Think Queerly

A Living OUT Leadership Interview with Jeff Iovannone and Ken Gault

In this special "Pride" episode, we discuss the “Stonewall origin myth” and why the mainstream assumption that “gay liberation” started with Stonewall is both problematic and harmful.

According to Jeffry Iovannone, one of the two commentators on this episode,

“The danger of the Stonewall myth [...] lies in the fact that it has become not only one story LGBTQ people tell about themselves, but the story we tell about ourselves. Stonewall is not just a narrative, but a meta-narrative: a totalizing account regarded as a universal truth that excludes other narrative threads and possibilities.”Source

Ken Gault – our "Gay Elder" commentator this episode – was born in 1951 and has the lived experience of growing up in the time preceding the singular event known as the Stonewall riots. He remembers going out to the bars before 1969 and seeing people who were happy to be among others like themselves. Surprisingly, Gault didn’t hear about the riots until five years after the event. So what does that tell us about how Stonewall has been configured in our collective psyche as a “tipping point” in our LGBTQ history?

We move through history, not to discuss the events of Stonewall themselves, but to better understand all the other layers of history that have brought us to this point in time. We consider the origins of what we call Pride today, the examples of bravery, empathy, and the human strength of those who fought, gave care, and died during the AIDS crisis, what we have fought for over the past 50 years, the commodification and commercialization of LGBTQ Pride, the issues of privilege, visibility, the ignorance of history, and police at Pride.

Speaker Bios

For over 50 years, Ken Gault has been an active participant, observer and raconteur in the gay communities of Montreal, Baltimore and New York: the turmoil of the ’60s and Stonewall, the excesses of the 70s, the harsh realities of the 80s, miracles of the 90s. And this millennium: a new beginning or business as usual, political power or personal growth? Stay tuned, “GUncle” Ken explains it all for you. Follow Ken on Medium where he pens his “On This Day” series at Th-Ink Queerly and on Facebook.

Jeff Iovannone is an activist-scholar, writer, educator, and researcher from Buffalo, New York who holds a Ph.D. in American Studies and specializes in gender and LGBTQ studies. He is the creator of the blog Queer History for the People, a columnist for Th-Ink Queerly, a member of the Buffalo-Niagara LGBTQ History Project, and is a founding member of Body Liberated Buffalo, a volunteer-run activist and advocacy group that works for body liberation in Western New York. He first appeared on the Living OUT Podcast in, Jeffry Iovannone: Deconstructing the Ideal Gay Male Body – LOP077.

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References

Stonewall Was Not the Beginning of the Gay Rights MovementThe Participation of Uniformed Police at Toronto Pride in 2019 – LOP089Pride: Party, Protest, Or Both? – LOP004Pride: Should We Party, Protest Or Both?Gay Men and The New Way Forward by Raymond Rigoglioso

Image credit: yosoynuts

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Why Saying “I Can’t” or “No” Won’t Help Change Your Behaviour

Some time ago I was following up with a coaching client about his challenge of saying “Yes” to too many opportunities. He was getting bogged down in commitments which were distracting from what was most important in his life and career. He felt very uncomfortable saying "no" to someone who asked for his help or advice – which on the one hand is a compliment – but on the other hand, he needed to say “yes” to his own needs, before anyone else.

I’ve spoken about this before in the episode, Saying Yes to Everything Will Get You Nothing You Want – LOP068. I wrote,

Say YES to get your own needs met first. Say YES to what you love about yourself that makes you feel that you are enough. Find ways to say YES to yourself first, when others are used to you saying YES to what they want.

My client and I discussed how to deal with the short term discomfort of saying “no”, versus the long-term regret of saying “yes” to an opportunity or a request for help. It can feel easier and less emotional to say “yes” to someone; they won’t feel bad, upset, or disappointed – if that even bothers them at all. But if you commit to something you don’t want to do or don’t have enough time to do well, you will feel the pain of regret; of having not been able to bear the discomfort of saying, “no”.

