Think Queerly

Last week I was invited to speak with the students of my colleague, Jeffry Iovannone, in his class, Foundations of Social Justice, about the issues of sexism, masculinity, and the negative, angry responses to Gillette’s recent ad campaign, “The Best Men Can Be”.

The class was asked to review my episode, Authentic Masculinity Is The Best A Man Can Get – LOP052, in which I deconstruct not only the ad, but the problematic responses from people like Piers Morgan and James Woods.

We were discussing ways to get to the root of the problem, i.e. where does misguided, toxic masculinity, and similar forms of hatred come from. I suggested that we need to recognize at the basest of levels, ignorance is the core problem.

Ignorance in this sense is based on a lack of relevant education, or a life lived under the dogma of an ideology – a religion or a social/political structure where the messages taught about humanity are hegemonic and patriarchal; the only message taught is a reinforced binary – a biblical status quo.

The Dalai Lama speaks to the ideas I shared with the students of Jeff’s class – that we need to bring people out of ignorance to help them cross the bridge towards us:

“The ultimate source of a happy life is warmheartedness. Even animals display some sense of compassion. When it comes to human beings, compassion can be combined with intelligence. Through the application of reason, compassion can be extended to all 7 billion human beings. Destructive emotions are related to ignorance, while compassion is helpful and related to intelligence. Consequently, it can be taught and learned.”

Dalai Lama

There is something else we need to do in the face of pushback, anger, and rage in the extreme as a response to societal change and challenging social norms:

Those of us with higher "emotional intelligence" (and that does not mean "better than") need to demonstrate vulnerability and have the courage to face this backlash head on with kindness.

I spoke about this in the episode, Why We Need to Engage Critics and Defuse Outrage – LOP051.

We need to help those who do not understand, those who are "ignorant", take the first step across the bridge of understanding. If we take that step for them, they will most likely take a step back, or push back against us.

This is the work I am doing, something I'm teaching myself and practicing. It's something I realize I need to teach others, more broadly and more quickly, because this is the change I want to see in the world.

In the episode, What Are the Qualities of Gay Leadership? LOP065, I shared my thoughts about evolutionary leadership for gay men, and what I termed,

The essentials of leadership are demonstrated in the following ways:

1. Don’t lead others directly. Lead by example. In other words, lead yourself with the utmost integrity, authenticity, and transparency, as if everyone is watching – even when no one is.
2. Give people a philosophy. Give people better ways to think and ways to think more critically. Help people think in a way for the betterment of all humanity; to create a transformational, evolutionary change that impacts the world.

Not leading others directly allows them to see you for your authentic leadership and to follow by example. It’s gentle and allow others to come towards what you stand for.

Giving people a philosophy is how we lead people out of ignorance. The person pushing back, wants to live, wants their rights and freedoms too. To help them see you have the right to the same rights, and why that’s so vital to humanity, will be the change in them that will impact others in their circle of influence.

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Last week I was listening to Jonathan Van Ness’ podcast, Getting Curious (whom many of you might know from the Netflix show, Queer Eye). The episode, What is Toxic Stress & Why is She So Bad?, featured Dr. Caroline Leaf who’s a cognitive neuroscientist with a PhD in Communication Pathology and a BSc in Logopedics and Audiology, specializing in metacognitive and cognitive neuropsychology.

Leaf describes how negative thinking – especially the same negative thought repeated over time – creates a toxic stress. For example, if you always criticize and judge your body every time you see it in the mirror, that negative thought creates “bad wiring” in your brain that affects the health of your body.

As an example, last year I began to feel physically tired and almost ill whenever I received a homophobia or hateful comment on my Medium publication, Th-Ink Queerly. The anger began to negatively affect my health and my relationship. In my emotionally frustrated state my creativity was completely blocked, which is the essence of my livelihood. I knew I had to change, because the situation itself wasn’t going to change

The Importance of Being the Witness.

