when we can't see and interpret how the other person is reacting, and where we only have emojies as substitutes for adding sentiments to our words.

1. Visual Storytelling

Visual aids such as graphs, charts, images, or videos can significantly enhance the effectiveness of your message by providing visual representations that support your verbal or written content. Utilizing visual elements appropriately helps capture attention and improve comprehension among your audience.

1. Active listening skills

Active listening involves fully engaging with the other person by paying attention not only to their words but also their tone of voice and body language during conversations or meetings with colleagues or clients.

Maybe the most powerful yet untapped aspect of all communication is the feeling you can generate within the other person by doing nothing more than making them feel heard. Actively listening is the first part, the second part is exploring what they've said instead of taking the attention back to your own thoughts and experiences.

1. Clarity, Conciseness, Coherence

To ensure your message is received with the same understanding you intended, it's important that they are clear, concise, and coherent. Clarity refers to the use of simple, understandable language, avoiding jargon or complex terms that may confuse your audience. Conciseness involves conveying information in a brief and precise manner, eliminating unnecessary details. Coherence ensures that the message flows logically and is easy to follow.

By understanding these key elements of effective communication, you can improve your ability to communicate in various aspects - verbal, nonverbal, written, and visual. Incorporating active listening techniques while maintaining clarity, conciseness, and coherence will enable you to serve as an excellent communicator.

Written Communication Skills

In the digital age our ability to communicate effectively through writing takes on a whole new perspective. Whether it's composing emails, drafting reports, or creating social media content, being able to convey your thoughts clearly and concisely is essential. 

One of the most essential aspects of communication whether verbal or written, is clarity. The world through internet 2.0 has shrunk to a very small place while the potential for misunderstanding has expanded through different cultural interpretations and sensitivities.

The tightrope walk to success here depends on not making assumptions about your audience. If your message is meant for a specific industry audience, avoid assuming they don't have the same level of understanding you do. Use the appropriate jargon and don't dumb anything down. 

For a general audience, whether writing a book, blog, or social media post, the opposite assumption is true. Don't assume your reader has the same level of understanding about your subject. Keep your words easily understandable by using simple language, and avoiding jargon or technical terms. Break down bigger ideas into smaller, more digestible chunks.

Organize your thoughts logically. Start with an introduction that captures the reader's attention, followed by supporting paragraphs that provide relevant information or arguments, and conclude with a clear summary or call-to-action. Now leave your words to settle for a few days.

The importance of doing this of course, depends on the type of content you are writing, whether novel, blog, or email, and your intention for it. It can be amazing how well and coherently you think your writing is... until you read it again a few days later and see all the potential ambiguities staring back at you like bored children.

Conclusion

In this episode then we have looked at the importance of being a good communicator, the consequences for companies when they are not, the subconscious barriers you need to overcome, and the key elements that will raise you up to a higher level of communication ability, both verbally and written. Thank you.

How To Avoid Shyness In Public Speaking: 

Hi and welcome to a brand new episode from the social skills doctor podcast with myself Richard gray where we will be diving into the world of how to avoid shyness in public speaking, and mastering anxiety in order to access your flow state. 

Shyness is a complex blend of self-consciousness, fear of judgment, and lack of trust in your own abilities. When these emotions collide with the daunting task of public speaking, it's no wonder why so many people experience sweaty palms and racing hearts at the mere thought.
 
 The impact of shyness on personal & professional growth cannot be underestimated. In today's world, effective communication skills are essential for progress in various areas of life. Whether it's nailing that job interview or delivering a powerful speech at an important event, overcoming shyness unlocks the door on a better future everytime.

Overcome Your Shyness or Don't - It's all the Same

Many will tell you its important, even crucial, to identify the source of your shyness in order to overcome it. However, as someone who developed shyness around age ten, and has lived through some car crash speeches and presentations, knowing the source of my shyness didn't help me get over my stage nerves.

These days I would happily run TOWARD the opportunity to get on stage and speak about my formula for social skills learning and shyness deactivation - without anxiety. What's my secret? Don't worry, I will tell all shortly...

First, let's explore cover some common fears associated with public speaking:

• Fear of judgment: Many individuals worry about being judged by their audience. The fear of criticism, ridicule or heckling for their ideas or presentation style. These can be a big barrier to stepping out of your comfort zone and into the spotlight.
• Fear of failure: The pressure to deliver really good speeches can feel overwhelming. The fear of making mistakes or forgetting important sections often holds people back from stepping onstage.
• Fear of embarrassment: Public speaking exposes you to vulnerability. Fear of embarrassing yourself in front of others can be paralyzing. The blushing of cheeks, the shaking of hands as excess adrenaline courses through you.
• Impostor syndrome: That feeling of being out of your depth, not qualified, being found out that you're a child masquerading as an adult. And now you're facing a room full of headmasters glaring back at you, waiting for an explanation your brain cannot provide.

Sure you could do some self-reflection and soul search the source of your fears, but here's the thing, aside from death, public speaking is the next biggest fear we have - traumatic childhood or not, shyness or no. Ironic then that the thing we feared most in childhood was the dark, while in adulthood, it is the spotlight. 

Common Techniques For Public Speaking

As someone who went from anxiety-riddled to confident public speaker, I understand the almighty hurdles shyness can present when it comes to confidently delivering a speech or presentation. 
 
 So next up I will share some common strategies & techniques that can help manage your shyness and become a more confident speaker. Then I will share my own secret source tips and techniques - including one particular piece of advice that wiped out 80% of my anxiety in one fell swoop.

The Power of Preparation:

Before stepping on stage, thorough preparation is key. Take time to research and gather all necessary information for your speech or presentation.

