The Social Skills Doctor Podcast

Traditional education has given us a lot, but unfortunately it's one of those great institutions of life that has failed to mature alongside the pupils whom have passed through it.
Society has become more politically correct, more accepting of sexual orientations. It has recognised the importance of mental health, and discovered emotional intelligence. Among others. Yet the education system has not evolved to recognise that we are ALL intelligent individuals - just in different ways.
In 1983, Howard Gardner, at the time, a professor at Harvard, published his book, 'Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences'. In this book, Gardner outlined seven types of intelligence. 
The following is a short description of each, and examples of famous people who excelled in those areas.Gardner's Seven Types of Intelligence1. Verbal/Linguistic:
Those that are strong in verbal and linguistics have the ability to speak well, write well, and memorise what they have read. This is a left brain intelligence, and you probably breezed through your school work if you have this.
Examples of famous people are:

• Natalie Portman
• William Shakespeare
• Maya Angelou
• J.K. Rowling
• Tom Hiddleston

2. Mathematical & Logical:
Those with this intelligence tend to be good at maths, dealing with numbers, abstract ideas, and thinking logically. This is another left brain intelligence, which, if you are strong in this, would mean you also did well, and benefited from traditional education.
Examples of famous people are:

• Bill Gates
• Sir Isaac Newton
• Blaise Pascal
• Thomas Edison
• Marie Curie

3. Visual & Spatial:
Those dominant in this area, will excel in skills that require visualising and imagining the end result. Such qualities are essential for Interior decorators, artists, fashion designers, and architects among other professions. This is a creative right-brain intelligence, which means this group will not thrive in traditional education.
Examples of famous people are:

• Walt Disney
• Leonardo Da Vinci
• Tiger Woods
• The Wright Brothers
• Michael Jordan

4. Musical:
This area of intelligence is dominant in the ability to create, interpret, and keep to a rhythm. They will thrive in a musical environment, singing or playing an instrument. Like the Visual/spatials, they will not do well in traditional education.
Examples of famous people are:

• Mozart
• Michael Jackson
• Eminem
• Cher
• Stevie Wonder

5. Bodily-Kinesthetic
This group are gifted physically. Their intelligent learning curve is at its smoothest when doing athletics, dancing, acting, using their hands - or areas requiring coordination and agility.
Examples of famous people are:

• Serena Williams
• Jim Carrey
• Wayne Gretzky
• Bruce Lee
• Bjorn Borg

6. Interpersonal:
Sometimes referred to as social intelligence, this category consists of extrovert communicators who can get along well with, and put others at ease. They are able to read emotions and show empathy with others.
Examples of famous people Interpersonal skills:

• Mahatma Gandhi
• Bill Clinton
• Cesar Chavez
• Oprah Winfrey
• Tony Robbins

7. Intrapersonal:
Sometimes referred to as emotional intelligence, this is about self-control, quiet & objective self-analysis, knowing yourself, and an overall ability to control your emotions.
Examples of famous people with Intrapersonal skills:

• Socrates
• Ann Frank
• Albert Einstein
• Helen Keller
• Dalai Lama

After reading through Howard Gardners seven definitions, it's probably clearer now, why some of your friends and peers were able to race ahead, whilst for you, it felt like there was a handbrake on in your own head.
If your strengths lie in any of the areas your school didn't cater for, then you probably entered the real life adult world, lacking in confidence, and not equipped to play to your strengths.
I'm still waiting for the day technology allows us to become tourists in each others minds, so that we can experience how it feels to be intelligent, and with a range of skills, in areas other than our own.
Until that day, we can begin by defining which intelligences we do have strength in, and which areas we need to improve, in order to have a better life experience.

The one intelligence we all need to succeed
Interpersonal social intelligence is a skills development area that is indefensibly under represented in schools. At best, we are left to teach ourselves how to interact with others during playtime, and learn by watching how our parents do it.
How can such an important life skill be left to chance, instead of being on the curriculum?
After all, unless your name is Bill Gates, how many times in the average day are you going to need math skills Whereas you need social skills all the time. Whether it's for building relationships with people, creating good impressions on first dates, meeting potential in-laws, or in interviews.

