The Unlock Lab

This conversation with Rebecca Gunter is the inspiring leap-of-faith story we all need right now! At the age of 56, Rebecca put her house on the market and packed up her car to drive 4,000 miles to Portland, Oregon - a dream of hers for over 30 years.

We recorded this two weeks before her departure date, so it’s full of emotion and anticipation, and it’s honest about how uncomfortable it is when you have no idea what lies ahead. Rebecca talks about why there is no safe choice anymore, and why she’s treating the whole move as an experiment instead of a forever plan. We talk about her financial situation and what it takes to get in the car anyway.

We get into what it feels like to be held when you’re used to holding everyone else, why her first instinct is to shrink and take up less space, and why hyper-independence is a trauma response. Rebecca shares what success really looks like for her for this transition. It’s not what you think it is.

Episode Highlights:

• Putting your entire life in a Yahtzee cup and shaking it out at 56.

• Why big life changes are rarely linear.

• Your brain will look for every piece of evidence that this is a bad idea.

• Framing a big move as an experiment, not a forever decision.

• Letting yourself be held, and the urge to shrink and take up less space.

• It’s not failure, it’s experimentation.

• Defining success differently.

Quotables:

“It’s not impossible to put your entire life on a Yahtzee cup and shake it out and see what happens.” (Rebecca Gunter)

“There is no safe choice. You’re either going for something and experimenting with it or you’re not.” (Rebecca Gunter)

“We don’t really ever fail. We just learn forward.” (Tosca DiMatteo)

“I just want to be more myself.” (Rebecca Gunter)

“Hyper-independence is a trauma response.” (Rebecca Gunter)

“We always live in community. This is how we survive. This is how we thrive.” (Tosca DiMatteo)

“It’s not failure. It’s experimentation. Sometimes experiments are expensive. But what’s more expensive, in my opinion, is not experimenting at all.” (Rebecca Gunter)

About Rebecca: 

Rebecca Gunter is what happens when insatiable curiosity and pattern recognition become a business model.

For more than 20 years, she has made a living by getting underneath complicated problems, figuring out what is actually going on, and helping people turn that understanding into something useful: a decision, a direction, a sentence, a system, a plan.

She is professionally unwilling to leave the obvious alone — writing, strategizing, hosting, questioning, and helping brilliant people make sense of the things they can feel but cannot yet find the words for.

Rebecca is the founder of Stoned Fruit, a positioning and messaging studio, and the practitioner behind Brandthropology, a Socratic and ethnographic approach to uncovering what is actually true. She is also the author of Truth Pudding, a Substack for high-velocity doers/thinkers who want a more intimate human conversation about courage, liberation, ambition, reinvention, and what it takes to build a life and body of work on your own terms.

Because sovereignty is sacred.

She has a special allergy to performed professionalism, mid-level mediocrity, and anything that requires interesting people to become less interesting in order to be taken seriously.

Rebecca’s Links:

stonedfruit.comrebeccaguter.com 

truthpudding.com 

https://www.youtube.com/@stonedfruit https://www.linkedin.com/in/rebeccalaytongunter/

Tosca’s Links and Resources:

• Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass

• Sign up for Tosca’s Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

• Tosca’s Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Production:

• Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

• Editing by: Starlin Media

Welcome back to The Unlock Lab. Today I’m introducing you to my guest and my friend, Surabhi Lal, PhD. Surabhi is an expert on belonging who recently completed her PhD with a qualitative study on belonging in the workplace, and this is her very first podcast since her dissertation went out into the world. She’s a facilitator, coach and consultant who helps leaders build human-centered cultures, and I’m so honored she brought this work to The Unlock Lab.

We start with a myth that needs busting: belonging is not the same as fitting in. Surabhi shares how the question ‘do you feel more Indian or more American?’ followed her through life, and why so many companies think that because they gave you a t-shirt, everybody now belongs (spoiler, they don’t). Her definition of belonging is feeling valued, respected and connected to those around you, in a place where you feel congruent with your identity and your values. We get into masks versus dials, why sensitivity can be a superpower, and the core of it all, which is belonging to yourself.

