The Uplifters

”Sometimes life's greatest gifts are in the smallest things that make the biggest impact.” - Terri Tomoff

Listen to our latest episode in the player here, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts. 

This Week on The Uplifters

Ever feel like the hits just keep coming? In this episode, you’ll hear how Terri Tomoff, nominated for The Uplifters by Julie B. Hughes , got by with a little help from her friends, family, and a global community of champions during her son’s lifelong battles with recurring cancer.

When Terri Tomoff’s son Ryan was two years old, he was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia with cerebral nervous system involvement.  In the 27 years that followed, Ryan would relapse 3 times and survive tongue cancer twice as an adult.  

Their family essentially spent 8 years living in a hospital ward worried every day that they’d lose their child. Despite this, Terri found a way to “manufacture” her own sunshine through creative and athletic pursuits.  She asked for help when she needed it and relied on her friends, family, and community to prop her up.  

Terri found that keeping a photojournal of Ryan’s journey was a way she could take some control in an otherwise intractable situation.  The photojournal became the basis for her book, “The Focused Fight.”

In this episode you’ll learn practical and powerful steps for taking care of yourself and others, during even the toughest of times, including…

* [00:07:00] Ways to manufacture sunshine.

* [00:08:00] The different ways family and friends can prop you up.

* [00:11:00] Practical ways to help someone going through trying times.

* [00:11:00] How post-traumatic growth can help our healing.

* [0015:00] How Terri and her husband applied a team approach to stay solid during unthinkable challenges. 

Click to listen!

Let’s keep rising higher, together! 💓

Aransas

Messy Transcript

Julie: I would say one woman who has really inspired me is Terri Tomoff. She is the author of the Focus Fight. Her son is a cancer [00:01:00] survivor five times, and I met her through a writing group and she is just amazing, inspiring. A go getter, a mover, and a shaker. I mean, she just, she really inspires me, and I'm so blessed that 

Aransas: our paths have crossed.

Welcome to the Uplifters podcast. I'm your host, AZA savis, and today I get to introduce you to Terry. Tom. Terry is an author, a wife, a mother, a chief caregiver. A hope provider, an entrepreneur, and lifesaver. For over 24 years, Terry has advocated for childhood cancer awareness using hope, gratitude, and love.

Welcome to the Uplifters Terry. 

Terri: Thank you so much for hosting me and having me today. 

Aransas: Your son, Ryan is a five time cancer survivor. Yes. How old was he when he was first [00:02:00] diagnosed? Terry? 

Terri: He was diagnosed at age two in 1996 with acute lymphoblastic leukemia with c n s, meaning cerebral nervous system involvement.

So that meant that meant he needed to have cranial spinal radiation at age two. They don't like to radiate anyone under age four, so it was a difficult time in our lives at that pace. Yeah. 

Aransas: So you find out your baby. Mm-hmm. Who is a baby. He was, for all intents and purposes, has cancer. What was your first response to that?

I 

Terri: was in a pediatric office in Annapolis after I. Gave the symptoms of, I thought he had an ear infection and his low grade fever, and then I started adding more things and then she starts looking at his body, had the petechiae, so the blood, you know, uh, was going throughout his body, so it makes little dots on his legs and in his back, some bruising.

He said, she, she said, you know, I'm just [00:03:00] gonna, do you mind if I do a pinky stick like a pinky? For a little blood sample and I'm like, sure. I still had no idea what she was going for. So she took it and she was gone for an hour and the whole place like emptied out there was like nobody around and she came back and she said, your son has leukemia and you need to get to Georgetown University Hospital as soon as possible.

I'd light flight you down there because he was internally bleeding, which you'd never know. He went from happy active kid at eight o'clock in the morning to four o'clock. He had four IVs in all four limbs. Down at the hospital. So it was a wild ride. And I remember saying, I'm going to do two things. I'm gonna do everything in my power as a mother, as a caregiver to save this kid's life.

And I didn't know what I was walking down. So that was like my first experience. My four-year-old daughter, Olivia was four at the time. She's 31 now, but four at the time. So they were both with me cuz we were supposed to go to Olivia's swimming lesson and I was tapping my fingers like, well we gotta get out of this office cuz we gotta go to swim lessons.

We have swimming lessons. We never [00:04:00] got out. We never went to the swim lesson. 

Aransas: One of those moments that truly changes everything. 

Terri: Oh, it did that in that instant? Yes. It changed my whole life and in that instant, really. And she took me actually out to her office, or the office that's in the satellite office, and then the kids went with another.

Nurse or a staff member to watch the Disney music movie that was on. And then she told me it was like a sledgehammer or somebody just took a sledgehammer over at the top of my head. Yeah. And then I said, she goes, do you wanna talk to your, should we call your husband? I said, oh, absolutely. I go, but I won't be able to talk what you just told me.

Do you mind doing the talking? And she did. And she did a beautiful job. And I just said to my husband, bill, We'll meet you at home in an hour and we'll go from there. Now mind you, we just moved 10 weeks prior to this. My husband started a new job in Washington, DC so we didn't really know anybody. I was just kinda learning my way around Washington area in the suburb, you know, Crofton that we were living in.[00:05:00] 

And, uh, I had to ask my neighbors if they could watch our dog and my daughter, my four year old, and I'm gonna call my parents to see if they could fly. From Cleveland, Ohio, where we both moved from to Maryland and they did. I had to call my sisters to tell them, you gotta talk to mom and dad about what's going on.

But they just still, and they still didn't even really know what was going on, and I didn't get home for 35 days. They were already at the house taking care of my daughter. And the dog and everything else. And I couldn't get outta that hospital for 35 days cuz that's how long it took him to get into like a little bit of a remission so he can go into the next phase.

So that was really crazy. My mother's called me, do you think you could go home? Your daughter really misses you. I said, mom, I Not today. I'm not sure about tomorrow. It was minute by minute for a lot of the time. Yeah. Unbelievable. My son relapsed three times and then two adult cancers. Three time leukemia.

Two time tongue cancers. Yeah. He was [00:06:00] age two when he was diagnosed, and 10 when he had his transplant. So eight years worth of leukemia treatment. We lived in the hospital for eight years practically, 

Aransas: and with that many relapses, do you ever get over feeling like the other shoe is about to drop 

Terri: every day?

It's bubbling under my fingertips at all times. He just had a doctor's appointment for, with his, uh, maxillofacial surgeon on Friday, this past Friday. We walk in there, you know, I mean, I have to carry myself right, but I'm, I'm practically on the ground cuz I'm hyper, almost hyperventilating sometimes thinking, what is they gonna see now?

You know? Yes, absolutely. But we live the best we can every day's a gift and we just keep living and doing our thing every single day. And that's what, and I have to manufacture my sunshine, so I manufacture sunshine all the time. How do you do that? Well, I love to quill. I love to run. I'm a, a referee, a soccer referee, so I ref a lot of games.

He always had books with me [00:07:00] or you know, writing instruments. Of course I photo journaled Ryan's whole journey. That's how I was able to write the book, the Focus Fight. And I was able to do that cuz we couldn't control a lot of things that was happening with his body. But we certainly can control our notes, we can control that camera and we felt autonomy over that.

Right. Wow. 

Aransas: What was the impact on your family of this prolonged journey of extraordinary highs and lows with cancer? I. 

Terri: My daughter, Olivia, she played the role of the perfect child. So she got straight A's, she played soccer, you know, went all the way up, played Divisionwide. She was a regional player, so we had the highs of her playing and winning soccer games and getting on better and better at teams, you know, as, as the years went by and playing in college.

And then have my son on the other end. You know, you're waiting, you, you, you just don't know what's gonna happen day to day, minute to minute sometimes. So we had that, you know, Balancing act. I still believe it was the friends and families and the communities that we were [00:08:00] involved and engaged with that kept the impact at more of a, hopefully a status quo.

My husband and I, bill, we have a solid marriage. And when life got really tough with our son, then Aziza sha, Dr. Shah said to you guys have to find other people to prop you guys up. And he, you know, he's, he's a twin brother. He's got an identical twin. He's got a couple good si, you know, he's got six sisters.

So they, we talked to him and then, you know, my sisters and my, some really good friends, they propped me up. So then we can prop each other up as we're going through. Cuz my husband had to work to keep the insurance, to keep this whole thing going. They'll keep the ball rolling down the road, right. With all the treatment, everything.

So we're very lucky that he worked for an organization that supported that for us. Yeah, 

Aransas: definitely. That's such a good point too, about the need to be propped up by others that you couldn't be everything for one another. Even in this same way you would have if you'd had two children who [00:09:00] weren't.

Fighting for life and death, 

Terri: right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that we had some really hairy motives that we needed that extra, because I'm an extrovert card caring, by the way, and my husband's an introvert, so he processed things differently, and the impact on him was different than an impact on me. In your 

Aransas: case, you were literally in a life and death battle.

To save your son? How do you take care of yourself? 

Terri: Well, being in the hospital was tough, but when I was home, going out for a run, if I can run with some of the doctors who were runners, I would run some of the resident, we'd do a five mile loop around like the Lincoln Memorial and then come back to Georgetown.

It was a five mile loop. I could tell you all the loops around there. And having a friend to talk to, a friend to laugh with, multiple people to laugh with. Having that glass of wine every once in a while with somebody, a friend, just to knock it around a little bit and to actually to hear stories about my friend's kids, the good, what was going on in [00:10:00] their lives.

Forget about me. I wanna hear the good stuff and people would be fair. I don't wanna really say anything cuz you know, everything's going good. Yes. I wanna hear that. Good. So that was another really big one for me to hear about. The good stuff happening with all my, my nephews and my nieces and my friends' kids.

What, what, what were they up to? Because that was, that gave me hope, inspiration that, you know, maybe we'll get there someday. 

Aransas: What do you believe is the best way to show up for somebody who's going through something like this? If you wanna 

Terri: be a friend, I think you need to ask the families if you, how much you can help.

I think a lot of people, people wanna clean the house inside and all that, and I just recently figured out in the last five years who cut my grass for all those years. Somebody used to come and, I mean, our grass would be cut. You know, my husband would come home, or I know, you know, did you cut the grass?

No, but it's cut. I'm like, ok. I, I even figured out who it was, but guess what I do? I go, when I know a neighbor or something's really not doing well, I go and I, and you know, I get my, my wear out and I go and [00:11:00] cut the grass and I say, sh tell people, don't tell 'em I did this. I don't want anybody to know. So it's a pay it forward kind of thing.

If they have dogs or young kids, take 'em to practice. If you can walk the dogs, if you can water 'em, walk 'em, whatever you can do. Maybe even take the car for a car wash. They're going back and forth all the time nowadays. Gift cards, practical. I always tell people too. You can't underestimate the power of a chocolate chip cookie or a Trey Brownies, and if the family can't eat it, those residents and those nurses are gonna eat it up.

And actually, cards and letters coming to us were a big help. Cause my son, when he relapsed three times and we knew we were going for a bone marrow transplant, my husband came up with a brilliant idea. Because my son is a huge sports nutt, why don't we send an email to all our friends and family and have them send a postcard of either their hometown, the mascot at the the local college, any sports stadium.

It got spread across the world. This email. [00:12:00] We even got, so we got jerseys, soccer jerseys from Argentina and Brazil. From the teams, it got into the hands of, uh, president Bush. They sent a picture and signed from Barney, his dog. We had over 2,500 postcards and gifts sent from all over. So cuz Ryan quit talking, that postcard project really helped him.

He was able to connect on his own terms. It was so powerful. Just think about that. He's laying in bed, could barely open his eyes, but he's opening these letters from all over people he knew and people he didn't know, telling him how much they had loved him and that were rooting for you. So isn't that gonna help his whole body, that's gonna change the chemicals in his body?

Mm-hmm. If it didn't change us in our chemicals, certainly change his, did that help him survive everything? Maybe. Terry, we hear 

Aransas: in your story the power of humans supporting humans. Yes, [00:13:00] absolutely. And I hear the ways that you have both given and received that support. Sometimes I think especially as strong, capable women, it can be hard to ask for or accept 

Terri: support.

Initially we were like, oh, I think we can do it over here. And then you just wave, you're waving the white flags, you know, how many flags can I wave and say I, I'm not, I can't do it, I can't do it. I can't do it. You know, you have to, you have to pick your poison. You have to realize what you can and can't do.

My two main missions was of course, Ryan and my daughter Olivia, and keeping her safe. And you know, I missed her first day of kindergarten cause I was with Ryan and I mean, I'd have a good relationship, but I know there is some. You know, I mean, he got all the attention and sometimes still does. Mm-hmm. But she's been our, his biggest cheerleader and he's, and she's been, he's been her biggest cheerleader in every endeavor of life that they've been through together and apart.

So I will say that, but yeah, going back to the asking for help. Yeah. I, I was okay with that. And I will counsel people. I ask for the help. It's okay. [00:14:00] You can give back eventually. And my husband and I, we can't give back enough today. We'll live our rest of our days trying to help other families. There's a term for it called post-traumatic growth.

And post-traumatic growth is not for everyone, but when people go through tough situations like a war veteran, a car accident victim that survives, maybe a quadriplegic, but if they wanna give back and do things good for humanity, that as a name for it, called Post-traumatic 

Aransas: growth. And it sounds like you all are just such a powerful unit together, and I'm picturing you as four legs of a stool.

Yes. And tilting the weight as needed so that the person who needs the most support can have that support. And you've shared in so many ways how each of you has lent attention and energy and support to one another. Yeah. Through this truly. [00:15:00] Extraordinary and difficult journey. 

Terri: Yes. And that four-legged chair reminds me of how, what we call it, like the team approach.

And when my husband and I got married, We just took a team approach. We were both college athletes being on teams and we thought, well this won't be the United Front team approach and has served us well. So when Ryan got sick, we just went right into that team spirit team mode, cheering what other On cheering Ryan, on cheering our daughter on whatever it took to be that team to be strong.

Cuz you're stronger together, right? So 

Aransas: one of the things we like to do at the end of each episode, Terry, is to take a moment for ourselves. Our audience is made up of people like you, people who take care of others, who do so much for other people, and in the busyness of caring for others. It can get really difficult [00:16:00] to just take a moment for ourselves to reset.

And so I wanna just invite us to take a moment together. Absolutely. Terry, if it's okay with you, I like to do it by bringing one hand to my heart and one hand to my gut and closing my eyes. I find that really centers me and I root my feet to the earth and elongate my spine

and uplifters wherever you are, assuming you're not driving, go ahead and with your eyes closed. Just enjoy a few deep cleansing breaths

as you do. Maybe you allow your shoulders to soften and release.

Notice anywhere in your body that you might be holding tension right now. And as you breathe, imagine that [00:17:00] releasing from your body, creating a softness.

Allow your breath to deepen on in each inhale and lengthen on each exhale.

And thank yourself for all you do every day for those you care for.

And thank yourself for showing, showing up for yourself today. When you're ready, go ahead and open your eyes. It's a lot to carry. Girlfriend. Yes. But we are carrying it together. And to all of you, uplifters, I hope you [00:18:00] hear in Terry's story, a charge to ask for support when you need it. To give support where you can and to remember the extraordinary power of human connection.

Let's keep rising higher together. Thank you for listening to the Uplifters podcast. If you're getting a boost from these episodes, Please share them with the uplifters in your life and then join us in conversation over at www.theuplifterspodcast.com. Head over to Spotify, apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast.

And like, follow and rate our show. It'll really help us connect with more uplifters and it'll ensure you never miss one of these beautiful stories. Big love 

I’m so proud and grateful to welcome Lisa Halverstadt onto our show today. Lisa is a senior investigative reporter for Voice of San Diego, a nonprofit investigative outlet in San Diego. Lisa writes extensively about her community's homelessness, substance abuse and behavioral health crises and the people impacted by them. 

I met Lisa a couple of months ago when my brother-in-law died from the effects of substance abuse disease and homelessness. We all missed him terribly for the decade plus that addiction created a distance we couldn’t quite bridge. We missed a lot in his life. And when he died, we felt hungry for any piece of him that we could hold onto that would let us back into his life.

My daughter in her own search for understanding the uncle that she'd never really gotten to know, stumbled across this article that had been written by Lisa. It gave us peace and understanding about something we really struggled to understand

And, that’s what Lisa’s work does: it creates understanding and it bridges gaps. She creates greater awareness of the experience of homelessness, and its effects on individuals and families and in doing so rehumanizes these people who struggle day to day just to stay alive. 

We also discuss what it’s like to be an Uplifter doing this intensely emotional work, the challenges and surprise superpowers that made this job a perfect fit for her, and the Journalist Trauma Support Network that has helped her process the harsh realities she witnesses all too frequently.

