Today I talk about the leaky faucet of leadership, and this whole thing starts with a story about my dishwasher at home. About a year ago it started leaking about once every ten times we ran it. It was a nuisance, but I had no idea how to diagnose the situation. So I ignored solving the problem for good, and my husband wasn’t pushing for that either. We told ourselves it would go away, but of course it didn't. Many months later, our neighbors knocked on our door with a big water gush coming through their ceiling. At that moment I realized I had never once considered the small leak we'd been living with might be a problem for someone else.

That's exactly what happens in leadership. We leak our negativity, our fear, and the pressure we're under (or put on ourselves), onto the people around us. We tell ourselves it was justified, the situation called for it, and that we had to be direct but not full of grace. But every time we do these things without addressing it, we're leaking what is unresolved within ourselves. We're putting people on alert and they wonder if they have to brace for how we will treat them tomorrow.

The leaks don't blow up all at once. They add up. The boss who's tense around board meetings, and takes it out on the team. The relationship with a crack in it, that you hope will miraculously resolve itself in time. The unfair treatment nobody ever calls you on because that's high risk for them. When left unaddressed, a small leak becomes the reason you get passed over for a project, the reason a team stops trusting you, or the reason you stop recognizing yourself in the mirror. By then you’ve lost the thread of understanding why and how it got to this.

I think about the old adage about a plane flying 1 degree off its chartered path. If this is never corrected, it will land somewhere completely different than planned. The same is true for how you lead. A small daily drift away from the leader you want to be doesn't feel like much at the moment, but it compounds into someone your team doesn't fully recognize or trust.

The work of course-correcting isn't perfect, and it’s unrealistic to think you will never get off course. The work is about catching the leaks early, doing the repair, and asking yourself how have you been acting over the last few months (or perhaps years), and if that makes you proud or not.

Episode Highlights:

• What a leaking dishwasher teaches us about ignoring small problems.
• Why leaking your stress, fear, or pressure onto your team erodes trust even when it feels justified in the moment.
• Three questions to identify your own leadership leaks: (1) Where are you draining energy? (2) What relationships have cracks? (3) Who have you treated unfairly?
• The 1 degree rule and why small daily drift changes who you become as a leader.
• How addressing leaks and doing repair work builds stronger trust and engagement with your team.

Quotables:

• [01:03:54:05 - 01:04:11:23] "You're putting your employees on alert: what if she leaks that tomorrow and makes me feel bad? What if she leaks that next week and puts all this pressure on me?"
• [01:13:10:10 - 01:13:38:08] "People don't come and say to you, 'That thing you said to me yesterday really hurt me.' Because that's not a behavior that's been rewarded or accepted. As a leader, you have to do that assessment yourself."
• [01:12:23:15 - 01:12:27:16] "That 1% shift is a big deal to the people that are impacted by it."
• [01:13:38:08 - 01:13:46:06] "Can I be my own best friend? Because when I can actually correct it for myself and how I treat myself, I can actually do better for others?"

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
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Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: https://adriandimatteo.com

Let's talk about the hardest decisions you'll make in your career: when to stay and when to leave your leadership role. There are two big mistakes I see leaders make, and I've made both myself. You leave too soon, or you overstay your welcome.

Leaving too soon usually happens when you decide everyone else is the problem. The company is broken, nobody can do their job, and you've never stopped to look at your own part in the equation. I spent years in corporate with rotating bosses, changing companies, getting promoted, and feeling unfulfilled through it all, until I realized I was the only constant in every one of those rooms. Until you do that inner work, you carry the same pattern into the next place, and the next, and the next.

Overstaying can do a lot of damage, if you aren't mindful of what's going on. Overstaying is often driven by fear, scarcity, inertia, the comfort of the devil you know, and sometimes an addiction to being the expert. It rarely shows up as one big moment. It's death by a thousand cuts: rotating bosses that make you believe you need to be in constant in proving energy, the disrespect you keep excusing, the values that quietly stopped aligning, the responsibilities that drifted into work you don't even like. And the loudest sign of all is your body which can look like panic attacks, migraines, tightness, and dread, all the while indicating to you that a chapter was already over.