How to observe your behaviour by “standing back” and learning how to change what you're feeling. Things that help with this process include regular meditation, becoming aware of your triggers, and practicing noticing. You can take this to another level by asking for help in the form of an “awareness buddy” or working with a coach.

How can we think in ways that make for a physiologically healthy brain?

You Think, You Feel, You Choose.

You can't suppress an emotion like grief or anger. It doesn't go away. Instead, you need to acknowledge and express the emotion to deal with it over time. Yet you can re-wire your brain, even if you’ve been stuck in a pattern of negative thinking for a long time. Your brain and your thoughts are not who you are, and just like a habit, it takes time and consistency of practice to create new and healthier ways of thinking.

Leaf’s 5-Step Process to “Switch on your Brain”

1. Awareness
2. Deep analytical thinking.
3. Write it down
4. Edit
5. Action

References

• How to Let Go of Being Right to Be Who You Are – LOP018
• Why the Stories of Your Past Are Not Who You Are – LOP020
• How Journaling Helps You Create What You Want in Life – LOP023
• Is Forgiveness of Homophobia a Gay Male Gift? LOP030
• How to Manifest Your Dreams When They Seem Impossible – LOP045
• If Fear Is the Mind Killer What Is Its Opposite? LOP046
• What Holds You Back vs What Do You Want More? LOP062
• Being At Ease With Yourself – LOP067
• Your Relationship with Your Mind (the Ego) and the Other

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”How long should you try? Until." – Jim Rohn

Jim Rohn never fails to say so much with so few words. What will it take for you to achieve your goals, be it your health, your business, or personal goals?

But what if your goals involve LGBTQ equality, human rights, and absolute freedom from oppression and bigotry of any kind?

It takes willpower, clarity of vision, determination, steadfastness, the ability to pick yourself right back up and continue when you "fall back", and finally, faith.

Yes, faith, but I am not talking about religion or faith in a higher power.

Instead I'm talking about faith as an unwavering belief that you will succeed, even if the goal seems inconceivable. The kind of faith that supports you when you don't know how to take the next step - you just do it anyway.

How do you quantify faith? You can't. There is no measure for faith - you have it or you don't. But it's the quality of your faith that matters. You feed your faith with frequency and quality of practice, i.e. how often you take one more step on the path towards your goal. Your faith is your own, and no one can challenge it except you.

I know this might be too metaphorical for some. So be it. When you are ready, you are ready. And when you are ready, you will make it happen.

How often do you heard self-defeating statements from people around you like,

• "I can't do it alone."
• "I don't know what to do to make a difference."
• "That would be too hard to organize."
• "Someone else will do it. "
• "I don't have enough time to get involved."

Every single one of those statements is a horrible excuse.

When we make statements like the above we defeat ourselves - we defeat who we can become, who we are meant to be. We allow those, against whom we are fighting, to win. Heteronormative patriarchy is like a fortified wall surrounding a city. All we have at our disposal to bring down the wall are our words, our actions, our visibility, and our bare hands.

The quality of your faith will determine how often you make excuses versus how often you take action to improve yourself and the world.

Evolution Versus Revolution

Revolution is about change and is very different from evolution. Just as change and personal growth are two very different things. You can change any part of your life, but change alone might not lead to improvement. Personal growth is about the evolution of the self.

When we seek to change the world for the better, a revolution will fall short of what we want and need. A revolution is seeking to create change, but to what end? By replacing one leader or one government with another? By enacting or striking down a law that translates into better lives for LGBTQ peoples?

If all we do is change something, someone else can come along and change it back, or make it worse. The United States witnessed eight years of improvement under the Obama Administration that bettered the lives, rights, and equality for LGBTQ people.

One simple change in government and much of what was changed for the better, is being taken away by Trump and the GOP.

Evolution is about change for the better.

