Think Queerly

The expression of human sexuality, and the freedom to have sex with whomever we desire, was a defining quality in the early gay-rights movement, pre-AIDS. How things have changed, and yet, how some things have become worse.

In the queer community, Sex Panic!, was a sexual activism group founded in New York City in 1997:

The group characterized itself as a "pro-queer, pro-feminist, anti-racist direct action group" campaigning for sexual freedom in the age of AIDS. It was founded to oppose both mainstream political measures to control sex, and elements within the gay community who advocated same-sex marriage and the restriction of public sexual culture as solutions to the HIV crisis. The group has been depicted as a faction in a gay "culture war" of the late 20th and early 21st centuries. – Source

As long as we’ve had dogmatic religions there has been sex panic for the simple reasons that sex is fun, liberating, and a basic human behaviour. Sex is a form of creative physical expression that frees the mind, body, and soul to see beauty in the moment. Sex, when fully realized, is a sensual experience, one that involves all of our senses and something that scares the bejesus (pun intended) out of Fundamentalists and Evangelicals.

I’ve often wondered why people scream during sex, “Oh GOD! OH MY GOD I’m cumming…!” Doesn’t it seem that sex would bring us closer to god, rather than push us away?

The problem is not having or feeling a connection with “spirt” or your higher self in the moment of sexual ecstasy. Rather, religious doctrines (taken too literally, and religious texts that have been too secularized) seek to control and suppress sensuality; the innate connection with nature we are all born with.

Many religions demonize sex

Why? Because sexual freedom fosters creativity and free thinking.

“It should come as no surprise that religious and cultural conservatives view joy, celebration, ecstasy, and exuberance as degenerate. For in their view, they are right: gay spirit undermines patriarchal power structures.” – Raymond L. Rigolisoso, Gay Men and The New Way Forward

Sex Panic is an ideologically-based suppression of our basic human need for touch, intimacy, and sex – an absolute denial of that which makes us human. As queers we can invite humanity to let go of ego and ideologies and experience the sensuality of beauty, to recognize that beauty is natural, that beauty is found in the natural world, and that we as humans come from nature.

Somebody Please Think of the Children

The logical fallacy, "Think of the children”, can be seen in the misguided actions of the Ontario PC Party’s move to repeal the Ontario sex-ed curriculum back to the dark ages.

Concerned parents, limited by dogma and ideological thinking, tell you they are only concerned with protecting their children. But from what, exactly? The debate about sex-ed needs not be based on the manipulation of emotions and the worthlessness of a logical fallacy. Of course we should care about the children, BUT we should care about ALL children:

“The existence of gay and lesbian parents is a fact, not ideology. Proponents of anti-gay laws may be trying to 'save the children,' but the ultimate effect of such laws is to harm the physical and psychological well-being of millions of children currently raised by loving GLBT parents.” – Source

Fuck it! In the meantime, don’t panic, just have sex.

Further Listening & Reading

• Read the complete post published on TheGayGuideNetwork: Society : Sex Panic! Somebody, ​Please Think of the Children!
• How Gay Men Imbue Culture With Beauty and Creativity – LOP042
• How to Fight Doug Ford and the Ontario PC Party as LGBTQ+
• The Hateful Prejudice and Elitism that is Jordan Peterson – LOP056

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Happy Valentine's Day, 2019!

My boyfriend, my partner, my lover, brings me joy every day.

Moments of joy is what keeps our love alive, strong, and enduring.

It’s not about how much money either of us makes.

It’s not about how often we have sex.

And it’s not about how he looks.

"Love is about noticing joy in the presence of another person."Allan Downs, The Velvet Rage

The First Joy

I can’t show you a picture of the one thing he does that brings me the most joy.

And it’s not what you think you dirty fucker! :-)

Christiaan’s laugh is infectious and often. We can be quietly sitting together at home, and without warning he starts laughing.

Quizzically I look at him. “What are you laughing about?”

“Do you remember that episode of Family Guy when Peter…”

Raw, honest, spontaneous, and genuine.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BXdkf_ZgIaI/

The Second Joy

Most mornings he’s up before me. When I come downstairs there’s always a glass of water on the counter for me.

Of course, I can pour my own water, but it’s the fact he’s thinking of me. It’s one of his rituals, and whether he knows it or not, I notice.

The Third Joy

The bed. He makes the bed most mornings. The odd time we both leave it a mess. But I feel it’s somehow “his thing.” And it’s cute.

This morning I walked into the bedroom after a shower to open the window. I saw the bed and it brought me a moment of joy and the inspiration for this post.

The Fourth Joy

Look at the size of those shoes! Size 13s!

Now, why are his shoes there, and not in the front hall closet or on a shoe mat by the door?

“Because they’re my shoes and don’t tell me what to do!”

