The Social Skills Doctor Podcast

Is your brain processing power all it could be? Can you think on your feet and contribute to conversations, no matter what the subject? Having a blank mind in conversations can be unimaginably frustrating and embarrassing. Especially when your friends are all relaxed and talking away, but you are rigid and self-conscious, your mind blank, hoping attention doesn't shift to you for a contribution. What can equal this frustration, and make anxiety a self-fulfilling prophesy, is not knowing if you will be like this for the rest of your life.   Sticky plaster answers Naturally, you want answers to questions like these that are festering in your mind. So you read articles, and you post questions in forums and groups, but the responses always seem to come from either those who never experienced it, or those who don't really know. The result is, you get a collection of sticky plaster suggestions to practice, such as, 'ask open-ended questions to keep the other person talking', but you get no real life answers that will address the source of the problem - shyness or social anxiety.  That's why I decided to create my own answers. 
 


What causes the mind to go blank?

 Your mind going blank is the side effect of a safety mechanism in your head - the fight or flight response. This doesn't have to be a life-threatening situation, just something that leaves you feeling exposed, vulnerable, or under the spotlight. A social situation you don't have the tools, or social confidence to handle. Now your mind wants to get you out of there, so it starts diverting blood from non-essential areas of your body, and into your muscles, ready for sudden, explosive action. One of those areas is your higher cognitive functions. The result?- Your mind slows right down.  
How to stop your mind going blank in social situations

 When it comes to shyness and social anxiety, it's mostly a matter of breaking the chain that makes up your social timeline, and keeps you stuck in a pattern of anxiety responses: The past link: Your childhood mind got exposed to scenarios that conditioned it to respond in a defensive way. The present link: Your mind retreats and goes quiet in social situations  when attention is on it.The future link: Your self-esteem plummets and you work harder to avoid all but nessesary social interactions. Lacking in knowledge or life experiences, getting a blank mind in conversations, all contribute to low self-esteem and low confidence, but exposure therapy is not the immediate answer. So what is the answer, apart from get a better night sleep, start popping vitamin pills, and begin reading encyclopedias whilst going on a world trip? If anxiety is causing your mind to close up, it's time to train it to stay relaxed.If your mind is lacking life experiences, knowledge, talking points, it's time to fill it up.If your mind muscle is weak through lack of exercise, it's time to give it a workout.If your mind is lost and not stimulated by life, it's time to feed it a life-changing hobby.   Quotes - genius vitimins for the mind Everybody loves seeing and reading a good quote image in their social media scroll, but for most, thats where it ends. This is like being handed one of those super smoothies, complete with spirulina and wheatgrass, then only taking one sip. Quotes are like little bitesize pieces of wisdom and humour, concieved by some of the greatest and funniest minds the human race ever produced. We should be devouring these quotes and letting their message take seed in our mind, so we become richer in the mind, and in our conversations.   Why are we not all doing this already? Quite simply, the idea of memorising, gives most of us flashbacks to those late nights, revising for exams. Only to discover we can't recall what it is we tried to learn. At least, not until several hours past its usefulness. If you're going to start learning quotes, it should be quick, easy, fun, and rewarding. In other words, what's the point in memorising quotes unless you can easily recall them, precisely when you want to use them in conversation? Problem is, the brain doesn't think in words...  The primary language of the brain Some years ago and somewhere in deepest darkest Africa, apparently, the human race got together and invented words and language. Or something like that anyway. As a consequence, we were now able to communicate with each other, instead of grunting and bashing each other. One little problem with this whole communication revolution however, is that our brains don’t process in words, they process feelings, imagery, and all it receives through the five senses. That’s why schools make us learn by tedious repetition, because hammering the information into our minds, over and over again, is the only way words can be retrieved from our memory - even a little bit. But this is time-consuming and unreliable. Introducing the technique of quotesnapping... You’ve probably not heard of quotesnap before, I like to think of it as a 3s full technicolour version of other mind exercises like crosswords or soduku. Quotesnapping is the ability to rapidly memorise quotes using your brains own primary language, so that we can recall them again whenever we like, and at the precise moment it becomes useful to us in conversations. Times that one quote by a hundred, or a thousand, and you will find yourself the secret genius in any room.  A journey of a thousand quotes, begins with the first image There are two aspects to becoming a Quotesnapper: 1. Memorising quotes2. Rapidly recalling them (when you want them) The fastest and most effective way to memorise your first quote, is to work with the primary language of the brain, and turn it into an image. Let's take an example: To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other - Jack Handey What a great quote right? Especially if you find yourself in a casual conversation about boxing, but you don't have the first idea about this conversational topic. This happens all the time in daily life.  Normally, you wouldn't be able to contribute, so you would remain quiet, and feign interest by asking some questions from time to time. But when you are a Quotesnap genius, the moment the topic of boxing arises, your mind makes an instant connection to the visual image you created for your quote. In this case, the image you create, might look something like a ballet where the dancers suddenly descend into a fist fight. Or your image might look like a boxing match where the fighters suddenly start pirruetting around each other. Either way, you have a seriously memorable image that you could easily recall the quote from. But the best part? you don't have to try and force a recall of this quote like you were in a stressful exam, when your brain recognises a match between a conversation topic, and a memory quote image, it automatically pops that image into your mind like magic.   Quotesnap can do many things for you, including: Strengthening your mind through this powerful visual mental exerciseSharpening your focus and attentionSpeeding up your memory and recall abilities All these, combined with the new ideas that a wealth of world class quotes can introduce into your mind, and belief system, can indeed give birth to a creative genius. Having a world of quotes, not so much at the tips of your fingers, but on the tip of your tongue, ready for use in any current topic conversation turns to, is just a very happy secondary benifit.  Cautionary note
 
 By itself, Quotesnap will not make you a great conversationalist, or give you great social skills. but it will put you on the path, and give you the kinds of options in conversation that is not available to many people.
 
 Just remember to put quotes into your own words, so they sound more authentically like your own thoughts and opinions, rather than reciting a verbatum.
 
 Allow me to leave you with this quote from Winston Churchill:
 
 The empires of the future, will be the empires of the mind.
  

 

Thank you for listening, this has been the disruptive social skills podcast. Be sure to subscribe to us in Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or anywhere all good podcasts can be found so you don’t miss the next episode. To find out more about Lifeconfidents world exclusive programs such as quotesnap university, or the super socialiser method, visit lifeconfident dot com. Thanks for listening, I’ve been Richard Gray, and you’ve been amazing.

When you think about it, stage fright is the most irrational fear in the world, after all, what is public speaking other than one human being talking to another human being...

For anyone who has suffered from Shyness or Social Anxiety Disorder, stage fright can be even more debilitating, and lead to a point where you hit rock bottom. When this happens, you either feel yourself sinking into the abyss of acceptance for a reduced quality of life, or you find a springboard...


In my mid-twenties I was asked to be best man at a wedding, I accepted it as an opportunity for the ultimate exposure therapy, and to test a newfound confidence I was feeling. Inevitably though, the big moment of speeches arrived, and what would be turn out to be the most humiliating rock bottom moment in my life. Luckily for me, I found a springboard...

Rehearsals


You see, I had recently been learning some memory techniques to overcome a blank mind in social situations. Coupled with this, and multiple viewings of a then just released film: 'Four weddings and a funeral', I was sure I could pull of a version of Hugh Grants charmingly bumbling best man speech.


I crafted my own speech (leaving out the sheep), and rehearsed it over the next few months. It was a good speech and confidence began to sculpt my body and mind. After this wedding, I was going to be a new person, and confident performer. New life here I come.


In the week leading up to the wedding, some fears began to creep in as the uninvited social phobia tenant in my head, grew restless. In the final hours, just about all the effects of my fledgling confidence had worn off, leaving me to imagine the worst possible scenarios unfolding, i.e. forgetting my speech...


The Speech


The moment had arrived, the grooms’ father had just finished his speech and now it was my turn. I stood up before a crowded reception of suited and booted strangers, my hands shaking and body saturated in adrenaline.


Against all self-expectation, my opening joke went down very well, and if this had been a Hollywood movie, I would have relaxed into my speech, discarded the bullet point notes tightly clutched in my badly shaking hand, and put professional performers like Mr Hugh Grant to shame.


However, this wasn't a Hollywood movie and I didn't relax. Quite the opposite, chronic stage fright set in as my worst fears unfolded in real time, and my mind went blank. The bullet point prompts I had come equipped with, may as well have been written in Klingon...


The aftermath


What must all those people have thought of me? At best I had managed to choke out about a third of my speech, but as it came to a faltering end, the final nail in the coffin, was hearing someone quietly murmur; 'Is that it?'