You become something much more than you were before. It's not about changing clothes, jobs, or your home. This is about evolutionary transformation. The seed becomes a flower. The child becomes an adult. The caterpillar becomes the butterfly. These are visible, evolutionary changes we can observe over time and the type of change that does not go backwards.

Time is what it will take for people to evolve.

This is why we need faith to keep up our energy. We need to support one another so we can work together to make the kind of evolutionary change needed in this world where difference isn't perceived as a threat, where financial greed doesn't corrupt basic human decency and respect for human lives, and where religious ideologies no longer exist to reinforce exclusion, bigotry, oppression, murder, heteronormativity, and fanaticism.

Have faith and get passionate about your rights and freedoms.

Make a plan to take action. If you don't know what to do, ask for help. I don't have all the answers, but that’s why I publish my magazine, Th-Ink Queerly to provide a space for LGBTQ+ people to share their passion for improving humanity and eliminating prejudice. What I do on the Living OUT Podcast is to empathetically provoke critical thinking about what we perceive as “normal” to help create evolutionary change in the world. 

Evolution is a seed waiting to be planted. You have to have faith that the seed will take root, but you also have to water and feed it.

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Are you a “Yes-person”, someone who says yes to everything, because you think if you don’t, people might not like or respect you?

If you’re a gay man, did you start saying YES to everyone as a way to deflect attention from who you are? As a way to stay hidden in the closet?

Perhaps saying yes became a habit. You said yes more and more, keeping friends and family happy, to such an extend that they didn’t need to know anything more about you. Everyone knew you were the person they could rely on, which made you feel worthy and accepted – just not for who you really were, authentically as a gay man. Instead, you were accepted as the “great guy” who “takes care of everything”. In short you became accepted for your actions, not for who you are.

But how do you say YES to the opportunity that serves you best, in the moment, now?

Can you say YES to rest and taking care of you first, before saying YES to something when you’re tired?

Can you say YES to a request, when in fact you’re actually saying NO? In other words, play a trick in your mind. Allow yourself to say YES to saying NO.

Say YES to get your own needs met first. Say YES to what you love about yourself that makes you feel that you are enough. Find ways to say YES to yourself first, when others are used to you saying YES to what they want.

When you say YES to yourself, first, you establish boundaries that serve and protect your needs and identity.

Links

• The Best Little Boy in the World: The 25th Anniversary Edition of the Classic Memoir.

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“…from the standpoint of the ego, the universe is seen as the “other.” The ego concludes that this “other” is against it and, therefore, that I must struggle to survive.”

The Tao of Abundance, Laurence G. Boldt

Is your love life, career, or your life purpose a problem or are you at ease with who you are, and making the best of your life? Many clients come to me as a coach wanting to work on a creative endeavour. More often than not, there’s something much deeper and more profound to the reason they’ve chosen to work with me. It almost always has something to do with the ego.

It’s not that a client has ever come to me and said, “Hey Darren, you know I’m really challenged by my ego. It just keeps getting in the way and keeping me from getting what I want.” That would be an interesting conversation!

Ego is “I” or “me”. We first learn about the ego as babies when we are taught to recognize our name; to recognize “who we are” at the level of owning or identifying with our name. Our naming is when we first learn about ownership and possessions. How else do we come to understand that we are a “Darren” or a “Kathy”? We learn to own our name in contrast to, or in defence of everything “other”, everything that is outside of us and not who we are.

Another way of say that is, I identify as me, and what is not me is you, or something else – an other that I do not identify with or as.

Defence of the ego forces us to seek some construct to which we belong that demonstrates “otherness” as all that out there, against which we must defend ourselves. We seek to belong to a group of people, a family, a religion, a political movement, or an ideology that strengthens our ego identity and the need to “possess” that belief or self-perception.

What is the Opposite of the Ego?

Listen to today’s episode and find out how we can accept the ego for what it is without having to defend it at the expense of creating an “other”.

