The Unlock Lab

In this episode, I explore the gems of generosity in leadership.

Moving away from transactional leadership and the "what's in it for me" model, I offer generosity as a core pillar for authentic leadership.

I break down the many forms generosity can take, from giving your time, to initiating difficult conversations.

I also address the common resistance we face, such as the fear of getting burned or the overemphasis on efficiency, and explain why playing the long game in leadership will put more wins on your board.

Key Takeaways

• Generosity is about giving without the expectation of receiving anything in return.

• Generosity comes in many forms: time, assumptions, acknowledgments, care, forgiveness, difficult conversations, sharing yourself, trust, network introductions, and providing opportunities.

• Giving trust first helps us stay out of micromanaging our teams.

• Overcoming resistance to generosity requires us to decondition from a strict focus on productivity and efficiency.

• Even if the results are not immediate, the intention behind your generosity matters and is deeply felt by others.

Resources Mentioned

• Visit my website at coachtosca.com to learn more about my work and read my blog.

Tosca's Links and Resources:

Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for:

Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

Feeling stuck in a career that looks successful on paper but leaves you drained is a heavy burden to carry.

It’s a nagging sensation that you are meant for more, but your inner narrative, or even external influences might be convincing you to stay the course.

Looking at the drivers of our choices and decisions allows us to understand if we are living the life we want, or the life we think we’re supposed to live.

When we can accept the truth of our desires and make new decisions towards them, we create the space for genuine fulfillment and purpose.In my conversation with Mitch Patel, CEO of Vision Hospitality Group, you will not only hear his stories about how he broke free from expectations, you will hear about his passion for building a life and business rooted in purpose, unshakeable culture, and being a good human being.

Episode Highlights:

Untangling the belief that you have to know how to do everything before you start something new.

Noticing the fear of the unknown when shifting your career path.

The result of prioritizing values to lead with a character-driven, people-first approach in a competitive industry.

Quotables:

[01:25:11:05] "Working hard in something you don't love is stress. And working hard in something you love is passion."

[01:51:12:19] "Culture will define a company's destiny. But character will define yours."

[02:24:54:18] "Smooth seas never made a skilled sailor."

About Mitch Patel

Founder and Chief Executive OfficerChanneling a passion for the hospitality industry, Mitch Patel established Vision Hospitality Group in 1997 on a foundation of values that guide the organization to this day.

With an unwavering commitment to excellence, Mitch oversees every aspect of the company, from investment procurement to the seamless execution of daily operations.

Additionally, he oversees strategic development and implementation that has propelled Vision Hospitality Group to garner numerous awards within the industry.

Mitch holds both a bachelor’s and master’s degree in Civil Engineering from the University of Tennessee. His background in engineering informs his approach to development, capital planning, and long-term asset strategy.

In addition to his responsibilities at Vision, Mitch served as Chair of the Board of the American Hotel & Lodging Association in 2025.

In that role, he supported national advocacy efforts on behalf of the lodging industry, including workforce development and public policy initiatives.

Vision Hospitality Group: https://www.vhghotels.com/

Tosca's Links and Resources:

Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

Tosca's Website:

https://www.toscadimatteo.com

Get in Touch with Tosca:

https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for:

Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo

https://adriandimatteo.com

Are you an experienced leader who feels like you’re constantly pushing boulders up hills when managing your team?

Organizations often prioritize execution and technical expertise over everything else.

This leaves many leaders with a significant people skill gap, especially those who have risen in the ranks due to their technical and analytical expertise. If you’ve been told you need to work on your relationships in your job, there’s no shame in that.

We all have areas of opportunity.In this episode, we address why human skills are the absolute precursor to developing strong people skills. We explore why Gallup attributes 70% of team engagement directly to the manager, rather than company strategy or compensation.

You’ll learn how to tame your inner critic, heal the root wounds causing friction, and make time for people skills on your daily agenda.

Episode Highlights:

• Why 70% of team engagement is attributable to the manager.
• The critical difference between people skills and the human skills required to build them.
• A real-world example of a leader who overcame her inner critic to stop freezing in front of her CEO.
• Six essential questions to ask yourself at the beginning and end of every workday to prioritize your relationship development.

Quotables:

• "The single greatest variable in whether a team performs, stays, and thrives is the quality of human leadership their experience daily."
• "Human skills are the ability to deeply understand yourself, your thought and behavior patterns, and this is what helps you become better at people skills."
• "That's how we get better at leading is by making sure we're in the equation first.

"Tosca's Links and Resources:

Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: https://adriandimatteo.com

Intentional community is the conscious gathering of people for a specific purpose where every individual is seen, heard, and accounted for. For years, I lived with the belief that I just had to do life by myself, which was the biggest lie my inner critic ever told me.

When you move out of isolation and into a space of mutual support, you strip your inner critic of its power and begin to lead from a place of grounded truth. In this episode, I sit down with Debra Driscoll , founder of The BeHer Collective (her previous company was Big Life Magic), to explore how intentional community serves as the ultimate antidote to leadership burnout.