It's easy to sit in our homes and feel like somehow we are different than people who are without them. But the truth is, we all have the same needs. Lisa uses her work to bring us back together. I can think of nothing more important or uplifting.

Lisa has graciously shared a list of resources that can help us think about other ways to help:

• https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/02/opinion/charity-holiday-gift-california-homelessness.html

• https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2020-01-11/homeless-help-ways-housing

• https://www.coalitionforthehomeless.org/what-should-i-do-if/

To hear more from Lisa click here. To learn more about the unhoused community on Lisa’s beat,  read Uplifter Peggy Peattie’s Tales of the Street blog.

I hope you’ll listen deeply to this episode, share it, and find ways to reconnect to those in your community, who most need a friendly hand.

Listen to our latest episode in the player here, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts. 

THIS WEEK ON THE UPLIFTERS

I’m so proud and grateful to welcome Lisa Halverstadt onto our show today. Lisa is a senior investigative reporter for Voice of San Diego, a nonprofit investigative outlet in San Diego. Lisa writes extensively about her community's homelessness, substance abuse, and behavioral health crises and the people impacted by them. 

I met Lisa a couple of months ago when my brother-in-law died from the effects of substance abuse disease and homelessness. We all missed him terribly for the decade-plus that addiction created a distance we couldn’t quite bridge. When he died, we felt hungry for any piece of him that we could hold onto that would let us back into his life.

My daughter, in her own search for understanding the uncle that she'd never really gotten to know, stumbled across this article that had been written by Lisa. It gave us peace about something we really struggled to understand.

That’s what Lisa’s work does: it creates understanding and it bridges gaps. She creates greater awareness of the experience of homelessness, and its effects on individuals and families and in doing so rehumanizes these people who struggle daily just to stay alive. 

We also discuss what it’s like to be an Uplifter doing this intensely emotional work, the challenges and surprise superpowers that made this job a perfect fit for her, and the Journalist Trauma Support Network that has helped her process the harsh realities she witnesses all too frequently.

It's easy to sit in our homes and feel like somehow we are different than people who are without them. But the truth is, we all have the same needs. Lisa uses her work to bring us back together. I can think of nothing more important or uplifting.

Lisa has graciously shared a list of resources that can help us think about other ways to help:

* https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/02/opinion/charity-holiday-gift-california-homelessness.html

* https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2020-01-11/homeless-help-ways-housing

* https://www.coalitionforthehomeless.org/what-should-i-do-if/

To hear more from Lisa click here. To learn more about the unhoused community on Lisa’s beat,  read Uplifter Peggy Peattie’s Tales of the Street blog.

I hope you’ll listen deeply to this episode, share it, and find ways to reconnect to those in your community, who most need a friendly hand.

Let’s keep rising higher, together,

Aransas

MESSY TRANSCRIPT

Aransas Savas (00:02.194)

Welcome to the Uplifters Podcast. I'm your host, Aransas Savas, and I love every episode of this show and sort of fall in love with everyone of the women that we talk to who so courageously shares her story and her perspective. But.

Aransas Savas (00:28.866)

Today is especially special and in all honesty, it's the one in some ways that I've been the most nervous to record and to share. Because today we are welcoming Lisa Halvorshtad onto our show. And Lisa does some pretty heroic work. She is a senior investigative reporter for the voice of.

Aransas Savas (00:56.182)

San Diego, which is a nonprofit investigative outlet in San Diego, where she writes about her community's homelessness, substance abuse, and behavioral health crises and the people who are impacted by them. She's written about a lot of other really important subjects as well. But I met Lisa a couple months ago when my brother-in-law, Greg,

Aransas Savas (01:24.262)

died from the effects of substance abuse, disease, and homelessness. And while we lost him on that day, we had missed him terribly for over a decade because the drugs had gotten in between him and us as they do.

Aransas Savas (01:54.462)

And it was a distance that despite our best efforts, we couldn't bridge. And so we missed a lot of Greg's life.

Aransas Savas (02:07.402)

And when he died, it left us all feeling hungry for any piece of him that we could hold on to. That would let us know him in these last years, that would let us back into his life.

Aransas Savas (02:29.938)

My children felt really frustrated and angry that they hadn't gotten to know their uncle. And my resourceful daughter went on her own search for understanding for the uncle that she had missed. And in doing so stumbled across an article written not long before Greg's passing.

Aransas Savas (02:56.97)

about his life. Lisa's work, Lisa's writing gave us a sense of peace and understanding about something that we had really struggled to understand. And that frankly, we had no other way of understanding.

Aransas Savas (03:21.066)

But that's what Lisa's work does. It creates understanding, and it bridges gaps.

Aransas Savas (03:30.798)

Through her work, she helps people understand what it is to be homeless, the effects on individuals and families and communities. Her work has created policy changes that support these populations. And she's helped illuminate the truth of an experience by.

Aransas Savas (03:59.506)

rehumanizing what it is to be someone who struggles day after day just to stay alive. But as humans, our own quest to live and to keep going, it's really easy to create a distance between ourselves and those that are othered, those that feel different from us.

Aransas Savas (04:28.598)

And it's not out of any bad intention. But naturally we as humans can sit in our homes and feel like somehow we are different than people who don't have them. But the truth is we're just humans with the same goals and the same needs and the same hopes and the same dreams. And talking to Lisa has helped me better understand that.

Aransas Savas (04:58.154)

And so I wanted to introduce her to you, because I believe that her work has the power to bring us back together by using story and journalism. She helps us see a little more clearly.

Aransas Savas (05:19.05)

And I can think of nothing more uplifting than that. So please join me in welcoming Lisa Halvorsat to the Uplifters podcast.

Aransas Savas (05:31.938)

Lisa, thanks for being here.

Lisa Halverstadt (05:32.963)

Thank you so much for having me. And that was just a beautiful introduction. I'm so flattered by that.

Aransas Savas (05:41.298)

I'm so grateful. And Trudeform, I know you were up all night, last night working. So special thanks for joining us today. Maybe we just start by talking about your last 24 hours to better understand what it is you do and what goes into it.

Lisa Halverstadt (06:08.823)

Yes, so I have been in beast mode, I would say, the last week or so, because the city of San Diego has been considering an encampment ban, which would impact folks who camp on the street. I won't get into all the nuances of that, but I've been writing a lot about various angles of this. And last night, a Tuesday night, the city council voted on this ordinance and voted to approve it.

Lisa Halverstadt (06:38.287)

There were more than four hours of public comments. Actually, one of the neat moments last night was that I had written about a guy who struggled to get shelter. He actually went to this place called the Homelessness Response Center to try to get shelter. And on the 11th day, he finally got it. And he was invited to come and speak to the city council about that after I highlighted his story. But ultimately,

Lisa Halverstadt (07:07.055)

There were lots of deliberations. It was a pretty tense meeting. I was in touch with my editor throughout the night and ended up working till probably, I guess I was done maybe around 11.30 or something last night and things were still hitting my inbox after that. So it was a long night, but it's important. 

Lisa Halverstadt (07:34.007)

You know, journalists really take this role seriously to tell you what's happening, including when it happens in inconvenient times, but also just to provide context throughout and be prepared to cover every angle of something like this that's very complex.

Aransas Savas (09:01.042)

What drew you to journalism in general, Lisa?

Lisa Halverstadt (09:05.655)

Well, I think it found me before I found it. I had teachers that recognized this in me before I saw it. I was always really curious. I would pick different topics that I was interested in. I loved to go to the library, and I would just read a stack of books. I mean, everything from the John F. Kennedy assassination to dermatology. So quite a range. And I also love to write.

Lisa Halverstadt (09:34.795)

I love to talk to people about what I learned. And so it just was very natural. So I had some teachers who said, you should work for the student paper, Lisa, you know, because it just seemed really obvious to them, I think. So like I said, it found me.

Aransas Savas (09:55.355)

And then what drew you to this type of journalism and this particular focus?

Lisa Halverstadt (10:03.023)

So years ago, from a practical standpoint, my news outlet was looking at beads and we were just watching as the homelessness crisis was getting worse in San Diego as it has been in a lot of other communities as well. And we just thought, you know, there are a lot of stories that are talking about like this, you know, nonprofit has a new shelter they're opening up or here's this new initiative, but there wasn't a lot of accountability reporting that looked at like.

Lisa Halverstadt (10:30.959)

What are we doing collectively? Who's in charge here? And who's, you know, are we making a dent in this? Cause it doesn't really look like we're making a significant dent in this. So what's going on? So from a practical standpoint, that's how I got into it. But looking back, I mean, there are certain things that make it such a good fit and make me more passionate about this. You know, I really identify with people that are underestimated and who...

Lisa Halverstadt (11:00.963)

don't feel like they have a voice. In some ways, I grew up feeling that way. I have ADHD, which not a huge deal, right? And this day and age, but at the time that I was diagnosed, less was known about this. And so, I had a doctor that kind of made my parents a little scared about what might be my prospects for future success. And at one point I had a teacher that told my parents that I was an idiot.

Aransas Savas (11:30.872)

Mm.

Lisa Halverstadt (11:30.887)

and I found out about it. And so that was difficult, but in that moment, I still remember being a third grader with crazy hair and my big Coke bottle glasses just saying, no one is ever going to call me an idiot again. And I think back about that sometimes because I...

Lisa Halverstadt (11:55.179)

You know, obviously I'm an objective journalist. You know, I go hard after everything and everyone to get answers, but I do understand what it means to be underestimated. And so there's a certain understanding in that, that maybe somebody doesn't look like they have that much to offer, you know, to the outside world. But in fact, they do have a lot to offer. And also kind of from a just a sort of silly thing that I n ever thought about is I do not have a sense of smell.

Lisa Halverstadt (12:26.439)

I was born without one as far as I know. And this has actually been a superpower for me on the street because I'm able to sit with people and I don't smell them, I see them. And it has turned out to be something that I hated for so many years that actually makes me better at my job.

Aransas Savas (15:19.532)

So what do you see that close up, Lisa?

Lisa Halverstadt (15:24.915)

Oh boy, a lot. I do see a lot of effort to create community and support that a lot of people don't see. I see a lot of caregivers, people caring for other people on the street, whether that's in the form of literally changing their diapers. I'm not exaggerating or, you know, helping to watch someone's stuff while they go to that important appointment.

Lisa Halverstadt (15:53.815)

or the word that gets spread on the street, or also how the community, especially with this fentanyl crisis we're in, that are literally saving each other's lives in a lot of cases and bearing witness to a lot of really scary stuff. But it's also just really hard out there. And I think often it's easy for those of us that have a place that every day we can go and we can leave our stuff when we go to work. We can have a routine because we have a place. We can count on, you know, easily getting a shower or to use the restroom or to get a meal. This isn't something that people who live on the street can necessarily count on. They, you know,

Lisa Halverstadt (16:53.239)

having to be concerned about moving to different areas, whether that's because of police enforcement, or maybe there's someone on the street that's threatening them and they need to move to another place. Or sometimes I hear about, oh, there was a group that came down and brought food today, and then another group and another group, but then for the next two days, there wasn't anyone coming. So what do we do during that time?

Lisa Halverstadt (17:22.639)

And people really struggle with restroom and shower access. I know a lot of people who stay in areas specifically because there is some restroom or shower access. And just imagine, often people will say, get a job. Well, everybody wants to take a shower before they go to their job. Imagine if you had to get in line early enough that you can get your shower to then go to work

Lisa Halverstadt (17:51.971)

the line might be snaking around a particular area. And the showers aren't necessarily, sometimes people are relying even on vans that drive around that have showers in them essentially, and those might not be available every day. Sometimes it's only one or two days a week that the shower van pulls up. So there are just a lot of challenges that I think can be really hard for people that just are able to come home every day to.

Lisa Halverstadt (18:22.2)

really understand.

Aransas Savas (18:24.898)

what do you see as the effects of these basic human needs being unmet for these people?

Lisa Halverstadt (18:50.315)

I mean, it's very traumatic. People do feel just completely downtrodden. And one thing I wanted to make sure to say today too, is that, you know, so often people look past homeless people. They look away from them and homeless people feel that. They feel it. And, you know, one of my...

Lisa Halverstadt (19:17.299)

My uplifters in my life, Peggy Petey is an excellent photo journalist who I've had the opportunity to work with the last year or so. And she has a blog called Tales of the Street. And she interviewed this guy named Moses recently. And he talked about how when he lived on the street, he would often feel like, okay,

Lisa Halverstadt (19:44.279)

you know, I can't take this anymore. Maybe it's time to end this. And people would walk past, you know, and he would feel that judgment. But every once in a while when he felt like that, someone would look at him, acknowledge, smile at him, and it would turn it around. He would keep going. And I think it's so important to reflect on that, how much when people are, you know, sort of rejected

Lisa Halverstadt (20:15.111)

whether that's overt or not, that we as humans feel that. And that actually is part of the hierarchy of needs is feeling that connection. And so, I think many of us think that we can't do anything about homelessness. It's just this horrible, systemic, intractable issue. But what I often tell people is, you can smile at someone and say hi.

Lisa Halverstadt (20:44.895)

and it might have more of an impact than you think.

Aransas Savas (20:48.674)

I've done it. I've walked past people. I've averted my eyes. I have...

Aransas Savas (21:17.054)

It's, we act as though it's catching.

Aransas Savas (21:22.334)

And there is a lot of violence. And I live in New York City where we've had an increase in violence, committed by unhoused people. Or at least a lot more reporting on it, depending on who you talk to about whether, about which numbers to look at. And so now I do feel a greater sense of fear than I used to about looking people in the eye because it...

Aransas Savas (21:52.498)

I worry for myself and my children that it will be a provocation. But I also think that we have an intuition that can guide us about what is a dangerous situation and what is not. We know when somebody is volatile and somebody's on the edge. And we know when somebody is just living their life and might benefit from...

Aransas Savas (22:20.906)

a kind eye or, sorry, a kind eye because that sounds.

Aransas Savas (22:28.51)

It sounds like some sort of saviorism, but it's really just acknowledging that we are human beings in the same way that I would pass the lady with the stroller and the fancy shoes.

Lisa Halverstadt (22:41.419)

And sometimes it's as quick as just a nod to just acknowledge, Hey, I see you. Just like if you were walking past your neighbor on the street. And I think, you know, to your point too, I mean, I do have to use my gut. A lot of times there are some people that are not ready to talk to me today. Um, and so, you know, I may not engage with them, but there are a lot of people. Um, I think just people would be so surprised how much a lot of unhoused people want connection.

Aransas Savas (22:44.748)

Mm-hmm.

Aransas Savas (23:13.526)

By saying that, I think you helped bridge that gap between us and them.

Aransas Savas (23:24.938)

It's the simplest thing. And I also hear in your story how hard these people are working. Because I think part of the way that we create distance is a sense of a perception of laziness or resignation and surrender.

Aransas Savas (23:52.862)

And when I listen to you, I hear you say, well, of course they feel resigned. And of course there is some surrendering because every single human need has to be fought for so hard. How exhausting that must be.

What has surprised you most in getting to know people who are unhoused?

Aransas Savas (24:39.919)

and in many cases, addicted.

Lisa Halverstadt (24:43.471)

how many people are just good people, just like the rest of us. in any group of people, there are nice people and there are not so nice people, that's in any group. I just encounter a lot of people that are so kind and especially when they find out what I do and that I want to tell their stories, they are lining up other people to talk to me.

Lisa Halverstadt (25:13.027)

they want to help, oh, let me tell you about this thing. Or sometimes even when I will show up somewhere and people can tell that I'm a reporter, they'll try to come be closer to me, to talk to me when the other person's done or say, hey, I've got a story, I've got a story. So, I think like many people before I wrote about this topic, I had a lot of preconceived notions about the homeless population.

Lisa Halverstadt (25:42.335)

And I had a sense that people were gruff and mean and, you know, maybe scary. Um, but what I found is most people are, you know, pretty good people. Um, they have their flaws like any of us. Um, but a lot of good people are out there struggling.

Aransas Savas (28:08.3)

What do you believe needs to be done to make things better for these people? I know. I know.

Lisa Halverstadt (28:16.779)

That's a big question. That is a big question. As a journalist, I can't really have opinions about what the best solutions are other than to report on what data tells us. I think one thing that is obvious is the word homeless. It indicates that they don't have a home. And so housing that is affordable.

Aransas Savas (28:29.666)

Mm-hmm.

Aransas Savas (28:37.414)

Mm-hmm.

Lisa Halverstadt (28:46.663)

and that people can efficiently get into, or that when somebody is falling, when somebody's struggling, that we have a system that can kind of hurry up and put its arms out and support them is really crucial to solving this problem. You need a homeless service system that is both able to prevent people from falling into homelessness.