“I exist as I am. That is enough.” – Walt Whitman

“Ego is no longer ego when you know there is ego.” – Eckhart Tolle

Links Mentioned and More Thought Leadership

• Your Relationship with Your Mind (the Ego) and the Other
• Fear of the Other in Defence of the Ego – LOP059
• There Is No Space Between Us In The Gap – LOP053
• (Written version of the above) A Conscious Meditation on the Gap
• How to Discover Your True Purpose in Life – LOP044
• Celebrate When You Feel Stuck In Life: It Only Means One Thing
• How to Manifest Your Dreams When They Seem Impossible – LOP045
• When You Discover Your Purpose But Can’t Do Anything About It
• On a Meditative Walk in Nature This Is What I Experienced

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Baby, life's what you make it
Can't escape it
Baby, yesterday's favorite
Don't you hate it
Baby life's what you make it
Don't back date it
Baby, don't try to shade it
Beauty is naked
Baby, life's what you make it
Celebrate it
Anticipate it
Yesterday's faded
Nothing can change it
Life's what you make it

Life's What You Make It – Talk Talk

Last week I read in the news that the Mark Hollis, the lead singer from the 80’s band Talk Talk, had passed away at the age of 64.

Mark Hollis: reluctant pop star who redefined rock

There are so many bands from the 1980s that make me feel an immense nostalgia for my youth. I came out in 1984 after my last year of high school. For many of us, the defining music of our lives is what we listened to during our adolescence – potentially our most formative period of growth.

In the last few years too many of my musical heroes from the 80s, like David Bowie, George Michael, Pete Shelley, Whitney Houston, Prince, Lou Reed, and Mark Hollis of Talk Talk have passed away. Most of them are older than I am now, but usually not much more than about 10 years.

When the news informs me that one of my “heroes” has passed, it reminds me of what I have or have not accomplished. It makes me feel somewhat antsy, aware of my mortality and where I am in this present moment. I will often listen to their music for hours, some songs on repeat.

I loved Talk Talk. So many of their songs take me back in time with the wisdom of their lyrics. “Life's what you make it, don't backdate” is so apropos at this very moment. What I'm doing with my Living Out Leadership for gay men is potentially legacy work. That's not meant to sound like hubris. That's simply the awareness that it feels like everything has led to this moment; to this inspired work.

“The only real meaning in life is found in being who you are right now, without apologies.” – The Velvet Rage. Allan Downs

Truly, life is what you make of it.

Regrets, worries, and shame only hold you back. Fear of what might happen or potential failure blocks you from taking action. Sometimes we need a gentle reminder from a favourite poem, a ballad, or a pop song that life is about Living OUT the Best of Who You Are.

Life is about living in this moment now and taking action on what you want to make of your life.

https://youtu.be/upyrWwstEMY

Links

• David Bowie: An Unapologetically Authentic Queer Icon
• How to Discover Your True Purpose in Life – LOP044

Why the Stories of Your Past Are Not Who You Are – LOP020

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Possibly the most important and vital quality in a leader is honesty. I would also add the qualifiers, transparency and vulnerability.

If I were to ask you and a group of people from all walks of life, the question, “What is leadership?”, I could create a massive list of attributes. We could also select from the hundreds of thousands of leadership books and come up with the top 10 books on leadership. We could even create a list fo the top 10 books as recommended by the worlds top 10 leaders! Yet we would still have the space to develop a new style, a new mode, a new path of leadership.

But for this article I want to narrow down my focus to pull back the veil of my idea. I'm going to loosely term my explanations of the core essentials of leadership as “evolutionary” and “humanitarian”.

1. Don't lead others directly. Lead by example. In other words, lead yourself with the utmost integrity, authenticity, and transparency, as if everyone is watching – even when no one is.
2. Give people a philosophy. Give people better ways to think and ways to think more critically. Help people think in a way for the betterment of all humanity; to create a transformational, evolutionary change that impacts the world.