Practice delivering your speech multiple times. This will help get you familiarized with the content and boost your confidence in the process.

Visualize Your Success:

Close your eyes and imagine yourself giving a successful speech. Vividly picture every detail - from confidently walking out on stage, speaking clearly, engaging with the audience effortlessly, and maintaining a calm demeanor before receiving thunderous applause at the end. Look, if this technique works for athletes, and it does, then it can work for you too.

Breathe Deeply for Calmness:

Just before going onstage, take slow deep breaths. This will oxygenate your blood and help relax your body and mind.

Harness Nervous Energy:

Instead of trying to eliminate nervousness completely, channel that energy into enthusiasm and passion for your topic. Embrace the adrenaline rush as a sign that you genuinely care about what you're speaking about.

The Social Skills Doctors Tips and Techniques For Public Speaking

Now for my own techniques that I will personally use, but just before I get into them, allow me to set the scene for how they came about.

Back in my mid-twenties I was about to hit rock bottom with shyness and social anxiety and that rock bottom came in the shape of a best man speech. How a walking disaster like me had ended up as a best man is another story, but the speech was very real, as was the anxiety that made my mind freeze up and forget more than half of it.

So there I stood before a crowd of mostly strangers with cheeks burning, hands shaking, mind gone blank, and living my worst nightmare. To this day I even remember someone in the room quietly saying ‘Is that it?’

Thing is, my worst fear leading up to that speech was forgetting what I had prepared to say, and my mind made it a reality for me.

My first tip for you then is to watch what you are telling yourself. Your mind is a powerful instrument and it will bring into reality that which you truly believe will happen, just like it did during my best man speech.

But if that’s the case, why can't you manifest anything you like then? The simple answer is you can't lie to yourself. Not really. Only when you believe something will happen and its supported by an inner conviction will your subconscious get onboard and make it happen. This is why I never recommend affirmations because they’re simply words without the belief.

My second tip - Retune your inner doom voice. I love doing this and so will you. It's very simple, when your inner voice is putting you down, criticizing you, telling all the ways you will mess up your speech - change the way it sounds. 

You may always have perceived that voice to be dark and all powerful, or for you, it may sound like that of an overly critical parent, but if you make that voice sound like micky mouse, or some other harmless or cartoonish voice, you take away all its power to influence you.

My third tip - Pump yourself up before the speech... if you have a private space to do so. This runs contrary to the common technique of deep breathing to calm yourself down, and I guess it comes down to presonal choice. Calm yourself down or build yourself up.

By doing some star jumps, or thirty seconds of shadow boxing, you ride your nervous energy and convert the anxiety into excitement. Calming yourself down gives you time to think and let the inner doom voice back in, but psyching yourself up reduces over-thinking.

My fourth tip - Let your butterflies fly. This tip won't remove your shyness or anxiety, but it WILL take the heat out of them with a few quick reframes. If you put your hand under running water, for that first second you wouldn't know whether it was hot or cold, it's the same with butterflies in your stomach - do they represent anxiety or excitement?

The feeling is the same, it's only the context of your environment and that pesky inner voice telling you which it is. So why not tell yourself you're feeling excited for the speech? This is called a reframe, now here's one more. When you walk out on stage, tell yourself the anxiety you're feeling is for something happening later on that night, not the present moment, and this will take the pressure off your current situation.

My fifth tip - Believe in yourself. Many years after that car crash best man speech, a lot of personal development training, and a few published books later, I got up to give my next public speech. The difference between the two speeches was night and day.

What was the difference? Did I know my subject matter better the second time because it was a presentation based on one of my books? No. I'd written a very good best man speech and rehearsed it well so I knew my material. The real difference came down to having found myself, I liked myself a bit more, and I believed in myself.

My biggest tip for how to avoid shyness in public speaking is to understand one simple little truth - Your audience are not there to see you, only to hear what you have to say. This little bit of tough love transformed my mindset.

What it also means is that you never have to apologise for making a mistake, or for displaying nerves. It's not that the audience lacks empathy, of course they want you to do well, but you're invisible to them - it's the information they came for even if its delivered imperfectly.

Conclusion

Now it's your turn! Start your journey towards confident public speaking by taking small steps outside your comfort zone — whether it be joining a local Toastmasters club or enrolling in public speaking classes, experiment with the tips and techniques covered here and see which ones work best for you. 

But most importantly, don’t forget to start reframing that anxiety into excitement, because if you’re not getting anything positive back out of your public speaking at a feelings level then it’s going to feel instead like the brakes are permanently on and slowing down your flow state – which is exactly what these techniques have been designed to free up.

Thank you for listening, keep expanding your social comfort zone and I will look forward to catching up with you in the next episode.

 

It could be said the very thing powering the engine room of all human relations, and all that motivates us to success in life - is small talk.
 
 With so much hanging in the balance, let's suspend any mistrust or dislike of small talk as we use Maslows hierarchy of needs to determine if small talk is nothing more than just idle chit-chat, or whether its a powerful fuel helping us connect with others, build rapport, make friends, relationships, and create allies.
 
 Scaling Mazlows hierarchy of needs with small talk
 
 Yes, small talk has got its fingerprints all over Mazlows hierarchy. So, before we can crack the nut of small talk wide open and begin wielding it like Jedi masters at social events, lets understand what it's going to do for us first.
 
 1. Physiological
 
 At level one Mazlow places our physical needs such as for food, water, air etc. Okay so small talk can play a role in acquiring some of these things, but that's about it.
 
 2. Safety/Security
 
 At level two Mazlow talks about our need for security, such as financial, health, and shelter. Not much here for small talk to get its teeth into yet, but when Mazlow published his paper entitled "A Theory of Human Motivation" back in 1943 was he thinking about mental health as part of his health brief?
 