Lisa Halverstadt (29:12.407)

And then when they do able to efficiently help them get out of homelessness. Um, and that's a struggle in communities across the country, including San Diego right now, because so many more people are falling into homelessness. Um, they're moving into shelters and then there's not housing available at the end. Um, and so people sort of get stuck. Um, I also just think in general that, um, you know, again, I can't have, uh, beliefs about.

Aransas Savas (29:26.338)

Mm.

Lisa Halverstadt (29:41.695)

solutions or other things. But one thing that I just refuse to ever lose sight of is that we are talking about people. We are not talking about pests. You know, we're talking about fellow community members. And I think it's really important to keep that in mind when we think about solutions. And the thing about community members is that

Lisa Halverstadt (30:07.691)

A community can have a lot of different types of people in it with different opinions and experiences, but they're still our community members.

Aransas Savas (30:18.706)

Yeah. And community members in many cases who are sick.

Aransas Savas (30:26.562)

who are struggling with disease as a result of homelessness or addiction or mental illness that led to the homelessness. Lisa Halverstadt (31:18.079)

a lot of people actually have more mental health and substance abuse challenges once they end up on the street. So I have met so many people who started using on the street. I'll give an example, Julie, a woman that I've been keeping in close touch with, she was a meth user and an alcoholic. And she is now

Aransas Savas (31:29.848)

Mmm.

Lisa Halverstadt (31:47.127)

hopefully moving into housing pretty soon here. She's come a really long way. But she, like many homeless women, shared with me that she started using meth to stay awake at night because she was scared of being assaulted. And so this was sort of a coping mechanism for a tough situation that she was in as a vulnerable woman on the street. A lot of people get PTSD.

Lisa Halverstadt (32:14.955)

living on the street. Just imagine all that uncertainty and sounds and just constantly being worried that somebody's going to attack you or something's going to happen to you. People get deeply depressed on the street. People, you know, may have some mental health issue that's relatively minor, like many of us might deal with anxiety or something. But that gets exacerbated on the street.

Lisa Halverstadt (32:44.899)

Just the daily trauma of it is just so much more than what most of us who are housed experience.

Aransas Savas (32:52.334)

and the level of support. So if I have an anxious day, I can go into my cozy bed and take a nap or walk into my nice warm shower and take a shower or go to my doctor and receive care using my powerful insurance. And I think what you're pointing to is that these people don't have access.

Aransas Savas (33:23.28)

to these available fixes and so they turn to the fix that's available.

Lisa Halverstadt (42:33.995)

And so often it just it hits me because I'll talk to somebody and they'll say you're the first person that talked to me today Thank you for listening I have people that the first time we meet they're hugging me Because no one's seen them that day no one's seen them maybe even that week

Aransas Savas (42:55.454)

Yeah, and if those of us who have access to warm beds and hot showers feel like we are desperate to be seen and known and understood, how intense that must feel when even your most basic needs are not regularly being met.

 you see so much hardship every day.

Aransas Savas (03:44.614)

How do you take care of yourself to sustain this work that you do?

Lisa Halverstadt (03:53.471)

So for years, I've had different self-care tactics, listening to music as one, talking to my friends. But I'll be honest that there was a time earlier this year I realized I was kind of at a turning point where if you wanna think about life as a cup of water, but that water is trauma.

Lisa Halverstadt (04:19.271)

The goal for me is always to keep, because I'm talking to so many people that are in the trauma cycle, I'm seeing a lot of things, is to just keep that cup from overflowing, keep it manageable. And I usually have been able to do that, but I worked on a really tough story that really hit me hard personally. And that led me to start going to Therapy Weekly. I'm in a program for journalists with the DART Center, great resource for folks to check out.

Lisa Halverstadt (04:50.475)

And that has been so uplifting for me. And really what that's about is I, you know, I wasn't deeply depressed or anything, but just to have a space to put my own feelings about the things I was seeing. Because what I realized is, as much as I had great friends and family that wanted to support me, and of course my editors who were supportive, you know, I was constantly just taking in other people's emotions and traumas. And...

Lisa Halverstadt (05:17.227)

I just needed to create a specific space where I could kind of talk about how I felt about something so that I could just run back out there. And I think, you know, I debated if you asked this, if I was going to say this, but I think it's important that we need to create space to talk about how we feel about things. And that helps make us better for other people.

Aransas Savas (05:43.618)

I agree. It's essential. And we have to normalize healing the healers and caring for the caregivers. And so much more can happen when our cups are not empty. It is enabling and sustaining. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Aransas Savas (44:07.854)

We have been ending each episode of this show with a moment of reflection to ground the insights and ideas that we've heard. And so in this moment, I just wanna invite those of you listening to just take a quiet moment with yourself.

Aransas Savas (44:38.854)

to get curious about what this conversation might mean for you moving forward.

Aransas Savas (45:01.066)

My dog is very excited in the background. It means a lot to him apparently to get attention, to feel seen and heard in this moment.

Lisa Halverstadt (45:03.727)

Hehehe.

Lisa Halverstadt (45:10.568)

A lot of unsheltered people have dogs. I had a lot of dogs over the years. Some very cute ones.

Aransas Savas (45:17.866)

Yeah, that is, it's always interesting to me to see the love between dog owners and dogs on the street and to imagine the roles that those dogs play. That of, I assume, protector and confidant and comfort.

Aransas Savas (45:40.469)

and

Lisa Halverstadt (45:40.727)

Absolutely, I think a lot of times people will judge why does this person have a dog, or why does this person stay in a tent? And there's often a complex answer to that question that can be really hard for those of us who are housed to contemplate. Maybe going into a shelter means not having that dog, which is your best friend in the entire world.

Lisa Halverstadt (46:09.803)

and your reason for being. Or maybe there are folks out on the street that I've met who have caregivers out on the street. And those caregivers, maybe it's a boyfriend and a girlfriend. And if they were to go into a shelter, they couldn't share the same bed when someone literally has cancer or epilepsy and needs that sort of around-the-clock monitoring and support. Or maybe they've had a

Lisa Halverstadt (46:39.907)

challenges in shelters before maybe they're a person that has PTSD and so the idea of being in a shelter that is just packed with people is just terrifying and I think a lot of us who are housed might acknowledge to ourselves like I actually would not like to go stay in a shelter. I am a light sleeper and if I stayed in a shelter I would never sleep because somebody would always be snoring.

Lisa Halverstadt (47:07.395)

You know, somebody's always getting up and moving in the middle of the night. So I think it's important to think about, there's often context, just like our housed friends' lives. You don't understand why did somebody take that job or, oh my God, why is she dating that person? But there's a story from their perspective as to why they're doing this. And that's something too, even on, you know, totally separate from homelessness related reporting and my investigative reporting, I'm constantly thinking about.

Lisa Halverstadt (47:37.323)

why is this person doing what they're doing? There is a reason that they're doing this. And often that reason is, you know, and kind of that process is a way to understand. And sometimes it's a way to understand why something unsavory is happening, but it can be really insightful to take a step back and put ourselves in that other person's shoes and realize maybe this is, I'm not seeing every aspect of this.

Aransas Savas (48:06.494)

And as humans, we think we do. We think we know more than we ever could. And we make leaps and generalizations for all sorts of reasons for our own psychological safety. And if I were to take only one thing for this important and...

Aransas Savas (48:32.634)

really, truly insightful and inspiring conversation. It would be to just give ourselves the gift of seeing our communities more fully.

Aransas Savas (48:51.138)

Thank you, Lisa. Thank you for your work. Thank you for what you've done for our family.

Lisa Halverstadt (48:53.455)

Thank you.

Aransas Savas (49:31.234)

For those of you listening, please head over to theuplifterspodcast.com. I will share links to the organizations and pages that Lisa mentioned, and we'll hopefully be able to source from her some other recommendations for ways that we can keep learning and growing and rising together.

END OF EPISODE

END OF VIDEO 1

Aransas Savas (00:01.198)

So Lisa, tell us about someone who inspires you. And if you will, just begin by saying, this is Lisa Halverstadt, and this is, I can't even talk now. The way I usually do them is, hi, uplifters. My name is Lisa Halverstadt, and someone who inspires me or an uplifter who inspires me is something.

Lisa Halverstadt (00:16.262)

Yeah

Lisa Halverstadt (00:27.387)

Hi, I'm Lisa Halperstadt and an uplifter who inspires me is Vanita Hawthorne-James, who was one of my early editors at a former news outlet, the Arizona Republic. And Vanita is a trailblazer. She is a teacher. And I quickly will tell the story that I think says so much about her. She gave me my first stretch assignment.

Lisa Halverstadt (00:54.295)

And it was actually covering the ownership of a hockey team, if you can even imagine that. And I was so, oh my God, how am I going to do this? I know nothing about this. And Vanita said to me that, yes, you don't know much about this right now, but you are motivated now to figure it out. And I know that you will.

Lisa Halverstadt (01:20.211)

And that advice that I got from her on top of many other, you know, excellent pieces of advice and support I got from her over the years just sticks in my mind now every time that I get a challenge, whether that's work or otherwise, that I have a challenge, I don't know about it now, now I'm motivated to figure it out, and I will. And I hope that your listeners get a chance.

Lisa Halverstadt (01:48.947)

to meet Vanita Hawthorne James. She has an excellent story to tell and she is the ultimate uplifter. She has uplifted many other journalists. I'm just one of many.

Aransas Savas (01:59.306)

I can't wait to meet her. So a quick lightning round. What's one quick way you raise your own energy?

Lisa Halverstadt (02:10.239)

I listen to a song and I often sing along.

Aransas Savas (02:17.706)

What's one easy way you boost other women?

Lisa Halverstadt (02:23.023)

I try to see them and to make emotions that we have as women okay. I think a lot of times as women, we aren't really given the permission to hold space for our feelings. We might be angry. And so sometimes I will try to say, I see that anger or I see that really awesome moment that just happened.

Lisa Halverstadt (02:50.919)

I think that's really important because a lot of times, you know, again, we don't feel seen for our emotions or sometimes even for our wins by other people.

Aransas Savas (03:05.102)

And what's one little way you elevate your community, the planet, or the world?

Lisa Halverstadt (03:10.943)

Can we redo that one part? I could barely hear you for some reason. I think it might be my headphones were popping out. That's what was going on.

Aransas Savas (03:13.65)

Yeah. Oh, sorry. Okay. No worries. What's one little way you elevate your community, the planet or the world?

Lisa Halverstadt (03:24.219)

Oh boy, I share stories.

Aransas Savas (03:31.734)

And there was one question I really wanted to ask you that I forgot to ask, which is, you see so much hardship every day.

Aransas Savas (03:44.614)

How do you take care of yourself to sustain this work that you do?

Lisa Halverstadt (03:53.471)

So for years, I've had different self-care tactics, listening to music as one, talking to my friends. But I'll be honest that there was a time earlier this year I realized I was kind of at a turning point where if you wanna think about life as a cup of water, but that water is trauma.

Lisa Halverstadt (04:19.271)

The goal for me is always to keep, because I'm talking to so many people that are in the trauma cycle, I'm seeing a lot of things, is to just keep that cup from overflowing, keep it manageable. And I usually have been able to do that, but I worked on a really tough story that really hit me hard personally. And that led me to start going to Therapy Weekly. I'm in a program for journalists with the DART Center, great resource for folks to check out.

Lisa Halverstadt (04:50.475)

And that has been so uplifting for me. And really what that's about is I, you know, I wasn't deeply depressed or anything, but just to have a space to put my own feelings about the things I was seeing. Because what I realized is, as much as I had great friends and family that wanted to support me, and of course my editors who were supportive, you know, I was constantly just taking in other people's emotions and traumas. And...

Lisa Halverstadt (05:17.227)

I just needed to create a specific space where I could kind of talk about how I felt about something so that I could just run back out there. And I think, you know, I debated if you asked this, if I was going to say this, but I think it's important that we need to create space to talk about how we feel about things. And that helps make us better for other people.

Aransas Savas (05:43.618)

I agree. It's essential. And we have to normalize healing the healers and caring for the caregivers. And so much more can happen when our cups are not empty. It is enabling and sustaining. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Lisa Halverstadt (05:59.348)

Exactly.

Welcome to The Uplifters Podcast. Today, you’ll meet Lisa Crozier, who is introduced by Marci Walker, her “Late In Life Best Friend” (a term I learned from my new friends over at Red Bird House).

You know that old game where you introduce yourself by using a descriptor that starts with the first letter of your name? There’s no question what Lisa’s descriptor would be. She is Love.

As you look at Lisa you’ll see a woman with hair sculpted in blond waves, a beauty queen’s smile, always dressed to the nines. A woman who spends her days lovingly caring for her husband, children, grandchildren, recovery sponsees, church community, and clients. It’s easy to imagine that she’s perfect. But, letting go of “perfect” is exactly how Lisa went from an inferiority complex to true self-love, from hiding to healing, and found self-acceptance.

Like so many of us, it’s the challenges she’s faced: an abusive childhood, mental and physical health issues, and alcoholism that have taught her the most, but it’s love that gives her purpose. 

In this conversation, you’ll hear what Lisa has learned in her journey to becoming someone she really likes:

• How sometimes we can get so low that picking ourselves up by the bootstraps is no longer an option

• How hitting rock bottom broke her open and allowed her to finally ask for and receive support

• How generational traumas can help us and hinder us (and sometimes do both at the same time)

• How ego is the biggest block to love and intimacy with ourselves and others

• How ego is sometimes a mask for an inferiority complex and what to do about it

• How Lisa takes care of herself while taking care of so many other people

I can’t stop thinking about this episode. I hope you enjoy it and share it with the women in your life who do so much for so many others. Head over to www.theuplifterspodcast for a transcript of this episode and conversation with The Uplifters

People think of ego as superiority, but it can also manifest as perfectionism. I used to have such a hard time if anybody argued with me or pointed out my wrongs.

-Lisa Crozier

Welcome to The Uplifters Podcast. Today, you’ll meet Lisa Crozier, who is introduced by Marci Walker, her “Late In Life Best Friend” (a term I learned from my new friends over at Red Bird House).

You know that old game where you introduce yourself by using a descriptor that starts with the first letter of your name? There’s no question what Lisa’s descriptor would be. She is Love.

As you look at Lisa you’ll see a woman with hair sculpted in blond waves, a beauty queen’s smile, always dressed to the nines. A woman who spends her days lovingly caring for her husband, children, grandchildren, recovery sponsees, church community, and clients. It’s easy to imagine that she’s perfect. But, letting go of “perfect” is exactly how Lisa went from an inferiority complex to true self-love, from hiding to healing, and found self-acceptance.

Like so many of us, it’s the challenges she’s faced: an abusive childhood, mental and physical health issues, and alcoholism that have taught her the most, but it’s love that gives her purpose. 

In this conversation, you’ll hear what Lisa has learned in her journey to becoming someone she really likes:

* How sometimes we can get so low that picking ourselves up by the bootstraps is no longer an option

* How hitting rock bottom broke her open and allowed her to finally ask for and receive support

* How generational traumas can help us and hinder us (and sometimes do both at the same time)

* How ego is the biggest block to love and intimacy with ourselves and others

* How ego is sometimes a mask for an inferiority complex and what to do about it

* How Lisa takes care of herself while taking care of so many other people

I can’t stop thinking about this episode. I hope you enjoy it and share it with the women in your life who do so much for so many others.

Let’s keep rising higher, together.

Aransas

MESSY TRANSCRIPT

Lisa Crozier (02:08.002)

That introduction just melted my heart, both yours and Marci's. I am so grateful for the two of you. I am better because of both of you. Absolutely, and I had been for a long time. And I'm so grateful for the circumstances that brought us all together.

Aransas Savas (02:28.462)

I love that you begin there because I do believe, as you know, that we are the sum total of the people we spend the most time with. And that's a big reason that this Uplifter community was born, because I believe that we are all better when we are together. And that by surrounding ourselves with courageous, open-hearted people, we become more courageous and open-hearted.

Aransas Savas (02:57.982)

And I've seen that so powerfully embodied in your life. And I'm just really honored to introduce you to the rest of my community who don't yet know you. There's so many things about your story that I hope we'll get to in this conversation. But I'm curious for you what experiences or moments do you believe have been most defining for your character and way of being?

Lisa Crozier (04:28.994)

So, you know what's really, what I have found for my life, the things that have defined me and that have made me the most who I am were also the things that were the hardest, the most difficult. They weren't the aha moments, the accolades, the applause, the successes. They were the really hard things that I made it through. You know, like one thing that I've shared with you before is that

Lisa Crozier (04:58.774)

I had kind of a rough childhood. My mom had borderline personality disorder. And I had some good times, I really did. But I had some really bad times too. She was abusive physically and emotionally and mentally. And I was embarrassed of my childhood. I was embarrassed of where I came from. There were a lot of things. It was loud. There was lots of cursing and screaming and yelling.

