Think Queerly

Behold, these are the 10 Commandments of the Heteronormative Patriarchy for gay men who want to blend in, fit in, act like everyone else, and be respectable!

1. Thou shalt judge other gays.
2. Thou shalt hold your voice silent when others make homophobic comments.
3. Thou shalt minimize talking about your sex or love life, if at all.
4. Thou shalt control your mannerisms, never flamboyant or feminine.
5. Thou shalt never make a straight man feel uncomfortable with your eyes.
6. Thou shalt act like “one of the boys” and fit in.
7. Thou shalt keep conversations safe and inclusive for straights.
8. Thou shalt wear clothes that don’t make you stand out.
9. Thou shalt keep silent when men degrade and objectify women. 
10. Thou shalt never break the rules.

Follow the Rules of the Status Quo at Your Peril.

Keep yourself boxed in. Mind the door of your closet. So long as you don’t come too far out, you’ll have a place in privileged society and you won’t ruffle any feathers.

Stand Up, Speak Out, and Live Proud!

If you’re not visible, if your voice is silent and you’re not heard we can’t make progress and we won't change hearts and minds. If you keep playing by the rules — the rules the status quo wants you to follow — nothing will every change and nothing will get better.

Originally published with video as, The 10 Commandments for Being a Respectable Gay Man.

Image credit: Kevin Trotman, Georgia Guidestones

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Brene Brown is considered an expert in her research on vulnerability and shame. What she teaches in her program, The Power of Vulnerability provides a powerful foundation to how we, as gay men and LGBTQ people, can use our difference to make a difference. Vulnerability helps us deal with our own gay shame, and in the process lead others in society on how to cleanse shame.

In this episode, I bring together Brown’s insights on vulnerability with one of the 14 gay male gifts – as taught in Raymond Rigoglioso in Gay Men And The New Way Forward – namely, how gay men are “models of authenticity and courage, and cleansers of shame.

What is Shame?

Shame encompasses the emotions about who you are and how you feel about yourself when you have done something wrong, e.g. that you’re not good enough, that you’re a bad person, or that you’re broken. You can make yourself feel shame, and others can shame you (if you let them), diminishing your self-worth.

Guilt Is Preferable to Shame.

When you feel guilt, it’s an awareness in relation to your choices or behaviours, and not about who you are. When you feel shame you feel bad about yourself. With guilt, you recognize you made a bad choice, which you can correct or apologize for, but it has nothing to do with your self-worth.

Empathy Is the Opposite of Shame.

Empathy is the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes”, to attempt to feel what they are feeling. And if you can’t do that exactly, you let them know that you don’t know what that feels like, but that you are here to listen and to help. Being open without trying to fix the person’s problem is vital to allowing them to work through their feelings of shame with love, respect, trust, and kindness.

Vulnerability Requires Trust Built Up Over Time.

Trust requires social support which is built up over time. The more you trust someone else, the more you feel free to be vulnerable with them. Trust also requires visibility, which is difficult when you are used to hiding your emotions, or if any part of who you are is still hidden in the closet.

The More Vulnerable You Are, the More You Experience Joy.

One of the best ways to experience more joy in your life is to practice “active gratitude”. Start a gratitude journal or simply write about what you are grateful for, at the start or the end of your day in your journal.

Resources

How Gay Shame Limits Self-Worth and Personal Growth – LOP008Why I’m Not Good Enough: My Dirty Gay SecretThe Cute Little Joys My Gay Boyfriend Brings – LOP060BreneBrown.comGay Men of Wisdom

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Why be normal when you can be different?

How do you exist in the gay world that prioritizes the “normate gay” (white, cis-male, physically fit) when you are disabled? One way is to lead with humour. This is exactly what Ryan O’Connell does with his hilarious and powerful new show on Netflix, Special. O’Connell wrote the script and plays the main character based loosely on his own life, who is also called Ryan.

Show synopsis

Special, is a distinctive and uplifting new series about a gay man, Ryan with mild cerebral palsy who decides to rewrite his identity and finally go after the life he wants. After years of dead-end internships, working in his pajamas as a blogger and communicating mostly via text, Ryan eventually figured out how to take his life from bleak to chic and began limping towards adulthood. The offbeat comedy is based on series creator and star Ryan O’Connell’s memoir, “I’m Special: And Other Lies We Tell Ourselves.” O’Connell also serves as executive producer alongside Jim Parsons.Netflix on YouTube

In the show, Ryan plays a character who is a virgin.

