#19 – If I had to Do it All Over Again

The Wendy M. Johnson Show

Do you want to know what I wish I had known if I could do it all over again? There are things I wish I had known—things that could have made healing less overwhelming and more hopeful. 

Accepting the Truth

I didn’t doubt my own memories. My family was bullying me to doubt myself. Now this was a big deal because I always doubted myself. I had extremely low self-worth and was insecure. I felt broken. But after being sober, and seeing the truth for the first time in my life, feeling robbed of my childhood, I wasn’t going to let them rob me of my own truth, my own memories that haunted me. 

I couldn’t doubt them if I wanted to. They came through, I saw my past, and started to understand why I had so heavily drank or did drugs at such a young age - to numb out those memories that kept pushing their way to the surface. Discovering the truth was something my family did not want me to talk about. 

Now, this is the part I want to talk to you about because it was at this time when I needed help. Real help. Help specific to my abuse. I had no idea where to get it.

What I would have done differently with the knowledge I have now is first get help immediately. Do not worry if it is okay to reach out for help. 

Now, what type of help? Don’t waste time trying anything but finding a therapist or coach or a place to go that specializes in sexual abuse. It’s that simple. You don’t go to a knee doctor if you have a problem with your eyes. You go to a specialist. Same with mental health. 

So to recap: what would I do differently? I would find help immediately and I would go where they specialize in sexual abuse or my type of trauma.

What I wish I was told. 

If I could go back, there are the messages I would have desperately wanted for someone to tell me during my most difficult moments. One is that healing is possible and that I can feel whole again [Listen to the podcast for more].

What I wish I had available to me.

I wish I had known the importance of having the right resources and support. Healing from sexual abuse is incredibly hard to do alone. I needed a guide to help me navigate the process, and eventually after a couple of years, I found a therapist who specialized in sexual abuse. I grew more with her help than through any other outlets. 

Here’s a glance at this episode…

- [5:36] But this truth, although horrible, those memories gave me some type of hope that I was the way I was because of them and maybe I could change that. 

- [8:11] If you have been sexually abused, get help. Do not make excuses such as this is a private matter. When I hear people say that-I hear a person who is stuck and will stay stuck until they reach out for help.

- [10:48] I would want someone to tell me that I am not damaged because of what happened to me. The abuse was something inflicted upon me, not a reflection of my worth or value as a person.

- [12:44] The stigma and blame that survivors often face can feel unbearable. I wish someone had told me that I would be okay, despite what society, my community, or even my family might project onto me.

- [17:28] I promised after I had raised my children that I would create a product that would help other survivors not waste precious time searching for help.

Isn’t it time you invest in the right resources to get you closer to being free from your past?

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and get ready for your next breakthrough with learning about what can save you time in your healing journey by accepting your truth, learning from the right messages, and finding the right resources to get you on the right path!

Click here to listen!

Rate, Review, and Follow me on Apple Podcasts

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow the podcast. I’m uploading new bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. 

Follow Now! 

What are boundaries and why are they so important, especially to survivors of sexual abuse? Why does your communication style matter when setting boundaries? How do you respond to others disbelief when you come forward? Learn how to assess how you set boundaries now and what needs to change in order to set healthy boundaries. Learn the tools you need to know how to set boundaries to those who do not have your best interest.

When you don’t know how to set boundaries you can be too trusting or share too much to people who are not supportive of your needs. On the other hand, holding your past inside for years or decades can impact you physically and mentally.

Not knowing how to assert you needs can make you feel like you are not in control of your life. Not knowing how to set boundaries can make you feel voiceless. 

Setting boundaries represents how you feel inside. When you set boundaries, you are demonstrating to yourself and to the world that you accept yourself, you value yourself, and believe that you deserve to be treated with respect.

In this episode, which is part II of the 2-part series on Boundaries, I define what boundaries are, help you assess your boundary style currently and give real-life examples of how to set boundaries to people in your life. I also have a bonus section in this episode where you can click the link to download called Assessing Your Boundaries form and the HEAL Setting Boundaries form.

Today, you’ll will hear about: 

7:23- Boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others.

9:30- Setting healthy personal boundaries … comes as you are getting stronger in the process of healing and from understanding your self-worth.

12:57- A friend is not a professional … and can make you feel misunderstood or … they may not know how to comfort you. Not because they don’t want to but because they are not familiar with how to address the information shared with them.