Chapters end. Sometimes before we wanted them to, and that's okay. Trees die, flowers die, and they regrow. The work is learning to read your own patterns so you recognize how you may be getting in your own way, and start making space for what's going to serve you.

Episode Highlights:

• The two big mistakes leaders make: leaving too soon and overstaying.
• Why "everyone else is the problem" is usually a sign you skipped the inner work.
• The real reasons we overstay: scarcity, inertia, and the comfort of the devil we know.
• How overstaying can show up as death by a thousand cuts, not one big event.
• Looking for clues from your body for the truth.
• How to apply these lessons to leading others, including letting high performers move on.

Quotables:

• "I was the only constant in the equation."
• "You shouldn't have to mold yourself to such an extent that you don't even recognize yourself anymore."
• "Trees die. Flowers die. They regrow. You replant all the things."

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo
Editing by: Starlin Media

Today I’m talking to you about something that’s hard to learn until you go through it: starting new jobs in new industries, new companies, and even new roles. In this episode, I share the counsel I’ve gained from my own career transitions, including the time I entered a new company where the product was entirely in Spanish.

The most critical step to take before you begin a new role is to clear out the baggage and negative energy strings you’re bringing from your past. Because if you don’t you may be bringing the same behavior patterns to your next role that will not just impact your success, but perhaps more so your ability to find contentment.

Once you’re in that role, one of the most helpful things you can do from day one is observe how decisions are made, and identify who holds the power and influence in your new organization. This also requires patience because it takes time to understand how things work, which means it’s also important to ask questions when you are unsure or confused. If you hold back from this in an effort to look like you have it all together, it’ll just take you that much longer to come up to speed. When you stop trying to prove you know everything and start being authentic about what you don’t know, you actually gain respect. That whole old way of leading where you had to have all the answers was always nonsense, and being honest about what you don’t know (aka vulnerability) is what truly builds trust.

Tune in to learn why getting proper support during a transition and making space for integration are the keys to entering your next chapter successfully.

Episode Highlights:

• Why bringing past resentments and proving energy into a new role will ruin your start.
• How observing decision-making processes and power structures helps you avoid early landmines.
• The reason why admitting you don’t have all the answers builds trust, and why the old standard of leadership was never legit.
• Why standing in your value and refusing to put yourself above or below anyone else is critical for your success.
• How to set boundaries for self-care and integration, while absorbing massive amounts of new information.

Quotables:

• "If you got laid off, you got laid off, honey. This is the world we operate in now."
• "The minute you put yourself above or below someone else is the minute that you're either giving your power away or you're silencing those that work for you or alongside you."
• "Make sure you’re making time and space for reflection, for integration, for learning, because that's going to go so far in terms of how you are processing and making intentional choices about how you're showing up."

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: https://adriandimatteo.com
Editing by: Starlin Media

We evolve as leaders, and that's normal. But we operate in environments, and around people that want us to stay the same. In this episode I talk about what it really takes to grow: letting old parts of who you are die off so that new growth can take root. This old version might be operating from a place of fear, from people pleasing, or from ways of working that aren't working anymore.

To bring this idea to life, I share the story of a tree I was growing on my rooftop that died, and what it taught me about who we become once we shed what no longer serves us. The hardest part isn't always the change itself, it can be the people around you who are not willing or able to see who you have become.

When you stop protecting the old version of yourself and start thinking and acting in ways that feel better to you, your leadership starts to sing. The shedding makes room for the new growth, and the new growth is what carries you to the next level.

Tune in to learn why the fear of discovering who you really are may be the reason why you're feeling stuck.