Shortly after our exchange, I read a helpful article on the more successful outcome of saying, “I don’t” versus “I can’t” or “No”. In The Simple Neuroscience Of Saying No, Dax Moy explains why saying, “I don’t” is more powerful in the mind.

“I don’t” is a form of self-definition.

Saying, “No” is the other side of saying, “yes” and saying, “I can’t” potentiates self-judgement, weakness, limitation, and denial of something you still believe you want.

While this article is written about the choices you make for yourself, we can expand the use of, “I don’t” into social, academic, or work environments when you face the immediate pressure of someone asking you directly for your help or involvement.

In my client’s case, I suggested what we have previously discussed: know your schedule, your current commitments, and what matters most to you. With that knowledge, practice knowing and feeling what you “don’t do” or “don’t have time for”.

A mentioned in Moy’s article, simple is best. No detailed explanations are required. For example, “Hey Randal, I think you’d be a valuable addition to our board of directors. We just lost a member and we all want you to take her seat.” To which you could respond, “Thanks for thinking of me. I don’t have the time to help this year.” Then change the subject, perhaps asking about their next project or something that immediately deflects into another discussion.

To what have you been saying, "I can't" in your life? How different would that feel for you to instead declare what you “don’t” do?

Image credit: "Don't" by Paul Sableman

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Why Black Lives Matters was right: Uniformed Police have no place at Pride.

Imagine watching the Pride Parade on a gorgeous, sunny, summer day in Toronto, 2016. You’re smiling, laughing, and feeling part of something bigger than yourself, celebrating love and diversity marching down Yonge Street in Toronto.

Suddenly you hear whistles and a voice on a bull horn shouting demands. A group of people calling themselves Black Lives Matters (BLM) stops the entire Toronto Pride Parade by sitting down on the hot asphalt on Yonge Street, halting the parade for about 45 minutes.

Why did this happen and why does this matter?

Black Lives Matters had many demands that had to do with safety, diversity, representation, and inclusion. They were tired of waiting for Pride Toronto to make things better. Their biggest demand was for Pride Toronto to deny uniformed police to participate in the next year’s Pride – be that marching, being on a float, or having a table at the Pride Street Festival while in uniform.

This week, Doug Ford, the Premiere of Ontario stated that he will not attend Toronto Pride this year until uniformed officers are allowed to participate. The problem with this statement is based in Ford’s bias, prejudice, political posturing, and a complete lack of awareness of his privilege as a white, straight, rich man who has never suffered injustice for freely expressing his identity.

Today’s episode is not for those easily offended.

I hold nothing back, I’m highly critical, but more importantly, I get to the root of the problem and explain why it’s still important that uniformed police not be allowed to attend Toronto Pride – and what LGTBQ members of the police "force" can do to feel included at Pride.

Dive Deeper into this social justice issue:

Listen to the ON Point with host, Alex Pierson, in which she interviews Shaun Proulx: Premier Doug Ford will not attend the Toronto Pride parade.

Read this excellent opinion piece by Joey Viola, SOCIETY :: Black Lives Matter – Toronto Pride 2016

Correction

In the episode, I mistakenly state that Rob Ford always used the excuse that he would not attend Toronto Pride because of his annual Ford Nation BBQ. That was, in fact, held at a different time. Ford never attended Pride based on the excuse that he and his family would be at their cottage during Pride weekend.

Image credit: Tension by Loozrboy

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In the last episode, I mentioned I was considering changing the name of the Living OUT Podcast. I’m happy to say that Living OUT is the right name for my podcast.

This all has to do with my core message. I’m about challenging the status quo – both other people’s beliefs, as well as my own. I help people use their difference to make a difference. I want to help people Live Out the best of who they are, to live out their authentic self that they may only share with people they trust. Why should we hide the truth of who we are in the shadows. Live out, live proud, be who you are feely, bravely, and honestly!