At work, it's about maintaining relationships with colleagues, to making your presence felt in meetings, all the way to demonstrating motivation and leadership to upper managers.
What you learn in school about how to add up numbers, reading and writing etc. these are general skills you may use in a career. Intrapersonal (emotional intelligence) skills, are what you need to manage yourself during your career.But it is your social intelligence competencies, strong people skills, the building of interpersonal relationships, that will get you there in the first place - and see you rise to the top.
Social skills and emotions management are an art, but they are also a skill that can be learnt and applied whenever life calls upon them.

Developing social intelligence skills
Trust
They say trust is something to be earned by an individual, I say trust should be granted automatically, and only withdrawn if abused. But it's not a perfect world...
In a less than perfect world, trust can be earned through applying emotional intelligence. This means being receptive to the ebb and flow of the other persons emotions and thoughts. You can gain insights by paying attention to their body language, what they are saying, and how they are saying it.
When you have developed a heightened awareness for what the other person is telling you through non-verbal means, you can move on to the next level, by building rapport.
Rapport
Rapport is something you can use in social interactions to accelerate a sense of familiarity. In essence, this involves by moving in a similar way, and using similar wording and intonation as the other person.
Some think this is manipulative, but if you imagine the other person as being like a radio station, then you can consider rapport-building as the process of tuning into their frequency. If you fail to do this, you will just hear a lot of static, and a mutual understanding and familiarity will be harder to arrive at.
Now you are tuning up your emotional skills and perceptions, it's time to step up again with some active listening. This can feel counter-intuitive, but it can truly take the pressure out of the situation.
Active listening
With active listening, you are focusing your whole attention on what the other person is saying, and turning your back on the anxiety of wondering what to say when your turn comes around. This is corrosive to your mind, and will flood it with negative emotions.
You have the opportunity through using emotional skills, to bring positive energy to social situations. Being able to respond directly to what the other person said, lets them know they have been heard. This can make someone feel better than you could imagine, and they will associate that feeling with you.

Conclusion
This trio of developing trust, rapport building, and active listening, forms a firm foundation of interpersonal skills on which you can develop further communication skills.
In life, social skills are too important as the tools of daily life, not to develop them to your maximum potential - from social experiences to negotiations, resolving conflicts to improving career prospects, and developing relationships in all contexts.

You look at self-confident people, then you look at yourself and ask: 'Is self-confidence a skill I can develop, or is it a personality trait you just have to be born with?'
In this article you are going to discover ten self-confidence skills that, when practiced daily, will transform you into a confident person, and prove beyond doubt that confidence is NOT a birthright reserved for some and not others.Confidence developed through position and experienceTake a look at the following three scenarios and see if you can spot the odd one out:
1. A judge on X factor talking to an entrant before they audition.2. You being interviewed for a job.3. A TV presenter interviewing an actor who is promoting a movie.
Did you get it? Here's a hint, in two of these scenarios one person has more to lose than the other.

Scenario one - here, the judge has all the confidence, while the individual auditioning, is all nerves. If the judge is not impressed by their performance their dreams of fame and self-esteem could be crushed.

*Occasionally will you see a contestant holding their ground with genuine confidence, built up through the positive feedback of others (even when it turns out that confidence is far from justified).

Scenario two - here the interviewer has all the confidence and little to lose, while you stand to lose the opportunity of a job, steady income, security, and progression if your performance does not reflect your abilities.

Scenario three is the odd one out. The TV presenter and the actor have both developed their knowledge and experience, and therefore self-confidence through their career paths.
But for a twist of fate, a different path taken in life, an opportunity taken instead of avoided, any one of these roles could have been reversed.
Shyness and social anxiety can keep you permanently on the low ground in any scenario by forming a mental barrier between mixing with others, and embracing opportunities.
Lack of interpersonal skills practice, and reduced career opportunities, are the key reason your self-confidence levels continue being starved of opportunity to grow and flourish.

