Think Queerly

When someone responds with a criticism or attack on my articles or podcast, that’s often a good sign. It means I’m pushing buttons and triggers.

Often the critic’s outrage is something they needs help with, but they are dealing with their challenge in a negative way. Other times they have a valid point to make, and it may be something I need to consider. So long as they are only criticizing the message and not the messenger, I’m willing to engage.

In Good Intentions Versus The Haters – LOP006 I made reference to three types of online aggression:

1. The lazy hater: meaningless, nonsensical, little to no argument, opinion, no discussion;
2. Angry and/or bigoted hater: racist, homophobic, etc, and;
3. The unforgiving hater: bitter, resentful, vile, vengeful, stalker, looking to take you down, defamatory, accusatory, out to destroy you and your reputation.

Anyone in the public eye risks exposing themselves through their craft. It hurts when someone criticizes who we are, our character, intelligence, and individual expression. This is the retaliation of a weak mind, of someone who needs to be right, of someone unwilling to take the same level of risk to express their own creativity to the world. It’s easier to be a critic than it is to create!

What in your experience would help you relate to another person's lived experience? How could you feel for them through your own stories and challenges? Those are questions I ask of myself when choosing to respond to negative criticism.

This is me.

Take it or leave it, I have chosen this platform to create dialogue. I am open to discussion, to growing, to learning what I don’t know, to realizing I was wrong. I’m a provocateur and a queer thinker. I’m here to challenge my listeners and readers. Sometimes I say things that are uncomfortable, but this is where the greatest potential for self-reflection and personal growth lives.

How do you respond to the online culture of outrage?

What is your strategy to defuse the online culture of aggression if someone attacks your viewpoint? Here is how I responded to an email sent to me by someone upset with one of my articles:

We could have a conversation about this topic. And that conversation starts with engaging in discussion. That is not what your email is about. I am open to people’s points of view if they can critique a point I have made and either offer something I don’t know, or explain why they believe something I have said is wrong.

Your email is an expression of anger, and I have to ask, where does this anger come from? Instead of saying, that you "thought it was hypocritical and bigoted against people you don't even know” (and by the way I know many straight-acting gay men), explain the hypocrisy. Is it possible that my strong sentiments have triggered something inside of you, and how you represent who you are?

It really sounds to me that you have more to say, or even discuss, but can you start from a place of asking?

Let’s all start from a place of asking; from seeking first to understand, before trying to be heard.

More on this topic:

• The Internalized Homophobia Of “Straight-Acting” Gay Men
• Forgiveness and Acceptance of Internalized Homophobia – LOP039
• From Sissy Boys to Straight-Acting Gay Men
• What Are We Striving For — As Individuals and as a Human Collective?

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It was 1999, Toronto, and the day after I broke up with my boyfriend, my former ex from Ottawa moved in with us. This would have made the perfect backstory for a gay version of “Three’s Company”. Only this time, two exes become friends after not speaking to each other for over a year. Within 24 hours they both suffer a break-up with their current partners, and wind up temporarily living together the day after. Can you imagine the drama?

So get comfy, pour yourself a cocktail, and listen to my humours yarn of a tale of two exes…

There is something to be said for the resilience of gay men, our gay male spirit, and how we will go out of our way to support each other in times of greatest need.

I'm not suggesting this is always perfect, but there is a bond with our chosen family – that many LGBTQ people choose to support and foster – that is often much stronger than one’s biological family.

The reason is simple. Many gay people have experienced rejection and shame for simply being who they are. They may have lost family, friends, a place to live, or their jobs.

In times like this, and what may seem like unforgiving despair, the only people who understand you – the best people you can turn to and lean on for support – are your gay brethren; your gay family.

When we do this as gay people, we set an example for others – for the status quo – that you can survive and thrive outside of traditional limits, norms, and restrictions. That you can live authentically and create your own family.

As I say at the end of my new book, “7 Beneath-the-Skin Thoughts For Gay Men to Love Their Body.”

Create your own ideals to live out the best of who you are.

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Many gay men, myself included, have at some point tried to improve their physical appearance to attract other men. They have felt that, in order to be accepted, they needed to change their body to fit certain norms and the expectations of others.

On one level there's nothing wrong with choosing to change the shape of your body. Taking good care of your body is a positive aspect of well-being. Maintaining your physical health improves longevity, helps control stress, improves sleep quality, and so on.

But if the only way you feel you can belong to the “larger gay male community”, and to “compete” for sex and love is to change your body to fit social norms, what then?