The definition and etymology of the word, queer

queer (adj.)

c. 1500, "strange, peculiar, eccentric," from Scottish, perhaps from Low German (Brunswick dialect) queer "oblique, off-center," related to German quer "oblique, perverse, odd," from Old High German twerh "oblique," from PIE root terkw- "to twist."

queer (v.)

"to spoil, ruin," 1812, from queer (adj.). Related: Queered; queering. Earlier it meant "to puzzle, ridicule, cheat" (1790). – source

What these etymological definitions show is that being a consciously queer person is radically different from the status quo – or who the dominant hegemonic culture and patriarchy attempts to control.

I’m a strong defender of the words gay and queer to indicate identity and acceptance, not exclusion. We can use these words to loosely incorporate variation and we can use them to sharpen our focus. What matters is allowing the individual to choose how they wish to be labelled (if at all), to understand what these words mean in the larger semantic field, and to embrace/reclaim words others have used to harm and disenfranchise us.

Are We Not Homo?

Do you drink homo? Source

We are not a homogenous community, nor are we a single, cohesive one, quite thankfully, for that is our strength. This is why the word queer works so well, perhaps even better than LGBTQ (and similar), because there will always be someone missing from the acronym.

We give away our power if we try to fit into the expectations of the status quo. This restricts our authenticity and well-being. Stop putting emphasis on what others think of you, focus instead on living out what’s inside of you, your truth, and that is the best example of authenticity.

Queer Spirituality?

Ram Dass suggests in and episode of, “Be here and now”, that,

“The minute you define yourself as something, you're constantly manipulating the universe to reinforce the reality of that. I'm a beautiful woman. I'm an ageing man. Whatever it is."“Most people are carrying their history so heavily on their backs, their childhood abuse, their ethnic oppression, their something, that they can't come up for air. They're too busy being somebody the result of all that."

Can we peacefully coexist without ego-definition?

Looking at the world today you might think that we have all lost our way.

”My commitment must be to truth, not consistency."Ghandi

By conforming, trying to fit in, posting countless selfies online in search of external approval, we are seeking validation from the status quo. But queer thinking challenges that. Thinking queerly looks at difference as uniqueness, as the quality that defines the individual. The only way we can be fully realized individuals is to know our true nature.

This is exactly what the status quo is afraid of – our true nature.

Not dissimilar to religion I posted a tweet the other day, in which I wrote:

The purpose of religion is to de-individualize, thus giving power to the patriarchy, the priest, preacher, Rabbi, or religious zealot. If you allow people to think for themselves, they will reject religion and the person with all the power.

Religion is the most dangerous form of power when associated with the patriarchy.

It seeks to control minds, to limit free thinking, and to create a heard of sheep who group-think as they are told,

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One morning about four years ago I was feeling sorry for myself. I had been wallowing in self pity and I suddenly “woke up” and decided to journal about what I was feeling so that I could change my emotional state.

What was I feeling sorry about?

I was feeling sorry for myself that I was tired, emotionally drained, that I was working so hard, that I didn’t have enough money, and that I was about to make a shift in my business focus yet again. I was also incredibly sore from my workout the day before, taking a hot bath, too tired to get any work done that morning.

“Shouldn't that be a good thing?” I asked myself. “I’m working out! That should make me feel fantastic.” I've discovered a pattern about myself. Often when I have a strenuous workout, I'm a little bit cranky later that day and the next morning. Perhaps it's the way my body reacts to the increase in testosterone as a response to strength training, including how I physiologically respond to those chemical changes.

As often happens when I’m feeling sorry for myself, I was over-analyzing a client situation and considering future actions based on those worries. Then there was the discussion with a friend about a new business idea that felt precarious. When I added those things on top of each other, like a snowball rolling down a hill gathering momentum and size, I only felt worse.

But then I asked, “Why are you feeling sorry for yourself, Darren?” I realized the problem was my perception. I decided those events were somehow negative. From that awareness I decided to reframe my perspective.