 Today there is better appreciation for mental health, with research showing regular social interactions have an undeniably beneficial effect. By participating in these seemingly simple exchanges of small talk, we can combat feelings of loneliness while uplifting our overall mood.
 
 3. Social needs
 
 After securing our physical and security needs, Mazlow places belonging third, such as that for friendships, relationships, belonging to groups etc. All of which begin with small talk.
 
 As human beings, we thrive on interacting with each other, and searching for a home in the company of new friends & kindred spirits. All driven by a craving for a sense of belonging. Engaging in light-hearted conversations through small talk sets the pace for fulfilling these core needs.
 
 4. Esteem needs
 
 At the fourth level of Mazlows hierarchy comes personal achievement, self-esteem, personal worth. If we try to service this level without having taken care of our social needs first, that’s when small talk can take a dark turn into something superficial or devoid of meaning.
 
 One reason we might jump a level is because of shyness, social anxiety, and to a lesser extent introversion. At esteem level four & self-actualization level five, we focus on the bigger topics in life we may normally talk about in conversation AFTER we have cleared small talk formalities.
 
 Bypassing social level three puts you on a different wavelength to almost all new people you meet who are expecting to go through the small talk formalities with you, to feel you out and see if a connection is possible.
 
 It's worth stating explicitly before moving on, that engaging in small talk doesn't mean sacrificing authenticity or depth. Instead, it empowers you to establish genuine connections by starting off on common ground before graduating to the bigger topics.

Navigating Common Small Talk Topics

When it comes to small talk, having a repertoire of interesting safe topics is key to keeping the conversation flowing. Here are some common small talk topics & valuable tips on how to navigate them like a pro:
 
 Weather: The weather is a timeless icebreaker that can instantly start a connection with anyone, especially if you're in the UK due to its unpredictability. Luckily the weather here does not get too extreme in either direction, how about where you come from? Oops, there i go making small talk with you, let's move on.
 
 Hobbies and Interests: Delving into someone's hobbies is a great way to get beyond their work or school life. Show genuine curiosity by asking open questions like, "What do you enjoy doing outside work?"
 
 Travel Experiences: Many people love sharing their travel adventures and dream destinations. If you were to ask, "Have you been on any exciting trips lately?" or "If money were no object, where in the world would you go?" These would cause anybody to access their happy places (metaphorically speaking)
 
 Books/Movies/TV Shows: Discussing popular books, movies, or TV shows provides an easy entry point for connecting with others who share similar interests as yourself. Inquire if they've come across any good reads lately or if they have any movie recommendations.
 
 Current Events: Be selective with this one at the small talk level. Choose neutral subjects that are unlikely to provoke strong feelings. Yes, this is why small talk can get a boring label, but remember, it's only a springboard to the next levels.
 
 Steer clear of controversial topics such as politics, religion, or anything that may lead to heated debates or discomfort. Keep the focus on light-hearted enjoyable conversations - At least until you know the other person better.

Overcoming Common Small Talk Challenges

Small talk can be daunting, especially for the shy or not naturally outgoing. What Mazlows hierarchy also revealed when we try to satisfy self-esteem through achievement rather than socialization, was why the mind can prejudice itself against small talk with phrases like 'I just want to talk about the bigger topics'.

So let's hit pause for a moment, mentally wipe the slates of our mind clear, put inner voice on mute (ah, if only) and look at a few common small talk hurdles.

Awkward Silences - Arm yourself with interesting conversation starters or captivating topics. Use open-ended questions to bring out more information from the other person.

Ending Conversations - Look for natural pauses to express your appreciation before mentioning you need to move on.

• Indirectly let them know you are ready to wrap up by adding a signifier like - just before we move on, tell me...'
• Directly let them know you are ready to wrap up with a valid reason like 'so many people to meet, so little time...'

Quiet or unresponsive people - There's a world of body language that is a whole topic for another article, but when looking for specific cues beyond the obvious, you can know in advance whether your approach would be welcome or not. 

Once engaged stay positive, stay friendly, even if they seem disinterested. Throw out a few open-ended questions to encourage engagement. But above all, be socially intelligent and take the hint if they don't appear engaged. Now you can use the direct exit strategy.

Remember! every experience is a chance to learn and improve your small talk skills. Practice and patience will make navigating different scenarios easier. 

Small Talk Hacks to Sharpen Your Interactions

1. Open-ended questions

Conversations are often initiated with closed, surface level questions based on some common element in the environment which could be a mutual friend, the weather, decor, food or drink, someone giving a presentation etc. Closed questions break the ice, now follow up with open-ended questions that encourage the other person to open up further. 

Closed question: "Did you enjoy the presentation?"

Open question: "What part of the presentation did you find most useful?" 

2. The Follow up

Asking an open question will usually produce some free information, now you have to do something with it. Supposing the social skills doctor had just given a presentation about the Multiversal Mind Method at a meetup group, now you turn to your neighbor and use our previous open question example -

What part of the presentation did you find most useful? Their reply: The section called Ten Topics in your Pocket and how to memorize them was very powerful.

If they don't open up any further, now you have an opening to explore further by asking what it was they found so powerful. They might tell you their mind often goes blank in conversation and how amazing it would be to never forget a topic again.

Conversation is now opening wider with different branches of discussion, and you still have in reserve the part of the presentation YOU found most interesting.

3. Active Listening.

This plays a crucial role in successful small talk because by focusing all your attention on other person, you are able to escape your own head and any anxiety thoughts you may be having over what to say next.

In our previous example your imaginary conversation partner used words like powerful, memorize, blank mind. These are three potential conversation iceberg tips which you might only pick up on if you were actively listening.