22:17- When you have been sexually abused, you can find yourself surrounded by boundary violating people.

25:08- Now Creating boundaries can cause a sense of guilt because you may feel that you are hurting someone’s feelings.

25:45- Boundaries define who you are as an individual. They outline your likes and dislikes and expose your weaknesses.

28:00- Setting and maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially in the face of disbelief and invalidation.

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and get ready for your next breakthrough learning how to set boundaries! 

Click here to listen!

Rate it, Review it, and Follow me on Apple Podcasts!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow the podcast. I’m uploading new bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. 

Follow Now! 

#17 – Why Setting Boundaries Is So Hard - Part I

The Wendy M. Johnson Show

Why is setting boundaries so hard and what barriers stop you from speaking up? Letting go of your ‘old roles,’ separating yourself from the abuse, and finding your true authentic self is vital to learning how to set boundaries.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone said something offensive to you and you did not know how to respond? And there was that awkward pause in the conversation.

Or maybe it happens to you a lot and you don’t know why. Well, get ready because this episode goes deep into what holds you back from setting boundaries and it’s not just about knowing the right words to say, it’s much deeper than that.

Let’s be honest, the thought of setting boundaries is uncomfortable for anyone, and especially for survivors. You might think it is so much easier not to say anything and continue to let others treat you horribly but actually that route takes so much more effort and diminishes your self-worth.

At the end of the day, people just want to feel they are respected in all their relationships, but why is it so hard, especially for survivors?

In this episode, which is part I of a 2-part series, I reveal what barriers stop you from setting boundaries, and dive deep into how the ‘roles’ you took on after the abuse affect you, how a victim identity can overshadow asserting your needs and why tapping into your authentic self helps you to set clear boundaries.

Today, you will hear about:

- [2:43] The boundaries we set or don’t set showcase the insecurities and strengths we feel.

- [8:32] If you blame yourself for the abuse then it is really hard to set boundaries … because you start to see yourself as the problem in arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings.

- [16:08] The Struggle with a victim identity is that as a survivor you can often internalize the role of a victim, … When you view yourself primarily through the lens of your victimization, it becomes challenging to assert your needs and limits.

- [20:38] …You will find setting boundaries to be more comfortable because you will have a healthier self-worth and that brings about self-respect and when you respect yourself, you will respect your needs and how to express them.

- [24:19] You can control how others treat you now as an adult by healing and restoring your self-worth.

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and get ready for your next breakthrough learning about why setting boundaries is so hard!

Click here to listen!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow the podcast. I’m uploading new bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. Follow Now!

Download:

HEAL® Setting Boundaries Form

#15 – Parents are Protectors for our Children

The Wendy M. Johnson Show

Parents are Protectors for our Children: Parents roles, past trauma risk factors and how to protect your children

Parents are our first line of defense to protect our children, yet their past trauma can be a risk factor in the way a person parents. Knowing what you can do to protect your children is crucial in stopping the cycle of sexual abuse.

Understanding the critical role of you as a parent in preventing abuse in your children’s life is such an important privilege.

The abusive “family belief system and environment where the abuse occurred has a role in the disruption of relationships of the adult survivor. Past trauma of sexual abuse along with other types of child maltreatment, neglect, and adversities create risk factors that disrupt a mother’s ability to comfort, nurture, care for, and protect her child…The risk factor includes understanding that sexual abuse can be passed forward into the next generation, as well as the belief system that sustains it.” (1)

As parent survivors, we are the number one defense to protecting our children. Do not let your own abuse cause the cycle to continue but let it be a catalyst to stopping it.

So, what can parents do to protect their children? Get the help you need for your own healing journey, get help to protect and prevent it from happening to your children and learn to communicate clearly with your children about what abuse is and how to report about it if it happens.

That’s what today’s episode is all about. So, take some ‘me’ time, put your headphones on and listen in private to a message that can help you learn what you can do to protect your children.

Here’s a glance at this episode…

- [4:00] Parents are our children’s number one protectors against abuse

- [5:56] When you are a survivor of sexual abuse your children can become a high risk for being abused.

- [12:32] One of the risk factors stemming from childhood sexual abuse is that re-victimization to women and their children, is likely to occur when mothers continue to have a relationship or contact with the perpetrator who sexually abused them

- [20:15] As a parent you need to be a communicator. A healthy communicator.

Take your healing seriously – the next generation is counting on it.