Stop letting self-doubt dictate your decisions. Take back the power from your inner critic and take the Inner Critic Compass today to see which one is running your show. As a gift, I'll send you a toolkit to help you on your path to be your own best friend: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass

Episode Highlights:

• The fear of discovering who you really are under the masks, and why the version of you on the other side is always more beautiful than the one you learned to be.
• Why people may keep treating you like the old you even after you have changed (confirmation bias), and how to invite them to see and rebuild trust in who you are now.
• Why all digital transformation is human transformation, and how shedding old ways of working makes room for new growth in your leadership and your life.

Quotables:

[11:45] "It may be scary to discover who you really are, but it is always, always 100% guaranteed more beautiful than the version of yourself that you've learned to be."

[12:55] "That new tree wasn't a new tree at all. It was actually a new growth from the old tree that I thought had fully died."

[24:55] "Who you were yesterday is not going to be who you are tomorrow, if you are committed to your constant growth and evolution."

Tosca's Links and Resources:

Take the Inner Critic Compass Quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass
Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
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Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com
Editing by: Starlin Media

Being hooked but not attached means staying fully committed to the dream you're building, while loosening your grip on exactly how, when, and in what form it shows up. After 100 episodes of my podcast, I had a call with my OG coach that brought something into focus. My struggle was never really about the views, the listens, or the feedback. It was that I'm hooked on the dream itself, the service I want to be in the world and the impact I want to have. When you stop measuring your worth by vanity metrics, and start honoring the truth of what you're here to do, your energy shifts, the pressure lifts, and you can keep going in the direction of your desires.

Tune in to learn how staying attached to vanity metrics quietly unhooks you from your bigger vision. Tune in for the reminder that showing up with consistency, faith, and sustained belief is what carries a dream to fruition. And remember that we get to plant seeds even if we’re still deciding what we want our future to look like.

Episode Highlights:

• Untangle the difference between being hooked on your dream (the belief, trust, and faith it matters) and being attached to a specific outcome, metric, or timeline.
• Notice the trap of chasing external validation including likes, listens, and algorithms, and how relying on the external for your motivation is a hard, unsustainable way to live.
• The result of letting go: a new chapter, renewed consistency, and the awareness of the signs that confirm your path, even when they don't come from the places you’d expect.

Quotables:

[4:05] "I'm hooked on the belief and the trust and the faith that my dream matters and that I can achieve it."

[7:13] "What you're planting will grow, but you have to get it unattached to what exactly it's going to look like when it does bust through that ground."

[18:10] "These are the kinds of signs that go beyond the vanity metrics that we live in today, that go beyond the external validation that we're constantly seeking. Those are the signs that matter the most."

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: https://adriandimatteo.com
Editing by Starlin Media: https://starlinmedia.com/

Managing up is one of the most important skill sets you can develop as a leader, and almost nobody teaches it.

You don't take a class on this in school and you likely are not mentored around how to do it. With the prevalent ‘power over’ approach to leadership that runs rampant today, we are trained to simply do what we’re told. It may sound counter intuitive, but to be a great steward of yourself, your team, your projects and your goals, you have to be a steward of clear communication and expectation setting.

Here's where I want to slow it down. Before you get to the how of managing expectations, whether that's above you, below you, across from you, etc., you have to do the deeper work of understanding that you need to put yourself at the same level as everyone else. Despite what the hierarchy may say, nobody is above you and nobody is below you. Not in terms of you being an equal human to everybody else. Period. Point blank.

We've been trained not just to say ‘yes’, but to defer. We’ve been trained to get it done at all costs at any cost. And of course, we’ve been trained usually to do things the way our manager likes, or the way the template dictates, and are not encouraged to allow our own style and creativity to shine through. We have to decondition from this type of thinking in the new age of leadership.

I know this work intimately because I’ve been in large multinational organizations with high expectations, high standards, and significant pressure to win in the marketplace. The pressures of our capitalist society, of constant growth, and of constant increase of profits, mean that there's often unrealistic expectations placed on us. So what we have to do is manage up, down, and all around, and that means we will have to name the things that people don't want to hear.

