ThirtyFiveSixtyFour

Aeston West DISCOUNT CODE FOR LISTENERS: THIRTY20 for 20% off

Welcome to the science of beautiful skin in the middle years!

Are you overwhelmed by choices and frustrated that your skincare routine isn't working? We sit down with Kate Schneider, founder of Aeston West, who breaks down the complex world of middle-aged skincare and simplifies it with science.

In this essential episode, we dive into:

The Biggest Enemy: Why chronic inflammation is the root cause of many skin issues we face after 40—and how to fight it.

Smart Investment: Where you need to spend your money (hint: it's all about active serums!) and how to stop wasting cash on products that don't work.

Simplifying Your Routine: Strategies for streamlining your products to achieve better results and consistency.

Future Trends: The rise of clinical testing and the necessity of a holistic approach to skin health.

It's time to find joy in your routine and choose products that truly work for your unique needs!

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Setting the Stage

03:01 Kate's Background in Skincare and Science

06:36 Understanding the Unique Skin Needs of Middle-Aged Women

08:35 Navigating Skincare Choices

10:40 Addressing Chronic Inflammation in Skincare

12:27 The Impact of Lifestyle on Skin Health

14:20 The Importance of a Holistic Approach

17:28 Cleansing Techniques and Product Choices

20:14 Teen vs. Adult Acne: Different Needs

22:03 Application Techniques for Skincare Products

24:29 The Importance of Product Application Techniques

27:47 Streamlining Skincare Routines

30:52 Consistency in Skincare for Optimal Results

33:54 The Impact of Makeup on Skin Health

35:12 Investing Wisely in Skincare Products

38:52 The Power of Serums in Skincare

41:13 Affordable Drugstore Beauty Finds

44:44 Innovative Skincare Technologies

49:42 Emerging Trends in Skincare

52:04 Connecting with the Brand

Resources:

In this conversation, Riana Melia, a Neurosomatic Practitioner and Identity Architect, discusses the intersection of neuroscience and personal identity. She shares insights on how to identify when one feels stuck, the importance of understanding personal desires versus external expectations, and the Clear to Create method for achieving clarity in life. Riana emphasizes the significance of values, non-negotiables, and desires in relationships, and introduces the Fear to Focus Flip Framework to shift negative thought patterns. The discussion also touches on midlife reflections, the impact of past trauma, and practical advice for navigating life changes.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Neurosomatic Practices03:00 Identifying Signs of Being Stuck06:05 Understanding True Desires vs. External Expectations08:55 The Clarity Codex: Values and Non-Negotiables11:52 Creating a Desire List for Life14:49 The Importance of Clarity in Relationships17:49 Transforming Negative Thoughts into Positive Actions20:55 The Fear to Focus Flip Framework23:48 Practical Exercises for Mindset Shifts26:47 Emotional Guidance Scale and Its Impact28:58 Navigating Musical Frequencies and Emotional Guidance32:29 Clearing Unconscious Patterns for Transformation35:34 Understanding Midlife Transitions and Identity38:04 The Power of Forgiveness and Letting Go41:48 Accessing the Subconscious for Healing48:55 Visualizing Goals and Creating New Realities50:56 Practical Steps for Life Changes and Self-Discovery

Resources:Riana Melia’s WebsiteThe Extraordinary Love Index (ELI) AssessmentRiana’s InstagramRiana’s FacebookRiana’s YouTube channel

ThirtyFiveSixtyFour is a podcast for listeners between the ages of 35 and 64. Available on all major podcast platforms, the show offers an engaging journey through the various challenges and experiences of midlife. ThirtyFiveSixtyFour presents a distinct departure from the traditional midlife crisis storyline. Instead, it champions the perspective that midlife should be viewed as a period marked by play, discovery, transformation and possibility.

Read our middle age blogs and access detailed show notes for ThirtyFiveSixtyFour: Website → https://thirtyfivesixtyfour.com

Follow us on social for middle age inspiration:Instagram → https://instagram.com/thirtyfivesixtyfour_/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/ThirtyFiveSixtyFourPodcast/ TikTok → https://tiktok.com/@3564podcast LinkedIn → https://inkedin.com/company/thirtyfivesixtyfour/ 

Karen brings a powerful solo episode to ThirtyFiveSixtyFour, diving into nine of the most viral and eye-opening moments about perimenopause and menopause that every woman in midlife should know. Drawing from trusted experts, celebrity experiences, and viral clips that have reshaped the conversation around women’s health, Karen curates a must-listen guide to understanding your changing body and reclaiming your joy during midlife.

From Oprah Winfrey’s honest confessions to Halle Berry’s shocking medical misdiagnosis, Naomi Watts’ message of courage, and Dr. Mary Claire Haver’s transformative tips, this episode offers real talk and relatable stories that break the stigma surrounding menopause. Karen shares personal reflections, trusted resources, and a call to women everywhere: it’s time to take back control of your health and happiness.

In this episode:

 Resources Mentioned:

Ever wondered why your bladder seems to have a mind of its own after 40? Dr. Betsy Greenleaf, the first female board-certified urogynecologist in the United States, joins ThirtyFiveSixtyFour to answer every pelvic health question you’ve been too embarrassed to ask. From UTIs to sexual satisfaction, from the right way to wipe to whether your underwear is sabotaging your health, this conversation covers it all. Karen and Dr. Betsy dive deep into the changes that happen during perimenopause and menopause, debunking myths and offering practical solutions that don’t require surgery. Dr. Betsy’s refreshing approach removes the shame and awkwardness around these topics, delivering medically sound advice with humor and compassion. Her mantra? Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s normal or that you have to live with it.

Ready to reclaim your pelvic health and sexual confidence? Dr. Betsy shares game-changing insights about Kegel exercises, revealing that most women are doing them wrong and explaining the milkshake straw technique that actually works. She exposes the truth about popular lubricants (KY Jelly gets thrown under the bus), explains why vacation sex is better, and introduces listeners to boric acid as a vaginal reboot solution. The conversation takes empowering turns as Dr. Betsy discusses everything from the best underwear choices to why sexual pleasure should be considered pelvic physical therapy. She challenges outdated beliefs about female desire and provides actionable strategies for improving intimate satisfaction at any age. Listeners will walk away with practical tips they can implement immediately, from bladder retraining techniques to understanding which products actually support vaginal health.

Dr. Betsy Greenleaf is a pioneering triple board-certified physician and the first female in the United States to achieve board certification in urogynecology. Her specializations include obstetrics and gynecology, female pelvic medicine and reconstructive surgery, and procedural medicine and aesthetics. With decades of clinical experience, Dr. Betsy has become a leading voice in women’s pelvic health education. She is the CEO and founder of the Pelvic Floor Store, an online resource providing carefully curated products that support pelvic wellness. As a bestselling author and award-winning speaker, she’s dedicated to removing the stigma around pelvic health issues and empowering women with knowledge. Dr. Betsy also operates the Pause Institute, where she treats both men and women for hormonal and pelvic health concerns. Her innovative approach combines medical expertise with practical solutions, and she’s even released a menopause rock album called “Menopause Memo.” Dr. Betsy’s mission is to become the next Dr. Ruth, making conversations about intimate health accessible, accurate, and shame-free.

In this episode:

Resources:

Dr. Betsy’s Social Media: Dr. Betsy Greenleaf on Instagram Dr. Betsy Greenleaf on TikTok The Pelvic Floor Store – Use code 3564 for 10% off Pause Institute – Dr. Betsy’s Medical Practice Free Hormone Quiz Menopause Memo Rock Album – Available on Apple Music, Spotify, and Pandora

Divorce rates are at historic lows—except for women over 50. Anna Snead, co-founder of The Agenda Period, reveals the hidden connection between perimenopause and what she calls “menopause divorce” on ThirtyFiveSixtyFour. Ever wonder why you suddenly can’t stand things you once tolerated? Anna’s been coaching women through these hormonal shifts for years, and she’s discovered something fascinating: that late luteal phase clarity you experience before your period? During perimenopause, it becomes your constant companion. Karen and Anna dive into why 75% of divorces are initiated by women during this phase—and it’s not because you’re “crazy.” Your brain is actually giving you unprecedented clarity about your life, needs, and boundaries. Anna challenges the narrative that perimenopause is just hot flashes and brain fog, reframing it as your “pro-self” era.

Ready to stop apologizing for who you’re becoming? Anna shares game-changing insights about the hormonal shift from “pro-social” to “pro-self”—and why this isn’t a crisis, it’s an awakening. From revealing why only a handful of species (including one devoted octopus) experience menopause, to explaining how men can use cycle awareness as relationship “cheat codes,” this conversation rewrites the perimenopause playbook. Anna introduces The Agenda Period app that syncs with your calendar and gives you the “now what” guidance most trackers miss. You’ll discover why taking your basal body temperature matters beyond fertility, how the moon connects to your cycle, and why Anna’s football coach husband now period-coaches his buddies. Most powerfully, Anna dismantles the shame around this transition and offers practical tools—including her viral “marriage saver” mirror tracker—to help you embrace this creatively fertile period of life.

Anna Snead is the co-founder of The Agenda Period, a former high school teacher turned life coach and cycle educator who’s passionate about body literacy and empowering women through hormonal understanding. With a background spanning 16 years in education, Anna discovered the profound connection between menstrual cycles and life decisions while coaching her very first client through what appeared to be a divorce—until Anna noticed the pattern between her client’s cycle phases and relationship feelings. This revelation launched Anna’s mission to help women become their own “cycle scientists.” As a 46-year-old navigating perimenopause herself while raising a daughter, Anna combines personal experience with professional expertise to make cycle awareness accessible and actionable. Through The Agenda Period app and educational content, she’s disrupting the silence around women’s hormonal health, teaching both women and their partners how to harness cycle knowledge for deeper relationships and self-understanding. Anna believes perimenopause isn’t an ending but a powerful transition into wisdom-sharing and authentic self-advocacy.

In this episode:

• (00:00) Introduction: Anna Snead and The Agenda Period
• (03:03) What is “Menopause Divorce”? The 75% Statistic Explained
• (06:23) The Hormonal Shift: From Pro-Social to Pro-Self
• (08:15) Perimenopause Brings Clarity, Not Just Symptoms
• (10:55) Why You’re Becoming More Introverted (It’s Hormonal!)
• (13:41) Reframing Perimenopause as Purpose, Not Ending
• (16:49) The Agenda Period App: Your “Now What” Cycle Guide
• (20:32) How Men Can Support Partners Through Cycle Awareness
• (23:16) Tracking Ovulation When Periods Are Erratic
• (26:21) The Marriage Saver: Teaching Partners Your Cycle Language
• (29:56) Moon Cycles for Non-Bleeders and IUD Users
• (32:40) Natural Progesterone: Anna’s Game-Changing Experience
• (35:09) Perimenopause Starting Earlier: The Birth Control Connection
• (38:23) Daily Check-Ins: Your Most Important Relationship Is With Yourself
• (39:26) Closing and Next Steps
• Follow, subscribe, share, and rate….Send me your comments and feedback on the show!

Resources:

The Agenda Period Website: https://theagendaperiod.com The Agenda Period App (iOS and Android): Search “The Agenda.” in app stores The Agenda Period on Instagram The Agenda Period on TikTok The Agenda Period on YouTube

About:

ThirtyFiveSixtyFour is a podcast for listeners between the ages of 35 and 64. Available on all major podcast platforms, the show offers an engaging journey through the various challenges and experiences of midlife. ThirtyFiveSixtyFour presents a distinct departure from the traditional midlife crisis storyline. Instead, it champions the perspective that midlife should be viewed as a period marked by play, discovery, transformation and possibility.

If you find our stories and conversations valuable, your contribution helps cover the behind-the-scenes costs of keeping this podcast running.