The qualities of leading and characteristics of a great leader.

What if we chose the path of influence, via the qualities of the 14 distinct gay male gifts (see Ray Rigoglioso's book, “Gay Men And The New Way Forward” and the resources listed below), for their capacity to lead the status quo in thinking outside the narrow confines of how they think that they're supposed to think?

While we could look at the qualities of a great leader through the lens of aspiring to leadership qualities alone – including the confluence of several qualities at one time – what of leadership when a gay man understands and embraces his unique gifts to lead? Not just in leading other gay men, but all of humanity? And what does that style of leadership look like, or is it simply a choice to manifest the embodiment of the unique gay male gifts?

Resources on The Distinct Gay Male Gifts:

• The Reluctance to Lead as Out Gay Men: Embracing Gay Spirit – LOP058
• Ray Rigoglioso, Gay Man of Wisdom – LOP048
• How Gay Men Imbue Culture With Beauty and Creativity – LOP042
• How My Parents Influenced My Gay Male Identity – LOP040
• Forgiveness and Acceptance of Internalized Homophobia – LOP039
• From Sissy Boys to Straight-Acting Gay Men
• Is Forgiveness of Homophobia a Gay Male Gift? LOP030

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Reading my Twitter feed last week, I read this knee-jerk reaction to people with beautiful bodies posting pictures of themselves on Instagram, AKA "Thirst Traps":

https://twitter.com/gaywonk/status/1098676404739289094

Putting all of Instagram and gay thirst traps into a single container only makes things worse. This is the path of blaming external circumstances and playing the victim, instead of taking ownership for the problem and coming up with creative solutions.

Modern Queer Liberation is about questioning, not blocking. Queer liberation seeks evolution, not revolution. It’s about influencing, not destroying. It’s about changing the dynamics of power by laying the truth to bare and daring to have evolutionary dialogue.

No one is to blame for gay thirst traps.

My take as a former health and fitness coach for 15 years and my observations of myself, how I was shunned then accepted in the gay community, then how I no longer cared about it. Read more in, What I Learned About Loving My Body Growing Up Gay

My book: 7 Beneath-the-Skin Thoughts For Gay Men to Love Their Body.

We live in an Information age that’s detrimental to our health.

The problem is exacerbated by how social media works to trigger or ping dopamine for addiction. The onus is on us to disconnect. We also give power to those people or accounts we repeatedly follow, engage with, or speak out against. If more news outlets refused to give Trump a platform, what do you think might happen?

Depictions of beauty changes over cultures and time

For example, in the gay community we have seen,

• the Marlboro man in the 70s;
• the smooth muscle men of the late 80s and 90s as a response to AIDS;
• Bears, Twinks and Gender tricksters

Know that the muscular male physique has been around since the Olympic games of Ancient Greece. A muscular physique, and the work to achieve it, is not a new endeavour. Also, as we age, we begin to understand beauty and our body in different ways. I write about this in, Today I Saw My Body in the Mirror and It’s Ageing

What do you value?

What’s most important to you? Do you value body diversity? Do you value good health? Do you value self-care? Do you value beauty?

When you know what your core values are, you can make better choices that serve you. For example, ask yourself, “Why am I following this account? Does it help or inspire me, or does it make me feel bad about myself? What behaviours am I practicing as a result? Learn more in my posts, What Holds You Back vs What Do You Want More? LOP062, and Your Relationship with Your Mind (the Ego) and the Other to help change the structure of your self-criticism.

If you need professional help, get help.

You are worth the investment in your self and in your health, to thrive in this world.

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Recently I asked a question in an LGBTQ Professionals Group on Facebook. Here’s what I posted:

I’m creating a small group mastermind for gay men to explore their unique and vital role in society, and to create meaningful, humanitarian change in the world.

