Think Queerly

As a little boy I loved the classic Christmas cartoon, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. I must’ve watched it every Christmas as a child, then as a teenager, and almost every year since. Rudolph was my first queer role model and boy was he ever fierce!

Rudolph showed a strength of character at a young age. He was unafraid to venture into the unknown and make friends with outcasts and mis-fits just like him.

HuffPost tweeted,

https://twitter.com/HuffPost/status/1067972666622189568

What nonsense! Here’s why we can't jump to conclusions simply because one aspect of something larger appears problematic. We need to consider the entire message of the 1964 production within a larger societal and historical framework. We need to deconstruct Rudolph through a queer lens.

The "outrage" is an example of people jumping to conclusions without taking the time for critical thought.

The cartoon came out in 1964 and represents a solid document for the morals of the time. However, I believe there's a powerful message at work, one that promotes acceptance. This message is what people are missing when they only look at a single aspect of the cartoon: the masculine dominance and bulling presented by Santa and Donner, which was nothing short of "normal" in 1964.

The world model presented in the cartoon is not the ideal model for a progressive, fully accepting society. If people believe that Rudolph should not be aired, then by the same logic every Hollywood movie from before the 1950s should be banned for sexism and racism.

Listen to the complete episode to find out why Rudolph is an important role model for queers, and why it was such an inspiration in coming to terms with my sexuality.

Here’s the post I published last year on Th-Ink Queerly:, Why Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer Was My First Queer Hero.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Our earliest influences that form who we become as adults start with our parents. While I am certainly not saying that my parents made me gay; how I was raised absolutely influenced my identity as a gay male.

We believed everything they told us to be true. They were our first leaders. We learned how to develop and exhibit our masculine and feminine characteristics based on how they acted within their status-quo gender roles, and in relation to each other.

But how we grew from adolescence into adulthood was also influenced by other environmental factors like education, location, religion, financial stability, the quality of the relationship between our parents, whether we had a single-parent household, or another form of guardian, and so on.

Each of our parents had their own unique makeup and balance between the masculine and feminine that influenced who you grew up to be.

I wasn’t taught that I had the option to be straight or gay, or to act more masculine or feminine. It was never a subject of conversation in the sense that it simply did not exist in the consciousness of the time and place I grew up in. I was also never forced to have to act in a particular way either. Nor did I ever hear anything negative about homosexuality from parents.

Looking back, I grew up somewhere in the middle, precariously balancing the masculine and feminine characteristics and energy. This might have to do with how my parents respectively taught me equally the skills that were traditionally considered masculine and feminine. I learned everything about housework from my mother (cooking, cleaning, sewing) as well as empathy (she volunteered with the aged). My father taught me how to fix and build things (electrical, home repairs, fixing the car).

But what my parents never expected of me, was to play sports. My father never displayed an interest in sports, nor did we ever watch sports on television. This classic masculine trait in my father was non existent.

Listen to todays episode and discover how all this lead to my “becoming” as a balanced, gay man.

Further Reading and Listening:

• Forgiveness and Self-Acceptance of Internalized Homophobia – LOP039
• From Sissy Boys to Straight-Acting Gay Men – Forgiveness and Self-Acceptance Starts with Understanding Gay Shame

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Gay men can lead other people in a new model of forgiveness through their own self exploration of gay shame. We can evolve as men who understand and embrace the dichotomy of the masculine and feminine energies.

As gay men we may have struggled with forgiveness when we first came out. We had to learn to forgive ourselves for the lies people, society, and institutions told us – that we were abnormal, not good enough, broken, or a sinner in the eyes of god.

As adults we may struggle with accepting gender diversity, if we are unknowingly internalizing our own homophobia. The unanswered question is, “Do you have the self-worth to allow yourself to believe that you are good enough, and equal, after years of believing that you weren’t?”

This results in many gay men fearing the sissy, or the overly feminine male. They fear this aspect of being overly or overtly feminine, because they don't completely understand that this expression can be gift. They may take on the self-proclaimed label of “straight-acting” to stand as far away as possible from identifying with anything feminine.

Every single one of us manifest different degrees of the so-called masculine and feminine qualities. None of those qualities are inherently harmful or scary. None of those qualities take away one’s humanity, value, or worth. It’s people who chose to limit, control, and define others – not qualities.

Here are a few more posts that go deeper into the issues of homophobia and gay shame:

• The Internalized Homophobia Of “Straight-Acting” Gay Men
• How Gay Shame Limits Self-Worth and Personal Growth – LOP008
• Is Forgiveness of Homophobia a Gay Male Gift? LOP030

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You start with your thoughts.

It’s not about being mind-full, it’s about improving your mind-set. If your mind is full, there’s no room for new thoughts. If you re-organize and improve your sets of thoughts, behaviours, and beliefs, you will improve your mind!

But you can’t just think about these things in your head. You need to write them down. I talk about this in the episode, How Journaling Helps You Create What You Want in Life – LOP023.

https://darrenstehle.com/journaling-helps-accomplish-what-you-want-lop023/

Write for posterity. Write as a document of where you are now. Then start a new story. The story of how you want your life to be. Analyze your thoughts. Notice how you think. Notice how you react to certain situations. Observe without ego, attachment, or opinion.

Next, decide how you want to feel. The better and more alive the feeling, the more powerful your emotional response. This creates the potential of a pro-action— a proactive emotional response. By that I mean an action that serves your highest and greatest potential.