Leave a tip or donation here → https://thirtyfivesixtyfour.com/donate/

Watch & Subscribe on YouTube → https://youtube.com/channel/UCUMAMJFx9trP1ixYD8uEs4A?reload=9  Listen & Subscribe on Spotify → https://open.spotify.com/show/6jJtEh0WpglPGlZ9qnGHKL  Listen & Subscribe on Apple Music → https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/thirtyfivesixtyfour/id1733505174

Read our middle age blogs and access transcripts and detailed show notes for ThirtyFiveSixtyFour → https://thirtyfivesixtyfour.com

Follow us on social for middle age inspiration: Instagram → https://instagram.com/thirtyfivesixtyfour_/ TikTok → https://tiktok.com/@3564podcast

Dreading your next milestone birthday or watching loved ones struggle with aging? Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming brings transformative wisdom to ThirtyFiveSixtyFour about embracing birthdays at any age. As the author of "How to Have a Happy Birthday," Tamar challenges the narrative that aging means decline. At 59 and approaching her own 60th birthday, she shares honest insights about physical changes while celebrating the wisdom, confidence, and freedom that come with each decade. Karen and Tamar dive deep into birthday anxiety, the privilege of aging, and why your birthday is the most sacred day of your year—one that deserves intentional celebration.

Ready to transform birthday dread into birthday joy? Tamar reveals why half of us experience birthday anxiety and how childhood experiences shape our relationship with aging. From dealing with perimenopause at 46 to embracing gray hair and wrinkles, this conversation tackles the real challenges of midlife while offering practical strategies for celebration. Listeners discover why "aging is a privilege" isn't just a platitude—it's a powerful reframe for living fully. Tamar's personal stories, from a devastating 18th birthday to her best birthday ever in France, illustrate how taking charge of your celebration creates transformation. Whether you're planning a milestone birthday or supporting someone who is, this episode provides actionable wisdom for making every birthday meaningful.

Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming is a birthday coach dedicated to helping people harness the transformational power of their birthdays so they can experience more joy, meaning, and fulfillment in their lives. Growing up, Tamar had happy, sad and terrible birthdays until she realized that having a fulfilling birthday was entirely up to her. In her award-winning book, “How to Have a Happy Birthday,” and its new companion workbook, Tamar explores why birthdays matter, why they can be hard for us, and what we can do to fully put ourselves in the center of our day. 

In this episode:

Follow Tamar:

Resources:

About:

ThirtyFiveSixtyFour is a podcast for listeners between the ages of 35 and 64. Available on all major podcast platforms, the show offers an engaging journey through the various challenges and experiences of midlife. ThirtyFiveSixtyFour presents a distinct departure from the traditional midlife crisis storyline. Instead, it champions the perspective that midlife should be viewed as a period marked by play, discovery, transformation and possibility.

If you find our stories and conversations valuable, your contribution helps cover the behind-the-scenes costs of keeping this podcast running.

Leave a tip or donation here → https://thirtyfivesixtyfour.com/donate/

Watch & Subscribe

Read our middle age blogs and access transcripts and detailed show notes for ThirtyFiveSixtyFour → http://thirtyfivesixtyfour.com

Follow us on social for middle age inspiration:

Episode Transcription:

[00:00:46] Karen: How old you are turning, how to have the birthday you want, and truly how to feel celebrated and loved and grateful, and the true privilege we have of aging. Welcome to the show, Tamar. It is so good to have you here.

[00:01:05] Tamar: Thanks Karen. I'm delighted to be here.

[00:01:07] Karen: I heard that you were just. Dying to tell us all about all the information that you've compiled with your research, your stories, everything about aging. I actually think that you are a perfect guest for this podcast because we're right in that middle age of 35 to 64, and you are a specialist in birthdays, different decades.

What it's like to age. I'm so excited to have you here. why don't you go ahead and tell us how old you are.

[00:01:43] Tamar: I am 59 and a half, and I'm turning 60 on January 9th.

[00:01:48] Karen: Oh, so you're coming up on a pretty big one yourself.

[00:01:51] Tamar: big one and I can feel it, and I can tell you I don't have any problem getting older. but 60 feels really big as a milestone, and I'm not dreading it. I'm embracing it. But I can tell you something that it's very different from 50. It's not middle aged anymore. You're entering your senior years, right?

Medicare, social security, retirement, and then looming right after a 70. So what I'm sensing is that there's certainly less time ahead of me. the clock is ticking and that's significant in life. when we're in our thirties, we feel like we have a lot of time ahead of us, and we do generally speaking.

But when 60 starts to approach, we realize, you know what? There's less time ahead of us. And so what that does for me. Is, it makes me wanna be more intentional with the time I have left to live this great life I have to the fullest, what's left on my bucket list. Not just places I wanna visit, but things I wanna do, things I wanna experience, the kind of person I wanna be.

And that's what Turning 60 is awakening in me, this urgency to be me as much as possible.

[00:02:50] Karen: Wow, okay. I love all of this. How do encapsulate everything you just said and bring that down to even the younger decades? So we feel that sense of urgency to embrace our dreams, become who we are. Or does this just take time? how do we do this at a younger age?

[00:03:12] Tamar: there's something that I recognized as a younger person, and I think this is true for young people in general. I remember when I was in my twenties, I was told to start a 401k account. put $50 in. I didn't do that. Retirement was way off in the future. I wish I did that That was not for all of you young people listening, do it. Do it right, get that compounded interest going, it's very hard for us. To envision our future, decades in the future. We don't think that way when we're in our twenties and thirties. We just don't. it's natural that we don't, we're younger, we're animals, human beings are animals.

We're younger animals who are focused on other things in life and much in the same way. At the age of 59, I'm not thinking about having kids anymore. I don't have kids. I was certainly thinking about that in my twenties and thirties, but age changes us. And what I've noticed is that age changes us in a variety of ways, and so this urgency that I feel being 59 and a half with 60 looming, I don't know that I felt it when I was 30.

Even though I was ambitious, I had dreams. I fulfilled many of them. I was a go-getter. It was a different quality because in my mind, I still had 60 years ahead of me. I planned to be here into my nineties. I don't even know if I'm gonna make it to 60. Who knows? We never know that we're gonna be here tomorrow, so we can't assume that either.

But assuming we live a typical. Long life. I believe that as we get closer to the, it's like an escalator right at the airport, when you're on those people movers, you're going. But as you get closer, you see the end coming. It's okay, it's coming. And I think that's what age does for us.

And I think it's actually a good thing.

[00:04:42] Karen: Yeah. I just started reading a book that many people have already read. It's the 5:00 AM Club. I'm not sure if you're familiar with

[00:04:50] Tamar: No, I'm not.

[00:04:51] Karen: Okay, I'll drop a link in the show notes. It's about reclaiming your mornings to live your best life and, setting up a, wellness morning routine and. I heard, this thing is packed with these amazing quotes.

I, I'm listening to the audio book version actually, and I heard this quote and I thought, I've got to tell her this. it said, too many people die when they're 60 and are buried when they're 90. and that it hit me. It actually gives me the goosebumps just because. So many people, I hear it all over every day.

I'm too old. I've lost my chance, and that makes me so sad to think that people simply, instead of thinking it. Thinking of things as this upward climb, like the escalator getting off at the top. They're thinking of it as like a downward decline and things are getting worse and worse. How? How do we change our mindset about this?

[00:05:59] Tamar: I wanna acknowledge something about going up that escalator and sometimes it can't feel like going down the escalator, over the hill going downhill. Our bodies change. Our mental capacity changes, our brains change. that's very real for some of us. It's, more acute than others.

but physical health is a really. It's a real key component that changes as we age, aches and pains start that we never had before. So I'm, I have to say that's real. And I definitely notice my brain and my thinking changing as I age. I'm more emotional. I'm more intuitive. There's some wonderful wisdom that's coming in that I didn't really have access to as much earlier on, but in terms of that sharp memory that I used to count on in my younger years, that's softening and that's just coming with age.

And so I feel like. For those of us as we age and we start to see our physical form change and age in ways we expected, in ways we didn't expect, that's real. And that can feel limiting. I, I have osteoporosis now. I'm not gonna go jump on trampolines anymore. Does that mean, I'm too old to have fun on a trampoline?

Or does that mean I'm being smart? About not putting my spine at risk for compression fractures. That's what that means. And so there's a reality check that happens when we age in the physical body, and I wanna name that because I don't wanna gloss over and just act be who you wanna be, whatever age you are.

There's a reality to aging. I don't judge it and I don't mind. I know I don't mind having my gray hair come in and my wrinkles come in. That's part of aging as well. I'm very positive about aging naturally. As I choose to today, I always reserve the right to change my mind tomorrow. That's what we get to do as people, is we get to make choices.

But, aging is complicated and I don't wanna minimize that, but to your point, people die at 16 or buried at 90. Yeah. There's a lot of people that give up that feel like they don't get to be center stage in their life anymore to create what they want. I would question if those people felt that way, even in their twenties and thirties and forties.

[00:07:58] Karen: Fair enough. I very good point there. I, back to this aging and the physical process of your body declining. how, wild is it when you look at pictures of people in their forties, their fifties, their sixties, maybe just three decades ago? And it is a wildly difference. Difference of appearance between what these different ages look like and there is so much expectation abo among men and women to remain almost this youthful appearance, but maintain that wisdom that comes with age.

How do we deal with all of these pressures?

[00:08:44] Tamar: we get to make choices. everything is a choice in life. Even choosing not to choose is a choice, so we can't get away from choice. So I just wanna say that, we are all empowered every day of our lives to make choices and then live with the consequences that ensue. A lot of times when I can't figure out what to do, I think, what's the consequence I want?

And let me choose into it that way. There is tremendous social pressure to remain youthful, right? There's a billion dollar industry marketing, anti-aging, youthfulness, all of that, right? And we buy into it literally, or we don't. And with we're, also very, as human animals, we are social creatures.

We are very susceptible to conformity and peer pressure. It's natural, it's part of our wiring as, animals and it's actually a good thing for the most part. but it can get in our way so that if I am letting my hair turn gray and everybody in my, social circle and everybody I see on television and everybody I see at the grocery store doesn't let their hair turn gray, I might feel freaky showing up as the only person with gray hair.

And so I feel like. We get to make choices again, as of how, as to how we age and it, and so again, my own personal choice is to see what nature has in store for me. I'm very curious. I know what I look like as a younger person. What am I gonna look as an old lady if I make it that far? Am I gonna have white hair?

Am I gonna have wrinkles like Georgia O'Keefe, I'm into that. Let's see what happens. But I do, But, there, there is something too about aging that I wanna acknowledge. I've never seen myself look like this before. for many decades I looked the same. I generally look the same anyway, except for the wrinkles and the gray hair and what gravity's doing to my skin.

I'm not recognizing the person that's showing up in the mirror and she's showing up quicker and quicker as I age. whoa, who is this older person showing up? I have a choice to make. I can resist her, confront her, and criticize her. Be afraid of her, or I can embrace her with curiosity and warmth and welcome her and just say, Hey, it's you.

Look at, this older version of you that's showing up in the mirror. Nice to meet you. Let's, keep going down the path of life together. That's my choice. To take a healthy approach to my own self image because I'm not 20-year-old. I'm not 40-year-old. I'm not, that person anymore.

[00:10:53] Karen: Yeah. I listened to a ton of podcasts and Mel Robbins has the number one podcast right now, and I was listening to one of her really old, episodes and she almost blew up right around this particular episode. And she mentioned waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror, and I don't remember her exact age.

I think she's in her mid fifties and. She had so much negative self-talk and hatred about the way she looked. she resisted wanting to even look at herself and something in her snapped in a good way, and she reached out to the mirror. I love this. She gave the mirror a high five, and she created this routine in the morning of giving herself a high five and saying, Hey, like you did it.