Then we get practical. If you’ve been wondering whether you still belong where you work, Surabhi offers this question: are you coping, or are you trying to fix things? If you’re only coping, you may already be on your way out. We talk about other signs as well (coming home more tired, getting irritated more quickly, finding less joy), and why I always say the biggest mistake people make in their career is that they either overstay or leave too soon.

If you’re interested and passionate about impacting workplace culture, Surabhi walks through the six components of workplace belonging from her research. The good news is that you can have a profound impact on doing the little things, because we are all agents of belonging. Tune in to hear why return-to-office doesn’t automatically equal culture, what belonging has to do with loyalty, and the small, inexpensive practices that make people feel like they matter.

Episode Highlights:

‘We gave you a t-shirt, now we all belong’ and why that’s not enough.

Surabhi’s definition of belonging: valued, respected, connected, and congruent with who you are.

Masks versus dials, and turning parts of yourself up and down without losing yourself.

Being invisible and hyper visible at the same time.

The ecosystem of belonging, starting with belonging to yourself (authenticity and purpose).

Reframing sensitivity as a superpower.

Are you coping or are you fixing? How to know when it might be time to leave your job.

The six components of workplace belonging: connected, trusted, included, agency, respected, and valued.

Why the little things matter, and why we’re all agents of belonging.

How belonging shapes loyalty, longevity and career decisions.

Town halls, feedback loops, and building workplaces where people’s voices go somewhere.

Belonging is both me and we.

Episode Specific Links

Website: https://www.surabhilal.com

Dissertation Video: https://aura.antioch.edu/etds/1325/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/surabhilal

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/slcollabventures/

Guest Bio:

Surabhi Lal, PhD cultivates workplaces where human connection and strategic performance thrive together. Her research centers on workplace belonging and creating a better future of work. Surabhi earned her PhD from Antioch University where she conducted a phenomenological study on understanding workplace belonging, actions and behaviors that contribute to workplace belonging, and developed an ecosystem model for workplace belonging.

Tosca's Links and Resources:

Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for:

Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

Welcome to a new kind of episode on The Unlock Lab. Instead of talking about inner critic work, you get to bear witness to it live, with my guest Sonya Costello. Sonya said yes to having her session recorded, and I’m so grateful for her openness and her big, beautiful heart.

Sonya is the founder of Be Love Movement and came in wanting to kick her self doubt to the curb in all aspects of her life. She was especially ready to quiet the voice that shows up when she’s doing something new in her business who asks ‘who do you think you are?’ She admitted that she floats in and out of confidence, and that she stays in the not confident place more than she’d like.

So we embarked upon an embodied experience (called Parts Work) and we did something that might sound counter intuitive; we gave that inner critic the floor. Sonya named him (yes him!) ‘Old Friend’, and when I asked how old Old Friend thought that Sonya was, he said 15. This was not surprising because our inner critics were formed at a time when we needed their protection. When we got curious about what old friend was protecting her from, you may be surprised to hear: ‘the fear of being happy’.

After “Old Friend” exited, Sonya came back fully, as her almost 54 year old self, and spoke right back to him. You’ll hear her find a boundary she can actually feel in her body, and thank Old Friend for all those years of protection while letting him know she doesn’t need it anymore. We close with practical ways to keep this alive after the session, from planting your feet on the ground to a cozy blanket at your desk. Tune in to see what’s possible when you shift your relationship with your inner critic in your body, and not just in your head.

Episode Highlights:

Naming your inner critic, and what NOT to name them.

Giving the inner critic the floor to say everything it wants you to hear.

What your inner critic is protecting you from, including the fear of being happy.

Speaking up for yourself from your full age, wisdom, and experience.

Setting a boundary you can feel in your body, not just say.

Why thanking your inner critic for its protection is helpful.

Catching the critic before you freeze, and why there’s no one right tool.

Practices to keep the shift alive: grounding, breath, imagery, and a cozy blanket.