Now you are ready to dive in below the surface small talk and explore what lies beneath those iceberg tips - if you have genuine interest...

4. Conversation cards. 

One effective way to improve your small talk is through practice and the safety net of conversation cards. These are essentially a pack of cards with different ice-breaker, thought-provoking, or open style questions printed on them.
 
 Use them with friends or on a date taking turns asking each other questions that will feed the conversation and help you learn about each other.
 
 In this article then, we have put small talk under the spotlight and taken a walk through Mazlows hierarchy of needs to see where small talk plays a key role. We have covered some common topics and how to use them, then delved in to some common small talk hurdles and how to leap them.
 
 After all this, we brought it home with some key small talk hacks that will liberate your ability to navigate social settings, and hopefully give you a new perspective and some excitement to take your talk to the next level. Thank you.

When every conversation feels like a car crash, sometimes the best way to move forward is to go back and identify your blind spots.

Communication skills are not just a nice-to-have, they are a game-changer that can propel you towards success in every aspect of your life. In personal relationships, conversational mastery is the key to winning the human race. 

In a professional setting conversation skills are non-negotiable for career growth. Whether you're networking at industry events or navigating workplace dynamics with colleagues and managers. Adept conversational abilities will get you noticed as an influential communicator and enable you to confidently articulate your ideas during meetings or presentations.

So if you're ready to elevate your quality of life, enrich your relationships, and advance professionally, lets park everything I've just said and dive straight in with finding your conversation blind spots.What makes a poor conversationalist

Here's a scenario: Somebody is sharing a piece of information, gossip, experience, or story with you, but you don’t have any particular interest in what they are saying, or they missed out an important part of the story and now you can't follow along, much less relate to it. You would like at the very least to ask a clarifying question, but they are on a roll and not stopping for breath.

I have just described my experiences of an older work colleague, the type of person who would frequently launch into rambling stories without giving any context first. A bit like reading a book without the benefit of a synopsis.

My colleague was hitting two blind social spots in one. First he didn't realize that his story-telling style was confusing, and second, he wasn't present enough to realize when his audience had lost focus and interest.

Becoming aware of your social blind spots by raising them into your conscious awareness will give you a quick win without having to do a thing except remedy some bad habits. We will now cover five of the biggest conversation blind spots and see how they can be turned into shining points of light for our personality.Five blind spots of a poor conversationalist

1. The superficial one...

Conversations have different levels starting at the surface, where you can talk about anything in your shared environment to get the conversation going. You will then typically move from this superficial level to the information sharing level, and after a while you may go deeper to the opinions and the feelings level. 

If the other person is revealing information about themselves but you are staying at the surface level and being guarded about sharing anything back then the conversation is unbalanced.

The blind spot. When someone comments about the weather or something trivial in the environment, the blind spot is not that you, or they, are making boring conversation, the blind spot is turning that ice-breaker into the main subject. Not communicating at the same level will result in no rapport, no connection, and probably no second meeting.

2. The quiet one...

When someone is talking you may feel like you need to make a witty or interesting reply, or respond with a thought-provoking question. If you don't or can't they will think less of you. This type of thinking often stems from shyness. In fact, to assume they will judge you negatively means YOU are the one judging THEM negatively.

The blind spot is thinking that there is safety in silence and nobody will judge you as stupid or boring if you don't give them anything to judge you on. The irony of course, is that your silence is more boring than a boring reply.

3. The self-involved one...


The self-involved person like my former work colleague, brings a very contrasting experience to the conversational table than the quiet person, but usually no less boring.

Most of us have that one hot button interest or soap box cause that can set us off. Others just seem to have a million stories or opinions just waiting to burst out of them. And it’s a wonderful thing to have such a fertile mind with lots of material. Unfortunately, that material can be a bit like a theme park for the self involved person to get lost in.

Because their stories and opinions are so entertaining and important (at least to them), they think it must also be for you too. And as a bonus, they think they are an excellent conversationalist because they can talk so much.

The blind spot. Not being able to tell a story without rambling, repetition, or an initial hook of interest. And not being socially intelligent enough to be aware when you have lost the attention of your listener.

4. The not listening one...


There is little worse than talking to someone and being able to sense that they are not listening. Either their attention is elseware, they are waiting their turn to speak, or they are not interested in what you are saying and don't have the social intelligence to conceal it.

Distracted people give themselves away very easily with their scattered attention, which is either bouncing around the room looking at other people, as though they need to be rescued, or they are checking out their phone. The not listening person will even respond too, or start a conversation with, someone else - while you are in mid-sentence!

While it has become the norm in a society with shorter attention spans, talking over the other person is also a sure sign someone is distracted by something they want to say and has prioritized it over letting you finish what you had to say.

The blind spot here is an absence of active listening skills and not having the presence to realize the lack of respect and poor interpersonal skills this is demonstrating to the other person. If you recognize yourself here, what you are doing is teaching the other person how to treat you in return.

5. The negative energy one...


Negative energy can manifest in the content of your words, or your physical presence. Lets call them negative and zero energy. Lets begin with negativity in general. This can be a one-off moan when you just need to get something off your chest. Friends will be fine with these occasional valve releases, but make it a regular thing and it starts to become your personality.

Negative energy can also come in the form of gossip which is used for bonding. But gossip is negative-centric and will ultimately leave a bad taste. When negativity becomes a habitual way of thinking, your mind becomes conditioned to looking for the negative slant on any new piece of information. Somebody announces an achievement and you marginalize it. For example:

• Big deal, anybody could have done that with a little practice.
• They probably did something bad to achieve that status.
• Why are they telling everybody? What makes them think we care?