Those three words were all the feedback I needed, to confirm I had not only delivered a poor speech and let my friend down, but also delivered a hammer blow to my dreams of a confident new future.


The next day I felt anger and frustration like never before. With my teens and most of my twenties now behind me, I wanted to burn the world to the ground. Instead, that anger fuelled a growing determination to make my shyness irrelevant, and fight those anxiety issues.


It turned out to be a fifteen year journey into self development, from Kung-fu to public speaking courses. Hypnotism to NLP and so much more. I arrived at the point of publishing my first educational book, aimed at helping people experiencing a blank mind on their driving theory tests.


I soon found myself being invited on to the public speaking circuit of advanced drivers groups. The difference to my best man speech performance, was like night and day...


Why do you get nervous when presenting?


Whether it's a wedding speech, or being on stage giving a presentation, this is you standing in front of a crowd of people whom you don't know, and experiencing multiple performance anxiety symptoms. All because the primeval reptilian part of your brain is firing off flight/fight messages.


Your heart rate increases as you look out at a sea of people looking back. Waiting. Panic rises as your brain pumps adrenaline into your system, ready for sudden action.

Some symptoms of stage fright:

• Shaking hands from the excess of adrenaline
• Shallow breathing as you rapidly oxygenate your blood
• Cheeks burn as you overheat
• Perspiration from trying to cool you back down
• Your mind going blank as your brain diverts resources from your higher functions, into your muscles

 Speaking in social groups is a different proposition to being in front of a crowd, but the nerves can be just as debilitating when the spotlight of attention falls on you. Perhaps your hands don't shake, but the same fight flight response will have your mind closing up for business just as quickly.

Why do you fear to speak in public?


The brain was wired for survival in a much harsher world than todays. You should reasonably expect to be safe from attack when giving a speech, unless you are insulting someone's mother...


So you brain must be responding to a different kind of fear, such as a fear for loss of reputation, status, security etc. In my wedding speech, my brain was clearly fearing loss of reputation and humiliation through my mind going blank.

How can you be confident on stage?


1. Commit - first and foremost, once you know it's definately happening - commit to it fully. This means ridding your mind of all ideas you could find an excuse to back out at some point. All this does is anchor your mind in negativity.


2. Breathe - Being in the spotlight can be a little like walking across a very high narrow bridge, look down and your brain panics. When this happens your breathing becomes shallow and rapid. This also causes your voice to go quiet, so take interval moments, and just pause to breathe deeply.  


3. Pep talk - remind yourself you are actually not the centre of attention, you are just the conduit. Nobody is coming to see you, they are only coming to hear what you have to say. Nobody cares about you or your stage fright, they only care about what you can tell and teach them.


4. Visualise - Sounds a bit new age right? but it's all about convincing your mind that a positive outcome is going to occur. It works for athletes so it will work for you too. Visualise people laughing, applauding, nodding along with interest, or whatever outcome you want from them.


5. Preparation - nothing will give you more confidence than knowing your subject. Imposter syndrome thrives on a fear you will be challenged on something you said, or asked follow up questions which you can't answer.


6. Memory - there are some memory techniques like the chain method that can be a great help to the continuity of your speech. These work so well because you are working with the primary language of your own brain. 


7. Energy - In the hours leading up to a speech or presentation, any negativity and fear in your mind can cloud your body language. So if you can find a discreet place, reverse the flow by doing some star jumps. This will bring up your energy and flush your mind.


8. Lie - No matter what you do, you will feel some nerves prior to performing. If they are too much, you can take the edge off by lying to your brain. Tell yourself the anxiety sensations, you are experiencing, are for an event that is taking place AFTER your speech. Trust me, it really does have an effect.


An exception to these points


All these points, when combined, should enable you to control your anxieties, and go on to give a successful speech or presentation. If however, you have social anxiety, then it’s strongly recommended you complete some therapy or a program such as the Mental health masterplan before going ahead.


When I did that best man speech all those years ago, fired up by some memory techniques, I had completely under-estimated the power of my subconscious to rise up, and effortlessly overpower my conscious preparation.


Exposure therapy can be the worst advice in the world when done prematurely. When you have strong shyness or social anxiety programs running in your head, throwing yourself in at the deep end of socialising or public speaking, will often do more damage than good.


Thank you for listening, this has been the disruptive social skills podcast. Be sure to subscribe to us in Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or anywhere all good podcasts can be found so you don’t miss the next episode. To find out more about Lifeconfidents world exclusive programs such as the social and emotional intelligence masterclass, or the mental health masterplan, visit www.lifeconfident.com. Thanks for listening, I’ve been Richard Gray, and you’ve been amazing.

Confidence breeds successful people, it creates an umbrella of security in knowing that whatever challenges you face in life, you have the drive and the confidence to overcome it. People are drawn to a self-confident person like they are drawn to other positive mindset characteristics such as optimism, energy, decisiveness, leadership... When you have the quality of confidence, others can sense it in your body language, in your manner, in your self-assuredness, and they will be attracted to you, either to work and collaborate, or to shelter under your umbrella. In this article I won't waste your time with ten empty calorie little confidence tips, you can get those with any internet search. Instead, I will give you the roadmap to confidence itself, with the only three steps you will ever need to know, in order to build your confidence day by day.
 


Putting things into perspective

British scientists were recently able to reconstruct the body of a man that lived ten thousand years ago. They promptly called him Cheddar man - after the place where his bones were discovered. Through DNA mapping, they could determine his, and his ancestor’s origins. Even his skin colour. Did Cheddar man ever in his life imagine himself getting reconstructed ten thousand years in the future? Probably not, he would have been too preoccupied with the immediacy of survival and comfort. He probably wouldn't have been concerned about a little embarrassment. If generations ten thousand years from now dig up your body, and read your DNA like a book of your life, what will it tell them? You still have the power to decide... My point is, all beliefs about yourself aside, if this is our one shot at life on earth, why are any of us wasting time handcuffing ourselves to limiting self-beliefs, and hiding our personality from others opinions?
 


How do i become confident - Step One (The Inner critic)

While our memory, or mind, may not be a lump of clay with grooves in it as Socrates once believed, it IS made up of neural pathways - created by the beliefs we have formed from our past experiences. When we have a bad experience, such as being humiliated in a social setting, it causes a memory to form with extra layers of negative emotion, so it stands out in our memory as a warning – just like if you burnt yourself on an iron, you would instinctively make avoidance behaviours around irons in the future. Now the brain has a learning point, and a learned strategy for dealing with all future similar situations - for the rest of your life. Just let that thought sink in for a moment... Imagine you had an accident on stage during a school play, and the whole school laughed. Twenty, thirty years later, your brain is still using that childhood experience to create avoidance behaviours in important adult situations. Like a well-trodden path through a forest, it is the neural pathways your brain repeatedly uses to access memories like these, that makes them more and more deeply defined with each use. What is most important to accept is that all those default behaviours, these 'lack of confidence' labels people give you such as quiet, shy, weak, a pushover, boring etc. all originate with those events and learning points that took place in the past. Your brain created a strategy to protect you at the time when you were a child, but your brain is still using that strategy in the adult world which will no longer be appropriate, and even detrimental to your progression in life. What you can start doing for yourself today, is challenging the advice echoed in your negative self-talk, the feelings, and the impulse messages your mind and body are sending to you in times where it would be to your advantage to speak up, or grasp an opportunity, rather than decline it. Over-ride those impulses, speak up, and to hell with the imagined consequences. Start small and condition yourself to going against the grain of your fear thoughts. This will be expanded in step two.
 


How do i become confident - Step Two (10% more than before)

When I was still a school boy, one of my friends was extremely clever with numbers. He was the best in our year with numbers, and perhaps the whole school, but he was shy and meek in character. We eventually lost touch before making contact again more than twenty years later. He was now living a single life, and working in a bank, as we both had always assumed he would. However, he was not the bank manager, nor was he working a position that anywhere near befitted his numerical intelligence. This likely came down to him standing back, while more outgoing characters took the prize roles and promotions. He was in the right environment, but he had let life dictate his standing within it. He was and is, living at effect, where his life is effected by, and shaped by what is or isn't given to him. If he had lived at cause, he would have taken more responsibility for his life, pro-actively stood up for himself, put himself forward for roles and promotions, made more effort to be noticed, and caused good fortune to happen by his own deliberate actions. The message here is that you simply have to embrace all the little daily opportunities to grow in confidence, and condition yourself to being a little bit more visible in every scenario. These can be the little things such: as: 

• walking down the street with 10% more purpose and upright body language.
• Holding eye contact 10% longer than you normally would
• Talking 10% more - Instead of just saying thanks to the barrister, the waitress etc. add 10% more words, such as a little compliment like: 'thanks, really great service'.
• Make small decisions 10% faster.
• Smile at others 10% more.