He’s right. This used to drive me crazy. Now I see it and accept it as his uniqueness, and that gives me joy.

The Fifth and Absolutely Not Final Joy

In June, 2015 we both got matching tattoos, just before Pride.

Neither of us wants to get married. We both respect the rights of LGBTQ people to get married, but neither of us like the “institution of marriage” and all the baggage that comes with it.

Rings are much too traditional and easy to remove.

Our tattoo reminds me of the joy I experience living with and being in love with Christiaan, every day. When I see it, I smile. :-)

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The basic human fear of anyone else who is unlike us, too dissimilar, or who holds a different view of the world is the original binary.

The binary begins early in life when we learn our name; our identity. Who we are separates us from everyone else.

“Ego is a mental structure built on name.” - Laurence G. Boldt

We begin to see that we are also different from the natural world, because we are capable of language and intellectual thought. At least in the Western world we are taught that we can manipulate and control nature to our advantage.

Our name indicates a kind of ownership that eventually turns into an understanding of property; that which we associate as belonging to us as named.

The ego asks, and more often demands, “What's in it for me?”

That thought alone is the beginning of personal property and defending what's mine; what belongs to me.

Infinite abundance is the nature of the universe and something that ancient Eastern philosophies understood, but the Western world view (for the most part) rejects.

Further Reading

• ”The Tao of Abundance.” Laurence G. Boldt
• “Dare to Lead.” Brene Brown
• “Gay Men and the New Way Forward.” Raymond L. Rigoglioso
• “Tao Te Ching.” Translation by Stephen Mitchell

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“Gay spirit speaks to the vitality that gay men possess, which is palpable but defies easy description.” – Raymond Rigoglioso

I believe that gay men have a unique opportunity to openly embrace their unique characteristics – in particular their gay spirt – to bring a balanced, empathetic approach to leadership, and to be leaders of evolutionary, humanitarian change. We might just be the much needed bridge to control the misguided and toxic leadership of “too straight” hegemonic masculinity that we see in major corporations and governments.

Some people might question the value promoting difference and will suggest that we are all just people, and/or why can’t we call get along. It’s a good place to start, to accept others carte balance, but my suggestion is NOT to promote difference that creates division. I am suggesting helping gay men live out their unique insights and characteristics that have come from their experience as gay men. In other words, I want to celebrate diversity, which challenges the status quo, but which affords creativity and innovation.

Joy invites innovation and possibility

In this episode I speak to the following three quotes from Rigoglioso and how they apply in real “gay life”.

“At its most visible and observable level, gay spirit manifests in our propensity to have fun and experience joy.”

“… the close relationship between gay men's exuberant spirit and our expression of sexuality and sensuality."

“Joy unleashes love, and that love diminishes division and creates wholeness.”

The price we pay for our gay spirit

Many of us are reluctant to be seen outside of the safety of gay spaces, but the world desperately needs us. The world needs our joy, our playfulness, our youthfulness, and our different perceptive to challenge norms and defeat creative stagnation.

“It should come as no surprise that religious and cultural conservatives view joy, celebration, ecstasy, and exuberance as degenerate. For in their view, they are right: gay spirit undermines patriarchal power structures."

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When we speak our ideas and intentions, our words initiate action, whether that be our own, or the inspiration for others to act.

To answer the question above, what I see happening in the world today is that,

The actions of hatred and violence have always been with us, rising and falling with history, state, and different types of leadership – anywhere from democracy to fascism and authoritarian rule.

Currently, perhaps because of the power of social media, what I’m witnessing is the power of words to INSPIRE and PROVOKE the meek, the followers — those who do not think for themselves — to take action on behalf of someone else’s words. These followers follow blindly, yet with intention and they will tell you they are only doing what someone like a Jordan Peterson, Donald Trump, or Mike Pence told them to do.

We cannot survive as a human race much longer with rigid ideologies and dogmatic religions that reinforce a subject versus object paradigm – an us versus them restrictive and prejudicial perspective of the world.

One way or another there will be a seismic shift. How we step together forward in unity or discord will determine the framing of that outcome.

Articles Mentioned in this Episode

• Standing on the Edge of the Precipice. And how we can bridge the gap with a queer path
• “The Transformation of Silence Into Language and Action” Audre Lorde
• Is Forgiveness of Homophobia a Gay Male Gift? LOP030
• There Is No Space Between Us In The Gap – LOP053

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One of the promises made by the current Ontario PC government was that they would repeal the 2015 Ontario sex-ed curriculum installed by the former Liberal government if they won the election. They repealed the curriculum within months of winning the election in 2018 and temporarily replaced it with the 1998 curriculum.

