Oh, this bod bursts with song! I am a husk for tasty tunes, a chrysalis for zesty rhythms. What worse is there then, than talent wasted? Imagine a sweet baby that learned to juggle, or a dog that learned to speak. If any creature on The Story’s earth were to impede such expression, would not we all demand their squishy demise? Yes, yes, yes, even if it were the babe or pup themselves. Let that song loose! Write that dirge! Juggle that knife! The Story demands it.

Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm)

Invocation

Psalm: “Tot Scramble”

Liturgical Reading: “The Book of Melody”

Concluding Prayer

We have a fresh Story next week, and it’ll unsettle thee proper uh huh.

The Story gives us our homes and today it takes one away. A home is but a house without the Story stirring within—do not think you control this process for even a goddamn second. Go ahead, make meals, make stinks, make squirts, and sire children in your house. It’ll be nothing more than a Squirt Tomb, a Stink Den, a Meal Prison, a Gamete Shack without the caress of the Story. Try to find happiness any other way and you’ll find such folly lacking. Lacking! Lacking!

Invocation

Sacrament: The Story Claims a Home

Liturgical Reading: “The Realtor”

Concluding Prayer

Thank you for enduring—oh Story you endured!—these reimagined truths from our first season. Our first live show is behind us. We have been reborn in the Story’s graces. Thus, starting next week, we will have a bounty of fresh Stories to enjoy, dear congregant. We love you as the Story loves you.

Two boys in the courthouse. Two boys with the clerk. Two boys in the swimming pool. Two boys out to work. Gosh, all those boys! Of course, sometimes one slides under the tractor, turns to boyslaw. Can’t help that! Oh, how the boys leave us, in their great numbers, to writhe their puny sinnin’ souls in Boyrgatory. This treat from our first season will grin sweetly in your ears as we wrench ourselves gruesome on the needy gears of our Live Show, which we birth this Thursday. Goo goo, slick slick.

Invocation

Sacrament: The Blessing of the Boys

Liturgical Reading: “The Boys Open”

Concluding Prayer

That gooey live show truth is arriving oh so damn shortly. Videology Bar in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

Labor is its own reward if what you labor to produce is candy, money, or frothy milk. Otherwise, labor is no reward at all—it is a curse! Beseech the Story that your labor is not so laborious, and that one way or another, your labor will end. Heh, not that the Story cares what you want. That tricky Story!

Invocation

Psalm: “Dancing, Dancing, Danced”

Liturgical Reading: “Hard at Work”

Concluding Prayer

Our glorious live show will squirm int this world in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

Healthy teens, good teens, sinful teens, teens of virtue. There used to be so many kinds of teens! Today we remember them. Burn a candle, pour a drink, smoke a smoke and cry a cry for us, the post-teen society. This truth from our first season has been reborn in the Story’s frothy goodness, a respite as we prepare yon live show.

Invocation

The Names of Teens

Liturgical Reading: “The Unruly Teen’s Display”

Concluding Prayer

We’re doing a wholesome, virtuous live show in Brooklyn October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

If you are currently picking a car for your family, we at the Church of the Story can only make this recommendation: consider the minivan. Nothing like a minivan to swell one’s heart, transport one’s family, and doom, doom, DOOM one to fiery embers. Today, as we toil diligently on our upcoming live show, we share with yon faithful one of our favorite Stories from our first season, reborn in gooey ecstasy for your cauliflowered ears.

Invocation

Psalm: “Dig To Find Your True Self”

Liturgical Reading: “The Pilot”

Concluding Prayer and Getaway Raffle

Alright, heh heh, here’s that link to tickets. Pucker up them smackers for the truth of the Story: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com

Electronics are our friends, and sometimes our sticky neighbors. Some electronics aid, and some deny, some tend to relationships, and others still play card games on digital screens. What novelty! Yet also: what cruelty to such incipient intelligence. Shame! Shame all around!

Invocation

A Healing of Ill Consumer Electronics

Liturgical Reading: “Pretty Machines”

Concluding Prayer

You shouldn’t throw batteries away. Hold onto ‘em. Store ‘em under the sink in a plastic bottle. Wait till it’s full. Take it to the farm. Bury it. In ten years all them batteries will be full charge, ready for diskboys and vibrate-friends.

It’s mighty tempting to stick one’s nose in a neighbor’s business. I myself have been guilty of sullying my neighbors’ lives with my hubris. Well here’s a lesson for you: the Story takes an interest in none of us. It has no scorn, and it has no favor. Yet, the Story plies our lives in abundance. We are the clay before a blind potter, hot on pot fever. Heed the Story: stay out of the way! Go on! Get!

Invocation

A Special Message From Our Sponsors at Cro-Croa

Liturgical Reading: “The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved”

Concluding Prayer

I rode a horse once that was angry as all hell. Buckin and screamin and full of hot piss and rubber’s blood. She sang a song, a creaking melody tarnished by time called “She’ll Be Comin’ 'Round the Mountain.” She ate quarters, and shit nothin at all. Goodbye, horse!

Oh, you can’t hide from the Story. The Story finds us in cars, in hospitals, in our cousin’s bathroom and on air-o-planes. The Story finds us, traps us, advances until we’re scared in the corner with a knife in our hand, and then—and ONLY then—does it spread its glimmering grin upon us. Just pray it is the Story you love, and not a false, consumer god, for our Story lasts longer than plastic and pleases better than ANY cream.

Invocation

Sacrament: Confession

Liturgical Reading: “Rugged Boy Fancy Kit”

Concluding Prayer

Huff yon lungs gentle until our next Tuesday glory, lest they pop on the Story’s sinister wind.

Gather your children, all the ones you care to, for our service. The Story will invoke in them the rigor of the student, the angst of the sergeant, the filth of the drifter, and the scar of the unrepentant. The Story’s got warnings, children, but also: discipline. And scorn! Grow up! Hurry! Before the good gettings all got!

Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting, The Week Of)

Invocation

Psalm: “Ghost Love/Ghost Love 2”

Liturgical Reading: “Magic Mary And Freddy Fox Go To Magic Town”

Concluding Prayer

We have beauties ahead, and glories abound. Our flock it gathers.