Tune in to learn why you might be suffering in silence despite your external success, so that you can stop performing for others and start being supported by a community. This conversation with Debra Driscoll provides the practical framework to move from isolation into authentic connection.

Episode Highlights:

Untangling the false belief that strong leadership requires you to do everything by yourself.

Noticing how the inner critic uses isolation to convince you that your struggles are personal failings.

The result of entering a space where the core agreement is to witness each other without trying to fix or heal.

Quotables:

"The inner critic is a master of isolation. It wants you alone so it can convince you that your struggle is a personal failure rather than a shared human experience."

"We have this agreement where we don't try to fix or heal anybody; we simply provide the container where you can finally stop performing and start being."

"I lived with the belief for so long that I just had to do life by myself, but that was actually the biggest lie my critic ever told me."

Tosca's Links and Resources:

Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Guest Links:

Explore Debra Driscoll’s Work:

https://thebehercollective.com/

Substack: https://thebehercollective.substack.com/

Props for: Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

Reluctant leadership is the resistance to expanding your influence, because stepping out of a functional expert role can feel intimidating. I have worked with incredibly successful leaders who hold themselves back by listening to the self-doubt in their heads instead of acting on their capability to guide others.

Accepting the leader within allows you to multiply your impact and get the results you are hoping for, and it doesn’t have to come with a sentence of sacrificing your peace or well-being.

Tune in to learn why you might be clinging to your technical expertise and avoiding the responsibility of leading so you can step into an expanded role with confidence, and healthy boundaries.  Stepping up doesn’t mean giving up your freedom; you can be successful and have a lifestyle that lights you up.

Episode Highlights:

• Untangling the belief that you are not a "people person" by recognizing the relationship building that has already contributed to your success.

• Noticing the fear of losing control that leads to hyper-vigilance or micromanaging.

• The result of changing your approach to leadership: you get to play your own game and create an equitable situation, without resentment.

Quotables: [01:04:10:01] "It's understandable that you may feel like leading people can be the wild wild West, when you have come to prefer having control of your outcomes and not being responsible for anyone else."

[01:08:41:12] "It's not solely your expertise that there is absolutely a piece of relationship building and interacting with others that has contributed to your success."

[01:13:49:04] "So just because you have not seen leaders holding boundaries or you have not seen leaders be able to delegate as much as they need to, doesn't mean that the way you lead has to look like that at all."

Tosca's Links and Resources:

Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for: Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

Burnout is more than just being tired; it is a profound state of physical and emotional exhaustion built on ignored boundaries.

That is exactly why I brought burnout expert Cait Donovan onto the podcast.

Healing this condition requires addressing the deep internal wounds rather than just applying surface-level fixes to the symptoms.

Listen to learn how high achievers miss the early warning signs of burnout so that you can identify your true needs and begin a real healing process.

It is time to step out of the exhaustion cycle and reclaim your energy. You can be a highly impactful leader and experience profound peace.

Episode Highlights:

Understanding interoception: Cait explains how childhood experiences and hypervigilance prevent us from recognizing our own body's basic signals.

Noticing the habit of ignoring resentment: We explore how to recognize resentment as a blaring alarm bell indicating where you are self-abandoning to please someone else.

The danger of DIY recovery: Why burnout recovery is not a solo project and why you desperately need a mirror to see your blind spots.

Prevention vs. Recovery: Why traditional stress management and gratitude practices will actually irritate you if you are already in a state of burnout.

Quotables:

"Let resentment guide you. It will tell you every single time where you are self-abandoning to please someone else." [Cait Donovan]

"If you are burnt out and someone tells you to do a gratitude practice, you have my full permission to punch them in the throat." [Cait Donovan]

"Burnout recovery and burnout prevention are not the same strategies." [Cait Donovan]

Learn More About Cait Donovan:

Website: https://www.caitdonovan.com/

Tosca's Links and Resources:

Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

Tosca's Website:

https://www.toscadimatteo.com

Get in Touch with Tosca:

https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for: Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

We live in a world that worships execution. We are obsessed with the "How” the strategy, the tactics, the ten-step plans. But often, we are trying to build a bridge before we even know where we want it to land. This is the trap of prioritizing the doing over the being.

I see this pattern constantly with my clients, and I have lived it myself. We want the lightning bolt of clarity to hit us so we can sprint into action. But more often than not, clarity doesn't scream; it whispers. When we force the "How" without anchoring in the "What," we waste time, energy, and spirit.

Tune in to learn how to disrupt your need for immediate answers and silence the noise of the outside world. I’m sharing a two-step approach to finding clarity that might just save you from climbing the wrong mountain.

Episode Highlights:

• The "Jackie" Story: How a client went from desperate for a new job to finding deep contentment right where she was.

• The Lightning Bolt Myth: Why waiting for a massive sign is actually a form of procrastination.

• Silence the Noise: The critical importance of a "content diet"—shutting down social media and well-meaning opinions to hear your own voice.

• The "Simmer" Technique: How I am currently letting a big idea (hosting a retreat) cook on low heat instead of forcing the logistics.
  

Quotables:

• [01:03:55] "You're putting the cart before the horse right. And you are often going to waste a lot of time and energy because you don't have the anchor in your what."
  