Human beings are hopeful and aspirational by nature. When that turns negative, it's usually because of personal failure, or jealousy at the success of others. People want to be inspired by, and to associate with positive, aspiring people, not to have their energy drained by a mood hoover.

Zero energy. This is more about the absence of passion and having a victim mindset. If you haven't found any hobbies, activities, or people to get passionate about, then passion will be lacking from your body language and how you speak, such as:

• A monotone speaking voice
• Low speaking volume
• Lack of eye contact
• Disinterested body language

The blind spot is thinking the other person is enjoying your negative gossip as much as you, and that you are both bonding over the evisceration of someone else. In reality you are probably putting up their guard and making them wonder what you are saying about them in their absence. 

Tips and tactics to improve your conversation gameImproving your conversation skills can greatly enhance your personal and professional relationships. Practice active listening, ask open-ended questions, and be mindful of non-verbal cues. Engage in meaningful conversations that allow for genuine connection and understanding with others.

Now we have looked at the five biggest issues responsible for a poor conversational experience, lets now address the same five blind spots but with tips and techniques to improve your conversation game.

1. Surface level. The most obvious example I ever came across of someone unable to connect with others was on a celebrity dating show. The celebrity who considered himself to be a good conversationalist, was set up with multiple blind dates, yet none of them ever wanted a second date. His frustration and confusion turned to denial when the unanimous feedback was that, while he asked about them, he was evasive about sharing anything about himself.

The learning point here is to be more open and more aware of when the conversation has moved beyond the surface level and into information sharing. i.e. sharing information about each other, your likes and dislikes, family, past experiences, career ambitions, hopes and dreams for the future etc

2. Being quiet. If being quiet is your thing, then chances are it's not the way you want to be. Shyness can truly distort and downgrade your self-worth and make you think whatever you say has such little value that others will think less of you, or simply smile indulgently. So the safest course of action is to say nothing.

Ironically the longer this goes on the more of a reputation you build for being the quiet one, and the more self-conscious you become when you do speak up. If this is your particular blind spot then you know what I have described is only the beginning of the problem.

The anxiety of the situation can cause your mind to tense up and go blank, and now you literally can't think of anything to say. On the occasion you do, you wait for an opening in the conversation, you wait and hesitate a little longer... then the topic shifts to something else and your input has just become redundant.

The first part of the solution is to switch to active listening. Now you may think you are already a good listener, but a good active listener will focus all their attention on what the other person is saying, while your attention may be split between the other person and the anxiety thoughts in your head.

True active listening will enable you to escape your own head and find your responses spontaneously from what the other person is sharing.

3. Being self-involved. There's nothing wrong with leading a conversation, but when you start to dominate it, or your stories don't have a beginning or end, this is when you start to harm your personal image. 

The solution here is to develop your social intelligence. Think back to a few previous interactions and replay them while you observe from a fly-on-the-wall perspective.

• Are you talking over the other person to grab back the limelight?
• Do your stories take more than a minute or two to tell?
• Are people facing you with their whole body when you are speaking?
• Do they ever encourage you to get to the point when telling a story?
• Can you recognize when someone drops a hint they are ready to leave, and do you continue talking regardless?

If the answer is that you don't know then try to become more atuned to how others are responding to you. Become more empathetic to the social cues of others. 

Allow each person to speak without interruption, ensuring that everyone has the opportunity to speak. When they are finished ask them a few follow up questions to let them know you were listening and interested in their thing.

When you speak, be clear and cut out any unnecessary elaboration, this will give you a more confident persona and ensure what you say resonates better with others. Speak at a moderate pace, avoid rushing or mumbling, and use well-timed pauses between sentences or thoughts for emphasis. If your story-telling is letting you down, there are many resources for improving your skills in this area. 

4. Not listening. The opposite of someone not listening is someone actively listening, and most of us fall somewhere inbetween the two. For every one-percent nearer you are to active listening on this scale, you will be one-percent more successful in life. To become more successful in life and social interactions then:

• Practice active listening
• Maintain good eye contact with the speaker
• Nod occasionally to show you are listening
• Refrain from interrupting or finishing their sentences. 
• Ask a few follow up questions

5. Negative energy. It can take time to train yourself out of negative thinking once you have gotten into the habit, but it's far from impossible to change. First things first:

Give yourself something positive to look forward to. Resentment often surfaces when seeing others living a better life than you. Instead of looking outward, look within and find your passion to focus on instead. Give yourself a goal to aim for and start working toward it. 

Change your inner dialogue. Whenever you use a negative word against yourself or others in your mind, edit yourself and substitute the negative word for a positive one. For example if you regularly call yourself stupid, try substituting it for the word pretty instead.

Change your physiology. We've all heard that smiling can make you feel better, but so too can better posture. It raises you up and makes you feel more confident. Relax your muscles at the same time and you will also project a more positive and at-ease-with-yourself image.

Zero energy. When you begin to give yourself purpose and something to work toward, you raise yourself up and gossip stays beneath you. When you train out the negative inner voice you take away the judgement and feel less toxic. Add physiological improvements and you complete a three-pronged approach to transforming negative energy into positive.Conclusion

Blind spots by their very nature are hidden from you, so don't be too hard on yourself if anything covered here has hit close to home. And if you're about to call yourself something negative, then let your inner dialogue retraining begin right now by substituting any negative words for positive ones. 

If you want to go deeper on any areas of developing social skills, consider signing up for our introductory social & emotional intelligence masterclass & get the social skills doctor high speed brain newsletter, and learn more about our world exclusive approach to social skills development with the world exclusive Multiversal Mind Method please visit the website at https://.thesocialskillsdoctor.com

Welcome to episode 4 of the social skills doctor podcast where todays topic is the 10 step template to finding and making friends as an adult - and keeping them. Not in a cupboard, just keeping them. 