Lisa Crozier (05:30.95)

I don't know that there was a day of my childhood that I can remember, at least not of my teen years where I wasn't called every name you can possibly come up with. So there's that. And today, I realized at some point in my life that I've really spent my whole life becoming the opposite of that. And then the way that you and I met was through, I had put on a bunch of weight.

Lisa Crozier (05:56.978)

And I remember sobbing. I remember sitting, actually it was in my pastor's office, I was working at a church at the time. I remember sitting in my pastor's office sobbing, saying, I don't know what's wrong, I just keep gaping away. And it felt like the end of the world. You know, it absolutely felt like the end of the world. And it brought me to you and a whole bunch of other people and into a purpose and a direction in life and this.

Lisa Crozier (06:23.438)

place this platform where I got to love thousands and thousands of people, which who'd have thunk, you know, that, but if I hadn't gone through that, I'd never be there, you know? And then, and I know we're going to be getting into this one. Years later, I went into a deep depression, some things happened, and I became an alcoholic. I used alcohol to cope with my depression. And today I've been sober for a little while. And that, you know,

Lisa Crozier (06:51.118)

going through that experience and becoming involved in recovery and finding purpose there and personal healing and spiritual growth like I never could have possibly imagined. I mean those three things probably are the things that have more than anything else made me who I am. I mean coupled that with family and children and grandchildren and you know an incredible mother-in-law.

Lisa Crozier (07:21.034)

love and friends and...but I would say that the friends and the relationships are way better because of all that. Not like in spite of it, but because of it. Because I've changed so much and I've learned who I am, you know, through the course of that. And I've become a better person. I've become someone I like more than I used to. And that's important.

Aransas Savas (07:46.77)

I think it's so important for us to share our challenges and our struggles so that we can all learn from them. I've often thought about how if my daughter had tried to learn piano simply by hitting keys and seeing what sound each key made, she might have eventually...

Aransas Savas (08:13.946)

learned to make something that sounded pretty. But because she sat down with a piano teacher who had studied piano with another piano teacher, she was able to accelerate her understanding much faster and to go much deeper and to create much more complex melodies as a result of the generational understanding. And your life started with some

Lisa Crozier (08:33.09)

Yeah.

Aransas Savas (08:42.47)

generational lessons that were pretty painful to learn. And yet one of the things that I have witnessed in your story and I heard in your retelling of it is a willingness to learn beyond the wisdom of some of your early teachers, your mother namely, who was doing the best she could, no doubt, with what she had, but then to a...

Aransas Savas (09:09.958)

to bring in other teachers, your friends, your preacher, your community in healing in so many ways, your mother-in-law, and to allow those teachers to enrich your own understanding and deepen your experience of life.

Lisa Crozier (09:31.818)

And I think that part of the reason that happens and why it happened for me in such, in those difficult moments is because in order to be taught by somebody and in order to even be willing to listen to them, I have to be able to acknowledge my own need. You know, if I think I know it all and I've got it all taken care of and everything's just fine, I'm probably not gonna be very open to learn and grow and listen and change. But in those moments of brokenness,

Lisa Crozier (10:02.406)

I was ready. In those moments of brokenness, I was open. And I remember, especially with the alcohol, getting to just that point of, I have no idea what to do. I am totally at a loss. Nothing I have done has worked. Nothing. And I didn't know where else to go. And that's a jumping off place. That's a really great jumping off place of surrender and openness. And yeah, starting to listen and learn from.

Lisa Crozier (10:31.326)

so many people and it's so easy for me for that ego to pop back up again you know because part of what i did the part of the way i coped with everything um... especially as a child i was always smart i was always somebody who could learn i retain knowledge i could learn things i had i had a lot of faith in my ability to do that and so i kind of you know i work hard i've always been a hard worker i could pick myself up by my bootstraps and make myself better

Lisa Crozier (11:01.75)

But in the end, I can do that to a point. And then I also had to realize, I need some help. I'm a human being, and I have needs. And those moments of desperation brought me to that place. It made me open and just took it to a whole new level. Everything, all of that hard stuff, just took it to a whole new level. I think that part of the reason it could go to the level is because of the willingness to try, the willingness to work hard.

Lisa Crozier (11:31.01)

You know, that was all a part of it too. That all works together. But I had to have a willingness. You know, as long as I think everything's fine and I'm doing just fine, I'm not gonna try anything. I'm not gonna try to get better. I'm not gonna listen.

Aransas Savas (11:44.722)

Right. So you talk about ego a lot and your work and your storytelling. And I think you're starting here to help us see what the intersection is between ego and growth, where they are in conflict where they challenge one another. So tell me a little bit more about your perspective on the role of ego in your life and your journey.

Lisa Crozier (11:52.856)

Yes.

Lisa Crozier (12:11.726)

So for me and for a lot of people that I've seen, ego can manifest in each direction. So most people think of ego as being thinking you're better than, a superiority. And that can show up in different areas of life, in thinking you're always right, which there was a time that I did. I used to have such a hard time if anybody argued with me or anybody pointed out my wrongs. It can manifest as perfectionism.

Lisa Crozier (12:40.062)

and thinking that I just have to be perfect, I'm okay with other people's imperfections, but not mine, I should be better than that. You know, and that was totally an ego thing. But for me and for a lot of us, that side of the ego is really a reflection of the other side, which is an inferiority complex. You know, which was the whole reason I grew up with this really, really strong inferiority complex.

Lisa Crozier (13:06.934)

because of where I came from. I was ashamed of where I came from for a million different reasons. And so I tried to hide it. I tried to only tell people the good things and I tried to be all things to all people. I tried to be a people pleaser. I tried to make everything look the way it's supposed to look and only let them see the parts that I think that they'll like. And that was all because of that, that actually blocked me.

Lisa Crozier (13:36.162)

from all the things I wanted the most. And I didn't know it was what I was trying for. Really at the core of it all for me, because I am, like Marcy had said, I love people. I love people so much. And I've always been this way. I've always had just this, I'm an extrovert. I want to be with people. And I want very much to also be loved. I want it to work both ways. But because of all this inferiority stuff.

Lisa Crozier (14:05.038)

I didn't let people in. I only let them see what I thought that they would like because I wanted them to like me back. But that blocked me from being real. There's a thing in the Brene Brown book, I love Brene Brown, absolutely love Brene Brown, where she talks about the difference between fitting in and belonging. And she says that fitting in is, you like me because I'm like you. And that's what I was always going for. That's what I was trying for because I didn't know that there was another option, honestly.

Lisa Crozier (14:34.102)

But belonging is you like me because I'm like me. But I wasn't even acknowledging all of the parts of me because I had so much shame about a lot of it. I had to at some point get to that place where I was willing to face the truth and to be the person that I wanna be and also let other people see. And the thing that I've really learned about relationships with people and...

Lisa Crozier (15:00.37)

and making a difference in the world and uplifting like what we're talking about is people aren't really uplifted by this image of perfection. All that is this unrealistic thing that they feel diminished by. People are uplifted by seeing the real and working hard and trying to do the best we can and building happiness and acceptance but they're uplifted by learning the real and I had to learn that with myself too.

Lisa Crozier (15:29.174)

And that was hard, it was really hard.

Aransas Savas (15:32.018)

Well, yeah, because it's like, let me take this nice, shiny, protective bubble I have built around myself so that I don't have to get rejected and risk breaking it down and who knows what happening.

Lisa Crozier (15:49.834)

Yeah. And I would have never done it on my own. I had to be forced into it really, which was through my recovery. You know, I got to that point where, you know, that song, um, that Disney song, let it go. There's a, there's a couple of lines in there. One of them, it says that perfect girl is gone. And then there's another one that says, well, now they know. And that's how I felt, you know, in my, in my last drunk, um, somebody had found me.

Lisa Crozier (16:18.81)

And I was going to kill myself. And that person, I kind of came to as they were calling my husband saying, you've got to come home, she's going to kill herself. I had to go to the doctor. I had to put it on my record, my medical record that I have a dependency to alcohol. And I just felt like I'd been hiding for so long. And this is the very worst thing I could possibly have in my mind that they could find out. And well, now they know.

Lisa Crozier (16:48.286)

And I have nothing left to hide. And honestly, one of the things I love that I've learned in recovery is they call that, you know, your rock bottom, whatever it is. And everybody's is different. You know, everybody's rock bottom in all areas too. It's different. But rock bottom is a really solid foundation to move up from. And it's not fun. It's not a fun place to be at all. But it's really solid.

Lisa Crozier (17:17.038)

and I was able to build a whole new life on that rock bottom. And it's a really, really good life. It's better than it was before. In fact, it's better than I could have ever imagined. And not because of big accomplishments, but because of the me inside that's changed in so many ways and healed in so many ways. I didn't know I needed to heal. I didn't even know I was hurting as bad as I was until

Lisa Crozier (17:45.918)

I got to the other side and I thought, wow, who knew? Who knew it could be this much better? I didn't know that was even on the plate. I didn't know it was on the table.

Aransas Savas (17:56.974)

Wow. What did that process look like for you?

Aransas Savas (18:05.574)

or does it look like for you? Because I suspect it's not a start stop beginning end.

Lisa Crozier (18:10.722)

No, no, it's an ongoing thing. It looked like a lot of community. It looked like a lot of meetings, a lot of being honest, and listening to other people being honest. I have a big part of my life is I have a very, very strong faith base. Now, that's something that's super, super important to me. And there's an old quote in my faith tradition about walking in the light.

Lisa Crozier (18:39.722)

and the value of walking in the light. And that's what I do in this community. I'm able to, I've learned to let people in, let them see all the things, all the feelings, and not just I used to, there was a time when I would, I would be fine with telling people about something I'd gone through. Once I was on the other side of it and had this story of overcoming and I was the hero of the story, then I was okay with sharing it. But when I was in the middle,

Lisa Crozier (19:07.942)

and maybe I wasn't making the best choices and I wasn't feeling feelings that I thought were socially acceptable, you know, like maybe I'm in the middle of a pity party. You know, I ended up in a group of people that were willing to share that stuff in the middle of it. And so in that community, I've been able to face stuff and face the reality that this is just being human. This is what being a real person looks like. Humility.

Lisa Crozier (19:35.85)

is a word that we throw around a lot. It's something that we talk about all the time, which I don't know if it's the opposite of ego, but it's kind of in a lot of ways. And humility is just that belief that I am no better than, I'm no worse than. I am one of. You know, you talked in the middle about humanizing our experiences. Things don't happen to me because the world is out to get me.

Lisa Crozier (20:01.742)

things don't happen because everybody hates me or because everybody reveres me. It's just life, you know? And that puts everything in perspective. Another way to define humility is just being right-sized. You know? Yep, I've got things about me that are really good and, yep, I've got things about me that are not good at all. And you know what? That's, I'm human. I can mess up. I remember seeing a quote one time and I love this because I struggle, I struggle, I still struggle with like when I make a mistake.

Lisa Crozier (20:32.558)

I hate making a mistake. I always feel so bad. And I remember seeing a meme on Facebook that said that a mistake that keeps me humble is better than an accomplishment that makes me arrogant. And it's powerful, right? And it sounds all well and good and like, yeah. And so you're in the moment and you make the mistake and you're like, oh, I hate that I did this and I have to remember, but that's good.

Lisa Crozier (21:02.194)

because I don't need to go to that other side. That other side of ego is precarious and dangerous, and it's not a happy place to be. It's like balancing on the head of a pin. Any little thing can knock you off.

Aransas Savas (21:21.51)

It sounds like the opposite of rock bottom, that place where you're, there's nowhere else to go, so gravity's got you in place.

Lisa Crozier (21:32.189)

And maybe often times it's the place right before rock bottom. Pride comes before a fall. That makes sense.

Aransas Savas (21:43.646)

How has your healing impacted the ways you give and receive love, Lisa?

Lisa Crozier (21:53.098)

Oh, completely, absolutely completely. Because again, I wasn't able to ever really be real. So a lot of my love, I would describe today as philanthropy. Because it was one side. I was great at giving. I was great at giving the love, at doing the things for other people. But not so great at receiving.

Lisa Crozier (22:23.846)

and today it's relationship. Relationship goes way. Philanthropy goes one way. But relationship goes both ways. And I am able, because I do let people in, I'm able today to have real relationships. I'm able to recognize that, you know what, I've made mistakes in my life and I can face those. And because of that, I know other people are going to too. I don't expect anybody to be perfect.

Lisa Crozier (22:52.07)

I don't expect anybody to never let me down even. You know, they're going to because they are. And I'm going to let them down too. I'm going to try not to, but I will because, you know, it's just part of being human. And that impacts everything. I'm able to accept people. I'm able to hear people and love them where they are and believe that they really are doing the best they can in this situation.

Lisa Crozier (23:22.014)

And I truly believe that too.

Lisa Crozier (23:27.33)

That's important. You know, everybody's coming from their perspective with where they've been, and it's not my job to change anybody. It's just my personal belief is my put on this earth just to love them wherever they are. And as long as I've healed inside, this is something that I've learned, a lot of my responses in the past to other people that were not so positive were because it was scratching.

Lisa Crozier (23:55.954)

a wound inside of me that had not healed. But once that wound has healed, it doesn't hurt so bad. You know, if I have an open cut on my arm and I touch it, it hurts a lot. But the scar doesn't hurt as much because it's healed inside. And as I've healed inside that stuff that other people do, I'm able to see their behaviors as their behaviors and not ne cessarily a reflection on me. 

it's easier for me now to be able to say, no, their behavior is on them. They're acting that way because there's something inside them that hurts. You know, a very good friend of mine says all the time, hurt people hurt people. You know, and not hurt people, don't hurt people as much. I mean, it works always.

Lisa Crozier (25:53.482)

but that helps me to not internalize it and not think it's getting over the ego, right? It's not always all about me. Even if they want me to think it is, even if they think it is, it might not be.

Aransas Savas (26:08.462)

It might not be.

 things either awfulize or minimize up in my head. I'll go one or the other, things that maybe I should be thinking more about, push under the carpet and pretend didn't happen. And like, they don't matter. Or I'll go the other way and I'll just.

Lisa Crozier (27:51.034)

awfulize everything. Oh, it's the end of the world. This happened. This is going on, whatever. But when I'm with people, it helps to give me a perspective that right sizes all that stuff. It just right sizes. Yep, it's going on. Not the end of the world. Other people have gone through it too. There are ways through this. I can get to the other side.

Aransas Savas (28:12.934)

Yeah, and I think it lets us know ourselves and it lets us be known when we acknowledge and admit these things. For me, one of my, and I talk a lot about scripts, and you've been so generous in sharing some of the ways that you speak to yourself and what it sounds like and looks like to do this work. And I think that is so important, because otherwise we have a lot of trouble recognizing our own scripts.

Aransas Savas (28:40.838)

And so one of my scripts that I've written for myself that I repeat in different domains of my life, especially in friendship and in relationship with my husband and even in relationship with my children, is just sharing, hey, there's this thing I'm thinking or feeling and I have no idea if it's true. So is it okay if I bounce it off of you to see if it's true through your perspective? Because-

Aransas Savas (29:10.214)

Like if I talk about the example with my husband, it's often I have this pretty unwarranted worry most of the time that when he is having a bad day, it's because of something I have done that I am somehow to blame for his mood or upset. Now I walk around believing that with absolute certainty until I ask it or.

Aransas Savas (29:39.614)

speak it aloud to him. But now that we have this understanding that I have that tendency to internalize blame for things that are not my fault, I can go to him and say, hey, I'm noticing you're a little bit off. Oh, hey, now he feels seen and acknowledged for whatever is going on with him. And then I can say, you know, that thing I do where I think it's my fault, did I do something here? And invariably,

Aransas Savas (30:08.73)

He says, oh, gosh, no, I just had a really rough day at work. So it opens up space for him to communicate his truth, for me to share these feelings that if I hold them and I think this guy is mad at me for something I didn't do, I'm going to feel pretty bad and pretty annoyed with him for being mad at me about something that I didn't do that he wasn't mad at me for. It lets us all just bring our truth to the table.

Aransas Savas (30:38.002)

And I find without those conversations, the imagination, blocks any sense of intimacy or connection.

Lisa Crozier (30:48.95)

especially when it's coming from a wound.

Lisa Crozier (30:55.414)

Yeah. And that's what ego does. You know, inside we all have this inner child that wants to connect and wants to love and wants to forgive and move forward and be happy. You know, like a little child, they just want to play. They just want to snuggle and sing lullabies together. You know, there's this beautiful thing. And the ego, it's got all the pride and all the stuff that's all the wounds, and it's trying to keep us apart.