Quotables:

“I hear you. This is an old story and this is not my truth.” (Sonya Costello)

“Thank you for protecting me all these years, and I don’t need your protection anymore.” (Sonya Costello)

“I’ve got this. And I’ve got me.” (Sonya Costello)

“It’s about claiming your power in that moment where you know that sometimes you have given it away.” (Tosca DiMatteo)

“Even if you didn’t catch it, but you’re in the moment, you can come back to it.” (Tosca DiMatteo)

About Sonya

Sonya Costello is a multi-skilled professional based in Asheville, NC. She owns her own online business management and Pinterest strategy company, teaches yoga, and is a certified Reiki Master. In the past, she's managed a techno music store, a yoga studio, and festival healing arts spaces. She once led 480 strangers in a collective “Om” chant at a TEDx event. Sonya is the founder of two brands, Be Love Biz Solutions and the Be Love Movement, both built on the belief that love is the best and most effective business strategy.

Be Love Biz Solutions: https://www.sonyacostello.com/

Be Love Movement: https://www.sonyacostello.com/belovemovement

Tosca’s Links and Resources:

Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass

Sign up for Tosca’s Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

Tosca’s Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Production:

Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

Editing by: Starlin Media

Welcome back to The Unlock Lab. After six live coaching sessions with my client Kathleen (a pseudonym to protect her privacy), I wanted to take a moment to share what’s still sticking with me, a question I often ask my clients at the end of a session: ‘What’s sticking with you now?’ 

The first thing that stuck with me is that nobody wants to be told what to do. Coaching as a discipline is about showing someone new options when they’re ready to take them in. It’s about helping them reveal what they already know. A side note on this is that when we try to support people who don’t want it or aren't ready, it only drains your energy.

The second is how much our past shapes our patterns today. It’s not water under the bridge if you haven’t found your way through it. I don’t believe in the idea that people can be broken, or subscribe to needing to ‘fix’ anything about ourselves. There are only new choices for how we move forward. 

The third is the healing power of sharing our stories out loud, whether that’s with a coach, a dear friend, or someone you love. I hope this encourages you to reveal more about your struggles and your wins with people you trust. 

Supporting Kathleen on the podcast showed me what brings me the most joy on the podcast, which is being with someone on the journey of their own unlock. So you’re going to find more guests on The Unlock Lab who are working through something and some of those conversations will be live coaching. If you’d like to have your own unlock on the podcast, reach out through the contact information below.

I close this episode with something I want to normalize. Career transitions are tough (they’re meant to be), and right now so many industries are being disrupted, and not just by AI. An aha doesn’t mean everything is resolved, and that the path will be linear from there, whether you’re leaving corporate, changing functions, or running your own business. The business or career you built on day one isn’t the business you’ll have on day 1,000. Tune in to hear why this season is the perfect time to let go of the old and make space for the new.

Episode Highlights:

• ‘What’s sticking with you now?’ and why it’s a powerful question after any big conversation.

• Re-listening without self-judgment, and letting go of ‘what should I have done?’

• Why nobody wants to be told what to do, and how coaching helps people find their own path.

• The energy drain of helping people who don’t want to be helped.

• How the heavy lifting in coaching shifts from coach to client over time.

• Why our past shapes our patterns, and why it’s not water under the bridge.

• Why nobody is broken, and there’s nothing to fix.

• The healing power of sharing your stories out loud.

• A shift for the podcast: more guests, more live unlocks, and how to have your own.

• Career transitions at a mass scale: disruption, restructuring, and the way through.

• Why an aha isn’t the end of the story, and the path isn’t linear.

• Your business evolves too: day one versus day 1,000.

• Letting go of the old to make space for the new.

Quotables:

“I really don’t believe anybody’s broken. I don’t believe there’s anything to fix.” 

“It’s not water under the bridge if you haven’t found your way through it.” 

“Hearing other people’s stories, I think, helps us feel less alone.” 

Episode Specific Links

• Interested in having your own unlock on The Unlock Lab? Get in touch: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

Tosca’s Links and Resources:

• Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass

• Sign up for Tosca’s Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

• Tosca’s Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Production:

• Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

• Editing by: Starlin Media

This was the final session in the series of six live coaching sessions, and we dive into the topics of money, value, and worth as Kathleen recognized her resistance to paid clients vs unpaid clients.

Early on Kathleen names the belief she's been living: that she has to choose between income, fulfillment and legitimacy. She then shares her experience of what’s going on inside her head once a paying client comes knocking at her door; fear fo failure, imposter syndrome, not being worth the money, and many other harsh messages.