Some of the situations were indeed challenging, especially the ones around making possibly changes to my business, wanting to have an impact, and my concerns about financial profitability and stability. My physical response to working out was another issue. I've seen the pattern many times before. The solution was to be prepared: to properly hydrate, get more recovery, and eat enough protein to help me feel better.

Is there a situation in your life where you constantly feel sorry for yourself?

The way to come out on the other side and feel better about your situation is to start by looking backwards. First, grab a pen and a piece of paper or your journal. Next, ask yourself the question, “What specifically am I feeling sorry about?”

Then look at events in your day so far. Perhaps go back in time to yesterday, or the last week. How did those events influenced your thinking? Do you feel positive or negative in relation to those situations?

Consider each event individually. Can you re-frame your emotional and intellectual responses and perceptions to each situation? How can you make each one a positive learning experience? If it's something you're struggling with, what can you learn from it?

Write down 1-2 action steps to change your thinking

Ask yourself, “What can I do, right now, that will make me feel better about this situation?” A gentle warning: this is not always easy. Finding the positive in situations can be challenging and sometimes downright daunting. This is also not about faking it – you need to find the truth of what’s good in the situation.

What I learned that morning about myself, was that my concerns are valid, but that they had been repeating unconsciously, and without thoughtful consideration. I made a list of actions, which included challenging myself to talk to new people as a way to expand my network and to discover their needs. I posted reminders in my work area to focus on finding the positive. I also prepared to better manage my mood and energy levels on days when I had a strenuous workout.

Take a moment, now, if you can, and consider what’s dragging you down, how you might be feeling sorry for yourself. How can you re-frame each situation to make it a positive learning experience? What single action can you take right now, to evolve?

Dive Deeper

How Journaling Helps You Create What You Want in Life – LOP023Your Re...

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Inside Out is a not-for-profit registered charity that exists to challenge attitudes and change lives through the promotion, production and exhibition of film made by and about lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans (LGBT) people of all ages, races and abilities.

For more than two decades, Inside Out has brought Toronto's LGBT community together in celebration of the best queer film from Canada and around the world.

In 1985, I saw my first “gay” film at TIFF (The Toronto International Film Festival), “No Sad Songs”, a Canada documentary film directed by Nik Sheehan. I had come out the year before, in the summer of 1984, not yet 18 years old, and months before AIDS got its name.

The film was billed as the first documentary film about the HIV/AIDS crisis, the film explored the LGBT community's early response to the issue through the personal testimony of Jim Black, a man with AIDS who died several months after the film's release, and Catherine Hunt, the sister of another person with AIDS (source). This was the start of my interest in LGBTQ representation in film, and LGBT film festivals.

In today's Living OUT episode, I speak with the Executive Director of Inside OUT, Andria Wilson. We discuss why the Inside Out LGBT film festival is relevant and still necessary, almost 35 years later in 2019.

Inside Out is committed to helping queer creators use their difference to make a difference.

Inside Out supports various community initiatives like New Visions, Pitch, Please!, the RE:Focus Fund, and in November 2018, Inside OUT launched an Online Resources Catalogue aimed at providing support for LGBTQ youth.

Inside Out Toronto LGBT Film Festival

The Festival runs from May 23 to June 2nd. To learn more about Inside OUT, what’s showing at this year’s festival (and watch trailers), or how to become a supporting member, go to https://www.insideout.ca.

Connect with Inside Out

Inside Out Toronto Festival: https://www.insideout.ca/torontofestival/Hashtag: #InsideOut19Twitter: @InsideOutTOInstagram: @insideoutfestivalFacebook: facebook.com/InsideOutFilmFestivalYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/InsideOutToronto

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Omar's story and his journey to Canada as a refugee

Imagine living in a country where, if you were found out to be gay by ISIS, you would be thrown off the tallest building around, while your family and friends were forced to watch.