In one of the episodes, his best friend suggests that he hire a sex worker to fix this problem. What happens in the episode is a best-case scenario representation of empathy, respect, and a love of humanity.

Watch the trailer below, and enjoy my take on what happens in the episode and why O’Connell’s message is so important. If you want to watch a show that questions the status quo, is refreshing, intelligent, funny, and shines a bright light directly on belonging versus fitting in, block off two hours and binge watch Special, now!

https://youtu.be/b8S9Gxrp-uI

Resources

5 reasons to binge “Special” on NetflixRyan O'Connell on Thought CatalogRyan O'Connell Is Revolutionizing Queer, Disabled Representation on TVRyan O'Connell on TwitterJeffry Iovannone: Deconstructing the Ideal Gay Male Body – LOP077

Header image courtesy Netflix.

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One truth I know about gay men is that many of us don't know how to be men.

How can we live out our most authentic gay selves when we are faced with challenges like toxic masculinity, which attempts to regulate the feminine in all men?

In our own community, we face toxic gay masculinity that’s manifest in gay men who identify as straight-acting (who, for example, advertise as “masc seeking same” on dating apps). Nor do we live in the world of a simple binary anymore. We have trans men and women, and people who choose to identify in their own, unique ways that challenge social norms and rigid gender constructs.

In the end, we are all just people.

True equality depends on every one of us accepting and embracing others as human beings. No one is less than any other person or in any way less deserving of equality.

We also talk about miracles and why I don’t use the word. Listen in to find out how I describe the “truth about miracles.”

For those of you who don’t know, I wear many hats – but they are all gay! I’ve been the editor of TheGayGuideNetwork.com for about a year now. GGN is described as, “Your gay guide to the good life shares high-vibe conversations about true LGBT personal empowerment. Canada's #1 LGBT digital magazine, online since 2002.” GGN is run by my friend and colleague Shaun Proulx, whose show on SiriusXM Canada is now in its sixth season!

Enjoy this special edition of the Living OUT Podcast, originally aired on April 13, 2019, as the Shaun Proulx Show – SiriusXM Canada 167.

Resources

From Sissy Boys to Straight-Acting Gay MenThe Internalized Homophobia Of “Straight-Acting” Gay MenStraight-Acting Versus Being Your Authentic Gay SelfAuthentic Masculinity Is The Best A Man Can Get – LOP052

Following the taping. which was just before Easter, I promptly found chocolate Easter eggs and made Miss Ellie earrings for the show’s guest picture with the host, Shaun.

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Jeff Iovannone is an activist-scholar, writer, educator, and researcher from Buffalo, New York who holds a Ph.D. in American Studies and specializes in gender and LGBTQ studies. He is the creator of the blog Queer History for the People, a columnist for Th-Ink Queerly, a member of the Buffalo-Niagara LGBTQ History Project, and is a founding member of Body Liberated Buffalo, a volunteer-run activist and advocacy group that works for body liberation in Western New York.

In this episode, we discuss the multitude of issues that create the “problem” of the idealized, perfect gay male body, and the affects of masculinity, toxic masculinity, capitalism, sex, and diet culture for many gay men.

Snippets of insight from Jeff in this episode:

“A preference is never just a preference. It is always political. Replace the term preference with a politics of desirability. Who and what we desire is not individual, is not solely personal, is not neutral, but is shaped by the context in which we live and therefore it has political implications. It is enacting and reinforcing larger systems of power and oppression.”

“Research has shown that use of apps (like Grindr or Scruff) changes our neurobiology and predisposes us to objectify each other – particularly sexually objectify each other – and that has real-world consequences. The images and representations that people post online (shirtless selfies; workout selfies) are not merely representing reality, they’re actively constructing reality. They are teaching us to think about the world and other people in a particular way. They are creating what the norm is.”

“If we’re choosing our leadership or only representing perspectives of a select few, more often than not that select group is going to frame the issues and do the work in terms of what most relates to their experience and the way that they see the world. If we’re defining representation and leadership on the basis of physical appearance that limits our political efficacy as a community; our ability to create change within politics and society because we don’t have multiple perspectives to draw from and therefore we have fewer tools to create change.”

“When we’re talking about mainstream gay male culture and diet culture, they don’t just overlap or intersect, they are in fact one and the same.”