The Ten Self-confidence action plan list
The following are ten little self-confidence builders that will begin to erode those mental barriers and promote naturally confident behavior. Give yourself the goal of practicing them over the next week.
1. Decision Speed
We all know what happens when we stop to think too long about things – we end up talking ourselves out of doing them. Making a quick decision without thinking through the consequences, can feel like jumping out of a plane without a parachute - but it can also feel very liberating.
Making low-level decisions faster than you normally would, is the first of your self-confidence tasks.
2. Conviction
Lack of confidence and self-belief causes us to suppress our own thoughts and opinions, for fear of offending others or being challenged. The result is, we become bland, agreeable, and led by what others want to talk about.
Our lack of assertiveness also means we have less to contribute, due to getting less air time to talk about our own interests and areas of knowledge.
Asserting your own opinions more, regardless of the response, is step two for your self-confidence progress.
3. Inner Voice
That ever present, uninvited, and suspicious guest that lives in your head. As slow as we can be to make decisions, your inner critic is fast to give negative feedback, against you and everyone you come into contact with – especially when it's in a bad mood.
Challenging and silencing this inner critic on an ongoing basis when it delivers a negative report, will improve your stress management skills.
4. Outer Voice
If you have ever been asked to speak up, or to repeat yourself, this is either because your voice is going quiet when your anxiety is rising. Or you have set your default speaking volume quite low.
Anxiety can make your breathing become shallower. You may also have set the volume of your voice quite low in a subconscious attempt to become less visible.
Air passing over your vocal cords is what gives your voice its tone. Breathing evenly and deeply while speaking a little louder than sounds natural to your ear, is step four of your self-confidence training.
5. Posture Power
Hunching over or slouching, is the first stage of your subconscious trying to curl up into a protective ball. You may be unaware of your low confidence posture, but your body language is busy transmitting the evidence to others, and ensuring they are treating you accordingly.
Straightening up whenever you consciously remember to do so is a fundamental action of step five.
6. Extend Pleasantries
Little everyday interactions may be something you have gotten into the habit of minimising or avoiding. Waiting for your neighbour to go in before you step out for instance, or using self-service tills at the supermarket to avoid cashiers etc.
Embracing any and all opportunities for a brief social interaction, or just extending some pleasantries, are short term actions that can give compounding, long term future results.
7. Represent Yourself
When was the last time you won an argument? Or really stood your ground and said 'no', when somebody took you for granted, or made one request too many?
When you have low confidence, people can sense you are someone they can take liberties with, unload their stress on, or take advantage of. All with little resistance or comeback.
Standing your ground against the person responsible, and saying no to unfair demands will quietly gain respect. This should be a major goal of your self-confidence journey.
8. Energy Leader
Do you know of individuals who are either naturally exuberant and high energy, individuals who are always sad and low energy, or individuals who are always complain about everything?
When you are with one of these character types, your own energy seems to go up or down a degree to match theirs. In any conversation, you can either lead with your energy - or you can be led.
Raising your energy levels and bringing a positive vibe to conversations (by as little as ten percent), will be enough not to raise fake flags with the critics in your circle.
9. Eye-Contact
Meeting someone's gaze during conversation, or even raising your eye-line from the ground when walking down the street, for a shy person, this can feel like trying to raise the Titanic.
Whatever level your gaze naturally rests, is also a good barometer of your self-esteem level.
Raising your eye level, and prolonging eye contact with others (at least ten percent longer than feels comfortable), is step nine for developing a well-rounded self-confidence.
10. Self-Pacifying
When we are feeling self-conscious or anxious under the spotlight of attention, we begin performing subconscious little calming actions, such as stroking our hair, rubbing our neck, our chin, our thighs etc.
Joe Navaro, ex FBI agent and author of, 'What every body is saying', calls these self-pacifying actions. Internally, these actions are designed to calm ourselves down by releasing the mood-stabilising - Serotonin. But externally, our body language is once again broadcasting our dips in confidence, to the subconscious of others.
Breaking pacifying habits is the tenth step for developing self-confidence skillsConclusionJust remember, changing lifelong habits such as a slouch, or a quiet voice, cannot happen overnight. There are no magic bullets, and no weird little tricks for this, simply a dogged persistence in a process of retraining your brain, over a protracted period of time. As much as two years.
What this also means is, you don't have to go from zero to a hundred with any of these confidence actions. Simply change the situation whenever you catch yourself in a slouch, a pacifying action, avoiding eye contact, or dodging your neighbour.

*this last one doesn't count if your neighbour is an axe-murderer...
To help you out, we here at Lifeconfident have developed the confident week seven day challenge to turn confidence-building into a game. Compete against yourself to continually improve in all ten confidence scenarios.
Thanks for reading and all the very best - Richard Gray
Founder of Lifeconfident and creator of the ‘The Small Talk Master Keys'.

Find the Seven day challenge at www.lifeconfident.com/the-confident-week