You're here. Let's do this. And it was this routine that helped her get into. A positive mindset around what she looked like, accepting herself and just starting the day off in a really positive way instead of looking in the mirror and, saying, oh my gosh, the bags, the wrinkles. I'm a mess. I, I struggle with that all the time and I tried this, and I gotta tell you, it felt really cheesy.

And silly in all the things, but it is interesting. So I actually, I wanna, I want you to give it a try, but all the 

listeners too, give it a try and see how different it is to look at yourself and accept yourself and celebrate yourself instead of say something negative. it, really, is impactful and it's a reminder for me to do that more because it's definitely a, morning struggle for me.

[00:12:47] Tamar: Yeah, I hear that. And a lot of us, when we look in the mirror, it's a confrontation. And when you're confronting yourself in the mirror with all that criticism, guess who's staring back at you? A very unattractive version of yourself. It's not warm, it's not gracious, it's not lit up. Other people see you lit up, warm and gracious.

You don't, 'cause that's not who you present to yourself in the mirror. And I think part of what. You're talking about with Mel giving her a high five is, can I have a warmer, softer image, stare back at me, and then maybe I can see the beauty come through despite the criticism.

[00:13:17] Karen: How do we support our friends and loved ones who are going through the aging process in really struggling with a specific birthday? I, this is coming up more and more. I'm 46 and, I have friends of all ages and I would say, everyone kind of moves through the 40, oh, yay, I'm turning 40.

But once that 50. And then 60 60 does seem to be something, because I have had more people not wanna celebrate that birthday and tame down any celebration we might plan or whatever because they actually seriously are struggling with this concept that they're 60. Tell me, how do we support our loved ones family?

wives, husbands with these big decade birthdays.

[00:14:14] Tamar: I wrote, just to bring this up, I wrote my book, how to Have a Happy Birthday, and I have this companion workbook. The workbook actually has questions that help us dive into what some of our issues might be around aging. One of the questions I really like. Because I feel like the people that don't wanna turn 60 are really struggling against their self image of being an older person.

And so the one of the questions I ask is, what have I lost that I no longer have now that I'm older? And we can come up with some answers, right? We can come up with some answers of what, I can come up with some answers of what I no longer have now that I'm 59 and a half that I had when I was 20 and 30.

[00:14:51] Karen: Yeah. What? What would you say? What 

are 

[00:14:53] Tamar: my, I mean my ability to have children. My ability to jump on a trampoline. my, my luscious, dark black hair, right? Smooth skin. just on a superficial level, on a deep level. my anxiety, some of my neuroses. I mean that too, right? But then the question is, the next question is what do I have now?

That I didn't have before as a result of being older. And I can tell you right now, self-confidence, deeper wisdom, more empathy and emotion, a, greater enjoyment of life, a greater ability to enjoy life, right? So I think we need to ask ourselves some questions, have some heart to heart conversations with ourselves, and we can do that as friend.

We can do that with our friends. okay, so you're afraid of turning 60. Why? What's going on for you? What are you afraid you're losing as this number lubes? But what do you have now? You get to have entering into your sixties. I have more freedom now. When I turned 60, guess what? I'm going to India for 10 weeks with my husband.

I couldn't have done that when I turned 50. I was a working girl. I'm not working now in that way. So I had the freedom, like hooray. I love, I'm so excited about my sixties, if that's what that means. So I feel like. Let's have some heart to heart conversations and allow people a safe space to really share what they're grieving.

Because if they're not looking forward to a big milestone birthday, it's typically because they're afraid of losing something and that can trigger grief. A lot of us are very attached to our youth, especially if we were hot mamas and hot papas rocking and rolling back when we were younger. That was part of our identity.

It was part of our fun, it was our sex appeal. And as we get older, a lot of us, especially women. Start to say that we feel invisible. We feel like we're not as powerful, we're not as attractive. all these words come up when we start talking to women who are aging. And I wanna say something here about that.

I definitely am invisible as I'm 59 and a half, but I'm invisible to the 20 and 30 year olds. I don't wanna be visible to them. I wanna be visible to my peer group. And you know what? I'm very visible to my peer group. My peer group sees me. I see them, so I wanna challenge anyone who thinks they're becoming invisible.

You're actually not. You're staying in. You're staying in step with your peer group. You're visible to them. They're visible to you. We're all aging with our peer group, and I really like that. I like aging with my peer group. I like aging with those people Born in the mid 1960s.

[00:17:04] Karen: Yeah, I love that. I was so excited to tell you the story. I couldn't wait, so I just got off the phone about an hour ago with my own mom. She is turning 70 in, let's see, 10 days, and she took a month off work. And she is in Europe with my dad and they are planning. They went on this wonderful Mediterranean cruise together and she is staying, my dad is flying home.

She is staying to do the Camino in Spain with her best friend and. She has trained for this. This has been a lifelong dream of hers, and she was not gonna let anything stop her. And I saw a picture of her. She's living her best life. She's healthy, she's vibrant, she's confident. And I just felt if this is what 70 looks like, bring it, because it, just gave me a lot of inspiration on.

Don't stop. this was a goal of hers for a long time and here she is at 70 doing it. And I just thought I need to list some things that are lifelong dreams and continue to work towards those no matter the age,

and do them while I can. But 70, I just, I feel so proud of her and just seeing her smile and her vibrancy makes me.

Really, it feels like it has carved a path for me in a direction that's very healthy and somewhat exciting. And, I just, I couldn't wait to tell you that because I, knew you were turning 60 and then the 70, what do you think about turning 80?

[00:18:50] Tamar: it's funny, I've spoken with people who've turned 80. I talk to people ahead of me. I want, they're trailblazers. What's it like turning 60, 70, 80? And from what I'm hearing about 80, 80 is when things start to happen. to your body in a particular way that's more dramatic than in earlier decades, oh boy, I didn't expect that.

So it's possible that's true. I don't know. But you said something about your mom, first off, it gave me chills and the best way to hear that this is how she celebrated her 70th. It's a great example of taking charge of your birthday, planning for it, doing what you want, and then allowing yourself to enjoy it.

And so I give her. please wish her a happy birthday for me 10

days from now. but you also said something else about your mom and her fulfilling this dream of walking the Camino. She's healthy and she trained for it. In other words, she's physically fit. This is something we cannot overestimate enough.

The importance of investing in your health alongside your wealth. We all know that we have to put our money into those 4 0 1 Ks and get our retirement savings up if we can, but you've gotta invest in your health as well, because if your body's not working and it's not healthy when you're 60 or 70 or 80, life's not fun.

You don't get to hike the Camino. So I, can't overestimate that enough that being healthy is a very important thing to invest in, to make sure that you can enjoy your life as long as possible. So I just wanna say that, what was the other question you just asked me? Oh, about turning 80.

About turning 80, yeah.

Yeah. It's a big number and if we make it to 80, a big achievement, a lot of people start dying. I have friends and family that didn't make it to 70.

[00:20:19] Karen: That just, that hits pretty hard. I just, being 46, I'll, tell you, I, when I was 45, I felt actually a little bit different than I do now. I read all these studies and, it said there's two major ages in your life that you experience aging rapidly and. 45 and 46 were markers, and I was cruising through 45, feeling pretty good, not understanding any of the aches and pains, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I feel like my memory.

Started just struggling a little bit and I was feeling like some back aches and I feel like I'm really healthy and active and, there was multiple symptoms that started stacking up where I started really feeling my age and I realized, oh my gosh, I am in perimenopause and, I, I, It was hard for me to say that word.

It felt, and I will like, I'm more comfortable with it now. it felt unsexy. Old and undesirable, and there's something inside of me that felt like, okay, you're past your prime. this is the marker that you are starting. And it was, a journey for me to ex. Accept that, process it, and then even feel comfortable talking about it.

Now, I can talk about it all day long, and all I wanna do is educate my girlfriends and even all the men in our lives about what this, is like for women and what they're going through too with hormones. But I have personally struggled with some of these concepts myself. This hasn't been, Karen is so positive and, thinks it's so easy to age.

I have been hit in the face with all these aging things happening really in the last year, and, I'm trying to learn how to best work with my body and also just be authentic about it. If, you tell other people I'm struggling with this, many of your close friends probably are too. 

[00:22:39] Tamar: Yeah. Yeah. And you're, eliminating Yeah. And you're eliminating the shame. we have, thank goodness this generation is talking a lot about menopause and pre menopause, thank God, because it wasn't spoken about when it started happening to, to me, in my right around the same age you are.

So this is almost 15 years ago. Think back society. Society wasn't really talking about this back then. I was getting anxiety. I was getting depressed. I wasn't able to sleep. I was getting emotional. I'm like, what the heck's happening? This isn't me. Thank God. My acupuncturist said, your hormones are changing and it's perimenopause.

And then I was okay understanding where it was coming from, but if you don't know where it's coming from, you feel like you're going. something's really wrong. I'm turning into someone I don't know. So it's really important that we share and we talk with our girlfriends, with our male friends, with our audiences about this aging process because I think that the more that we can air it out, we can be prepared for it when it comes and, feel more supported through the journey once you hit menopause.

I found for me, and I've heard this from other women, everything gets much better. All those symptoms disappear. You're on the other side of the river, men sees is like a river that flows. And when we cross it, when we're a young girl and we cross it, we become, childbearing young, women.

And when we cross it again, we lose our child-bearing abilities and we become older women. And it's a very distinct change that happens each way you cross the river. I'm very different being postmenopausal than I was premenopausal. that's just nature, right? And that's part of aging. And unless we know that it's coming, it can be hard.

And yeah, we can feel grief, that our childbearing years are over and that our sex appeal, which is related to childbearing by the way, it's really great that we're so sexy when we're young so that we can be attractive and have babies, right? that's just the DNA working, that's our animal nature.

So let's just. Sometimes I look to nature like as our animal selves to help make sense of some things that I otherwise couldn't figure out. but it's lovely. I like being this age. I can't overstate it enough. There are consequences to it that are, not as ideal, right? I talked about the aches and pains and the osteoporosis, but in terms of the wisdom, the confidence, the ability to have the life I want more than ever.

Hooray. I made it. I feel really good about that.

[00:24:54] Karen: Yeah. Tell me about the ways that men and women process aging differently.

[00:25:00] Tamar: I think that, I don't know. I'm not an expert on that specific part of the aging process. I'm not a, I don't consider myself an aging expert. I just consider someone who's been paying a lot of attention, Yes. and, have my very strong ideas about it. It seems like in up until recently, men were allowed to get old.

Men were allowed to get old. They were allowed to get their wrinkles, their gray hair. They were allowed to lose their hair. We still found them sexy and attractive. They weren't insecure about it. Society, the, billion dollar youth promoting market discovered that they were missing out on 50% of the market by not marketing to men.

So now they are. So now I'm seeing men, with all sorts of procedures being done right, the laser removal of the top layer of sun damaged skin to get that baby smooth skin and the, the hair dye, of course, and the. Facelifts and whatever I'm seeing that happen with men more than I've ever seen before because they too are now starting to feel the pressure of needing to remain young and vir, whether it's because of the workplace, we've become much more obsessed with hiring the young people, especially as our workplace has become more technologically, saturated because we know that young people are just so quick with the tech stuff.

generally speaking, so men, and I've, I hear this from my husband who's 59, and he, reminds me like. tomorrow men also feel the pressure of getting older. They also feel like they're being left behind for younger men, so that there's now a need for men to feel like, to stay in the game, to stay in the race.

They have to look younger as well. I think it's a disservice to everybody. I feel like this pressure to remain looking young doesn't help anybody, especially the young people who are coming up. and it's up to us to change it. I can either buy. Or reject what's being sold to me. It's my choice.