Aransas Savas (30:59.166)

Yes!

Lisa Crozier (31:23.638)

There's this beautiful, if you Google it, inner child sculpture. And it's a beautiful sculpture, and it's a couple. I assume it's a man and a wife. I don't know. But it's a couple. And they're back to back. And it's kind of a wire outline of them. And then you can see inside the little children touching hands, just wanting to connect underneath all of that. But yeah, I mean, the ego, in my opinion.

Lisa Crozier (31:53.846)

I think was formed for a reason, you know, is these ways that we try to protect ourselves through hard things that we've gone through. And it's our response based on other hurts that we've gone through. And yeah, I mean, it makes sense why it's there, but it doesn't always serve us well forever in every situation. And there's a process of learning. No, it's okay. And some of it's just not true.

Aransas Savas (32:15.048)

Now.

Aransas Savas (32:21.351)

Yeah.

Lisa Crozier (32:21.57)

Like you said, I mean, everything's just not always about us. You know?

Aransas Savas (32:24.522)

And we can transfer experiences from other domains in our lives into new domains and assume that the same thing is happening or the same response or reaction will come. And so in the absence of data or information, we are going to go into the imagination. And most of the time, our imagination is just there to protect us.

Lisa Crozier (32:55.406)

And in the end, it ends up not doing it. Interestingly enough, it's trying to protect us and in the end, it can cause us a lot more pain. Whereas living a community, which in the moment, when you're going through something hard, when I'm going through something hard, in the moment, sometimes that vulnerability is the last thing I want. But it's the thing that's gonna help me the most. I remember a couple of, I don't know, a couple months ago, somebody had said that I had done something that had upset them.

Lisa Crozier (33:24.746)

I went through pure shame storm. Absolute, I'm a horrible person, oh no. And all of the defenses that come up in that moment, which are, you know, first anger and I wanna lash back and I wanna deny it and I wanna rationalize and going to all these things. But then my next step was gonna be, well, fine, I'm just gonna quit everything.

Lisa Crozier (33:49.326)

I hurt somebody, I'm just going to quit everything, I'm going to stop doing anything, there's other things, I guess I'm a failure, whatever, and it's that wanting to hide. I knew in that moment, as soon as I had that thought that I'm wanting to hide, this is a shame storm. I just Googled it because I know about them and I knew what it was going to tell me, but I needed to read it. It says, really, to do the absolute opposite and to get real in a safe place. I think that's really important to say too.

Lisa Crozier (34:18.23)

because I can't be real everywhere all the time with everyone because everyone is not safe. But I do have a large community of people who are. And that night I went and I didn't necessarily share exactly what had happened because that would have been betraying a confidence and that would have been me trying to get them on my side and I didn't wanna do that either. But I did need to share, I'm going through this really bad thing right now. I'm feeling this shame storm and I needed to talk about it and I need to be real.

Lisa Crozier (34:48.426)

I just want you to know I feel really, really awful right now. I'm going to get through it. I feel really awful at the moment. And I also find it's helpful if I can, well, number one, name the emotion, which in that moment was a shame storm, but also to identify where in my body I'm feeling it. Because there's always something physical that goes with it. A lot of times it's in my stomach, and I'll feel like a nausea or a tightening. I'll get tightening in my shoulders with different anxiety.

Lisa Crozier (35:17.902)

The head pressure and the head, I mean, but that, I don't know what it does, but it helps me, I guess, just to realize that this is real. This is normal. Everybody goes through it sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm a horrible human being. Yep, I might have made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. I spend an entire year talking about these things you tell yourself, these sounds. I spend an entire year where my mantra, and this was maybe two years after I got sober,

Lisa Crozier (35:44.266)

My whole mantra all year long was, I am allowed to be human. And any time one of those things would happen and I would start going through all those feelings, I would say to myself, I'm human too. I'm allowed to be human.

Aransas Savas (36:00.074)

You are so much for so many. And as I'm thinking about this, I'm thinking about how you are in a position of support and service in your health community, your recovery community, your church community, your family, your friend groups. You give a lot.

Aransas Savas (36:31.126)

What helps you balance and preserve your own well-being and support yourself while offering and providing so much support to so many people and groups?

Lisa Crozier (36:52.642)

What a great question. So there's so many things. Some of it is the stuff we just talked about, realizing that I'm human too. I'm much more interested in all of those areas. I'm much more interested in relationship than philanthropy. So realizing that it's, I'm not up here looking down, helping people. I'm on the same level. I'm right there with them. I'm next to them. And being willing to share my stuff.

Lisa Crozier (37:21.566)

at the same time and it being a give and take being willing to accept their love, accept their help at the same time I'm giving my love and giving my help. It's a relationship. It's a back and forth. Not keeping score either though, I have to say, you know, realizing that it's not going to be like even with everybody all the time. And that's okay. That's totally fine. You know, it's but that's important to me realize that it's a relationship. It's not a place of superiority.

Lisa Crozier (37:50.754)

You know, that's, I don't want to go there. But I also, you know, I've learned, like I said, about the humility thing. I'm human. I get tired. And when I'm tired, I sleep. I need to make sure I protect my sleep. I am the queen of naps. I take a nap almost every day. And I find a way to work it into the middle. You know, the way my work schedule is, I usually go in the morning, then I come home, and then I go back later in the evening, or whatever it is. And I...

Lisa Crozier (38:19.49)

get a nap in almost every single day. So that's really important to me. I have go to people that I lean on. You know, I have to say, I mean there's so many, but in particular my husband is my person. You know, he is my rock and I am his too. I know it's, I know it's the two of us leaning on each other, but there's been a couple times in my life that I've had full-on anxiety attacks.

Lisa Crozier (38:49.318)

Absolute full-on can't breathe. I feel like my heart's beating a thousand miles an hour I didn't know if I should go to the hospital. I could not get myself out of it I remember one where I literally couldn't come up with any reason why it was happening but the physical it was happening and All it took was his arms just to sit. That's my love language You know, there's all these love languages minus the physical touch Just it's sitting with his arms around me

Lisa Crozier (39:19.386)

It was crazy what it did. I could breathe. And I know this about myself now. So I know to seek it out when I need it. I know I need him to hold my hand. I have this fear of the dentist. I had a bad experience at the dentist once. And ever since then, I've just had this horrible fear. And during COVID, they didn't want anyone to come in. But I said, I've got this thing. I'm so nervous. I need my husband. And they let him come in, but he had to be at the foot.

Lisa Crozier (39:47.402)

So he literally held my feet. He put his hands on my feet while they did what they did, and I got through it. But I know that I need this. I know I need hugs. I need cuddles. I need that snuggle. And I also know that I need the relationships around me. And here's an example of that. Sometimes other people can see things in me that I don't see and can't quite figure out. And I recognize that.

Lisa Crozier (40:17.122)

fight their help. I had a situation a few weeks ago and I remember saying to my friend, I don't know what it is with me, I just feel off. I don't know what that, I don't know why, I don't know what's going on. Well, I kind of knew why, there was some stuff going on. But I said, I kind of feel off. And she looked at me and she said, well, you've got X, Y, and Z going on. You're just emotionally exhausted. And I said, oh my gosh, you're right.

Lisa Crozier (40:45.814)

That's exactly it. And once we named it, I knew what to do. I went home and I just watched some mindless TV for a while, which is something I almost never do. I don't really care much for TV. But I needed to not think and not interact for a while and just veg. I needed to veg out. And having that outside input to help me see things that I don't see was really, really helpful. So right now, we're going through.

Lisa Crozier (41:13.95)

My husband recently was diagnosed with cancer. I do feel it's very treatable, I hope. We don't know all the details yet. We're still in the waiting. We have chosen to communicate with people about it. Even our kids, in the very beginning, at first we were going to wait until we had all the information. But we thought, no, they need to see us go through the waiting too. Because there's going to be a day when they're going to have to wait. And I really...

Lisa Crozier (41:43.346)

I feel like I'm doing all right. You know, my faith is really carrying me. One of my mantras, my main mantra now is stay in the moment, do the next right thing. That's carrying me and I'm valuing this moment. I'm filled with gratitude that I get to walk with him through something really, really hard that we don't have to do it alone, that we've got each other, that we have the relationship that we do. And the one thing I do notice is I'm tired, but I really don't feel like I'm

Lisa Crozier (42:12.854)

I don't feel like I'm stressed, but I have invited those really close to me to watch me and let me know if they see something that I miss. Because I do know that it is my tendency to be in denial about things and for things to be perfectly fine until they're not. And then BOOM! All of a sudden I'm a mess. So I'm hoping maybe if that's going to happen someone will see, but maybe it won't. Maybe it'll be fine too. But it's good to have other eyes.

Aransas Savas (42:42.259)

Yeah.

Lisa Crozier (42:43.35)

I need, again, I need supervision.

Aransas Savas (42:47.28)

And you understand that because you have learned yourself.

Lisa Crozier (42:52.95)

Yeah. And I know it's OK to ask, because I love helping someone else. And I give them the opportunity then to be there for me. And that helps. You know, the opportunity without making it an obligation, I guess. But they get something out of helping just like I do. So why would I deny them that?

Aransas Savas (43:12.746)

Yeah. Why would you deny you that either? And yet we do for fear and ego. And you have done the work to learn yourself. What has been most helpful to you in learning your needs?

Lisa Crozier (43:22.654)

Ego.

Lisa Crozier (43:40.398)

hitting bottom probably, you know, going through really hard stuff and being able to get to the other side and look back and say, wow, that really helped me. Look at all the blessing. Look at all the value that came from that really hard thing. And then doing the work, you know, I am in a recovery program and the steps, the recovery steps that really make you look.

Lisa Crozier (44:07.262)

inside and do the hard work and do the hard stuff and face yourself and face the monsters in the closet. All of that has really led to everything.

Aransas Savas (44:20.602)

There's a lot of attention in your story, a lot of willingness to show up for yourself, for others, with integrity. And I said that the word that comes to mind for me when I think of you is love. But if I had to choose or got to choose a second word, I would choose integrity. You, in the toughest of times, like this moment,

Aransas Savas (44:49.798)

which can be full of fear and uncertainty and unknown, you are facing it with the same truth and authenticity and integrity that defines you in the most beautiful and promising moments. And as I listen to you, I am reminded again and again of

Aransas Savas (45:17.594)

the importance and the value of time and attention.

And so with these last moments, we're gonna do something that Lisa and I have done together many, many times. We're gonna invite you listeners out there to join us bring one hand to your gut and tune into that little inner voice that guides you.

Aransas Savas (46:59.674)

And with your eyes closed, I invite you to reflect on Lisa's story.

Aransas Savas (47:10.414)

on the little moments when she said something today that sparked a sense of recognition in you.

Aransas Savas (47:23.326)

that little voice that said, hey.

Aransas Savas (47:28.19)

Tune in to this message.

Aransas Savas (47:36.582)

and ask yourself.

Aransas Savas (47:40.446)

What those messages.

Aransas Savas (47:45.191)

those sparks.

Aransas Savas (47:48.686)

might mean for you at this point in your life.

Aransas Savas (48:02.154)

Perhaps you want to take a moment to journal on.

Aransas Savas (48:13.118)

these sparks.

Aransas Savas (48:23.282)

And if so, go ahead and hit pause. Lisa and I will be here when you get back. And if you would be helped by a transcript of this conversation, I feel like.

Aransas Savas (48:37.362)

Lisa's story is jam packed with so much wisdom and insight that I know I wanna go back and just really spend some time with it. Head over to theuplifterspodcast.com and we'll have the transcript waiting for you there along with lots of other opportunities to get to know Lisa and her story as well as all the other Uplifters that you've.

Aransas Savas (49:04.074)

met on this show who've so generously shared their lived experiences with all of us. Lisa, thank you.

Lisa Crozier (49:15.202)

Thank you, Aransas. This has been such an honor. I love you so much and you know that. You absolutely know that. You are one of my heroes.

Aransas Savas (49:27.554)

I feel like I am better every time I spend time with you. And that is something I have intentionally cultivated in my life, is a circle of human beings that uplift me. So thank you for being my uplifter, a teacher, an inspiration, a friend, a guide. I am grateful for you. I'm grateful for your struggles.

Aransas Savas (49:57.106)

And I'm grateful for what they've given all of us who get the opportunity to learn and grow alongside you.

Lisa Crozier (50:04.918)

Thank you so much.

Aransas Savas (50:07.526)

Uplifters, I'll see you over at the uplifters podcast.com

“I was tired of feeling run over all the time. I started feeling down and mopey about things. And I just didn’t know how to turn them around. I was taking on too much and I was trying to carry too much.” 

-Alexis Nelson

Today’s guest, Alexis Nelson, was nominated for The Uplifters Podcast by Beth Raynor Webb, from episode 5.  At 33 years old, Alexis has already spent 14 years in the Air Force. Like so many Uplifters, she finds joy and satisfaction in caring for others, but she also had to learn earlier than most what it takes to sustain her service. 

Her work has landed her in physically and emotionally intense situations that have taken a toll on her mental and physical health. As doctors searched for underlying causes, like MS and other mimickers, they ultimately found that acute stress was the real culprit. To treat it she learned small and simple ways to care for herself daily. 

Listen to the full conversation to hear:

* How the Airplane Mask Theory helped Alexis put her well-being in perspective

* The small steps she took to slowly and steadily reclaim her health

* The daily practices she uses to maintain her physical and emotional health

* Her approach to setting and keeping boundaries

* How she stops swirls of “ick” when they start

* Her exact script for asking for support or a timeout when she needs it

* My new theory that Uplifters aren’t just carrying the weight of others’ needs on our shoulders, but in bulging kangaroo pouches

Let’s keep rising higher, together,

Aransas

PS: Our show is entirely listener-supported, so if you find value in these conversations, please consider supporting us by becoming a paid subscriber. 💓

MESSY TRANSCRIPT 

Welcome to The Uplifters Podcast! I’m your host Aransas Savas, and you just heard Beth Raynor Webb who we met in episode 5, introducing Alexis Nelson, a woman who inspires her. Today, we’ll meet Alexis to learn more about her journey and where she finds her inspiration. Alexis, welcome!

I love that Beth highlighted your courage and curiosity in her introduction. What three words do you think best describe you?

What experiences have had the biggest influence on shaping you?

TRANSCRIPT

Aransas Savas (00:01.398)

Welcome to the Uplifters podcast. I'm your host, Aransas Savas, and you just heard Beth Raynor-Webb, who you met and probably fell madly in love with in episode five, introducing Alexis Nelson. So today, we're gonna meet Alexis to learn more about her, her journey, and where she finds her inspiration. Alexis, welcome.

Alexis Nelson (00:30.973)

Thank you for having me.

Aransas Savas (00:32.814)

Thank you for being here. I love that Beth highlighted your courage and your curiosity in her introduction of you. What three words do you think best describe who you really are?

Alexis Nelson (00:48.781)

Oh man, I would say for sure creative, adventurous. I'm gonna go bubbly. I love being, I love having just fun, exciting moments and we all like being happy and feeling happy. So I think it's contagious and it's definitely important to kind of carry through, but.

Aransas Savas (00:55.67)

Hmm.

Aransas Savas (01:10.774)

That's such a nice combo, too. Creative, adventurous, bubbly. How does creative show up in your life?

Alexis Nelson (01:18.449)

I definitely have always been super drawn to art in all forms. I went to fashion design school and I was very young in college, learned how to sew when I was young, paint every once in a while, do photography. So I kind of dabble in a little bit of everything, just making fun, beautiful, whatever I guess emotional you're feeling. But it's definitely a huge part of my life and definitely an outlet for me.

Aransas Savas (01:46.102)

and adventurous? What does that look like?

Alexis Nelson (01:48.665)

Yeah, so I've been all 50 states, which is one of my accomplishments I wanted to do before I was 30, and knocked that one out. And then my life in the military has brought me tons of different places, but it's so fun to, once I get there, not only bloom or implanted, but kind of explore those areas too. So if I never go back to an area, I want to accomplish everything that I want to see, eat, do, that kind of stuff.

Aransas Savas (01:51.542)

Waaaaaaah!

Alexis Nelson (02:17.923)

So just making sure I'm living life to the fullest in those places where I'm at.

Aransas Savas (02:22.654)

And tell me a little bit more about you and the military. What do you do? What is your function?

Alexis Nelson (02:28.665)

Yeah, so I've been a part of the Minnesota Air National Guard for 14 years and it's been a lot of growth, a lot of exciting adventures. There's been some hard things that I've had to grow through as well. But I've gotten to go to so many cool places, meet so many cool people and the experiences that I've pulled from that is just, it's not something that everybody gets to do and see.