This is the story of Omar and two of the people who have been part of a very long process to bring him safely to Canada. As part of Omar’s application process for Rainbow Refugee, he wrote,

“My name is Omar. I'm from Iraq and I'm gay. I left my family in Iraq and fled to Turkey in July 2014 to avoid dying at the hands of ISIS." - Omar's letter to Rainbow Refugee

Last year, one of my closet friends, Ron Walker, asked if I would be one of Omar's sponsor for him to come to Canada as a refugee, with the help of the Rainbow Refugee. Ron suggested that, as a gay coach, I would be an invaluable resource for Omar to begin his journey as a gay man in a place where he can actually pursue his true identity.

As we talk about the different parts of Omar’s life over the last five years it might seem like this was a quick and easy process. That is the furthest thing from the truth. Ron explains that the UNHCR process is long, arduous, and leaves the refugee as a non-person, without income or a way of supporting themselves in their temporary host-country.

Omar arrived in Canada as an official refugee on May 7th, 2019.

On Omar’s first weekend in Toronto, he celebrated his 31st birthday with many of the people who were instrumental in getting him out of Iraq and into Turkey, and eventually to Toronto, Canada. People came by airplane and car to greet Omar when he arrived at Toronto International Airport, and then to help him settle into his new life in Canada,

One of those individuals is Michael Failla who has made it one of his missions in life to help gay men safely escape countries like Iraq for being gay, as well as other lesbians and trans people who are persecuted and living in countries where they fear for their lives.

Omar’s story is a reminder of the freedoms and liberties we take for granted in North America, like for example the upcoming LGBTQ Pride in Toronto, which will be the very first Pride that Omar will attend. That's worth celebrating!

Refugee Resources

The Refugee Ministry: Metropolitan Community Church of TorontoRainbow Refugee: Helping LGBTQ+ refugees resettle in CanadaRainbow Railroad: Save a LGBTQI LifeCapital Rainbow Refugee: Raising Awareness for Sexual and Gender Minority RefugeesThe 519: From refugee settlement to counselling, The 519 serves the people of Toronto by supporting happy, fulfilling LGBTQ2S lives.UNHCR: The UN Refugee Agency

About Ron Walker

Ron is a retired lawyer who for many years has worked with charitable and non-governmental organizations seeking to improve the situation of individuals in developing countries. Ron lives in Toronto, Canada. He can be reached at [email protected].

About Michael Failla

In 2012 academy award winning documentarian Eva Orner was at a party in Hollywood and heard about Michael’s refugee work. She accompanied him on a trip to the middle east and in conjunction with World of Wonder made the documentary, “Out of Iraq.” The movie is a love story about two Iraqi soldiers who fall in love during the invasion of Iraq, their immense commitment to each other and their struggle to escape Iraq and become resettled in a safe country. Theirs is a story of two of the many refugees Michael has assisted.

Michael is currently assisting several LGBTQI people in difficult situations who are seeking resettlement. Due to the changes in the US administration he has shifted his focus to Canada and is working in concert with Canadian LGBTQI Refugee organizations to get those he is helping into Canada’s private sponsorship resettlement program.

Michael lives with his husband, Gary Hamer in Seattle, WA. He can be reached at [email protected].

Out of Iraq Trailer

https://youtu.be/uHM644btn3c

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Living OUT Leadership

Today we are speaking with Antoine Elhashem, the founder of the annual Inspire Awards which honours the most inspiring people, youth, businesses and organizations in the LGBTQ community in the Greater Toronto Area.

Antoine is quite the Renaissance man! He is founder and president of INSPIRE Awards. He is very active in the community and has volunteered for and sat on the board of directors of a number of community organizations. Antoine is the president and publisher of LGBTQ community media INspired Media Inc, which publishes The Pink Pages Directory, theBUZZ, and PInkPlayMags. Antoine is also the host of community talk show, On the Couch which airs in 6 regions across Ontario.

Antoine and I re-connected about two months ago. When I found out what he was up to, I was so inspired by what he’s created that I decided to help out and volunteer by soliciting donations for the silent auction. The INSPIRE Awards are a perfect example of what I call Living OUT Leadership and Antoine is indeed an inspiring force to be reckoned with!