When we do something collectively, we either give it power or we reduce the power. That's our choice as individuals that form a collective marketing power. I, the other thing about men I will say is that. This is again, DNA in nature. Men can still have babies well into their seventies, right?

Even their eighties. So because of that, and that's, actually a good thing for the human species because we need, back in the days when we were procreating and getting the human species up and running, it's good that men could still, Impregnate younger women of child, varying age so that the chances of the species continuing was good.

So let's just keep that in mind that's a nature thing. That's a DNA thing. And but consequently, older men tend to be, still be attracted to younger women if they're single and they're looking in the dating field, they're, is a, 59 and a half year old man looking to date a 59 and a half year old woman, or is he looking for a 47-year-old woman?

I'm not looking, I, don't need to date. I'm married, but if I were single, I wouldn't be looking for a 47-year-old man. I'd be looking for my peer group and maybe a little bit older, but it doesn't work like that with men. So men and women are different as we age, and society treats us differently, although that is starting to change.

[00:27:51] Karen: What are some ways that you think we can help celebrate these big milestone birthdays if we're not on some crazy budget and we can't go to Europe? what are some ways that you have found in all your interview experience and research that is meaningful to celebrate these big decades?

[00:28:11] Tamar: So you just used the key word right there, meaningful. So what's meaningful to me as I hit a, as I hit a milestone, birthday is gonna be different than what's meaningful to you. The trick to having a happy birthday, whether it's a milestone birthday or not, is for you to get in touch with what would bring you joy, what would bring you pleasure, what would delight you, and then plan for it.

in advance to make it happen so that it can happen. Is it a solitary journey? is it a solitary celebration with just one other or two other people? Is it a big celebration with a bunch of people? Is it everybody from your life or just your friends? Like you have to start asking yourself what would bring you joy to celebrate your milestone birthday?

You can do it without spending a lot of money. Let's say you wanna have a big party and it's a barbecue. Where everybody's, and they're doing, potluck. you're not spending anything except maybe you're paying for the, paper plates, right? So you can ask friends and family and enlist their support to help you celebrate.

there's all sorts of ways that you can do, but you have to be creative and thoughtful about it well in advance. I'm not gonna wake up on my 60th birthday and say, okay, now. I have to plan for it, right? Same for you, for your 50th. You gotta start thinking about what you wanna do and allow yourself to be flexible.

I, for years, I wanted a huge disco party. When I turned 50, I was single. I'd never had a wedding. I wanted the disco ball and all my friends, I was gonna rent a room and hire the dj. That's what I was gonna do. My birthday when I turned 50, fell on a Saturday night, and I'd known that for years.

nine months or I don't know. Actually, it was just four months before my 50th birthday, I got engaged. So suddenly I was gonna have a wedding a year later. I wasn't, I didn't need to have two big parties in one year. So I changed my plans for my 50th birthday. I still had a party with family and friends, but it was much smaller.

It was in my own home and it was lovely. But, planned for what you want, and then be flexible as life changes. So think about it. Think about what would make you happy and you don't have to spend a lot of money. There are plenty of ways to find deep pleasure without spending a dime. I sit in my garden and I watch the hummingbirds sip from the flowers I planted for them.

That's priceless. That's priceless. It only costs the money that took was for me to plant the flower and water it. there's lots of joy we can have

[00:30:24] Karen: Yeah. Yeah.

I, first off the gardening thing, I, just bought a little greenhouse and, sent some pictures to some friends and they're like, embrace your old lady era. I'm like, yes. Like 

I. 

[00:30:40] Tamar: If that's what you're gonna do, yeah.

[00:30:42] Karen: I love going and pruning my roses and watching my seedlings and I'm not terribly successful, but I find a lot of joy in it.

And, you mentioned something though before about planning ahead for your birthday and think of what would be meaningful to you. I'm gonna tell you what not to do, and I'm, like, famous for this is. Doing something that I think is wonderful for somebody else, and it's not how they wanted to celebrate.

I'm like, classic doing this. I put together this surprise birthday. I paid for, a rental, a cabin in the mountains and had a bunch of this person's friends come and, although it was like, thank you so much. it was absolutely not what this person wanted, but what I would've loved, and I need to pause and ask my loved ones how they wanna celebrate, because many times I am deciding my idea.

Sounds so great. They must love it too. And I've made that mistake of going down that path multiple times for multiple types of celebrations. And I will share with my listeners here, make sure you're considering what this person actually really wants instead of what you think you would want.

[00:32:07] Tamar: Thank you so much for sharing that because that's really true. That's really true. The question here is what? What do you want and how can I help you make it happen? What would make you happy for your birthday that's coming up in six weeks or in a month? Let's talk about some ideas. Can I help you have a happy birthday?

What? What sounds fun to you? What can I do? And then if they're like, eh, I don't really feel like celebrating this year. Then you get to say, why not? What's going on? And I don't feel like turning 50, eh, Great. Let's talk about that. 'cause you deserve to celebrate the fact that you made it to 50. We know people who didn't.

Aging is a privilege. Aging is a privilege. So let's celebrate the fact that you're making it to 50. And what are some of, let's talk about what might be bothering you, about turning 50. and, let them start to have some deeper conversations with you or with themselves around.

What their resistance might be to a particular age so that they can overcome it and allow themselves to celebrate themselves on their birthday, which is the most spiritual day of their year. It is the most sacred day of their year. It is the most powerful day of the year because it's their day, their life began.

There's nothing more powerful than your birthday.

[00:33:11] Karen: yeah. There are so many disappointments around birthdays. Not only the fear of aging and realizing, oh, I'm turning 40 or, 60, or whatever that is. But disappointments of others not celebrating how you wanted to be celebrated. Do you, tell me about the disappointments that you've heard about and how to best avoid those.

[00:33:35] Tamar: yeah. So the birthday Blues is chapter two of my book, how to Have a Happy Birthday. Why? Because it's a thing. The birthday blues are a big deal, and part of that, part of what creates the birthday blues are unmet expectations. Typically, when we are children, our birthday avoidance, I think there's a num, there's a, Like a number line, where we're either birthday positive or birthday avoidant or somewhere in the middle for, and I think if you were to draw a line right down the middle, half of us are on one side, half are on the other. So our birthday avoidance, our birthday pain, our birthday anxiety, our birthday blues, I believe typically start in childhood where we woke up, we were happy it was our birthday and our parents might have forgotten, believe it or not, or treated it like it was just another day.

Or we saw our friends have cake and parties and we had nothing. Or our dad, I spoke with one podcast host. Her birthday cor correlated with the opening of fishing season. Her dad would go fishing on her birthday instead of celebrating her day. So the messages we get from a young age about ourselves and our worthiness, and our lovability get really entrenched when one or two birthdays come and go without it being a happy birthday.

So we shut down to that. The birthday anxiety that can come. Now as adults, as we age, as we face a milestone birthday is very real. we talked about. Those, issues around aging. But I think that what we have to remember is that when it comes to a birthday and celebrating a birthday, we can't rely on other people.

To do for us what we can only do for ourselves. We can't outsource our joy. We can't sit passively waiting for people to prove how much they love us by going all out and renting the cabin and making a surprise party for us. that sounds awesome to me, but to your friend, we already talked about that, but you showed how much energy and how much love you were willing to put out for your friend by doing all of that.

That's what all of us expect on our birthday. We want someone to be a hero for us and go to the world's end to show us how much they love us on our birthday, and that's. That's a recipe for major disappointment every single year, because nobody's a mind reader. Everybody's in their world. My birthday is my responsibility.

It's nobody else's. When I, I've already, it's, September, but as of July, six months out, I was inviting people to my birthday dinner in New York City. Before I leave for India, I have friends in New York City. I'm already planning my six months in advance to make sure that they'll be there, right?

Because I wanna have. What I want for my birthday. That was me planning it. That wasn't my friends trying to figure out what they could do for me. It was, I enlisted the support of my husband to do that outreach to my friends. But the point is, you have to take charge of your birthday. You have to enlist your friends and your family to participate as you want them to, and then you show up with an open heart and a bright spirit and see how the day unfold.

[00:36:08] Karen: Gosh, I just feel like it's such practical advice and we don't talk about birthdays and all these things much, and it really, some of these days are devastating and so disappointing and filled with anxiety. I was really interested, you said half of us have some birthday anxiety and other others don't. what really inspired you to write this book?

[00:36:34] Tamar: I'd had a really terrible birthday when I turned 18. It was my first year away from home. I was in university for the first year, baby, the family, four kids. And as I said, I didn't have any plans. My only plan was to wake up and get all the phone calls from my family, wishing me a happy birthday.

That was a very simple birthday I had planned, and the phone calls never came. My entire family forgot my birthday. When I turned 18, I was devastated and it, unfortunately reinforced ideas that I wasn't lovable, I wasn't important, I wasn't memorable. it was not good. Two years later though, I was turning 20 another milestone birthday.

I was spending my junior year abroad living in France. I woke up, still didn't have plans, but no one was around to do it for me. And I knew that, just the time difference alone. I wasn't gonna get phone calls at 8:00 AM in France. So I, thought, whoa, today's my day. No one's around. I'm gonna take the day off class.

I walked through town, I bought myself a fancy bottle of French perfume I could not afford on my student budget. and I had friends over later for cake. I had the best birthday I'd ever had because I took charge of it and I wasn't waiting passively. So keep that in mind that those were the two back to back experiences that woke me up to the power.

I had to make my birthday happy. And from that point forward, I started paying attention to the energy that would build to the rituals that I would do, to the things that worked and the things that didn't work year after year. But the, IM, the, catalyst that made me realize I needed to write a self-help book happened probably about 15 years ago.

I'd had a friend, a relatively new friend, and I knew his birthday was coming and I said, Hey, what are you doing for your birthday? And he's oh, I don't like my birthday. When his birthday came, I brought him a big, beautiful box of pink donuts, that big pink box, and I said, happy birthday.

And he hit his hand on the table and said, I told you I don't like my birthday. And he got really mad at me. I didn't even take the donuts. And I thought, oh boy, he meant it. He really meant it. It wasn't one of those situations where he just thought, oh, I don't like my birthday, and he needed somebody to do some SMA tasks for him, which I was willing to do.

He didn't like his birthday in a serious way, and I walked, away thinking, oh boy, there's something there. And I started thinking about what might be there, and very quickly, based on my own experiences and stories I'd known of other people, I started to realize I need to write a self-help book about how to have a happy birthday.

That was the catalyst. And then I talked to countless people over the years. It took me years to write the book because again, the birthday comes with its own energy, like Chris. Think of the Christmas spirit. You don't feel the Christmas spirit in July. You feel it in November. Here it comes. And the blah, same with your birthday.

There's a birthday spirit that starts to show up and you start to feel, and so that started to inform like, oh yeah, my birthday's coming, and I'd start writing and writing, and then my birthday would happen. And I'd write and write because I had the direct experience in insight to put into the book as a form of wisdom.

that's what inspired me. And the good news is it's helped a lot of people have happier birthdays. People that have avoided their birthdays, that didn't like their birthdays, they're suddenly celebrating their selves and they're transformed by it. That's the thing, when we allow ourselves to put ourselves in the center of our day, just one day a year, take the day off work, press the pause button, stop pleasing other people.

Put yourself in the center of your life one day a year. To have a happy birthday. It is transformational, it is joyful, and it's empowering. And so I hope that everybody who's on the fence about their birthdays or actively avoidant and anxious about it, I encourage you to consider that there's another way for you to celebrate your birthday with joy and with healing and with, delight.

It's transformational and it's possible.

[00:40:03] Karen: I have. Those people in my life as well that are the pink donut declining friend. and, it is somewhat concerning. It in my heart actually feels sad when I see that. but I have one last question for you, and it has to do with. Acknowledging birthdays. You mentioned in the, previously about wanting to receive a phone call.