One of the primary challenges adults face when it comes to making friends is the inevitable changes that come with age. As we grow older, our lives become bloated with routine and responsibilities such as building careers, starting families, and managing various commitments. These demands often leave us with limited time and energy for socializing.

Furthermore, many adults already have well-established social circles from their school years or early careers. Breaking into these tight-knit groups may seem daunting at first glance. It's natural to feel like everyone else has their own exclusive league of companions while you're drifting solo for whatever reason.

However, it's crucial to recognize that nurturing strong social bonds is a key player for both mental and physical well-being. Countless studies have shown that having supportive friendships reduces stress levels, boosts self-esteem, enhances overall happiness, and even promotes longevity!

With this in mind, it's important to persevere and discover, or rediscover, the friend-making blueprint for any adults seeking new friendships - whether you've just moved to a new city, or you're just looking to refresh your friend network.

Uncovering Opportunities for Social Connection

Making friends as an adult may feel like being thrown back into the dating pool after a long-term relationship. In our younger years, friendships seemed to spring up almost by themselves through school or extracurricular activities where you had no choice but to spend time every single day in the company of perhaps thirty other kids your own age - regardless of whether you had anything in common with them. 

In your adulthood you may be reduced to just your own company for long periods of time, or just that of your colleagues depending on your current circumstances. In adulthood then, to bring back some of that friend-making fairy dust, we have three ingredients to find - Company, Time, and Compatibility.

Armed with a proactive mindset then, will cover the three ingredients of

Company and where to find it. Think of this as the adult version of school where you can spend time and become a familiar face to others

Time for making contact and initiating first conversations. These are the adult substitutions for time because we have a lot less of it that we used to, and we need to take the initiative instead of leaving the formation of friendships to fate.

Compatibility because as children we are still mostly unmoulded lumps of clay waiting to discover our interests. But as adults our friendship opportunities are strongest when our interests are aligned.

Stage 1. Find and explore different social settings. Here are some ideas…

• Immerse yourself in social events: Keep an eye out for local community gatherings, parties, or networking events that align with your interests. Apps like eventbrite can do all the legwork of this for you.
• Join clubs and organizations: Consider becoming part of hobby-based groups such as book clubs, sports leagues, hiking groups, or volunteer organizations. 
• Enrol in classes or workshops: Take educational courses or workshops related to your hobbies or areas of interest. Engaging in hobbies not only brings personal fulfilment and new knowledge, but also exposes you to potential friends with similar passions, as does joining clubs, and going to events.
• Harness online platforms: Utilize social media networks and online communities centered around shared interests. This guide is more about making friends in real life but that doesn't mean the virtual world can't provide a bridge leading to face-to-face meetups.

Did you know that the majority of people are just waiting for someone else to start a conversation with them? Not because they are princes or princesses, but because they are human, just like us, and they are anxious of making a poor impression, or disturbing someone who may not want to talk.

With certain caveats, don't hesitate to seize the initiative and be the one to strike up conversations with people. This puts you in the driving seat. If you're not used to leading conversations and the thought of it leaves you feeling anxious, then it may be time to read a book or take a conversation skills course to give yourself confidence and some new angles to work with. 

First Meetings and Making Small Talk

The next stages of building lasting relationships cover mastering your small talk game. While many actively dislike small talk and others dismiss it as trivial or superficial, small talk actually provides a bridge between you and the other person. Without it you don't get to learn anything real about them, which in turn means you won't find out if you have anything in common to establish rapport with.

Without rapport you don't have the grounds for a friendship or relationship, and if you're in a sales or other business capacity, you probably won't have a sale either. Lets now move through the stages of friendship initiation and first conversation small talk:

Stage 2. Energy

Think of someone who is self-absorbed, always has a complaint, gossips about other people, seldom has a smile, and always seems to be a victim. Now think of someone who always has a ready smile, asks about your day, is energetic, talks in positive terms, and always elevates the energy levels in any group. Good energy is very important for creating a good first impression.

Stage 3. Curiosity

This step is an easy win if you're a cat, and for us humans it should also be an easy win unless you don't have much spare time, or you're anxious about how to escape a conversation. Which sadly for the adult variety is all too often the case, which means we may hold back from encouraging the other person to start talking too much.

All else being equal and you're not under time pressure, then are you doing all the talking? Because if you are then you're not doing any learning. Show genuine curiosity in the other person by asking open-ended questions that encourage them to share their thoughts and experiences. This will help them relax.

Stage 4. Active listening

There's nothing worse for a speaker in a conversation than when the other person is distracted or not interested or both. The lack of presence or awareness some people give off can be truly breath-taking, and it's hard to believe its not deliberate. For instance, starting a conversation with someone else while you are still mid-sentence.

As a listener, make sure you are focused on what the other person is saying, maintain eye contact, nod a few times to show you're listening, and the difference in conversational vibe will be night and day. 

Stage 5. Finding shared interests

If you're a driver, rider, or cyclist, you'll know that on the uphills you or your vehicle have to work harder, on level ground its easier, and on a downhill you can coast or pick up a burst of speed. In conversations be on the look out for common interests like hobbies, experiences, travel, style, music etc.

Searching for these connections can feel like the uphills (or level ground if the other person is a good conversationalist), but when you do find a shared interest it can be like a sudden downhill burst of speed. Instant bonds can be created as the wind rushes through your hair, because you both know your minds are at the same frequency.

Stage 6. Sharing your own information

If you were to read a classic book like 'How to win friends and influence people', you would be left thinking that a great conversation consisted of you encouraging the other person to talk the whole time. That may have been fine a hundred years ago when the book was written, but today you must be willing to share your own information, thoughts, and opinions because a conversation has different levels. 