Aransas Savas (02:52.179)

Yeah, what drew you to that?

Alexis Nelson (02:55.089)

I would say honestly, I'm third generation, something to do with airplanes. So I was naturally drawn to the Air Force side of things and then trying to figure out what I wanted to do for college. It was just a, well, they'll pay for my tuition and that was pretty attractive to a 17, 18 year old. So that was my main motivator. And then I just, I really grew to love it, love the people I work with and yeah, they bring me on adventures. So I'm pretty happy about that as well.

Aransas Savas (03:14.574)

Sure.

Aransas Savas (03:24.702)

And what are your goals in that arena?

Alexis Nelson (03:28.333)

Sure. So I started in aircraft maintenance working on F-16s and kind of moved my way through the administrative world. right now I'm going to school for meteorology. So I want to take that and try to go from the enlisted to the commission side and commission as meteorologists with the Air Force. Yeah.

Aransas Savas (03:49.61)

Wow, wow. And you describe yourself as bubbly, which is maybe not a word I would associate with the military. So how does that fit?

Alexis Nelson (04:02.409)

I would definitely say, I mean that the attitude is huge. Cause if you're having a bad day, everybody else is going to think of a bad day. So it's definitely contagious and definitely being more in the, I would say customer service side of my position. It's, if I'm crabby, I'm going to be spreading that real quick. So being able to be fun and bright and bubbly, I think makes me more approachable too with my job. And especially as somebody.

Alexis Nelson (04:30.205)

who needs to be helping and encouraging, especially a younger rank Airman kind of girl through their careers.

Aransas Savas (04:37.958)

Yeah, it sounds like you use a very authentic way of being to create connection and to sort of raise the energy of everyone around you.

Alexis Nelson (04:50.609)

I try, I try. I do have my days too, but I definitely try.

Aransas Savas (04:53.421)

Yeah!

Aransas Savas (04:56.006)

Yeah, of course. And I think it's important to acknowledge that. So I am fascinated by how people become who they are. What are some of the experiences that have had the most influence or impact on who you are today?

Alexis Nelson (05:22.121)

I think just growing up, my mom worked for the airlines. We were able to travel And so that definitely sparked that travel interest and airplane interest. My dad's in airport management. So that, we're always at air shows and that kind of a thing. But also I was, I grew up in the 90s. So definitely I didn't have technology. So I was a nature kid. I was outside all the time. And I think that sparks a lot of those adventures. as far as personality goes, I definitely gravitate more towards my grandma. She got me through a lot. She's my go-to person for advice and I just I think the world of her and she was a very positive person so she definitely taught that and that was definitely a huge part of me and where I pulled that from.

Aransas Savas (06:15.742)

And how does that translate into who you are now?

Alexis Nelson (06:23.349)

I think just kind of merging it all together. I've done a lot of growth in my life and I I don't really look at anything that's happened to me as like, oh that was really rough or bad or anything It might have just needed that growth in certain areas So I try to make those hardships more of a positive outlook and look back and really reflect on how I've grown how I've changed what I've learned What I could do better next time even But I think that's such a huge important

Alexis Nelson (06:53.285)

way to kind of keep that boost and that positivity as well when you're kind of going through something rough.

what does it look like for you to take something that is hard, is challenging, and translate your mindset to, okay, what do I need to learn here?

Alexis Nelson (07:14.225)

I think I just need a time out. I just need time to sit and process it. Maybe time to reflect on it. So maybe going through it just to get through it and then take that time to like really reflect, journal, chat about it, talk about it with people who've gone through similar experiences, you know, especially in the military. It's great to have our family because we go through it together and we've had some awesome experiences and we've had some rough ones and to be able to look back some of those trips are pretty rough and they're pretty remote and finding that positive, finding everything positive in those kind of situations are going to help you get through it for sure.

Aransas Savas (08:07.314)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think that's hard for a lot of people to do, though. So our natural tendency is things are not going as hoped for, it's called our negativity bias. We look for what's wrong, but it sounds like you. And I think a lot of uplifters have this tendency to have a positivity bias that is unique. And so when you.

Alexis Nelson (08:11.888)

Yes.

Aransas Savas (08:37.022)

or in a situation that's not what you hope for expected. I heard you say, I journal about it, I give myself a timeout, I talk to other people. What gets you out of the swirl or the spiral of ick when it happens?

Alexis Nelson (08:57.654)

Alexis Nelson (09:06.461)

taking that moment to pause.

Alexis Nelson (09:12.537)

and just kind of really think like, what is making me feel so gross? And honestly, I just, I need those timeouts. I need a nap, I need a snack, a drink of water, something to kind of take my mind off of, like feeling zoned into just that rough, yucky feeling. And even pulling people out of those ruts too, where it's like, all right, you're bringing me down a little bit. You need a timeout too, and that's okay. And I think a lot of people don't give themselves enough timeouts.

Aransas Savas (09:17.402)

Hmm.

Aransas Savas (09:42.74)

What does that script sound like for you when you need a timeout? How do you let other people know?

Alexis Nelson (09:50.281)

Um, I usually am just like, just saying how it is. Like I'm not doing okay. I'm stressed. I'm overloaded. I'm, you know, sometimes there's times where like you just have to get through it and you have to stick it out and like take a couple deep breaths, you know, um, find something good in it, find something, a goal or an end little, little hurdles even to get to that bigger goal.

Alexis Nelson (10:19.949)

in the meantime, but I'm pretty good about vocalizing that I need a timeout now, especially when it's to that point where I'm like, I really need this. And that's very important to learn, and that was a very hard thing for me to learn for a long time. But now that I have that tool in my back pocket, that's what gets me through most of my days.

Aransas Savas (10:30.602)

Yeah.

Aransas Savas (10:42.054)

Yeah, and I love that you acknowledge how hard it is to ask for that. And that's why I wanted to hear about your script for it, because I think a lot of us don't have, I think of everything as like a muscle, right? That if we don't use them, they atrophy. If we use them, they get stronger, and we are better able to turn to them in the moment of tension or challenge. And it becomes an automatic response as opposed to one that has to...

Alexis Nelson (10:49.308)

Yeah.

Aransas Savas (11:09.91)

take a lot of thought and a lot of consideration to get to. So what changed for you that you were able to go from somebody who found it hard to ask for what you need and kind of consciously and directly state how you are to somebody who does this regularly?

Alexis Nelson (11:31.193)

Yeah, I mean, I definitely went through some hardships in my 20s. I definitely grew a lot. And that was one of the big goals was I was tired of feeling run over all the time. I started feeling down and mopey about things. And I'm like, I just, I can't, I don't know how to turn them around. And I think I was taking on too much for me and I was trying to carry too much. And I was trying to fix things and.

Alexis Nelson (11:55.853)

I had a couple people in my life that were just like, please, please let me do something. You know, like I'm here for you. And I've always just taken that as a friend, you know, friends say that, but I had some great people in my life throughout my 20s and helped me grow through those areas and say, okay, I really can't ask for help. These people I can rely on. And that was huge.

Aransas Savas (12:23.73)

So it started with having a couple of people who felt like safe spaces.

Alexis Nelson (12:28.197)

Absolutely.

Aransas Savas (12:31.058)

And then what did the work look like for you to start to take? So I used to, you talk about carrying everything, right? So used to when I was working with clients for the longest time, I imagined us as uplifters carrying everything on our backs and on our shoulders, right? And it would just like pile on and on, and we would carry more and more and more. Many of us have.

Aransas Savas (12:59.486)

what we believe to be infinite capacity. And so like Luisa in Encanto, we would just, people would say, I need something covered and we'd be like, I got you. And we would just keep piling and piling and piling and carrying more and more and more and more. And then things would start to slip and we would blame ourselves and not the fact that we were carrying 5 billion things. Recently, I have revised my image of that in my mind. I think...

Alexis Nelson (13:20.569)

Yes.

Aransas Savas (13:27.354)

many of the women I'm talking to aren't actually carrying it on our shoulders and in our hands. We're carrying it like kangaroo pouches. It's like sticking out in front of us and we just keep shoving more in the kangaroo pouch until it starts overflowing and then we're just like, let me tuck it back in there. And I think so many of us find ourselves

Aransas Savas (13:58.334)

resistant and we create distance in our relationships and we feel a sense of betrayal from those we love because we have said yes so much to so many things that really either weren't ours to carry or just were putting us over capacity. Yeah.

Aransas Savas (14:37.63)

So you're 33. It's pretty young, you know, in a lifetime. What are you learning now that you've started to say, this is how I am. I need a break. Let me advocate for what I need. I can't take on everything for everyone. What's shifted for you?

Alexis Nelson (14:39.667)

Yes.

Alexis Nelson (15:04.613)

I think boundaries. I did have a friend who pushed boundaries, and that was definitely a breaking point for like, no, like you are somebody I adore, and I really think we're very close in life, but I just got tired. Like you said, I was carrying a lot of, you know, their emotional capacity limits as well, and that weighs on you a lot on top of working full time and trying to take care of myself and do my life.

Aransas Savas (15:06.398)

Mm-hmm.

Alexis Nelson (15:34.393)

um, setting those boundaries of like, no, you know what? I can't hang out today. I'm actually exhausted and I need to take a nap. I need to just relax. I need to do what fills up my cup. Cause I, you can't pour from an empty cup and that it's a huge thing that I live by. Even a half full cup most days is not going to get you through. So doing things that find you joy and help you relax. And.

Alexis Nelson (16:03.773)

that was super important to learn and understand about myself as well. What brings me joy and what resets me? And that was a huge life lesson for me too. Um, and being able to say no and being able to take care of me first. Um, actually I had a tattoo done, um, of an airplane, not because of travel or the air force, but in psychology, there's a, there's a whole concept called the airplane theory. And.

Aransas Savas (16:13.122)

Yeah.

Alexis Nelson (16:31.485)

The part that really resonated for me was when they make the announcement of, put your gas mask on before helping others. It's a reminder to take care of myself first because I, I wasn't doing that on top of caring too much. And it's, it's I've learned it's so important just to reset and take care of you and set healthy boundaries. And it's okay.

Aransas Savas (16:55.082)

Yeah, it's more than OK. It's, in fact, essential. so many of us fall into that category of people who find it difficult to say no, to set boundaries, and to put ourselves first. Because we like helping other people. It feels really good. It gives us purpose. And

Alexis Nelson (16:59.186)

Yes.

Alexis Nelson (17:19.638)

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Aransas Savas (17:23.758)

And it gives us a reason to keep going and keep growing. And yet we can feel so depleted that it gets in the way. So what was the cost to you of not putting up boundaries?

Alexis Nelson (17:40.385)

Oh man, my mental health and my physical health, I had mimicers that we were looking for things like MS and for years, like six, seven years, we were waiting for that. And the stress that I was putting onto myself actually had, I didn't realize there was a blood test that you could do for the chronic stress that you're putting on yourself, but I had high numbers and...

Alexis Nelson (18:07.513)

Um, it was actually doing damage to my physical health. And I had to start doing those things for me because nobody else was going to do those things for me. So I needed to take care of myself. So then I could help others, not the other way around. Yes.

Aransas Savas (18:25.374)

Mm, that's a big distinction there. And what did that take saying to yourself to believe that?

Alexis Nelson (18:34.605)

If I wanted to get better and I wanted to heal and not just my body was so achy and tired and I was losing motivation and I was getting burnt out at work much faster than I normally would have. I was getting short with relationships and it really took a toll on me and it really took until I hit a wall one day of like, I don't like where I'm at.

Alexis Nelson (19:01.877)

and kind of reflecting and saying, okay, what do we need to change? What do we need to look at? Why we can fix this, you know? It's, it took a long time to learn those things and reset my mind and the way I thought of how I went about thinking and doing some things. But once I was able to kind of overcome and remind myself like, nope.

Alexis Nelson (19:25.585)

We're going to do it this way this time. It was now it's I don't think about it anymore. It's just kind of like, no, this is what I do now.

Aransas Savas (19:33.358)

Yeah, what a beautiful way to describe that. Again, this idea of a muscle building. So in the beginning, like if I've never flexed my bicep, it's gonna be, I'm gonna have to start with really light weights.

Alexis Nelson (19:45.392)

Mm-hmm.

Alexis Nelson (19:49.673)

Absolutely.

Aransas Savas (19:49.946)

or no weight and make it really easy and then do that for a while and then build up and I get more and more practiced until I get stronger and stronger. So what were those first steps for you?

Alexis Nelson (20:04.049)

Absolutely.

Alexis Nelson (20:07.949)

Um, I think just taking it slow. You know, saying no to everything until I could be in a place or I could like. Go out to the coffee or do something small. I was told if you ask yourself why three times, you're gonna get the answer. Because the first one you're gonna be like, oh this is pretty general. The second one, maybe you're getting a little closer to it, but by the time you ask yourself that third why, like, you're getting somewhere with how you need to reflect. And that was a good small step as to...

Alexis Nelson (21:06.097)

Why am I feeling so grumpy all the time?

Aransas Savas (21:10.794)

The three Ys are powerful. And these habits that we have, the habit of accepting everything for not having boundaries, those are pretty well honed for most of us by the time we realize that that's the habit that's getting in our way. And so no matter how.

Aransas Savas (21:32.646)

much we really focus our energy and attention on building that new response, it's pretty easy to slip backwards. What helps you stay focused forward on boundaries and self-care?

Alexis Nelson (21:50.757)

I think also reflecting of, I don't want to go back. I don't want to do that again. 

Aransas Savas (23:11.73)

yeah, I think one of the things that I find most powerful about having a reflection practice, whether it's journaling or meditating or even communication with other people, is it helps us challenge some of our old beliefs and see what's true for now. How have your beliefs shifted over these last few years?

Alexis Nelson (23:36.325)

I think I'm gaining more confidence in myself and that's a beautiful thing, honestly. And I think where my mindset is and where I'm working towards is a little bit stronger minded as well where I'm feeling more confident into where I want to go and where I want to be as a person. And having those goals to work towards daily is...

Alexis Nelson (24:05.378)

is very helpful.

Aransas Savas (24:07.566)

So what are your goals?

Alexis Nelson (24:09.793)

I try to be a better human in, I'm such an empath towards people and I just, I carry so much about other people and I really feel for people. And so trying to grow in a healthy way where I'm not taking that on, but I am understanding better their why.

Alexis Nelson (24:39.373)

and their needs, I think, I think is, is very helpful. Kind of gives me a better story too, instead of like, I really feel for you and getting super sucked in right away. 

Alexis Nelson (25:09.105)

when I was in Germany, I was there when the Afghan refugees were there. And we were taking on, I was working the moment in children's tents. And it was the most emotional rollercoaster of my life because I felt for those women. I felt for those children. Um, and they've been removed from their homes. 

Alexis Nelson (25:38.405)

there was a man who came up to me with a baby, had no diaper, no blanket. And it was like, this wasn't my baby. Someone gave me this baby to get out of that situation. all day, I was just emotionally drained, but I was also, I felt so good. Cause it was so fun to play with the kids and see the kids run around with a soccer ball it was just highs and lows and,

Alexis Nelson (26:07.257)

understanding why they were there trying to meet their needs and get them what they need until they could get back to the states or wherever they were headed towards. I think that's super important just to have a better understanding so you can put that energy to the right use too.

Aransas Savas (26:29.742)

Hmm. So am I hearing you correctly that there is, as an empath, there's a tendency to get emotionally involved. And you have shifted your perspective from sort of feeling other people's pain to understanding the needs that they have in the moment. Because we can make up stories about people. And we can assume we know what they need. But it sounds like.

Alexis Nelson (27:05.578)

Mm-hmm.

Alexis Nelson (27:20.177)

Yes, yes.

Aransas Savas (27:21.554)

What you were doing is you were engaging in conversation to understand what they really needed.

I wanted to help people and give people what they needed. But unless they also want that change or they also want that help, you know, it's. That's not good use of me and my resources. 

Aransas Savas (28:17.674)

Yeah, there is an urge in so many of us, especially, again, uplifters to want to help and to think that we know the help that's needed.

The urge is often referred to as the righting reflex. And so we see something askew or off and we know we're smart and capable and helpful and care. And so we're like, let me straighten this up. I always think about this, I was a little girl and more than anything, I had wanted this floppy baby doll And the first day I got it, it just draped over my shoulder and it felt like a newborn. And my great grandmother, who was a doll repair person and a maker of dolls and doll clothes, saw this doll by my bed, picked it up, and stuffed it in the middle of the night so that it stood rigid, which was her idea of fixing it. And I was so disappointed because what I wanted was a floppy doll. And I see this all the time in relationships with adults, with children. We think we know it's so clear to us. And yet we don't know until we ask.