I have had this conversation with a couple of friends of mine and I thought this was so funny. A particular friend of mine named Chris said. I can tell who is really deeply connected with me and wants to celebrate me by those who actually reach out to me and call. I don't like all these happy birthday things on Facebook or Instagram.

It's a cheap way of saying something. Just pick up the phone and call me. And I thought, that is interesting. I, thought it was an interesting comment. I now try out, obviously, to call him every year on his birthday, and I have that in my calendar. but how do you think it's best to acknowledge birthdays?

if there's no party planned, and maybe even, they're not even a very close friend, it's their birthday, what can we do for someone that might brighten their day?

[00:41:21] Tamar: It's a great question and there's a lot of different answers. It depends on your relationship with the person, if it's a family member or a close friend, that's very different. And yes, picking up the phone I is appropriate and, I think the right thing to do. If it's a former classmate and a former colleague and you don't really stay in touch.

I get onto Facebook every morning and I say, whose birthday it is, and I wish them a happy birthday, but what I don't do is I don't hit that pre-made AI button. Birthday greeting. I don't do that. it sounds like maybe you do. I don't, because to me, if you do, that's okay. If you don't, that's okay.

but for me, because when that comes to me, it doesn't feel like any energy was put into it. I make the effort to say, happy birthday, Karen. Today's your day and I hope you're enjoying it with good spirit and good cake, and that you have a great year ahead. Like I make the effort to send a birthday wish with true words of the moment.

And I know that has more energy. And love in it because I took a minute to actually craft something personal to that person that day, and I do that. And I enjoyed even with. High school classmates I haven't seen in 40 years. I still do that because I enjoy doing that and I'm into birthdays and I'm trying to help raise their spirit by sending some love because we all wanna give love on a birthday.

We're all like rock stars on our birthday that wanna receive it, and we wanna give the rockstar, love on their birthday. But in terms of the phone call, I agree that you have to know the person. What my husband and I do is we're now do. Voice memos where we'll sing happy birthday to the person and talk to them.

It'll be a minute and a half long, two minutes long, and then we text it to them because a lot of times I'll call, I used to call and sing into their voicemail, but the voicemail would be full or they wouldn't listen to the voicemail. For days, a text will come through and so a voice memo is my compromise now.

forgiving them real time energy that's uplifting.

[00:43:06] Karen: I love it. I like that too. I actually had a family member. In advance text a bunch of family members around the nation who weren't local. Hey, can you record a 32nd Happy birthday video for my wife? And he compiled all them and played them all for her, and it was actually really easy for me. I just spoken to the camera for 30 seconds.

And she got about like 20 or 25 of those, and I heard it went over really, well. That might be a low cost way to do something for someone, but 

I really, I love the voice memo, love. Love the voice memo idea. I think it's just totally on point.

[00:43:47] Tamar: Yeah, and it's easy to do and you don't, and then, sometimes people pick up the phone and you don't plan for them to pick up the phone 'cause you're ready to go head out to work. so it, it takes care of that too. Although when they pick up the phone, I feel honored.

that thing you were just talking about, the 32nd video clip that I've seen done for the milestone birthdays, it was done for my brother when he turned 60. I'm asking my husband to compile those videos for me. So when I turn 60 in India, I'm gonna have something to look at and I'm gonna have some birthday energy coming my way on the other side of the world.

So it's a wonderful idea and it's, I think it's really good for milestone birthdays

[00:44:21] Karen: Yeah, Gosh, I just feel like it's such practical advice and we don't talk about birthdays and all these things much, and it really, some of these days are devastating and so disappointing and filled with anxiety. I was really interested, you said half of us have some birthday anxiety and other others don't. what really inspired you to write this book?

[00:44:48] Tamar: I'd had a really terrible birthday when I turned 18. It was my first year away from home. I was in university for the first year, baby, the family, four kids. And as I said, I didn't have any plans. My only plan was to wake up and get all the phone calls from my family, wishing me a happy birthday.

That was a very simple birthday I had planned, and the phone calls never came. My entire family forgot my birthday. When I turned 18, I was devastated and it, unfortunately reinforced ideas that I wasn't lovable, I wasn't important, I wasn't memorable. it was not good. Two years later though, I was turning 20 another milestone birthday.

I was spending my junior year abroad living in France. I woke up, still didn't have plans, but no one was around to do it for me. And I knew that, just the time difference alone. I wasn't gonna get phone calls at 8:00 AM in France. So I, thought, whoa, today's my day. No one's around. I'm gonna take the day off class.

I walked through town, I bought myself a fancy bottle of French perfume I could not afford on my student budget. and I had friends over later for cake. I had the best birthday I'd ever had because I took charge of it and I wasn't waiting passively. So keep that in mind that those were the two back to back experiences that woke me up to the power.

I had to make my birthday happy. And from that point forward, I started paying attention to the energy that would build to the rituals that I would do, to the things that worked and the things that didn't work year after year. But the, IM, the, catalyst that made me realize I needed to write a self-help book happened probably about 15 years ago.

I'd had a friend, a relatively new friend, and I knew his birthday was coming and I said, Hey, what are you doing for your birthday? And he's oh, I don't like my birthday. When his birthday came, I brought him a big, beautiful box of pink donuts, that big pink box, and I said, happy birthday.

And he hit his hand on the table and said, I told you I don't like my birthday. And he got really mad at me. I didn't even take the donuts. And I thought, oh boy, he meant it. He really meant it. It wasn't one of those situations where he just thought, oh, I don't like my birthday, and he needed somebody to do some SMA tasks for him, which I was willing to do.

He didn't like his birthday in a serious way, and I walked, away thinking, oh boy, there's something there. And I started thinking about what might be there, and very quickly, based on my own experiences and stories I'd known of other people, I started to realize I need to write a self-help book about how to have a happy birthday.

That was the catalyst. And then I talked to countless people over the years. It took me years to write the book because again, the birthday comes with its own energy, like Chris. Think of the Christmas spirit. You don't feel the Christmas spirit in July. You feel it in November. Here it comes. And the blah, same with your birthday.

There's a birthday spirit that starts to show up and you start to feel, and so that started to inform like, oh yeah, my birthday's coming, and I'd start writing and writing, and then my birthday would happen. And I'd write and write because I had the direct experience in insight to put into the book as a form of wisdom.

that's what inspired me. And the good news is it's helped a lot of people have happier birthdays. People that have avoided their birthdays, that didn't like their birthdays, they're suddenly celebrating their selves and they're transformed by it. That's the thing, when we allow ourselves to put ourselves in the center of our day, just one day a year, take the day off work, press the pause button, stop pleasing other people.

Put yourself in the center of your life one day a year. To have a happy birthday. It is transformational, it is joyful, and it's empowering. And so I hope that everybody who's on the fence about their birthdays or actively avoidant and anxious about it, I encourage you to consider that there's another way for you to celebrate your birthday with joy and with healing and with, delight.

It's transformational and it's possible.

[00:48:17] Karen: Yeah, I have. Those people in my life as well that are the pink donut declining friend. and, it is somewhat concerning. It in my heart actually feels sad when I see that. but I have one last question for you, and it has to do with. Acknowledging birthdays. You mentioned in the, previously about wanting to receive a phone call.

I have had this conversation with a couple of friends of mine and I thought this was so funny. A particular friend of mine named Chris said. I can tell who is really deeply connected with me and wants to celebrate me by those who actually reach out to me and call. I don't like all these happy birthday things on Facebook or Instagram.

It's a cheap way of saying something. Just pick up the phone and call me. And I thought, that is interesting. I, thought it was an interesting comment. I now try out, obviously, to call him every year on his birthday, and I have that in my calendar. but how, do you think it's best to acknowledge birthdays?

if there's no party planned, and maybe even, they're not even a very close friend, it's their birthday, what can we do for someone that might brighten their day?

[00:49:35] Tamar: It's a great question and there's a lot of different answers. It depends on your relationship with the person, if it's a family member or a close friend, that's very different. And yes, picking up the phone I is appropriate and, I think the right thing to do. If it's a former classmate and a former colleague and you don't really stay in touch.

I get onto Facebook every morning and I say, whose birthday it is, and I wish them a happy birthday, but what I don't do is I don't hit that pre-made AI button. Birthday greeting. I don't do that. it sounds like maybe you do. I don't, because to me, if you do, that's okay. If you don't, that's okay.

but for me, because when that comes to me, it doesn't feel like any energy was put into it. I make the effort to say, happy birthday, Karen. Today's your day and I hope you're enjoying it with good spirit and good cake, and that you have a great year ahead. Like I make the effort to send a birthday wish with true words of the moment.

And I know that has more energy. And love in it because I took a minute to actually craft something personal to that person that day, and I do that. And I enjoyed even with. High school classmates I haven't seen in 40 years. I still do that because I enjoy doing that and I'm into birthdays and I'm trying to help raise their spirit by sending some love because we all wanna give love on a birthday.

We're all like rock stars on our birthday that wanna receive it, and we wanna give the rockstar, love on their birthday. But in terms of the phone call, I agree that you have to know the person. What my husband and I do is we're now do. Voice memos where we'll sing happy birthday to the person and talk to them.

It'll be a minute and a half long, two minutes long, and then we text it to them because a lot of times I'll call, I used to call and sing into their voicemail, but the voicemail would be full or they wouldn't listen to the voicemail. For days, a text will come through and so a voice memo is my compromise now.

forgiving them real time energy that's uplifting.

[00:51:20] Karen: I love it. I like that too. I actually had a family member. In advance text a bunch of family members around the nation who weren't local. Hey, can you record a 32nd Happy birthday video for my wife? And he compiled all them and played them all for her, and it was actually really easy for me. I just spoken to the camera for 30 seconds.

And she got about like 20 or 25 of those, and I heard it went over really, well. That might be a low cost way to do something for someone, but I really, I love the voice memo, love. Love the voice memo idea. I think it's just totally on point.

[00:52:01] Tamar: Yeah, and it's easy to do and you don't, and then, sometimes people pick up the phone and you don't plan for them to pick up the phone 'cause you're ready to go head out to work. so it, it takes care of that too. Although when they pick up the phone, I feel honored.

that thing you were just talking about, the 32nd video clip that I've seen done for the milestone birthdays, it was done for my brother when he turned 60. I'm asking my husband to compile those videos for me. So when I turn 60 in India, I'm gonna have something to look at and I'm gonna have some birthday energy coming my way on the other side of the world.

So it's a wonderful idea and it's, I think it's really good for milestone birthdays

[00:52:35] Karen: Yeah,

I do too. I, you are so articulate and I, just feel like so honored that you came on because I hope this touches people in a way that they feel more celebrated, more loved, more confident at the age they're at. That's our whole message with this podcast, and you are just like the perfect person to come on in and share this message really.

[00:53:00] Tamar: you. Thank you, Karen. It's deeply gratifying to talk to, bright spirits like you that are open to this conversation and that are willing to go deeply into figuring out what's going on here. Why aren't we allowed to just thrive and bloom whatever age we are with joy and gratitude and, our power intact.

Why can't we all do that? We can, but it, we have to have those conversations. And so by welcoming me onto your podcast, I hope that it's helping your listen. I hope it's hope. I hope it's helping your listeners have permission to be themselves without apology and with Grace

[00:53:33] Karen: yes, So tell me what is the best way for our listeners to get in touch with you? They wanna share a message. They wanna get ahold of your book. What are your socials? Give me all of the details.

[00:53:45] Tamar: You can get all that information by going to one website called. It's how to have a happy birthday.com and you can find out where to get my book. I have an ebook, an audio book card back paperback. I also have my socials author dot tamar on, Instagram and Facebook. But how to have a happy birthday.com.