Starting at the surface where you can begin by commenting on anything in your environment to initiate conversation, soon you can move on to the information sharing level, then the opinions level, and finally the feelings level. But! if the other person is sharing information and opinions but you are stuck at the surface level then they will not be able to connect with you.

Remember! connecting works both ways.

Stage 7. The follow up

If you have gone to the trouble of putting yourself into new environments to meet new people, and initiated the conversations, then the ball is still in your court to do a follow up. Arrange a second meetup based on any shared interests you established. Make the invite light and pressure free and put the ball in their court for accepting or declining. Two declines and it's a no go.

Stage 8. Stay connected

Regular communication is key when it comes to maintaining strong bonds with your friends. Whether it's through phone calls, text messages, video chats, or meeting up for coffee or lunch dates - make an effort to stay connected as frequently as your lifestyles and other commitments will allow for. By doing so, you're showing that you value their presence in your life.

Stage 9. Create memories

Plan activities or outings that both you and your friends enjoy on a regular basis. This could be anything from going on hikes, playing squash, taking cooking classes, having movie nights or poker nights etc. Engaging in shared activities not only creates memories but also keeps the bond active.

Stage 10. Support each other

Be there and show unwavering support for your friends during challenging times by offering a shoulder to lean on, an ear to bend, a lending hand to help whenever needed. Be empathetic towards their struggles and genuinely celebrate their successes.

Conclusion

Now these ten stages may make it feel like adult friendships are a LOT of work, but remember, in adulthood get togethers don’t have to be every other day, or even every week, they could be once a month if you are on the same wavelength as them. 

And you don’t have to do all the organising, that can be a split responsibility. A strong friendship can drift then pick up again months later as long as it has a rich foundation of good memories.

In this episode then, we have covered the three friendship ingredients, and the ten stages of friendship starting with uncovering opportunities and venues for finding new friends. Making contact and the importance of using small talk effectively to find connections and build rapport in a first conversation. Then we moved into the later stages of strengthening a friendship and maintaining it through adulthood.

While many will tell you it's hard to make friends as an adult, it only is if you believe them or you genuinely don't have access to one or more of the three ingredients of company, time, and compatibility. It has been the job of this article then to show you how and where to get them. I hope it’s done a good job.

Thankyou and I look forward to catching up with you again on the next episode

Welcome back to a new podcast episode from the social skills doctor where we will be covering the essential guide to developing your social skills. I’m told that I have a hypnotic voice which comes in very useful as I’m a hypnotherapist, however, if you’re planning to listen to me while going to work, be sure to have a coffee first. I don’t want to be responsible for a pandemic of cars drifting into ditches, or commuters missing their stops.

Ok, so there’s only a handful of truly important things you need to be able to do, to survive in this world, such as feeding yourself, putting a roof over your head, and avoiding hungry tigers. But if you want to thrive with humans, then social skills are your keys to the kingdom.

Without the ability to communicate well, build rapport, and get the cooperation of others you won't be able to get to the next level in life on your own terms. Without good social skills, your chances of career advancement are reduced. Without good social skills, it becomes hard to make friends, build relationships, and ultimately find a life partner. 

Without social skills any success you have will be limited and unreliable. Limited because even if you find the road to success, you don't have a ticket so the bus won’t stop to pick you up. Instead, you have to hope the driver is in a good mood and wants some company that day. But honestly! how many drivers have you ever met like that?

I say unreliable because in any contract of success there's two sides - you and the other person. Without social skills to make this contract fair and balanced, you can't fully stand up for yourself, showcase yourself, and demonstrate your value, so your fortunes become more reliant on the other person, whether this is a boss choosing who to promote, or a new person choosing you for a friend or partner.

And let's not also forget the contract you have with yourself. There's a direct link between social skills and mental well-being. Those who struggle with poor interpersonal skills often experience heightened levels of anxiety or depression. Conversely, those who have developed strong interpersonal abilities tend to enjoy better overall mental health.

This glimpse of a life without social skills is a gloomy one right? and one we must, as a priority, take responsibility for and develop our social skills in order to put ourselves on a level playing field in this competitive world. Make others see your value so they will recognise their lives have just become a little better because of the friendship or relationship they managed to secure with you. One they will work harder to keep and not take for granted.

Embarking on the journey of improving your social skills doesn't have to be a chore but instead an exciting opportunity to unlock your true potential in connecting with others and all the secondary benefits that entails. A good place to begin is by identifying your existing strengths and weaknesses. By self-assessing and getting feedback from any friends or family members you can trust, you may gain valuable insights into how you can enhance your social skills.

Here are three ways you can self-assess, pick one that works for you.

1. Reflect on past experiences: This involves stepping back into different social situations from your past. When you do this, make sure you are in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed and not driving an arctic lorry, then recall a few instances where you represented yourself poorly and felt uncomfortable. Then choose a few instances where you felt like a social superstar, navigating conversations like a champion. Associate yourself back into these memories as vividly as you can, analyse how they unfolded from your own perspective, then switch perspective and see yourself through the eyes of the other person in the memory.
2. Keep a journal: Document your daily interactions with others. Jot down any triumphs or hurdles you encounter during conversations or group settings. If a journal isn't for you then revert to reflecting at the end of each day on what went well and what didn't during your interactions.
3. Harness online assessments: Explore the vast array of online quizzes and assessments available that can provide insights into various aspects of social skills, such as communication style, empathy levels, and assertiveness.