Enjoy this deep-dive conversation into one of the more complex, yet interesting challenges that affect not only gay men but also the future of LGBTQ activism.

Articles written by Jeffry Iovannone:

• We Need To Talk About Toxic Gay Masculinity
• The Problem Guests: Icons, Objectification & LGBTQ Activism
• Why is There No Gay Men’s Body Liberation Movement?
• Pete Buttigieg is Not the Gay Candidate I Want

For further reference

• 7 Beneath-the-Skin Thoughts For Gay Men to Love Their Body.
• Is Instagram to Blame for Gay Thirst Traps or Those Who Follow? LOP064.
• Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum on race and racism in society.
• The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf (refers to dieting as a political sedative)

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We Are Living in Troubled Times.

Many of us feel compelled to do something, to affect change, but we might feel powerless, disconnected, or unsure how a single person could change the world for the better.

I’ve been working on creating and describing the foundations of personal leadership for myself, and by extension other men who identify as gay. I’ve been working on this idea since February 2018, which eventually lead to the launch of the Living OUT Podcast in June of that year.

At the start of this year I came up with the idea of Living OUT Leadership. So many ideas came together and everything made sense, but while there was a large amount of material I could teach, a core idea was missing: spirituality. I define spirituality as our inner “knowing”, understanding who we are in a shared moral responsibility with all of humanity.

The Paths that Make Up the Way of Living OUT

Forgiveness

Accepting past transgressions as markers of who you are and letting go of your emotional attachment to the event.

Self-compassion

Accepting yourself as wholly complete and human without internal or external judgement. You are.

Empathy

Experiencing the truth of others in humanity to feel that we are all connected.

Witnessing

See the truth and fragility of one's ego for its identification with external things, possession, and separation.

Life Purpose

What you feel compelled to do, out of all that you are, which is the joyful expression of your true nature.

Awareness

The state of being in which you recognize and honour the intersecting paths above, and assume personal responsibility to take part in evolutionary leadership: to connect humanity.

References

• Is Forgiveness of Homophobia a Gay Male Gift? LOP030
• How to Discover Your True Purpose in Life – LOP044
• The Reluctance to Lead as Out Gay Men: Embracing Gay Spirit – LOP058
• Fear of the Other in Defence of the Ego – LOP059
• The Challenge to Lead as Out Gay Men – LOP063
• What Are the Qualities of Gay Leadership? LOP065
• Being At Ease With Yourself – LOP067

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How is it possible for “a sincerely held religious belief” to be used as an acceptable form of discrimination?

The answer is simple. There are far too many powerful egos in power pandering to far too many fearful egos who scream the loudest and also throw the largest amount of cash and support behind any politician who helps them get their way.

Last week LGBTQ lives and rights were yet again put into question:

The Texas Senate on Tuesday gave its initial OK to a bill that civil rights advocates say would give state-licensed workers — including doctors, child care providers and counselors — a free pass to discriminate, especially against people in the LGBTQ community. Senate Bill 17, filed by state Senator Charles Perry, R-Lubbock, would bar state agencies that issue occupational licenses from penalizing workers who refuse to provide services based on “a sincerely held religious belief.”Source

In today’s episode I talk about,

The value of meditation versus religious practice;How religion makes spiritual practice easy but not necessarily authentic;How some religions alleviate the need for patience and tolerance;Why god is personal, not a person, and;Why believing in a higher power represented as a being creates ethical quandaries.

Read the complete post on my publication, Th-Ink Queerly

“Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs” — A Specious Defence of Prejudice

https://medium.com/th-ink/sincerely-held-religious-beliefs-a-specious-defence-of-prejudice-e8a069889ba6

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There is no in-between. Life is ephemeral. Everything is temporary. We only have this moment now, so if you are not consciously doing something that serves you or makes you happy, how does waiting serve you?

When challenging things happen – and they will – ask yourself, “What's the opportunity here?” – Rich Litvin

A Coaching Client Story.

One of my clients felt like it was wrong to have a goal around money. I asked, “What’s wrong with money for you?” He said, “I judge money for not being there.” He felt that he was showing up more in the world and trying to be fully engaged, but he still wasn’t making any more money.

He was anthropomorphizing money, giving it too much power over him. I asked how he could reframe his current perspective in an attempt to see money as a balancing out of energies. The more value you offer without expectation, the more people want to give you another form of value (in this case, money) in return.