In August a student’s family filed a complaint with the Ontario Human Rights Commission(OHRC) about the PC government’s repeal of the 2015 Ontario sex-ed curriculum, claiming that the 1998 curriculum makes no mention of gender diversity or the rights of LGBTQ students. OHRC is intervening the case before the Human Rights Tribunal.

https://twitter.com/Think_Queerly/status/1090301638537932800

I decided to listen to the Metro Morning show, in which host Matt Galloway speaks with the OHRC Chief Commissioner, Renu Mandhane about the sex-ed curriculum. The notes and quotes below are taken from the interview, which you can listen to here: Ontario Human Rights Commission intervenes in sex ed case.

• All students and their families deserve to see themselves represented in Ontario’s curriculum. The interim curriculum fails to do that, missing out on supporting LGBTQ issues, and issues of consent, especially for girls who are over-represented when it comes to sexual violence.
• The 2015 curriculum dealt significantly with issues around sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, consent to sexual activity.
• The interim curriculum does mention some of the above concepts but really leaves it up to the teacher to deal with as they arise in the classroom. Of course, they may not arise which leaves kids without getting this information that would have otherwise been delivered.
• The job of the OHRC is human rights and to hold the government accountable.

“The goal of the Ontario Human Rights Commission is to ensure that vulnerable and marginalized people are protected however unpopular they may be in society.” - Chief Commissioner, Renu Mandhane

Galloway asks Mandhane how one responds to the parents who agree with what the current Ontario PC provincial government is doing, and who claim that they weren’t consulted, or that the material is age-inappropriate, etc. (My note: there were many studies and consultations by the previous Liberal government which can be easily found and referenced online.)

Mandhane’s response is simple and elegant (paraphrasing):

‘The curriculum needs to represent everyone who calls Ontario home. There’s a lack of knowledge some people have about other groups, but the solution cannot be an erasure of groups from the curriculum. What needs to happen with the future generation of students is a discussion about their human rights and their responsibility to other people.’

What about the argument, ‘We voted for this government. Our concerns are now being trampled by the Human Rights tribunal.’

“The fundamental basis of human rights is the protection of vulnerable people from simple majority rule.”

Governments cannot act in a way that is discriminatory, even when they have a wide scope in which to act.

The OHRC wants to ensure that LGBT students and girls receive the information they need as some of the most vulnerable people in society. They don’t vote but they are deeply impacted by these decisions.

The social reality is that many youth face homelessness, girls face sexual violence, and many LGBT students don’t feel safe at schools. This is why the government must reflect this reality in the sex-ed curriculum.

“The more you challenge people and the status quo, the more you face backlash.”  – Nighat Dad

Further reading

• We Need Humane Rights, Not Human Rights – LOP037
• How to Fight Doug Ford and the Ontario PC Party as LGBTQ+
• If You’re Straight, You Need to Come Out as Humane
• Why Do Queers Get So Fucking Angry?
• “Fucking Faggots Are Illegal”
• Not Having to Bake Cakes for LGBTQ People Is an Insult to Humanity
• Shoving My Queer Agenda in Your Face — Take It!
• LGBTQ People Need This One Thing More than Allies

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In the last episode I waxed nostalgic about, The Good Old Days of Meeting Men for Sex at Gay Bars – LOP054. Today’s episode picks up from where I left off, talking about the different challenges in communicating with someone on a dating app versus face-to-face in person.

More and more I hear people complain about how rude people can be on dating apps. There’s abruptness, racism, ageism, femme-phobia, negativity, and arrogance. Unfortunately, this an issue we see on a lot of social media, and rudeness is not exclusive to dating apps.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Even if technology is changing the way we behave before we have a chance to think, we can take a step back and ask ourselves how we would like to be treated. We don’t have to treat ourselves like a commodity, which gives others licence to treat us without respect.

Imagine having a polite, respectful, calm, playful, and free of expectations conversation with someone you find attractive and interesting on your favourite dating app.

Seem implausible? It’s not, but it does require a conscious effort. It starts with how you handle yourself in a meaningful and helpful exchange of communication based on my,

Did I miss a principle? Let me know in the comments, below

Today’s episode was inspired by a post I wrote last year on Th-Ink Queerly:

10 Ways To Communicate Better on Gay Dating Apps

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I was 19 years old and had been going out to gay bars for about six months. It was a warm summer night in 1985 as I leaned against a post by the dance floor, sipping my beer, enjoying the music, and watching the men – the beautiful, sweating, dancing, sexy men.

He sauntered up to me with a grin that said ‘I want to taste you’. With a few pleasantries and names exchanged, he pressed himself against me and tried to tongue the pole behind my head through the back of my mouth. Not long after that we went back to his place where I spent the night fucking him.

Or at least it seems now that it was easier, or is it that I was easier?

Before all the dating apps, before online dating websites, and even before telephone dating personals, there were the bars. So much has changed in the last 40 years when it comes to how we now meet new people – and not just for sex, and not only for gay men.