What are the INSPIRE Awards?

INSPIRE Award is a not-for-profit organization with the mission of facilitating the annual awards and inspiring the community. The original founders of the INSPIRE Awards vouched to "inspire the community and bring it together; we will celebrate our past and present heroes so we never forget the work it took and still takes to build a community, and the contributions many make for the betterment of our own community and the world around us at large, and we will encourage living an inspiring life by creating future programs to that effect."

The Awards honours the LGBTQ community in the following categories:

Lifetime Achievement Awards (Two awarded annually)LGBTQ Person of the YearLGBTQ Youth of the YearLGBTQ Positive Business of the YearInspiring Community Organization of the YearLUX Award for the ArtsCharles Roy Award for Activism in HIV/AIDSAccenture LGBTQ Innovator of the Year

Get Your Tickets to the INSPIRE Awards

If you live in or near the Greater Toronto Area, this is an event you don’t want to miss. Let me know if you’re coming because I’ll be there and would love to meet you!

General Admission INCLUDES Courtyard Cocktail Reception with hors d'oeuvres, Gala Awards Presentations and Afterparty $40.00.

VIP Package INCLUDES Patron Status, front row seating, VIP hors d'oeuvres service, 2 complimentary beverages, pre-show performer meet & greet, more. $100.00

Get details and purchase your tickets online for the 9th annual INSPIREawards.ca.

Take care of your community. Take care of one another. We don't see eye-to-eye on everything always, but that should not be a reason not to care and love and protect one another. Antoine Elhashem

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About twice a month I write a newsletter to share and promote the queer thought leadership that’s published on my magazine, Th-Ink Queerly on Medium. The day after I published, Normate Gays, an LGBTQ Canadian Coin, and the Importance of Inconvenience I received a response to the newsletter. The offended party wrote:

“Take me off your mailing list please. I will not be called queer, it is offensive and disgusting. Besides half the weird shit I read from you makes me very very angry. You've absolutely lost the plot...you people make me not want to be gay... funny isn't it, it's the gay community that makes me feel like this.”

No one can make you feel the way you feel.

I cannot make you angry. A politician cannot make you angry. A friend or your partner cannot make you happy. Only you can choose your feelings based on behaviours and beliefs. Seeing the truth of this requires self-compassion and mindfulness.

When your partner strokes your hair looking into your eyes with love, you can ignore them and feel nothing, or you can melt slowly into their eyes, appreciating the experience of tenderness and intimacy.

When someone writes an angry tweet, post, or makes a negative comment, you can ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist. You can respond with probing questions in an attempt to dialogue. Or you can react with anger and shout back, or write expletives in retaliation.

It is our choice how we respond.

It is admittedly difficult to control our reactions that are based on unconscious behaviours learned and patterned over many years. Many of these behaviours are meant to protect us from harm. It is a mindfulness practice that helps us slip into the gap – that moment of no time and no thought – which allows us that meditative pause to override the ego’s need to defend or flee, and to choose a more tempered response.

You know you are making a difference when you people push back.

You know you’re disrupting the status quo to a large extent, that when someone is so “shook" out of their protective “box" they can't click "unsubscribe”. Instead, they have to first lash out in an attempt to make you feel bad, to shame you for your ideas, to prove that you’re wrong.

It's easier to close your eyes, cover your ears, and say nothing about what’s wrong in the world. It takes massive amounts of courage and an ever-thickening skin to risk offending – not for the sake of offence, but for the sake of disrupting people from out of the fog most of us live in.

This is not to sound trite, dismissive, or better than. I did not respond as effectively as I would have liked to the above person. I treated him with as much kindness as I could, but I also challenged him each time he came back at me with another jab, more bullying, and more shaming of my work. According to him, I alone am the one person in the world who is destroying the world for gays.