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and get ready for your next breakthrough with learning your role as a survivor parent, overcome sexual abuse risk factors, and learn how to protect your children!

Click here to listen!

Rate, Review, and Follow me on Apple Podcasts

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow the podcast. I’m uploading new bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. 

Follow Now!

#16 – Self-Acceptance and Self-Love

The Wendy M. Johnson Show

What self-acceptance and self-love is, why they are challenging for the survivor community and often overlooked, and how you can achieve them.

What is self-acceptance and self-love? It’s accepting all aspects of who you are and understanding your worth as a person.

Abuse creates a false narrative where you might feel flawed or that something is just inherently wrong with you. And this distorted self-view is a significant barrier to self-love and self-acceptance and reaching out for help to heal.

If you feel you are inherently flawed (and this is because of the abuse), then you believe you cannot change your circumstances and are stuck forever in this cycle of a distorted belief system. The reality is the only thing that is flawed – is your belief system because it is false.

Abuse is someone taking advantage of their power over another person not because their victim is flawed, it has to do with proximity and access to you as well as arrogance, power and manipulation.

So, if you are ready to embrace who you are without judgment, accept your imperfections, and experience a balanced and healthy regard for yourself, then this episode is for you.

That’s what today’s episode is all about. So, take some ‘me’ time, put your headphones on and listen in private to a message that can help you learn how you can experience self-acceptance and self-love.

Here’s a glance at this episode…

- [3:35] Self-acceptance is recognizing and ‘accepting’ all aspects of yourself, including your strengths, weaknesses, and everything in between.

- [6:48] Self-love can give you inner peace understanding your worth is not dependent on external validation or achievements.

- [9:57] The abuse creates a false narrative where you may feel you are to blame or are just inherently flawed… The reality is the only thing that is flawed – is your belief system because it is false.

- [20:43] Changing your mindset from self-rejection and self-hatred to self-acceptance and self-love takes work and practice.

Isn’t it time you learn how to love yourself?

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and get ready for your next breakthrough with learning about what self-acceptance and self-love are, why they are challenging for survivors, and how you can experience them!

Click here to listen!

Rate, Review, and Follow me on Apple Podcasts

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow the podcast. I’m uploading new bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. 

Follow Now!

#13 – Healing Styles: Knowing your learning style can help you break down barriers to healing.

The Wendy M. Johnson Show

Healing Styles: Knowing your learning style can help you break down barriers to healing.

Unsure of your healing style? Here’s what you need to know.

There’s a phrase that gets left out of the conversation regarding the healing journey that can hold you back.

The phrase I’m referring to is ‘healing style.’ Ok, I made up the phrase but the reason this is important to know is because at the entry point of healing, or starting up again, or if you feel stuck, knowing your learning style can serve you by helping you have a breakthrough.

But what is your healing style? It means in what way do you learn best?

If you believe healing is a personal and private matter, chances are going to a support group for community encouragement is not going to be a comfortable choice for you. Even the thought of a one-on-one therapist or coach is too overwhelming.

So, you don’t move forward thinking these are your only choices. But you desire to heal and learn and overcome. Your healing style might prefer reading a healing program or joining a self-study program so you can learn in your own private space.

It’s all about breaking down the barriers that are holding you back. Not knowing your healing style can be holding you back from progressing.

The question is what is your healing style?

And that’s what today’s episode is all about. Finding out your healing style can be the breakthrough you are looking for. So today, I’m going to walk you through different styles to help you find a way to make the process a little be easier for you.

This episode might be a catalyst to get you thinking about why you are not progressing and to help you move in a different direction. So pop in your earbuds and give it a listen!

Here’s a glance at this episode…

- [7:30] A ‘healing style’ refers to … approaches you find … comfortable for your …. recovery. When it comes to healing styles, I am talking about the best way you learn.

- [8:15] When the methods used in healing align with your personal style, healing feels safer… can lead to greater openness and vulnerability.

- [9:40] Identifying your healing style empowers you to take control over your recovery process.

- [10:47] By identifying your healing style, whether it be through reading, watching videos, engaging in community support, or one-on-one settings, the healing strategies can be tailored to fit your specific needs … which can accelerate the healing journey.

- [24:28] When you are involved in healing practices or programs that match your healing style or offer many different styles, you are more likely to stick with the program.

So, if you want to know the benefits of understanding your healing style, and the different types of healing styles you relate to and are ready to break down barriers holding you back, then this episode will help give you some ideas on what you can do.