In todays’s episode I talk about how online dating apps have commodified desire, allowing us to choice our “mate of the day” like we might order groceries or a pizza online. No more going out and meeting people in social situations. You can browse online from the comfort of your couch and simply “order in”. But what social graces have we lost, and how has online dating changed how we interact with others?

Today’s episode is inspired by a post of the same name that I wrote last year on Th-Ink Queerly:

https://medium.com/th-ink/the-good-old-days-of-meeting-men-for-sex-at-a-gay-bar-51f8299c68f3

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An awareness came through me this morning while moving in my fitness routine. My mind was open to the subconscious drip of what I had experienced and witnessed over the weekend. I had been contemplating – without attachment – how to express the beginning of a new perspective.

Exercising first thing in the morning is an opportune time for my mind to float like the the air above a body of water. Metaphorically, the air is my thinking / logical brain, and the body of water is my sub-consciousness. The space where the two meet is the gap.

This is very different from “not thinking”. To best understand “non-thinking” you need to experience it from within the gap. One can’t teach it. You can talk “around it” so that when you experience it, you will know.

The gap is a place where we can free ourselves of the bonds of how we perceive reality – our world – as outside or other from us. Our perceptions are the constructs of logical thinking, that come with limitations and a need for opposition, polarity, and binary explanations.

Today’s episode will be, admittedly, something very different for to enjoy. I ask that you trust me to do you no harm. Simply listen, allowing the sounds of my words to enter your consciousness, not as words limited by narrow definitions, but as possibility.

Enjoy this unique “Conscious Meditation on the Gap”.

When we experience the space in the gap as the true nature of the universe, we will no longer see duality.

Music Credit

The meditative music used in today’s episode are “Relaxing” followed by “Slow Motion” both by Bensound.com.

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What is the opposite of toxic masculinity? I would suggest it is what Ray Rigoglioso refers to as “authentic masculinity” in his book, Gay Men and The New Way Forward, which is a balancing intelligence of the masculine and feminine energies or characteristics in gay men – but something I believe gay men can gift to the word, especially straight men.

Earlier this week, Gillette released a video that has garnered both praise and toxic, abusive responses. Watch the video, “We Believe: The Best Men Can Be”:

https://youtu.be/koPmuEyP3a0

Gillette is taking a stand with their project, The Best Men Can Be, stating that,

“It’s time we acknowledge that brands, like ours, play a role in influencing culture. And as a company that encourages men to be their best, we have a responsibility to make sure we are promoting positive, attainable, inclusive and healthy versions of what it means to be a man.”

“From today on, we pledge to actively challenge the stereotypes and expectations of what it means to be a man everywhere you see Gillette. In the ads we run, the images we publish to social media, the words we choose, and so much more.”

No doubt Gillette wants to capture a greater market, and there’s nothing wrong with that. They risk offending many “manly men”, who are acting childish, illogical, and like someone has taken away their favourite toy. The critics are up in arms, trying to defend their way of life, blind to the irony of their own toxic indignation.

I for one will be keeping an eye on Gillette to see if they hold up to their promise of “promoting positive, attainable, inclusive and healthy versions of what it means to be a man.”

Piers Morgan tweeted his lack of understanding,

https://twitter.com/piersmorgan/status/1084891133757587456

I felt I’d offer my thoughts in a helpful way,

https://twitter.com/DarrenStehle/status/1085131082758971393

What’s much worse is the likes of James Woods who exhibits tremendous fear of change, of free thought, and the remotest possibility of equality and women’s rights:

https://twitter.com/RealJamesWoods/status/1085288054820990976

https://twitter.com/RealJamesWoods/status/1084956056218812416

If boys are to grow up to be healthy, emotionally balanced men, and secure in their individuality as human beings, they won’t want to model James Woods for authentic masculinity! Modelling Woods will only lead to fearing the feminine, promoting and condoning oppression and violence in all its negative and toxic forms.

Where does toxicity masculinity orignate?

Far too many young boys are taught to “suck it up”, to “act like a man”, or to “stop crying like a little girl” while they are growing up. They are taught that expressing weakness in any form – physical or emotional – is akin to being a sissy or like one of the girls. They are forced to suppress their emotions, literally having to keep their feelings in the closet.

This is similar to gay men who have experienced living in the closet for years. We had to suppress our authentic identity before finally coming out. When you can’t fully express your truth it eats away at your soul and makes you toxic. This is why finally coming out is a release and a period of healing. For straight men who are taught to suppress basic human emotions in order to “be a man”, over time this “straight-closet” can manifest as toxic – a bile of pent-up emotions that comes out as rage, fear of the other, aggression and defensiveness.

Links mentioned

Gillette #MeToo ad on 'toxic masculinity' gets praise – and abuse

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