The oldest parts of our brain serve to protect and comfort us. These are useful, automatic tools. However, it’s helpful to understand how those unconscious actions and behaviours serve to protect, comfort, and keep us safe – and if they still serve our current needs.

When you recognize a behaviour that is not serving your current or desired needs and goals, you need to find out what’s blocking you. Only then can you take specific actions to counter that automatic behaviour.

Lasting change doesn’t happen overnight, but discovering the trigger that forces a blocking behaviour, creating a way to interrupt the old pattern, and consciously practicing a new pattern, will eventually lead to a positive transformation.

Want to go deeper and learn how to ADD to your life? How to assess, dream, and life your life by design?

Let’s explore the possibility of how coaching can add to the quality and productivity of your life. Head over to https://darrenstehle.com/coaching/ to book a Discovery Session with me

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Populism is on the rise in North America and elsewhere, but for the first time it seems like we’re beginning to see it’s negative effects in Canada, and specifically in Ontario where the Ontario PC Party won a majority election earlier this year.

At a recent annual party convention the ON PC Party voted on a resolution that to me is a prime example of the first real step backwards for human rights in Canada, and specifically the rights of transgender people – and by affect, all LGBTQ+ people, anyone who is considered “other” and not part of the status quo.

Read more about the resolution in the article I wrote for the Gay Guide Network, How to Fight Doug Ford and the Ontario PC Party as LGBTQ+

http://thegayguidenetwork.com/how-to-fight-doug-ford-and-the-ontario-pc-party-as-lgbtq/

Below is the quote I read from J.J. Belanger:

“I come from humane human rights, I put humane there, humane human rights. I have no regard for civil and legal rights, per se. To me it’s a waste of time and political activism, because they’re only pieces of paper. They can be rescinded and changed by a councilman, a councilwoman, a supervisor, a governor or a president. We have plenty of evidence of that. So I’m saying, if we don’t learn, to me, heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, ambisexual – these are sex acts, per se. They’re not a lifestyle. What we do in bed, per se, as individuals, is nobody’s business out there. But I’m saying, if we don’t address humane human rights we’re gonna lose the ballgame.”

From the Making Gay History Podcast.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“I’m stressed out!”

On a Saturday morning two years ago I was sitting in the bath reading, “Getting Things Done” by David Allen. Oh, right… that's relaxing!

I needed to relax, which is why I was taking a bath. I thought I would sink deep into the water and let go, except while reading my “relaxing book on productivity” I got an idea. I quickly grabbed my iPhone to dictate my idea and then got back to “trying to relax” in the bath.

Seeing a pattern here?

I was so distracted, I couldn’t even take a relaxing bath!

Are you distracted by various “options” that promise to do or make something better/easier in life – when doing it the way you’ve always done it, might be the most efficient?

An important question to ask yourself when you’re feeling distracted is,

“Where do I need to put my attention, right now, to accomplish…”

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's one of the biggest problems most of us face on a daily basis?

Overwhelm!

If you are struggling, stressed out, and overwhelmed there are three reasons:

1. There's too much stuff distracting your attention and ability to focus;
2. Information overload in the form of news feeds, emails, texts, websites, and all the technology you need in an attempt to manage all that information, and;
3. People. Yes, some people may be draining your energy and adding to your stress.

I know that you want to make progress, to get what you want, and to live out the best of who you are. But if you're always stressed, feel like you have no time, or like you're juggling too many things at once, then you won't have the time or energy to enjoy life.

There is a solution, one that will bring you peace of mind, clarity, and increased productivity. It’s called,

“Eliminate distractions, control information overload, spend more time doing what you love – and with whom you love.”

Get the Purging Process Program.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Purging will help you to let go of what’s holding you back in life, so that you can focus on what’s most important to you, and spend more of your time and energy working on what you want to accomplish in life.

It’s a process that helps to increase your,

1. Ability to focus, thus making better use of your time;
2. Personal motivation, and;
3. Physical and emotional energy

Sam Harris

Ultimately you want to prioritize your self-care first, then your quality relationships, and finally your work and productivity.

Many people spend too much time seeking meaning and validation from extrinsic motivators lead to more unhappiness and loneliness. This may show up as,

• excessive social media use
• comparing yourself to others
• the need for external validation
• mob think
• bullying and shouting online, etc.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Faith is passive – Trust is action oriented.

Faith is an expectation that what you can't prove is true, what will come to pass, or what you believe to be true without reason or logic. When you trust in the process, when you trust in yourself, you make decisions about what you're going to do to succeed.

Trust is present-moment looking towards the future past.

When you trust something will happen, you are anticipating it happening or having happened.

I can only hope that something happens, all the while trusting in my ability to take the necessary steps to manifest my hope (my goals and dreams) into reality.

Living OUT theme music: “Summer” by Bensound.com

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In the Western world we are constantly striving.

We are building things.

We are creating things.

We are solving the problems that we have created for ourselves.

We are trying to outperform others.

We are trying to create more than our neighbour, or to have more income than anyone else.

While some of us are working to achieve balance, others are doing everything possible to increase their net worth at the expense of humanity’s and the planet’s well-being.

What can YOU do in the face of striving at the expense of humanity?

Articles mentioned in the podcast:

• What Are We Striving For — As Individuals and as a Human Collective?
• Navigating Love, Sex, and a Mixed-Orientation Marriage

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.