• [01:14:57] "It doesn't happen on your timeline. It's not your timeline; you're not in control. It's going to happen when it's meant to happen."
  

• [01:15:26] "Most of the time it's very whispers coming from your internal guidance. That's why I say you have to be still."
  

Tosca’s Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

• Tosca’s Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for: Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

We often think our inner critic is just who we are, but that is not the truth. If you aren't cognizant, that inner voice will start as a tiny snowflake and snowball until it convinces you that nothing is worth it anymore. In this episode, I share the specific five-step framework I use with my 1:1 clients and organizations to help them stop the spiral and interact better with one another.

Tune in to hear a real-time example of how I navigated a trigger just last week when someone questioned if this podcast was "worth it". You will learn how to identify the specific toxic fuel you’ve been running on and swap it for the sustainable fuel of self-belief.

Episode Highlights:

• Separation: Why you must visualize your critic as separate from your core self (and why you shouldn't name it after a family member!).

• The "Toxic Fuel" Myth: Understanding that shame and meanness are like gas—they burn dirty and eventually run out—whereas self-compassion is sustainable energy.

• The Interruption: How to use physical movement, music, or even a shower to physically cleanse the negative thought pattern.

• The Vacation Technique: You don't need to shame your critic; you need to love it enough to send it on a permanent vacation.

Quotables: [01:05:26] "When it comes to your inner critics, it's often creating a narrative that you can't 100% confirm with certainty, which means it's a lie." [01:09:42] "Shame and a mean voice is not a sustainable way of motivating you... you're never going to move through tough emotions if you keep beating yourself up." [01:12:16] "Your inner critic loves you deeply... it's only using the tools that it has... trying to keep you safe from disappointment."

Tosca's Links and Resources:

Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

Inner Critic Packages with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for: Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

We often think of public speaking as a technical skill, but it is actually a profound test of our human skills.

I recently gave a presentation on inner critics. The challenge wasn't the speaking itself, as I have done that for years, but the format. I had to condense a 45-minute keynote into a hard-hitting 10-minute talk. This shift in routine woke up my own inner critics.

The struggle is not just about remembering your talking points; it is about the emotional beatdown we give ourselves before, during, and after we speak. When we do not have a process to handle this, we rob ourselves of the ability to actually enjoy the impact we make.

Tune in to learn how to shift your focus from "performance perfection" to genuine connection. This ensures you show up fully for your audience without abandoning yourself in the process, no matter if you are speaking for 45 minutes or giving a 5-minute update.

I share my personal protocol for preparation and celebration that ensures you walk away feeling proud, regardless of the outcome.

Episode Highlights:

• The Preparation Paradox: Why memorizing your script is not about being robotic; it is about creating safety for your nervous system so you can be present.

• The Two Ways to Show Up: We always focus on showing up for the audience, but I explain why showing up for yourself with grace is the missing link.

• Celebrating the Service: How to silence the post-game analysis and simply say "I was of service" to build confidence for next time.

Quotables:

• "I teach inner critic work because I have to do so much work on myself with my own inner critics and keeping them at bay."

• "Not because you might be looking at being a speaker in your career, but more so because regardless of your professional field, you probably have to get in front of folks from time to time."

• "How are you showing up for your audience and how are you showing up yourself?"

Tosca's Links and Resources:

Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

Get in Touch with Tosca https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for: Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

Human skills are the ability to deeply look at yourself, understand your patterns, and realize that to be a successful leader, you must put yourself first in the equation of your life. For years, many of us have been indoctrinated into roles of self-sacrifice; whether as the "caregiver" or the "provider," we often find ourselves at the very end of the list. When we abandon ourselves this way, we operate from an empty tank, leading to resentment, burnout, and physical health risks.

Tune in to learn how to identify the "hits" of instant gratification that keep you from setting boundaries, and why putting yourself first is actually the most service-oriented choice you can make. By filling your own cup first, you move from depletion to an overflowing capacity that allows you to model a more patient, present, and effective way of leading in a chaotic 2026.

Episode Highlights:

• The Human Skills Deficit: Why the world has overemphasized technical skills for too long, leaving our human connection out of balance.

• The Cost of the "Yes": Tosca shares a personal story of how ignoring her own stamina during a family trip led to walking pneumonia.

• Gendered Conditioning: Breaking down how societal expectations for both women and men create a pressure to self-sacrifice to the point of self-abandonment.

• The Ripple Effect: Understanding how your self-care provides a model for others to reject hustle culture and martyrdom.

• Micro-Experiments: Practical ways to start honoring your needs, starting with something as simple as not delaying a bathroom break.

Quotables:

• [01:00:45] "To be a successful leader, you must put yourself first in the equation of your life."

• [01:01:22] "Your ability to deeply reflect on yourself, your emotions, your thoughts, your behaviors, your patterns: and your ability to then make a new choice for yourself is what will be the key for how you level up your leadership."

• [01:13:30] "You have more capacity and patience to be of service because you are actually serving from an overflowing cup versus serving from a depleted cup."

Tosca's Links and Resources:

• Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter

• Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com

• Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact

• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/

Props for: Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com