You can message me there. I'm also a birthday coach. I just hung my shingles, the birthday coach. So if anyone's in interested in some birthday coaching a month before and a week after to, I'm up for that too. So how to have a happy birthday.com.

[00:54:16] Karen: Oh, that's so cool. A birthday coach.

[00:54:19] Tamar: Yeah.

[00:54:20] Karen: Wow. Okay. I like, this is really cool. I was actually thinking, gosh, maybe I should hire you for my mom. She doesn't need it. Your mom doesn't need it. I can tell you right now, she does not need it. I would be most helpful for people that are having a hard time embracing their birthday or figuring out what they want to do to celebrate themselves. it would be a one hour call about a month before their birthday with some preliminary homework you would do to submit to me, so I could see what your birthday issues might be.

[00:54:45] Tamar: So we could talk about that. And then a week after your birthday we'd say, okay, what worked, what didn't? What can you do for next year? So it's just like a one, one and done kind

[00:54:53] Karen: Yeah, I love it. we'll drop notes into the show notes so everyone can access that really easily if they're interested. Thank you so much for coming on. You were such a pleasure, and I know that this message is gonna change lives for the better, so thank you so much.

[00:55:11] Tamar: Thank you, Karen. It was a real pleasure to be here with you today. Thank you.

And that brings us to the end of another episode. I hope you enjoyed the content, and I'd love it if you would share this with a friend or family that you think would enjoy it. This is such a great time, middle age, and I wanna spread that message. The best way to do that is to share it, and if you haven't already followed us or subscribed, make sure to do that so you don't miss any of our new content.

I'm going to leave you like I do every episode. Remember, it's never too late. You are not too old, and you're definitely not dead.

Curious about those wellness trends flooding your social media feed? Karen dives headfirst into the world of middle-age wellness experiments, testing four popular treatments that promise everything from mental clarity to glowing skin. Ever wonder if that Instagram-famous head spa is worth the hype, or whether you could actually survive a cold plunge? Karen transforms from skeptical observer to brave guinea pig, documenting her real experiences with head spas, cold plunges, infrared saunas, and red light therapy. Her mission: separate the wellness wheat from the trendy chaff and give you the honest scoop on what's worth your time and money.

Ready to invest in yourself without breaking the bank? Karen shares vulnerable moments of panic in ice-cold water, blissful relaxation under flowing halos, and surprising discoveries about her own resilience. From the $10 red light session that left her skin surprisingly soft to the $100 head spa experience that felt "absolutely heavenly," she breaks down costs, benefits, and whether you should book your appointment today. The conversation takes an empowering turn when Karen realizes these experiments aren't just about wellness—they're about proving to yourself that you can do hard things. Her biggest takeaway? "If you can teach your brain that you can do hard things and you're not gonna give up, there's endless possibility in our life." Listeners will walk away with practical cost breakdowns, honest reviews, and the courage to try something new.

Resources:

YouTube Video Footage - Visual documentation of all four wellness experiences

About:

ThirtyFiveSixtyFour is a podcast for listeners between the ages of 35 and 64. Available on all major podcast platforms, the show offers an engaging journey through the various challenges and experiences of midlife. ThirtyFiveSixtyFour presents a distinct departure from the traditional midlife crisis storyline. Instead, it champions the perspective that midlife should be viewed as a period marked by play, discovery, transformation and possibility.

If you find our stories and conversations valuable, your contribution helps cover the behind-the-scenes costs of keeping this podcast running.

Leave a tip or donation here → https://thirtyfivesixtyfour.com/donate/

Read our middle age blogs and access transcripts and detailed show notes for ThirtyFiveSixtyFour → http://thirtyfivesixtyfour.com

Episode Transcript:

Are they worth the money? How much did they even cost? What was it like, and would you do it again? So let's dive into some of these really cool things that we did. This is one of those episodes that might be best viewed on YouTube. We have a bunch of videos and pictures of all these experiences, so check out our social media or the link in the show notes if you wanna see a really brief version on YouTube of what all these really looked like.

I actually took all these pictures, or someone on my team was taking the pictures of me during these services. Okay. The first service that I want to talk about is the head spa. So a head spa experience is all about your neck, head, hair, and scalp.

Okay. I just got in the room and they asked me to put on this terrycloth rope. Here we go. Looks pretty amazing.

Okay, this is what it looks like. I haven't started yet, but I'm waiting for them to come in.

And you go through this really interesting series of relaxation pieces where they first massage and wash your face almost like a mini facial.

Then they start washing your hair. Then they start massaging your scalp. It's like one of those moments you don't wanna stop. You know what I'm talking about? The moment in the salon where they're washing your hair and it just feels like you could melt into that bowl behind you. This lasts for a good 15 to 20 minutes.

It's absolutely heavenly after that shampooing and massaging of the hair. They start brushing your hair. It's really, really soothing, especially if you have shoulder length hair or more to have your hair brushed by someone. It almost feels parental in a really kind and sweet loving way. But someone then starts brushing your hair and really starting to stimulate your scalp.

Once all of the shampoo is out and your hair is perfectly brushed, they place you under this water halo. Now, this is probably the picture you've seen all over. It's the one that you see on Instagram or people taking when they're getting the service done. It's like a little headband. If you want to call it that, that sits, you know, a couple of maybe a foot above your head.

And it has a continuous stream of water that flows down in the most calming and relaxing way. It is not high pressure, but it's not just a drip. It's this low. Calming continuous stimulation and sound of the water. That just is really quite unreal for a moment. You almost feel out of body if you are completely relaxed.

You could imagine yourself under a waterfall, really under rain. It is really a cool experience, especially if you're able to relax under someone else's hands. I do think that this is a really great opportunity for you to try something new if you haven't. After the water treatment, I got a little bit of a neck and a shoulder massage, and I sat up and simultaneously where all those other things were going on, I was laying in a full body massage.

A chair table and my entire legs, back sides were being massaged by this machine table. So lots of stimulation happening everywhere. Once that was completed, we exited the room with those tables and sinks, and we went on to have some. Really cool LED light treatment on our scalps. So these women went through and really parted our hair very carefully and did all this yellow light therapy all over our scalp, mostly to stimulate the hair follicles.

And also they mentioned it was moisturizing and. And just something that really helps. Your hair maintains a healthy state. That took some time to do. It's almost like this massaging brush, and it has this light on the end, and it's really interesting. I had never seen that before. I looked at the machine and the writing on it was, not in a language that I knew.

So I knew that this is a pretty unique machine. It was probably imported from somewhere after that. My hair was blow dried. I'm not gonna say it was a full blowout, but I did not walk outta the facility with dripping wet hair like I thought I would, and it was a 90 minute experience. It costs about a hundred dollars, and I gave the staff a $20 tip, and I definitely think that the experience is worth doing.

I'm gonna say. Do it with a friend. There's something really cool about having this experience with a friend because it's really unique and the particular facility that I went to had two tables and two sinks, and they were able to service two people at the same time. I probably wouldn't want to do that with someone else I didn't know.

But I was able to bring Megan, who's on staff here at 35/64. She loved it. In fact, I was talking during the entire thing and she was zening out over to the right of me. I know she really loved this experience and plans on doing it again. Okay, the next thing that I tried. Ooh, and I, I gotta tell you, I'm pretty brave.

I'm up for trying new things. You know, last year I went skydiving and I decided it was time to try the cold plunge. 

I am about to do a cold plunge. I've never ever done this. Let's see if I can do this. Oh my gosh, I'm a little nervous. 

There are so many different ways to do a cold plunge. A very traditional way is to gather a bunch of ice, fill up your bathtub, and remain inside for, you know, as long as your treatment plan calls for?

I'll tell you that, the facility that I went to had a controlled temperature, so there was a chiller attached to this big bathtub, and there was no ice in it. The water was extremely cold. So the woman at the facility told me, you should just try to stay in for three minutes. We don't recommend more than six minutes a week.

Most of our clients do two, three minute stints a week. And I thought, okay, all right, let me give this a shot. So I wore my bathing suit. I popped in and, oh shoot. I immediately, I'm gonna just fully admit this, I think I said, oh ****and I thought I was gonna give up just right off the bat. It is a full no.

Your body wants to totally reject it. Your brain is telling yourself, why are you doing this? This isn't good. Get out and everything within you. I wanted to simply get out of this tub, and the first minute was painful for me. 

You just kind of start going numb, and it just starts, I don't know. I can't decide if I hate this or if I do it again, 

I don't know about other people, but I had tingly sensations. I really felt a little bit of panic. What ended up happening, I was getting coached by Megan who came along with me on this one as well, and she's like, hang in there. It gets better. It gets better. How are you feeling? You're doing great. You're really doing great. And she was showing me the timer and the first time I asked, it had only been 10 seconds. But I was able to pass a minute and everything slowed down.

And by that I mean it was a moment of pure peace, quietness and laser focused, I should say, 

Okay, so the first 20 seconds of that, honest to God, was hell. I didn't know if I could do it, and I actually wanted to give up. And then as I got into it. Everything slows down. All you can do is focus on your breathing. You don't think about anything else. It's one of those things, it's just like you're trying to survive and then you sort of ease into it.

I thought I'd give up. I ended up staying for three minutes. I definitely tried again. 

on making it through the moment. There was not a single other thing that I was thinking about in that minute except getting through it, and for the next minute to three minutes, I was in a kind of trance-like state where I wasn't talking much.

I was highly focused and I just felt everything slow down. What ends up happening is all the blood rushes to your core organs and your body focuses on really maintaining its temperature. By drawing in all the blood to your core, and I wanna read a couple of facts about some of these cold plunges.

So they typically have to be between 40 and 60 degrees Fahrenheit, and the reported benefits of the cold plunge are reducing muscle soreness and inflammation. You know, you'll see those NFL players after their Sunday night football game jump in those big ice baths, and that's been around for a long time.

But I think some of the newer ways that they are finding benefits from these cold plunges is simply mental resilience. And I gotta tell you, that might have been the most benefit that I received from this exercise is telling myself that I can do hard things.

I won't give up and follow through with it. And in a way, if you can teach your brain. That you can do hard things and you're not gonna give up and you're gonna go for it. It's an interesting exercise in really having control of what your thoughts are and if we can control our thoughts better. You know, there's endless possibilities in our life, right?

So this exercise for me was really about believing in myself and believing that I could get through it, although I almost gave up. Multiple times through the first minute. Other re other benefits are improving circulation and even some potential benefits of supporting metabolism. Based on all the energy that your body needs to expend, it does take calories to do that.

So there are some proposed benefits there. I did have someone tell me that they had heard of people having heart attacks doing these, and I just retorted. I have heard of people having heart attacks on the treadmill. You know, people have heart attacks everywhere. I definitely, if you have heart problems, maybe consult with your doctor before you do something like this.

But all in all, this was a very good experience. I would love to be able to do this on the regular. I know my neighbor next door has a cold plunge in his backyard. A couple of other people I know have some in their garage with a chiller and even others belong to gyms that have this as something that you can book as part of their membership.

I'm not sure how I'm going to pursue it. The cost for me to do this was only $25. And, you know, there was a robe provided and a towel and everything was turnkey. I know that there's some really cool wellness clubs out there that make this really, really approachable and affordable. But the $25 cost was a no-brainer, and it's not really a service that someone does, so there's no tip required. Okay. The next thing that I tried was. an infrared sauna. So infrared saunas are really interesting. A traditional sauna is very hot when you walk in, 

Whether it's dry or steam, the temperature inside is extremely hot. Now, what happens in these infrared saunas is that your body is heated. With infrared light, so that means that the average temperature inside of these.

It is not as high, and I'm gonna say uncomfortable as a traditional sauna experience, you still sweat. You still have some of the other benefits, like the relaxation, the stress reduction, the muscle and joint pain relief, but it's a different way of experiencing it without the extreme temperature.