This led to asking about how she wanted to define success for her business and a deeper discussion about her fears and resistance, inner critic messages and the security she craves. The conversation around living your life differently and having your income arrive through a different source than a company led to what the process looks like in terms of expansion. She realized she was quite attached to her blocks - and what a great question we can ask ourselves. Are you attached to your blocks and challenges?

As Kathleen shares about her experiences as a child, she starts to see the deeper belief system that she’s been holding onto that isn’t aligned. Part of this had to do with recognizing that she had a parent that had a complicated relationship with money and that it impacted her more than she really realized. She admitted that it was first time she was able to connect the dots of how money was viewed growing up as she’s grappling with the shift of corporate versus entrepreneurship career options. And that deeper still she could see that the real issue wasn’t about financial security - it was about emotional presence.

I think this session shows how you think you're going to look at one topic and end up finding something underneath it, which has been the subconscious reasons behind your decision patterns. There was so much to this exploration I hope you dive in to see what connections you can make in your own patterns.

This ending is bittersweet for me. Being able to stand alongside Kathleen on this incredible ride brought richness to my life and now I trust that the next leg of her journey is exactly what she needs.

Tune in to see how it all wrapped up and how Kathleen was unwavering in digging deeper and deeper for the truth.

Episode Highlights:

• The belief that you must choose between income, fulfillment, and legitimacy.
• Seeing a long-held belief clearly enough to recognize it was never true.
• Why resolving something internally changes what you experience externally.
• How it can be harder to identify what’s missing in what we need.
• How money can be the default issue behind other needs.

Quotables:

• "It was always an illusion that you came to believe was the truth." — Tosca DiMatteo
• "It was like a giant misunderstanding." — Kathleen
• "When something isn't resolved inside of you, the world gives you the gift of an opportunity to resolve it." — Kathleen

Resources Mentioned:

• Never Search Alone

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: Inner Critic Compass
• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: Newsletter
• Tosca's Website: toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: Contact Tosca
• LinkedIn: Tosca DiMatteo on LinkedIn
• Instagram: Tosca DiMatteo on Instagram

Production:

• Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: adriandimatteo.com
• Editing by: Starlin Media

In this session number 5 of 6 with Kathleen we started with a debrief from a Dreams and Obstacles event that she attended, which was inspired by Barbara Sher's framework. It was a power move for her to do the work to get ready to say her dream out loud and make the ask in front of room filled with generous people eager to help. The surprise twist is that she didn’t get the chance to do so, but realized that the journey of the preparation was the bigger bigger point than the destination itself. She realized that the point wasn’t to ‘hit the easy button’, but rather about the experience of being at the event.

Kathleen also shared insights around how her energy got unstuck, including the big shift from thinking about all the reasons her dreams wouldn’t be possible, to thinking about all the possibilities. 

We then dove into her business positioning and messaging conversation. But this wasn’t an exercise in identifying marketing strategy and language, it was about talking freely about the experiences that Kathleen has grown through, and how she wants to help others. At one point she said “I’m having a realization as I’m saying this” and that’s exactly why I think being able to speak your story aloud to someone that can hold it is so helpful. Deep insights can come from hearing your story reflected back to you. When you listen to her talk about the kind of service she wants to provide the world, I think it will spark new insights about how your past is connected to what you’re passionate about now. 

You’ll also hear about Kathleen’s journey with her advertising and marketing career - the push and the pull of what she thinks about that work now, and how that impacts how she thinks about the marketing of her own business. This is great fodder for anyone who is toggling between a career you’ve had, and a different path you’re drawn to now. 

Towards the end of the session Kathleen mentioned a block she'd only found days earlier; that for her money and value can't seem to live in the same room. She's been fine earning while doing work she didn't care about, but now that the work matters, taking money for it feels wrong. A strong contender for the topic for her last session in this series. 

This episode is jam packed with stories and insights - and I have no doubt you will walk away with powerful questions and insights for your own journey. 

Episode Highlights:

• Why speaking your dreams and asking out loud for what you need is powerful.

• Why the outcome is irrelevant, and hearing your own voice is the real win.

• What validation really is, and why it's more powerful than we give it credit for.

• Blending somatic wisdom with analytical tools instead of choosing between them.

• The money block: I can be paid or I can be fulfilled, but not both.