Over the weekend I finished writing a new and free book called, 7 Beneath-the-Skin Thoughts For Gay Men to Love Their Body. In the book I offer new ways of thinking to help gay men re-frame external reasons to change their body shape, or to conform to norms.

These new ways of thinking are designed to work together (and to reinforce each other), to help you come from a place of self-esteem and self-worth about your body, and to connect with what’s most important to you (your core values) as the reason for wanting and choosing to take action on improving your physical health.

Your body is only a physical shell. Most of us know as a fact that the more that you care for your body, the better your health and longevity. But your body is not your consciousness, your self-esteem, or your feelings. Your body is NOT your self-worth.

We are not our problems.

When you step back and look at yourself as a reflection of your thoughts, all you see is the physical manifestation of your body. This includes the clothes you're wearing and whatever environment you see around you. But none of that physical reality is who you are.

In the gay male community an emphasis is placed on certain body types to gain entry or to fit into sub-groups. There are twinks, twunks, muscle boys/men, bears, otters, leather men, dancers and athletes, and so on. Then there’s smooth vs. hairy, and young v.s old.

There is no accounting for taste, but many men feel excluded if they only use their body as a point of attraction, or a way to search for a mate using categories on Grindr, Scruff, or other “dating” apps. I will come back to the issue of attraction in a later “thought”.

The New Way of Thinking

Your physical body is a manifestation of your thoughts and actions. Your body is a product of your own creativity.

Download your free copy of my latest book, 7 Beneath-the-Skin Thoughts For Gay Men to Love Their Body.

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In today’s episode I speak with Raymond L. Rigoglioso, the founder and executive director of Gay Men of Wisdom (www.gaymenofwisdom.org) and author of Gay Men and The New Way Forward (Mond Press, 2015).

Through his book, Ray synthesized the body of literature that explores gay men’s nature and purpose and created a framework describing gay men’s 14 distinct gifts. I’ve spoken at length about a few of these gifts in previous episodes of the podcast, listed below.

What began as anger when Ray came out at 19 – as a human being to express his needs, wants and feelings – has turned into a creativity. According to Ray, anger is an energy that you can use for positive or negative ends. You can turn it inward or outwards. It can consume you, but if you channel it correctly, anger can do a lot of good if you channel it into something positive and thus creative.

Interview Highlights:

How we responded as gay men to the AIDS epidemic was an indication of a positive and creative response. Gay men embodied the authentic masculine traits of taking action, being bold, courageous, and taking risks like shutting down the New York Stock Exchange. The entire movement changed the FDA’s approval process for drugs, which facilitated the quick release of anti-virals.

But gay men also changed hearts and minds. Gay men and our allies created entire new systems of care. There was a lot of masculine energy that gay men channeled without violence. What’s interesting is that no one is surprised that we never did anything like bombings, nor did we shoot people up, yet we never reflect on this. It’s worth considering because this tells us a lot about who we are as gay men.

Ray asks us to consider three different levels of the masculine and feminine:

1. Personality traits: things that any human being can express. As a culture we tend to identify certain traits as masculine and others as feminine. Being bold, courageous, decisive, and a leader are generally considered masculine traits. Being collaborative, cooperative, sensitive, nurturing, and empathetic tend to be considered feminine.
2. External traits: the visual and auditory clues that tell you if someone is masculine or feminine. We all pick up on these cues. This includes tone of voice, how we speak, what we wear, posture, and how we walk.
3. Energy: this level is more difficult to describe but it shows up in how we express ourselves via our personality traits compared to others.

We pick up on all of the clues and cues that tell us someone else is gay – our “gaydar” – but we haven’t developed the language to describe these clues. This is what Ray has attempted to do with his program, Gay Men of Wisdom.

Magic happens when gay men gather with intention and purpose. When we remain open to each other and see who we truly are, we feel and step into a connection that defies language. Tribe is the only word that seems to define this “coming home”; that we are among our own. Tribe allows for an ecstatic communion and a continuity of our shared energy as gay men and how we express our role in society.

Ray’s work helps gay men recognize their magnificence. He wants to change the conversation gay men and society have about difference – to recognize that differences are gifts. This doesn’t just apply to gay men, this applies to all of humanity. If gay men develop a way to value our differences, we can give this gift to the rest of humanity so that we can better get along and belong together on this planet. Ray want to break down the linear hierarchy of difference and help people see difference as something that is circular.

Holding up the mirror to reflect back our gifts and to each other

About Ray

Ray brings to Gay Men of Wisdom an extensive background in fundraising and writing for nonprofit organizations. In 1989, just months after he came out, he co-founded the Danbury (Connecticut) Area Gay and Lesbian Youth Group and facilitated this group for a year. Ray lives with his husband in Hudson, New York.