I was able to stay in for 30 minutes and I gave myself 15. I did a timer 

starting to sweat a lot. Now it's been about 12 minutes. 30 minutes is probably gonna be a lot, but I'm gonna see how long I can last.

and I thought, you know what? I can do this for 30. That was what she recommended at the facility, the max amount of time to spend there. I turned on a gratitude meditation and I was also inside with a girlfriend, so we were chatting for part of it.

We're done. We made it in 30 minutes. Grabbing my cold washcloth with eucalyptus oil. Oh, that feels good. I'm supposed to be a little more toxin free. I thought it was pretty peaceful. We did a meditation and I will definitely do that again. I even hear some people have these at home.

But what a cool experience. This was also $25, and another one of those pieces that you can see, they're popping up at health clubs, gyms, wellness centers, and some affluent people are actually installing these directly in their homes. Well, I'm not quite there yet. All joking aside, I do think that this is a pretty cool therapy to try.

I'm not sure if it's something that I need to do all of the time, but I definitely would do it if it was at one of the spa experiences that I had, if I could walk in , and use it. So was it scary? No. Was it interesting? Yes. It was a very different experience than a traditional sauna. So I say give it a shot. The last experiment that I did with my team recently was red light therapy. Now you've seen masks. On, you know, they're selling these mass on Amazon and they're in beauty magazines and they're, they're selling scalp red light things to stimulate hair growth.

And this was one of those really spaceship-like experiences. I walked into this room, it was completely dark and it almost looked like a tanning bed, except that there was no top portion, but the bottom portion was completely. Lined with red light. Then when you laid down on it, there was a small mask area hovering over your face and that was getting on your face and neck.

Oh my gosh. This is strange. You feel immersed in a red light. It's some red light therapy and if you close your eyes, all you see is bright, bright light.

So when you closed your eyes, you were really, all you saw was a bright red light. Megan, who was with me during this experiment said she felt like she was in an alien ship and it was an interesting experience. So what's interesting about it is all of the benefits that come from red light therapy. So red light therapy is also referred to as low level laser therapy.

Sometimes you hear it as LLT, and what it does is it uses low wavelength red and near infrared. Light to improve a variety of health conditions. Skin health was one of the top reported benefits, wound healing. That's interesting. I think as we age, our wounds heal slower, especially with some of the terrible medical conditions that.

Have slow wound healing. This could be a really interesting thing for those folks. And then pain relief and hair growth are also some of the reported benefits. This therapy lasted 15 minutes. It was $10, and it was interesting. It was unique. It was not scary, it was not painful. And I'm gonna tell you, it seemed more like.

don't know it, it seemed more trendy than maybe helpful. I'm just giving you my experience. I will tell you that the attendant said this requires regular use and by regular. She said five times a week. And I thought, okay, well I just invested 15 minutes, so I'm obviously not gonna see a bunch of benefits.

But before I clown on it too much, I will tell you I had not done a scrub or anything on my skin, and my skin felt really soft, really soft. Almost like I had just put on lotion, but there was no greasy feeling. It just felt soft and supple and. As we age, that's something that always is nice when it's not crepey and dry.

So I did see that it benefited my skin in that brief treatment. It was cheap, it was approachable. I think it was fun. Would I do it again? Oh, sure. Would I pay for it? Maybe not. I'm curious if any of you had luck with infrared therapy, if you use it on the regular, if it's working well for you. I'd love to hear from you.

Like I said, reporting on just one use of it isn't gonna really give you the full scope of what it does. We have so many more experiments lined up for you. We wanna bring you the real deal, how much it costs, if it's fun, if it's scary. I'll tell you how I handled it and how I felt about it, and I hope to bring some new experiences to your life.

I have to encourage you, if you made it through the end of this episode, to invest in yourself. Yes, invest in yourself, and it doesn't have to be. A massive, you know, $500 spa day. But you know what, it's pretty approachable to go to some of these ice plunge places or to try that at your gym.

I bet one of your friends might have one if you ask around. It's also really easy to look on things like Groupon and other sales sites that support local businesses. You can try a lot of things for a really great price if you poke around. I found quite a few of these on Groupon myself, so I'll drop a couple links in the show notes to the facilities that we went to.

They were fantastic and welcoming and allowed me to film during all of these. This is one of those episodes that will be great to take a peek on YouTube if you wanna get specific, you know, what does the machine look like? What did that feel like? You can get full blown. What it looked like, what happened, and how did Karen react during these services.

It's all on video. I'd love for you to take a peek at that. We'll drop a link in the show notes to some of those. Thanks so much for listening. Thanks for being a part of this community. We believe that with intentionality you can live a fantastic life. Middle age and our mission is to bring that to you with advice, experiences, and experts.

I hope you'll tune in next week. Have a good one.

Feeling emotionally reactive or facing a big decision? Karen introduces a game-changing three-step check-in process that could save you from making choices you’ll regret. Ever sent that text in anger, made an impulsive purchase, or reacted poorly to a situation only to wonder later what you were thinking? This episode reveals the simple but powerful “T.H.H.” framework that helps you pause before making important decisions or emotional reactions. Karen shares vulnerable stories from her own experience with young children and perimenopause, explaining how being tired, hungry, or hormonal can hijack our decision-making abilities. Her practical approach offers immediate relief for anyone who’s ever wondered why they sometimes feel so emotionally dysregulated.

Ready to transform your reactive patterns into thoughtful responses? Karen breaks down each element of the T.H.H. framework with relatable examples and actionable strategies. From keeping snacks in your glove compartment to recognizing hormonal patterns (yes, this applies to men too!), she provides practical tools for better self-awareness. The conversation gets real about perimenopause, intermittent fasting challenges, and those 3 AM parenting moments that can make everything feel extreme. Karen’s friends even use this system to redirect each other during emotional meltdowns. Listeners will walk away with a simple but effective method for identifying when they’re not operating at their best, plus permission to give themselves grace during those inevitable human moments.

In this episode:

About:

ThirtyFiveSixtyFour is a podcast for listeners between the ages of 35 and 64. Available on all major podcast platforms, the show offers an engaging journey through the various challenges and experiences of midlife. ThirtyFiveSixtyFour presents a distinct departure from the traditional midlife crisis storyline. Instead, it champions the perspective that midlife should be viewed as a period marked by play, discovery, transformation and possibility.

If you find our stories and conversations valuable, your contribution helps cover the behind-the-scenes costs of keeping this podcast running. Leave a tip or donation here → https://thirtyfivesixtyfour.com/donate/

Episode Transcript:

So, I’ve noticed that there are three reasons that I should not be reactive or make decisions. I’m gonna go through those with you. They’re very basic and it almost works every time. So let’s dive in. T, are you tired? Now they say no one is getting enough sleep. I don’t know. I try to prioritize my sleep.

I really am one of those people who need like minimum eight hours. I do not do well, operating under a low amount of sleep. And if I am tired, I’m just not thinking straight. I’m not at my best. I can operate. But I’m not operating at the level that I should be if I’m going to make a really important decision.

So do not, whatever you do, do not make a decision that is impactful and important. or react in a way that’s going to change the outcome of your life in the immediate future. If you are tired, I guarantee you are very likely to make the wrong decision. We just don’t think straight when we’re tired. I remember when I was up all the time, it really felt like a period of five years, to be honest with young children.

They needed to be fed, they needed to be changed. Somebody was crying, somebody needed comfort. I have three kids, and at one point in my life, it just felt like all I was doing was responding to their needs all day long and in particular in those midnight hours. Whew, that’s a tough one. you know, between all of us, I remember having some really bizarre.

Thoughts, things that I would never consider, in my rested state, but being so exhausted, everything felt extreme. So if you’re tired, please do not make a decision. You should not make a decision. Wait until you’re rested, or at least when you’ve had time to have more rest. I’ve seen so many really like split choices made, and by split, I mean like in a split second.

Somebody makes a choice and they’re really tired and they immediately regret it. So please check to see if you’re tired. The next thing that I want you to check, are you hungry? Now? I know that sounds really silly. I am one of those people who get hangry. I bet you might be too, and you might not even know it.

But I actually need to eat pretty quickly in the morning. I know a lot of people are into intermittent fasting. They can go till noon, feel great. No, no, no, no. Not me. I’ve gotta get something, even if it’s just a banana or something basic. But I need to get my blood flowing and I need that, you know, I need that food and I know that when I’m hungry.

My mood starts going downhill and I’m talking about, you know, really, really hungry. You know, skipped a meal, and now I’m waiting for this super late reservation at eight when I would much rather eat at six 30, and I’m starting to just be irritated, easier. And be short with people. I just don’t think that like tiredness.

When I’m hungry, I’m not operating at my best. Now there’s a bunch of practical things that we can all do. I normally like to have snacks and stuff all over the place, and so normally in my glove compartment I might have a bag of goldfish or cashews in my purse, in my office. But really.

You’d be surprised at how often we are emotionally dysregulated because we are hungry.

So if you’re trying intermittent fasting, if you’re up all night with a baby, a grandchild, whatever it is, if you’re restless, , most likely you are not also eating well. So being hangry is one thing, but layering that on top of eating poorly. Wow, that’s a whole nother thing. We have other podcasts about that, but watch out if you are hungry.

Do not make a decision, please. It’s not the way to go. Wait until you have your belly full to think straight. Okay. I think the hardest one to identify sometimes is actually number three, which is, are you hormonal? Ooh. Okay. I am hardcore in perimenopause. Last year, I could not say the same thing. I actually thought perimenopause was a bunch of excuses for people being moody and gaining weight and, and all the things.

oh my gosh. Bless all of you ladies and men who are partnered with women who are going through this. It is not for the faint of heart. It is really challenging and on top of maybe perimenopause symptoms that you might be experiencing. Many of us still have a cycle, a regular menstrual cycle that also takes us through ups and downs.

I know my patterns so well. I know I get weepy. I don’t know, four days, three days before I start menstruating, I know that I feel really confident mid cycle. I definitely know my patterns and my emotional states that match with my hormones the older I’ve gotten, the more, I’ve been more connected with all of those things, but.

My goodness. Hormones are a big thing, and I’m not just talking to all the women out there. The men in our lives and middle age are also experiencing. Massive hormonal shifts and I am not an expert. I am not a doctor, but you can definitely know and see when, someone in your life is struggling with low testosterone or other pieces.

Now it’s funny because we may peg that as stress. Or something else, but there’s so many different pieces that men face as well, hormonally. So that’s something to always consider. This isn’t just about women, so this is a classic conversation that will happen with me and my friends on the phone. . I’m melting down about something and this isn’t, you know, common.

I’m always crying or anything, but I’m upset. I call a friend to soothe me and calm me and they know to ask these questions. Are you tired? Are you hungry? Are you hormonal? If I make it through those three questions, and the issue is still there. Then we’ve got a real issue going on. But normally I’m like, oh my gosh, yeah, you know what?

I’m really hungry and I didn’t sleep well last night, and they are so good at redirecting me. Don’t make a decision. Don’t ruminate on this right now. You’re not in a state to handle this at your best. It’s so easy. I wish that I had a button that I could press that said, Karen, are you tired? Are you hungry?

Are you hormonal? If you check one of these boxes, then you probably should not focus or ruminate on this idea right now. Good luck. You know, some sort of automated response that would be really funny. But what I want you to do is really examine these three things. Am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I hormonal?

Ask your friends. Those three things when they come to you and they’re in crisis. It’s so much better to make important decisions, react in other important navigations in life when we are rested, when we are well fed and have nutrition inside of our bodies. And also when we know that we’re in a stable, hormonal state.