Currently, I’m creating the structure and preparing content for the program. But there is one, vital question that will make all the difference in the direction I take. To know this I need your help. Feel free to provide as little or as much detail to the question below (and thank you in advance for your help!):

“What's the single biggest leadership challenge you face at work, or in your personal life, as a gay man?”

I received a large number of fascinating responses to my question. Not once did I get any leadership jargon. Instead the responses were about our shared humanity, how we want feel, how we want to be seen, heard, appreciated, and respected.

Not only did I discover a lot of what I expected – issues of defensiveness, fear of disclosure, discomfort with gay men deemed too out or flamboyant (or LGBTQ “radicals"), and some ignorance of history – I was impressed by kindness, insight, and concern for how we can improve the world.

How we can do better, how we can live out our unique and vital role in society as gay men – to lead others in creating a more balanced, evolved, and humane world – is my work as the Living OUT Leadership Coach.

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What’s the obstacle in your way? Is it someone, some event, or some thing?

In every instance the only thing in your way is you – it’s up to you to take the necessary steps that will allow you to pass through the obstacle in your way.

These are often the small things like habits or practices that are hard to break, because they have been with you for years, or decades.

So what’s mine? The App, Grindr. It’s such a smart app. It pushes all my buttons for excitement, potential pleasure, compliments, etc. But the app is not the problem, instead it’s my patterns of behaviour that come out when I use the app. What Grindr offers me is the compulsion to keep looking, to keep checking if someone new is available or hot. For so many reasons, the time I spend on the app isn’t bringing me what I want (within the limited confines of what I’m looking for).

I asked myself what I want to accomplish today. The answer that came to me would require a clear, calm, focused, and non-distracted state of mind. So long as Grindr was installed on my phone, good luck with that.

Don’t get me wrong, I get a lot of work done in my day, but It’s the much bigger goals, the ones associated with my life purpose that I’m not giving enough attention. The outcome of accomplishing those goals will be life-altering for me. Yet the self-belief, courage, and the vulnerability required to accomplish those goals is greater than I’ve ever faced. This is precisely the moment where a simple, seemingly innocuous peek into Grindr (who’s online right now?) holds me back.

It’s not because Grinder or sex is bad. It’s just that Grindr is my kryptonite. It sucks (if only!) my power of concentration and ability to sustain my focus in deep work, especially if I look at the app early in the day.

The way forward comes down to the simplest of questions: What do I want more? The answer should be as literal as possible to help me to see my choices for what they. To bring this point home, I asked myself,

Do I want to keep looking at pictures on Grindr, sending messages, getting annoyed, and wasting my most valuable morning creative time, or do I want make quicker progress on one of my most important projects and start bringing in more revenue to do more of the things I want to enjoy in life?

Kind of feel like a no-brainer, right?

If I were lying on my death-bed tomorrow, looking back at all the time I wasted, when I knew I could have been working on something that could change the world, I’d be inconsolable. I would feel that way, not because sex or grinder is bad, but because the only way I can control my addition to that app is to not use it.

Motivational speaker and activist, Price Ea asked, “What are you going to remember when you’re on your death-bed? Will you have any regrets?”

Everybody dies, but not everybody lives

We can all contribute something to the world to make it a better place. What starts first as a thought can manifest into the physical world as art, a service, a product, or a movement. If, like me, you’re a deep thinker, who can you share your ideas with, today?

Will you declare, today, that you will do things differently going forward?

If yes, what will you declare to do differently?

These are my declarations

In my work as the Living OUT Leadership Coach, I commit to helping gay men live out their unique and vital role in society: to lead others in creating a more evolved and humane world.

In my work as the founder of Th-Ink Queerly I will publish LGBTQ+ authors who demonstrate our necessary role in society. We will promote thoughtful dialogue that seeks to improve humanity and equal rights for all. We will critique the status quo — challenging rigid doctrines, heteronormativity, patriarchy, bigotry, and radicalized ideologies — and offer solutions to create a more loving and accepting world.

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