This person taught me a lesson. He showed me the man box culture at work, exactly as Mark Greene described it to me in our Living OUT Leadership interview. Thanks to this serendipity, I’m reminded that I'm on the right path.

Challenging people’s beliefs it’s not an easy path.

Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I think no one cares, or that no one is listening. That’s not because I need followers or want attention. I don't want to win people over. To me, that's competition and a numbers game.

Instead, I want to change minds. I want to help people think differently. I want to help my LGBTQ friends to use their difference to make a difference. I want people to engage in dialogue, even if that ends without an agreement, but with respect for each other’s value. That is where evolutionary change will happen – not through personal attacks, shaming, or bullying. Given how many people “communicate” in this way isn’t a reason to give up. I will continue to trudge through the obstacles in my way to get to the clearing of minds on the other side.

I push buttons.

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Mark Greene is an Emmy Winning animator, author, speaker, parent and Senior Editor at The Good Men Project.

He is the founder of Remaking Manhood, a Facebook community promoting a wider-ranging conversation about masculinity. Mark’s articles on masculinity have been shared half a million times on social media with 20 million page views. He has written and spoken about men’s issues at Salon, Shriver Report, Huffington Post, HLN, BBC, and the New York Times.

He’s the author of The Little #MeToo Book for Men and Remaking Manhood, and the co-author along with Dr. Saliha Bava, of The Relational Book for Parenting.

In this Living OUT Leadership Interview we cover a broad range of topics that relate to the problems of masculinity and man box culture, the patriarchy, bullying, silencing, and policing gender.

The Man Box and #MeToo for Men

Mark explains where the term, “man box” came from and how he defines “masculinity”. Men have been taught to suppress, deny and take for granted their masculine identities. Men are taught from an early age, as young boys, to think in a certain way, including to not show their emotions, to be a leader, aggressive, dominant, sexually active, care and talk about sports, and to be a real man.

“Wrongly gendering the universal capacity for human connection as feminine and then coaching boys to see feminine as less is how we block our sons from the trial and error process of growing their powerful relational capacities, leading to a lifetime of isolation.”

The challenge with man box culture is that it is brutally enforced between men.

It abuses boys and men to conform to restrictive ideas for decades over the course of men’s lives that has a traumatic impact on men’s emotional state, sense of identity, the performance of masculinity, and connection with others. These are all crucial aspect in whether men can or cannot form relationships at all, and is one of the reasons for the increase in social isolation and loneliness of men.

Bullying as a form of control and reinforcing the hierarchy

What are the effects of bullying on men – on the person being bullied, and the bully himself?

“In what is clearly representative of the isolating impact of man box culture, boys entering late adolescence are shamed and bullied into seeing their close authentic connection with their best friend as weak (feminine). Accordingly, they slowly disengage from their closest friendships. It is at this time that suicide rates for boys rise, becoming four times the rate for girls.”

The cruel fact of man box culture

Greene explains that we all knew the script. We were all taught the script. We had to denigrate women and LGBT people in order to be allowed to not be a target and to fit in. The kids and boys in our community who were awkward, with disabilities, or couldn’t pull off the appearance of masculinity became permanent targets. A culture of dominance, hierarchy and abuse needs a permanent population of targets, namely women, LGBT people, and boys who don’t fit in.

Empathy: Not the kind of courage men are taught to present

We beat out of young boys empathy, connecting across difference, and caregiving. Then we shame them if they exhibit those tendencies.

“The list of central relational capacities that man box culture suppresses includes empathy. The suppression of boys’ and men’s empathy is no accident. It is the suppression of empathy that makes a culture of ruthless competition, bullying and codified inequality possible. It is in the absence of empathy that men fail to see women’s equality and many other social issues for what they are: simple and easily enacted moral imperatives.”

Policing gender performance: LGBTQ

In the world of gay men, we often see self-identified, straight-acting gay men who may use terms on dating apps like, “Masc4masc, looking for other “dudes”, and “no femmes”. The word straight-acting is an ironic misnomer: those claiming it are in fac...

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