Quotables:

"The outcome is irrelevant. It's the process of you getting to hear your own voice." — Tosca DiMatteo

"True validation is helping people get more clear on what they already know, and being generous enough to not be focused on taking up our space." — Kathleen

"It's like the money and the value can't live in the same room right now." — Kathleen

Episode Specific Links

Barbra Sher’s Ted Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2rG4Dg6xyI

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Production:

Editing by: Starlin Media

Something shifted for Kathleen between her third and fourth coaching sessions. This is such a powerful example of how the sessions are a container for what needs to come to the surface. AND the real transformation takes place in the integration and digestion of the conversation, and even more so in the choices my clients make when I’m not standing by their side.

Kathleen came to the session with momentum and the decision to commit to what she really wants, instead of worrying about what is or is not possible. It was a huge power move and I asked her to reflect on what actually got her unstuck. Because when you understand how you got out of the funk, you can reach for those same tools next time. Kathleen reflected on the actions she took in the previous week and we celebrated all the wins. One of these wins involved a cold call that will inspire you to pick of the phone in the pursuit of your passions! I hope this reminds you to look at all of your wins this past week, month or even year! When you tune in, you will hear that Kathleen recognized that the new news was not in the actions she took, but rather in the realization that she stopped doubting herself. She had more faith and self confidence, which allowed her to access the knowledge she had in her conversations and collaborations.

The conversation then shifted into different territory because she was looking for support in articulating what she actually does. She admits the block isn't just language, it's the fear of owning it and her worry about her new line of work feeling fraudulent. In the course of this conversation I put on a different hat to better understand her skills and do that personal brand excavation. Part of this was about delineating the difference between building what you want to build, instead of the thing you think you should build.

Episode Highlights:

• Reviewing Kathleen’s breakthrough and identifying the contributing factors.
• Why the real work so often happens between sessions.
• The fraudulent feeling that comes with claiming an ability to help people.
• Brand and story excavation that doesn’t use industry jargon.
• Building what you want versus building what you think you should.

Quotables:

"There's something about that that feels like I can't claim it, like it feels fraudulent. And maybe that's the real thing that needs to be sorted out." — Kathleen

"It takes people years to recognize ‘I built what I thought I should build versus I built what I want to build’." — Tosca DiMatteo

"So much of what happens actually isn't in these sessions. It's in the work my clients do in between." — Tosca DiMatteo

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass
• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Production:

• Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com
• Editing by: Starlin Media

This is the third session (out of six) with my client Kathleen, and we explored options for the focus of our conversation as she didn’t have something in mind at the start—which is common with lots of clients.

There was palpable resistance for a good portion of the session, but then you’ll feel how the energy started to shift as Kathleen bravely stayed in the process.

Pay attention to the 9-box exercise that you can use in your own life around your mindset towards job applications—or anything else that you completely loathe. The insight that came after I walked Kathleen through it might surprise you. It wasn’t about finding a new mindset that brought more levity to a task she despised, but rather about recognizing there was a different option that felt less heavy altogether.

Toward the end, we land somewhere you may not expect: celebration. Kathleen shared an incredible breakthrough that she had in the week between sessions. This led us to talk about how much easier it is to celebrate everyone else except ourselves.

We also talked about the relief and liberation in unhiding, and the difference between enthusiasm and optimism.

Tune in to hear what resistance looks and sounds like as an observer, and discover how you might be diminishing your own wins.

• What resistance sounds like in a session, and why it isn't failure.
• Holding many truths at once, and what that looks like.
• Assessing the job before the application, and the implications.
• The nine-box exercise, and what it revealed about her job search.
• Commitment celebration and small daily wins.
• Enthusiasm versus optimism, and why optimism for yourself is the harder one.
• The tectonic plates effect: internal shifts that show up externally later.