Episode Highlights:

• Why managing up is one of the most important leadership skills and why nobody teaches you how to do it
• The deeper work of honoring that you are not above and not below anyone else
• How to communicate timeline disruptions without bringing problems. Bring obstacles, reality, and potential solutions.
• The "here's the menu, which way do you want to go?" approach that empowers both you and your leader
• Why documenting in writing isn't just CYA, it's how you land the point and help people make better decisions
• How checking in on priorities keeps you from running and gunning toward something that changed two months ago
• Why over-communicating is your friend, especially in new roles, new companies, or with new leadership
• How managing expectations enables setting appropriate boundaries and protecting yourself from burnout

Quotables:

• [01:04:50:15] "The very first step of this work is for you to honor that you are not above and you are not below anyone else, that you are just as valuable."
• [01:07:35:20] "I'm not saying bring the problems to your leadership or to the stakeholders. I'm saying bring the obstacles, bring the reality, and then bring potential solutions."
• [01:08:50:14] "This is how you both empower yourself and empower your leader to say, here's the menu. Which way do you want to go?"
• [01:16:24:04] "We have to break the systems that are happening right now. In order to break the systems, we have to change how we lead."

Stop letting self-doubt dictate your decisions and actions. Take back the power from your inner critic and take the Inner Critic Compass today to see which one is running your show. As a gift, I'll send you a toolkit to help you on your path to be your own best friend: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for:

Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: https://adriandimatteo.com

Hunting for the next title, that next rung of the upward ladder can be a huge mistake if you're looking for a long, sustainable, successful career. But if the title is your end all be all goal, then my dear, you have got to listen to this episode.

You see the illusion is that the title gives us more leadership authority. The illusion is that it gives us more power, and more ability to influence. That is simply not the full truth. We have to ask ourselves, where is that belief coming from? Is it coming from a purely egoic standpoint? Is it coming from a place of proving energy?

In the pursuit of what's next, what's more helpful than looking at job titles is to be crystal clear and articulate about what it is you're seeking.

• Are you seeking growth?
• Are you seeking a manager that believes in you?
• Are you seeking opportunities that expand your skill set?

In this episode I provide a very specific example of where I took a left turn versus going straight up the ladder very early on in my career. I went from managing several employees to schlepping potatoes, literally. But I learned a whole other skill set. And it led to opportunities that I could never have imagined.

Episode Highlights:

• Why hunting for the next title is a huge mistake that so many make.
• How we miss the forest through the trees if we stay in vertical routes.
• How our identities are so closely intertwined with how we see ourselves and our value.
• Why we need to look at the truth: our value is our value is our value regardless of any kind of label.
• Questions to ask that expand possibilities and get you out of that maniacal focus on the title.

Quotables:

• "[01:00:07:22 - 01:00:13:01] The illusion is that the title gives us more leadership authority."
• "[01:00:24:23 - 01:00:31:10] I had to unhook from how I was attaching my identity to these titles"
• "[01:08:37:17 - 01:08:43:02] I decided I wanted to go to the produce department. Now, what was I thinking?"

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for:
Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

Personality tests. I'm just going to say it: I'm not a fan.

Unpopular opinion? Perhaps, but we need to talk about the use of personality assessments in the workplace, because I think we need to have an honest conversation about this.

Here's my problem. These assessment tools (like Myers-Briggs, DISC, Colors, etc.) they want to put you in a box. They want to give you a label that isn't even your own language. And yes, they can be revealing. Yes, they can help you see yourself more clearly in some ways. But what we lose is even more nuance. And that's where the magic of understanding yourself deeply actually comes from.

I've filled out many of these assessments over the years working in multinational organizations. In one instance, I was singled out for having attributes that were not the norm on the team and was made to feel that this was a problem versus an asset. This is the kind of misuse that we need to be aware of.

When tools are used without the proper support, without the right investment, without the care they require, they can erode trust or worse.