Gay Men and The New Way Forward is available on Amazon for Kindle and in paperback.

Living OUT episodes on the distinct gay male gifts:

1. Forgiveness and Acceptance of Internalized Homophobia – LOP039
2. How My Parents Influenced My Gay Male Identity – LOP040
3. How Gay Men Imbue Culture With Beauty and Creativity – LOP042

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“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

How a word is used will affect the receiver in communication. Words can lift people up, but they can also hurt when they are intended to be prejudiced, demeaning, or hateful.

Should all words be free to use, or are some restricted to a certain group? Should we just get over it if someone uses a word we find offensive? Words are just words some will argue – usually those who have never been harmed by words, or who have power or privilege in some form.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

‘How can you tell me that the word I'm using is not a word I can use?’, some will ask. A word on its own is isolated in meaning, definition, and power – it lacks content and intention. However, effective communication is based on having a context with the intention of meaningful exchange.

For example, the word “faggot” has meant many things including a bundle of sticks, a bunch of wrapped herbs used to flavour a soup stock, and a derogatory term to call a man presumed to be gay. (Source)

But the meaning is entirely clear in, “You're a fucking faggot!" The intention behind that expression can have powerful, triggering, and damaging consequences.

How we understand each other is word-driven plus other modalities like tone, body language, and memes.

“Memes are habits, skills, songs, stories, or any other kind of information that is copied from person to person. Memes, like genes, are replicators. That is, they are information that is copied with variation and selection. Because only some of the variants survive, memes (and hence human cultures) evolve. Memes are copied by imitation, teaching and other methods, and they compete for space in our memories and for the chance to be copied again. Large groups of memes that are copied and passed on together are called co-adapted meme complexes, or memeplexes.” – Susan Blackmore

Here’s an example of a meme in the form or a popular song from the 80’s.

Due to the catchy guitar riffs and sing-along-lyrics, “Money For Nothing” by Dire Straights made it okay for heterosexuals (mostly men) to repeatedly sing (as if that was somehow less offensive) and thus condone the repeated use of the derogatory word, “faggot”. Had Dire Straights written the same lyrics about a Black Man and used the “N-word”, the song would never have received air-play, let alone get published.

"See the little faggot with the earring and the makeup. Yeah buddy that's his own hair. That little faggot got his own jet airplane. That little faggot he's a millionaire.”

How words create violence.

Have you ever heard a straight man say, “That guy is such a cocksucker”? His intention is meant to be an insult. He may not be indicating the other person is gay, but the phrase – the meme – is derogatory. It’s meant to indicate a lack of power, and a lack of status quo masculinity, to the point that the other man is being equated with a sissy, forced onto his knees in a subservient position to suck – most likely – another straight man’s cock.

Now why is it that women don’t demean other women by saying, “That bitch is such a carpet muncher”, or similar. Perhaps they do, but it’s certainly not a normative expression I’ve ever heard. This example of language use shows how our choice of words matter, for what our words intend to communicate, and what our word choices say about us and how we view the world.

Words used to reinforce hate can result in murder.

Matthew Shepard might be alive today if the men who killed him could have had an open dialogue about the words they used, the stories they heard, the memes they repeated, and how left unchecked, can lead to horrific violence. I’m sure there were many more issues going on in the lives of the two 21-year old men who brutally assaulted Shepard and left him for dead. But when we allow people to believe that words don’t matter, or that words don’t hurt, this is what can happen:

“Police say Shepard was beaten with the butt of a .357 Magnum pistol as they drove to a remote bluff east of town, where they tied Shepard to a buck fence and, as he pleaded for his life, bludgeoned him, stole his wallet and black patent-leather shoes and left him for dead. Some 18 hours later, UW freshman Aaron Kreifels took a spill on his mountain bike outside of town. Standing up, he saw what he thought was a scarecrow hanging on a fence — until he noticed the human hair. “I realized, ‘Oh, my God, it’s a person!’ ” recalls Kreifels. Hospitalized in Fort Collins, Colorado, Shepard died five days later from his head injuries.” – Source

We need to think before we speak

We need to consider and contemplate the impact of our word choices. We need to be ready to listen when others tell us that our words hurt or offend. It isn’t always a matter of right and wrong – sometimes there is misunderstanding in communication. Other times there is a clear intention to hurt. Given that language is how we communicate, we can chose division or we can chose harmony.

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The fewer fears we have the more open-minded and accepting we are of possibilities and variations in all aspects of life and humanity.