 I mean, if you can tell somebody exactly what you need, but it's so helpful on its own.

Aransas Savas (30:36.65)

Yeah, yeah, what would be different in the world if we all knew what we wanted and needed, and we knew how to ask for our own needs to be met while also asking others what their needs are so that we can meet each other? I always talk about it, meeting expert to expert. I am the expert in me, you are the expert in you.

Alexis Nelson (30:59.741)

Yeah.

Aransas Savas (33:29.85)

So what do you hope people will learn from your story?

Alexis Nelson (33:37.097)

I just hope people are encouraged to, just take small steps and make small goals. And I get overwhelmed very easily. And I don't know, maybe take time, a little bit of time for themselves to reflect and take some deep breaths or have a glass of water or find what makes you happy and find what makes you reset and brings you joy because you gotta keep that cup full. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Aransas Savas (34:05.794)

said. So when you reflect, what kind of questions do you ask yourself?

Alexis Nelson (34:14.526)

I just kind of try to take time and figure out where I am emotionally and where I feel full or tapped out on and kind of go from there. Like, what was it that wore me out? You know, could I have said no a few more times? Could I have done something better?

Alexis Nelson (34:42.333)

just to bring me a little more joy today, or that I actually had a really good day, and these were the really good highlights that I can share with somebody about my day, and yeah.

Aransas Savas (34:55.062)

Yeah, it's that self-awareness and I do that a lot in my work. And one of the things we just started doing on the last episode of the Uplifters podcast that we're playing with for a little while is taking a moment together to reflect. So.

Aransas Savas (35:11.198)

In each episode, what I'm doing is inviting our whole audience to breathe along with us for a few moments. And so if you're down for that, maybe we take just a moment to translate some of these ideas into action. Because I think we get so surrounded by inspirational ideas and content. And yet, it can be really hard to find time

Aransas Savas (35:41.792)

and to practice it.So if you want to begin by just closing your eyes  if you're comfortable, not if you're driving. Place one hand on your heart, one on your gut, root your feet to the earth. Maybe allow your

Alexis Nelson (35:56.933)

Yeah.

Aransas Savas (36:08.55)

spine to elongate and your shoulders to soften. And as you begin to breathe in and out, simply bring your attention and your curiosity into checking in with you. How are you in this moment?

Aransas Savas (36:37.442)

How are you emotionally?

Aransas Savas (36:45.582)

How are you physically?

Aransas Savas (36:50.99)

How's your energy right now?

Aransas Savas (36:58.798)

What do you need today?

Aransas Savas (37:04.234)

And if you need a few more moments with these questions, take them.

Aransas Savas (37:14.358)

We uplifters, we carry so much for so many.

Aransas Savas (37:20.238)

We can lighten the load by caring for ourselves regularly. And this little moment, this is just a gentle, loving reminder to tune in, to listen, to see what your body, your emotions, your energy have to teach you about what it is you really need so that like Alexis,

Aransas Savas (37:48.29)

You can practice asking for it. And if you feel like you want to hit pause, go ahead. Go hang out with you for a few minutes. Write about it. Explore it further. And then let us know what you're finding. Maybe, like Alexis, this can translate into a regular practice of better understanding.

Aransas Savas (38:16.558)

building the muscle of asking for your needs to be met, and creating even more space to better understand more completely not just yourself, but the others that you care for.

Aransas Savas (38:34.766)

Thank you, Alexis, for sharing what works for you and what hasn't, and for all that you do, for our country, and for your community. Uplifters, thank you for listening.

“I was tired of feeling run over all the time. I started feeling down and mopey about things. And I just didn’t know how to turn them around. I was taking on too much and I was trying to carry too much.” 

Today’s guest, Alexis Nelson, was nominated for The Uplifters Podcast by Beth Raynor Webb, from episode 5.  At 33 years old, Alexis has already spent 14 years in the Air Force. Like so many Uplifters, she finds joy and satisfaction in caring for others, but she also had to learn earlier than most what it takes to sustain her service. 

Her work has landed her in physically and emotionally intense situations that have taken a toll on her mental and physical health. As doctors searched for underlying causes, like MS and other mimickers, they ultimately found that acute stress was the real culprit. To treat it she learned small and simple ways to care for herself daily. 

Listen to the full conversation to hear:

• How the Airplane Mask Theory helped Alexis put her well-being in perspective

• The small steps she took to slowly and steadily reclaim her health

• The daily practices she uses to maintain her physical and emotional health

• Her approach to setting and keeping boundaries

• How she stops swirls of “ick” when they start

• Her exact script for asking for support or a timeout when she needs it

• My new theory that Uplifters aren’t just carrying the weight of others’ needs on our shoulders, but in bulging kangaroo pouches

How you do one thing is how you do everything. Again and again, in my work with women who are in transitional phases, I have seen how changing any one thing in our lives can kick off a cascade that changes everything. When people want to get unstuck, we often start by creating structure and organization in their daily lives to ensure their precious energy is focused where it matters most. And so, today I am thrilled to welcome Sonya Weisshappel, who is known as The Chaos Whisperer, for her work helping people organize their homes, their lives, and their files, with her company, Seriatim. Thank you to Melanie Cohen for her lovely introduction.

Like so many Uplifter journeys, Sonya’s story begins at the moment she turned a difference into a strength. Sonya is a proud dyslexic. Her unique way of viewing information led her to a career helping thousands of people organize their lives, home, and data. In this episode you’ll discover:

• The difference between project lists and task lists and which lists actually get done. 

• How to get ourselves into Beast Mode by setting ourselves up for success with the right tools and the right processes. 

• How we set ourselves up for Frustration Mode by holding onto the accumulated clutter of dreams and goals that didn’t have the right tools or processes to gain momentum. 

• How bundling up the objects that anchor us to old habits can be a stepping stone to fully releasing them mentally, physically and emotionally. 

• How our comfort zones can stop our growth, make us feel locked in the past, and turn our strengths into roadblocks. 

I hope you’ll find lots of juicy inspiration in this conversation to help you clear out any mental or physical clutter that might be causing you to stumble on the path to your goals. But, inspiration alone is just a starting point. We Uplifters are really here to turn our big ideas into big action! So, at the end of this episode, I’ll introduce a brand new segment to mark our 11th episode, and a new decade in our journey. I’ll ask you to take a few moments to reflect on what this conversation means for you and your dreams. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this new format, so please reply to this email or comment below and let me know what you think. 

Let’s keep rising higher, together.

Subscribe now

Sonya grew up in New York City where she started her organizing company, Seriatim, in 1999. Proudly dyslexic, Sonya founded her business in order to avoid writing a resume and now, almost two decades later, she and her Seriatim team have earned themselves a reputation as consummate Chaos Whisperers. In 2017, Sonya became the first organizer to be accepted into the Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Businesses Program. She is currently President of the New York Council of Relocation Professionals (NYCORP). In her spare time, Sonya organizes her husband, three children, and rescue dog, Finn.

Find more from Sonya here and here.

Welcome to episode 11 of The Uplifters Podcast!

How you do one thing is how you do everything. Again and again, in my work with women who are in transitional phases, I have seen how changing any one thing in our lives can kick off a cascade that changes everything. When people want to get unstuck, we often start by creating structure and organization in their daily lives to ensure their precious energy is focused where it matters most. And so, today I am thrilled to welcome Sonya Weisshappel, who is known as The Chaos Whisperer, for her work helping people organize their homes, their lives, and their files, with her company, Seriatim. Thank you to Melanie Cohen for her lovely introduction.

Like so many Uplifter journeys, Sonya’s story begins at the moment she turned a difference into a strength. Sonya is a proud dyslexic. Her unique way of viewing information led her to a career helping thousands of people organize their lives, home, and data. In this episode you’ll discover:

* The difference between project lists and task lists and which lists actually get done. 

* How to get ourselves into Beast Mode by setting ourselves up for success with the right tools and the right processes. 

* How we set ourselves up for Frustration Mode by holding onto the accumulated clutter of dreams and goals that didn’t have the right tools or processes to gain momentum. 

* How bundling up the objects that anchor us to old habits can be a stepping stone to fully releasing them mentally, physically and emotionally. 

* How our comfort zones can stop our growth, make us feel locked in the past, and turn our strengths into roadblocks. 

I hope you’ll find lots of juicy inspiration in this conversation to help you clear out any mental or physical clutter that might be causing you to stumble on the path to your goals. But, inspiration alone is just a starting point. We Uplifters are really here to turn our big ideas into big action! So, at the end of this episode, I’ll introduce a brand new segment to mark our 11th episode, and a new decade in our journey. I’ll invite you to take a few moments to reflect on what this conversation means for you and your dreams.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this new format, so please reply to this email or comment below and let me know what you think. 

Let’s keep rising higher, together.

Aransas

Get To Know Sonya

Sonya grew up in New York City where she started her organizing company, Seriatim, in 1999. Proudly dyslexic, Sonya founded her business in order to avoid writing a resume and now, almost two decades later, she and her Seriatim team have earned themselves a reputation as consummate Chaos Whisperers. In 2017, Sonya became the first organizer to be accepted into the Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Businesses Program. She is currently President of the New York Council of Relocation Professionals (NYCORP). In her spare time, Sonya organizes her husband, three children, and rescue dog, Finn.

Find more from Sonya here and here.

Messy Transcript

Aransas Savas (00:04.168)

Welcome to the Uplifters podcast. 

when I asked you to tell me a little bit about you,

Aransas Savas (04:12.872)

The first thing you said is, I'm a proud dyslexic who started my company because I didn't want to fill out a resume.

Sonya (04:24.31)

I know some days that haunts me, but on the other hand, it is, it is a hundred percent truthful for, cause one used to use a typewriter with whiteout. And that meant that you needed to understand graphically where things were. And you needed to know how to spell. And you needed to know what it needed to look like to create it. So I avoided writing it because I didn't know what to say. Plus, you have to have confidence to know how to sell yourself. I didn't have the confidence at that point. So I thought, I'll just do what I know how to do, which is take life events and make them into something that I can help others with.. And since for the last 30 years, Sarriotta, my company, has cleaned out thousands of estates, I am...

Aransas Savas (06:23.605)

Mmm.

Sonya (06:43.918)

always reminded that you cannot take it with you. And so how someone left this world it affects them, but generationally it affects those left behind as well. And so,

Sonya (07:13.99)

If anything, the one thing that I believe the most in is to know what you own and to only keep in your world what you care about.Some people want to take up arts and craft, a hobby. They go out, they get everything, but they didn't make room for it in their home. Where are you going to plug in that sewing machine? Do you have a table to put the sewing machine on? Do you have scissors? Do you have the supplies you need? It dies on the vine. And part of the reason it dies on the vine is because it didn't come part of the structure within their calendar. It didn't become part of their standard operating procedures

Sonya (08:40.318)

Every day I wake up and I brush my teeth. I also check my LinkedIn and oh, by the way, I feed the fish. The fish will go belly up if you don't feed it. Your plants will die if you don't water it or give it its care. Everything you own requires care. So how much time do you have to devote to care? And on what interval?

Aransas Savas (09:04.272)

Yes, yes, yes.

Aransas Savas (09:08.352)

Yes, and then I think we carry so much guilt about the stuff that we got energized or excited about and made a little investment about and then forgot to maintain. The amount of shame people feel over their dead plants 

Aransas Savas (09:32.284)

Yeah, yeah. And it isn't, I think, the thing that I think is so exciting about you and your work is that it isn't a failure. It isn't a shortcoming on your part. It doesn't mean you're bad or lazy or not good or not passionate enough or talented enough. It just means you didn't have the right process set up. So let's get in there and figure out what it is you really care about.

Sonya (10:13.534)

If you spend 15 minutes, telling yourself you suck because you didn't take care of your plant, you could have gone to the store and gotten a new plant and said, okay, I'm gonna take five minutes a day and look at my plant and meditate looking at my plant and oh yeah, it needs waterHaving raised three kids.

Aransas Savas (12:15.62)

Guilt and shame are unproductive and exhausting.

Sonya (12:19.707)

exhausting.

Aransas Savas (12:20.856)

Learning, on the other hand, is empowering and energizing. And so that's really what we're talking about. I can sit there and say, oh, I'm the bad person. I should have taken care of my plant. And I can sit there and bemoan it and worry about it all day long. Or I could say, what can I learn from this experience?

Aransas Savas (12:42.536)

and translate that into something that energizes me so that I can move forward. How does that show up in your work as an organizer?

Sonya (12:52.51)

It shows up in our work 

Sonya (12:57.246)

in many ways. People come to us in utter chaos.

Sonya (13:04.514)

paperwork out of control, they need to file their taxes, or they want something like to adopt a child or to do something joyful, but they can't because they can't get their papers together. They don't know where to even begin. So clients come to us.

Sonya (13:32.958)

in those level of crises 

Aransas Savas (15:42.636)

Hmm. And hiding, I think, most of the time, right? Like we're not dealing with these things either because we didn't have processes in place for them. But I think ultimately even that is about hiding, right? Because I started to feel ashamed, like I said, that I didn't do the thing. And so then I started to hide from the shame and the guilt and I push it further and further and further into a corner and the corner starts to get closer and closer.

Sonya (16:42.086)

Oh, absolutely.  when we, as a team go into a full blown hoard job,, which is chaos beyond. and we're doing one

Sonya (17:40.382)

It's unclean. It's, you know, it's a real, it's a real problem. But does she focus on any of that? Does she see any of that? No. She focused on her microscope. She said, there's my microscope in the center of the floor. Now, mind you, she had a fall, ended up in the hospital and required home health aides. Home health aides arrived

Sonya (18:10.278)

And she said, let's do my exercises here. they get to the living room and they're like, not happening. And she's like, what's wrong? Because she doesn't even see it. But the microscope, which is in the center of the living room, she's fixated on that is my most special object of the million.

Aransas Savas (18:52.476)

Yeah, because that's what she understands and that's where she feels confident. And I think like...

Aransas Savas (19:00.988)

to use your own beginning of this company. There's such a beautiful parallel there that again, I think with hoarders, the research shows that that is associated most often with highly intelligent, highly productive, highly engaged people. This is a byproduct of a unique view of the world. And just as with your dyslexia,

Sonya (19:26.55)

Yes.

Aransas Savas (19:29.884)

It set you up to be able to see patterns probably differently and to be able to have magic powers for your clients through your unique way of viewing the world. And for this woman that you're talking about, this is the thing she understands. This is the place she feels powerful and control and competent. And so of course she's gonna turn back there.

Sonya (19:34.892)

Yes.

Aransas Savas (19:54.44)

And I think what you're doing, if I look at it from a behavioral space, is you and your team are coming in and saying, lean on us. We are gonna be your confidence and your courage when you don't have it. And together, we're gonna get through the muck and the must and the...

Aransas Savas (20:16.94)

collected accumulation of fear and hiding and loss together. And then we're gonna set you up to be able to turn back to that microscope with an even greater sense of passion and curiosity.

Sonya (23:02.838)

That's right. That's with your three dimensional objects and find the pattern within your space. What does that mean? Find the pattern within your space.

Sonya (23:17.774)

Put your vases with your vases, put your shoes with your shoes, put your socks with your socks, you know, just put your stuff that matches together so that then you can pull out the cream of that crop. But you, you, if you, no, maybe not, you know, but if you are cooking every day and you're doing a chocolate manufacturing or.

Aransas Savas (23:35.63)

Mm-hmm. You don't need 17 spatulas.

Sonya (23:47.466)

making cookies for the bake sale weekly and you're teaching others, maybe you do need 17 spatulas, but you need to establish that that's actually what you're gonna do and make time for versus 17 spatulas in your kitchen can only hold two. So.

Aransas Savas (23:53.088)

Yeah.

Aransas Savas (24:05.624)

And you're not actually doing those aspirational things that you're saving those for maybe in case someday. 

Sonya (24:14.654)

Yeah, so first it's looking at the, that's it, you know, it's like, how real is this project? How real is it that you are going to bake or you're going to dog sit or you're going to sew or you're going to read? Like really? How, how, or that you are size, you know,

Aransas Savas (24:24.377)

Mm-hmm.

Aransas Savas (24:34.796)

Thank you.

Sonya (24:41.334)

15 and you're going down to size 4 and you've got a wardrobe of size 4 like are you working on dieting or Are you actually gonna? Just beat yourself up every time you open the closet and look at those clothes Which is it?

Right, so I think too there is this idea, whatever it is, of being in the moment you're in.

if you keep peeling back, it becomes, all about making lists So people's.

Sonya (26:20.43)

To do list is often a dump and run. They put it on a list, but they don't actually manage their list you'll never be able to do a year's worth of stuff in one day and

Aransas Savas (26:59.752)

Mm-hmm.Sonya (27:27.19)

I also think that there's a difference of putting a project on a to-do list and putting a task on a to-do list.