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and get ready for your next breakthrough with learning your ‘healing style.’ 

Click here to listen!

Rate, Review, and Follow me on Apple Podcasts

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow the podcast. I’m uploading new bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. 

Follow Now!

Episode #14 - Roadblocks for Survivors: Stigmas, Backlash, and Judgement

The Wendy M. Johnson Show

Roadblocks for Survivors: Stigmas, Backlash, and Judgments

Stigmas, backlash, and judgment hold survivors’ captive from moving forward and overcoming their past.

Stigmas have been around since the beginning of time against a victim of sexual violence.

Globally, these attitudes and beliefs perpetuate victim-blaming narratives.

Does this sound familiar? ‘What were you wearing?’ ‘Were you drinking?’ ‘Why would you make up a lie like that?’ ‘I personally know this person; he would never do that.’

These questions or comments imply that the victim's behavior or choices somehow justify or invite the abuse, placing the blame on the survivor rather than the perpetrator.

The same response has been occurring for hundreds of years. When will society’s responses ever change? I believe, one healed survivor at a time.

Stigmas are a societal creation which means it can be changed. As more and more survivors do the work to heal and not stay bound to the effects of the abuse of their past we can change and demand the narrative to change.

Why would a person blame a child for their own abuse or TELL THEM they are lying? Why wouldn’t an adult investigate beyond asking the perpetrator if they did abuse the child – which of course the perpetrator will deny.

Society is ‘lazy’ and complicit when it comes to dealing with sexual abuse. They are so worried about ‘what other people will think if there is a perpetrator in their family’ then the effects it may have on the child brave enough to speak up!

Backlash is real. I was ostracized from my family after I refused a simple bribe from my mom to keep quiet and ‘make things go back to the way they were.’ When I refused, I was ostracized, as well as lies were told to my extended family and people my parents knew.

Judgment is a fear that can last a lifetime and stop a survivor from reaching out even to trained professionals or support networks.

So, what can you do about stigmas, backlash, and judgment? You need to be able to identify what they are and how they affect you and understand there are many ways you can tear down the societal walls that hold you back.

That’s what today’s episode is all about. So, as you are going for a walk, or working out, or just having some alone time, put your headphones on and listen in private to a message that can help you overcome these societal barriers.

Here’s a glance at this episode…

- [4:37] What is a Stigma?… “Stigma is a societal creation” that involves “stereotypes, prejudice, and discrimination.”

- [10:00] Self-stigma is the interpretation and internalization of negative stereotypes, which may cause negative emotional reactions, such as low-self-worth, poor self-belief, and failure to seek help

- [19:52] Backlash can manifest in various forms, such as threats, intimidation, blackmail, physical harm, or social and professional repercussions. Survivors may fear that speaking out could lead to further harm, loss of relationships, job security, or damage to their reputation.

- [34:17] Fear of being judged creates barriers to survivors coming forward and seeking support.

Take your healing seriously. Don’t find yourself in the same exact spot you are in today, next year.

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and get ready for your next breakthrough with learning how you can overcome stigmas, backlash, and judgment.

Click here to listen!

Rate, Review, and Follow me on Apple Podcasts

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow the podcast. I’m uploading new bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. 

Follow Now!

What are triggers, how they affect you and mastering how to overcome them.

Have you been battling with living with triggers for years or decades? Stuck not knowing how to overcome them or manage them or if it were even possible.

Well, look no further. I’m thrilled to share with you a whole episode on triggers and how to overcome them.

Triggers can be the biggest barriers that hold people back from getting the help they need. 

Does anyone like triggers? No.

But they are real, and the biggest misunderstanding is that they will never go away – that is false, because the trigger phase is a temporary phase of overwhelm which can be managed.

Triggers do not have to last a lifetime or decades. If you want your life back, you have to work for it, and you have to work hard.

Today’s podcast episode is to help you overcome and manage triggers so you can feel more in control of your life. You’ll hear about:

- [9:03] What triggers are and examples that include sounds, smells, sights, or emotions connected to the memory…

- [13:21] Why we use triggers…the brain doesn’t just record the trauma event but it also records the sounds, smells, touch, …

- [14:46] What the brain is trying to tell us through triggers…it is trying to protect us … but can become defective…

- [15:58] How triggers affect us…they can influence your emotions, your social interactions with family and friends and box you into a life…

- [20:55] Strategies to overcome triggers…with a therapist or without a therapist…

Needless to say, it is great news to know that you do not have to suffer from ‘triggers’ as you have been. There are answers and strategies! 🙌

And this episode, will help give you some ideas on what you can do. 😊

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and learn how to take control of your life and manage your triggers like a boss!