Episode Highlights:

• Why I don't use personality assessments in my practice, and what I believe goes so much deeper
• How these tools reinforce compartmentalization, and strip away the nuance of who you really are
• These assessments are measuring your conditioned responses, not your authentic self
• What to do if a past assessment was used to shame or weaponize your identity
• Five self-reflection questions to start knowing yourself on your own terms, in your own language

Quotables:

• [01:02:24:01] "...I have a problem with any tool that wants to put you in a particular box and give you a particular label."
• [01:03:07:12] "...the magic of understanding yourself deeply comes from really understanding the nuance of who you are and using language that actually resonates with you, not language you're forced to use because that's what's in the assessment."
• [01:16:44:15] "...we are not labels. We can't be put in boxes. We are more expansive than the sky and the stars."

Stop letting self-doubt dictate your decisions. Take back the power from your inner critic and take the Inner Critic Compass today to see which one is running your show. As a gift, I'll send you a toolkit to help you on your path to be your own best friend: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for: Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

Perfectionism is a word that I generally haven’t identified with to a large extent. If somebody were to ask, "Are you a perfectionist?" I probably wouldn’t raise my hand immediately. Why? Because deep down I know that perfectionism is an illusion. Perfectionism is defined by other people and requires effort trying to reach some gold standard that quite frankly is unrealistic, not achievable and sometimes not even definable.

What’s actually going on behind perfectionism are behaviors of double checking, triple checking, and ruminating. All of these things are about self protection. It's about avoiding disappointment, ridicule, humiliation or perhaps even shame.

I share the story of when I received this label of ‘perfectionist’ as feedback from a boss early in my career, the impact it had on me, and also the opportunity she missed in providing helpful information and resources.

Tune in to learn why we need to ask ourselves, what's really important in this situation? It might just be time to let good be good enough, and use positive messages to motivate yourself from a place of being your own best friend.

Episode Highlights:

• Untangling the flawed conditioning from growing up in education systems where it felt like perfection was attainable, realistic, and made sense as a goal.
• Noticing how your behaviors behind perfectionism are really about avoiding disappointment, ridicule, humiliation and shame.
• See how to stop self sabotaging behaviors to have more impact.

Quotables:

• [01:15:55:23] "...net net, perfectionism is a form of self sabotage."
• [01:07:34:04] "...if we are looking at what does 100% look like, what it comes with is a huge opportunity cost."
• [01:21:26:00] "...if you were being your own best friend... you would say, 'Honey, you've done enough. It's good enough. Put it out there. Let it go.'"

Stop letting self-doubt dictate your decisions. Take back the power from your inner critic and, take the Inner Critic Compass today to see which one is running your show. As a gift, I’ll send you a toolkit to help you on your path to be your own best friend: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for:
Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

The term "imposter syndrome" is one that every time I hear it, I cringe. The reason is that nobody is an imposter, and you cannot diagnose this as a clinical syndrome. Using this language perpetuates the underlying issue of people not feeling good enough. What is actually going on is an inner dialogue, an inner narrative, or an inner critic going on in your head that is telling you all kinds of lies.

Tune in to learn why we need to stop using this language altogether, so that you can motivate yourself from a place of love and abundance. It is time to recognize your skill gaps for what they truly are: a beautiful opportunity to grow into.

Episode Highlights:

• Untangling the flawed conditioning that negative stimuli is an effective way to drive results.
• Noticing how your inner critic tells you lies like "you do not deserve to be here".
• The result of seeing a skill gap as an expansion of your Human Skills rather than a syndrome.

Quotables:

[01:00:51:22] "And the reason for that is because nobody's an imposter... you cannot diagnose this as a clinical syndrome."
[01:04:45:02] "...we have been so conditioned in society to think that this negative stimuli is okay to drive the kind of results that we want for ourselves. And I think that is completely outdated."
[01:05:28:03] "...what I think is a much powerful form of fuel is to be your own best friend and to be your cheerleader and to motivate yourself from a place of love."

Stop letting self-doubt dictate your decisions. The Inner Critic Compass is a practical tool designed to help you silence negative self-talk, overcome self-sabotage, and build lasting confidence.

Take control of your mindset and get the Inner Critic Compass today: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for:
Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: https://adriandimatteo.com