Aransas Savas (27:46.092)

Yes.

Sonya (27:48.054)

So if you say, write my will.

Aransas Savas (27:54.676)

Mm-hmm.

Sonya (27:57.258)

That's a project, if will is on your to-do list, there's the finding an attorney, thinking about who it is, paying the attorney, getting the draft, approving the draft, filing the thing. So you've got 10 tasks, lots of back and forth, calendar times.

Sonya (28:26.114)

things that need to go in there. So if it's just will on your to-do list, you're likely not gonna take that off your to-do list because it's not broken into something that you can accomplish. people don't like to not accomplish, they get overwhelmed because you didn't fully think about all the pieces. I do it in my running my company. I'll say, well,

Sonya (28:55.778)

We're going to switch technology platforms or payroll company or something. And yes, I know from my own experience, yeah, that's not a make a call and it's done. They need a lot of back and forth. And then there's a lot of other people who need to do things. And then you've got to manage all that. And this, oh, I can start it on Monday and I can end it on Friday. Yeah, it's not going to work. And it's really disappointing. And it's really, really, really annoying.

Aransas Savas (29:20.186)

No.

Aransas Savas (29:25.685)

Mm-hmm.

Sonya (29:26.79)

And it happens all the time, even to those of us who are veterans at managing logistics. Yeah. Uh-huh. Because you don't want to hear or you don't want to acknowledge, or you weren't in the mood to think about it thoroughly.

Aransas Savas (29:42.792)

Yeah, or we're just excited, right? And that's why one of the things I say all the time is like, it's okay to change your mind. You can say, I'm excited about this idea and then go and do the research, do that first task, which is to understand what the tasks are, and then change your mind. That's power. That's learning, that's strength, and the smartest and the most successful people are the ones who are best at changing their minds.

Sonya (30:11.822)

quickly.

Aransas Savas (30:12.688)

Yep, there's no shame. What's not a great recipe for success or satisfaction is bearing down and forcing ourselves to think about doing things forever without actually doing them. Mm-hmm, it's the worst hangover there is.

Sonya (30:27.222)

Ooh, I hate that. It's actually, it goes back to, that is where we find clutter. That's the microscope, that's the sewing machine, that's the spatulas, that's the clothes that don't fit one way or the other. That's the not going to the gym. It's a concept. It's a wish. Infinite possibilities, expansive opportunity, and yet, it stays on the to do list like the will.

Aransas Savas (30:57.324)

Cool. It's a great place to start.

Aransas Savas (31:03.944)

Yes. Yes.

Aransas Savas (31:14.262)

Mm-hmm.

Sonya (31:16.582)

And so your concept of just stepping into motion and saying, I like this, or I don't like this, oh, maybe, maybe this could work. Maybe this is working. Can, and that's the changing by adding on one more something. It just.

Aransas Savas (31:38.14)

Yeah, yeah, try it on. That's the phrase I use a lot in my work. I say, we try on ideas and behaviors, and then we give ourselves permission to take them off again. We don't have to wear everything.

Sonya (31:51.638)

No, you can only really wear one outfit at a time.

Aransas Savas (31:54.396)

Exactly. We can accessorize it. We get to learn from each of these experiences. We get to grow even from just a quick trial. We're smarter. We know more about what works for us and what doesn't. But we don't have to keep it all. And it actually feels really good to try it on and then take it off.

Sonya (31:57.44)

That's right.

Sonya (32:05.429)

Great.

Sonya (32:16.642)

So I actually think that that overwhelm is also trained. like, you have to be in struggle.

yes, it only counts if it's hard.

Sonya (32:46.67)

Well, I don't like that anymore. So.

Aransas Savas (32:51.63)

I don't either. The whole no pain no gain thing. I do believe like stick with it. Keep showing up. If it still matters. But if it's not serving you, it's okay to stop.

Sonya (32:55.25)

Yeah, it's not working for me.

What psychologically happens when a person inventories their belongings? 

Sonya (39:51.618)

There is a calmness that comes. There is a planning that comes. There is a awareness. The questions that you need to ask. 

Sonya (40:19.622)

I'm going to care about my sewing versus the microscope. I'm going to let go of the small clothes. I'm going to reward myself with the bigger clothes,, the clothes that I can fit and be happy and the clothes that I can let go of. Aransas Savas (40:58.336)

so much of my work is about time. So, we inventory time, how people spend their time, which time feels like time well spent, which time feels like time that is returning value, which time feels like time wasted.

Aransas Savas (41:20.628)

And that teaches us, frankly, everything we need to know about where people are living up to their potential and feeling a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction and where we're feeling dragged down and bored and stuck. And it goes the same way. Pay a bunch of attention to what is, then see what it says to you about where you want to go. And

Aransas Savas (41:49.036)

As you start to pay attention to what you want more of and less of, you get all the information you need about what clutter you need to clear, either in your schedule, in your time, or in your stuff, or your relationships for that matter. Mm-hmm.

Sonya (42:07.522)

that's your stuff too. Because every relationship, in fact, we moved in April and one of the things that you move is the photo collection. And within the photo collection, there was a past relationship of one of the children and it's in a box. And it's just marked with the name of the X on the box. And it's, I know no one's gonna open the box, but one's not ready to get rid of the box, but one...

Aransas Savas (42:30.734)

Hehehe

Sonya (42:37.214)

needed to box it and not view what was around. But it's the, when one's ready, that box can just go out to the curb, but one wasn't completely ready to let go.

Aransas Savas (42:39.793)

Mm-hmm.

Aransas Savas (42:50.4)

that idea though is a stepping stone if we aren't quite ready to let go of a hobby or a relationship to just, as you said, find all the pieces and parts of it, put them together, put them in a box, put it on the shelf, and use that as a transition so that when you do feel ready...

Sonya (42:57.388)

Right.

Sonya (43:12.215)

That's right.

Aransas Savas (43:15.152)

It's not a big freaking deal to clear it all out and to go find the 4000 memories and mementos and connective tissue that bind you to it, but rather just pick up the box and put it on the curb.

Sonya (43:37.454)

Projects can be very much like weeds. they keep coming up, they're always there. So that is an ongoing piece, but then also you can step back and just know that it's always just gonna be there. You could go back to the store and pick up new knitting needles and yarn and decide you're gonna knit.

Aransas Savas (43:59.989)

Yeah.

Sonya (44:07.882)

You don't necessarily need two closets full of yarn. If you're not actually knitting and ever again 

Aransas Savas (44:16.712)

Yeah, or even if you're not actually knitting right now.

Sonya (44:22.186)

boxing it up and putting it on the shelf. I do think allows that connective tissue, like a roots to, to stay together and, and separate from you. Yes. Not be, not to be like a barnacle on you. It gives you freedom.

Aransas Savas (44:37.74)

Mm-hmm, but separate from you.

Aransas Savas (44:42.185)

Yeah.

Aransas Savas (44:46.782)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it can stay with itself but not be pulling at you.

Sonya (44:53.61)

but you get to choose when it comes on and off the shelf. And I really believe in those pieces of movement. Okay, X number of projects you're gonna do in a year. Okay, that's how my brain goes. Pick one, pick something, but people tend to pick 300 or 200 and you know you're not gonna fulfill it.

Aransas Savas (44:57.236)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Aransas Savas (45:12.025)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Aransas Savas (45:23.732)

We have a tendency to underestimate what it will take to accomplish a goal. And that recipe sets us up for, again, a lot of frustration and a lot of overwhelm. The thing that...

Aransas Savas (45:44.848)

I think it's really interesting in what you're saying here though about knitting as an example is I do a lot of work with women who are in periods of transition, And I find that so often the biggest block for people...

Sonya (45:53.389)

Right.

Aransas Savas (46:04.932)

is wanting to keep doing what they always did as they try to do what they wanna do. So I think my favorite story about this is the client I work with who had, she'd been working as an amazing, high-powered administrative support and office manager at big companies and she was really good at her job.

She was really successful. And she knew she could do more. And so she set her sights on leadership roles. And she started doing all these things and having all these conversations about what it would look like if she took on a leadership role. And she was fired up.

Aransas Savas (46:56.212)

And she kept getting frustrated because even though she was getting into the room, she wasn't feeling like she was making progress in these roles. And what was happening, it turned out, is that she was putting some energy into the next while holding on to the past.

Aransas Savas (47:18.972)

And so she was the one who was really good at setting up meetings for everybody, and she was really good at calendaring, she was really good at planning those events. So when it came time to do them, people would ask her, and she felt comfortable and confident and safe. So she said yes, yep. And when things got really hard where she wanted to go, she energetically and realistically dumped herself back into those safe places.

Sonya (47:19.646)

room

Sonya (47:33.663)

and she could do it.

Aransas Savas (47:47.888)

So she started getting up in the business of the people who were taking on those roles. And it pulls you back. And I think we do this with...eating, with money, with jobs, with relationships, with stuff. We go back wherever we are comfortable. And it's what we saw with Microscope Lady. She was going back to where she felt comfortable and confident. And so I think what you're saying is, let's get really clear about what we actually really want next. And then understand what's tethering us to the past. And make a symbolic...

Aransas Savas (48:27.9)

an active choice to cut those ties and to free ourselves to move forward.

Sonya (48:36.266)

And sometimes that is forced at you by a divorce, an illness, parents needing your help, child needing your help, something. And other times it's self-induced. 

 put yourself in a position to make a choice instead of being paralyzed by overwhelm and indecision.

Sonya (51:17.27)

Yes, absolutely.

Aransas Savas (51:18.936)

And ignorance, and I use ignorance in that very literal way, it's just not knowing. And there's no shame in that. But if we are stuck, the trick is to get information, to open our eyes. And I just did this with my finances. I was like, there's a bunch I don't actually know about my finances. And so I vaguely think I'd like them to be better, but what does that mean if I don't actually know what's there?

Sonya (51:28.054)

No, but it, but.

Sonya (51:35.359)

movement.

Sonya (51:45.854)

and you have, it's the same, it's the same, it's the same. Oh, we can continue another talk another time.

Aransas Savas (51:53.28)

How you do one thing is how you do everything. All right. So, so, Sonia, this is our 11th episode of the Uplifters podcast. Yay, something like 90% of podcasts never make it to episode 10, so I'm marking this occasion. 

Aransas Savas (52:18.312)

And for the last 10 episodes, we have done all the quick lightning round and asked people to share a way that they take care of themselves when they need an energy boost, a way that they take care of their community, and a way that they boost other women. We may come back to that. But for now, to mark this new decade in our podcast life, I want to introduce something new.

Aransas Savas (52:43.052)

which is a little moment of reflection. I talk a lot about the power of reflection. I've done a lot of research that shows that people who reflect regularly rate their life overall far happier. Every aspect of their life is more satisfying and more intentional, because they know themselves a little bit better. And one of the things... ..

Aransas Savas (53:04.324)

I think about a lot with this podcast is the podcast kind of to what we've been talking about are really great at triggering ideas and inspiration. I want to learn to knit. I want to sew. I want to figure out my finances. I want to go through those 5,000 pictures that my mother left me and know who she was. Awesome. Awesome. All all change starts with an idea with a bit of inspiration.

Sonya (53:27.126)

Do it!

Aransas Savas (53:34.768)

Not only is it meaningless without action, it's a big freaking hangover. So what we're gonna do every episode is I'm gonna ask you, guests, listeners, if you're not driving, maybe you're cleaning your house, maybe you're out for a run, just push pause on whatever else you're doing, whatever multitasking is happening. And I want to invite you for just these next 10 seconds to maybe close your eyes. And maybe to even put one hand on your heart and one hand on your gut. Maybe root your feet to the earth. And join Sonya and I.

Aransas Savas (54:22.152)

and just a few breaths and a few moments to just ask yourself.

Aransas Savas (54:30.756)

what this conversation means for you.

Aransas Savas (54:36.404)

What is it brought up in you that needs a bit of attention?

Aransas Savas (54:45.824)

What would be possible for you?

Aransas Savas (54:50.868)

if you were to take one tenuous, uncertain step into whatever it is that needs your attention next.

Aransas Savas (55:16.7)

You may not know the answers right away. That's cool. That's cool. Just like we started with inventory, just paying a little attention. So I'm gonna invite us every episode now to take just a couple of seconds quietly together to ask some questions, to ground this stuff so that we're not like every other podcast that's just bringing ideas and inspiration and not translating it into action and real attention.

Sonya (55:21.017)

It's totally fine. It will come.

Aransas Savas (55:44.232)

And so if this is something you need a little more time with, feel free, hit pause. We will still be here. We're not going anywhere. Go spend five minutes writing about this for yourself or talking to some other uplifter in your life about this because you've made an investment in yourself.

Aransas Savas (56:02.892)

just by listening to uplifters, listening to Sonia, hearing what she does. You've done this for you. And I think that to me is so important. And I'd be curious if we looked at the demographics of the folks who come to you and the uplifters, where we might see some intersections, because what I find in the women I work with is I work with the women who take care of everyone and everything.

Aransas Savas (56:29.66)

and the person that gets left behind and neglected is them.

Sonya (56:34.41)

Yeah. Guilty.

Aransas Savas (56:36.424)

And so this is it, yeah, right? Right, like as a business owner, as a mom of three, as a wife, oh my gosh, it's so hard. And so this is our time, Sonia. This is the moment where we take care of us a little bit too. Yeah. So, I'm gonna go ahead and turn this off. I'm gonna go ahead and turn this off.

Sonya (56:45.87)

Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.

Sonya (56:52.37)

A little bit. Yeah. And just, and it can't go from zero to everything. So it's like clawing back little pieces and letting go of others. Weeding so that you can, so you can make room for that plant. That's exactly. Thank you so much.

Aransas Savas (57:14.164)

Thank you. Here's to weeding our plants. Join us over at theuplifterspodcast.com. Share these stories with women you care about. But most of all, take them for you. Take a little moment to water your dreams. Let's keep rising higher together.

Sonya (57:37.608)

together.

To fill some empty train travel time one cold morning in January, Gina Hamadey wrote out a few Thank You notes that had been lingering on her to-do list. When she was finished, she felt something different than the usual satisfaction of crossing a task off of her list. She felt a sense of lightness that carried into her day.

So, she did it again the next day and the next. By January 31st, she’d written 31 notes and felt energized. She became curious about what would happen if she kept writing one note each day for a year. It sounded crazy, but as she started to think about the groups of people she’d reach out to: her neighbors, family, and friends; the store clerks who made her daily life warmer; the restauranteurs, servers, and chefs who made meals memorable; and people who had mentored and guided her in her life and career, she got so excited that she turned it into a plan to write 365 Thank You notes to people who were important to her. 

She started simply, but as she went along, she began to face and overcome big emotional obstacles by reaching out to people she’d lost touch with and people with whom the endings hadn’t been simple. In doing so, she healed fractured relationships, rekindled lost connections, deepened her sense of belonging, and even though the year didn’t mark any major life milestones, she looks back on it as one of the best years of her life. 

I thought Gina’s story would be a reflection on gratitude, but it turned out to be a how-to manual for something much more significant: connection. In my research, I’ve asked many thousands of people what it means to live a good life. Their answers boil down to three things: to be well physically and mentally, to leave a positive impact on the world, and to connect with other people. Gina’s story teaches us how small and simple acts can deepen our sense of connection, which can feel difficult to cultivate, especially in adulthood.

Aransas Savas (28:02.962) Your book is a challenge to all of us to look at where we feel a little craving for deeper connection, from our weakest to our strongest ties, and to reach out bravely and take action to strengthen those ties,

Gina Hamadey (28:36.58) We have more ties than we realize. If the prompt was to write 30 mentors or 30 neighbors, you might be surprised to find that you have those people there. It's just that some of those connections need fostering.

Aransas Savas (29:02.962) Yeah, just like anything that matters. My plants die if they don't get sunlight and water. My relationships wither without attention. 

Want to embark on your own gratitude journey? Gina offers some powerful prompts in our conversation, and offers this as a starting point: If you want to just write one gratitude letter, think of somebody who has meant a great deal in your life, but who isn’t aware of that impact, perhaps a teacher, role model, or mentor, and write to them letting them know of their impact on you.

While I truly love Gina’s focus on connection and gratitude, her book is most universal for the lessons it teaches on how to work through mental hurdles to accomplish our biggest, scariest goals. Here are a few that you'll hear in Gina’s story, that maybe you’ll want to add to your story too:

• Build a plan made up of actions that energize and excite you.

• Timebox it in small chunks.

• You are in charge, so if something feels boring or uninteresting, look for ways to make it more compelling.

• Build your muscles by starting with the most do-able and clear tasks first, and use...
  
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