 


How do i become confident - Step Three (Future pacing)


 

Maybe we are wrong about Cheddar man, and perhaps he did think about the future. Not ten thousand years into the future, but to the next day, the next week or month. Before we learned to harvest wheat, man hunted for his food, so Cheddar man would have hoped for continued good health and a good or prominent standing within his group or community - if he was part of one... Imagining a better future for ourselves is a form of future pacing. Creating a vision board is another method. If you have heard of these things, but dismissed them, let's get clear on what future pacing is, and WHY you will definitely want to do it... First of all, future pacing is the concept of visualising your future self, the way you want to be today. If you are a shy person today, but you want to become a much more confident and outgoing person, then you imagine your future self acting confidently. That may sound nice, but it's just an exercise of the imagination and won't change anything in reality right? Well that depends on how well you do it, and with how much conviction. How can future pacing change your present?The answer all comes down to your brain. Your conscious mind, otherwise called the neo-cortex, is fully capable of lying, and does so on a regular basis. The subconscious however, is vastly more powerful than the conscious mind, but it doesn't have the ability to make judgments. The subconscious is the home of your beliefs. It carries out instructions, and runs programs like a computer. New programs can be created, and old programs can be changed, not only through the persuasion of others, but by your own persuasion. That's why future pacing is a great strategy if done correctly, because you can literally persuade your own mind that you are more confident than you currently are. To be successful at this, you first need to believe that future pacing can work. If you can accept that you can change your own mind, now you need to create a very specific vision of who you want to become. Within that vision of your future self - see, hear, and feel yourself acting, dressing, behaving confidently. If you want to be more confident, then the best way to begin this strategy is by closely studying someone else who is confident. Maybe this will be a friend, or videos of a confident person on youtube. Now you instill that vision of your future self with all those confidence qualities you observed, and you step into that vision. Be the vision, embrace it, and experience it with all your senses. It will take time to persuade your subconscious that the visions you are showing it, are based on reality, and not just some fantasy that you yourself don't believe in. Persist, and the seeds of change you are planting in your mind will grow and blossom. If your inner voice tries to talk you out of a confidence building action, challenge it and explain that it's just 10% more than before.
 

The three steps in sync
 

These three confidence steps represent the past, the present, and the future... The Past step one is where your inner critic advisor is pulling its child like, fear-driven, advice from. It fears the unknown, and will at all times be urgently coaching you out of taking a risk, and putting yourself out there. Be resolute with this step. Question and challenge the relevance of every fear thought, every delaying tactic, then build on it with step two. The Present step two is about moving the dial of your life further away from living at effect, and more towards cause. Little actions taken, in spite of your negative self-talk, will condition you gradually toward a positive new normal. Be committed with this step. When your inner voice is saying no, placate it and tell it that it's just 10% more than before. The Future step three is a counter to the past step one. This step replaces shyness avoidance behaviours with a vision of confidence, and confident body language. Negative self talk with positive self talk. By bringing all your senses into creating a confident vision of who you desire to be, who you fully intend to become, perhaps one year from now, you are coaching yourself more and more to a life of cause. Be specific with this step. See, hear, and feel everything you will be able to do, see, and feel once you are that confident person - and put a specific date on when you will arrive.

So here’s the thing, you could go on the internet and a simple search would bring up hundreds of conversation starter questions, but many will stall a conversation rather than fire it up. The four-question sequence I will reveal in this episode, packs more fire power than all others put together... Conversations with new people can be a very anxious experience, especially when you want to make a good impression. So it's important to begin by distinguishing the difference between an ice-breaker, and a conversation starter. Let's rewind right to the beginning of a conversation and take a fly-on-the-wall overview. If you are approaching a stranger at a function, or social event, then you wouldn't be jumping in with a conversation starter such as: What, for you, is the most annoying habit someone can have? In real life, what you're really going to say is something boring such as: 'Hi, great weather we're having.' Or, 'The flower arrangements are stunning'. Or some other mundane, superficial observation, based on the environment you're in . And that's Okay... Ice-breakers will usually be closed questions that can be answered with a single word response. They are only meant to let the other person know you are open for talking, not to showcase your interestingness :) Why conversation starters are more likely to StallWe can get more interesting later on if things progress, so lets fast forward beyond that first exchange, and say you are now on a first date. You really want to give the best impression of yourself by making some sparkling conversation. There are two big fears at this point: 

• the spectre of the awkward silence.
• coming across as boring.

 The ice has already been broken, so you pull the trigger on one of those conversation starters you memorised from the internet, before coming out. Let's try our earlier example and see how it works now: What, for you, is the most annoying habit someone can have? Answer version 1.Your date replies that she doesn't like people who pick their nose in public. Discreetly you return your hand to the table, and furiously think about how to respond. But your mind is blank so the conversation stalls. Answer version 2.Your date gives the same answer, then she bounces the same question back to you. Did you think that far ahead and prepare your answer? You may have several pet peeves. You share one. She nods her head disinterestedly. The conversation grinds to a halt. Problem 1.Talking about bad habits sets a negative tone, and creates negative images in your dates mind. Problem 2.You didn't put any threads into your reply, so your date had nowhere to go with your response. For example: Let's say your pet peeve is men dressing badly. Well that's a dry statement of your peeve, but if you really want this conversation starter to go somewhere, then you need to give your date something to work with, such as giving some examples. Let's try that answer again: 'I don't like when men dress badly. Especially when they are abroad and acting as ambassadors for their own country. Or, take Adam Sandler for instance, he wears shorts and a tee shirt at film premiers and award ceremonies when all the other actors have made an effort.' Now you've had a bit of a rant, at least you added some threads into your reply that your date could tug on. Such as the man abroad angle. The Adam Sandler angle... However, any conversation starter that sets you off on a rant, is not a good one. That's not to say there aren't good ones out there. Just make sure: a. Your conversation topics have a positive tone.b. You are prepared for answering the same question yourself.c. Your reply gives the other person something to work with. The four magic questions sequence, takes the whole conversation opener proposition to a new, more powerful level. The only risk with using these, is peaking too early. So it may be savvy to save them until you have ordered dinner, and some of the early date tension has melted.

The Four Magic Question Sequence
Next, I will present you with the questions and invite you to note of your own answers before going any further. That way, when you can compare your own answers to the meanings, you will then use them yourself with more authenticity. Why? simply because you will became a believer in the eerie accuracy of the meaning behind each question. Question 1.Imagine you are in a white room, everything around you is white, how do you feel? Question 2.What is your favourite colour? How does it make you feel when you think of it? Question 3.What is your favourite animal, and what qualities do you see it as having? Question 4.You are on the beach, no one else is around and the ocean is in front of you, what do you do? If you plan to use these questions yourself, it's now important you answer them for yourself - BEFORE you look at the meanings. Have you done that? Great. Lets now look at those meanings now: The meaning to question 1.The answer to question one signifies how the other person feels about death, dying, and mortality. The meaning to question 2.The answer signifies how the other person see's themselves. The meaning to question 3.The answer signifies how the other persons friends view them. The meaning to question 4.The answer signifies how the other person views love. Now, if you pause again and just see how your own responses resonate to these meanings, it becomes quite apparent, how much personal information the other person may be unwittingly revealing about themselves. If they chose to play along.

An ethical consideration
Until you reveal the meaning behind each question, your date will still be in the dark about where you are going with all this. They are a little intrigued, a little curious, and in the palm of your hand. Figuratively speaking. When you reveal the meaning to each question, they will be wowed, and a little shocked by just how much information they have revealed about their character. Information they may well not have been ready to reveal if you had just asked outright. With that in mind, you should always be up front and open that the answers they give, are likely to reveal deep character insights. In all probability they will not really believe you, or their curiosity will overcome any reticence. Either way, you cannot later be accused of not giving them fair warning. Now the conversation is warm, and multiple lines of conversation have been opened up. Final note, the best conversations always take place on a level playing field, so be sure to share with your date, YOUR responded to these questions when you first heard them here :)

Can You Overcome Shyness? (The Five Biggest Shyness Questions Answered)