Click here to listen!

Rate, Review, and Follow me on Apple Podcasts

Follow Now!

#12: HEALing Unapologetically

The Wendy M. Johnson Show

The Desire to HEAL, The Decision to HEAL, and The Power to HEAL.

Can you imagine Healing Unapologetically and creating a new life story for yourself?

In this episode I will cover the desire to HEAL, the decision to HEAL, and the power to HEAL.

As a survivor of sexual abuse, what does your future look like? Are you in the same spot you have been in for years or do you see a better life?

I have met survivors who cannot image living a life where healthy relationships exist. They don’t trust anyone and don’t believe they heal.

But what about that ‘silent whisper’ in your heart that is yearning for change and recovery. That ‘silent whisper’ is desire. Desire, in a sense is the catalyst for healing propelling you towards actions and the best decisions that will lead you towards your path to wholeness.

What are some of your desires?

Having a clear focus on what you are trying to accomplish will help you make decisions that will move you closer towards that vision. Having a clear focus is crucial to healing unapologetically.

The power to heal is about reclaiming a sense of control in your life.

Today’s podcast episode is to help you understand how to HEAL Unapologetically. You’ll hear about:

- [2:46] At its core, desire signifies more than just longing and craving, it embodies a deep-seeded yearning for change and recovery.

- [4:53] Desire is more than a wish, it is a dynamic force, a declaration that you can shape your own future life.

- [8:53] The decision to HEAL unapologetically is about having a clear focus of what you want. The decision to HEAL unapologetically, at its core, is a decision to embrace change.

- [16:27] The Power to HEAL is rarely about grand gestures, rather it is the accumulation of small, consistent steps that gradually change your mindset and the actions you take and the decisions you make.

So, if you have the Desire to HEAL, want to make some Decisions to HEAL, and want to learn about the Power to HEAL unapologetically, creating your new life story, then this episode will help give you some ideas on what you can do. 👏

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and learn how to HEAL Unapologetically! 🎧

Click here to listen!

Rate, Review, and Follow me on Apple Podcasts

Follow Now!

#9: Avoidance

During my healing process there were certain parts of my past I wanted to avoid. Especially my memories. I would get overwhelmed and wake up with flashbacks or partial memories, knowing they wanted to emerge. 

Even with the help of a therapist who specialized in sexual abuse and a support group, I would find myself fearful of my memories coming forth. As I started to get further into healing, although I did not like the memories coming or the way they came, I wasn’t as afraid of them.

My memories did not just all of a sudden appear in my mind. No, they came at night and I would wake up shaken and afraid. I started to understand that I had stuffed them for so long, they leaked out when I least expected it, when I was asleep.

I called them night terrors. But I was able to learn how to handle it when they did come. I stopped stuffing them down and started to accept that I needed to see what I saw as a child. As an adult, I knew I needed to feel that I could nurture that younger version of myself.

So I continued to do the work. I continued to learn coping strategies. And as I continued, I found myself no longer in denial or suppressing or avoiding my memories. Then they just stopped.

I don’t know if this happens to everyone, but I saw what I needed to and went on to heal from my past.

Is this something you struggle with?

In this episode I educate you and talk about strategies you can use to help master your avoidance!

Today, you’ll hear about:

- [2:13] What avoidance is and if you continue to use them as an adult, without replacing them with new, healthy coping strategies, they can negatively affect your healing and growth.

- [2:37] Examples of avoidance include avoiding places associated with the abuse, substance abuse, the avoidance of triggers, … and suppression of memories …

- [12:49] Why do survivors employ these avoidance strategies? Too put it directly - it’s to avoid re-traumatization.

- [18:55] How avoidance affects you.

- [23:43] How to overcome avoidance include many ways…

Listen in and learn about what avoidance is and examples you may use in your life. Learn why people use avoidance tendencies and how they ‘really’ affect you, and how to overcome them. Yes, you do not have to avoid your past and live suspended in the past. I share many different strategies to replace them.

Click here to listen!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow the podcast. I’m adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. Follow Now!

Links mentioned in this episode:

https://healfromabuse.com/ultimateguide

Healfromabuse.com/membership/join