I’m gonna say if you check two of those boxes. Oh no. Redirect yourself. Wait. you can get through it in a few days and figure it out if you check all three. Bless. Okay. Just sit back down. Get a tub of ice cream. I don’t know what it is. No, that’s terrible advice. But, but, you know, really identify and give yourself a break.

don’t make the choice, don’t do the reaction. Know that you’re not. making the choice that the stable you would make. This is a really easy way to go through life, identifying how to put off certain things and know when you’re, you’re just in some sort of thought pattern that doesn’t make sense.

You’ve gotta ask yourself, are you tired? Are you hungry? Are you hormonal? I guarantee asking those three questions and putting off that important decision or comment until those are stabilized is gonna make a difference in your life. I hope that TIP works well for you. If you are enjoying this podcast, we have a tip jar.

Go ahead and head over to the show notes. We are a small but mighty team, and all of your donations make a difference to keep our podcast going, so if you feel compelled to donate, we’d love to hear from you and we’d just love to hear from you anyway. It makes our day when you can send comments and notes to us if we’re helping you out and helping you live your best midlife.

Thanks everyone.

 And that brings us to the end of another episode. I hope you enjoyed the content, and I’d love it if you would share this with a friend or family that you think would enjoy it. This is such a great time, middle age, and I wanna spread that message. The best way to do that is to share it, and if you haven’t already followed us or subscribed, make sure to do that so you don’t miss any of our new content.

I’m going to leave you like I do every episode. Remember, it’s never too late. You are not too old, and you’re definitely not dead.

Ever find yourself caught in a spiral of complaint conversations that leave you feeling drained and pessimistic? Host Karen returns to ThirtyFiveSixtyFour after a year-long hiatus following an electrical fire, bringing hard-won wisdom about breaking free from what she calls “the negativity vortex.” Despite naturally leaning 80% positive, Karen discovered how easily she and her best friend had slipped into daily phone calls dominated by complaints about rising costs, work stress, and life’s general difficulties. What started as relating and supporting each other had morphed into a destructive pattern that fed on itself, gaining momentum like a psychological tornado.

Ready to escape your own negativity spiral? Karen shares her four-step recovery plan that transformed weeks of doom-scrolling conversations into uplifting daily exchanges. The solution isn’t about forced gratitude or toxic positivity—it’s about intentionally training your brain to notice what’s actually going well in real-time. Through a simple seven-day texting experiment with her friend, Karen demonstrates how our confirmation bias works both ways: if we look for problems, we’ll find them everywhere, but if we actively seek out small wins and smooth moments, those multiply too. Listeners will discover practical strategies for identifying when they’re stuck in the vortex, recruiting accountability partners, and rewiring their mental focus toward what’s working rather than what’s broken.

In this episode:

Resources:

ThirtyFiveSixtyFour WebsiteNew Tip/Donation Button

About:

ThirtyFiveSixtyFour is a podcast for listeners between the ages of 35 and 64. Available on all major podcast platforms, the show offers an engaging journey through the various challenges and experiences of midlife. ThirtyFiveSixtyFour presents a distinct departure from the traditional midlife crisis storyline. Instead, it champions the perspective that midlife should be viewed as a period marked by play, discovery, transformation and possibility.

If you find our stories and conversations valuable, your contribution helps cover the behind-the-scenes costs of keeping this podcast running. Leave a tip or donation here → https://thirtyfivesixtyfour.com/donate/

Episode Transcript:

Welcome to thirtyfivesixtyfour, a podcast for the middle. I am so happy to be with you today. It’s been a long break. I am finally moved. If you can see behind me and you’re watching on YouTube, I am back in my house after over a year when I had an electrical fire. It’s been quite a journey getting everything back in place and working with insurance.

I am so grateful to be home and you can see behind me I’m in a bit of a new studio environment. This is my first recording back at it in the new studio. So, so, so good to be with you today we are diving into what I’m gonna call the negativity vortex. So. I have to tell you, I lean very positive. In fact, I’m probably, hmm 80% positive if I were to break it down in percentages.

I know all of us land on a different scale. Many of us are neutral and some of us even land on that negative side. I do think that a lot of this can be trained and we can focus in new areas, but. Being that I am very positive, I noticed that in the last few weeks I got sucked into. What I am calling a negativity vortex.

So what is that? It’s basically negative thoughts that feed off each other and many times feed off a friend or friend groups and it just picks up speed and starts moving and it really kind of does some destruction. I noticed this when I was chatting with one of my best friends. We talk on the phone every day and.

We started swapping all sorts of stories on a regular basis about what was difficult in the day. Oh my gosh, I’m so distracted at work. Or, oh my gosh, why is it so expensive to eat out right now? I used to be able to go to happy hour and get out of there with a burger and a glass of wine for 20 bucks, and now it’s 80.

What happened? You know what’s going on with the interest rates, all sorts of conversation about what’s happening in everyday life. But we just started complaining and seeing everything with this like negative slant. Oh, things are so bad and it’s so difficult. And the interesting thing is, is it really becomes this sort of vortex.

Where you feed off of each other. It’s not that you’re trying to one up somebody, it’s that you’re trying to relate to them and understand them and share your bad story. You’re not the only one having a bad day. And I noticed this went on for a good couple of weeks. We got into this pattern where most of our conversation was slanted negative.

We were finding. Sharing what was not working in our lives. And I noticed this after one particular phone call where we both had a particularly bad day and I noticed, oh my gosh, we’ve gotta do something about this. This is not working for me. This is not working for you. We’ve gotta pull ourselves out of this negativity vortex.

So I have to share the famous quote. You find what you are looking for. And one of my favorite examples of that is when you’re driving around and you’re noticing specific car types, have you ever thought, oh, I’m gonna go buy a, new Bronco. So all of a sudden your brain sees Broncos all over the place. I noticed.

I was nervous about my kids riding e-bikes everywhere, and now I notice kids on e-bikes everywhere speeding and being out of control. I really never noticed them before, and now I see it all the time. Our brain is flooded with stimulation all day long, and it has to weed out the things that we’re not focused on, the things that we’re not.

Identifying as important. So the more we think about something, the more our brain believes that that is important to see and call out, and then we’ll begin to focus on. So some of this vortex stuff we actually do to ourselves. And it’s just how our brain works. So here is how I pulled myself and my girlfriend together.

, We did this as a team out of the negativity vortex one, I just identified that we were in it. What in the world are we doing? Two. I said, we’ve gotta do something about this. So will you be my person that I can text? Every day for the next seven days with five things that are going well.

Now, this is different than a gratitude list. This isn’t, you know, I’m grateful that I have a glass of cold water. I’m grateful for, my children. No, no, no. This is actual things that are going well. They can be small or big. And it helped us start to look for things to be grateful for. Like I said, it’s not necessarily the things so much as it is the happenings, the moments, So let me tell you about how we did this. But first off, I’m gonna share this in the show notes here. I have to share a screenshot of what my friend said. I said, let’s do this for one week, and, find five things every day and just text ’em at any time in a chunk piecemeal, whatever it is. And she wrote back.

That seems like a lot, meaning finding five things that were going well. Was a lot. I sort of laughed. I knew it wasn’t, and so I dug in. So the next day we started this text exchange and sometimes all of those text messages would come in early in the morning. Sometimes they would come in throughout the day.

And it was so interesting because I started loving to see her messages. They made me feel positive things were going well for her. Really small things like, Hey, I had the chance to swing by Starbucks for my favorite iced tea and. There was no line today at FedEx when I went to ship a bunch of important documents, small things that I know make a big difference in her life, but truly, you know, if they go well, it kind of makes the day a little bit easier.

And so every time I was getting these messages from her. They were very small things, but it made me feel good too. And they were happening to her. They weren’t even happening to me. And I think it did the same for her. I would text things, , really, really funny things. In fact, I’ll list a bunch of them in the show notes so you can see exactly the kind of messages that we were swapping.

But they were basic things that happened, that went well, that went good and. After we started doing this, it was really interesting because although it was a stretch to feel like five, it started getting easier and easier, and then I noticed some of the tone of our conversations even changed to focus on all of the good.

So I’ve got this four step program for you. It is identify that you’re in the vortex. Ask a friend to do this experiment with you and specifically ask a friend that you know will keep you accountable. We’ll stick to it and probably someone that knows you pretty well, so you don’t have to give them a lot of context.

The next step number three is text every day for one week. Five things that are going well for you. This is not a gratitude list. This is what is happening in the moment. It’s a difference, and you’ll know what I mean. When you start exchanging these things. Then at the end of the seven days, notice if your disposition, particularly the conversations that you have with this person, if it’s changed you, has it helped you find the good, instead of focus on the bad, There’s something called confirmation bias, and I’m sure you all have heard that, played out in different areas sometimes health, politics, relationships. But I do wanna remind you that your brain is going to look to confirm what you believe. Back to that quote at the beginning. You find what you’re looking for.

You will find what you’re looking for, and if that’s negative, you’re going to find it. If that’s positive, you are going to find it. I truly believe that we all have the ability. To look at our lives in a more positive way that just makes things more satisfying, more joyful, easier. , We all wanna live with ease and peace, and I think you and I can do that better if we notice when we get into this negativity vortex.

With friends or in our mind and work our way out. I hope my four step plan is helpful for you. There’s a couple of other things I wanted to mention. We have been asked so many times, how can we support the podcast? We have a new tip. Button in our show notes. If you have found this episode is helpful, we would love to know that by a comment and even a small tip.

They’re greatly appreciated. They help us run all of the behind scenes costs of the podcast. So if you’re looking for a great way to support us, I’d encourage you to look for that in the show notes. Thanks again. I can’t wait to be in touch with you as this next season launches. 

And that brings us to the end of another episode. I hope you enjoyed the content, and I’d love it if you would share this with a friend or family that you think would enjoy it. This is such a great time, middle age, and I wanna spread that message. The best way to do that is to share it, and if you haven’t already followed us or subscribed, make sure to do that so you don’t miss any of our new content.

I’m going to leave you like I do every episode. Remember, it’s never too late. You are not too old, and you’re definitely not dead.

Ever secretly eye that bold piece in the store window while playing it safe? Saratta Murphy brings fearless wisdom about redefining life and fashion after 40—without losing yourself in the process.

From running two Texas businesses to relocating across the country just weeks after burying her father, Saratta now inspires thousands of Gen X women as a content creator and influencer. She and Karen explore conquering educational goals later in life and navigating grief while pursuing dreams. Saratta's challenge: "I am fearing less of what other people think and appreciating who I am, showing up just as that."

Transform your "I don't know how to dress" anxiety into "I'm going to try that pink scarf" excitement. Saratta shares how clients moved from "boring wardrobe" moments to authentic style expression. That blazer you've been eyeing? These aren't fashion mistakes—they're style evolution opportunities. The conversation covers supporting friends through loss and the gift of moving in silence until you're ready to share big dreams. Listeners get actionable style tips, grief support wisdom, and mastering what Saratta calls "shopping your own closet."

Saratta Murphy, 48, is a Gen X content creator, influencer, and authentic life enthusiast. She earned her MBA and marketing degree in nine months while processing grief and major life changes. After building two successful businesses, burying her father, and relocating cross-country within two weeks, she now empowers women to show up authentically. Her philosophy: "fearing less of what other people think" while focusing on practical wisdom over perfection.

Episode Breakdown:

(00:00) Introducing Saratta Murphy: From business owner to content creator

ThirtyFiveSixtyFour is a podcast for listeners between the ages of 35 and 64. Available on all major podcast platforms, the show offers an engaging journey through the various challenges and experiences of midlife. ThirtyFiveSixtyFour presents a distinct departure from the traditional midlife crisis storyline. Instead, it champions the perspective that midlife should be viewed as a period marked by play, discovery, transformation and possibility.

Resources:

SaRatta's Instagram: https://instagram.com/the_unimaginedlife

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