We dug a bit deeper into his “money narrative” and he told me, “For anything that’s coming, I’m fighting it. I chose to not work even though it felt like I should have been working.”

This is when I suggested that everything is temporary and I asked him, “How does waiting serve you?”

We Wait Or We Create!

Instead of waiting for the perfect opportunity or your next big break, ask yourself, “If I could no longer be an X, what would I do?” What are your skills, talents, and training/education that you could use that are related to what you most want to do? That's the opportunity at this moment. Instead of waiting, you create.

What Are You Waiting For?

Waiting is a recipe for disappointment based on expectations. Waiting is also something you cannot control, namely, you cannot control the outcome. Desire paired with action is a creative activity and the fullest outward expression of your uniqueness. Even when you take action, you still can't control the outcome, but you can control what you do which creates the potential for what you want.

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We can hope for change, we can hope for things to get better, we can hope for LGBTQ equality, but hope internalized is nothing but a silent wish kept in the closet.

To be a change-maker – to be the change you want to see in the world – you need the help of others and more importantly, you need to express that hope with action.

You Must Give Voice to Your Hope.

And you need to speak up. You need to share your hopes for improving the world. You need to communicate those hopes with empathy in a conversation with others. You may also need to stand up and physically demonstrate your presence – your existence – for others to feel your hope.

Hope in the Mind is Nothing But Folly.

Hope expressed with action is the most ethical approach to having an evolutionary impact and making the world a better place. Hope when shared connects us with humanity. This is why a larger conversation about how to bring our hopes to life is so important.

Header image: Darren Tunnicliff

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For me it's about recognizing if I've left any best parts of me in the closet, and which of those skills, desires, or talents I want to bring OUT to experience and enjoy.

When I was a teenager growing up in the lates 70s and early 80s, I fell in love with figure skating, gymnastics, and contemporary dance. I never got to practice any of those athletic activities, but I watched – in silence and in secret.

My memories are in black-and-white, simply because we had a black-and-white television when I was a teenager at home. All joking aside, I made sure that I didn't seem too interested if I was watching something like the Olympics with my parents. I didn't want to give away the attraction I had for the beautiful bodies of the men figure skating, dancing, or performing gymnastics on the rings and the bars.

I never felt the freedom to express my desire to my family or my friends. At my high school, all those athletic pursuits were considered gay and anyone who expressed interest was immediately called a faggot. I longed to try out for a dance or gymnastics program, to at least discover what it would be like to express myself through that form of movement.

What would it have been like at 16 to have had a queer mentor, someone who could've seen the struggles I was facing as a closeted adolescent? It wasn't until my very early 30s when I decided to study personal training that I realized I had rediscovered one of the best parts of myself that I had forgotten about in my closet.

One evening at the end of a yoga class the instructor said to me, "you are so flexible. Were you a gymnast when you were younger?" It was a bittersweet question, because it hurt a little but made me smile at the same time. I had unconsciously prided myself on taking care of how well my body moved and I was trying to find part of myself that I had otherwise locked away.

A story like this doesn't have to be true for every gay man, but I know for many of us, especially those closer to my age at 53, we grew up at a time when we didn't have resources like the Internet to find others like us. If we felt threatened and unsafe we kept our identity as closely guarded as possible.

As we grow up we may have faced our demons, talked things through, went to therapy, or used personal development to better understand ourselves. But it's amazing how great we can feel, how successful we can become, yet still feel empty. We can still wonder, is that all there is?

If you've ever had a feeling like that, think about my story, and ask yourself,

“Have I left the best parts of who I am in the closet? What I am not living OUT?”

This is a starting point of my Living OUT Leadership “incubator”. LOL (for short) is a space for gay men to work together, understand their uniqueness and difference as gifts of leadership, to dig deep and find out if they've left the best parts of themselves in the closet, and to bring OUT those gifts to make the world a better place.

As gay man we have unique and vital insights to teach others.

We have a different insight than straight people. Hence the word queer, meaning different or odd (as in not the status quo). If you grew up in the closet, you will have had more than one coming out experience. You came out to different people at different times. As you discovered more about yourself, you may have let out more of who you are. You may act one way around people and another way around others.

Because you can't simply point to someone and label them as gay (since there is no visible identifier) we learn to wear a mask. That mask is a social contract to keep us quiet to fit into the norm. But that's not good enough. That's not acceptable. And that might be one of the reasons why you're wondering, is that all there is. To be who you are you need to disrupt the norm!

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