When we are afraid of the wrath of an imaginary being in the sky, we will be fearful of anything we are told is unacceptable, against god, or an action that will deny you entry to heaven.

Radical fundamentalism is one the more extreme forms of the fear of mortality. Believe, follow the rules, become born again, and whatever you do in this life will be forgiven in the afterlife. Ah, no worries, I’m already saved!

When we are afraid of the colour of someone’s skin, different than our own, we might also be afraid of the possibilities and variance of sexuality and gender.

When someone is intensely fearful (to the point of manic paranoia) of not having enough, they might take a country hostage, do backroom deals, manipulate data, tell lies, and have people killed so they can be the unchallenged supreme leader until death.

When you are afraid of yourself, you will be afraid of anyone who freely expresses their own potential.

When we do something out of fear it might not appear as fear to others.
It shows up in the form of someone being a bully, a homophobe, a racist, or a dictator.

The more we are afraid of, the less self-esteem we have — the less we are aware of our uniqueness and our identity. Fear is a trap, a kind of bondage that takes us outside of ourselves, seeking solace in the external world, by way of possessions, money, power, or dogma.

Peace is found deep within oneself and is one of the biggest slayers of fear. But peace is not the opposite of fear.

The opposite of fear is love without judgment or expectation.

The qualifiers “without judgment or expectation “ are important. This is not love for your child or your lover. This is a love that comes from empathy, a love that can make a positive difference in minimizing and defeating fear, in yourself and others.

It is not love to say, “The Bible teaches us to love the sinner but not the sin.” That’s not love, it’s hypocrisy. It’s a statement based in dogma, which is a form of control based on the fear of otherness.

Love without expectation or judgment sounds like this,

“You are different from me and I do not understand. Would you help me understand you, so I will be less afraid and not judge you for who you are?”

When the leaders of countries trade insults and threatening statements, they need to recognize that fear is the foundation of their conflict. Their pride, another form of fear, is the foundation of their mistrust and politicking.

There is a story told by Tony Robbins about Mikhail Gorbachev meeting with Ronald Reagan in Geneva in 1985. The meeting was going badly. Everyone was tense and argumentative. According to Robbins’ retelling of the story, Gorbachev remembers that,

What happened was that we were in this mad argument, worse and worse, going nowhere, all of a sudden this President Reagan stands up and says ‘this is not working’ with this weird look on this face and he says how about we start fresh? My name is Ron, may I call you Mikhail…. At that moment the world changed. He was no evil, he was no horrible [sic], he was such a nice man.

The problem with fear is that it is often controlled by our ancient brain to protect us and keep us comfortable. Without being aware of that, we can manufacture our own downfall.

Step far enough back to see your fears for what they are.

This is not always easy to do, and challenging in the heat of the moment. Personal space and time are needed to feel safe enough to breathe calmly and embrace one fear at a time.

When you first embrace a fear you are not accepting it. You are seeking to understand why you have been reacting and the elements that brought the fear to bare. The more you can feel love in the moment, without expectation or judgment, the more you will diminish the power a fear has held over you.

How can you this work for you?

How can you respond differently to someone’s homophobia, racism, bigotry, or bullying? Could you extend your hand to help them understand they are reacting out of and irrational fear, that they have nothing to be afraid of, that you — as a human being — are not their enemy?

The only enemy of love is fear.

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What went well for you? What were your wins, moments you were most proud of, goals that you accomplished, etc.? What did you struggled with and why? What lessons can be learned from your problems and what didn’t work out as planned?

This is the first step in my ADD Coaching Method (Assess, Dream, Design) which I’m using on myself (because I practice what I preach). “Self-Assessment” is a vital first step in before planning your goals for the new year. You want you discern the lessons from your wins prior to charting a new course.

Your wins and success confirm that you that you were on track with your purpose, values, and goals.

Note what structures and systems you implement that helped you accomplish those wins. As for failures or struggles, what does that tell you? Did you go off plan? Did you get distracted? Did you try something that you might need to learn more about next year, in order to complete that project or goal?

In the last episode I spoke on, How to Discover Your True Purpose in Life – LOP044. Your purpose or mission statement is part of the work we do in the Dream Stage of the ADD Method. I find it more powerful and intuitive to get clear on your purpose before dreaming three years into your future present.

Your purpose will inform your dream goals, acting like a frame around a landscape that you paint onto your canvas of possibility.

Your purpose will support your dreams – and subsequent goals – in a deeply meaningful way. If you come from your purpose – if you base you choice upon your personal foundations – you will not only create goals with “purpose”, you will feel naturally inspired, passionate, and motivated to do the work to accomplish those goals.