What you're aiming to achieve with these activities is to build a map of your strengths and weaknesses. Identifying the types of settings where you perform well and those where you... well, don't. To this end, after reflecting on some past experiences, ask yourself:

• What was present in the good ones that were absent from the bad ones?
• What was present in the bad ones that wasn't in the good ones? 
• Or what was absent from the bad ones that was present in the good ones?

These types of question will enable you to identify your triggers both for what enables you to be free with your personality, and what is causing you to tense up, close down, and stop representing yourself well. Is it certain people? Environments? What is it about them and how are they making you feel?

The Role of Feedback

Another way to look at this and gain insights that will help you build up that map of your strengths and weaknesses is feedback from others. If your ego can handle negative feedback then asking those close to you for their opinion on what you do well, and where they think you are lacking will most likely reveal some blind spots, or areas for improvement within your social skills repertoire that you were completely unaware of - or you held false beliefs about.

Before seeking input from friends, family members, mentors, or colleagues you can trust for an honest opinion, reassure them first that you will not be offended by whatever they have to say. If you think you might take offense, or you’re known for taking offense, then think twice about put the burden on the other person because this will not be easy for them.

Developing strong social skills is crucial for successful interactions and relationships. It allows us to connect with others, effectively express our thoughts and feelings, and navigate various social situations with ease. Think of social skills as being like social clothing, the better, or more appropriately you are dressed for the particular situation the better people will view and respond to you. Here then are some social garments you can dress yourself in:

Garment 1. Active Listening

Active listening is a foundational aspect of effective communication. By fully engaging with the other person, paying attention to both their verbal and non-verbal cues, and responding appropriately, the benefits are multiple. Not least because you're making the other person feel listened to in a world where attention is hard to come by. Some of those benefits are:

• You'll learn about the other person
• You’ll connect with them much faster
• You’ll know how to respond to them instead of being trapped in your own head
• And you’ll gain a reputation for your communication style

Garment 2. Empathy

Empathy is a natural byproduct or extension of active listening. It plays a vital role in building connections by allowing us to understand and share another person's emotions or experiences.

While active listening enables you to be more focused on what the other person is saying, empathy is being able to recognise the real meanings. The underlying issues that are shaping their thoughts and choice of words, how the words are spoken, and the accompanying body language. Empathy is picking up on these signals, seeing the issue from their perspective, and responding with compassion or whatever may be needed. 

3. Non-Verbal Cues

Cues such as facial expressions, gestures, posture, and tone of voice often convey more meaning than words alone. More interestingly, this secondary underlying body language is powered by the subconscious which makes it more honest, while verbal communication is produced by the conscious mind which, as we all know, has the potential to be deceptive or concealing.

This area of social skills is a rich and deep topic full of insights into human nature, and opportunities for rapport building, so we will mine that vein in a future article. Simply be aware for now that non-verbal cues can become an extension of your empathy by helping you accurately interpret others' emotions while also allowing you to express yourself more effectively through body language.

4. Effective Communication

Effective communication involves expressing yourself clearly while being receptive and attuned to what the other person has to say. Use appropriate language choices, maintain good eye contact during conversations, speak confidently and adapt your communication style based on the situation or audience. 

These points will ensure that your message is conveyed clearly, confidently, and persuasively. Communicating at this level creates the impression you know what you are talking about (even if you don't) and will inspire trust in those listening. 

You have by now probably noticed that these four areas of social skills all feed into, and support each other. Good active listening skills feeds into your ability to tune into non-verbal cues, which in turn gives you all the information you need to choose an empathic response. And elevated abilities in all three areas feeds into more effective communication abilities.

Eye-contact will naturally improve as you refocus your attention to the other person during active listening. As you become more aware of body language and posture, so you will become more aware of your own posture and strive to improve it. Better posture elevates your height, and by extension your confidence levels, which in turn opens up your chest and allows for better breathing, which allows for a better quality of sound in your voice.

When you're shy or anxious your breathing tends to become shallower and more quickened. This produces a quieter, higher pitched sound from your vocal cords, while slower deeper breathing from the abdomen will produce a richer more confident sound.

It's important to point out that shyness and social anxiety doesn't automatically mean a lack of social skills although they can act like a blanket, smothering your minds ability to function well in social settings. They can also be the underlying reason if you didn't get sufficient opportunities for your interpersonal skills to naturally develop in the first place.

Through the self-assessment techniques we talked about a few minutes ago you can begin to identify triggers that are firing your shyness or anxiety thought patterns, then take steps to address or avoid them. The following are three very effective and fast-acting approaches to resolving trapped emotions from past experiences that may be responsible for any present-day anxiety issues:

• Neuro Linguistic programming (NLP)
• Timeline therapy
• Eye movement desensitisation & reprocessing (EMDR)

There are resources that will enable you to self-apply techniques from any one of these three therapeutic approaches, however, the full effects that can be experienced through a one-on-one session with a practitioner will be hard to achieve through self-application. To balance things out then, the following are three approaches you can try by yourself:

• Relaxation Techniques - These could be deep breathing exercises, meditation, Tai chi, or progressive muscle relaxation.
• Hypnotherapy - There are plenty of hypnotherapy recordings available for you to relax to and allow your subconscious mind to be gently guided by.
• Negative Thoughts – It’s possible with practice to become an observer in your own mind and see the negative thoughts as they appear. From here you can challenge them and even change their identity.

In this podcast then we have discussed the importance of developing social skills and the benefits they can bring to your life. We have covered some self-assessment techniques and four key pillars of social skills development (although there are others), and we have seen how they are interdependent on each other. Finally, we have discussed how shyness and social anxiety can effect your social skills development, and covered three therapeutic approaches and three self-application approaches to counter them. 

Thanks for listening and I look forward to catching up with you again in the next episode.