If you're young you may be wondering if girls like shy guys, or how you can overcome being shy. As you grow a little older you begin wondering if shyness will ever go away with age. As a person approaching his fiftieth birthday, I've lived all these questions and concerns about shyness and social anxiety. I'm going to give you the answers straight, but here's the catch, they come from my real experiences of shyness, not from studies, theories, zero-order correlations, longitudinal predictions of parent-rated shyness, teacher-rated shyness etc. In order to answer your questions and concerns on this matter meaningfully and without any distracting study variables, I'm going to do it through the context of a personal story. For me, life began as a very outgoing and somewhat rebellious child. No shy behaviours here!!! I often played the class clown and got lots of laughs, as well as invitations to visit the headmaster. Oops. But underlying it all was something darker. Something about me that the other children didn't understand or relate to. By age twelve I was becoming much more self-aware of that undefinable difference as it built transparent wall between me and my peers, brick by self-consuming brick. A wall that no amount of clowning around could knock down. At age fourteen I had no social skills, and an extreme shyness that meant talking to girls felt like the equivalent of bench pressing an A380 Airbus. My parents had just moved us from the north of England to the south, where my northern accent stood out in my new school like an angry goat in an upper class tea shop. That was unfortunate because I had just developed a crush on a girl that would change everything. For her part, she must have been aware of my interest in her, although it was not down to me actually telling her. A million stolen glances must have been a big clue though. Or perhaps it was the card I gave her with a picture of a lion on it and the words - 'I would be lion if I said I didn't love you...' I know! I know! You don't need to tell me. But for her part, she tolerated, and maybe even basked in my teenage adoration without ever encouraging it. Then one day, things took a very surprising turn. After finishing my morning paper round early one morning, I found myself arriving at school an hour early. And there she was, leaning against a lamp post outside the school, cutting a lonely figure as she waited for it to open. My heartbeat raced. It's easy to avoid direct conversation, or be a silent listener, when others are doing all the talking. Now it was just me and her and no way of avoiding some interaction. I parked my bike up and, with adrenaline laden legs, I approached her and made a greeting. The winds of time deny me remembering what I actually said, but I can assure you of this dear reader, it didn't go much beyond a basic 'Hi'. So there we stood in seemingly companionable silence, until other kids began trickling along, and the school gradually wound into life. But that was not to be the end of this story... Out of curiosity, the next morning, I did my thirty minute cycle to school, ensuring I again arrived an hour early, just to see if she would be there. She was. A beautiful mystery-shrouded model with the sleeves of her royal blue uniform jumper pushed up to her shoulders to expose the full length white sleeves of her school shirt beneath. No one else wore their uniform this way. That was her style alone... Cue heart-fluttering degrees of anxiety, and an instant brain fog as I joined her at the lamp post once more. That was how close I was to this sapphire jewel. The girl I imagined spending the rest of my life with. The girl I could not speak to or even look at directly. Not least because we were back to back.
And so the scene was set for the next two years, come rain or shine, summer or winter of the years 1986 to 1988. One hour in her exclusive company every morning when time and tide would suspend itself for us. Nobody else, no smart phones, no conversation, just us... I could have talked to her about anything. About the paper round I did before arriving each morning, and how I had to use my bike as a barrier against a dozen devil dogs, blood thirsty for the flesh of a paper boy, and no adults around to tell them no. I could have told her a million anecdotes about myself, such as the morning I got run over while walking to junior school one day, and me trying to get up and carry on going to the shock of the car driver. I could have told her about the day I arrived at that same school to find a crowd of kids waiting for me. Only to discover my older brother had arrived earlier and told everyone I had shaven off all my hair. I should have asked many questions about her, and why she always turned up an hour early to school. I know why I did, but not why she did. Did she have problems at home? There was a little child shyness about her, but nothing in my league. Neither was she withdrawn or unhappy that I could tell. But then I never asked. I never asked what her plans and dreams were for the future. I didn't ask any of the questions you ask somebody you want to learn all about. The most surprising part was that she didn't stop turning up early now that she wasn't alone anymore. These are the kind of regrets of a shy person. Lifelong regrets for letting that special person get away. For the moments and opportunities you don't take advantage of, and have those conversations. All because of a temporary fear of embarrassment. Those opportunities came to me in abundance - and I squandered every last one. I carried her picture in my wallet for the next five years after leaving school and home at sixteen. Through a five-year journey into alcoholism, drugs, and bad company. But there she still was, like some distant guardian angel, until another girl drifted into my life for a short time and removed her picture from my wallet. It took another five years for me to fully waste that ten year period of life that most people will consider there best. That time when you're young and schooling is just finished. Your commitments and responsibilities are few or none. The world is at your feet and anything seems possible.  Ten years to hit rock bottom before I found a new journey of self-development, and so began the fight back. So here's my answers to some of the questions you may have about your own shyness concerns and regrets...

The Five Most Asked Shyness Questions
Question 1: Is being shy attractive? Answer: 80% No. While some will find your shyness to be a charming element of your personality, it can't be the whole package. If it is, you are likely to find yourself in the friend zone, or in an unbalanced relationship. One where your partner has all the power, and you feel more like a pet that can be quarantined, or given away any you become inconvenient. Whether you are a boy or a girl, your potential future partners will always be more attracted to confidence than shyness. Deep in the ancient instinctive part of our brains (the part where the fight or flight response lives), we all know that a confident partner will be more of an asset to our chances of survival and success, than a shy partner. Question 2: Are we born shy?
Answer: 80% No. This question implies that if we are, then there is nothing we can do about our shyness. So, you are either asking because you want to know if you can change your life, or you are looking for a lifelong excuse. In other words, you are looking to absolve yourself of responsibility when opportunities are wasted. I hope you are asking for the former reason, because the answer is no.  No, you weren't born with shyness, you didn't even become self-aware until the age of around one. Some will dispute this, and there may well be markers in your DNA that make it more challenging for you to be outgoing. Or you may just be a natural introvert. But ultimately, it's your environment, your role models, and your peers that influenced how your shyness behaviours developed.  Question 3: Does shyness go away with age?Answer: No. Shyness does not go away with age, it simply becomes your behavioural furniture. In other words, you just get so used to living your life a certain way, at some point you stop trying, and make it your comfort zone. You accept this is who you are, this is the way things are, these are my limitations. Whether that's an acceptable outcome for you is a personal choice. But you're still with me which means you are still up for the fightback, and I’m happy about that. Speaking personally, I never thought shyness was an acceptable status quo. Some however, will insist there's nothing wrong with being shy. Just as some overweight people will say that's just fine too. But both these things come with restrictions, whether that's on your health or on your life opportunities. And to be clear, I am only against accepting those restrictions that are in our power to reduce, or remove entirely.  Question 4: Can you overcome being shy?Answer: 80% Yes. At this moment in time, it may feel like shyness is so much a part of who you are, that to be any other way would be impossible. So, if shyness doesn't go away naturally over time, the next natural question is - then how? You can of course try faking it til you make it, but if you ever tried that approach, you will know you are only lying to yourself. If your shyness is fairly mild, then just getting out there and talking more (just like your friends are always telling you to do) may help. But you're not listening to me because you have a mild case... I have spent more than twenty years pushing the boundaries of self-development, and creating the tools to remove them. So while my answer is a resounding yes, you can overcome shyness (or more accurately), take charge of it, you will likely still have 20% residual shyness in your personality - and that's more than okay.  Question 5: What is the difference between shyness and social anxiety? Before asking any of these previous questions, do you know for sure that you are shy? The line, or distinction, is often blurred between introversion, shyness, and social anxiety. It's easy to think you were born shy, and therefore there's nothing you can do about it. But actually, you may simply be an introvert who can function happily and comfortably without the need for the attention, or approval, of others. Shyness defines itself more clearly from introversion with varying intensities of self-consciousness, and an impulse to avoid attention or embarrassment. The line again blurs between shyness and social anxiety. The latter comes with bigger teeth and a wider variety of behavioural triggers, the further along the scale you go. If you are not sure where you lie between shyness and social anxiety, then in the simplest terms, if you are driven to avoid attention by being quiet in company, then you are shy. If you are driven to avoid company and social interactions, as well as the attention, then you may have social anxiety. You can take a very simple three-question test known as the Mini SPIN (Social Phobia Inventory) assessment developed by Dr. Jonathan Davidson of Duke University. 

The Mini-SPIN is generally used by doctors as a 'first step' screening process for social anxiety disorder

Thank you for listening, this has been the disruptive social skills podcast. Be sure to subscribe to us in Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or anywhere all good podcasts can be found so you don’t miss the next episode. To find out more about Lifeconfidents world exclusive programs such as the mental health masterplan, the small talk masterkeys program, or to try the mini SPIN screener, visit www.lifeconfident.com. Thanks for listening, I’ve been Richard Gray, and you’ve been amazing.