“I can press on the gas all I want, but if the tree is blocking the car, the car is not going anywhere.” — Kathleen

“It's so much easier for us to celebrate others than it is for us to celebrate ourselves.” — Tosca DiMatteo

“For a long time I had a hard time believing that things were possible for me, but I could believe it to the moon and back for everybody else.” — Tosca DiMatteo

• Take the Inner Critic Compass Quiz:
  https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass
• Sign Up for Tosca's Newsletter:
  http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website:
  https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca:
  https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• LinkedIn:
  https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram:
  https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

• Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo:
  https://adriandimatteo.com
• Editing by Starlin Media

This is the second session for my client Kathleen, and we start with what she noticed after our first conversation. We talked about how she felt completely drained afterward, like someone had drugged her. I shared how that’s not a bad sign, and that it’s a sign that the work is happening in her body and not just in her head.

Next we explore what she'd been sitting with between sessions, and something surfaces that neither of us went looking for. The conversation started with the fear of disappointment, and she finds the layer underneath it, which is unworthiness. She goes between thinking ‘if it doesn't happen, it's because I'm not good enough. And if it does happen, I'll feel a different version of not good enough, like I don't belong here.’

We also talk about what lights her up, and I point out something I want you to catch: what she describes is context agnostic. While she did talk about it in context with the business she’s launching, it could apply to any job, situation or career path. This is helpful because once you know the dynamics that energize you, you can place that anywhere.

You'll discover that this session doesn't land on a tidy conclusion, which is often how it goes. The hope is that we bring what needs to come to the surface in the conversation and we don’t always get to “what now”, in the session itself. Tune in to hear what happens when you go one layer deeper than the first insight that comes to the surface.

Episode Highlights:

• Why she felt physically depleted after session one, and what that indicates.
• The layer underneath the fear of disappointment.
• Why knowing what excites you can be an insight for any context.
• The zero to ten worthiness scale, and what would move her one tenth of a point.
• The desire to address the tree in the way, while dreading it at the same time.

Quotables:

"There's another layer underneath the fear of disappointment, which is the fear of unworthiness." — Kathleen

"The fact that you have a physical manifestation is an indication that the work is happening in your body, and not just in your head." — Tosca DiMatteo

"Knowing what the dynamics are can be super helpful, because you can place that anywhere." — Tosca DiMatteo

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass
• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Production:

• Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com
• Editing by: Starlin Media

Welcome to this special series where you get to bear witness and experience live coaching with a real client. Through the generosity of my client, who we're calling Kathleen to protect her privacy, you get to sit in on six full coaching sessions, recorded live. It’s the first time I’ve ever done this, and I’m thrilled for you to discover your own unlock in the process.

In this first session, I skip most of the usual relationship building, because Kathleen comes in ripe with what's happening in her life and I like to honor whatever is needed in the moment. You will soon discover that she was recently laid off, building a business she never planned to build, and feeling in her words ‘jumbled’. Her words for it: ‘it's a fork in the road, but the fork has a thousand tiny forks in between’. She's applying for jobs while quietly hoping none of them work out. She describes the choice as suffocation on one side, with failure and poverty on the other. Her life is on hold, her things are in storage, and decisions as big as having children are waiting on this to resolve.

We work through the emotions; the pull between should and want, and I offer her an experiment to find the truth of what she wants. The exercise is to notice, without judgment, whether each thing you do today is something you want to do or something you think you should do. The goal is not to change the decision, just to see what’s driving it.

I also offer her a reframe (and metaphor) about her jumbled life. Her puzzle got shaken up, and all the pieces are still in the air. She's trying to force them back into the old picture. But putting together a picture that already exists can be harder than letting the pieces land somewhere new. Tune in to hear what happens when you stop trying to figure out the whole picture, and start to trust the truth of your micro decisions.

Episode Highlights:

• Why we skipped the standard first session structure and went straight into what was present.
• The jumbledness: applying for jobs while energetically blocking them.
• Should versus want, and the awareness exercise offered.
• Why the forcing is the overwhelm.
• The exhaustion that shows up after deep work.

Quotables:

"It feels like to try to picture squeezing myself back through a keyhole into something I don't really want to do, versus just take all the wheels off of the bus and try to drive it anyway." — Kathleen

"You're exactly where you're meant to be right now, in that confusion, in the fog, in the overwhelm." — Tosca DiMatteo

"When we're in overwhelm and we're in a state of feeling all over the place, anchoring in what we want can be very helpful as a starting point." — Tosca DiMatteo

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass
• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter
• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com
• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Production:

• Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com
• Editing by: Starlin Media