What happens though if you feel disconnected from your 3-year dream?

You may have felt connected and inspired when you first imagined your dream life – in the present tense – three years in the future. But after spending some time working on your goals you begin to feel stressed. You’re no longer certain and feel trapped. Or you feel that you won’t be able to accomplish your 3-year dream, let alone the goals you set for the year.

This exact situation happened to me earlier this year. I realized I was trying to design my future through a lens or a structure based in the present moment. In other words, to create something different than what I have now, I can't use the structures I’ve been using that got me to this point.

“Creativity improves upon ideas.” - David Deutsch

Listen to today’s episode to find out how to reconnect with your long-term dream and get back on track.

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Over the last few episodes of the Living OUT Podcast I’ve been discussing the unique gifts that gay men bring to the world. During this process I’ve discovered more about my true purpose – not in the sense that I didn’t know what it was, but as we evolve and learn more about who we are, our purpose may change concurrently.

With the coming new year, I’m taking myself through my own coaching process, the ADD Methodology. I’m spending time in the “Dream” stage because I’ve felt like I’ve been missing a clear definition of my so-called mission statement or true purpose in life. That’s what I will be sharing with you in today’s episode.

This morning I spent 45 minutes, uninterrupted, doing a life’s purpose exercise. After 30 iterations, I felt I had reached the truth. I took some time to think and feel for what the 31st iteration of my purpose meant to me. I began to feel a profound sense of calm and connection with how I expressed it. Here it is:

“Through my own self-exploration I seek the deepest understanding of myself so that I may help others understand who they are and why they do what they do, to take complete personal responsibility for their actions and how their choices impact the lives of others.”

1. Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
2. Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
3. Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
4. Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.

For the complete exercise, read How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutesby Steve Pavlina.

Do you want to create 2019 through a more critical lens and discover how to ADD your life? Let’s have a conversation about how to Asses, Dream, and live your life by Design.

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For many people, meeting your beloved's family for the first time can be nerve-racking. This is a rite of passage that most people experience for the first time in their teens or early 20s. This is a social and familial expectation of the heteronormative status quo.

But what if you experience meeting your boyfriend's / girlfriend's / partner's parents for the first time at 35 years old and as a gay man? That was the first time I experienced that right of passage with a former boyfriend. 

In today's episode I offer a testimonial and gratitude for my partner, Christiaan, and for his parents and siblings who welcomed me without expectation or judgment into their home, one Christmas Eve about six years ago. The unspoken message I received from his parents was this:

I was welcome as part of their family, because I was someone who was making their son happy, and because their son wanted me there. No other reason was necessary. No questions were raised about us as a gay couple or about our clear difference in ages.

I am grateful to Christiaan’s family for making feel that I belong and that I didn’t need to do anything to try to fit in. I could simply be me.

Living OUT theme music: “Summer” by Bensound.com

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As a gay man, when I tune into beauty I connect with the source that creates life. From that source comes my inspiration, that quality which allows me to create and bring value into the world.

Following in the steps of the exploration I began in, Is Forgiveness of Homophobia a Gay Male Gift? LOP030, today I discuss (in very sensual terms) the qualities and value that gay men bring to the betterment of society and culture.

According to Raymond L. Rigolisoso in, Gay Men and The New Way Forward, one of gay men’s 14 distinct gifts is a “fine attunement to beauty”, specifically that gay men are “creators and keepers of culture.”

At the extreme, intense love-making can be one of the most sensual experience we will ever have. Every one of our senses is activated to the max: sight, hearing, smell, taste, and sensation (or feeling). This overwhelm of the senses takes place outside of time and place, as every moment is felt in the moment and we are lost in sensation.

For many gay men, sex has been a way to define their identity – specifically having sex with another man. That sex may have been keep secret – the love that dare not speak its name – if that gay man wasn’t out, or uncomfortable with his identity.

This leads me to pose the question, “Where does this fine attunement to beauty, this need or desire to creatively express beauty in all its forms, come from for many gay men?”

The answer presents in four parts, with each part woven into the next:

• Sex (as part of sensuality)
• In-Sight
• Identity
• Self-Love (acceptance)

As gay men we invite humanity to let go of ego and ideologies and experience the sensuality of beauty, to recognize that beauty is natural – that beauty is found in the natural world, and that humans come from nature. Thus as gay men we express creatively what is only natural; what is truly normal.

A culture without gay men would be dry, dull, boring, lifeless, and devoid of complimentary colours! Enjoy the episode and prepare yourself for my discussion of sex and sensuality – baby, it gets a little HOT! :-)

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