When every conversation feels like a car crash, sometimes the only way to move forward is to go back and learn your blind spots.
We have all been stuck with a conversation partner who is droning away, adrift in the memory images of their story, seemingly oblivious that your brain cells are committing suicide.
Either you don’t have any particular interest in what they are saying, you can’t identify with it, or the speaker forgot to give you context. You would like at they very least to ask a question, but they are just not stopping for breath.
I have just described my experiences of an older work colleague, the type of person who would frequently launch into rambling stories without first setting the scene. A bit like reading a book without the benefit of a synopsis.
This person was hitting number four on the following seven blind spots of what makes a bad conversationalist.
A real conversation takes place on a level playing field
Becoming aware of our faults will provide a small, but immediate improvement to our social skills, purely for having recognised them, and raised them into our conscious awareness. Going forward, we can then work to turn our blind spots into shining points of light in our personality.
Now we have set the scene i.e. that improving our conversational skills is not always about learning a new communication skill, but how to improve the existing ones. We will take a 360 degree look at a regular conversation, and highlight five typical blind spots, one or both parties are guilty of:

Five blind spots of a boring conversationalist

1. Guarded
During the introductions and initial exchange, a guarded person only gives the most basic personal information. There could be multiple reasons for this such as:

• You may be in a negotiation type conversation
• You may not trust people until you get to know them
• You may be insecure about yourself and the type of work you do

What this first blind spot comes down to primarily, is a lack of trust in your conversational partners. This will almost definitely be due to bad previous experiences. But to turn them into life lessons, where the lesson is that all new people cannot be trusted!!! will limit all future interactions.
Like the Buddha may have once said:
Holding on to anger (or trust issues) is like holding a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at somebody - you are the only one that gets burned.
2. Superficial
This one is very pertinent for people with a lack of conversational experience and confidence. This may have arisen from a background of shyness and social anxiety. The biggest handicap of which, is a self-limiting, stunted social life.
Small talk, or introductory talk, starts with the superficial, i.e. the good old weather, or something in your environment. If you are one of the many people who hate small talk, it may be because your conversations never go any further.
When someone comments on a shared interest, or something trivial in the environment, the blind spot is not that you, or they, are asking boring questions - the blind spot is turning that ice breaker as the main subject.
For example:
At a dinner party, wedding reception, or seminar, someone asks how you know the host, speaker, bride etc. (a great question), but that leads to an exchange that gets stuck in a loop about that other person.
When somebody opens with a superficial comment, what they are really saying to you, is that they are open for a conversation. That’s their only purpose. Nothing more.
3. Quiet
When someone raises a new topic, you may feel like you need to make a critical or really interesting comment. This is why you sometimes see sparkling (or more likely), really vitriolic online debates and comment threads, sparked by a controversial article or comment.
The participants in such exchanges have time to think about their responses, maybe even research them first before firing their humdinger back out into the world.
This is one reason why texting became so popular (not so people could unleash their darker side), but because you can think about your replies in a way you can't in a real conversation.
So, when the motor skills of the brain don't work fast enough to come up with a great reply, the blind spot is to play it safe by staying silent. The irony of course, is that your silence is more boring than a boring reply.
4. Self-involved
The self involved person brings a very contrasting experience to the conversational table than the quiet person, but usually no less boring.
Most of us have that one trigger interest or soap box cause that can set us off. Others just seem to have a million stories or opinions just waiting to burst out of them.
And it’s a wonderful thing to have such a fertile mind with lots of material. Unfortunately, that material can be a bit like a theme park for the self involved person to get lost in.
And because their stories and opinions are so entertaining and important (at least to them), they think it must be to the listener also. And as a bonus, they think they are an excellent conversationalist because they can talk so much.
The blind spots here are:

• Not being able to tell a story without excessive padding, repetition, or an initial hook of interest.
• Not being socially intelligent enough to tell when you are losing attention.
• Not waiting for permission to launch into the story in the first place.

This latter may be okay with a friend, but not with a new person. You can let it be known you have a story, or a strong opinion etc. then wait for the other person to provide the prompt i.e. 'Oh tell me more about that...'
5. Negative energy
This comes in three levels of N. That is Negative, Neutral, and Nothing. Negative energy can just be a one off moan when you just need to get something off your chest. Friends will accommodate these valve releases, but it's not for a new person.
Stepping it up, negative energy can also come in the form of gossip which is used for bonding. But gossip is often negative centric, and will ultimately leave a bad taste.
When negativity becomes a habitual way of thinking, your mind has now become conditioned to looking for the negative slant on any new situation or information. Somebody announces an achievement and you marginalise it. For example:

• Big deal, anybody could have done that with a little practice.
• They probably did something bad to achieve that status.
• Why are they telling everybody? What makes them think we care?

Human beings are hopeful and aspirational by nature. When that turns negative, it's usually because of personal failure, or jealousy at the success of others. People want, and crave, to be inspired by, and to associate with positive, aspiring people, not to have their energy drained by the negative, who are craving a twisted kind of sympathy instead.
Neutral energy is shaped by insecurity and lack of worth, wrapped up in self-doubt. This makes a person bland with thoughts like:
'I haven’t had any interesting life experiences, formed any strong opinions, committed to any cause, developed any passions, or formed any strong beliefs… 

The opinions I have, are borrowed from others. They sound good but they are not formed out of my own experiences or ideas. If I voice them and get challenged, I won’t be able to support my position.

I don't want to be made to feel small or exposed as stupid, so I will keep these opinions to myself and just be agreeable with those of others.'
The bland person just needs to move up one level on the assertiveness scale to bring that inner voice out. Learn more about the five levels of assertiveness here.
Nothing energy is the absence of passion. If you haven't found your niche in life, if you haven't found any hobbies, activities, or people to get passionate about, then no passion will shine through into your words.
A lack of passion or spark of interest, translates into:

• A monotone speaking voice
• Low speaking volume
• Low eye contact
• Disinterested body language

Conclusion

People are inspired by people who are passionate about what they are talking about. Just as they will feel good in the company of a positive person, they will feel bored in the company of a negative person, once their empathy has been drained.
It might be easy to get lost in the fine balancing act of what, and who you may need to become, in order not to be boring. So the reality check is that everybody is boring to somebody, some of the time...

It is a common theme that people in the public eye, who are charismatic and funny for a living, are bores in private. So, there is no specific benchmark we should all be striving for, merely more of a self-awareness and perhaps a healthy ten percent improvement to our social skills.
I'm Richard Gray, Founder of Lifeconfident.com where we focus on melting away shyness and social anxiety, building skyscraper confidence, and developing cloud-bursting social skills. Thank you for reading.

If you are struggling with eye contact, chances are you are struggling in many other areas of your social life too. So, if the eyes really are the windows of the soul, in this this episode we will pull back the curtains to examine the five levels, and revealing the one to aspire to...
In my nearly fifty years of life, the last twenty of which have been dedicated to personal development, I can define my descent into a world of shyness and social anxiety by two incidents of eye contact.


The first was at the age of six. I was still a very confident and outgoing child when I let my friend in on a secret game I used to play, where I would challenge myself to hold my gaze with others until they looked away first.


In child parlance this would be called a staring contest, but in this instance, I was the only one playing. As soon as others would look away, then I too would divert my gaze.


Fast forward by about fifteen years to the second memory. By now I was a shadow of my former self, shyness and social anxiety had eaten away all my confidence.


I had left school and home by the age of sixteen without any qualification, and now I was alone in the world and working in a shop. My co-worker turned out to be a wife beater, to say I had poor adult role models was an understatement. But that's a different story...


Whilst standing behind the counter one day, looking down and wrapping something for a customer, I suddenly sensed her leaning over until her face was at the same level as my gaze, she looked me in the eyes and forced me to look back as she straightened up.


By this time, being able to look people in the eyes, let alone have staring contests, was long behind me. I felt humiliated and angry by what she had just done. But for her part, she didn't know me or my issues, she just wanted her respect, her acknowledgement.


This incident very much defines the first level of eye-contact, so let's take a look at the different levels now:


Level One: Eye-contact anxiety (10%- Contact)


Barring any conditions such as autism, or cultural differences, if youre struggling badly with eye contact it’s it’s for neither of these reasons, chances are you have eye contact anxiety.


At this level, low confidence and conditioning makes you feel less equal than others, feelings like being a child in an adult world where you would naturally behave subserviently to the grownups. This feeling is also known as imposter syndrome.


After a few seconds, it can feel like the other person is looking directly into your soul and learning too much about you - too quickly. Like a hostile foreign power downloading all your defence secrets.


When we realise what is happening, our heart rate increases as the fight/flight response is triggered, causing our gaze to take flight from that of the other person.


Where that flight ends up, is usually on, or near, the ground, somewhere near the level where your self-esteem lives. 


Level Two: Scattered (30% Contact)


At level one, avoiding mutual eye contact is such a habitual thing, that you're barely aware of it. Even to the extent of walking down the street without ever taking your eyes off the ground. But at level two, you are consciously aware of your own eye contact avoidance behaviours.


Being consciously aware is the key difference here because you know that frequent eye contact is a valuable communication skill, so you consciously try to increase it.


But trying to hold that direct eye contact for more than those initial few seconds, can feel like two magnets repelling. And it can feel impossible to maintain that direct gaze when someone elses attention is directly on you.


There can be two reasons why an someones attention is scattered. Either they are not interested in talking to you, and want to find someone else to come to their rescue, or they are also struggling to maintain effective eye contact with you.


If the other person is playing hide and seek with their eye contact, and you want to know which reason it is, look to the rest of their body language, because low confidence leaks out through multiple body language cues. 


Level Three: Conscious control (50% Contact)


At this level, you make good eye contact with people when you are speaking, and you can hold it for short periods of time. Not too short, not too long so you don't come across as awkward, shy, creepy, aggressive, or any of that good stuff.


You even throw in some head nods and a positive facial expression or two.


The problem is, a thousand books and articles told you how difficult it is to get the right balance. and how you will be condemned as rude, arrogant, timid etc if you are off by a second or so. 


The result is become paranoid at measuring out the right levels of eye gaze to the speaker, how and where to look on their face (didn’t you read somewhere that you’re supposed to imagine their eyes as an inverted triangle and then look somewhere in there?), and while all this paranoid churn is going around in your mind your attention to what they are actually saying, is now more compromised than a politicians promise.


Level Four: Eye contact rapport (70% Contact)


You are at the optimal level of mutual gaze with people, and you are here because you’re no longer calculating the percentages, or worrying about sending out shy or creep vibes. You occupy level four because you are confident, and confidence doesn't worry about the opinions of others. 


Instead of judging when to look away, a well-developed emotional intelligence allows you to become attuned with the other person so you can converse with rapport.


Eye contact rapport can best be visualised as a casual tennis match warmup.


If the other person is lobbing the ball for long leisurely bouts of eye contact, you match them.


If they are hitting from mid court, or closer to the net for shorter bouts of eye contact, match them.


If the other person drops their gaze quite frequently, you instinctively drop your own gaze more often, to ensure they don't feel dominated. (save that for the real game of tennis :)


By using eye contact rapport, you will no longer have a problem with cultural differences. Should you find yourself in Japan for instance, where direct eye contact can be interpreted as rude, by naturally mirroring your japanese hosts, you will have no problems.


A good conversation takes place on a level playing field, and if you are approximately mirroring the other person in their eye contact, they will feel more comfortable in your company. And that's the essence of mirroring.


Level Five: Epoxy eyes (90%+ Contact)


I came across the term 'epoxy eyes' many years ago, and from a published author who had achieved a good level of credibility. Which is what made this strategy all the more appalling.


As epoxy eyes suggests, this means gluing your gaze onto that of the other person, and not taking it off again until the conversation is done. 


At this level, you are no longer confidently operating at a subconscious level, you are not operating with any social or emotional intelligence, you are consciously and aggressively trying to dominate the other person.


How not to improve your eye-contact


Okay, so dancing on the flippant side of life here, but also with all seriousness: Stop reading any more hints and tips articles about eye contact, such as the following tip I recently came across...

'In North America, you should look at people for 3-5 seconds at a time if you want to look confident, less appears more timid, more appears aggressive. If you're not sure how long 3 seconds is, try counting 1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi, 3-Mississippi in your head.'


OMG right?  As we discussed at level three, the more consumed you become by thinking about how long to look, where to look, how to look etc. the less conscious attention you will have left over to actually hear what the other person is saying.


And whatever attention you DO have spare, is probably going to get eaten up by the paranoia of how other people are apparently judging you when, inevitably, you mess up on those damned Mississippi’s. 


How to really improve your eye contact


What came first, the confidence or the eye contact? The two are linked, low confidence means low eye contact. Good confidence means good eye contact. You can't have one without the other as the song goes...


Low confidence and self-esteem are woven into your subconscious, while pithy little eye contact strategies are things you would have to do consciously.


But here's where all the self-help books and articles are missing the bigger picture - the subconscious is to the conscious mind, as the ocean is to a glass of water. 


In other words, the subconscious is vastly more powerful. So why try to overcome eye contact anxiety with a glass of water, when you should be learning how to sail in your own personal ocean of subconscious? If its not working for you, then it’s out of control and working against you.


Once you begin to develop confidence, you will naturally begin to rise up through the five levels, until holding the right level of eye contact is something you do instinctively, because your subconscious is doing it for you, just like breathing.


And where would we all be if we had to start thinking about how to breathe?


The answer to that question is that the human race would be extinct after about two minutes. But in case you're wondering how to go about developing natural confidence, the main two ways are (and always have been), knowledge and practice. In that order. 


That includes knowledge about your job, subjects and hobbies that interest you, such as food, politics, personal development etc. Also, very important, is knowledge about yourself, your values, beliefs, and ideas about life.


This is it, this is how it's done. Until you have confidence in yourself and what you stand for as a personal brand, uncertainty, and insecurity will continue to pollute your ocean, and choke your confidence like an oil slick.


Conclusion


So here it is, you can either try to develop more eye contact by using conscious strategies such as


1. Remembering to look at people 50% of the time while YOU are speaking, 70% when they are speaking2. Focusing on just one of their eyes, or 3. making a triangle out of their eyes and nose, and focusing inside the triangle 4. defocusing your gaze while looking at them5. Counting to between three and five seconds then looking away6. hooding your eyelids a little when you want to flirt…

Or you can save your sanity and develop your self-confidence first, and let the eye contact naturally follow.


That said, I’m not going to let you go without sharing one of my own eye contact strategies. I like it because it requires very little conscious processing power.


Trying to go from zero eye contact, to fifty or seventy percent in one go would be too much of a shock to the system, so go for ten percent baby steps instead with the following strategy:


When you first meet somebody and feel that irresistible need to drop your gaze, instead, fight the urge for just long enough to identify the colour of their eyes.


Most people will leave a conversation never knowing the colour of the other persons eyes, but just by distracting yourself with this little mission, you will have held contact for ten percent longer than usual.


What's more, the other person will be completely unaware of what you are really doing, unless it's a romantic encounter and you want to complement them on their eye colour. In which case, you can expect to score some nice brownie points, or should that be green, blue, hazel...


In conclusion, work to develop your confidence in other areas, and better eye contact will naturally follow until it is just another of your subconscious life skills.

Welcome to episode 5 of the disruptive social skills podcast by Lifeconfident where we focus on melting away shyness and social anxiety, building skyscraper confidence, and developing cloud-bursting social skills – I’m your host Richard Gray and today’s topic is: The Three Stages to Overcoming Shyness & Social Anxiety, and why exposure therapy has no place in them...
If life was made of broken glass, shyness and social anxiety would be the equivalent of trying to walk your path barefoot. We can't get rid of the glass, but we can learn to fly in three stages
To understand why the three stages (and the order they are completed in) are so effective, and will be your only clear path out of shyness and social anxiety, first we need to understand what's holding us back in the first place.  And just like yin and yang, the dark side also comes in threes...
The first roadblock is other people
You read a ton of blog posts and self help guides (just like this one). And most of them are just oozing with five or more hints and tips, a weird trick that nobody knows about, and perhaps a secret that the therapists would rather you didn't know...
All sounds very promising and tempting, until you get into them and discover they are mostly just shallow and recycled tips that will do nothing to address the bigger picture, anymore than a plaster will heal a gun shot wound, or a cup of tea will fix anything from depression to to a fear of embarrassment.
The second roadblock is the therapists 
Whilst some of those articles you read will have come from authoritative sources, the fundamental problem is, their advice and treatment is based on only one, or possibly two, of the three stages a person needs to move through, in order to become free of shyness, social anxiety, and their physical symptoms.
But it's not their fault. By its nature, a field of therapy, or a profession focuses on only one narrow area of expertise, or specific behavioural therapy approach, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) 
The third roadblock is YOU
You wouldn't be human if you didn't want to live life and taste its fruits, without the shyness and symptoms of anxiety souring your taste buds. Which means desire is not the reason why you are the third roadblock - you simply reached overwhelm...
By the time you've finished reading all the blog posts with all their hints and tips, their 'one weird little tricks etc...
By the time you have read through the reams of self-help books, just in time for the next generation of empty calorie self-help books to be published...
By the time you have poured through the feeds of self-help groups, and questions on Quora, and realised, very few people have an answer, and none of them are giving it away cheaply, the best years of your life are already behind you.
I know because that was me for thirty years before I began to really understand the problem at a deeper level, and began putting all the pieces together 
 The three stages to overcoming Shyness and Social Anxiety

The first and biggest pitfall most fall into, is trying to change through conscious effort i.e. willpower, but the shyness and social anxiety symptoms, the negative thought patterns etc. are embedded in the subconscious - which is many times more powerful.
This is like betting on the thousand to one outsider horse, to beat the hot favourite. What this tells us is that we shouldn't be using conscious behaviours to change our subconscious thinking patterns. We should be turning our subconscious into our ally, and using it to change our conscious behaviours.
The following three stages developed at Lifeconfident, are designed to do just that. They are called the Past, Present, and Future stages (PPF). 
Stage 1. The Past
Some therapy systems focus on difficult past experiences, usually from childhood. Bullying in school. Or learning from poor adult role models (who may themselves be anxious people with social fears).
It is these experiences and learnings, that define how we behave today. If we can drain the toxic emotions trapped in these social memories, we will have more choices and freedom of behaviour in the present. Some therapy systems that work in this area are:

• Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP)
• Timeline therapy
• Integral eye movement therapy (IEMT)

2. The Present
Big changes can be felt in short spaces of time when working at the past level, but it would be a mistake to think the job was now done. 
Here's why. When you successfully switch off a negative pattern of behaviour, a void is left in your mind until you learn a new behaviour to replace it with. That's what makes present level two so important.
If new, more confident and assertive behaviours are not quickly learnt, then the old behaviours will begin to resurface and reestablish themselves. This is the pattern with many people who manage to break a habit such as smoking, but fail to replace it with a healthy alternative.
Some therapy systems that have the tools to works at this level are:

• Hypnotherapy
• Cognitive behavioral therapy
• Neuro linguistic programming

3. The Future
Now you have metaphorically cleared the garden of your mind from the weeds of fear, unhelpful thinking, and feelings of anxiety. And you have created a platform of confidence and assertiveness, you're ready to move into the future stage three where you build conversation and social skills strategies on top of that platform.
After all, what's the point of having the confidence to go into social situations, hold good eye contact etc. only to remember you don't have the tools to interact in that situation?
What now happens is you receive feedback from your brain that you weren't ready for those confidence strategies, and the muscle memory of those old shyness and social anxiety behaviours begin resurfacing.
Therapy systems have prematurely declared you fit for duty at the previous stage. So, with the exception of the mental health masterplan which is based on the three PPF stages, there are no other therapies that cover this stage. This leaves you with:

• Attending courses and public speaking seminars
• Reading social skills books etc.
• The small talk master keys program (from Lifeconfident)

The keys to success
These three PPF stages do nothing special by themselves, but they do highlight two reasons why most people end up permanently stuck with feelings of shyness, and trapped in a cycle of social anxiety.
First, they highlight the fact that current treatments for anxiety, behavioral therapies like CBT are limiting themselves to either one or two of these stages, when all three are crucial for success.
Second is the importance of order, and the treatment adequacy for doing things in the correct order. However, in both cases, it's not the fault of the therapy system itself because none of them were designed specifically for treating shyness or social anxiety.
For example, though not a recommended therapy treatment, many try to 'fake it til they make it'. This is the equivalent of jumping straight in at present stage two. But ultimately, this strategy is doomed to fail because they didn't respect stage one and resolve those past issues first.
The result is that the past is still alive and well in your subconscious, and ready to reassert itself any time you are at social gatherings, or you are the centre of attention.
Why Exposure therapy is not a part of the three stages
This is perhaps the most commonly prescribed advice given by anyone and their dog, including the therapists. But for anyone with extreme shyness or social anxiety disorder, it can be the poisoned chalice of advice.
Shy people will be more than familiar with being told to speak up more, but this form of dispensing exposure therapy advice should, like antibiotics, be restricted in its usage.
Simply throwing yourself into social activities and situations without instilling confidence or any social skills tools into yourself, will have the opposite intended outcome.
Without any new tools or moves, you will have the same old social experience, which will inevitably lead to a continued chipping away of your self-esteem.
Once you have some confidence and some conversation skills strategies, now you have some tools for building your social skills, for use at social events, business settings, or even in job interviews where you would most likely experience some performance anxiety symptoms.
Thank you for listening, this has been the disruptive social skills podcast. Be sure to subscribe to us in Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or anywhere all good podcasts can be found so you don’t miss the next episode.

To find out more about Lifeconfidents world exclusive programs such as the Mental Health Masterplan, or the small talk master keys program, visit www.lifeconfident.com

Thanks for listening, I’ve been Richard Gray, and you’ve been amazing :)

Welcome to episode 4 of the disruptive social skills podcast by Lifeconfident where we focus on melting away shyness and social anxiety, building skyscraper confidence, and developing cloud-bursting social skills – I’m your host Richard Gray and today’s topic is: The Five Levels of Assertiveness (And The One That Will Gain You Respect) Either you are an assertive person who can speak up for yourself and stand your ground, or you are being passive, and diminishing your place in this world. In this episode we will look at the five different levels of assertiveness, and identify where you are currently at, and how you can move to the right level.  When you imagine assertive people, preconceived images may appear in your mind of a no-nonsense boss aggressively barking orders. Someone who will talk over you and dominate you in a work or social situation. If you associate negative images like these with the idea of assertiveness, then your subconscious will sabotage your attempts to become something you ultimately revile. With that in mind, lets begin by defining what assertive communication IS, and what it is NOT – with the five levels of assertiveness… Level 1. Passive At this level, poor social skills translate into passive behaviour as you allow people to regularly walk all over you, and wipe their feet on your self-esteem. Perhaps a childhood of negative messaging has turned a shyness trait into social anxiety, and made you feel worthless as an adult. As a result, you end up occupying the bottom rung of the work ladder, where being talked down to, and being told what to do is such a normalised part of life, you barely notice anymore.
At the far left of the assertiveness scales, you feel you have no value in society, and nothing interesting to contribute, so you don't speak up or stand up for yourself - because there is nothing to stand up for... Level 2. Insecure At this level, you are still stuck in a passive behavior pattern. You will still find yourself on the lower rungs of the work ladder, and low in the social pecking order where others can get the best of both worlds from you. The difference between level one and two, is that you are aware of your own values, beliefs, and ideas on life, but you are not confident enough in them, to stand up for them. This lack of confidence makes you over-compensate by being more agreeable with the views of others. This people pleasing behaviour makes you popular, but for the wrong reasons. You are occupying the low ground in any work or social situation, and others want to keep you there because their own sense of self feels inflated by comparison. Level 3. Assertive. This is the middle of the scale, the level playing field, the happy medium between interpersonal, and intrapersonal intelligence skills. You know your own mind, what you want, what you will settle for, and where you draw the line etc. This is your intrapersonal emotional intelligence at play. Translating your thoughts and ideas, your wants and feelings into words, and communicating them to othersconfidently, and with good eye contact, is your interpersonal social intelligence at play. You have found the right balance of assertive behavior, but good emotional intelligence means you also give others the space to express themselves. Even if that means sometimes fielding constructive criticisms :) Level 4. Self-Importance. At this level, you have elevated your own needs and values to where they now feel more important than those of people around you. You arrived at level three and then overshot the mark :( You may feel that you know better than others due to certain factors, including your higher status at work or in social groups, and the influence of level two people-pleasers massaging your ego. The need to be heard is a fundamental human need. To have that drowned out by a level four voice, creates resentment. Getting back to a healthy, assertive level, means recognising that the thoughts and opinions of others are just as important as your own. Level 5. Aggressive This is the level we first proposed assertiveness might look like to you. A person who uses passive aggressive behavior tactics to get their way, such as: 

• dominating body language
• raised voice
• belittling
• even intimidation

 These are the ones that have lost sight of what it means to be assertive, and have become a bully instead. If this is what runaway assertiveness looks like to you, then test yourself with the following short anecdote about a dysfunctional mother daughter relationship. Decide which of the characters was displaying real assertiveness... Mother and daughter go head to head I was walking in a park one day as an unravelling mother and daughter drama drifted into earshot. They we walking toward me and I could see mum’s jaw was clenched, her face set in stony granite. She had just had an altercation with one of her daughters, and now she was steaming with anger. Her two girls of about age seven were in tow. One walked silently at her side, eyes down. The other followed some five steps back, crying bitterly and holding her head. Mum turned on her crying child once more and shouted at her to shut up. It was all I could do to hide a smile and hug the girl when I heard her logical, innocent, and deeply felt response to her mother’s public attack. This particular girl was certainly hurting from where her mother had used her physical presence, and position of authority to dominate her daughter. But instead of being bullied into passivity, the girl was determined to stand up for herself, and protect her boundaries. Between gasping sobs, the girl made her defiant response:  ‘Oh what! so you just want me to be quiet? I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be when somebody hits somebody...’ Childhood can certainly feel like a very harsh and unfair place when we are young. A place where we walk a fine line between asserting ourselves, but not standing out too far for fear of attracting retribution, and the attention of the bullies. We have touched upon it as a launch stage for people who occupy level one on the assertive scale.In this anecdote however, the girl had just returned serve beautifully, against one of the many negative messages that a child may absorb on a daily basis. Messages like:
You can't do that...You're stupid...You’ll never amount to anything... Words that will ultimately shape a child’s belief system. Belief’s that will determine whether they arrive into adulthood confident, and ready to shape the world, or whether they will arrive bruised and battered. A world that will talk over you, try and bend you to its will, and never simply give you your place. Until you realise, life is passing you by and you have to make a conscious choice to stand up and be counted. How to be more assertive As a child, you have no awareness of how negative messaging is writing your personality. But as an adult, you can continue using the coping strategies your developed in childhood, or you can choose to rewrite parts of your personality, to reflect the way you want to be identified. In the mother daughter anecdote, I bet you almost forgot there was a second daughter. That's because she was scared, and in all probability would have meekly accepted, and internalised her mothers treatment - if it had been directed at her. This child may grow up to become a level two character type - using people-pleasing as a defence mechanism against attracting aggressive behaviours. Having a healthy level of assertiveness in your character, first means bringing your own opinions, your own beliefs, and your own boundaries into focus. Then getting comfortable with them. The second part is to stand up and confidently express when the time is right. In the beginning, this may mean speaking up before you can over-think it and revert to a passive response... Teach others how to treat you We can't expect others to listen to us, unless we first show them how we want to be treated. You can do this by demonstrating your willingness to genuinely listen to the other person, and take their needs and perspectives into consideration. Doing this is the difference between level four self-importance, and showing others you value their views. This comes with the proviso that you don't go to far and let your own boundaries be compromised, sending you back to level two. Protecting your boundaries, like the girl in our anecdote did, and keeping within level three, will keep the playing field level between you and others - and gain their respect. Even when you sometimes say 'no' to their requests.
Thank you for listening, this has been the disruptive social skills podcast. Be sure to subscribe to us in Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or anywhere all good podcasts can be found so you don’t miss the next episode. 

To find out more about Lifeconfidents world exclusive programs such as the social and emotional intelligence masterclass, or the small talk masterkeys program, visit lifeconfident dot com. Thanks for listening, I’ve been Richard Gray, and you’ve been amazing.

Welcome to episode 3 of the disruptive social skills podcast by Lifeconfident where we focus on melting away shyness and social anxiety, building skyscraper confidence, and developing cloud-bursting social skills – I’m your host Richard Gray and today’s topic is:
Six Body Language Betrayals that transfer the balance of power to you at parties
As a person with shyness or social anxiety, going to parties, clubs, networking events, the office party, or any kind of social gathering can be your worst nightmare. That is until you learn how to read the room and discover - not everything is as it appears. Going to parties and places where people gather socially, will be almost impossible to avoid as you go through life, and you shouldn't want to. After all, life is not a computer game where you only get three lives - in real life you get much more... So you've got this far in life and you've probably died a thousand times already from embarrassment, awkwardness, or frustration, but the game hasn't ended. The lives keep on coming, but are you learning and gathering skill packs for your character?
Not everything is as it appears

Chances are, if you have a fear about parties, it's because you know how everything's going to play out before you even get there. And it looks something like this... If you go with a friend, at some point they will drift off and get lost in conversation with someone else. Whether you're standing at a bar or sitting at a table, it now feels like you're under the spotlight of a thousand furtive eyeballs. Self-consciously, you try to act casual, look relaxed, look busy, look like you're waiting for someone to return with drinks, look like you just received a text. It's a funny text so you give a half smile just to let the secret watchers know, you may be by yourself right now, but you're not alone. At some point though, you just get tired of all the pretence, because none of the busy cool people are looking at the awkward person, they're all busy with their own pretence. So you slip away into the night, and kiss another life goodbye.
How to stop being awkward at a party

No doubt you have heard the term 'exposure therapy'. It's the first and almost always, the only piece of advice people have for those seeking to overcome shyness or social anxiety, and reduce their levels of anxiety in social situations. You'll recognise the advice as:  'You just need to get out more''You just need to speak up more' It's best to learn some specific conversation skills before doing this, otherwise the same pattern will always repeat itself. But there is another thing to take care of before trying out any specific strategies. Imagine going to a party armed with some conversational Kung-Fu, but you haven't yet gained an emotional intelligence skills pack for your character, so you can't yet read the room and identify the most receptive people to use your Kung-Fu on (in the best possible way)...
Six body language betrayals to read the room
1. Leaving
Watch the feet of the people talking to each other, if their feet and torso are square on to each other, they are in harmony, but if at least one foot is pointed away from the other person, then they are ready to leave the conversation. 2. Relaxed If you see somebody who has their feet crossed, and supporting their weight on one foot, perhaps leaning against a wall. this person is feeling relaxed and confident in their environment. (The flight fight instinct of our brain won’t allow this pose unless we are 100% comfortable) 3. Defensive A person crossing their arms while standing or sitting, or otherwise finds a reason to put their arm across their chest, such as fastening buttons on an item of clothing, or holding something in front of them, is creating a barrier between themselves and others. These people are in defensive mode. 4. Distanced A person with their hands clutched behind their back (professor like) leaving their front exposed, is conversely and subconsciously telling you they don’t want to be approached. 5. Anxious If the other person is rubbing their neck or arm, (or legs if they are sitting down) then they are anxious and trying to calm themselves. 6. Dominant Somebody who has their hands on hips, spreading their arms out along the back of a sofa, or spreading their stuff out on a table, is trying to dominate the space. Observing this world of body language takes your attention out of your own head and can be very useful for informing you who is approachable, and who is not. Learning this unspoken language is a powerful step to developing emotional intelligence about how others are feeling.
Test running your new emotional skills
Sooner or later, another invite is going to come around, or you're going to push yourself into going to a meetup group, conference, or networking event. This time it will be to test your new emotional intelligence, and power up your character. Free events and meetups can be found anywhere, but the ones that take place in capital cities will attract the biggest audiences. These are the ones you can most easily lose yourself in. Typically, there will be one or more speakers who will do a free presentation, and pitch you their product or course, but you will be going for the networking opportunity. Attendees will gather for at least half an hour before the start, then there will be breaks, and finally a third opportunity to mingle or observe after the event. At social gatherings, and especially networking events, the whole point is to socialise with others, but many will already be in pairs or groups. So the question is - who to approach?
Who to approach at a gathering
Now you have the knowledge to spot anxious or defensive body language, you can make a conscious choice to rule these people out as conversation partners. Now you can read group dynamics and spot who wants to leave a conversation, you could also choose to leave these groups alone. After all, you don't want to join a conversation where the other participants are ready to leave. But what if two or more people are talking, and their feet/torso's are facing each other? This could be a good group to enter. There is no need to over-complicate doing this, simply walk over and stand facing them, listening to the conversation. At networking events particularly, this is not rude behaviour, but normal and expected behaviour. If the group is receptive, their body language will open up to include you. One final thing to note, if their torso's turn toward you, but their feet do not, then their conversation may have gone beyond casual, and to a private level. Now you know how to read the cues, you can simply say, 'enjoy the event', and move on. 
A fast and dirty lone person strategy
If you are approaching a lone person at an event, here's a quick three question strategy:
1. Are you/did you enjoy the speech/presentation?2. What business are you in?3. It's been good meeting you, shall we exchange business cards? (Or the digital equivalent) Many conversations drag on beyond their expiry date, and for many an anxious person, this is reason enough to avoid engaging in the first place. With that in mind, did you notice how the third question makes it clear that you are bringing the interaction to a close?

Summary
For anyone whom has ever been advised to 'just speak up more and everything will get better with practice', and you know (because you've tried), that it's just not that simple, in this article, we have pointed out why.  One main contributing factor that makes anyone feel low in confidence, or inadequate in any setting, is lack of knowledge or ability. Practicing is great advice if you have something to practice, and you know who to practice with. So here's the three steps to making a success of exposure therapy: 

1. Learn to read other people before you approach them.
2. Learn a few social skills strategies to practice.
3. Approach and get practicing.

 I'm Richard Gray, Founder of Lifeconfident.com, and whilst we can't invite you to one of our events at this time to practice step three, we do have you covered with steps one and two. Feel free to learn more with the Social & Emotional Intelligence Masterclass, or our Small Talk MasterKeys Program. Well, I've enjoyed writing this article, and I hope it's been just a little bit enlightening. Shall we exchange details?
Thank you for listening, this has been the disruptive social skills podcast. Be sure to subscribe to us in Apple, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or anywhere all good podcasts can be found so you don’t miss the next episode.

To find out more about Lifeconfidents world exclusive programs such as the social and emotional intelligence masterclass, or the small talk masterkeys program, visit lifeconfident.com. Thanks for listening, I’ve been Richard Gray, and you’ve been amazing.